Category: Coach’s Challenge

6/3/12 “Anger”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about anger. Whether we like it or not, the state of anger happens to all of us from time to time. More often than not, expressing our anger causes more problems than we started with, and we are usually the ones who suffer the consequences. Times are few and far between when the expression of anger can serve us well, but it is possible, depending on our self-awareness at the time.

This subject came up a number of times last week as I observed people getting angry. I became angry myself on Saturday and thought I would share the circumstances to better understand this subject.

From 8 in the morning until 3:45 in the afternoon on Saturday, I facilitated a meeting for a local board of directors. It was a good day. The group was cooperative, the location was perfect, and we made good progress as we moved through the agenda to create a strategic plan for the team. My only difficulty was a headache that lurked in the back of my head throughout the day. Even after taking some ibuprofen, it would not go away.

Once the meeting was over, I needed to get some gas before I drove out of town to join my husband at our house in the gorge. I drove up to the various gas stations near the meeting only to discover that none of them sold diesel gasoline, which was what I needed. My anger started to rise. I observed the thoughts that fueled my anger: “What’s wrong with these gas stations? Don’t they realize that some people drive diesel cars? This would never happen in Europe where the availability of diesel gas is so much better than here! The American oil companies have us over a barrel, and we never seem to fight back!” By the time I finally found a station that sold diesel gas, I was pretty angry.

So what was happening? I had a big concentration of energy in my upper chest that made me feel short of breath. My angry thoughts about oil companies were being augmented by angry thoughts about having to work on a Saturday, my pounding headache, and the long drive ahead of me — and all of this was compounding to increase my anger. By the time the gas station attendant asked if he could help me, I wanted to shout out, “FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL!”

I didn’t do that, but you can imagine how this angry outburst would have been totally misplaced. He was the person who was going to give me what I wanted, and yet I nearly bit his head off. My anger really wanted to express itself. Anger is like this. Once the state overtakes us, the body feels compelled to get rid of that explosive energy. It often just comes out at the first person we come into contact with whether he or she has anything to do with why we are angry.

Rather than shout at the gas station attendant, I said to him, “Gosh, I’m so glad you sell diesel. I’ve been driving around for a half hour unable to find a gas station that sells it, getting angrier and angrier.” He nodded with smile and said, “I understand what you mean. That would be frustrating for me too.” This got me thinking about what makes us angry and how destructive it can be in our relationships, particularly when it’s misplaced.

I wondered about the kinds of situations that make me angry. I often become angry when my expectations about how something should go aren’t met. I become frustrated and soon after, the frustration turns to anger. I also get angry when people express their anger toward me, and the angrier they are, the angrier I am in response. It’s like having someone push on me with forceful, negative energy; the stronger they push on me, the more I want to push back on them with at least the same amount of strong, negative energy — if not more. I also become angry when I do something stupid or disappoint myself in some way. In fact, I am more forgiving of others when they do things that disappoint me. When it comes to my own actions, I’m much more judgmental, and that judgment can quickly turn to anger.

I also become angry when I see what I consider to be a great injustice done to others or when I observe someone being bullied or treated unfairly. I was reading recently about a man who had been unjustly imprisoned for 20 years for a rape he never committed, and I watched my anger rise inside of me as I continued to read the article.

Angry energy rises up in each of us for different reasons. How can we use that energy in a constructive and useful way rather than in a destructive way? Should we just let the anger explode out accidentally? Or can we learn to use that volatile, fiery energy for better purposes?

In the case of the gas station attendant, I was lucky. I was already observing the anger inside me, and when he asked if he could help me, I was able to control my outburst of energy and explain to him what was happening to me rather than take the anger out on him. But I’m not always so self-aware, and when I’m not, the anger just pops out. When I am able to see that I’m becoming angry or that the state is becoming more and more volatile, I have an opportunity to act from the place that’s observing the anger, rather than the anger itself.

