Good day, team,

This week’s challenge comes from something my grandmother–Nana–used to say in response to a variety of circumstances. It’s a wonderful piece of wisdom and a reminder as well.

Each summer my family and I would travel to Maine to see my grandparents. It was a long drive, so the first morning after arriving, we would sleep in. Nana was always awake before everyone else, and the first thing she did was make coffee in the old percolator she kept on the stove. After awhile, members of the family would make their way down to the kitchen, and she’d greet us by saying, “Time to wake up and smell the coffee.” She’d hand us a cup, and the day would begin.

My relatives always sat around the dining room table after dinner and drank coffee. I never understood how they could sleep at night with that perked coffee running through their veins. They’d sit around the table and chat about this and that and sooner or later someone would tell a story about someone in the town who’d done something stupid. These were stories about local folks who, in their daily experience, had been forgetful in some way or another. For example, the tale could be about Charley down at the filling station who’d left someone’s gas cap off again, or how Ellie at the library had forgotten to close the windows last night and a whole bunch of new paperbacks had blown off the shelf. There would always be a pause at the end of the story (I think to give everyone a chance to ponder the significance of the story), and in that pregnant pause Nana would say, “Well, they should wake up and smell the coffee!” Everyone would nod in agreement and take another sip.

I remember when my cousin George flunked algebra in high school. Nana wrote to him and among other things said, “George, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Otherwise, you won’t make it to college.” We were all grateful that we weren’t George that year and the thought of being reminded by Nana to “wake up” kept many of us with C and above averages. Even when my father left my mother after 18 years of marriage, Nana’s first bit of advice to Mom was “Well, honey, time to wake up and smell the coffee. He’s just gone, and there’s nothing else to be done. We all have to go on.”

Nana died many years ago, and I’m happy to say she had a long and satisfying life. She was the kind of grandmother who never intended on being wise or making statements that the family would continue to quote for years after she was gone. She just lived her life as best she could and tried to pay attention to whatever came her way. She seemed to understand that worrying about something if it wasn’t in front of you was a distraction. There was enough to deal with in each moment, and any speculation about what could go wrong or what might happen in the future just prevented her from dealing with whatever the moment delivered.

While Nana was alive, it never occurred to me how her use of this phrase would affect me. And yet, this simple homespun phrase has become a cornerstone of my life. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear her reminding me. She reminds me to wake up so I don’t miss something or become forgetful. And she also reminds me to wake up so I accept life, just as it is. The fact that she added in the part about “smell the coffee” was her way of sharing something she enjoyed every day of her life.

Your challenge this week is to “wake up and smell the coffee”-or the tea, or the chai, or whatever brew is part of your morning ritual. We can use this ritual to remember to wake up and experience whatever is happening in the moment. It can also remind us to accept life-just as it is.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Good day, team,

The coach’s challenge this week is about dealing with bullies in the workplace. First, let’s define what constitutes bullying behavior at work. Here’s the definition of workplace bullying from Wikipedia:

Workplace bullying, just like childhood bullying, is the tendency of individuals or groups to use aggressive or unreasonable behavior to achieve their ends. When perpetrated by a group, it is often called mobbing. Unlike the more physical form of schoolyard bullying, workplace bullies often operate within the established rules and policies of their organization and their society. For instance, a workplace bully might use the office’s “rumor mill” to circulate a lie about a co-worker. An employee who dislikes a co-worker for personal reasons may incessantly criticize everything that co-worker does. Such actions are not necessarily illegal and may not even be against the firm’s regulations. However, the damage they cause, both to the targeted employee and to workplace morale, is obvious.

According to the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute, workplace bullying is “the repeated mistreatment of one employee targeted by one or more employees with a malicious mix of humiliation, intimidation and sabotage of performance.”

Statistics show that bullying is three times as prevalent as illegal discrimination and at least 1,600 times as prevalent as workplace violence. Statistics also show that while only one employee in every 10,000 becomes a victim of workplace violence, one in six experiences bullying at work. Bullying is also far more common than sexual harrassment and verbal abuse.

