Category: Testimonials

The Tale of Two Wolves – Which One Do You Feed?

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge comes from an old Indian tale, “Two Wolves,” which was shared with me by a *coaching contact. She heard it from Lou Tice, chairman of The Pacific Institute, an organization dedicated to transforming peoples’ lives through education and training.

“One evening, an old Cherokee man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

“The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf wins?’ The old man replied, ‘The one you feed.’

How often are we faced with a choice about how to react to each day’s challenges? Do we rail at the outrageous winds of fate that pound us from time to time, falling in the pit of self-pity, or do we look upon these moments as opportunities to learn and grow, and broaden the humanity within us?

The good news is that we do have a choice. We can choose to feed the wolf of envy and resentment or the wolf of humility, benevolence and compassion. We can choose to be happy or to be miserable. The choice we make colors our days, our work and our relationships to those around us. Which wolf will you choose to feed today?”

Your challenge this week is to observe what your state of mind is throughout the day and choose what serves you best. Which wolf are you choosing to feed? In some cases, we don’t make a conscious choice but rather find ourselves in a state of negativity that creates a bad day. If you recognize that a difficult state has come over you, then you can choose to do something to get yourself out of it. In that moment you can choose the good wolf, rather than have the evil wolf to determine how your day will go.

The opportunities we have to choose our state of mind and heart are endless. Events throughout our day create all kinds of reactions in us. But if we are self-aware enough to observe what we’re thinking and feeling, we can ask ourselves, “Does this state serve me well?” Just by asking the question you will have an opportunity to choose which wolf you want to feed and which wolf you can tell to find its food elsewhere.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

*Many thanks to Debbie Neuberger, Senior Vice President of Customer Care at Move Inc., for sharing this story with me.

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Find That Poem That Reminds You of Peace and Freedom

Good morning, team,

Each April, I try to offer a poem as one of the weekly coach’s challenges, because April is poetry month. This year, I decided to wait until the end of May to offer you something from Walt Whitman as part of your challenge. This coming weekend is the anniversary of his birth, so the timing seemed appropriate.

Whitman, as most of us know, was one of America’s finest poets. He was born on May 31, 1819, and lived a fulfilling and challenging life for the next 80 years. We know his poetry, but many people are not aware that Walt Whitman traveled hundreds of miles on foot, state to state, visiting wounded soldiers in make-shift camps during the Civil War. He sat with these soldiers, held their hands, prayed with them, spoke to them in poetic terms and then walked to the next set of tents that had been hastily erected on a blood-soaked hillside to console and love yet another group of soldiers.

I have always felt that Walt Whitman was a patron saint for me. We share the same birthdate. As a child, I saw a picture of him in a book of my grandfather’s. There he stood, with his long white beard, in a cock-eyed hat and well-worn vest, looking straight into the camera with a curious look. I liked him instantly and asked him silently if we could be friends. He responded with a whole-hearted, “Yes!” and we’ve been buddies ever since.

When I was little and something really frightened me, I would imagine myself lying in a field of wildflowers and high grass with Walt, my head resting on his chest. I could feel bits of his beard tickle the top of my head as we looked into the high blue sky, the bright sun warming our faces, chatting about the day and how fine everything was. This always made me feel better and, I must confess, I still call upon him as an adult when anxiety tries to overcome me. His poetry inspires and settles me at the same time.

Here is a poem from Walt that I want to share with you for this challenge.

“Out of the rolling ocean, the crowd, came a drop gently to me,
Whispering I love you, before long I die,
I have travel’d a long way merely to look on you to touch you,
For I could not die till I once look’d on you,
For I fear I might afterward lose you.

Now we have met, we have look’d, we are safe,
Return in peace to the ocean my love,
I too am part of that ocean my love, we are not so much separated,
Behold the great rondure, the cohesion of all, how perfect!
But as for me, for you, the irresistible sea is to separate us,
As for an hour carrying us diverse, yet cannot carry us diverse forever;
Be not impatient – a little space – know you I salute the air, the
ocean and the land,
Every day at sundown for your dear sake my love.”