Anger can serve for good purposes, however, when it is used to set a healthy boundary. The story from the Bible of Jesus throwing the moneychangers out of the temple comes to mind. From the gospels:

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers and the benches of those selling doves and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’
— Mark 11:15–18

I remember reading this story as a child and wondering what this ever-compassionate, peaceful man was doing turning over tables and throwing people out of the temple in a fit of anger? This didn’t seem like his regular personality, and the unusualness of it made an impression on me. He was making a strong statement about the sacredness of the temple and how inappropriate it was to use it for commercial purposes. When our expression of anger sends a loud and clear message that sets a healthy boundary, it can be the right action for everyone involved. But, it’s tricky. As Aristotle wrote:

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

This week, see if you can observe what happens to you when you become angry. Do you feel that explosive energy rising up in your chest, into your throat, wanting to express itself? Do you have lots of angry thoughts that seem to be fueling your anger? How about your tone of voice? Do you hear your tone changing when speaking to others when you’re angry? Or maybe you cut someone off in a meeting because you’re impatient with him or her and your anger is rising as you get more impatient.

See what happens after you’ve expressed your anger. Do you see the expression on the other person’s face change when you express your anger? Perhaps you have cultivated more passive aggressive ways to express your anger such as making negative side comments to someone in a meeting, texting those negative comments to others or gossiping about someone. Sometimes I observe people expressing their anger by provoking others with negative comments or intentionally being uncooperative to get what they want. All these expressions of negativity often stem from impatience, judgment and intolerance, and if we’re not careful, they can easily turn into an angry expression or invoke an angry response from another person.

This week, see if you can use your anger rather than allow it to use you. Observe how you express yourself when the state of anger has you in its grips, and see if you can moderate it to create a better outcome.

As Ambrose Bierce advised, “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

5/28/12 “In Memoriam”

Good day, team.

Today is Memorial Day. For this week’s challenge, I am offering a few poems about war that touch me deeply. It is but one way to honor those who serve in the armed forces. Your challenge this week is to find your own way to honor those who served their countrymen. Let us not forget those who have perished, those who’s lives have been marred by war, and those who continue to serve us.

As Toilsome I Wander’d Virginia’s Woods

As toilsome I wander’d Virginia’s woods,
To the music of rustling leaves kick’d by my feet, (for ’twas autumn,)
I mark’d at the foot of a tree the grave of a soldier;
Mortally wounded he and buried on the retreat, (easily all could understand,)
The halt of a mid-day hour, when up! No time to lose-yet this sign left,
On a tablet scrawl’d and nail’d on the tree by the grave,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.

Long, long I muse, then on my way go wandering,
Many a changeful season to follow, and many a scene of life,

Yet at times through changeful season and scene, abrupt, alone, or in the crowded street,
Comes before me the unknown soldier’s grave, come the inscription rude in Virginia’s woods,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.

~ Walt Whitman

Ten Minutes

It was ten minutes before the war
The quietest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes before the war
And everything was looking good

It was ten minutes during the war
The sickest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes during the war
And everything was dying fast

break

It was ten minutes after the war
The emptiest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes after the war
And there was nothing left

No more war
Is that what it takes for
No more war

No more war
Is that what it takes for
No more war

It was ten minutes.

~ Colin Coplin

Upon the Arid Lakes
Someplace
A field of flowers
Rousing under remnants of the dawn:
Out there! from death, I rose
Above the silent many –
A distant will-o’-the-wisp
Reflecting under airs of minor ninths –
How rich the ambience they threw!

What theme of prosody
Had rendered me? –
Tho’ silent were its words:
A broken soul in pulsing pain –
Thou mustn’t guess what goes behind
The sick and ghostly screen of war!

In sallow-grey and other ashen hues,
Disrobed of warming flesh
That reassures the bones,
A twisted pose
Portrayed my physicality –
Not unlike the carcass of a prey;

But as a cloud of thought, I mused,
Exacerbating woes
Collected in a life dispatched
In freely flowing blood,
Conferring crimson shades
Upon the arid lakes aflood
With glorious tides of nascent buds
Begetting innocence.
And as we glowed in ruddy shades,
I asked: ‘What future lies ahead?
What terror trades? ’

~ Mark R. Slaughter

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249 office

5/20/12 “Separation”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about separation. That is, how we sometimes separate ourselves from others, including family, co-workers and friends.