Workplace Bullies

Following is a list of common tactics of workplace bullies [the use of male pronouns here stands for both men and women]:

*Constant criticism* is the bully’s attempt to undermine the
Target’s self-confidence. By exaggerating the Target’s mistakes,
the bully intends to a) make the Target look incompetent in the
eyes of co-workers, b) make his own work look better by
comparison, or c) divert attention from his own mistakes. Often,
the bully will expand his criticism to the Target’s private and
social life. Since criticism can become habitual, the Target will
be criticized by the bully no matter how well the Target performs.

*Isolation* is a tactic intended to separate the Target from the
workplace’s social circles and information networks. Cut off from
all social and business interaction, the Target is more vulnerable
to the bully’s threats and verbal assaults. The bully takes a
“divide and conquer” approach.

*Monopolizing* allows the bully to work his way into a
position in which he is the only source of certain supplies or
information. The Target is thus given a choice between submitting
to the bully or doing without necessary facts and supplies. The
Target gets what he needs only if the bully gets what he wants.

*Gossip* is perhaps the most common tactic of workplace bullying.
Simply put, the bully starts a rumor about the Target. As the
rumor moves through the workplace, the Target finds himself the
object of suspicion. Since the bully often controls the Target’s
contact with co-workers, the Target has no way of knowing what’s
being said about him behind his back. Co-workers who have little
contact with or were hired after the Target may judge him by the
bully’s gossip rather than by his performance. By spreading rumors
about the Target, the bully is turning his co-workers against the
Target. This is a form of mobbing.

*False documentation,* also called the ghost gripe, is an
effective tool for the bully. The bully claims that complaints
have been filed about the Target’s behavior or performance. The
bully will either fabricate an incident or misdocument a real
event to place the blame on the Target. He will refuse to identify
the complaintants, citing the company’s confidentiality policy and
saying that he wants to prevent retaliation. In reality, he is
preventing the Target from investigating the complaint and
disproving the allegations. The bully uses the company’s policies
to achieve control over his co-workers. Countless Targets have
been disciplined and even fired over ghost gripes. False
documentation is most common in companies that do not have at-will
hiring and firing policies, since the manager must give a valid
reason for firing employees he personally dislikes.

*Stealing the credit* is a very common bullying tactic. The bully
places himself in a position in which he can claim credit for the
Target’s efforts and ideas. The Target is unable to document his
efforts, so the bully gets the rewards while the Target is stuck
with all of the work.

*Verbal abuse* is often used by the bully to attack the Target
personally. Verbal abuse includes-but is by no means limited to
-profanity, shouting and racial or ethnic slurs. It may consist
of giving the Target a disrespectful nickname or subjecting him to
a constant stream of insults.

*Passive aggression * is a common tactic of lazy bullies. By
leaving certain jobs undone or incomplete, they force the Target
to do their work for them. Also, if they discover behaviors which
irritate the Target, they will be certain to repeat those
behaviors until the Target loses his temper, thus giving the
Target an undeserved reputation for violent behavior.
Procrastination is a common form of passive aggression.

*Sexual harrassment* is another common tactic.

*Violence* is the bully’s last resort. Unlike schoolyard bullying,
surprisingly little workplace bullying involves physical violence.
Since violence is illegal, such behavior will usually cost the
bully his job and perhaps his freedom. While violence makes
headlines, most other acts of workplace bullying aren’t considered
newsworthy. Thus the public is frightened by stories of violence
in the workplace while the causes of the violence are ignored.

Note that bullies seldom rely on just one tactic. Most have learned to combine several different tactics in an organized assault on the Target. For instance, many bullies will effectively combine isolation and gossip.

