Category: Life Lessons

Poem About Aging

Good day, team.
The challenge this week is short and bittersweet due to the death of my mother in law. Jean White was a modern woman who lived her 93 years with grit and humor. She leaves a legacy of many years of community service, a successful career in the insurance industry, and a healthy family with lots of grand and great grandchildren. In her memory, I am posting this poem my husband wrote as a result of her passing.

Poem on Aging

The vanguard is down

Arthur Lloyd, reckless father

Jean Vivian, valiant mother

Both gone

I am drafted, trained poorly

And sent to the front

Suddenly in change and clueless

In a fight that cannot be won

Purple scars cover recent wounds

With more to come surely

before the final blow

Perhaps now its just a matter

of earning style points

~David White

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Dangers of Certainty

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about certainty. A close friend of mine sent me a recent New York Times article ― “The Dangers of Certainty: A Lesson From Auschwitz” by Simon Critchley. The article profiles Dr. Jacob Bronowski, a Polish-born British mathematician who wrote a number of highly regarded books on science and poetry. He also narrated a series of 12 essays that were televised as “The Ascent of Man.” The 11th essay was title “Knowledge and Certainty.” Here are some of Dr. Bronowski’s thoughts on the subject, as excerpted from the Times article:

“There is no God’s eye view, Dr. Bronowski insisted, and the people who claim that there is and that they possess it are not just wrong, they are morally pernicious. Errors are inextricably bound up with pursuit of human knowledge, which requires not just mathematical calculation but insight, interpretation and a personal act of judgment for which we are responsible. The emphasis on the moral responsibility of knowledge was essential for all of Dr. Bronowski’s work. The acquisition of knowledge entails a responsibility for the integrity of what we are as ethical creatures.

“Dr. Bronowski thought that the uncertainty principle should therefore be called the ‘principle of tolerance.’ Pursuing knowledge means accepting uncertainty. Heisenberg’s principle has the consequence that no physical events can ultimately be described with absolute certainty or with ‘zero tolerance,’ as it were. The more we know, the less certain we are.

“In the everyday world, we do not just accept a lack of ultimate exactitude with a melancholic shrug, but we constantly employ such inexactitude in our relations with other people. Our relations with others also require a principle of tolerance. We encounter other people across a gray area of negotiation and approximation. Such is the business of listening and the back and forth of conversation and social interaction.”

As I read this, I thought about the importance of questioning our own assumptions about others, being willing to test these assumptions and let them go if they appear no longer true or applicable. This state of mind and heart is challenging when we want to help someone improve themselves. We always have a vision of how we think the person should behave. To make that picture a reality, we steer him or her in that direction. More than a few times, however, I’ve been pleasantly surprised when a client of mine finds a different way to improve. These clients generally start to “take off” with enthusiastic glee as they begin to see more positive outcomes in their relationships with others. If I try to hold them to my picture, their enthusiasm turns into resentment at my attempts to control them.

In coaching, it’s critical not to judge others based on our own standards of behavior or certainty. You may be investing time, energy and money into helping someone improve, but being patient and tolerant while they’re going through the process will enable the new person to emerge. Part of your job is to supply encouragement and to give them room to make the changes they want to make. If you hold too tightly to your idea of what those changes should look like ― or even what the process for making them should be ― you may not recognize when the other person actually changes.

“For Dr. Bronowski, the moral consequence of knowledge is that we must never judge others on the basis of some absolute, God-like conception of certainty. All knowledge, all information that passes between human beings, can be exchanged only within what we might call ‘a play of tolerance,’ whether in science, literature, politics or religion. As he eloquently put it, ‘Human knowledge is personal and responsible, an unending adventure at the edge of uncertainty.’”

These thoughts are quite personal for Dr. Bronowski because many of his family members were killed at Auschwitz.* He makes the point that at the heart of fascism is that terrible certainty that leads one to despicable acts against other human beings.

“The play of tolerance opposes the principle of monstrous certainty that is endemic to fascism and, sadly, not just fascism but all the various faces of fundamentalism. When we think we have certainty, when we aspire to the knowledge of the gods, then Auschwitz can happen and can repeat itself. Arguably, it has repeated itself in the genocidal certainties of past decades.”

This week, take a look at the ideas, feelings and opinions that you feel certain about. How do these certainties apply to your relationships? Perhaps you have a friend who has drastically different religious beliefs and you’re convinced they are completely wrong. What about your co-worker who wants to take a very different approach to solving the problem you’re both working on? Are you a manager trying to convince your team members to change their behaviors to suit a picture of how you think they should be? How often do your family members irritate you because they’re not doing what you want them to do? How certain are you that you’re right and they’re wrong?