All of us experience this sense of being separate from time to time. Sometimes it’s caused by a succession of failures, too much stress, or being out of sorts with family members or friends. Whatever the cause, when I feel disconnected from others, it is frequently accompanied by a state of depression and I experience a lot of negative thoughts:

“No one understands me.”
“Why do I have to do this all on my own?”
“No one likes me, so it won’t matter whether I show up or not.”
“I’m such a failure, I can’t do anything right.”
“I’m really an impostor here; if people really knew that I have no idea what I’m doing, I’d never have a job.”

All of these thoughts have the ring of separation to them. In these moments, I see myself as separate from the team, from my family, from my friends. I’m not like them. I’m different in some way.

When I work with teams, I often notice that someone on the team is separating themselves from the others. They may do this by not responding when asked to participate or by having the attitude that they know more than the rest of the group. If someone acts in an antagonistic or provocative way, it can separate him or her from the team. At the same time, feeling like a victim can separate a person from the whole. Even leaders who see themselves as powerful or authoritative can begin to feel separate from their teams. Whether a person sees him- or herself as special or insignificant, the results can be the same: separation.

This feeling of separateness is an illusion. Although we play different roles in our lives, we are all connected to one another. When we forget our connection to all other living beings, we start to get into trouble. I may think the Japanese tsunami last year was an event separate from me, but the remaining debris from that tsunami’s aftermath is about to show up on our west coast shores. I can judge my neighbors and feel like I’m better or smarter — until I need to call them for help. Will they judge me in return in that moment? What about when a fellow team member needs to pick up some of my job responsibilities when I’m out sick? I hope he or she won’t be feeling separate from me and will be able to see the importance of supporting me when I need it. Every action we take impacts someone else somewhere, somehow.

The best metaphor for this is the ocean and the wave. In our various roles, we show up as a wave. Sometimes waves are big and powerful, and other times, they roll calmly onto the shore. Waves can be bright and beautiful with white, frothy crests and deep blue colors or dark and grey with a slick surface. Just as we can be bright and beautiful or dark and grey, our various personalities show up as waves. Believing that our wave is separated from all the other waves can make us feel alone — but in reality, we are part of a huge ocean. That ocean is made of water and the water is what makes up the waves. Without the ocean, there is no wave. Without the rest of humanity, there is no one person.

This week, see whether you’ve separated yourself from others in some part of your life. Do you pride yourself in being different and, in turn, think you’re better than or less than others? How about with your family — are you the black sheep or the odd one or the best one? Do you separate yourself by spending most of your time alone? Do you not pay attention to others when you’re in a meeting and separate your attention away from everyone else? When you resist participating, what is it in you that thinks you’re not connected to everyone else? If you envision a sports team playing on the field, what if someone kicks the ball to their teammate and their teammate decides not to play anymore? Doesn’t the game stop? We are indeed each unique individuals, but it’s important to understand that what makes us special doesn’t need to separate us from others. In fact, that’s what makes teams so great — all of those unique qualities and strengths directed toward a common goal.

This week, appreciate how connected you are to others in all things. We were not put here to be alone and belonging to each other is one of the great gifts of humankind.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 422-9249

5/13/12 “Revel in Abundance”

