Category: Life Lessons

Effective Ways to Deal With Stress

Good day, team,

Here’s a challenge I wrote last year that seems appropriate to republish. Since many of the conditions that inspired it are still with us, I thought you’d appreciate seeing it again.

Lately, many of my clients are going through a particularly stressful time so I thought it would be useful to understand more about what’s actually happening to us when we become too stressed.

Here is an excerpt about the chemistry of stress from “Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership” by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatizis; it appears in the September 2008 edition of the Harvard Business Review. (The entire article is well worth reading.)

“When people are under stress, surges in stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol strongly affect their reasoning and cognition. At low levels, cortisol facilitates thinking and other mental functions, so well-timed pressure to perform and targeted critiques of subordinates certainly have their place. When a leader’s demands become too great for a subordinate to handle, however, soaring cortisol levels and an added hard kick of adrenaline can paralyze the mind’s critical abilities. Attention fixates on the threat from the boss rather than the work at hand; memory, planning and creativity go out the window. People fall back on old habits, no matter how unsuitable those are for addressing new challenges.

“Poorly delivered criticism and displays of anger by leaders are common triggers of hormonal surges. In fact, when laboratory scientists want to study the highest levels of stress hormones, they simulate a job interview in which an applicant receives intense face-to-face criticism—an analogue of a boss tearing apart a subordinate’s performance.

“Researchers likewise find that when someone who is very important to a person expresses contempt or disgust toward him, his stress circuitry triggers an explosion of stress hormones and a spike in heart rate by 30 to 40 beats person minutes. Then, because of the interpersonal dynamic of mirror neurons and oscillators, the tension spreads to other people. Before you know it, the destructive emotions have infected an entire group and inhibited its performance. Leaders are themselves not immune to the contagion of stress. All the more reason they should take time to understand the biology of emotions.”

Your challenge this week is to check your stress levels and try to regain balance for your heart, mind and body. Perhaps you’ve noticed a tendency to disengage when you’re at work. If that’s the case, try finding one particular thing you really love doing and focus on that for awhile. Passion naturally re-engages us, and lends us a new source of energy. Maybe you find yourself becoming negative toward your co-workers; try getting some exercise at lunchtime to counter those feelings. If you find that your behavior is having a negative impact on others, try asking for help. Talk to someone you trust on the team. Let them know you’re having a hard time and could use help seeing things in a more positive light. Experiment with meditation techniques. Recent studies have proven that daily meditation reduces high blood pressure, high levels of cortisol, migraine headaches, and a number of other high-stress symptoms.

Whatever your experience of stress, remember that it’s not just your brain that does the work: A healthy body and an open heart are necessary to face each day as it comes, with all of its successes and failures. If you’re running at a deficit, figure out what you need to do to turn that loss into a gain. And chill out from time to time throughout the day. It might just help you think more clearly and creatively while it supports your body’s ability to be stress free.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

How We Huddle When Things Get Hard

Good day, team,

This weekend, the weather outside was cold and damp so I decided to spend a good portion of the day lounging on the couch watching college football.

I’ve been a football fan since I was young. I just happened to be lucky enough to live in Wisconsin when the Packers, under Vince Lombardi, won the Super Bowl. I was also living in Washington, D. C., when the Redskins won, and in New York when the Jets won, and in Miami when the Dolphins won. When I moved to San Francisco, I guess the 49ers caught my luck, because they started an unbelievable winning streak that lasted for years. I often thought I should start betting on football teams based on where I was going to live next!

Since then, I’ve moved to a city where there is no pro football team, and I guess my luck doesn’t apply to professional basketball, given the Blazers’ record. But I’ve become much more enamored of college football over the years, so this weekend I settled in for a long day of watching good games.

During the Oregon State vs. University of California at Berkeley (“Cal”) game, I saw something happen that is the heart of this week’s challenge. One of Cal’s star players, Jahvid Best, vaulted over a player from Oregon State into the end zone and fell hard from five feet in the air onto his neck and head. The entire Memorial Stadium went silent.

In a subsequent news report, Cal’s quarterback, Kevin Riley, said, “I was standing right there. You knew when he landed it was something. His eyes were blank, and he was trying to breathe.”

The report continued, “Best’s teammates went down on their knees and waited, then moved to the end zone as trainers and doctors took him away on a stretcher. The game was delayed 13 minutes. Some of Oregon State’s players who were on the field at the time huddled together in support.”

As I watched all of this play out on TV, I was moved to tears when I saw both teams go down on their knees to pray for Best. I expected the Cal team to do so, but when the Oregon players huddled together in prayer for him, I was inspired.