Dr. Bronowski was a scientist, and he believed that inherent in all good science was the idea that nothing is certain. He wrote, “One aim of the physical sciences has been to give an actual picture of the material world. One achievement of physics in the 20th century has been to show that such an aim is unattainable.”
Critchley writes, “For Dr. Bronowski, there was no absolute knowledge and anyone who claims it ― whether a scientist, a politician or a religious believer ― opens the door to tragedy. All scientific information is imperfect, and we have to treat it with humility. Such, for him, was the human condition.”

As you observe your certainties this next week, consider that you might be wrong. Your observations of others are through a lens of thoughts and opinions that are only one view. Instead, use your creative imagination and a broader humility to open up to others and see their fallibility’s as well as their successes. Ultimately, we’ll have a greater appreciation for all human beings, including ourselves.

Have a good week!
Kathleen
* Here is an excerpt from the 11th episode in the documentary Ascent of Man, “Knowledge and Certainty,” narrated by Dr. Jacob Bronowski: http://youtube/p5Umbn6ZBuE

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Getting Enough Sleep

Good day, team.
This week’s challenge was inspired by “Get Some Sleep and Wake Up the GDP,” an article in The New York Times by Sendhil Mullainathan, a professor of economics at Harvard. It’s about the importance of getting enough sleep, and I’m taking the liberty of reprinting it in total because after reading it, I realized I couldn’t leave anything out. Your challenge this week? Make sure you get enough sleep.
“January is always a good month for behavioral economics: Few things illustrate self-control as vividly as New Year’s resolutions. February is even better, though, because it lets us study why so many of those resolutions are broken.
“But a more important question may involve a resolution that so many of us fail to make. It involves a commodity that nearly everybody needs more of, and our failure to address it arguably has as much impact on our well-being as inadequate exercise and unhealthy eating.
“The problem is very simple: Many of us need more sleep.
“Here’s an alarming statistic: A survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that one in 25 people admitted to having fallen asleep while driving during the previous month. To put that in perspective, mathematical models based on this data imply that an estimated 15 to 33 percent of all fatal crashes in the United States might involve a drowsy driver. But even that may be an underestimate, as some people who fall asleep at the wheel may be sheepish about acknowledging as much in a survey.
“What does sleep have to do with economics? Doesn’t it sit squarely in the realm of physiology?
“First, the economic consequences of inadequate sleep are surely huge. There may be more sleepy workers than drivers. In one month in 2008, a poll showed that 29 percent of workers had fallen asleep or had been very sleepy at work. The effects can add up: one study in Australia calculated the cost of sleeplessness at 0.8 percent of the country’s gross domestic product.
“Yet even that number, which emphasizes the physical and medical consequences of inadequate sleep, omits the biggest potential impact on the GDP. Most of today’s workers rely on their mental and social skills. And if those workers don’t get enough sleep, their lethargy, crankiness and poor decision-making will hurt the economy in assorted and significant ways.
“For example, one study has shown that ‘cyberloafing’ — wasting time on the Web — increases on the day after the start of daylight saving time, when people are short an hour of sleep. Other research shows how cognitive performance deteriorates when sleep is inadequate: We have less capacity to remember, to learn or to be creative, and we become less optimistic and less sociable. And these consequences aren’t reserved for extreme sleep loss: Studies show that two weeks of sleeping only six hours a night can have the same impact as one or two nights of total sleep deprivation.
“There is an odd divide here. Ask why one person had an unproductive day at work, and lack of sleep often seems an obvious answer. But ask why national productivity has fallen, and reduced sleep can appear to be a frivolous answer. Yet what is total output but the sum of all individuals’ work?
“Sleep deserves serious study by behavioral economists for another important reason. Some struggle with medical issues — like insomnia — that make sleep hard. But for many of us, the quantity and quality of sleep come down to a matter of choice. Still, only a few enterprising economists have looked closely at this, and generally those have assumed that we choose our hours of sleep optimally. The idea is that we thoughtfully trade the use of an hour of sleep for an hour spent doing something else. But it is worth questioning the assumption that these are rational and optimal choices. Judge for yourself. Was watching that extra episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ last night worth the sluggishness you’re feeling right now?
“We also need to ask another question: Why do we neglect our sleep? It’s not as if the ill effects of fatigue are a surprise. If for no reason other than self-interest, we are vigilant about our children’s sleep, so it’s hard to understand why we are so cavalier about our own. This puzzle is even more pointed because the benefits of sleep are immediate. Eat better or work out more, and you’ll see the benefits weeks, months or years down the road. Sleep more, and you’ll see the benefits tomorrow.
“The research on this question is sparse, so we must speculate.
“Part of the problem may stem from a misunderstanding of physiology. We may overestimate our ability to overcome the effects of sleep deprivation. Have you ever told yourself, ‘I’ll be tired, but I’ll just tough it out’? It’s easy to think that willpower will make us alert. Or we may believe that caffeine compensates for lost sleep. While it can make us more alert, as shown in a study on Navy SEALs, it does not restore all mental function. And it makes sleeping well even harder.
“The problem is aggravated by a common belief that lost sleep can be made up for, that we can manage our ‘sleep debt.’ But why should we be any better with this debt than we are with money? When the time comes for a payback, there always seems to be something more appealing for our money or time.
“Whatever the reasons, the problem appears to be spreading. One careful study found that the number of ‘short sleepers’ — those who got fewer than six hours of sleep a night — rose 22 percent from 1975 to 2006, a trend that was most pronounced and significant among full-time workers.
“Technology is an obvious culprit here. Web searching and cellphone use both flourish in the wee hours. Before the dawn of the Web, I would stay up watching television. But there is something soporific about television: I would often nod off. Not so when I’m online. As technologies expand, these problems may only worsen.
“We can do something about this in our own lives. It’s not too late to add a resolution for this still-young year: to partake more in what Shakespeare called the ‘chief nourisher in life’s feast.’ A good night’s sleep has immediate effects on our productivity, and, best of all, it can even help us keep our other resolutions.”