Good day, team.
The coach’s challenge this week is about abundance. Look around you. What do you see? Do you have everything you need? Do you have everything you want? What is the difference? Are you grateful for what you have, or do you find yourself constantly longing for what you don’t have?
This reminds me of a novel I read entitled “Shantaram” by Gregory Roberts, about life in the slums of Bombay, India. Most of the characters in this book live in small, handmade huts on the outskirts of the city. They own a change of clothes, a toothbrush, a cup, a plate, a fork and a mat to sleep on. (And these are the lucky ones!) I am amazed at how happy these people are and how they experience abundance in their lives. They are grateful for the smallest things because they have so little. I also read another novel about a young girl who was born into a family of billionaires and has all she’s ever wanted. Her life is characterized by continual displeasure with everyone and everything around her. The contrast between the two stories is obvious: Abundance is not about having more and more things but about our attitude toward the things we have.
We live in a world of enormous wealth and consumerism. The selection of products is overwhelming at times. Do you ever find yourself in the store unable to decide among the 30 brands of laundry detergent on the shelf? The time I often spend analyzing which brand to buy is actually worth far more to me than any benefit I might derive from saving money or getting better quality with the “right” choice. I’m actually happier if I have a more limited selection. Faced with too many options, I chafe for what isn’t available, and then I’m dissatisfied with what is.
Cultivating an awareness of our surroundings is one of the best ways to experience abundance. Right now, we are enjoying the beauty of spring. The power of nature is everywhere. Wildflowers are in bloom, trees are resplendent in many different shades of green, and the increasing warm weather draws us outside to revel in nature’s abundance. Each of us can experience this wonderful season but only if we take the time to see it, smell it, touch it. This time of year, we can be especially grateful for the warmth of welcome sunshine on our skin. Perhaps you find yourself arranging flowers and their fragrance fills you with happiness. Finding ways to experience these delights of the season increases my feelings of abundance and gratitude for what I experience in my life.
This week, take a moment or two to appreciate the abundance in your life. Do you have plenty to eat? Are you surrounded by people who love you? Maybe you live in a beautiful place and always have the wonders of nature around you. Perhaps your home brings you great pleasure as you soak in your tub, spend many wonderful hours in your garden or relax in your easy chair. Whatever abundance is around you, give yourself time to revel in it.
When we feel abundant, we tend to attract abundance. When we cultivate an attitude of scarcity, our minds focus on what we don’t have, and in turn, we attract less of what we need and want. Try finding something in your environment this week that makes you truly grateful. Experience how happy and abundant this appreciation makes you feel. Enjoy life as William Blake expressed it in “Auguries of Innocence”:
To see a World in a grain of sand
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour.
Have a great week!
Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/29/12 “Utilizing your strengths”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge comes from the author and blogger, Penelope Trunk. Her book “Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success” is a must read for anyone trying to figure out what career to follow or how to be more successful in a current job. The book includes 45 tips that are brazenly unconventional, bold and radical.

Because I’m an avid fan of Joseph Campbell and his advice to “follow your bliss,” this blog entry from Trunk definitely caught my eye. Have a look:

The Worst Career Advice: Do What You Love
By Penelope Trunk

“One of the worst pieces of career advice that I bet each of you has not only received but given is to ‘do what you love.’

Forget that. It’s absurd. I have been writing since before I even knew how to write — when I was a preschooler I dictated my writing to my dad. And you might not be in preschool, but if you are in touch with who you are, that sort of behavior continues: You do what you love no matter what, because you love it, not because you get paid to do it.

So you will say, ‘But look. Now you are getting paid to do what you love. You are so lucky.’ But it’s not true. I mean, there are things I enjoy more, and I discover new things I love all the time. We are each multifaceted, multilayered and complicated, and if you are reading this blog, you probably devote a large part of your life to learning about yourself. And self-discovery is a process; none us loves just one thing.

Career decisions are not decisions about what do I love most. Career decisions are about what kind of life do I want to set up for myself. After all, how could you possibly pick one thing you love to do?

The world reveals to you all that you love by what you spend time on. Try stuff. If you like it, you’ll go back to it. I recently tried Pilates. I didn’t want to try, but a friend said she loved the teacher, so I went. I loved it. I have taken it three times a week ever since, and it’s changed me.

Often, the thing we should do for our career is something we would only do if we were getting a reward. If you tell yourself that your job has to be something you’d do even if you didn’t get paid, you’ll be looking for a long time. Maybe forever. So why set that standard? The reward for doing a job is contributing to something larger than you are, participating in society and being valued in the form of money.

