Category: Testimonials

Words From Thoreau – The Benefits of Doing Nothing

Good day, team.

This is the final weekend of August. Summer is rounding the bend into autumn, and again the seasons will change. With that change, summer vacation comes to an end. As an adult, I’ve always kind of resented having to work in summer. Those three months off from school at the peak of summer were such a highlight each year. Some childlike part of me still thinks my summers should be spent having nothing better to do than to go out and play. Whether swimming at the local pool with friends, going to camp, visiting relatives at the beach or just hanging out, my childhood summers were always a time to do whatever presented itself each day. What a sense of freedom I felt as I bounded out the door into the morning sunshine, ready to embrace whatever adventures I would encounter on another beautiful summer day!

When I started working full time after college, I realized that part of being a grown up is giving up the freedom of childhood summers. I was so disappointed to discover that I had only two weeks of paid vacation from my job each year. How could I possibly pack all the summer fun into a measly two weeks? On the other hand, who could pay for more time off? I realized I’d taken for granted the fact that my parents had paid for my summer activities. I’d also taken for granted the freedom of those three months of time off each year.

This morning, I thought about all the things I needed to do today — clean the house, shop for dinner, prepare for an upcoming business trip, finish the wash and so on. On most days, I have a to-do list of tasks that fills my time. I thought to myself, “What if I just don’t do any of those things today? What if I go out and play instead? What if I just take a mini-vacation?”

This reminds me of an excerpt from “Walden,” the wonderful book written by Henry David Thoreau. I’ve shared these paragraphs before, but this morning, it seems particularly relevant considering my desire to take time off:

“There were times when I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether of the head or hands. I love a broad margin to my life. Sometimes, in a summer morning, having taken my accustomed bath, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a revelry, amidst the pines and hickories and sumacs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness, while the birds sang around or flitted noiseless through the house, until by the sun falling in at my west window, or the noise of some traveler’s wagon on the distant highway, I was reminded of the lapse of time.

“I grew in those seasons like corn in the night, and they were far better than any work of the hands would have been. They were not time subtracted from my life, but so much over and above my usual allowance. I realized what the Orientals mean by contemplation and the forsaking of works. For the most part, I minded not how the hours went. The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo, now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. Instead of singing like the birds, I silently smiled at my incessant good fortune. As the sparrow had its trill, sitting on the hickory before my door, so had I my chuckle or suppressed warble which he might hear out of my nest.”

This week, find time to give yourself a mini-vacation. As the long days of sunlight still exist, give yourself permission to go out and play, or as Thoreau did, sit in your doorway in silence and stillness, just being with the moment and whatever it brings.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Practicing How To Let Go Of Things

Good day, team.

This weekend I’m on vacation and I fully intended to notify my subscribers that there would not be a challenge this week. But, this morning, I awoke in the home of our family in Ohio and saw this book on the bedside table. It’s entitled “The Book of Awakening”, by Mark Nepo. I opened the book and this is the first thing I read. This week’s challenge is embedded within.

All Fall Down

“It was a snowy night, and Robert was recalling the time two springs ago when he was determined to paint the family room. Up early, he was out the door to the hardware store gathering the gallons of red, the wooden mixing sticks, the drop cloths, and the one-time brushes that always harden, no matter what you soak them in.

He mixed the paint outside and waddled to the door with a gallon in each hand, the drop cloth under his arm, and a wide brush in his mouth. He began to chuckle in telling what happened, “I teetered there for minutes, trying to open the door, not wanting to put anything down. I was so stubborn. I had the door almost open when I lost my grip, stumbled backward and wound up on the ground, red gallons all over me.” At this point, he laughed at himself, as he has done many times, and we watched the snow fall in silence. I thought of his little story the whole way home. Amazingly, we all do this, whether with groceries or paint or with the stories we feel determined to share. We do this with our love, with our sense of truth, even with our pain. It’s such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door. Time and time again we are offered the chance to truly learn this: We cannot hold on to things and enter. We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside.

It is a basic human sequence: gather, prepare, put down, enter. But failing as we do, we always have that second chance – to learn how to fall, get up, and laugh.

Meditate on some threshold you are having trouble crossing in your life. It might be at work, at home, in a relationship, or the doorway to greater peace.
Breathe steadily and look to yourself to see if you are carrying too much to open the door.
Breathe slowly and with each out-breath put down the things you are carrying.
Breathe freely now and open the door.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Learning How To Learn

Good morning, team.

This week’s challenge is about learning how to learn. That may sound redundant, but honestly, now that I’m trying to learn something new, I’m realizing some things about how I learn.