Just minutes before, the goal of the Oregon State team was to beat its opponents at any cost, and they were doing everything they could to prevent Best from getting into the end zone. But when he went down, everything changed, and what everyone wanted was for him to be all right.

I thought about the teams I’m working with and how combative team members can be with each other. They can get nasty when they feel their territory is threatened, or they’re being blamed for something they did or didn’t do, or someone is trying to sabotage them. This competitiveness plays out in so many destructive ways—not just within the team, but throughout the organization—that it often takes years to heal the rifts between team members.

At the same time, when something terrible or life-threatening happens to one of our teammates, we suddenly realize how important we are to each other and are immediately humbled into that place within us of unconditional love and compassion. In this place, we are truly connected. All the noise and flying fur that occurs when we fight can create one bad story after another that builds on itself and then becomes so large we lose our ability to appreciate each other. I call it the “beastly bundle,” that knot that holds all the bad news and nasty commentary. Sometimes the bundles become so big, we can no longer see over or around them, and when we look at our teammate, all we see is a beast.

I encourage you to examine your thoughts and emotions when a colleague irritates you. Are you telling yourself a story that says, “That person is out to get me. How can they be so disrespectful? Why are they doing this to me? I’ll figure out a way to get back at them. They’ll be sorry they treated me like this.”

If you’re telling yourself such a story, think again. It’s not that these thoughts don’t come up—they do, and along with them come all kinds of sensations that we have to deal with, such as tightness of chest, shortness of breath, fire in the belly, heart racing, etc. But if we don’t grab hold of these negative thoughts, emotions and sensations, if we see that they are just part of a story, then they do not control us. Seeing them is not being them, and the part of us that is able to observe can free us from our negative thoughts and emotions by remembering what’s really important.

This week, try neutralizing your negativity about your teammates. Maybe you do that by looking at the bigger picture. Ask yourself what the whole team is trying to achieve, rather than being solely focused on winning one battle. Perhaps you need to be reminded of what other challenges your teammate is trying to deal with to get a better sense of why he or she is behaving badly. Difficult health or family issues can put any of us in a negative state at work. Try spending some down-time with your teammate, at lunch or over coffee, talking about something other than your jobs. If you don’t get the connection you’re hoping for, try something as simple as forgiving her or him and realizing that as much as you’d like to say, “Get over it!” what’s really needed is kindness.

Why does it require the hard lesson of seeing that we might lose someone to value that person? As I watch my father slowly die of kidney failure, so much of my anger and sadness about him melts away in my heart. At the end of the day, all I really feel for him is love and compassion, forgiveness and gratitude. The stories will all be silenced when he dies, just as they were for the Oregon State player who one moment was trying to defeat his rival and the next was down on his knees silently praying for his recovery.

We are so lucky to have one another and be able to work together toward our common goals. Let’s try this week to appreciate our teammates for who they really are and take responsibility for our own negativity by not always believing the stories we like to tell ourselves. Remember that we’re all trying to do the best we can, and each of us is trying to make a difference. In that way, we are much more alike than we realize.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

The Importance of Expanding How We See the World By Changing Our Routines

Good day, team,

Last week was a whirlwind, as I traveled the East Coast presenting sales and customer service training to a client’s branch offices. One experience stands out and forms the heart of this week’s challenge: the importance of getting away from our regular circumstances and patterns to expand how we see the world.

Monday, I flew to New York for Tuesday meetings. Having arrived at LaGuardia airport at around 6 p.m., I traveled to my hotel and, since there wasn’t a restaurant in the hotel, I asked the girls at the front desk about the nearest and best restaurant that I could walk to for dinner. As everyone knows, traveling by air these days provides you with tiny bags of nuts or pretzels, a soft drink, and coffee, unless you want to pay $6.00 for some sort of happy meal, so I was pretty hungry by the time I reached my destination.

My friendly desk clerks told me that the Italian restaurant around the corner was the best place and handed me a card with instructions on how to walk there, along with the name and phone number of the restaurant. As I walked down the street heading toward “Piccolo Venezia,” my stomach growled in anticipation.

I was in Astoria, a solidly blue-collar neighborhood with lots of three-story brick attached town homes, each with a small courtyard in front that showcased many different exhibits. A plethora of Halloween decorations were on display as well as many religious icons: a statue of Mary complete with plastic flowers at her feet, a stone bird bath with St. Francis overlooking the water, and small altars with pictures of Christ, illuminated by votive candles. It seemed like a safe neighborhood, so I relaxed into my stroll to the restaurant.

Once there, I walked into a darkened bar and, as my eyes adjusted to the light, I saw an imposing maitre’d in a tuxedo at the far end of the bar. He stood there with his arms crossed, and it became immediately apparent that I needed to walk to him. OK, I thought: This is New York, and this is his domain, so I play by his rules.