The pressure we feel to find a perfect career is insane. And given that people are trying to find it before they are 30 in order to avoid both a quarter-life crisis and a biological-clock crisis, the pressure is enough to push people over the edge. Which is why one of the highest risk times for depression in life is in one’s early 20s when people realize how totally impossible it is to simply ‘do what you love.’

Here’s some practical advice: Do not what you love; do what you are. It’s how I chose my career. I bought the book with that title — maybe my favorite career book of all time — and I took the quickie version of the Myers-Briggs test. The book gave me a list of my strengths and a list of jobs where I would likely succeed based on those strengths.

Relationships make your life great, not jobs. But a job can ruin your life — make you feel out of control in terms of your time or your ability to accomplish goals — but no job will make your life complete. It’s a myth mostly propagated by people who tell you to do what you love. Doing what you love will make you feel fulfilled. But you don’t need to get paid for it.

A job can save your life, though. If you are lost and lonely and wondering how you’ll ever find your way in this world, take a job. Any job. Because structure and regular contact with regular people and a method of contributing to a larger group are all things that help us recalibrate ourselves.

So if you are overwhelmed with the task of ‘doing what you love,’ you should recognize that you are totally normal, and maybe you should just forget it. Just do something that caters to your strengths. Do anything.

And if you are so overwhelmed that you feel depression coming on, consider that a job might save you. Take one. Doing work and being valued in the community is important. For better or worse, we value people with money. Earn some. Doing work you love is not so important. We value love in relationships. Make some.”

Trunk offers much to think about in this blog post. None of us have the luxury of only doing work that compliments our strengths. But if you’re lucky enough to be part of a team, the work can be divided in such a way as to play to each team members’ strengths. A smart manager quickly tunes into everyone’s strengths and aligns responsibilities accordingly. This makes for a much happier group of people who support rather than detract from one another. It’s often in the relationships we form at work that we receive our greatest gifts and challenges.

If we follow Trunk’s advice and don’t expect our job to make our life complete, then we accept what a job can actually do for us. A job can provide part of what we need in life to succeed — by our own definition, not anyone else’s. Many other aspects of our life can provide the deeper satisfaction and joy we seek. If we expect our jobs to give us everything, we will probably get disappointed.

From another angle, there’s something to be said for knowing when to get things done and how to allocate our time so that we’re spending more time doing what we’re good at rather than struggling with things we’re not as good at. Years ago, my grandmother told me that she liked to get her household chores done early in the day so that later on she could bake. My grandmother definitely had strengths in baking — her chocolate donuts and apple pies were amazing! I know that my grandmother didn’t enjoy cleaning up after four children and a husband each day, but she did love to bake. She was smart to concentrate the best part of her day on her favorite activity. This seemed like a great use of her strengths to me, and it was a good lesson in doing the stuff we really don’t like first to get them out of the way so we can concentrate on what we do enjoy.

Your challenge this week is to consider your strengths and try aligning your job responsibilities with your strengths. If you’re not aware of what your top strengths are, take a strengths assessment to find out. There are lots of books on the topic: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham, “StrengthsFinder 2.0” by Tom Rath, “Strengths-Based Leadership” by Tom Rath and Barry Conchie. All of these books help you discover your strengths and learn to use them in your job. They also all have instructions for how you can go online to discover your strengths.

Dr. Donald O. Clifton, cited by the American Psychological Association as the father (and now the grandfather) of strengths psychology, wrote, “A strength is something you like to do, are good at and learn quickly.”

Sounds good to me!

Have a good week,

Kathleen

* The coach will be on vacation next weekend. The next challenge will be published 5/13/12.

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/15/12 “Poetry”

Good day, team.

April is poetry month, and it always gives me an opportunity to share one of my favorite poems. Poetry speaks to our inner being more than our external personalities. It has a way of revealing something that we know is so true, that we can hardly believe someone put it in words, in just that way, with such beauty and eloquence.