Common Mistakes by Management

*Appeasement* is perhaps the most common mistake managers can make
when dealing with bullies. This approach assumes that the bully’s
aggressive behavior will cease when he is given what he desires.
History has proven this approach to be counterproductive. A person
who uses aggression to satisfy his desires has no logical reason
to stop being aggressive. He may calm down for a while when given
what he wants, but he will be resume and possibly escalate his
aggressive behavior when he wants something else.

*Blaming both parties* is also a common mistake. When this
happens, the manager punishes the bully for aggression, but also
punishes the Target for failing to get along with the bully. The
manager ignores the possibility that the bully is purely to blame.

*Blaming the Target* is an even more serious mistake. Instead of
acting against the bully, the manager may simply order the Target
to stop complaining. If the Target continues to complain about the
bully’s behavior, the manager will discipline the Target and may
even come to the bully’s defense. Thus the Target is made to
suffer twice, once at the hands of the bully and once at the hands
of management.

*Ignoring the issue* deludes management into believing that problems will
vanish if the bully’s behavior is ignored. Thus the bully goes
unpunished. A bully who goes unpunished has no logical reason to
relent. His aggressive behavior will continue, and may even
escalate to physical violence. This approach involves wishful
thinking on the part of the manager.

*Emphasizing teamwork and ignoring individual effort* plays into
the bully’s hands. Often, the Target is a creative, productive
individual whose ideas work. In today’s workplace, the
emphasis is on team effort. Management tends to dislike
subordinates who think for themselves, regardless of how good
their ideas are. This makes it easy for the bully to accuse the
Target of “not being a team player.”

Your challenge this week is to ask yourself if you’ve identified any type of bullying behavior within your environment and if you’re willing to deal with it. More important, ask yourself if you manage others by bullying them, or if you’re making some of the common mistakes management makes in dealing with workplace bullies.

Each of us has a responsibility to create an atmosphere in the workplace that is free of hostility. We do this by adhering to the human resource policies that are already in place in our companies or, if they don’t exist, by creating good, sound policies that are very clear about which behaviors are acceptable in our work environment and which are not. As managers we need to work together to ensure that the workplace is safe, not just physically, but also emotionally.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

Good day, team,

In a recent off-site meeting, I was working with a team that made a commitment to each other. The commitment comes from an old Italian proverb that we translated to say:

Honor when present.
Praise when absent.
Assist when necessary.

Last week I talked with one of the managers on the team about the challenge of following through consistently on this commitment with peers and team members. We agreed that we were able to honor others when we were together, and that assisting others when necessary was also not so hard, but praising others when they weren’t around us was very difficult. Especially the people we don’t particularly like and have the hardest time with!

We also observed that we have a much harder time not gossiping about others when we’re talking with friends. The maxim “Familiarity breeds contempt” confirms that it’s much harder to be impeccable with our word when we’re talking with our closest friends and familiar business associates rather then people we don’t know as well. Our familiarity gives us free license to voice our opinions and judgements, or so we think. I know that it always makes me feel uncomfortable when someone I’m friendly with starts to complain about someone else. I want to ask them not to do it, but I’m afraid they’ll judge me for judging them!

If we can keep in mind that none of us likes to be gossiped about, we might have more courage when it comes to saying, “I understand that you’re having trouble with that person, but I don’t think running them down is going to help.” Or maybe the solution is even simpler. We could just say, “I’m trying not to gossip” and leave it at that.

Taking the high road in our interactions with others is one of the cornerstones of professional behavior. I’ve often noticed that senior people in an organization seem to be the least petty and talkative about others. This discretion is a key to their success. They hear a lot of things about many people in a week’s time and yet they often don’t repeat what they hear. They allow much of the “noise” to just go by them and try to stay focused on what’s really important: peoples’ strengths and the team’s results.