Have a good week!
Kathleen

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Managing Perceptions

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about managing people’s perceptions. The following blog post by Robert Curtiss, actor and psychotherapist, is from www.backstage.com. It got me thinking about how people perceive one another.

“How What You Do Affects How You’re Perceived

“Behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his own image.” — Chinese fortune cookie

“I recently read the saying above on the ‘fortune’ in my fortune cookie, and it reminded me of other similar sayings, such as ‘Actions speak louder than words’ and ‘You are what you do.’ All of these sayings boil down to the same simple truth: We show the world what kind of people we are by what we do. Literally. How we treat others, how we look, how we manage our time are some ways, to list a few. Our behavior gives powerful nonverbal messages to others that tell them what to think about us. After all, they may say, ‘Never judge a book by its cover,’ but we all make assessments and judgments based on the available evidence before us. Knowing this can help us shape how others perceive us.

“Our attire and our personal hygiene send strong messages. People may not consciously note that you look clean and neat, but they definitely notice when you are sloppy or otherwise not well-groomed.

“How we manage our time sends a powerful message too. When we are on time, we are showing others that we are ready and eager for our appointment. Whereas when we are late, we may give the impression that we do not value other people’s time, and we are not responsible. This may not be true, but it leaves a lasting impression.

“When we are kind to others and offer them care and concern, our actions reflect kindly upon ourselves, and when we speak about others behind their backs, it says to others that we probably talk about them behind their backs as well.

“How do you perceive yourself, and how do you want to be perceived by the world? Think about that. Think of ways to behave that promote that perception in yourself and in others.”

This subject comes up frequently in my coaching sessions. People often feel judged unfairly by their co-workers. They hear comments that they’re convinced are off base, or they know that others are forming opinions about them that aren’t true. For example, one of my clients was told by his boss recently that he had to let one of his team members go because of poor performance. My client was aware that his team member needed to improve and was working with him to do this. But too much time had gone by, and the manager decided it was time for that person to leave the company.

When it came time to terminate the team member, my client told him why he needed to leave. The team member took the news professionally and gracefully left the company. But the rest of the team was unhappy that their teammate was asked to leave. They were incredibly angry with my client for terminating him, assumed the termination was his sole decision and accused him of unfairly treating their teammate.

As my client said to me, “I could have easily told everyone that my boss made me do this, but it’s my responsibility to manage this team effectively, and it didn’t seem right to hand the blame off to someone else. However, now I have a much bigger problem. The team doesn’t trust me, and I’m being perceived as a tyrant rather than a fair boss.”

This is a classic case of misperception. What people see is a reflection of their understanding. When we only see something from a limited viewpoint, we draw conclusions that are not true. My client will have to be consistent in treating his team members fairly to increase their understanding of who he is and how he works if he wants to change their current perceptions of him.

Ironically, it’s not my client who suffers the most in this scenario. He’s really not a tyrant, and so whatever perceptions others have of him in this vein, he’s not bound by. It’s the team members who have created these negative perceptions that suffer the most in their inability to see who he really is.