Special thanks to my wonderful friend Vanessa who introduced me to this poem.

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~ Naomi Shahib Nye

Your challenge this week is to find a poem or excerpt of prose that speaks to you. This assignment should not be difficult for those of you who love poetry, but if you don’t, try to at least take some time to explore a little — you just might find something that appeals to you. Sometimes the best poems are simple and short. Other times, a great poem is found in an entire book that describes an epic saga or journey. Whatever form it takes, find the poem that truly inspires you.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/8/12 “Spring”

Good day, team.

This past weekend, all of the daffodils finally bloomed out at our property in the Columbia River Gorge. It makes me so happy to see them. Although the weather changes frequently at this time of year — light snow, hail, rain, sun — once all the daffodils are in bloom, I know that spring has finally announced itself.

This season of growth and fertility is a great time for new beginnings. Just as we watch nature transform itself from dormancy to activity, we also are encouraged to wake up and fully engage in our own endeavors. The coming of spring, reminds me of something I often tell my clients, “When the light is green — go!” The arrival of spring is very much like a stoplight turning green. Everything around us tells us to emerge, become, initiate, flower. Beginning new endeavors when the time is right can be critical to their success.

On the other hand, trying to get something accomplished when the time isn’t quite right — when the light is red or yellow — can be frustrating. No matter how hard you try to make something happen when the light is red, it’s not going to happen. Sometimes we are unsure whether it’s a good time to begin something new — the light is yellow. We proceed with caution knowing that we may be stopped along the way and often experience a slow down of events and accomplishments.

Many of my clients and friends are motivated by achievement and have a strong desire to keep going at maximum speed throughout the year, regardless of whether the time is right for various activities. They are frustrated by others who are not as motivated by achievement and blame them for blocking their desire to get stuff done. In fact, this desire for constant achievement can become an obstacle in itself. If you keep trying to go when the light is red — or when your own nature is calling for you to slow down — you end up crashing sooner or later.

Sometimes it’s difficult to tune into the shifts and changes of your own nature. It can be helpful to tune into the nature around you as the seasons change. For example, no matter how hard I may want my tulips to bloom in November, they won’t until spring arrives. So perhaps I should listen to nature’s message. Why not shift down into a slower gear in winter, while nature sleeps and gathers energy? Then allow myself to grow and blossom during spring along with nature’s budding flowers and trees. How about allowing myself to glow in the fires of joy and happiness in the heat of summer? And then harvest the fruits of my own labors along with the cornucopia of Indian summer and autumn.

Tuning into the flow of nature is not a new idea. Many Native American cultures observed the ways of nature and celebrated it with their foods, traditions and ceremonies. The Chinese Five Element Theory helps form the basis of Chinese medicine, feng shui design principles and many seasonal foods, acknowledging the five seasons: winter, spring, summer, Indian summer and autumn. Many native tribes around the world still use the seasons as hallmarks for their annual excursions and sacred ceremonies as a way of honoring nature with their tribal traditions. Going with the flow of nature — that of the earth and of our own true selves — just makes good sense. When I do this in my own life, I experience much less resistance.

This week, notice if you’re trying to make something happen when the time truly isn’t right, when the light is red. Do you feel like you keep hitting a brick wall? What kind of resistance is making it difficult to achieve your goal? Conversely, notice when your endeavors just fall into place with very little effort. If so, then the light is probably green, and it may seem like you can barely go fast enough to keep up. Or maybe you are just feeling your way, with a yellow light, and it’s a bit slow going with plenty of confusing messages along the way.

Whatever the case, try to tune into spring and see whether it can influence you with its growth and promise. See if by realigning yourself with nature, you can find the green light you need to proceed with a new idea or venture.

“The seasons are what a symphony ought to be: four perfect movements in harmony with each other,” 
wrote the famous concert pianist, Arthur Rubenstein.

This week, see whether you’re in harmony with nature and the changes it brings. What is nature encouraging you to do?

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/1/12 “Blame”

Good day, team.