Your challenge this week is to find that poem, that author, that essay that gives you a moment of peace and freedom. Find the words that offer you a break from the daily grind. Build it into your week, your month, your year. Like coming up for air, allow yourself an opportunity to surface above the weight of your daily responsibilities and take a breath. Rest for a moment in that place of tranquil joy. Find the word that inspires you and allows you to see things from a different perspective. Take a few moments just for yourself.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights
reserved.

The Necessity of Limiting How Much Time We Spend On-Line

Good day, team,

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much time I spend on my computer. Is it four hours a day or more? I know it’s the first thing I do when I get to my office in the morning: log on, get my e-mail, and then I’m in for however long it takes me to sift through the messages and respond appropriately. Next is usually a coaching session on the phone or in person and then back to the computer.

I try hard not to use the computer when I’m on the phone, but sometimes I need to look up something we’re discussing and sometimes I make a few notes. Since I really don’t like to hear people typing while they’re on the phone with me, I try to be respectful in return.

Sometimes I just seem to hang out on my computer. You know how it is: You’re in that blank space, staring at your screen (like staring into space) and just sort of surfing around with no particular aim in mind. It’s comforting in a vacuous way, but I find that I often feel guilty if too much time goes by, the way I do when I watch stupid stuff on TV.

I have to set up rules about my computer so I don’t spend too much time on it. When I do, my neck starts to hurt, and that’s my wake up call to get up and move away from the machine. I also try not to work on my computer at night. Once I’ve left my office, I leave it behind. But there are still times when hours pass as my fingers move across the keyboard.

I read a letter to the editor on this topic in one of my favorite magazines, “The Sun,” this week. Laura Rachinsky of Norwalk, Connecticut, writes

“The Internet is a useful tool, a means to an end, whether you are in search of esoterica or airline reservations. When society begins to view the Internet as an end unto itself, however, we sacrifice our humanity. As Nicholas Carr says, we lose our capacity for introspection and contemplation and even endanger the quality of our interpersonal relationships. We deprive ourselves of all sensory input save for what’s displayed on the two-dimensional monitor.

“Though I enjoy my computer, I will never surrender my books. Reading is a sensory experience: the solidity of a hardcover or the suppleness of a paperback; the friction of fingertips on pulpy pages; the smell of ink and paper.”

I can relate to what Ms. Rachinsky has written. My computer is very useful, but it has its limitations. One of my greatest joys in life is reading a great book, and the nicer the book, the better the experience. I particularly appreciate the pace of reading and how my mind chooses to contemplate what I read at its own speed.

Your challenge this week is to observe how much time you spend on your computer and experiment with changing your online habits. See if you have resorted to using it for many other things you used to do without a computer, like looking up recipes in a cookbook or reading the newspaper. Are you regularly sending friends a message on Facebook instead of calling them on the phone or going to see them? Try limiting the amount of time you spend on your computer or, at the very least, try adding other methods of communication to your day so the computer is not your only source of interaction.

Computers are, after all, machines, and I find that if I spend most of my day interacting chiefly with a machine, I feel rather empty when the day is done. I marvel at their many uses and the wealth of information they make available to me in a nanosecond, but I second Ms. Rachinsky, who concluded her letter by asking, “Who ever curled up on a rainy day with a good computer?”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Seeing The Beauty In Acceptance vs. Denial

Good day team,

A few months ago, my husband and I went back to Portland, Maine, to visit my aging father, who had just moved into an assisted living center. I mentioned that I might write about some of my experiences during that trip, and now I can share what was probably the most significant observation I made, about denial. It is the subject of this week’s challenge, one that everyone can relate to.