I’m learning about horsemanship. That is, I’m learning how to ride a horse, how to care for horses, how to speak horse language, how to relate to these amazing four-legged animals. Call me crazy. A friend of mine recently commented, “Wasn’t falling down a flight of stairs last October scary enough? Now you want to ride a horse? Isn’t that dangerous, particularly for someone your age?” I know this doesn’t sound like something a friend would say, but her comments did come from a deep concern for my well-being. I tried to make the case that since I haven’t done so well on two legs, perhaps being on something with four will actually be safer. I’m not sure I’ve convinced either of us yet.

Truth be told, part of why I’m learning to ride a horse is to get over my fear of falling from high places. Getting on a horse for the first time last weekend was scary — shaking in your boots kind of scary. As I sat there in the saddle, feeling my whole body quiver, I realized that the only way to get beyond this was to be patient enough to just sit there until it stopped. If I could wait and the horse would just stand there, I knew the shaking would stop eventually. Of course, it did, and I embarked on my first horse ride in 40 years.

It’s been a long time since I last learned how to do something brand new, and I have to say, I’m really not fond of being a novice. I’m one of those people who grows quickly impatient if I can’t do something well right out of the gate. I don’t like how it feels when something is foreign to me — all that new information can be overwhelming. I quickly think, “This just isn’t worth the time or effort. It’s going to take too long to learn how to do this.” Part of why I never learned how to play a musical instrument is because it takes an enormous amount of time, practice and patience to become good at it. I have great respect for musicians because I have no idea how they have the persistence to keep at it year after year.

When I’m learning something new, it helps if I can find small accomplishments within the larger experience of the learning. For example, when I rode for the second time yesterday, I could already get on the horse better than the week before. I gave myself a little nod of encouragement by saying to myself, “You see, you’ve already learned something new.” Between that and my teacher giving me kudos for a few things, I’ve been able to overcome the negative attitude that I can’t do this.

When I was in grade school, teachers weren’t aware that different children learn in unique ways. It was all about delivering the information in the curriculum so that we could complete our lesson plans. But the fact is, a lot of us didn’t get it. For one thing, all of the information was delivered either via the teacher talking to us and or through our own reading about it. For many people, these methods are the least effective to learn. They are boring. How many of us remember sitting in school and listening to the teacher begin to talk about something? After about three minutes, the mind would go blank. On the other hand, I clearly remember every moment of my sophomore biology class when the teacher allowed his pet boa constrictor to crawl all over us. I’m an experiential learner. I like to learn as I’m doing rather than reading about it first.

I’m sure my computer skills have suffered because of my aversion to reading manuals. Short instructions that come from recipes, I can handle. But just looking at the front page of an instruction manual gives me a headache. I can’t keep my attention glued to a written step-by-step process. But throw me into the pool with a vague idea of how to keep my head above water, and I’ll figure it out.

When I was in college, my physics teacher realized that I wasn’t learning anything in his class. Maybe it was how I always sat in the back row hiding behind the tall guy. Eventually, my professor asked to meet with me after class. I dreaded the meeting. I knew I was in over my head, but I needed the science credit to continue majoring in anthropology.

“Not getting much out of this, are you?” he asked.

I could feel my face redden. With down cast eyes I replied, “Nope.”

“Do you know how you like to learn?”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean,” I said.

“Well, he went on, everyone learns a little differently, and the trick to learning isn’t so much about the subject you’re trying to learn but rather about how you like to learn things. Once you figure out how you like to learn, you can learn just about anything.”

This was a new idea for me.

“Let’s try an experiment,” he said. “Let me explain centripetal and centrifugal forces to you, and you can tell me what you’ve understood once I’ve finished.”

He proceeded to explain the two forces and how they work. As much as I tried to listen, he lost me at, “a mass underdoing curved motion, such as circular motion, constantly accelerates toward the axis of rotation.” What?? He might as well have been speaking Greek to me. When he went to the blackboard and wrote out an equation illustrating his point, I was truly lost. He could clearly see that I wasn’t getting it.

“Okay,” he said patiently, “let’s do it your way. Come with me.”

I followed him down the hallway to his classroom. He asked me to get on the stool that he generaly sat on during class. It had a rotating seat, which made it easy for him to turn toward his students and then back to the blackboard when illustrating a point. He asked me to get on the stool and hold my arms in close to my body. Once I did this, he came over and gave me a spin. “This is fun,” I thought as I spun around in circles on the stool.

