Suggestions for Setting Healthy Boundaries

 

This post is about setting healthy boundaries with people at work.

Professional boundaries are important because they define the limits and responsibilities of the people with whom you interact in the workplace. When workplace boundaries are clearly defined, the organization works more efficiently because redundant work assignments are eliminated and task performance is accountable. When everyone in an organization is made aware who is responsible for what, healthier workplace environments are created. It then becomes very difficult for someone to blame others for their failed or inadequate performance and good job performance can clearly be identified.

When professional boundaries and priorities have been clearly defined, it’s very likely that a group can function effectively, even in the absence of its leader. If everyone on your team understands what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, then team members will feel safe in their roles. A smooth functioning organization is a tangible demonstration of their team leader’s commitment to their success, which creates trust in leadership. It is the responsibility of every team leader to set the tone of the group by clearly defining acceptable and unacceptable workplace behavior. An effective leader understands that failing to define boundaries, having no boundaries, or having inappropriately rigid boundaries can have an unfavorable impact on their organization and employees. In some cases boundaries need to be firm. For example, lying, stealing, or verbally or physically abusing others is never allowed. It may sound as if the responsibility to create a smooth functioning organization falls only upon the team leaders; however every team member has a role to play as well. It is the responsibility of every individual team member to be willing to speak up to a colleague or supervisor and clearly define their problem and help find a resolution that works for everyone.

Another important area that should be negotiated is interpersonal boundaries, because professional and interpersonal boundaries substantially impact workplace productivity and the quality of social environment. Interpersonal boundary parameters include:

* The tone people use with each other.
* The attitude and approach co-workers use with each other.
* The ability to focus on work objectives even with people you don’t
like or with whom you are having personal conflict.
* The ability to effectively set limits with others who have poor
boundaries.
* Clearly defining the consequences when a boundary is violated and
sticking to it.

Boundaries will have no meaning if your actions don’t back up your words.

* Here are some suggestions for setting healthy boundaries with your team members:

1. Know your limits: what you can do well within the allotted time frame.
Don’t exaggerate your ability by overselling it. Give accurate estimates. Delivering a good product on time will improve your credibility, while missing deadlines or delivering a substandard product will only hurt your reputation.

2. Tactfully and openly communicate about goals and limitations.
Don’t try to undersell or misrepresent your ability. Underselling artificially prevents you from being able to demonstrate your professional skills, which might affect your career advancement. When discussing your limitations, focus on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. Keep your focus on your positive intentions; ask for help when it’s needed to ensure good quality work; actively engage in problem solving, and don’t complain about the problem. Ensure that others are receiving the message you intended by asking for feedback when it’s not forthcoming.

3. Be available to discuss differences and reach agreements. Reflect back your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests, and concerns. Attempt to negotiate win-win solutions.

4. Don’t be afraid to let someone know if they’re acting inappropriately. Work place bullying is much more common than we think; it can come in the form of expressing undo negativity towards another, intentionally excluding others from team activities, or ganging up on someone. It can also come in the form of domination by withholding information or not keeping one’s part of the bargain by actively engaging and contributing to the work. It’s important to let people know when they act out inappropriately and that it is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. The emotional health and safety of an organization depends on direct and clear communication when someone has trespassed on a professional and/or personal boundary.

Try setting healthy boundaries with your team members. You’ll find that establishing boundaries and priorities go hand in hand because they both help manage interpersonal relationships in the workplace. Together they go a long way toward establishing productive work environments based on trust. Competent and credible leaders understand these principles and consistently model them for their staff.

 

Kathleen

 

* Special thanks to the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FSAP) at UCSF for most of the information in this challenge. They are a great resource!

Salemanship And The Power Of Belief

 

Let’s explore the subjects of salesmanship and the power of belief. I once asked a client who is the CEO of a medium-sized company how he spent his time each day: what he actually did and what percentage of his time was spent directing, managing and leading. He replied, ‘”Frankly, I spend 95 percent of my time selling and 5 percent ensuring that we make a profit.”

He went on to explain that he realized that in almost every conversation he had-whether with board members, shareholders, team members, his direct reports, industry analysts, suppliers or customers-he was constantly telling them what the company did best, how it delivered better than anyone else, and why the people in the company were great.

Ironically, this man didn’t particularly like selling, and it hadn’t been his career path: He had started out as an accountant. However, he had learned over time that as CEO, he was the person who truly represented and spoke for the company as a whole, and if he couldn’t convince others of its excellence, the company would fail under his leadership. As he said, “If I can’t sell this to anyone within the company and anyone outside the company, then I shouldn’t be in this position. I have to believe more strongly than anyone else how good we are, how terrific our people are, and how our particular brand of service and products is better than anyone else’s. I have to know what we do best and believe that we do it better than anyone else. Otherwise, no one will believe me, and they’ll go with someone else who’s more convincing.”