As William Blake, the great poet and engraver wrote, “If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.”

This week, ask yourself if your perceptions of others are accurate. Are you basing your opinions on real facts and direct observations of each person’s actions? Maybe, like in the case of my client, someone is not really responsible for a decision but is actually acting on someone else’s instructions and doing the best they can. Are you only focusing on someone’s weaknesses and not their strengths? Or are you so opinionated about something that you can’t see someone else’s point of view? Does this make you right and the other person wrong? Is a situation actually someone else’s fault or are there many more things to consider?

Try opening up your doors of perception. You’ll see that many possibilities exist beyond the ones that come immediately to mind. If you can remember what it’s like to be judged unfairly, you may be able to look at others with a more open mind. You may just find that when you take another look at the person, things look differently.

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” — Wayne Dyer

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Respond vs. React

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about learning to respond rather than react. Here’s how I see the difference: When we respond to a situation, there is an element of thought behind the process. We take some time to think about what we want to say or do beforehand. When we react, we simply act from whatever thought or emotion is predominant without much awareness or consideration.

I put my foot in my mouth. We all know that phrase; it’s when we say something that we wish we hadn’t. It usually happens when we simply react and blurt out a comment that we haven’t put much thought into. This often happens when we have a negative reaction to something ― for example, when we feel defensive. When someone provokes me, I tend to react strongly, and the words that come out of my mouth can be combative.

In contrast, if we take a bit of time to think about what we really want to communicate, we might get a better result. Our thinking time might only be three seconds, but those seconds can mean the difference between saying something you regret and communicating something that leads to a much better discussion. The trick here is in the timing. Our emotional reactions are incredibly quick, and our rational thinking often takes a few moments to catch up.

So how do we develop an internal pause button that allows us to take a breath and think about how we want to respond? Here are some suggestions for finding the space needed to think before we speak:

 Recognize the stimulus. What’s triggering your reaction? Through self-awareness, we can see what makes our heart rate rise, what makes our breathing become shallow, what makes our thoughts immediately turn negative. Most people get defensive about the same things again and again. After repeated observations, you can learn to predict when you’re going to react negatively to something someone else does or says. Recognizing these triggers is key to learning to respond reasonably in the moment rather than reacting.
 Who is reacting? After many years of observing my thoughts, I can recognize the aspects of myself that react to various situations. For example, one part of me always reacts the same way when I feel judged, pushing me to quickly voice justification for my actions. The sad part is, I may think someone is judging me when they’re actually not. Then my defensive reaction makes no sense. If I can recognize my defensive feelings when they arise, I have an opportunity to pause and find another way to respond that isn’t so defensive.
 Be present and press pause. If we can be present in the moment when a stimulus provokes us, we have a much better chance of pausing before we react. One way to be more present is to put your awareness in some part of your body – I usually try to feel my feet. This awareness grounds me and allows me to see what’s happening with others as well as within myself. It gives me that small moment when I can pause, breathe and find a place of neutrality from which to respond.
 Speak from mindfulness. Speaking from a more thoughtful place creates a world of difference. How often do you wish that you’d thought something through before you commented on it? Waking up at 2 a.m. with regrets about the things you said the day before is not fun. Lying awake for the next three hours rehearsing what you should have said is even worse. Try allowing your brain to influence your thoughts so that what comes out of your mouth has a better outcome.
 Timing is everything. My father always used to say, “Think before you speak.” What he didn’t say was how to do that. In our everyday interactions, words travel swiftly between us, and we often don’t think about what’s being said. Taking the time to pause and ponder never harms any conversation. We can always stop for a moment ― no one is timing us ― to bring awareness to our thoughts and feelings before we actually speak.

This week, try experimenting with some of these suggestions in your dealings with others. Can you give yourself permission to pause? What do you experience when someone pushes your buttons? How many voices do you see within yourself and which ones serve you rather than degrade you? What’s the most useful thing you can say in the moment that will add value to the conversation rather than take away from it?

Just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it. Thoughts arise like fireflies on a summer night. They seem to come out of nowhere, flit and flicker for a few moments, and then disappear. These creatures can be quite compelling ― just like our thoughts ― but that doesn’t mean that one firefly is better than another. It requires a mindful presence to see which thoughts are worth expressing and which ones you can allow to fly away.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Goals for the New Year

Good day, team.

It’s a new year, which is a great time to think about what changes we might like to make in our behavior. The first word that comes to my mind is “patience.”