“Now, hold your arms out,” he instructed. I did this and immediately began to slow down. He came over and spun me around again, this time asking me to bring my arms in and to extend them out as I spun around. Each time I held my arms out, I slowed down. When I brought them back in again, I would speed up. He explained, “When I spun you around, the energy I was using created centripetal force upon you. When you extended your arms out, the opposing centrifugal force created by your extended arms in space slowed you down.”

He went on to explain that there were other laws of physics at work here in regard to Newton’s laws of motion, but this was one small illustration of some of these physics at work.

“Does it make more sense to you now?” he asked.

I had to admit that it did. “Why can’t I always learn it this way?”

“You actually can,” he replied. “You just need to ask for more of a demonstration so you can see how it works. It’s called ‘visual learning,’ and for some of us, seeing how it works is the only way we can learn it.”

When we made it back to his office, he went to the bookcase and handed me a textbook. “Here,” he said, as he handed it to me. “This is my gift to you. Do the exercises in this book, and I’ll pass you in my class.”

The book was called “Physics for Poets.” I laughed. How appropriate, I thought. A book about physics written for people like me!

As I turned to go after thanking my professor for teaching me a lifelong lesson, he remarked, “Promise me that you won’t take physics again. I don’t think it will be your area of expertise.” With a great sigh of relief, I assured him that I wouldn’t take physics again but that I would never forget what he really taught me: how I like to learn.

This week, take a look at how you like to learn things. If you haven’t learned anything new in a while, choose something. Do you like to read about it first, assimilate the information and then try it out? Or maybe you’re like me — you’d rather learn about it as you’re doing it. Perhaps you enjoy the interaction that comes from learning from someone else. Do you prefer doing this in a larger group or one on one? Maybe you’re someone who enjoys going online, watching a video of how someone does something while you take notes and then try it yourself. Some people learn best by telling someone else about what they are learning. My horsemanship instructor suggested I tell my husband what I’m learning. She understood that if I have to explain it, I’ll learn it more quickly.

However it is that you like to learn, this is the week to experiment with it. As Benjamin Franklin wrote, “Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Joy of Simple Pleasures

Good day, team.

I must admit, I am a nester. I enjoy creating a snug home, a retreat. I’m lucky that I have two nests — one in the country and one in the city — and I enjoy both of them for very different reasons. They each provide me with simple pleasures, which is the theme of this week’s challenge.

This morning, as I was hanging laundry out in the back yard, I realized how much pleasure I find in this activity. I enjoy hanging the clothes just right, so they get maximum sun and breeze. Once dry, I like taking the clothes down, folding them and putting them away. And I love the fresh smell and feel of the sheets as I make the bed. There is nothing more pleasurable than getting into a bed with freshly cleaned sheets that have dried on a clothes line. It is one of my favorite simple pleasures.

I also enjoy cooking. The process of planning a meal, shopping for the ingredients, and creating something healthy, nourishing and good-tasting is another one of my favorite simple pleasures. It’s a daily ritual that makes me happy — and my husband appreciates it, too! This morning, I’m making zucchini bread, a wonderful bi-product of our abundant zucchini crop this year.

Each evening, when we get home from work, my husband and I sit for a while with a glass of wine or other drink and review the day’s events. It’s a simple thing, just a daily check in to talk about work, our family and friends. In the winter, we sit in the living room by the fireplace. In the spring and summer, we sit out on the porch or patio. It’s a tradition that gives us a chance to connect and share simple moments of partnership and support.

I used to have a cat. I enjoyed how he would jump up onto my lap when I was reading and make a few circles to the right and then to the left to find the best spot for a nap. Once he’d found it, he would nestle in, knead me a few times with his paws and settle into a deep sleep. It was a simple pleasure that I miss — that warm, soft feline purring softly on my lap.

Yesterday, in a coaching session, my client and I spoke about the pleasure that comes from staring into space. We each acknowledged what a privilege it is to have the time to just sit and stare in silence. No texting, no talking, no thinking — just sitting and looking at whatever is in front of us. It’s a simple pleasure that soothes me in a way nothing else does.

As I write this, a fresh summer breeze wafts through the screen door and passes over my forehead. The chime outside makes a small tinkling sound. The delicious smell of zucchini bread cooking fills the room. I’m grateful to be here right now, experiencing these simple pleasures.

There is a direct connection between simple pleasures and being grateful. Each time I experience these simple things, I realize that I have more than I need to be happy. My grandfather used to say, “I have a good day when I remember to take pleasure in simple things.”

This week, take time to enjoy life’s simple pleasures. Perhaps it’s that first sip of refreshing, cold white wine or lemonade on a hot summer evening. Maybe you’re watching your children run through the sprinkler on your front lawn. You may find yourself sitting with a colleague having a simple exchange about the weekend’s activities. I often see my neighbor out walking her collie and love witnessing the enjoyment she experiences each time she reaches down to give him an affectionate pat on the head. Whatever it is, revel in these moments that give you pleasure in their simplicity.