I approached, and he asked, “Are you alone?” I told him I was, and he ushered me into a dining room that looked like the kind of place Tony Soprano would take a more important client, with plenty of fancy touches in its décor. I appreciated that the maitre’d placed me in a good spot where I had a nice view of the room.

I took in my surroundings. Various forms of red wall paper and some interesting pink stone adorned the walls. There were inviting prints of Venice placed near bright gilded sconces. Next to each table, a row of brass plates engraved with names like “Victor and Gloria Spinoza,” “Bruno and Rita Abelardo,” “Mario and Annalisa Fiorella,” paid tribute to the time-honored customers who had sponsored each table. I pondered how many times a couple would need to frequent a restaurant to pay for an engraved name plate in honor of their particular table. I realized that I was in a long-standing establishment that had a history of favorite customers, special events, and even a few minor celebrities whose pictures adorned the walls of the bar.

It dawned on me that I was no longer on the West Coast. No slow food or casual attire here. My waiter wore black pants, a short red jacket with a white shirt, and a black bow tie. A white linen hand towel hung from his forearm throughout my entire dinner. When he wasn’t attending a customer, he stood in line with rest of the waiters, who were dressed identically to him, awaiting their next opportunity to serve their customers or get special instructions from the maitre’d, who also stood in attendance quite near them but just far enough away to make a distinction. As my waiter approached and recited the specials to me, I noticed that he didn’t write anything down as I ordered, he just nodded his approval when I mentioned certain dishes and was quick to make suggestions when I needed help.

Before long, I was served some delicious homemade pasta and a large glass of red wine. I could easily overhear the conversation at the table next to me: four men discussing their families, their jobs and the state of the world. One fellow’s wife was about to have their first baby. An older gentlemen at the table gave him advice about helping out in the middle of the night if the baby started to cry and suggested good Italian names for baby boys. Another fellow talked about the state of the economy, how in all his years, he’d never been so slow at the shop and hoped that, just as the stock market seemed to be picking up, his business would too. He said, “The cars they bring in these days aren’t what they used to be: No chrome, no fins, just little plastic economy cars that people don’t seem to care too much about detailing.”

When a large Italian family across the room passed the newest family member around—a chubby-cheeked baby with bright dark eyes and lots of black hair—I could hear the older family members speaking endearments to the child in Italian. How many members of that family had had the same experience many years before at the same table in the same restaurant?

I was born in New York state, and I lived in Manhattan for two years, so I have vague memories of New York accents and old Italian restaurants, but it had been so long ago that my familiarity with these things was very faint. This is a life very different from mine, I thought, and as I sat enjoying my dinner, I was reminded how important it is to remove ourselves from our daily surroundings regularly so we can become more aware of how other people live.

It’s easy for us to become comfortable with our lives when our attitudes and routines are never challenged. But place yourself in someone elses world and you find that, although you may not understand or agree with her or him, you become intrigued with that way of life. Though we all share common concerns, our way of dealing with challenges may be very different. To expand our repertoire, it helps to keep our minds and hearts open to different traditions and customs.

When I finished the main course, my waiter approached and asked, “Ah, signora, some tiramisu and espresso for dessert?” I motioned to my very full stomach and replied, “No, grazie, but the pasta was great!” He smiled politely and swept the bread crumbs off my tablecloth with the small metal bar he kept in his pocket.

As I walked back to my hotel, I understood the importance of familiarity in our lives. It gives us stability and a sense of purpose. I learned that for 25 years my waiter has worked at that restaurant and each late afternoon as he makes his way across town to get there, he looks forward to waiting on the customers who have been coming there year after year to celebrate the important events in their lives or just have a good Italian dinner. I was the customer from Portland, some distant city he had seen mentioned in a “New York Times” restaurant review, who dropped into his life for a few hours. Maybe it was just long enough that it caused him to think about his life a little differently. When I mentioned that we enjoy locally grown produce in our restaurants here, he was surprised. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that if you live in a place where it doesn’t snow a lot, and it rains plenty, perhaps you can keep a local garden all year that can supply your restaurant. He shook his head as he pondered the thought and said, “There’s no room in my backyard to grow anything anyway, but my mother always grew her own tomatoes in a window box.” He sounded proud of her and as though he might entertain the idea himself.

This week, do something different to open yourself up to new ideas or possibilities. If you always drive the same way to work, try a different route. If you go to the same grocery store, try another one this week. Maybe you always start a meeting the same way or repeat the same routine when you get to the office each morning. Ask a colleague, “What do you do each morning when you come in?” to discover a different way to start your day, and then experiment with it.