Your challenge this week is to try (yet again!) not to speak negatively about others. Take it one step further and try to praise others when they’re not around you. You may find this difficult to do, but you’ll find that the more positively you speak about others, the better you’ll feel about yourself and the people you work with. Try also to be more aware of the desire to gossip with friends rather than strangers. We can all help ourselves be better friends if we have the courage to remind each other to see peoples’ strengths rather than concentrating on their weaknesses.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
503/296-9249

Good day, team,

The coach’s challenge this week could be called “checking in mid-year.” I often find that checking in with myself around June 15 is a good idea. It gives me a chance to assess my progress toward my personal and professional goals. Did I continue with the exercise and diet program I pledged myself to last January? Have I been able to meet the goals I set for my business in the first quarter of the year? What’s been happening that I didn’t expect, and how have I been dealing with that?

It’s easy to start something. But it’s not so easy to hold to our commitments by consistently working day by day toward meeting them. We are often distracted by curve balls that distract us from our initial objectives. So much of our success, both professionally and personally, rests on our ability to remain flexible. Sometimes we have to turn on a dime in what seems to be the right direction in the moment. But these improvisational maneuvers can throw us off our original course.

It’s difficult to hold steady in the face of change. Usually, once I set a goal I also have an idea of how that goal will be realized. I am often surprised to find that the way I thought it would happen is not how it happens at all. I get to my destination, but the road I have taken to get there doesn’t look the way I imagined it would. I have to be open-minded about what I encounter along the way. It’s good to acknowledge that things don’t always go as we’ve planned and that not knowing how events will unfold is part of the adventure. As the Irish would say, “Ahhhh-it’s a mystery.”

Your challenge this week is to take stock of your year at this half-way point. Did you set a goal last January that has gone by the wayside? What goals have you met, and are you setting new ones for the rest of this year? What have you learned that has significantly changed the way you see things? Are you growing personally and professionally?

Be honest with yourself. If you set a goal that hasn’t been realized, and you still have it in your sights, recommit to it. What do you need to do to get yourself back on track? Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have achieved, and ask yourself what you need to do to re-energize for the rest of the year. Lastly, have you taken a vacation yet? There’s no better time to re-evaluate where you are and where you’re going than when you’re recreating (re-creating). And finally…it’s summertime! A perfect time to stop and smell the roses.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

Good day, team,

The coach’s challenge this week is about leadership. It’s been the topic of many of my conversations lately with clients. Here are some great words of wisdom on the subject.

“Leadership”

“Is it a title or an attitude?
Is it about power or responsibility?
Is it about those you dominate or those you motivate?
Does it mean accepting applause or giving thanks?
Does it require a hard head or soft hands?
Are you encouraged to assert your status or define your service?
Is it casting a long shadow or producing a steady light?”

“Indomitable Spirit,” Chuck Ferguson*

“Trilogy for a New Leadership:

_ Alignment – Today’s leader needs to align the resources of the organization, particularly the human ones, creating a sense of shared objectives worthy of peoples’ support, and even dedication. Alignment has everything to do with spirit and a sense of being part of a team. Great organizations inevitably develop around a shared vision.

_ Creation – Today’s leader must create an organizational culture where ideas come through unhampered by people who are fearful. Such leaders are committed to problem-finding, not just problem-solving. They embrace error, even failure, because they know it will teach them more than success. Effective leaders create adaptive, creative, learning organizations.

_ Empowerment – In an effectively led organization, everyone feels he or she contributes to its success. Empowered individuals believe that their actions have significance and meaning. Empowered people live in a culture of respect where they actually can do things without getting permission from some organizational parent figure. Empowered organizations are characterized by trust and system-wide communication.”

“Leading Change: The Leader as the Chief Transformation Officer,” from “Leadership in a New Era,” Warren Bennis

“Show us clearly whom we should seek to serve, show us where our core strengths lie, show us which score we should focus on and which actions must be taken today, and we will reward you by working our hearts out to make our better future come true.”