His experience reminded me how powerful it is to have someone believe in us and in what we do. All of the good leaders I know believe in their people first and foremost. These leaders show-not just in their words, but in their actions-that they respect their employees, and they encourage them to continue to do what they do best. Interestingly enough, by doing this they also attract the same kind of respect and admiration from their team members. This doesn’t mean that they expect perfection from anyone, just that they see what is best in others and they continue to call on it in their daily business practices.

In coaching, we call it the “law of attraction,” that is, you get back what you give out. So if you’re unhappy with the work your people do and you think they’re not sharp enough, they tend to feel the same way about you. If you disagree with them a lot and humiliate them in front of others, they will do the same to you, and so on.

Most important, what we reveal in our treatment of others is, in fact, how we feel about ourselves. We tend to project the same feelings we have about ourselves. So if we love and admire ourselves, we tend to give out those emotions toward others, and they evoke the same emotions in return.

All good leaders know that the real trick to selling anything is being authentic in the sale: You have to believe in what you’re selling. If you’re convinced that you and your people have the best to offer, then all you need to do is communicate it, and the sale happens. But if you don’t believe it, you can’t sell it. Whatever you believe is what you’re selling!

 

Kathleen

 

The Advantage Of Seizing The Opportunity That Presents Itself

This post is about the advantage of seizing an opportunity that presents itself even if it was never apparent until it appeared.

Here’s a relevant quote from famous author and statesman Mark Twain, who wrote about life’s realities in a way many people could appreciate:

“A man may plan as much as he wants to, but nothing of consequence is likely to come of it until the magician circumstance steps in and takes the matter off his hands.”

This observation encourages us to pay attention to whatever is happening in the moment so we can respond to the opportunities it presents, even if they don’t fit our plan.

A friend of mine recently experienced the truth of Twain’s statement. About 12 years ago, he started a training business with a man he had worked with in the past. Because they had both been successful working for large companies that offered sales and marketing training to their clients, they decided to start their own company. They put together an extensive business plan that defined their core business as “a company that offers innovative, customized sales training to give our customer’s a competitive advantage.”

They contacted everyone who might be interested in their service, and they were off and running. Although they didn’t expect a profit in their first year, they actually made a little money, and in the second year, they doubled their revenues. The pattern fit their original business plan, and they were enjoying their success.

In the fifth year of the business, an unusual thing happened. More and more independent sales people asked to buy their training materials and the approach they used with customers. The partners realized that a brand new opportunity was emerging. If they could franchise their business model, they could expand their business far beyond anything either of them had ever expected.

However, when they went to their board of directors with this idea, some of the members argued that, since franchising wasn’t part of the original plan, the risk and investment it entailed might be unwise, especially since they were very successful operating just as they had originally planned. The dissenting board members logically asked, “Why change a good thing?”

In the end, the partners influenced the board members in favor of changing the plan to meet the circumstances. They franchised their business, and after seven years of being highly successful using the new plan, they recently sold the company for about $40 million. Their original plan was to become a $10 million company. But because they revised the plan to take advantage of new circumstances, they made four times as much money. Both my friend and his partner now spend most of their time on the golf course, looking for the right circumstances for improving their golf game.

Take a good look at your current circumstances. Are you ignoring an opportunity that’s right in front of you because it’s either not part of your plan or you haven’t seen it before? How often do you talk yourself out of maximizing something, just because it doesn’t fit your idea of the way it should be or the way it has always been?

Then consider whether your plan is limiting your ability to expand or improve. If the plan has gotten in the way of the opportunity, it no longer serves you. Don’t be afraid to try a new approach that better fits what’s right in front of you.

 

Kathleen

 

The Importance of Being Earnest – an important lesson in how you treat your customer

This post is about the importance of being earnest particularly when you’re dealing with a customer.

I remember having a terrible experience with the company that provided my broadband services. I tried to get my problems resolved with customer service agents located in the Philippines.  They never fixed the issues.   I finally googled the corporation’s name, looked up the annual report, got the name of the most senior executive I could find, called the corporate offices, and left a message asking for help. The executive called me back the following day and apologized profusely; within four working days, all of my problems were solved with a credit on my bill.

I’ve since tried to get to the heart of what was so difficult about this experience for me. The bottom line was that, out of all the customer service people I spoke with, only one person treated me like a human being. All the others showed no empathy and, even worse, no earnestness to actually try to help me. My situation was only resolved because I contacted someone at an executive level who doesn’t even work in customer service figuring that they probably don’t think that losing customers is good for their business.