I’m not very patient. When I begin a project, whether it’s something as simple as folding sweaters in my closet or something more complex like helping a team improve their interactions with one another, I jump in with a gleeful enthusiasm and quickly find myself wanting to be done. I am results-oriented, and the desire to get something done compels me like an impatient horse at the starting gate, snorting and straining against the bit to get down the track as quickly as possible so I can get over the finish line. It’s not about winning; it’s about getting the thing done.

This impatient approach works extremely well when on a hot deadline. Need to put out a fire? I’m your girl. But when it comes to being highly deliberative, focused on quality, analytical and well-paced, I struggle.

So here’s my challenge. I’m in the business of listening and talking with people all day, and nothing makes me happier than to be present with another person. At the same time, my impatience nags at me. In the back of my mind, I’m often thinking, “Come on, come on ― let’s get to the bottom of this so we can solve the problem and move on.” This nagging impatience threatens to barge into my peaceful, thoughtful, open-hearted presence, and take over.

So how can I temper my enthusiasm for completion so that my energy can serve me appropriately? I love to get started, but sometimes I have a hard time going the distance. This doesn’t mean I’m not loyal ― I’ve had many of the same clients for years and have gone many distances with them. But on a case-by-case basis, I find that extending a bit of patience could mean the difference between staying in the moment with someone versus moving on to the next idea, opportunity or line of thinking. We all know how irritating it is to be talking with someone only to realize that they’ve stopped listening. Sometimes they interrupt you, and other times it’s obvious that they’ve started thinking about something else. Sometimes they move onto their next thought and leave you behind. It’s pretty disrespectful to stop paying attention in the middle of a conversation. And I admit, I’m guilty of this some of the time.

Moreover, I realize that at the heart of it, life has it’s own timing, and I’m not in control. But I’m impatient to take over and push, to drive circumstances to a successful end.

I experience this most acutely as I watch my 93-year-old mother-in-law dying. She has been in hospice now for a number of months. On many occasions, we didn’t think she’d make it to the end of the week, and other times we’ve been surprised by her sound mental and physical abilities. As I sat with her the other day, holding her hand and watching her move in and out of a disturbed sleep, I realized that we don’t control death. It comes when it comes and that’s it. I know at times she has been impatient for all of the pain and suffering to end. But she’s had just as many days when she thought she might get better and was anxious to be able to get out of bed to do the simplest of things. No matter what her thoughts and no matter how impatient she may be to let go or hang on, it doesn’t really make any difference. She has to take each moment as it comes and accept, surrender and just be where she is.

What if down the road my own impatience decides it’s time to go, but death has not yet arrived? Or what if I become impatient with death and decide to fight it off? I believe we can be just as impatient to live as we can be to die. Ultimately, I’d prefer to peacefully accept my own death when it comes and not experience impatience with my circumstances and mortality.

So my challenge is to be more patient, to allow things to be what they are and try not to force them.
I’m going to start practicing today.

What is your challenge for 2014? What area of your life, your psychology, your behavior, your methodology do you want to improve on, change or just make better?

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Words of Wisdom

Good day, team.

This last challenge for 2013 is about finding grace and wisdom in the most unlikely places.

On a trip to California this week to visit a client, I found myself in a taxi at 4:45 in the morning en route to the airport. My taxi driver arrived right on time and greeted me with a broad smile as he took my bag and placed it in the trunk of the car.

Soon after leaving my home, we began to talk. Hearing his accent, I asked him where he was from. “Ethiopia,” he replied with a deep bass resonance in his voice. “Ahhh,” I replied. “I had a client once who is American but grew up there as the daughter of missionaries. She spoke very highly of your country and enjoyed her years there growing up.” And so our conversation continued about Ethiopia, his experience growing up there, the differences between his birthplace and America, etc.

We began to talk about the things that were most important to us as we were growing up. He spoke about always working at school and living in his small village with his family. He didn’t have much time for play as a kid and really didn’t have much time to enjoy the better parts of his culture. Ironically, now that he lives in the U.S., he makes an effort to meet with other Ethiopians to enjoy what bits of their native culture they can recreate here.

He talked about the differences between America and Ethiopia. As he put it, “Here, we all have food, a roof over our heads, a TV, a car, etc. It’s convenient. There, we had each other, and although it was primitive, there was much more connection between people. I took it for granted growing up. But not here. Here, I have to make time for the emotional connections I make with others.” I commented that I understood what he meant. I told him I had taken a year off to live in Italy when I was in my 30s, and that after being there a year, I observed that the Italians had created a daily routine that included about four to six events that allowed them to connect emotionally with each other ― early morning espresso at the coffee bar, midmorning cappuccino break, long lunches, drinks before dinner in the local square and dinner. We agreed that some cultures have foregone quality emotional interactions for efficiency.