As the writer Jerome K. Jerome expressed, “Let your boat of life be light, packed with only what you need — a homely home and simple pleasures, one or two friends, worth the name, someone to love and someone to love you, a cat, a dog, and a pipe or two, enough to eat and enough to wear, and a little more than enough to drink; for thirst is a dangerous thing.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Honoring Our Soldiers

Good day team,

“All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers.” Francois Fenelon

This week, we’ll enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, the day we celebrate our country’s freedom through patriotic displays. Dramatic fireworks are the centerpiece of many July 4th celebrations – awe-inspiring displays symbolic of perhaps the greatest expression of patriotism, fighting in one’s country’s wars. This challenge is about honoring the soldiers who make that sacrifice.

This past week, an unusual experience reminded me of the wars we fight and the people who fight them for us. On Thursday evening, my husband and I headed off to have dinner with some friends. As we neared the restaurant, a railroad crossing brought us to a stop. The crossbars came down and the red railway lights blinked to let us know a train was coming. My husband commented, “Geez, now we’ll be late, this could take a while.” I agreed, with a long sigh.

As the train passed in front of us, we saw flatbed after flatbed carrying beat up armored personnel carriers, artillery, and ambulances with fading paint and camouflage. An armored personnel carrier (APC) is a fighting vehicle designed to transport infantry to, and hopefully from, the battlefield. Most are armed with a combination of artillery, machine guns, and mortars and are propelled by wheels or tracks.

I have seen army vehicles transported by train before. But this time was different – the APC’s were covered in dust, light colored desert dust, the kind of dust that comes from the sands of Afghanistan and Iraq. These foreign places seem very far away from my life in Portland – almost unreal. But they are very real to American soldiers fighting an often invisible enemy under very dangerous circumstances, in extreme weather conditions, with little relief.

A sinking feeling came over me as I imagined being a young soldier stuffed into a cramped metal box, dirty and sweaty, trying to breathe in suffocating heat, clueless about what might happen next – combat or boredom.

As the train continued to roll down the track, we sat in silence. Some of the APC’s had painted dragon heads with necks bent in the shape of a question mark. Others had long gun barrels with names stenciled on them such as “Athena”, “Duke” and “Delilah”. It seems odd that we humanize our weapons of war by naming them. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t ignore the ache in the pit of my stomach as I read them. There was something about seeing that dust and reading those names that made these wars in the Middle East so much more real.
I understood in that moment how easy it is to forget about these wars and the soldiers that fight them. It doesn’t really affect my daily life here in Portland. Occasionally, I hear of someone I know who lost a loved one or said goodbye to one that has just shipped out. But, by and large, I don’t think about it much.
This week, in honor of July 4th, I plan to spend some time honoring those who go to war. I could start by raising my awareness of the huge human consequences of war – a very personal matter of life, death or terrible injury. I know there are many veterans and their families who need help. Perhaps I’ll donate money or time to help them find work. Maybe I’ll say a prayer for the soldiers who are currently fighting in Afghanistan or write a letter to one of my Dad’s old Navy buddies just to brighten his day. When I watch a fireworks display, I’ll think of those who have to watch the real thing.
That’s my challenge for the week, perhaps it’s one that you can embrace as well.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinder’s Coaching
(503) 296-9239

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good Ways to Deal With Anger

Good day, team.

This week, I’d like to respond to some of the comments I received from subscribers about last week’s anger challenge. Some people wished I had written more about what to do once the anger occurs.

My intention in last week’s challenge was to encourage people to observe what’s happening when they become angry. For me, that’s the first step and also part of the answer in dealing with anger. If I can observe it, then the part of me that is observing the anger is not under its control. Noticing this observer can begin to offer me a more neutral view of the stimulus that’s made me angry in the first place. I try not to suppress or rush into “fixing” the anger when it happens to me. There’s often much within it that I can learn from about myself and others. Allowing myself to experience it and inquire more deeply helps me understand much more about the stimulus response mechanism that is at the heart of the experience.

However, in an effort to be responsive to my subscribers, I offer some practical suggestions for how to deal with anger once it’s upon us.

1)Feel your feet. When anger arises, it can be like jet rocket fuel coursing through the veins of an old Model-T Ford. What to do with all this explosive energy? I feel my feet. It immediately draws the energy down through the rest of my body, and the intense energy that collects in my chest and throat is more evenly distributed. It also creates more space in my chest for breathing, which decreases the anxiety that can come from shortness of breath and constriction in the throat. This practice takes some of the heat out of the fire and allows me to breathe.