After starting out in a privileged family, receiving a top-notch education, succeeding at some challenging executive jobs, surviving multiple marriages and raising four daughters, suffering from mental illness and diabetes, playing boogie woogie and Chopin on the piano, and finding true joy in baseball, a good scotch, a well-played 18 holes of golf, and the voice of Lena Horne, my father had become a person whose life had narrowed to the corner of a room in an assisted living center. When I saw him sitting there, in a high-backed chair, watching one of his favorite old movies, I wondered how such a situation befalls human beings. After such a full life, how does the final act end up like this?

My father, the great story-teller. The guy who could always entertain my friends by recounting historical events with incredible accuracy (right down to how many times a cannon had been fired) or recite one of hundreds of off-color limericks he had committed to memory, which left us laughing so hard we cried. He could tell an Irish tale with the perfect accent, or send chills up our spines spinning scary stories on dark stormy nights. Now he can barely speak more than a few words and has a hard time remembering what he ate for breakfast. Could this, God forbid, happen to me?

I had a hard time accepting his condition. Surely, he would just be in the center for a few weeks, I kept telling myself, and then things would go back to normal. He would move back to the home where he and my stepmother—a truly remarkable woman who has loved my father for the past 12 years with total unconditional love and support—would return to the nice routine they’d developed in the company of their loyal dog, Lewis, and tentative cat, Clark.

But after a few days, I began to accept that my father was never going to leave that place. The best that could happen would be for him to leave the medical portion of the facility and move into a small apartment on the assisted living side of the building. We were all hoping for this possibility, and my stepmother did an admiral job lobbying for it every chance she had.

While I fought my denial about what was happening to my father, I noticed that the one person who seemed to be the most accepting of his condition was my father himself. By being so willing to go with the flow, my father was helping all of us come to terms with his situation. When a weekend nurse came to see to his medications and, not knowing his case, asked him, “When do you go home, dear?” my father replied, “I’m never going to leave this place.” The finality of his statement made my stomach turn.

Herein lies the theme of this week’s challenge: denial. We all know the experience: It’s what happens when we cannot face what is right in front of us. It’s the cloak we put over our heads when something is too difficult to face, the lie we tell when something is too painful to admit, and the overall attitude we have when we choose not to acknowledge the “elephant in the room.” It happens in our core relationships and within our extended families; we see it play out on a global scale with our politicians; and we experience it almost every day at work. Denial is so prevalent in our lives that it’s become remarkable when someone instead just accepts what is.

Next time you’re sitting in a meeting at work where everyone avoids the biggest issue, yet you can see it in their eyes—you know they know that you know that they know, but no one is talking about the truth—or you watch a parent or grandparent struggle with aging issues and you yourself refuse to accept their new circumstances, try mustering the courage to face the reality of the situation.

Take a lesson from my Dad. When you hear yourself telling stories of denial, just stop mid-sentence and decide not to continue. Ask yourself what you’re pretending not to know. See if you can live with the thing you are avoiding. Try telling yourself the truth and just accept the facts.

Remarkably, I’ve found that when I’m able to face something, it’s often not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. There’s something in the process of denial that makes the monsters we’re avoiding seem twice as big and much more ferocious than they actually are. When we finally confront them, they’re really not so scary after all. In fact, there’s often a silver lining. In my father’s case, one bright spot is that my Dad and stepmother now go on dates each Saturday afternoon for lunch and a movie. It’s something they both look forward to, and it makes Saturdays a special day.

I’m still learning from my father. He’s teaching me something about the futility of denial and the beauty of acceptance. I hope by sharing this challenge with you, you learn something too.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

The Benefits of Persevering

Good day, team,

The subject of this week’s challenge is perseverance. This morning, I had to sit myself down and have a short internal conversation about the necessity of persevering, even when I think I can’t, when I feel defeated, and I just don’t have one ounce of energy left to do much of anything.

The last few weeks have been challenging for me on the health front. Ironically, now that I’ve finally gotten my psychological and emotional life stable and relatively happy, my body wants to remind me that I have another birthday coming up this month and 60 is a little closer on the horizon. I have no relationship at all to what it means to be over 55 except that now I get discounts at some stores on Tuesdays. The knowledge that there are multiple generations of people younger than me is also hard to fathom. I try to do things the way I’ve always done them in the past, but they either don’t get done, or they don’t get done with the precision they used to, and I have to persevere to finish.