We are creatures of habit, but we also have the ability to adapt to many different ways of being. Don’t be afraid to stretch your boundaries for a week. You may just find that it helps you see the world with a more expanded and compassionate view.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good Ways To Neutralize Defensiveness and Blame

Good day, team,

This past weekend, I’ve been perusing some of the coach’s challenges I wrote back in 2004. There was one in particular that seemed appropriate to republish, given some of the difficulties I see my clients facing at present. Here’s a portion of the challenge from April 2004:

“Try not to be defensive. We often find this stance is our knee-jerk reaction to blame: When someone blames us, we defend ourselves. The reality is that if we are trying to do our best, there is nothing to defend. See how often you defend yourself with others. More importantly, notice how often you defend yourself internally. Thoughts like “They really don’t understand me. I’m the one who was right; they just don’t get it” are a form of inner defensiveness. Sooner or later, this inner defensiveness gets projected out onto to someone else.”

What struck me about this challenge was the partnership that blame and defensiveness form in working against us, particularly when we’re trying to play on the same team. At the heart of this defensiveness is our overwhelming desire to be right. This desire along with wanting to look good, or be the smartest person in the room, is so overwhelming that it blinds us to whatever anyone else is saying or doing.

I remember my father talking with my mother over dinner one evening about his colleague Bill. Bill always had to be right, always had to put himself in the best light possible, and could not be trusted because he focused entirely on making himself look good. My father said, “Bill is so determined to be right that even when he’s wrong, he’s often the first to point it out, so he can be right about being wrong!” I remember thinking how awful it must be to worry about what other people think about you all the time.

On reflection, I realize that what my father said that evening about not trusting Bill is at the heart of this issue. We can find other people to be reliable, competent and friendly, even committed to the same goals we are, but if we think their chief motivation is to make themselves look good, that their goal is merely the next promotion, a big bonus or a chance to pump up their ego, we don’t trust them.

When our self-image is at stake, we go to extraordinary lengths to defend ourselves. Sadly, though, the self-image we’ve created is imaginary, and so we end up defending something that doesn’t exist. I often ask my husband, “What do you see me doing?” because I cannot see myself. I’m too close to my well-honed self-image, like the hand right in front of my face, touching my nose. I often have to check in with myself to inquire about my true motivation. Am I only doing this to make myself look good? Have I taken anyone else’s well-being into account before I pursue a given course of action?

Some of the people I consider heroes—Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi, Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama—have never been afraid to be wrong in the eyes of others when it comes to the well-being and welfare of their fellow beings. I hold them in high esteem and often think, “What would they do?” before I act.

Your challenge this week is to see where you are most defended and ask yourself, “Who am I defending?” If you often blame others for what goes wrong, ask yourself if blaming them leads to a good outcome. How much of your motivation is about making yourself look good rather than what’s best for the team? Be courageous in your inquiry.

The Dalai Lama advises, “When you think everything is someone else´s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy. Pride leads to violence and evil. The truly good gaze upon everything with love and understanding.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Doing Things Simpler, Easier and Better

Good day, team,

Lately, I’ve been on a crusade to make things less complicated. I use the word crusade because I’ve had some pretty extreme ideas about how to do this. I announced to my husband at dinner the other evening that if I had a large tractor with a big scooper on the front, I would plow through our house and scoop up everything that was not absolutely necessary to keep (which is much more than I’d like to admit) and take it all away. Of course, he asked, “Where would you dump it?” but that’s another question.

This new attitude cropped up after my recent weekend on silent retreat. If you have nothing to do but just sit and “be” and you remain quiet enough, you begin to see how simple things really are and how the the mind likes to complicate matters. I notice that once my mind has hold of an idea, it loves to explore it, chew on it, expand it, disagree with it, analyze it, add to it, etc.

Not that there’s anything wrong with this activity, goodness knows: Many great inventions and discoveries have been made though just this process. But when the mind takes something that is relatively simple and then creates all kinds of complications around it, the process can complicate our lives and the lives of others.

Here’s a good example. In the past six months, I’ve bid on two projects for the City of Portland. Having not worked for the city before and wanting to find ways to give back to the community, I thought working on a coaching project would be a good experience. The first Request for Proposal—a nasty, gnarly document that was extremely complicated and laborious—required 24 hours to complete.

It was painful to respond to every question, some of which didn’t make sense and others of which were impossible to answer given the information provided. I realized halfway through completion that if this was any indication of what it would be like to work for the city, I might not be interested. I had to laugh when, at the end, I was asked to submit my bid on double-sided paper, to be more environmentally conscious. Too bad that same standard hadn’t been applied to the eight pages of instructions.