As we pulled up to the curb at the airport, my driver turned to me with his bright eyes and big smile. “You know,” he said, “all people have that special something in them, that thing that’s so hard to describe but is always there. I call it love, and of all the things we have in this world, it’s the most precious. To have a good life, we have to share it.”

I smiled back at my Ethiopian messenger. He reminded me of something I read in the Bible as a child: “You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” Luke 12:40.

This week, listen to the messages of grace, love and wisdom that come to you, often from the least likely places. Maybe it’s your child whose words remind you of what’s most important in your life. Perhaps it’s the produce guy at the grocery store who comments about vegetables in a way that reminds you how connected we are to the earth. Or maybe it’s a team member whose humorous remark in a moment, reveals something true about you.
These words of wisdom can come from anyone. Whatever the message, see them as gifts that come to you along the way.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us, “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.”

Have a great holiday!

Kathleen

NOTE: The next coach’s challenge will be published Jan. 12, 2014.

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

How Changing the Story Liberates Us

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about how our memories and stories about people and events stay locked in our minds and how we use them to justify current actions and to judge others. I recently read “The Sense of An Ending” by Julian Barnes. Briefly, it is a story about a man’s memories of a relationship he had with a woman early on in his life and how those memories become challenged when they are reintroduced many years later. The man realizes that the stories he’s told himself about her and the circle of friends and family they had around them at the time are grossly inaccurate.

The aspect of the book that stands out for me is how our memories of events stay locked away in our minds until we bring the stories back up to justify our current attitudes or actions ― and how difficult it is to change those stories, even when we realize they’re not true and that they do harm.

Here’s an example of how I’ve seen this play out in the work place:

Jim and Brian began working together on the same team three years ago. They both had strong and very different opinions about what direction the business should take over the next 12 months. They were passionate about their perspectives and tried influencing the rest of the management team to see their points of view. This pitted them against one another, and they both created strong negative attitudes toward each other.

This was difficult for the rest of the team. Most people could see pluses and minuses to each of their strategies for growing the business, but because Jim and Brian often fought against each other, team members tended to shy away from siding with one or the other. They became paralyzed whenever Jim and Brian were in the room. They just wanted them to stop fighting and to get along so the team could move forward.

Time went on, and it became apparent whose strategy was best for growing the business. But because Jim and Brian were caught in their memories of what happened three years prior when they were so opposed to each other, they had difficulty changing how they saw and felt about each other.

At some point, however, Jim and Brian began to see that the business was succeeding. This allowed them to change their relationship to one another. Jim’s strategy happened to be the better one, but he didn’t boast about it or say to Brian, “I told you so!” He just continued to try building the business. Brian, on the other hand, could have easily resented Jim as he saw Jim’s strategy succeeding, but he was smart enough to change his opinions and began supporting Jim, knowing they would all win in the end.

Overall, the biggest takeaway for me was seeing that both Jim and Brian had to change their views of each other. They had to stop telling themselves the same story they had created about the other. They had to forgive and forget and be pragmatic enough to know that, in the end, the business would succeed, and they would be liberated from their old stories. They could begin to accept each other in the present and appreciate what talents and strengths they both brought to the team.

In “The Sense of an Ending,” Barnes refers to this phenomenon this way:

“For years you survive with the same loops, the same facts and the same emotions. I press a button marked [the persons name], the tape runs, the usual stuff spools out. The events reconfirm the emotions ― resentment, a sense of injustice, relief ― and vice versa. There seems no way of accessing anything else; the case is closed ― which is why you seek corroboration, even if it turns out to be contradiction. But what if, even at a late stage, your emotions relating to those long-ago events and people change?”

For me, the lesson here is about changing our relationship to things when our opinions or beliefs no longer serve us or anyone else. It’s easy for us to create an opinion or belief about someone and then lock it away in our minds and hearts. It’s much more challenging to question those beliefs by asking ourselves if they are still true. Has the other person changed? Does he or she always do this to me? Is he or she always like that? Have I changed since I created that initial opinion? Have circumstances changed since I initially created that story?

These are all important questions that we can continue to ask ourselves about our held-fast beliefs about others.

This week, try seeing people for who they have become. Question your opinions about them, and ask yourself if your negative emotions and thoughts about them are still justified. Try stopping the old story loop that replays itself in your head. Interrupt those thoughts by asking, “Is this still true? What purpose do my negative thoughts serve?” You can change the story by observing what is true now and being open-minded and open-hearted enough to accept what is now true about the other person.”