At the same time, I’m learning valuable lessons from aging and how to keep going when you think you can’t. First, I’ve had to delegate more and make better choices about what I take on. I recently hurt my clavicle and couldn’t work on my computer easily, so I asked a friend if she would finish a presentation I’m giving next week. It turned out to be great fun to work on that project with her, and she added a lot of value by asking questions and giving me new ideas. Because of her help, I was also able to fulfill other responsibilities that wouldn’t have gotten my attention.

Second, I’ve had to give myself a lot more time to do things and be satisfied that they aren’t going to get done as quickly. I don’t exercise patience easily: When I know something needs doing, I just go do it and don’t like waiting for anyone or anything that slows me down. But I don’t have the energy to dive in the way I used to, and I unexpectedly have found that giving situations a little more time sometimes yields unexpected benefits.

Third, when I think I’m out of options, I’m learning to just sit and accept what is. In the sitting and accepting, I’m finding a hidden source that often gives me that one last boost to persevere and open up more possibilities. Someone once told me that just when you think you’ve reached your limits, you find you can go just a little bit farther, and then your old limitations are no longer true and you have new limitations. I’m not sure how this works, but it seems right.

This week, explore ways you can persevere through tough situations. Maybe you’ve been trying to get something done at work and, no matter how you try, you keep hitting a brick wall. Try pausing for a bit and then moving forward again. Maybe you need to change your approach and try something new. Perhaps, like me, you’ve been experiencing health issues and don’t have the vitality you once did. Look at ways you can delegate a task or redesign your process. Maybe it’s just a matter of leaving a project until the next day, when your energy is renewed and you have a better attitude about completing it. Whatever it takes, try being more accepting. If you know you can’t get something done, try accepting that fact and then asking yourself, “OK, now what? Is there another way to make this happen?”

In her old age, my grandmother shared a lot of wisdom with me. She suffered most of her life from acute arthritis, and there were many times I saw her have to persevere just to make it through the day. She used to say, “Seems like old age fires up my spirit as much as it stiffens my bones.” Amen, sister.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Ways To Deal With Monkey Mind

Good day, team,

It’s spring again out at our place in the Columbia River Gorge, and buds are busting out all over. The daffodils are just beginning their final nods, the balsam root and lupine are waking up, and the lilacs buds are beginning to show their purple flowers.

As I sat on the porch yesterday admiring the renewal of life in this beautiful place, a small grey digger squirrel darted out in front of me. These tiny pests are the bane of anyone’s existence out here. They’re not bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, but scrawny and beady-eyed, and they wreak havoc wherever they can. One weekend last year, we came out to the ranch to discover the front lawn was covered with pink stuff that looked like cotton candy. It was fiberglass insulation the grey diggers had pulled out from under the house and played with just for fun!

Anyway, back to my moment on the porch. That pesky little grey digger reminded me of my own mind. That is, there I was, sitting peacefully, enjoying the moment, but at any time, some pesky thought could arise that wanted my attention. If I wasn’t careful and followed that thought, the next thing I knew, I wouldn’t be in that moment anymore: I’d follow that grey digger-like thought right down into some nasty little hole that might be hard to get out of once I was in there.

I often tell my clients, “The part of you that is observing your thoughts is not of them.” So if I’m sitting there peacefully, and I see a thought pop up that wants to distract me, I have about a nanosecond to decide not to follow it. I can say instead, “Nope, you nasty little thought, I’m not going to give you any attention, I’m not going to follow you. I’m going to sit right here and be in this moment, and you can just keep going without me.” Believe it or not, if I catch it before it catches me, the thought usually just disappears into thin air. And that’s the funny part: It came out of thin air to begin with.