2)Change the focus. When I’m angry, all my energy gets laser focused on the subject I’m angry about. If I can change my focus, even for a split second, it provides a different perspective and viewpoint. In the example I gave last week of wanting to vent all of my anger at the gas station attendant, I was able to change my focus for just a moment. As I drove into the gas station, I noticed that the sun had come out, and after a morning of rain, it was a welcome sight. This observation altered my mood just enough to begin to pull me out of it.

3)Try not to bundle. When we are angry, we tend to bundle unrelated things onto our current situation. Last week, I observed my thoughts starting to bundle as I was driving around looking for gasoline: “Why can’t I find any diesel gas? This would never happen in Europe! Why do American oil companies have such control over us?” and on and on and on. You can imagine all the other things I could have bundled onto that moment. Luckily, I was able to notice that I was doing this. When I drove into the gas station and saw the attendant smiling at another customer, it interrupted my chain of thought. His smile helped break up my angry thoughts, and I stopped myself from bundling something else onto the situation. I realized that this guy was not responsible for American oil companies and increasing my anger wasn’t going to help me get the gas I needed. This awareness also allowed me to respond in a more civil tone to him when he asked if he could help.

4)Remember what’s important to you. Anger makes us believe the only thing that’s really important is what we’re angry about. If you find yourself getting angry with your partner, for example, try stepping back to look at whatever is making you angry in the grand scheme of things. I don’t mean you can’t honestly communicate what’s bothering you, but seeing whatever it is in relative terms often decreases its importance and the burning desire we have to shout about it. Approaching the situation calmly and with some perspective gives you an opportunity to frame the message in a way that it can really be heard and received. I remember a friend telling me about how she was yelling at her husband about something while she was doing the dishes, and all of a sudden a glass broke in her hand. Her husband immediately ran to her side to help her wrap her hand to stop the bleeding. In that moment, the anger was immediately replaced by love and concern.

5)Be honest about what’s really going on. When I’m really angry with someone, I ask myself the five whys. Here’s an example:
I can’t believe he did that to me again! Why?
Because he always does that to me. Why?
He’s trying to compete with me. Why?
He doesn’t respect me. Why?
He doesn’t respect anyone. Why?
He doesn’t respect himself.

If we take the time (and use that angry energy) to do some deeper inquiry into why we are feeling angry rather than just fight back, we have an opportunity to see what might be underlying a situation. Often once we have this deeper information, the anger can begin to dissolve.

6)Be honest in your communication. Taking responsibility for our anger is key. Nothing is more frustrating than to be in a room with a bunch of angry, resentful people who aren’t saying anything. Owning up to our feelings is critical when anger overtakes us. I would much rather have someone say, “Look, this makes me really angry, and we need to talk about it!” Rather than have someone sneer at me or make negative comments about me to someone else. Having the courage to say it like it is, but in such a way that we can be heard, is paramount to making our way through the anger in a much healthier way. We can clear the air rather than harbor the elephant in the room.

No one is comfortable with anger. We generally want to get rid of the energy as quickly as possible because it’s volatile and can be destructive. If we can’t express it, we want to fix it. But often the part of me that wants to fix it becomes angry when I can’t fix it and then that anger gets bundled in with the rest.

Being patient with the process of observing anger is actually harder than dispelling it. But the process of inquiry never lets me down. My inner world contains an entire universe that is worth exploring. And sometimes, the energy of anger is just what I need to propel me further into that unknown territory where the heart of the matter truly lies.

As the poet Ranier Maria Rilke advised, “Live the questions.” And if that doesn’t work for you, I hope the above suggestions will.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Poetry About Soldiers At War

Good day, team.

Today is Memorial Day. For this week’s challenge, I am offering a few poems about war that touch me deeply. It is but one way to honor those who serve in the armed forces. Your challenge this week is to find your own way to honor those who served their countrymen. Let us not forget those who have perished, those who’s lives have been marred by war, and those who continue to serve us.

As Toilsome I Wander’d Virginia’s Woods

As toilsome I wander’d Virginia’s woods,
To the music of rustling leaves kick’d by my feet, (for ’twas autumn,)
I mark’d at the foot of a tree the grave of a soldier;
Mortally wounded he and buried on the retreat, (easily all could understand,)
The halt of a mid-day hour, when up! No time to lose-yet this sign left,
On a tablet scrawl’d and nail’d on the tree by the grave,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.