The definition of earnest is acting “with sincerity and a strong intention.” In home buying, putting down earnest money shows the other party that you’re committed to the purchase, that you’re sincerely interested and engaged. These are exactly the qualities that were lacking in the service representatives hired to help me and other customers.

Some people might argue that the problem arose because this company outsourced its customer service department and, in some cases, that might be true. Expecting people from foreign countries to speak the same emotional language we do is naive. What’s acceptable behavior in one country is definitely unacceptable in others. Unless people are trained to understand some of these differences, effective communication is almost impossible.

My point is that when you’re in the service business, what truly sets you apart from the millions of other service providers is your ability to serve your customers earnestly, so they know you intend to help them in any way you can. Your ability to empathize with their situation when they have difficulties is also key to good service. If you treat them as though you don’t care, you will not retain them. Lots of companies can attract buyers initially, but can’t keep them. In the end, it’s repeat customers who make a difference in the bottom line.

Think about the people you serve, whether external customers or the people in your organization. Are you earnest in your desire to help them? If not, what do you need to do to change your attitude toward your customers or your team members? Do your policies support your people being empowered enough to actually help the customer? Are you following the letter of the law and ignoring the spirit of the law in the way you treat others? Do you have ways of finding out what your customers or team members are actually thinking about their experiences with your company, and are you earnestly trying to do anything to improve these relationships?

Try finding ways to maximize people’s experiences of your service and set things in motion to make it better. If you work in earnest to serve your people better, they will serve their customers better, and you’ll all have a better experience.

For most of us, our only link to a company is through it’s customer service representatives: Whomever we talk to represents the entire corporation. My view of the service provider I mentioned above is that, with the exception of the senior executive I cried out to, everyone was incompetent and unengaged and couldn’t care less whether I had a problem with their service or not. They were just doing their job… or were they?

 

Kathleen

 

How Kind Words Make A Difference

 

This post comes from an e-mail that a client* sent to me. Please have a look:

Friday, Aug. 25, began a week-long celebration of people being kind to others. Born in 1988, Be Kind to Humankind Week is now 18 years old. The week is made up of seven special emphasis days, beginning Aug. 25 and ending Aug. 31.

Speak Kind Words Saturday is my favorite weekly affirmation, because we all seem to completely forget that what we say has terrific influence (for good or bad) on everyone around us.

The spoken word is extremely powerful. It can make us, break us, hurt others, or heal others. Think before you speak. Literally bite your tongue if necessary. Once blurted out, your words cannot be taken back. They sting, and they can destroy a person’s self-esteem and self-worth. Unkind words can create hate and malice.

Consider these suggestions to make your Speak Kind Words Week better:

# A kind word is never wasted.

# Bite your tongue before you allow an unkind comment to flow out.

# Try not to curse and use foul language, especially around children or in public places.

# If you don’t have anything good to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.

# Do not gossip.

# Words are more powerful than most of us realize. Be aware not only of what you say, but how you say it. You cannot take back the unkind things you say. Words cut like a knife, so think twice before you say something you will regret later.

To learn more about Be Kind to Humankind Week and founder Lorraine Jara, visit www.bekindweek.org.

I appreciate my clients suggestions for us to find ways to be kind to others. Whether it’s by speaking kind words, or going out of your way to do something special for someone else, try focusing on being kind. There are good suggestions on the above-mentioned web site for what you can do each day of the week.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

* Many thanks to John Keith, Co-Founder, Lucid Meetings, for sending me this information.

Supporting People’s Strengths

 

This post comes from a quote in one of my favorite books about management and leadership, “The One Thing You Need to Know,” by Marcus Buckingham:

“Mediocre managers play checkers with their people (vs. chess). In checkers the pieces all move in the same way, whereas in chess all the pieces move differently. Thus, if you want to excel at the game of chess, you have to learn how each piece moves, and then incorporate these unique moves into your overall plan of attack. Mediocre managers assume (or hope) that their employees will be motivated by the same things, driven by the same goals, desire the same kind of relationships, and learn in roughly the same way.

“They probably wouldn’t say it as as boldly as I have just done, but their approach to managing gives it away. When they set expectations for their people, they define in great detail the exact behaviors they expect to see. When they coach their people, they identify which of these behaviors each employee is struggling with, and then tell the employee to work on these behaviors and practice them until they become habit. When they praise people, they are most impressed by employees who have worked diligently to replace their natural style with these present behaviors. In short, they believe that the job of the manager is to mold, or transform, each employee into the perfect version of the role. Great managers don’t. They do the opposite. The one thing all great managers know about great managing is this:

“Discover what is unique about each person and capitalize on it.