Not giving your thoughts so much power is a liberating experience. After attending many silent retreats, I’ve learned this truth over and over again. When you go on a silent retreat, you make an agreement with yourself. No matter what comes up, you just stay seated and you watch. And you watch and you watch, and you breathe, and you itch sometimes, and you weep sometimes, and you just stay in silence. Pretty soon, the thoughts that come up and try to lure you away just disappear, and the the itches go away, and the tears go away, and the anxiety, and the anger, and the sadness and the joy: It all just rises up and passes away.

So this week my challenge is to remember what I’ve learned about the tricks my mind likes to play on me and to stay silent and not let the thoughts take me away from where I am. I offer you this challenge as well. Try staying silent for a few moments each day and watch. Try not to react to everything that wants your attention. Stay calm and centered in yourself. Try not to give yourself away to every little thing that comes up and wants all your energy.

Remarkably, life will continue on just fine without your having to comment on every part of it. In your silence, you’ll discover a well of love and safety within yourself that cannot be disturbed by anyone or anything unless you let it.

Let the grey diggers try to create havoc! I’ll not have it, at least not this week.

Have a peaceful week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

How Music and Art Inspire Us and Their Importance In Our Lives

Good day, team,

This morning when I awoke, I found that the music I had listened to yesterday was still in my head and my heart. My husband and I had attended a wedding, and then last evening we went to hear a tabla drumming master.

The wedding ceremony was beautiful, full of memorable moments. But I was left with two distinct impressions: the incredibly beautiful voice of the man (thank you, Kevin Walsh) who sang during the ceremony and the joy I saw on the faces of the bride and groom when they turned to their friends and family at the end of the service.

Later, at the tabla player’s performance, there were dancers and other entertainment, but again I woke up with the memory of the music.

I often think about what in my life leaves the most memorable impressions. If I sit in a meeting for an hour, what am I left with? Often, it’s the expression on someone’s face, or something they said that resonates with me, or the way the light filters into the room.

I also wonder about what goes unnoticed, slipping away as the seconds click by on the clock. Unfortunately, many moments pass when I’m drifting in my own imagination, distracted, or just in a state of dullness I refer to as “a low hum.”

But music wakes me up, even when I don’t like it. It soothes me when I do love the sound and transforms my state in ways that are a mystery to me.

This week’s challenge is about music or art in any form that serves you in that way. What transforms you, gives you that feeling of being uplifted and inspired and changes you in the moment?

My associate Kate Dwyer sent me the following article this morning, coincidentally, about music. It’s an excerpt from a speech by Karl Paulnack, pianist and director of the music division at Boston Conservatory, welcoming the freshman class. (If you’re interested in reading the entire speech, send me an e-mail, and I’ll attach it in my reply.)

“The first people to understand how music really works were the ancient Greeks. And this is going to fascinate you: The Greeks said that music and astronomy were two sides of the same coin. Astronomy was seen as the study of relationships between observable, permanent, external objects, and music was seen as the study of relationships between invisible, internal, hidden objects. Music has a way of finding the big, invisible, moving pieces inside our hearts and souls and helping us figure out the position of things inside us. Let me give you some examples of how this works.

“One of the most profound musical compositions of all time is the ‘Quartet for the End of Time’ written by French composer Olivier Messiaen in 1940. Messiaen was 31 years old when France entered the war against Nazi Germany. He was captured by the Germans in June 1940, sent across Germany in a cattle car and imprisoned in a concentration camp.

“He was fortunate to find a sympathetic prison guard who gave him paper and a place to compose. There were three other musicians in the camp, a cellist, a violinist, and a clarinetist, and Messiaen wrote his quartet with these specific players in mind. It was performed in January 1941 for four thousand prisoners and guards in the prison camp. Today it is one of the most famous masterworks in the repertoire.

“Given what we have since learned about life in the concentration camps, why would anyone in his right mind waste time and energy writing or playing music? There was barely enough energy on a good day to find food and water, to avoid a beating, to stay warm, to escape torture—why would anyone bother with music?