Long, long I muse, then on my way go wandering,
Many a changeful season to follow, and many a scene of life,

Yet at times through changeful season and scene, abrupt, alone, or in the crowded street,
Comes before me the unknown soldier’s grave, come the inscription rude in Virginia’s woods,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.

~ Walt Whitman

Ten Minutes

It was ten minutes before the war
The quietest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes before the war
And everything was looking good

It was ten minutes during the war
The sickest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes during the war
And everything was dying fast

break

It was ten minutes after the war
The emptiest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes after the war
And there was nothing left

No more war
Is that what it takes for
No more war

No more war
Is that what it takes for
No more war

It was ten minutes.

~ Colin Coplin

Upon the Arid Lakes
Someplace
A field of flowers
Rousing under remnants of the dawn:
Out there! from death, I rose
Above the silent many –
A distant will-o’-the-wisp
Reflecting under airs of minor ninths –
How rich the ambience they threw!

What theme of prosody
Had rendered me? –
Tho’ silent were its words:
A broken soul in pulsing pain –
Thou mustn’t guess what goes behind
The sick and ghostly screen of war!

In sallow-grey and other ashen hues,
Disrobed of warming flesh
That reassures the bones,
A twisted pose
Portrayed my physicality –
Not unlike the carcass of a prey;

But as a cloud of thought, I mused,
Exacerbating woes
Collected in a life dispatched
In freely flowing blood,
Conferring crimson shades
Upon the arid lakes aflood
With glorious tides of nascent buds
Begetting innocence.
And as we glowed in ruddy shades,
I asked: ‘What future lies ahead?
What terror trades? ’

~ Mark R. Slaughter

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249 office

The Perils of Separating Ourselves From Others

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about separation. That is, how we sometimes separate ourselves from others, including family, co-workers and friends.

All of us experience this sense of being separate from time to time. Sometimes it’s caused by a succession of failures, too much stress, or being out of sorts with family members or friends. Whatever the cause, when I feel disconnected from others, it is frequently accompanied by a state of depression and I experience a lot of negative thoughts:

“No one understands me.”
“Why do I have to do this all on my own?”
“No one likes me, so it won’t matter whether I show up or not.”
“I’m such a failure, I can’t do anything right.”
“I’m really an impostor here; if people really knew that I have no idea what I’m doing, I’d never have a job.”

All of these thoughts have the ring of separation to them. In these moments, I see myself as separate from the team, from my family, from my friends. I’m not like them. I’m different in some way.

When I work with teams, I often notice that someone on the team is separating themselves from the others. They may do this by not responding when asked to participate or by having the attitude that they know more than the rest of the group. If someone acts in an antagonistic or provocative way, it can separate him or her from the team. At the same time, feeling like a victim can separate a person from the whole. Even leaders who see themselves as powerful or authoritative can begin to feel separate from their teams. Whether a person sees him- or herself as special or insignificant, the results can be the same: separation.

This feeling of separateness is an illusion. Although we play different roles in our lives, we are all connected to one another. When we forget our connection to all other living beings, we start to get into trouble. I may think the Japanese tsunami last year was an event separate from me, but the remaining debris from that tsunami’s aftermath is about to show up on our west coast shores. I can judge my neighbors and feel like I’m better or smarter — until I need to call them for help. Will they judge me in return in that moment? What about when a fellow team member needs to pick up some of my job responsibilities when I’m out sick? I hope he or she won’t be feeling separate from me and will be able to see the importance of supporting me when I need it. Every action we take impacts someone else somewhere, somehow.

The best metaphor for this is the ocean and the wave. In our various roles, we show up as a wave. Sometimes waves are big and powerful, and other times, they roll calmly onto the shore. Waves can be bright and beautiful with white, frothy crests and deep blue colors or dark and grey with a slick surface. Just as we can be bright and beautiful or dark and grey, our various personalities show up as waves. Believing that our wave is separated from all the other waves can make us feel alone — but in reality, we are part of a huge ocean. That ocean is made of water and the water is what makes up the waves. Without the ocean, there is no wave. Without the rest of humanity, there is no one person.

This week, see whether you’ve separated yourself from others in some part of your life. Do you pride yourself in being different and, in turn, think you’re better than or less than others? How about with your family — are you the black sheep or the odd one or the best one? Do you separate yourself by spending most of your time alone? Do you not pay attention to others when you’re in a meeting and separate your attention away from everyone else? When you resist participating, what is it in you that thinks you’re not connected to everyone else? If you envision a sports team playing on the field, what if someone kicks the ball to their teammate and their teammate decides not to play anymore? Doesn’t the game stop? We are indeed each unique individuals, but it’s important to understand that what makes us special doesn’t need to separate us from others. In fact, that’s what makes teams so great — all of those unique qualities and strengths directed toward a common goal.