“They know that even if employees are selected against the same set of talents or competencies, such is the complexity of human nature that the differences among these employees will far outweigh the similarities. The more one listens to the testimony of great managers, the clearer it becomes: Great managing is not about transformation-if you dedicate yourself to transforming each employee into some predetermined perfect version of the role, you will wind up frustrating yourself and annoying the employee. Great managing is about release. It is about constantly tweaking the world so that the unique contribution, the unique needs, the unique style of each employee can be given free rein.”

The challenge here is to identify what is unique about each of your team members and to support that in your management style. Try supporting all your employees’ unique strengths and allowing them to do what they do best. Get out of the way of your people’s progress. Let them take ownership where they want to. Try not to force your team into looking and acting the way you want them to. Assist them in identifying their strengths and allow them to work in the areas they enjoy the most.

Kathleen

 

Being Mindful of Your Reputation & Good Suggestions for Improving It

 

This post is about being mindful of your reputation with good suggestions for improving it.

A person’s character is the reliability of himself. His reputation is the opinion others have formed of him/her. Certainly, reputation is built on deeds. Henry Ford said, ‘you can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do.’

In working together, we cannot ignore what other’s think of us. Although we make attempts to not take the opinions of other’s personally, we also see that much of the way the world works is based on people’s
reputations. We find that our reputation builds in a positive way when we learn to be more versatile in the way we deal with others. People all like to be met on their own ground, so to speak, and when we make the effort to be aware of their concerns and try to speak their language, they appreciate the consideration. How often have you heard someone say in reference to another team member, “she’s always easy to work with, or he’s so reliable, that I love working with him.” These are comments that begin to build a good reputation at work.

Socrates wrote, “The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear.” We can see from his quote that having a vision of how we wish to show up in our work environment is best served
by attempting to be that vision. If you want other’s to see you as being efficient, than try being more efficient. It sounds simple, but we rarely give our reputation much thought until we realize that our reputation has been damaged in some way. I find that reputation is like china, easily broken but not easy to repair.

Here are some good suggestions for improving your reputation at work:

  • Be known for follow-through
    Your reputation grows fastest when people can rely on you. Say “yes” thoughtfully, meet deadlines, and proactively communicate if something shifts. Reliability builds trust more than charisma ever will.

  • Make others look good
    Publicly acknowledge contributions, share credit generously, and advocate for colleagues when they’re not in the room. Leaders notice who elevates the team, not just themselves.

  • Handle pressure with steadiness
    How you respond when things go wrong matters more than when things go right. Stay calm, avoid blame, and focus on solutions. Emotional maturity under stress is a powerful reputation multiplier.

  • Seek feedback and act on it
    Ask for input from peers or supervisors, then visibly apply what you learn. People respect those who are coachable and committed to growth, especially when improvement is observable over time.

Try thinking about your reputation and consider if your actions are a good reflection of your vision of yourself and also of your words. Take an action that you think will enhance your reputation.

 

Kathleen

 

Wake Up and Smell The Coffee

 

This post comes from something my grandmother–Nana–used to say in response to a variety of circumstances. It’s a wonderful piece of wisdom and a reminder as well.

Each summer my family and I would travel to Maine to see my grandparents. It was a long drive, so the first morning after arriving, we would sleep in. Nana was always awake before everyone else, and the first thing she did was make coffee in the old percolator she kept on the stove. After awhile, members of the family would make their way down to the kitchen, and she’d greet us by saying, “Time to wake up and smell the coffee.” She’d hand us a cup, and the day would begin.

This phrase became a theme in our family as each of us encountered challenges that seemed insurmountable. I remember when my cousin George flunked algebra in high school. Nana wrote to him and among other things said, “George, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Otherwise, you won’t make it to college.” We were all grateful that we weren’t George that year and the thought of being reminded by Nana to “wake up” kept many of us with C and above averages. Even when my father left my mother after 18 years of marriage, Nana’s first bit of advice to Mom was “Well, honey, time to wake up and smell the coffee. He’s just gone, and there’s nothing else to be done. We all have to go on.”

Nana died many years ago, and I’m happy to say she had a long and satisfying life. She was the kind of grandmother who never intended on being wise or making statements that the family would continue to quote for years after she was gone. She certainly didn’t see her attitude as being stoic or philosophical. It was just her practical way of understanding that she could only impact what she could control and worrying about the things she couldn’t control was a waste of time. She just lived her life as best she could and tried to pay attention to whatever came her way.  There was enough to deal with in each moment, and any speculation about what could go wrong or what might happen in the future just prevented her from dealing with whatever the moment delivered.