Reading about Nelson Mandelas death this week reminded me of what true liberation is all about. It’s about being free in our hearts and minds from the negativity and resentment that imprison us. After he was set free from prison, Mandela embraced his captors and in some cases even hired them to work in his newly formed government. While others were angered and confused by his magnanimous gestures toward his enemies, he prevailed in his attempts to forgive and forget. And by so doing, he became one of the greatest leaders and heroes of our time.

As he so eloquently said, “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Tips from Mark Twain

Good day, team.

I’ve been fighting a cold all week, so I find myself in a foggy state of mind this morning — not a good place to be when trying to write a Coach’s Challenge. Fortunately, my sister Sally Black, sent me some wonderful words of wisdom from the celebrated writer Mark Twain this week. The following blog post, “Mark Twain’s Top 9 Tips for Living a Kick-Ass Life,” comes from This Page Is About Words, a website offering insights using words and ideas to enrich our minds and vocabularies. The tip that stands out for me is “Don’t focus so much on making yourself feel good” — an idea well worth exploring during this holiday season of giving. I hope you enjoy these slightly edited tips for your challenge this week.

1. Approve of yourself.

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

If you don’t approve of yourself, your behavior and your actions, you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself, you will relax and gain the inner freedom to do more of what you really want.

Lack of self-approval can be a big obstacle in personal growth. You might have all the right tools to grow in a certain direction, but you may feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.

What you may be bumping into are success barriers. We often put up barriers in our own minds of what we think we do and don’t deserve. These barriers that put limits on what we are capable of. They might tell us that we aren’t really the kind of person who could do this thing that we’re attempting.

Similarly, without self-approval, you may start to self-sabotage when you actually make headway in the direction you want to go — just to keep yourself in a place that is familiar.

Approve of yourself, and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Don’t look for approval from others. Dissolve those inner barriers and let go of any self-sabotaging tendency. But know that this is no easy task, and it can take time.

2. Your limitations may just be in your mind.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may, for instance, think people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding. But these things mostly matter when you think they matter — when you become self-conscious and worried about what others think.

However, people will pick up on your self-consciousness and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret the things they do as negative because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused inward on yourself.

If you, on the other hand, let go of things, then other people will tend not to mind so much either. And if you don’t mind, then you won’t create self-imposed roadblocks in your life.

It is seldom too late to do what you want to do.

3. Lighten up, and have some fun.

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”
“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

Humor and laughter are amazing tools. They can turn any serious situation into something to laugh about. They can lighten the mood just about anywhere.

A lighter mood creates a better space to work in because your body and mind aren’t filled to the brim with negative emotions. When you are more lighthearted and relaxed, solutions to problems are often easier to come up with and implement.

4. Let go of anger.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Most of the time, anger is pretty pointless. It can cause situations to get out of hand and is often more hurtful to the person who is angry than the person he or she is angry with.

Especially when you hold on to anger for days, you are likely just hurting yourself. The other person may not even be aware that you are angry. Talk to the person to resolve your conflict or let go of anger as quickly as possible to make your life more pleasurable.

5. Release yourself from entitlement.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

When some people are young, they may be given a lot of things. As they grow older, they may develop a sense of entitlement. They feel like the world should just give them what they want or that it owes them something.

This belief can cause a lot of anger and frustration in life. The world may not give you everything you expect. This can be liberating, however, once you realize that it is up to you to shape your own life and work toward what you want. You are not a kid anymore, waiting for your parents to give you something. You are in the driver’s seat now. And you can go pretty much wherever you want.

6. If you’re taking a different path, prepare for reactions.

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

I think this has quite a bit of relevance to self-improvement.

If you start to change or do something different than you usually do, people may react in different ways. Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways.

These reactions are probably not so much about you but about the people doing the reacting. How they feel about themselves comes through in the words they use and judgments they make.

Most people are not likely to react as negatively as you imagine. Even if they do, they will probably go back to focusing on their own challenges fairly quickly.
Your worries about what other people say and think are probably just fantasy, but these thoughts create barriers in your mind that hold you back.

You may find that when you finally cross that inner threshold you created to hold yourself back that people around you may actually not shun you. They might just say, “OK.”

7. Focus steadily on what you want.

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles … by the ears, by the heels or any other way you can manage it.”

What you focus your mind on greatly determines how things play out. You can focus on your problems and dwell in suffering to create a victim mentality. Or you can focus on the positive in every situation, determining what you can learn from that situation. Another approach is to simply focus your mind on something entirely else.