This week, appreciate how connected you are to others in all things. We were not put here to be alone and belonging to each other is one of the great gifts of humankind.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 422-9249

Revel In Your Abundance

Good day, team.
The coach’s challenge this week is about abundance. Look around you. What do you see? Do you have everything you need? Do you have everything you want? What is the difference? Are you grateful for what you have, or do you find yourself constantly longing for what you don’t have?
This reminds me of a novel I read entitled “Shantaram” by Gregory Roberts, about life in the slums of Bombay, India. Most of the characters in this book live in small, handmade huts on the outskirts of the city. They own a change of clothes, a toothbrush, a cup, a plate, a fork and a mat to sleep on. (And these are the lucky ones!) I am amazed at how happy these people are and how they experience abundance in their lives. They are grateful for the smallest things because they have so little. I also read another novel about a young girl who was born into a family of billionaires and has all she’s ever wanted. Her life is characterized by continual displeasure with everyone and everything around her. The contrast between the two stories is obvious: Abundance is not about having more and more things but about our attitude toward the things we have.
We live in a world of enormous wealth and consumerism. The selection of products is overwhelming at times. Do you ever find yourself in the store unable to decide among the 30 brands of laundry detergent on the shelf? The time I often spend analyzing which brand to buy is actually worth far more to me than any benefit I might derive from saving money or getting better quality with the “right” choice. I’m actually happier if I have a more limited selection. Faced with too many options, I chafe for what isn’t available, and then I’m dissatisfied with what is.
Cultivating an awareness of our surroundings is one of the best ways to experience abundance. Right now, we are enjoying the beauty of spring. The power of nature is everywhere. Wildflowers are in bloom, trees are resplendent in many different shades of green, and the increasing warm weather draws us outside to revel in nature’s abundance. Each of us can experience this wonderful season but only if we take the time to see it, smell it, touch it. This time of year, we can be especially grateful for the warmth of welcome sunshine on our skin. Perhaps you find yourself arranging flowers and their fragrance fills you with happiness. Finding ways to experience these delights of the season increases my feelings of abundance and gratitude for what I experience in my life.
This week, take a moment or two to appreciate the abundance in your life. Do you have plenty to eat? Are you surrounded by people who love you? Maybe you live in a beautiful place and always have the wonders of nature around you. Perhaps your home brings you great pleasure as you soak in your tub, spend many wonderful hours in your garden or relax in your easy chair. Whatever abundance is around you, give yourself time to revel in it.
When we feel abundant, we tend to attract abundance. When we cultivate an attitude of scarcity, our minds focus on what we don’t have, and in turn, we attract less of what we need and want. Try finding something in your environment this week that makes you truly grateful. Experience how happy and abundant this appreciation makes you feel. Enjoy life as William Blake expressed it in “Auguries of Innocence”:
To see a World in a grain of sand
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour.
Have a great week!
Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good Ways to Remove Self-Doubt

Good day team,

This weeks challenge comes from a quote I read by the great French novelist and playwright, Honore de Balzac.

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.”

I think we all know what Balzac was referring to. When we set out to accomplish something that doesn’t go exactly as we expected, or when our ideas or actions are rejected by others, we immediately experience self-doubt. Our inner voices are suddenly fueled by negative thoughts that say things like, “My idea was stupid in the first place”, or “No one ever appreciates what I do”, or “What made you think you could accomplish this in the first place? What a fool!” and so on.

This experience of self-deprecation is one of the greatest ways we sabotage ourselves. We give our power away to that self-doubt and shy away from what we were trying to do in the first place.

How many of us sat at the dinner table growing up and were asked this question by a parent. “What did you do today at school?” Our parents were expecting us to describe what we had achieved, not how we had failed. “Well Dad, I got a B+ on my history test.” “Great son, what else?” Again, tell me what you accomplished.

Imagine how the conversation might have gone if Dad had congratulated us for our failures as well as our successes. Here’s a great example of what can happen when failure is encouraged.

Sara Blakely is the founder of Spanx, a highly successful company that makes women’s undergarments. Just a few months ago, Sara was on the cover of Forbes magazine and recognized as one of this country’s newest billionaires. She built her fortune by conceiving, designing, and manufacturing a product that millions of women around the world wear. It’s a bit like a modern day version of a girdle. Call it panty hose without the hose.

Sara didn’t come up with this over night. She was involved in a number of start-up ventures before she launched Spanx. They all failed miserably. But unlike many of us, she never got discouraged. She never allowed self-doubt to disempower her. She just kept coming up with new ideas and trying to turn them into successful businesses.