I wasn’t exactly disappointed when my bid envelope was returned unopened with a letter saying the city had run out of funds for the project the day after the bids were received. I held the still-sealed envelope in my hand and thought, “Well, I guess I’ll chalk this up to my one and only experience attempting to do some civic duty.” The entire exercise seemed like a waste of my time, but then again, I often don’t know why I do things until much later, so perhaps I went through all of this for a reason.

Two weeks ago I received an e-mail from another department in the City of Portland. This group sent out an informal RFP via e-mail that consisted of five topics to address, three questions to answer and a request for a resume. It took be about an hour to put everything together, which I sent back by e-mail.

When I was done, I realized that the information I had e-mailed was pretty much like the five two-sided pages I had completed a few months before, but in a much simpler and more concise form. The big difference was that one agency had made its request incredibly complicated, whereas the other had streamlined the process down to its essential details.

Herein lies your challenge this week. At work, see if you continue to go through a complicated process every day just because that’s the way it’s always been done. Are you complicating a task that’s actually relatively simple, just because you think it requires more intellectual rigor? How about your instructions to others? Are you confusing people by asking too many questions and getting farther and farther away from the core issue?

If you find yourself sitting in a meeting and can’t remember why it was called, ask yourself, “What’s the real issue here? Have we gone down a road that leads us in a much more complicated direction? Are we spending too much time on something that’s really not all that important and, in doing so, side-tracking the real issues? For example, have we just spent the last hour wrangling over the issue of where to hold the company Christmas party when our sales have slipped for the fourth month in a row? Can we table everyone’s opinions for a moment to clarify what we’re really doing here?”

I’ve developed a new mantra that seems to be working for me: simpler, easier, better. Try saying that to yourself this week and see what happens.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Observing What’s Not Your Ego

This past week Cloud Four (my website gurus) transformed my website yet again and enabled the blog feature. We did this in response to a number of requests from subscribers who wanted to connect and converse with the community of people who read these weekly challenges. So I finally acquiesced and decided to begin blogging. I have resisted blogging for quite awhile for a few reasons. One, because I don’t like it when people start a blog and and then don’t keep it up. Two, I don’t like being criticized (invariably, someone writes in and says, “you’re an idiot and what you write about is dumb”), and three, my ego got in the way.

So, let’s talk about number three, because I can see in writing this that number two and number three are part of the same resistance. When I say my ego got in the way, I am referring to a voice in me that always has a comment about my writing. It says all kinds of things like, “who’s really interested in what you have to say?” and “gee, that’s pretty good for someone who’s not really a writer” and so on. It’s the kind of ego that grows out of self-pity and self-judgment. It took me awhile to understand this. I always thought that ego was like vanity, i.e., the part of us that thinks we’re special or better than someone else (I’m afraid I have some of those thoughts as well!). But I soon came to understand that ego and vanity are exactly the same. When you tell yourself you’re not special and that you’re not as good as someone else, it still singles you out and makes you the center of the universe. It’s still all about ‘me’. It’s just reflects a negative rather than a positive self image. When I’m in that negative space I’m not thinking about anyone else. I notice that even when I do think about others, it’s often in the context of what they might think about me, or what they’ve done to me, or how they’ve affected me. So, there it is again, me, me, me.

As a coach, most of my days are involved with listening and speaking with others about themselves. There’s no end to the difficulties we all encounter. A big part of why I love coaching is that I never seem to tire of the stories people tell me. I’m fascinated by what motivates people and how they work to enrich their lives. But, I also see that our minds construct a set of ideas and an image of who we think we are. And when events don’t align with those images and ideas, we feel anxiety and struggle to find meaning.

In a way, I’ve grown to see that it’s my ego that often tries to define me. If I’m not careful, I take that definition to be all that I am. In truth, I know that I am actually not anything that my ego defines. My true nature isn’t an actual thing, thank goodness, but rather …. well, if I could define it, it would be a thing, right?

Your challenge this week is to see what’s not your ego. See when you act from that ego personality and when you don’t. Perhaps you experience something of such beauty that it takes your breath away and, in that moment, there is no definition or thought, just an experience of beauty. Maybe you say a prayer and, afterwards, you have that warm, spacious feeling in your heart – no need for dramatization or definition. Often when I’m walking, I find that my mind isn’t telling me anything about myself or my surroundings. There’s something in the rhythm of just walking that can quiet my ego.

I have a friend who loves to snow ski because he says, “when I’m skiing I’m just skiing, nothing else. It’s such a joy to do something that doesn’t require any thought or commentary. Of course, the minute I fall down I look around to make sure no one has seen me. My ego takes over and comments on my skiing ability. Right then, that moment of peace is gone.”