“And yet from the camps we have poetry, we have music, we have visual art; it wasn’t just this one fanatic Messiaen: Many, many people created art. Why? Well, in a place where people are only focused on survival, on the bare necessities, the obvious conclusion is that art must be, somehow, essential for life. The camps were without money, without hope, without commerce, without recreation, without basic respect, but they were not without art. Art is part of survival; art is part of the human spirit, an unquenchable expression of who we are. Art is one of the ways in which we say, ‘I am alive, and my life has meaning.’”

Your challenge this week is to figure out what makes you feel alive and do more of it. In my case, I think I’ll play a piece of music that I particularly enjoy each morning this week before I read the newspaper or go online. Or perhaps I’ll play the music afterwards so that whatever information I take in about how bad the economy is, or how our politicians continue to criticize each other, or which local people were arrested for their terrible deeds, the music will serve to inspire me and give me a better chance at having positive experiences throughout the day. Perhaps you can listen to your favorite radio station on your drive to work or on your iPod if you take the bus. It always makes me happy when I pull up to a stoplight and see someone in the car next to me singing at the top of their lungs and rocking out to a tune that fills their heart with joy.

Whatever it is that gives you that spark of life, realize that it’s not just worth doing, it is essential to your physical well-being and emotional survival. Find time to build it into your day. It will change you, I promise!

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

The Importance of Rigor and Relationship In Management

Good day, team,

Last week I visited my father at his new residence, an upscale assisted living center called Falmouth by the Sea, in Falmouth, Maine, on the Atlantic Ocean. I could write extensively about my experience of the place, the situation my father is in, and my overall impressions of what happens to people who grow old and infirm and end up in these kinds of facilities, but honestly, I’m still digesting much of what I experienced. Perhaps some of my impressions will make it into future challenges.

That being said, a column I read in the New York Times yesterday got me thinking about my father and one of the gifts both my parents gave me as a child. The title of the piece is “No Picnic For Me Either” by David Brooks. You may recognize that phrase, since it is attributed to Barack Obama’s mother. Evidently, the young Obama was struggling in school, and his mother decided to wake him up at 4:30 a.m. to tutor him. When he complained about getting up so early in the morning, her comment was “This is no picnic for me either, buster.” Brooks points out the two traits in this scenario that are necessary for academic success: relationship and rigor.

This anecdote reminded me of my father and the kinds of sacrifices he and my mother made in raising my sister and me. I look back now and see that the quality of the relationship they had with us and the rigor they put us through helped us to value the results that come from working hard and challenging ourselves. We were encouraged to make a contribution to the greater good, and my parents tried to set an example by doing the same in their own lives.

I recall my father driving many hours to some historical spot in New England, while my sister and I complained bitterly in the back seat, wanting to be anywhere but in a hot, muggy Plymouth station wagon, searching for the exact spot where some historical battle had taken place that was key to this country’s success in winning the Revolutionary War.

Once Dad found the spot, he stood on the grassy knoll in his Bermuda shorts, black socks and wingtip shoes and narrated the story of what had happened there and why it was so important in winning our freedom from the British.

I can still hear him say, with great passion, “Just think about it: Right here, our soldiers pushed the British back and held their position. If it hadn’t been for that resistance, we might not have the right to vote!”

We thought he was weird back then. We rolled our eyes as he spoke and hoped we could soon drive to the nearest ice cream parlor for some relief. But years later, when I was sitting in a history exam, it was that particular battle that I wrote about, with so much eloquence I got an A for my final grade. At that moment, I greatly appreciated my father’s rigorous efforts to try to teach my sister and me experientially, rather than just telling us to read the next chapter in a history book.

My experience in coaching and training has taught me that relationship and rigor are fundamental to the success of anyone’s personal and professional development. Many managers insist that their team members attend training, but if the managers don’t create a strong relationship with them and have a rigorous way of helping them apply that training in their day-to-day jobs, the training is lost and the dollars misspent.