Each week, I try to write about a subject that’s relevant for my clients. Unfortunately, I’m seeing blame crop up in the teams of some of my clients so I feel compelled to make it the focus of this week’s challenge. Blame is one of the most destructive attitudes to cultivate when in a dispute with someone. Whether you disagree with a family member, a friend or a teammate at work, blame plants the seeds of distrust, which in turn creates suffering for everyone involved.

When someone blames us, we go into defense mode. But the reality is: If we are trying to do our best, there is nothing to defend. Pay attention to how often you defend yourself with others. More important, notice how often you defend yourself internally with thoughts like “They really don’t understand me. I’m the one who was right; they just don’t get it.” Sooner or later, this inner defensiveness gets projected out onto to someone else.
What strikes me most about this is the partnership that blame and defensiveness form in working against us, particularly when we’re trying to play on the same team with someone. At the heart of this defensiveness is our overwhelming desire to be right. This desire, along with wanting to look good or appear smart, is so overwhelming that it blinds us to whatever anyone else is saying or doing.
I remember my father talking with my mother over dinner one evening about his colleague Bill. Bill always had to be right, always had to put himself in the best light possible and could not be trusted because he focused entirely on making himself look good. My father said, “Bill is so determined to be right that even when he’s wrong, he’s often the first to point it out so he can be right about being wrong!” I remember thinking how awful it must be to worry about what other people think about you all the time.
On reflection, I realize that what my father said that evening about not trusting Bill is at the heart of this issue. We can find other people to be reliable, competent and friendly, even committed to the same goals we are, but if we think their chief motivation is to make themselves look good or that their goal is merely the next promotion, a big bonus or a chance to pump up their ego, we won’t trust them.
When our self-image is at stake, many of us go to extraordinary lengths to defend ourselves. Sadly, though, the self-image we’ve created is imaginary, and so we end up defending something that doesn’t exist. I often ask my husband, “What do you see me doing?” because I cannot see myself. I’m too close to my well-honed self-image. I often have to check in with myself to inquire about my true motivation. Am I only doing this to make myself look good? Have I taken anyone else’s well-being into account before I pursue a given course of action?
Some of the people I consider heroes — Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi, Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama — have never been afraid to be wrong in the eyes of others when it comes to the well-being and welfare of their fellow beings. I hold them in high esteem and often think, “What would they do?” before I act.
Your challenge this week is to notice when you tend to be the most defensive. If you blame others when something goes wrong, ask yourself if blaming them will lead to a good outcome. How much of your motivation is about making yourself look good rather than what’s best for the team? Be courageous in your inquiry.
The Dalai Lama advises, “When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy. Pride leads to violence and evil. The truly good gaze upon everything with love and understanding.”
Have a good week!
Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249
© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

3/25/12 “Startups”

Good day, team.

Last week, I found myself in midtown Manhattan meeting with my new startup clients — six people from different backgrounds, business experiences and living situations, all incredibly pumped up and focused on their new venture. There is nothing like the energy of a startup. It’s equal parts certainty and uncertainty, which puts the people involved in a perpetual state of optimism and fear. It’s life on the razor’s edge. Some days, you’re convinced that everyone will want to buy your product, service or idea, and other days, you wonder how you’re ever going to get this baby off the ground. Where will the money come from? How will you ever get all the work done with so few people? What convinced you that this could work?

Leaving a steady job that seamlessly deposits money into your checking account every two weeks is a tough thing to do, particularly in today’s uncertain job market. The security that comes with that paycheck is often enough to help us ignore the dysfunctionality that occurs in most large companies. How often have you heard someone say, “I really hate this job, but I’m paid so well and have such good benefits that I can’t afford to leave”? The brave souls who leave that security to venture into the unknown territory of a startup almost always feel a combination of burning desire and heartburn.