When we give to others in unconditional ways, we are likely to find that the mind and heart are at peace. Find what works for you this week. Find something that allows you to experience a moment when the ego is not in charge. You may find that by observing your ego at work, you might just get a glimpse into what it is not, what is beneath it.

Years ago at a retreat, I heard someone ask the teacher, “How can I get rid of my ego?” The teacher replied, “Ego just is. And if you try to make it go away you’ll see that it’s your ego that is determined to be successful at making it go away and will be monitoring your progress and commenting about it.” One of my favorite phrases comes from Papaji, and Indian teacher who advised us to allow the ego to become the handmaiden to the self, rather than the other way around.

Papaji’s teacher, Ramana Maharshi also said, “Take no notice of the ego and its activities but see only the light behind it.”

Have a good week!
Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Making The Most of Our Small Moments

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge highlights a truism about our lives. In the grand scheme of things, we are here for a brief moment in time. Our lives often seem like a long adventure, but compared to the age of our sun, or the amount of time the young redwood trees in my local park have been growing, a human life is not very long at all.

This became even more apparent last Friday evening when my husband and I attended the wake of the brother of one of his colleagues. The man who passed away—affectionately nicknamed “Rabbit” at an early age by his siblings—was not very old, but he had led a full and unusual life. Some said he lived so much life in such a short one that his passing didn’t seem altogether strange. But in looking around at the eclectic crowd of friends, family and acquaintances who collected last Friday to pay homage to Rabbit, I realized that we were all touched by his death because it reminded each of us of our mortality and that we too shall travel his path sometime in the future.

When I awoke Saturday morning, I pondered this idea of our mortality. I felt a deep appreciation for being able to get out of bed, brush my teeth, walk downstairs, receive a kind “Good morning” from my loving husband, feel the swipe of the cat’s tail on my ankle, enjoy the pleasure of that first sip of coffee. Such small things, but so lovely.

Later in the morning, our grandsons came to stay with us for the weekend. Upon seeing me, their eyes lit up, and I was greeted with the familiar “Hi, Nana!” and hugs. Again, small moments, but for anyone who has had this experience with children, there is nothing finer and more life-affirming.

Someone said about Rabbit, “He had a kindness about him and a rare ability to be so present to anyone he met; he made people feel like he truly understood them and that they were special.” He exchanged those small moments of love and consideration with anyone he connected with.

Your challenge this week is to make the most of your small moments. There is nothing more satisfying than surfacing to whatever is actually in front of you and allowing yourself to be fully aware of it. Let yourself be in whatever is happening, and revel in those small miracles that occur every moment of every day all around and within us.

At the end of our days, perhaps we can look back over the span of a lifetime and see that we allowed ourselves to be alive in all our small moments. Whether it’s the feel of the chair underneath you as you sit at your desk at work or the breeze as it softly brushes over your forehead when you walk outside, these little occurrences are what a life is made up of. Try appreciating them in whatever form they take.

As Michel de Montaigne said, “Life does not occur in large events, but in many small ones that enrich the lives we live.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

A Small Exercise You Can Do When You’re Feeling Stuck

Good day, team,

Many people seek me out as a coach because they’re not sure what they want to do in life or they’ve been doing something (usually it’s their job) that they don’t enjoy any longer. Most people want to be able to do what they love. But often, they have no idea what that something else is, and so they hire a coach to help them discover their new path.

This week’s challenge comes from the article “What is Work? Finding your Path by Laying the Bricks” by Sharon Glassman. The article traces the steps by which the writer’s naturopathic physician discovered her chosen profession. It also describes how, while in naturopathic school, this woman became a bricklayer to pay for her schooling. Though she had grown up wanting to be a doctor, she found over time that naturopathy was a much better fit with her values and experience. She also learned some invaluable lessons while working as a bricklayer that influenced her path as a doctor.

Most notable for me in the article was an exercise she has all of her patients do when they tell her they feel stuck in their lives:

–Write a list of how you nourish yourself: mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

–Most people have an area that’s underfed. Balance the system, and new ideas will emerge.

I gave her suggestion a lot of thought this week and realized that almost all of us are a bit askew in one or all of these areas most of the time. That is, we have to make an effort to keep them continually fed and well-balanced.

In my case, I used to meditate regularly. In the past year or so, that practice has slipped away, not because I haven’t had the time (in fact, I’ve had more time to meditate daily since I haven’t been traveling as much for work), but because, well, I don’t know exactly why, I just stopped making it a priority. So the other day I decided to start meditating again in the mornings. Already, after just a few days, I feel remarkably better: more balanced, calmer, less agitated by bothersome trivia.