Your challenge this week is to focus on creating better relationships with your people and finding rigorous ways to help them engage more fully in their jobs. Part of this effort is letting people know that there are consequences to their actions. In my father’s case, he would often quiz us after one of our outings (over food, thank God) about what we remembered. The positive reinforcement we received from both of our parents when we came up with the right answer was reward enough. And, conversely, if we spaced out and allowed our bad attitudes to prevent us from paying attention, the follow-up conversation was not a fun experience, and we inevitably felt stupid and left out.

In working with team members, many rewards come from adding extra rigor to the way things get done. How about setting stretch goals for your team members and checking in with them each day to see whether they’re going above and beyond what’s normally expected? Maybe you create a competition so that people are rewarded for thinking of new ways to use a product or service. Perhaps it’s time to take them out of the office and engage them in a team activity so they come back the next day refreshed and willing to re-engage after having had a different way of connecting with each other.

In the end, working hard, being held accountable, and getting recognition for the results of that hard work make everyone on the team happy. But it’s an even more enriching experience if the people you work for take a passionate interest in you, and invest in your success by showing you how deeply they care about your continuous improvement. Statistics show that when times get tough, people naturally come together to help and support each other. The smart companies I work with are using our current economic hard times to strengthen their one-on-one relationships with their team members and putting more energy into challenging them to do a better job.

In the case of Obama’s mother, we see that she cared passionately about his future and was willing to make the extra effort to help him realize that future. She was also disinclined to put up with any of his bellyaching about it. I think that attitude served him well.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

The Value of Not Over-Analyzing Yourself

Good day, team,

As I was reviewing some of my earlier coach’s challenges today, I saw one I wrote in July 2007 that seems relevant for this past week. Here it is.

This morning I happened upon an article about Dr. Albert Ellis, a noted psychotherapist who died last week at 93. Dr. Ellis focused much of his psychotherapeutic treatments on action; that is, rather than overanalyzing everything, he encouraged his patients to take action regarding their emotional and psychological states by accepting who they were and not delving too deeply into the reasons why they were that way. He wrote more than 75 books with titles like “How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything,” “How to Keep People from Pushing Your Buttons” and “How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable.”

Dr. Ellis’s advice reminds me of the importance of staying sane in our daily lives by dealing with the internal dictator that tries to tell us all sorts of ridiculous things. For example, some of us walk around all day with internal thoughts such as “I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to do that. I should have said this to that person. I need to be more like that. I ought to be more organized. I should be more attractive, intelligent, witty, popular and personable. I ought to be more assertive. I need to be less aggressive. I’ve got to speak up more. I really need to keep my mouth shut.” Some of us “should” on ourselves all day long!

This mind chatter makes us crazy. And if that’s the state of mind we harbor most of the day, we tend to project that same state onto others. It often takes the form of judgment and blame: “He should do this. He should do that. They ought to know better. They should treat us more fairly. She should be more sensitive. She ought to be more personable,” etc., etc.

This week, try to give yourself a break from thoughts and attitudes that lead you to continually judge and blame yourself and others. Ellis wrote, “Not all emotional disturbance stems from arrogant thinking, but most of it does. And when you demand that you must not have failings, you can also demand that you must not be neurotic…and this only makes you nuttier! Neurosis still comes mainly from you… . And you can choose to stop your nonsense and to stubbornly refuse to make yourself crazy about anything.”

Often the simple practice of trying to think of how we can serve others, either at home or at work, will take us out of the subject of “I am the center of the universe” and expand our thinking.

Continually thinking about myself provokes my arrogance. When I spend more time thinking about the well-being of others rather than entertaining thoughts about myself, I am a lot happier, and life is much more rewarding and interesting.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

Note: I’ll be on vacation next week, so there won’t be a challenge for the week of 3/9/09.

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Follow Your Bliss

Good day, team,

I’m reading a wonderful book, “The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship,” by David Whyte. Here’s a quote that best describes what the book is about.