“The One Thing You Need to Know,” Marcus Buckingham

Your challenge this week is to discover what kind of leader you are. We all serve others at work, in our families, in our friendships, in our communities. Do you find yourself taking the lead and, if so, how do you do that? How do others describe your leadership skills? If you don’t know, ask. You might be surprised to hear the answers. Try utilizing one of the suggestions mentioned above and see if it makes you a more successful leader.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

* Many thanks to Les Stephens from OCP for sharing the piece “Leadership” by Chuck Ferguson.

Good day, team,

I read some quotes this week from people who have reached the age of 100. One is actually 102. I was amazed at how much their straightforward wisdom helped me through my week. I thought you would enjoy reading the quotes-they are very simple and true.

– You can’t control other people. You can only control your reaction.
– Don’t hold on to anger-you’ll just make yourself miserable.
– When playing Scrabble, don’t use up your S’s right away.

– When looking for a mate, avoid a fast talker. Go for someone who’s steady.
– Volunteering gets you away from your own worries.
– More is not necessarily better. Going for first or biggest often leads to unhappiness.

– A person never gets too old to love.
– If you expect perfection from everyone, you’ll be all alone.
– You’re better off alone than with bad company.

– Anything you love is important.
– Children love praise. They’ll do something again and again just to get you to praise them.
– You’ll always need your friends.

– Never feel sorry for yourself.
– Parents should respect their children, just as children should respect their parents.
– If you worry about being old, you will be old.

– Don’t forget to do one thing that makes you happy each day.
– If you’re lucky, you’ll laugh more at the age of 100 than you did at 50.
– The older I get, the less I know. What a relief! It was such a burden to be a know-it-all.

– Get enough sleep, take a short walk each day, see what’s in front of you.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

Good day team,

This week’s challenge is about the opportunities that lie in each problem.

I’ve been reading a book recently about the 1918 flu pandemic. The doctors and scientists who struggled to find a cure had to spend many years studying the problems that caused the disease. Most failed. Some of the doctors who worked on finding the cure became frustrated by their lack of success and quit their search early on claiming that the flu was actually a form of pneumonia, a disease they thought they understood. But, the doctors who didn’t become discouraged by failure after failure and continued to study the problems created by the disease, discovered many new opportunities. These opportunities led to numerous breakthroughs in medicine that eventually changed the way all doctors understand bacterias and viruses and how to treat them. And, one doctor actually discovered DNA, the foundation of our genetic design. This doctor was never discouraged by any problem he confronted. A problem would arise, he would try to solve it, and inherent in that exercise, he would discover more problems and try to solve them. This went on and on for 40 years! Eventually, in his 70’s he discovered what he never anticipated finding, and changed the course of history.

This teaches me how powerful opportunities are that arise out of problems. It’s in our ability to perservere when we can’t find easy solutions that we are empowered to make new discoveries. In visiting a client last week, I saw this quote on the wall near her desk. It expresses this thought so well;

“Every problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity. You’ll find that every situation, properly perceived, offers opportunity. As fast as each opportunity presents itself, use it. No matter how tiny an opportunity it may be, use it. You’ll find new frontiers when you have an open mind and a willing hand.”

This week, consider the problems confronting you. Don’t be afraid to investigate them. Try considering new solutions
or ask another team member for some suggestions. If you’re becoming discouraged, look at the problem from a different perspective. Remember the doctor who kept looking for solutions and didn’t give up in the face of more problems.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

* Many thanks to Lanette Bailey from Wells Fargo Bank for sharing this quote with me.

Good day Team,

Your challenge this week is to review the following “8 Attributes of Supportive Communication” and choose a few that you will use in your communications this week. Many of you will recognize them as they have been sent out before. I hope you find them useful.