It may be “normal” to process your problems and spend time swimming around in a sea of negativity. But that is a choice as well as a habit. You may reflexively start to dwell on problems instead of focusing your mind on something more useful. But you also can build a habit of taking more control over where you focus your mind.

8. Don’t focus so much on making yourself feel good.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

This tip may be a bit counter-intuitive, but one of the best ways to feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel good or to help someone in some way.

Helping others creates an upward spiral of positivity and an exchange of value between people. You help someone, and both of you feel good. The person you helped feels inclined to give you a hand later on because most people tend to want to reciprocate.

Positive feelings are contagious, so you may end up making even more people feel good too. And the help you receive from your friend may inspire you to help another friend. And so the upward spiral grows and continues.

9. Do what you want to do.

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Awesome quote. And I really don’t have much to add to that one. Well, maybe just a suggestion to write it down and keep it as a daily reminder on your fridge or bathroom door of what you can actually do with your life.

Have a good week!

Kathleen
© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Importance of Human Connection

Good day, team.

A few years ago, I wrote a coach’s challenge about a young girl named Bailey who I sat next to on an airplane flight. She taught me something fundamental about communication and emotional presence that I think is always worth sharing. I re-publish this challenge each year during the holidays in dedication to her. Here it is:

I had an experience recently that seemed an appropriate topic for this week since we are officially now in the holiday season.

While flying back to Portland, I sat next to a 10-year-old girl named Bailey. When I first saw her, she seemed just like any other little girl, but as I sat down next to her, the flight attendant informed me that Bailey was a “challenged child” (an odd term) in that she could not speak. However, the flight attendant went on to say that Bailey would understand everything I said to her and could communicate with movement and expressions.

This news made me immediately uncomfortable. As I buckled my seatbelt and settled into my seat, I realized how awkward and confused I felt. Should I speak to her or not? What kind of response would I get from someone who couldn’t speak? Did she even want me to interact with her? It was as if this little girl were made of fine porcelain and if I didn’t treat her very carefully, she might break.

Fortunately, Bailey immediately put me at ease with her beautiful smile and sparkling blue eyes. When I said hello to her, she smiled and waved hello. The plane took off, and I began to read a magazine. The many Christmas advertisements featured pictures of snowflakes, stars, icicles, presents, etc.

Each time that I turned a page and a picture of a star appeared, Bailey pointed to the star and looked at me and smiled. I would then say, “Yes, that’s a star.” Before long, I noticed that I was actually looking for more pictures of stars so we could communicate with each other.

Coincidentally, there was a boy sitting behind us about the same age as Bailey. I realized before long that he talked pretty much continuously, first about the X-Box he wanted for Christmas, then about his friend’s new cell phone, then about school, then about his Dad, and so on and so on.

After awhile, I realized I had toned him out. I may have been open to hearing what he had to say in the beginning, but after so many words, I was no longer interested. And yet, every movement and expression of the little girl sitting next to me, who couldn’t speak a word, kept me keenly interested in what she was communicating.

This experience made me think about our basic need to connect with each other as human beings, and the importance of allowing our emotional beings to reach out to each other in any way possible. When we take up all the space by talking about ourselves and don’t allow the other person to respond, the connection is lost, and the speaker becomes a nuisance rather than someone we want to know.

Bailey taught me something fundamental about our true nature as human beings. Wordlessly, her communication came through loud and clear. Her loving nature spoke volumes, and our communication had a quality that I don’t often experience when I talk with another person.

At one point, when a picture in the magazine appeared that showed animals around a beautifully decorated holiday tree, Bailey took my hand briefly and pointed my finger to the star at the top of the tree. Her open heartedness moved me with such warmth and joy that it brought tears to my eyes.

This week, try connecting with others in ways that you don’t normally. Experiment with being more present to someone who is speaking to you so that you can not only hear her or his words, but can also notice expressions and gestures. Perhaps you’ll try greeting someone with a smile and some eye contact instead of a hello. If you find that you tend to talk a lot about yourself, try to ask other people questions about themselves instead. Practice listening more, especially to the words that are not being spoken, so that you can have a different experience in your communications.

And finally, be grateful that you have the amazing ability to connect and communicate with others in so many ways. By meeting Bailey, I understood that some of us are not so fortunate and that many of the things we take for granted, like saying our name, are not possible for others.

During this holiday season, be thankful for your ability to let others know what you think, how you feel, and who you are. And don’t be afraid to really connect by allowing the beauty of your heart to speak out, whether it’s in words or silence.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.