While Nana was alive, it never occurred to me how her use of this phrase would affect me. And yet, this simple homespun phrase has become a cornerstone of my life. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear her reminding me. She reminds me to wake up so I don’t miss something or become forgetful. And she also reminds me to wake up so I accept life, just as it is. The fact that she added in the part about “smell the coffee” was her way of sharing something she enjoyed every day of her life.

See if this phrase works for you as well.  Using “wake up and smell the coffee”-or the tea, or the chai, or whatever brew is part of your morning ritual, might be a helpful way to remember to wake up and experience whatever is happening in the moment. It can also remind us to accept life-just as it is.

 

Kathleen

Checking In On Your Progress Mid-Year

 

The post could be called “checking in mid-year.” I often find that checking in with myself around June 15 is a good idea. It gives me a chance to assess my progress toward my personal and professional goals. Did I continue with the exercise and diet program I pledged myself to last January? Have I been able to meet the goals I set for my business in the first quarter of the year? What’s been happening that I didn’t expect, and how have I been dealing with that?

It’s easy to start something. But it’s not so easy to hold to our commitments by consistently working day by day toward meeting them. We are often distracted by curve balls that distract us from our initial objectives. So much of our success, both professionally and personally, rests on our ability to remain flexible. Sometimes we have to turn on a dime in what seems to be the right direction in the moment. But these improvisational maneuvers can throw us off our original course.

It’s difficult to hold steady in the face of change. Usually, once I set a goal I also have an idea of how that goal will be realized. I am often surprised to find that the way I thought it would happen is not how it happens at all. I get to my destination, but the road I have taken to get there doesn’t look the way I imagined it would. I have to be open-minded about what I encounter along the way. It’s good to acknowledge that things don’t always go as we’ve planned and that not knowing how events will unfold is part of the adventure. As the Irish would say, “Ahhhh-it’s a mystery.”

Take a look at the progress you’ve made at this half-way point. Did you set a goal last January that has gone by the wayside? What goals have you met, and are you setting new ones for the rest of this year? What have you learned that has significantly changed the way you see things? Are you growing personally and professionally?

Be honest with yourself. If you set a goal that hasn’t been realized, and you still have it in your sights, recommit to it. What do you need to do to get yourself back on track? Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have achieved, and ask yourself what you need to do to re-energize for the rest of the year. Lastly, have you taken a vacation yet? There’s no better time to re-evaluate where you are and where you’re going than when you’re recreating (re-creating). And finally…it’s summertime! A perfect time to stop and smell the roses.

 

Kathleen

 

Shared Wisdom About Leadership

 

This post contributes some ideas about leadership. Here are some great words of wisdom on the subject.

“Leadership”

“Is it a title or an attitude?
Is it about power or responsibility?
Is it about those you dominate or those you motivate?
Does it mean accepting applause or giving thanks?
Does it require a hard head or soft hands?
Are you encouraged to assert your status or define your service?
Is it casting a long shadow or producing a steady light?”

from “Indomitable Spirit,” by Chuck Ferguson

“Trilogy for a New Leadership”

Alignment – Today’s leader needs to align the resources of the organization, particularly the human ones, creating a sense of shared objectives worthy of peoples’ support, and even dedication. Alignment has everything to do with spirit and a sense of being part of a team. Great organizations inevitably develop around a shared vision.

Creation – Today’s leader must create an organizational culture where ideas come through unhampered by people who are fearful. Such leaders are committed to problem-finding, not just problem-solving. They embrace error, even failure, because they know it will teach them more than success. Effective leaders create adaptive, creative, learning organizations.

Empowerment – In an effectively led organization, everyone feels he or she contributes to its success. Empowered individuals believe that their actions have significance and meaning. Empowered people live in a culture of respect where they actually can do things without getting permission from some organizational parent figure. Empowered organizations are characterized by trust and system-wide communication.

from “Leading Change: The Leader as the Chief Transformation Officer,” from “Leadership in a New Era,” byWarren Bennis

“Show us clearly whom we should seek to serve, show us where our core strengths lie, show us which score we should focus on and which actions must be taken today, and we will reward you by working our hearts out to make our better future come true.”

from “The One Thing You Need to Know,” Marcus Buckingham

Ask yourself, “What kind of leader are you?” We all serve others at work, in our families, in our friendships, in our communities. Do you find yourself taking the lead and, if so, how do you do that? How do others describe your leadership skills? If you don’t know, ask. You might be surprised to hear the answers. Try utilizing one of the suggestions mentioned above and see if it makes you a more successful leader.

 

Kathleen