> *8 Attributes of Supportive Communication*
>
>
> *Problem oriented, not person oriented* -focus on how problems and issues can be changed rather than on people and their characteristics (“How can we solve this problem”, Not “Because of you this problem exists”.)
> *
> Congruent, not incongruent *- focus on honest messages in which verbal statements match thoughts and feelings (“Your behavior really upset me”, Not, “Do I seem upset? No, everything is fine.”)
>
> *Descriptive, not evaluative*- focus on describing an objective occurrence, describing your reaction to it, and offering a suggested alternative (“Here is what happened, this was my reaction; here is a suggestion that is acceptable”. Not, “you are wrong for doing what you did.”)
>
> *Validating, not invalidating* – focus on statements that communicate respect, flexibility, collaboration, and areas of agreement (“I have some ideas, but do you have any suggestions?” Not, “You wouldn’t understand, so we’ll do it my way.”)
>
> *Specific, not global* – focus on specific events or behavior, avoiding general, extreme, or either-or statements (“You interrupted me three times during the meeting.” Not, “You’re always trying to get attention.”)
> *
> Conjunctive, not disjunctive* – focus on statements that flow from what has been previously said and facilitating interaction (“Relating to what you just said, I’d like to raise another point.” Not, “I want to say something (unrelated to and/or regardless of what you just said.”))
>
> *Owned, not disowned *- focus on taking responsibility for your own actions by using personal “I” words (“I have decided to turn down your request because…” Not, You have a good idea but it wouldn’t get approved” or, “I liked your proposal, but Mary said we should use another.”)
>
> *Supportive listening, not one-way listening* – focus on using a variety of appropriate responses, with a bias toward reflective responses, (“What do you think are the obstacles standing the way of improvement?” Not, “As I said before, you are making too many mistakes. You’re just not performing.”)

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge comes from something my grandmother–Nana–used to say in response to a variety of circumstances. It’s a wonderful piece of wisdom and a reminder as well.

Each summer my family and I would travel to Maine to see my grandparents. It was a long drive, so the first morning after arriving, we would sleep in. Nana was always awake before everyone else, and the first thing she did was make coffee in the old percolator she kept on the stove. After awhile, members of the family would make their way down to the kitchen, and she’d greet us by saying, “Time to wake up and smell the coffee.” She’d hand us a cup, and the day would begin.

My relatives always sat around the dining room table after dinner and drank coffee. I never understood how they could sleep at night with that perked coffee running through their veins. They’d sit around the table and chat about this and that and sooner or later someone would tell a story about someone in the town who’d done something stupid. These were stories about local folks who, in their daily experience, had been forgetful in some way or another. For example, the tale could be about Charley down at the filling station who’d left someone’s gas cap off again, or how Ellie at the library had forgotten to close the windows last night and a whole bunch of new paperbacks had blown off the shelf. There would always be a pause at the end of the story (I think to give everyone a chance to ponder the significance of the story), and in that pregnant pause Nana would say, “Well, they should wake up and smell the coffee!” Everyone would nod in agreement and take another sip.

I remember when my cousin George flunked algebra in high school. Nana wrote to him and among other things said, “George, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Otherwise, you won’t make it to college.” We were all grateful that we weren’t George that year and the thought of being reminded by Nana to “wake up” kept many of us with C and above averages. Even when my father left my mother after 18 years of marriage, Nana’s first bit of advice to Mom was “Well, honey, time to wake up and smell the coffee. He’s just gone, and there’s nothing else to be done. We all have to go on.”

Nana died many years ago, and I’m happy to say she had a long and satisfying life. She was the kind of grandmother who never intended on being wise or making statements that the family would continue to quote for years after she was gone. She just lived her life as best she could and tried to pay attention to whatever came her way. She seemed to understand that worrying about something if it wasn’t in front of you was a distraction. There was enough to deal with in each moment, and any speculation about what could go wrong or what might happen in the future just prevented her from dealing with whatever the moment delivered.

While Nana was alive, it never occurred to me how her use of this phrase would affect me. And yet, this simple homespun phrase has become a cornerstone of my life. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear her reminding me. She reminds me to wake up so I don’t miss something or become forgetful. And she also reminds me to wake up so I accept life, just as it is. The fact that she added in the part about “smell the coffee” was her way of sharing something she enjoyed every day of her life.