Successfully adding a meditation practice back into my daily schedule encouraged me, so I decided to make a list as the doctor had suggested. I was surprised to find that the areas I thought were getting plenty of attention were actually lacking, and vice versa. My mental life gets loads of attention, and my emotional life gets a good amount too, although I need to be more cognizant of how it gets fed. But my spiritual life is somewhat lacking at the moment.

Your challenge this week is to try the naturopath’s exercise. Write down how you nourish yourself in these three areas. See if one area gets too much of your time and attention. Create a better balance by putting your energy into the areas that you’ve been ignoring or that have become stale.

See what happens when you achieve a better balance. Perhaps, as the author suggests, new ideas will emerge. Maybe your head and heart will gain more clairity about a troubling situation, or you’ll find some new inspiration by changing your weekly spiritual practice.

We may experience some uncertainty about how to live our lives in a more fulfilling way, but as the author notes, “This idea applies to the work of work itself. Some days we’re laying the bricks. Some days we’re walking on them, en route to our next step. What is it? We may not know that…yet. But that’s okay.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

P.S.: The coach will be on vacation next week. I’ll be back to write a challenge for Labor Day.

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

The Importance of Taking a Vacation

Good day, team,

As this summer ebbs and flows, I’m reminded how important it is to allow ourselves the luxury of taking a vacation. Or, if you prefer, spending time doing nothing at all.

When I mention this idea of doing nothing to some of my clients, I get an “Ugh!” in response or the comment “I can’t just do nothing. I have to do something; otherwise, I’ll get bored!” Sometimes I ask these clients to make the something they have to do be the doing nothing itself, but that doesn’t work well for people who feel that a day without achieving something is a waste. In my case, I have to occasionally stop doing everything to see who I am and where I am. There’s something deliciously calming about the experience. It’s a mini-respite.

On a bit grander scale, my idea of vacation looks like this: lying around on the beach with my husband, where the temperature is 75 degrees and the ocean not much colder, looking at a gorgeous view of the ocean with my favorite book tucked under my arm, and knowing there’s nothing on the agenda for days ahead of us. Or looking at wonderful paintings in one of the world’s great museums with fellow art lovers, having dinner at a scrumptious restaurant later that evening, and then walking back to spend the night at a lovely inn. Or visiting friends in Europe who’ve managed to create a lifestyle that encompasses much of the above on a more consistent basis. Or hiking with my favorite hiking buddies somewhere in Great Britain for the morning, then having lunch at the local pub, a nap in the afternoon, dinner that evening that includes yorkshire pudding, and later on, sitting by the fire while engaging in scintillating conversation, sipping on a great scotch. Or sitting on my front steps admiring the sunset, enjoying a glass of cold white wine on a hot summer evening, and watching the street scene (which in my NE neighborhood can be quite entertaining), thinking of not much at all, just watching the world out in front of me.

On a bit grander scale, my idea of vacation looks like this: lying around on the beach with my husband, where the temperature is 75 degrees and the ocean not much colder, looking at a gorgeous view of the horizon with my favorite book tucked under my arm, and knowing there’s no agenda for days ahead of us. Or looking at wonderful paintings in one of the world’s great museums with fellow art lovers, having dinner at a scrumptious restaurant later that evening, and then walking back to spend the night at a lovely inn. Or visiting friends in Europe who’ve managed to create a lifestyle that encompasses much of the above on a more consistent basis. Or hiking with my favorite hiking buddies somewhere in Great Britain for the morning and then having lunch at the local pub, a nap in the afternoon, a dinner that evening that includes yorkshire pudding, and sitting by the fire while engaged in scintillating conversation, while sipping on a great scotch. Or sitting on my front steps admiring the sunset, enjoying a glass of cold white wine on a hot summer evening, and watching the street scene (which in my NE neighborhood can be quite entertaining), thinking of not much at all, just watching the world out in front of me.

Do I have your attention yet? This week’s challenge is a reminder that if you haven’t taken a vacation this year, now is the time to go or at least plan one for the fall. I wonder how many of us haven’t spent time doing the things that made us really happy when we were kids. I used to spend my summers in Cape Cod and in Maine. One of my favorite things to do was look for shells on the beach. I haven’t done that in many moons. Perhaps I could arrange a vacation around that idea. Maybe you haven’t been fishing in a long time, and could plan such a vacation with your kids or grand kids. One of my friends recently traveled to Peru and tromped around Machu Picchu, then took only local buses into small villages and made friends with some Peruvians who took her in for a week and infused her with their loving hospitality and culture. She’s made new friends for life.