When Sara and her brother were growing up, their father asked them a completely different question at dinner time – “How did you fail today?” When they answered the question, their Dad would respond, “Gee, that’s great. You learned another set of lessons about what works and doesn’t work. Good job!”

When I read about Sara’s father asking this question, I realized that he was helping to teach some valuable lessons:

1.

failure is to be expected whenever we try to achieve something new
2.

what we learn from failing can be most important.

Instead of criticizing his children for failure, he did just the opposite. Consequently, Sara grew up more than willing to take risks, try out new ideas and products, fall on her face more than a few times, and still get up everyday with the attitude that she was doing the right thing – because she was failing! Think of how different your life would be if you had been raised to embrace and celebrate your failures? The whole notion of success and failure would be turned on it’s head.

This came as a revelation to me a few years back when I realized that I made many decisions from fear rather than from desire. I wanted to write a book of poetry when I was in my 20’s but I was too afraid of criticism. I wanted to go back to school and get an advanced degree. But I was too afraid that the work load would prevent me from attending to my business and that I wouldn’t make enough money. I wanted to learn how to play piano again. But I was afraid I wasn’t committed enough to practice and that it would be a waste of my time. I wanted to travel to Africa but I was too afraid that I might get sick and not be able to find good healthcare. The list goes on and on. In each case, the more I heeded my fear and inner negative voices, the more empowered they became. Eventually, they became powerful enough to talk me out of doing what I wanted to do and feel justified in not doing them.

One day, I got angry enough to change. I wasn’t going to continue to listen to my self-doubt. I was going to start making decisions based on what I wanted to do. I felt like Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, when, after many years of war and destitution, she reached into the earth, grabbed a clump of dirt and raised it to the sky exclaiming, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!” Well, as my God was my witness, I wasn’t going to let fear lead my life!

I had to come up with ways to neutralize my self-doubt so that it wouldn’t become so convincing. I needed to find ways to convert doubt and defeat into empowerment and courage.

I discovered some things that helped me and offer them here as suggestions that might help you have more trust in yourself :

1. Get grounded through presence

I often find that when I’m experiencing a lot of self-doubt, the simple act of trying to be present brings me out of it. This requires focusing on my attention on something very specific (like feeling my feet or my breath) to bring me into the moment and change the subject. Sometimes I focus on a sound, or a picture, or a sensation. Sometimes, going for a short walk will immediately pull me out of my negative thoughts and refresh me. Talking with a colleague or friend can work as well.

2. Balance the minuses with pluses

If you naturally see the glass half empty, try seeing it half full. If you still can’t focus on the positive aspects of something, ask someone who you know sees the world naturally as half full. There are always losses and gains to everything, but focusing only on the losses keeps us in that negative place. I often ask my clients to tell me what they gained from having worked with me. I keep their comments written down and review them whenever I find myself in a particularly bad bout of self-deprecating thoughts.

3. Find what makes you feel good

Finding yourself in a funk can be remedied by doing something that makes you feel good. Find what nurtures you and do it. Maybe you enjoy listening to music or reading books. How about having your significant other massage your hands or feet? Sometimes, when I’m feeling overwhelmed by self-doubt, I take a hot bath. My husband finds his joy in playing, writing and arranging music. This always changes his state of mind and heart. Make sure you make time in your day to play at whatever you enjoy and get enough sleep. All of these things will help you maintain a healthier state of mind and body.

4. Reach out to others and connect

As much as we can try to do things for ourselves in our moments of self-doubt, reaching out to others for help is essential. This is where coaches and therapists, teachers and mentors really come in handy. They are trained to listen and support us when we need it most. We can also benefit from acting in this role for another. One of my favorite ways to neutralize my self-doubt is by coaching someone else. Just by taking the focus off of me and being present to them, I automatically benefit from the interaction. And, it always gives me a different view finder through which to look. Even reaching out to a co-worker or friend and asking how they see something can help us adopt a more positive point of view.

This week, try using some of these methods to cast self-doubt and deprecation out of your mind. No one ever got anywhere by listening to their inner thoughts telling they couldn’t do something. See if one of these methods helps you cultivate a different set of thoughts that serve you better. How about working on your attitudes about success and failure? Maybe just seeing it completely differently is enough to encourage you to keep going.

Having the courage and determination to keep trying in the midst of failure seems to be one of the major keys to success. When you experience self-doubt, don’t give it any more power than it already has.

As Steve Jobs powerfully reminded us,

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

~ Steve Jobs, Co-Founder and CEO of Apple Computer

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Founder, Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.