“We have the remarkable ability as human beings to fall in love with a person, a work, or even, at times, an idea of ourselves.” He asserts that our current understanding of work-life balance is too simplistic. The ways in which we think about our work, relationships and inner selves seem to frustrate and exhaust us. Whyte argues that it’s impossible to sacrifice any one of these aspects of our lives without causing deep psychological damage and invites us to examine each marriage with a fierce but affectionate eye. He explores these three parts of our lives with profound observations and conclusions that I’m finding eye-opening and provocative.

The conclusion Whyte comes to in Chapter 6, “Opening a Tidal Gate: The Pursuit of Work Through Difficulty, Doubt and Distraction,” is at the heart of this week’s challenge. He writes, “In building a work life, people who follow rules, written or unwritten, too closely and in an unimaginative way are often suffocated by those same rules and die by them, quite often unnoticed and very often unmourned.”

This conclusion spoke loudly to me as a coach. Many clients have come to me for guidance in finding a life, as though they’ve lost the life they had; they tell me they can’t remember the last time they felt any joy in their lives or that they’re feeling a depression so deep they seem to be completely lifeless.

One man has asked me to share his story in hopes of helping others. When I began working with him, he was no longer able to get out of his recliner. That is, he had reached a point in his life where all he did was go to work and then come home and return to his recliner in front of the television. His wife served him his dinner there, and he slept in it all night. He was beginning to worry that he might wake up one morning and not be able to convince himself to go to work, that he might stay in his recliner 24 hours a day and one day not be able to get out of it at all.

When I asked him questions about his work, he would often say, “Well, I just fly under the radar. No one really notices me, and I just go about my business and always follow the rules. I don’t make waves, and people just leave me alone.” And when I asked him what made him happy, he couldn’t remember.

This experience is not as unusual as you might think. By living our lives without any real desire, the fire within us dims and, eventually, can go out. If we’re always following the rules and not allowing our imagination to challenge the status quo, we disengage and our lives become stale.

It took my client awhile to remember when he had last felt genuine joy and happiness. These memories had become locked up and hidden under layers of always being responsible and reliable, always doing the right thing. As we worked together, he began to remember the joy he experienced when he went fishing as a young boy. When he spoke about those days, tears formed in his eyes and a smile spread across his face. I could see his desire begin to reawaken his heart.

My client began to use his vacation days to go fishing. At first, he went by himself, but after awhile he began to invite friends and colleagues. After awhile, he brought pictures of the fish he caught to put in his cubicle at work. His wife started learning about fish preparation and wines that go best with certain fish dishes. He even made up a sign at work that read “Gone fishing” when he needed quiet, concentrated time in his cubicle and didn’t want to be disturbed. His colleagues laughed at his quirkiness, but they were happy to see him re-engaged and no longer depressed. My client began to connect his work, his relationship and his inner self around his love of fishing, and it reignited his joy in life.

Today, he is semi-retired. In the summer, he works at a children’s camp where he teaches the kids to fish. During the rest of the year, he writes articles for fishing magazines when he’s not out fishing himself.

Your challenge this week? Don’t be afraid to build a work life that includes those things that keep your inner fire alive. Maybe you haven’t spoken your mind lately and feel the need to disagree and have your views heard. Experiencing a moment of your own courage can light your fire in an instant. Perhaps you love flowers: Make sure you have them on your desk where you can see them each day. How about challenging yourself to use your creative imagination to improve a project you’re working on, or suggesting to your team members that you all try taking a different approach to solving a problem? How about allowing yourself to fail or to be wrong just for the sake of experimentation? If necessary, spend some contemplative time figuring out what used to make you really happy and try incorporating that into your daily schedule.

As a child, I used to spend many hours in the basement dancing to all kinds of music. I made up steps and tried them out. Sometimes I would just turn circles; other times I would pretend I had a handsome dance partner who whisked me across the floor. Now when I’m feeling depressed, I plug in my i-Pod headphones and dance a few steps to lighten my load. It always works, and even if people see me, they don’t seem to mind.

“Follow your bliss,” counseled Joseph Campbell. And I say, once you know what it is, find a way to live it.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.