We forget that the process of renewal and regeneration is crucial to our well-being. We forget how to take a vacation and find ourselves steeped in too much to do, in lives that have become increasingly difficult to keep up with. Sooner or later, we forget what makes us happy and how to let go of all the things that keep us trapped in our daily existence. Life becomes very narrow, and our ability to think new thoughts, feel different feelings and experience new sensations diminishes to a dangerous degree. As my shaman used to say, “Don’t let your inner fire go out.” In other words, don’t let the momentum of daily life hypnotize you into taking care of it every minute of every day, using up so much of your energy that there’s nothing left to reignite your flame.

The dog days of summer will be over before we know it. Don’t miss the chance to enjoy some of it by relaxing, refreshing and doing absolutely nothing, if it pleases you!

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

The Dangers of Certainty

Good day, team,

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been tuning in to a recurring message that’s come from the news media, friends, clients and even a bumper sticker a few days ago. The message is “Beware of certainty.”

This week’s challenge is about the danger of being so convinced about something that your mind and heart become closed to any other possibility. Here’s a good example of what I mean.

Robert McNamara, the secretary of defense during the Johnson administration, died a few weeks ago. There’s been much written about him lately, but what struck me most were clips from the film “The Fog of War,” a documentary that includes many interviews of McNamara reflecting on how his views had changed over the years. In one scene, the interviewer asked him to speak about how his views on the war in Vietnam changed over the years. Here was a man who was absolutely certain that the Russians were behind the push of communism into Vietnam. If Vietnam fell to communist ideology, so would all of Southeast Asia, victim of the domino effect: If one falls, the entire row falls. Now, in his later years, McNamara realized how mistaken he had been and how almost all of his decisions about the war had been based on faulty thinking.

Over time, he began to see that his certainty had caused the deaths of thousands and that much of what he had based his decisions upon wasn’t true. Earlier in his career, he said with complete confidence, “It would be our policy to use nuclear weapons wherever we felt it necessary to protect our forces and achieve our objectives.” He came to regret these words, and many of the actions he took during the war haunted him until the day he died.

Similarly, the Bush administration was certain that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in Iraq poised to use against the United States. Life-changing decisions were made based on the administration’s certainty. We now know that those decisions were based on false information.

I wondered this week why people cling to certainty and the false sense of security that comes from thinking it’s this way or no way. Why do we feel more secure when someone says, “No doubt about it”?

In one of his interviews, McNamara explained that, as a younger man, he had been taught that indecision and lack of certainty were seen as signs of weakness. Even if you weren’t 100 percent certain, you had to show others that you were completely convinced that your decisions were correct. Where doubt existed, the potential for opposition and rebellion could occur.

History has shown us many examples of how dangerous this kind of thinking can be. The Holocaust is probably our primary example. And yet, as human beings, we can see how much we desire a simple, sure solution to all our questions. The desire to come up with an answer, to put something in place, is very strong. The feeling of getting it done and not having to think about it anymore is satisfying.

I’ve learned how important it is to question my thinking, particularly when I am completely convinced of something. I try to remember that there is no such thing as an absolute and that my thinking is often influenced by my present circumstances. Change those circumstances, and my thinking and feelings change as well.

This week, try questioning your certainties. Ask yourself, am I missing another way of seeing this situation? Is my belief in this subjective? Is it possible that I might be wrong or that I’m basing my certainty on information that is not completely true? Am I able to see other points of view? Are my views excluding others from participating? Are my thinking and actions encouraging inclusiveness or exclusiveness?

One of the best ways to broaden our thinking is to ask others what they think. If you see yourself being absolutely certain of something, ask someone who doesn’t always agree with you what he or she thinks. I often check my thinking with my husband. He and I have similar values, but he often has just enough of a different viewpoint to get me to open my mind to new possibilities. I’ve also used the Internet to give me new ways of viewing situations. As much as I don’t like overly conservative viewpoints, I will go to such Web sites to read what people who disagree with me think. I’m always surprised by how certain they are of their views! In scoffing at their viewpoints, I have to admit that it’s the certainty in my liberal views that makes me judge the certainty in theirs.

In the editorial section of the newspaper this morning, I read a piece written to President Obama by a man who is dying. He appeals to the president to be honest with the American people about the economy. He writes, “So even as you speak words of hope and quell our fears with your steady presence, let us know that you proceed in the spirit of not being too sure because you cannot be, because no one can be, because a global economic meltdown is unprecedented in scope and nature.” Earlier, he quoted Judge Learned Hand: “The spirit of liberty is the spirit of not being too sure.”

Try asking better questions and digging more deeply into your opinions and views. See if there’s another way to look at the world around you. Remember that being flexible in your thinking and approach gives you more room to move when circumstances change, which they invariably will do.

Bertram Russell wrote, “The whole problem with the world is fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.