Your challenge this week is to “wake up and smell the coffee”-or the tea, or the chai, or whatever brew is part of your morning ritual. We can use this ritual to remember to wake up and experience whatever is happening in the moment. It can also remind us to accept life-just as it is.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge is about having hard conversations with
colleagues. This subject comes up with my clients more often than any
other. It is certainly one of the most challenging things we have to do
as supervisors and managers. It’s also incredibly challenging for us to
do with a friend, spouse, intimate relation or family member. Why is it
so hard for us to tell others the truth?

I’ll start by sharing a small story from Andy Rooney, staff member of
“60 Minutes” and noted author. In his book “The Most of Andy Rooney,” he
recounted the following anecdote in the chapter “Friendship: Handle with
Care.”

Six months ago I was talking to a friend on the telephone. We used to
talk two or three times a week, and we often had lunch. For about the
fiftieth time he started telling me about some money he was trying to
get from his father’s estate. (After his mother died, his father
remarried a schoolteacher. Later his father died, and the schoolteacher
took up with another man, and my friend thought this fellow was after
the money.)

I didn’t really know or care about all the details and finally I said,
“Charley, if you’d spent as much time working in the past years as
you’ve spent trying to get that money, you’d be rich.”

It seemed like half a joke and half a sharp remark that I could make to
my old friend, but I was wrong.

“Who needs a friend like you?” he said, and slammed down the receiver. I
haven’t talked to Charley since and may never. I made one attempt to
call him, but he was out and I haven’t tried again. I suspect I violated
the first rule of friendship. To stay friends with anyone you have to
avoid saying anything unforgivable and in Charley’s mind, what I said
was unforgivable. I embarrassed him.

Rooney’s point highlights the potential we all fear: That what we say
could permanently alienate another person. Communication with others is
difficult enough without having to potentially embarrass or offend
someone. But inevitably in a work situation, we must have hard
conversations with people from time to time. Whether it’s the person who
reports to us who’s chronically late or our co-worker who says
inappropriate things to customers, at some point each of us has to take
the risk of offending someone else by pointing out what needs to be made
clear.

And no one likes to be corrected. Therein lies the problem. When we have
to confront others, we invariably remember how it makes us feel to be
corrected or criticized (even if we know it’s constructive criticism).
So we chicken out because we don’t want the other person to feel bad.
Sometimes we think we have more leeway with friends and family, but the
results are often as Rooney describes them.

Most companies have programs that train managers how to have difficult
conversations. These programs advise that staying with the facts,
framing the message in a positive way, inviting the other person into
the conversation to get his or her views first and then offering another
perspective are all good ways to deliver tough messages. But the bottom
line is that “The sting of a reproach is the truth in it,” and sometimes
trying to avoid or sugar-coat the message makes the entire communication
even less effective than it would have been if we’d just said what we
needed to say and moved on. When I think back over my career, the best
messages I’ve received were often the hardest to hear. I try to recall
that insight when I’m heading into a difficult conversation with
someone, instead of worrying about how that person will react.

Why is it so important to step up, to have these difficult conversations
and tell the truth? Because in the end, deep down, we all know what is
true. And relationships based upon anything other than the truth will
not last. In a work environment, nothing is potentially more corrosive
than avoiding an obvious truth by suppressing it, lying about it, or
most commonly, pretending it doesn’t exist. Maintaining these
deceptions takes up too much energy that could otherwise be channeled
into productive work. Once spoken, the truth can actually set us free.

Your challenge this week is to have a difficult conversation you’ve been
avoiding. Consider who you need to speak to and give some consideration
to what the best way is to deliver the message to that person. Try to be
sincere and plain-spoken. If you speak from your heart with a clear
message, you can’t lose. The listener may have difficulty hearing the
words, but she or he will recognize your sincerity and the clarity of
your message.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249