This week’s challenge is about accessing that startup passion and commitment, regardless of what kind of job or profession you’re engaged in. Here’s an example. One of my current clients — let’s call him Joe — has worked in the same profession for 15 years. He’s really good at what he does and has slowly made his way up in his organization to hold a senior position. Joe is well-known and highly respected in his industry. He also has a growing family that he loves more than anything. Although the demands of his job often sneak into quality time with his family, he has managed to set some healthy boundaries with his boss to maintain a healthy work-life balance. He makes good money, enjoys where he lives and has great friends.

So why did Joe engage a coach? From the outside, his life looks pretty good. However, Joe found himself in that place Dante described so well in the “Inferno”: “Midway upon the journey of my life, I found myself within a forest dark, for the straightforward pathway had been lost.”

Indeed, Joe wondered where he’d lost himself along the way. You could call this a “mid-life crisis. But when I see people at this crossroad in their lives, regardless of their age, I recognize an opportunity to make a fundamental change. To reboot, so to speak, so they can access the passion within them. When the thing that ignites the essential fire within has been lost, finding it again is essential to carrying on.

Startup companies thrive on this kind of creative energy. In fact, it’s often all they have in the beginning. The ability to tap into that passion within oneself is the very thing that helps us make our way out of the dark woods. Like finding our true north again, it’s the compass that guides us away from confusion and doubt and into the light of clarity and new possibilities.

This week, spend some time finding your passion. If many aspects of your job have become stale, think about ways to redesign the way you do things to bring your creativity into your normal routine. How about taking the family some place you’ve never been before? One client I had took his family to Alaska on vacation, after many years of going to the same place on the beach in Mexico. He arranged for them to take a small plane ride to a remote island where they camped and fished for two weeks. He observed that it greatly improved all of their relationships. The kids were excited about learning how to fish and to see bears scooping salmon out of the water. He and his wife rekindled the fire he thought had long ago burnt out. As he watched her hanging hand-washed clothes on a makeshift clothesline by the lake, he saw the woman he so loved and appreciated. As he remarked, “She was just so incredibly beautiful in that moment, it brought tears to my eyes.”

Find what brings that passion back into your life. We can’t all be lucky or brave enough to be involved in a startup, where the nature of the new beginning reconnects us to that spirit of adventure and creativity. But each of us has an opportunity to change our habits just enough to wake up to the beauty around us. That beauty actually exists in every new moment, whether it’s in seeing a fellow teammate in a new way or connecting with a loved one.

Dante wasn’t really lost, he’d just misplaced his ability to see or find the way out. Sometimes the answer is outside of us, and we have to adjust our vision to see it. More often, the answer is inside us, and we have to be courageous enough to embrace it. This week, don’t be afraid to change a habit to allow your passion and commitment to be rekindled.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/18/12 “Effective Interviewing – Part 2”

Good day, team.

As promised, the subject of this week’s challenge is effective interviewing – part 2 — interviewing tips for the candidate.

I think it’s fair to say that interviewing for a job is an experience most people dread. None of us likes to be put on the spot to talk about ourselves, and when we interview for a job, that’s exactly what happens. Many candidates go into an interview filled with fear and loathing, which is not a great way to start. For one thing, it’s impossible to know what to expect because the person interviewing you could take any number of approaches. That’s why it’s best to be prepared and have a good idea of how you’d like to present yourself.

The following suggestions come from feedback given to and from both interviewers (hiring managers) and the interviewees (candidates). I gleaned these tips over many years while working as a recruiter helping companies find the best candidates. Lots of excellent interviewing techniques also can be found on the Internet, http://www.helpguide.org/life/interviewing_techniques_tips_getting_job.htm and I suggest you do some reading before an interview.

Do your research. The most prepared candidates have a much better chance of getting the job. Read up on the company in advance. Find out everything you can about the organization’s financials, product lines, values, executive management team, board of directors, employee experiences, etc. Websites such as LinkedIn can offer good information about the person interviewing you, such as where he or she has worked before, where they went to school, and who they are connected to.

The best interviews start with a strong connection. That invisible thing we call “chemistry” often has the strongest affect on how an interview goes. If you can make a strong emotional connection within the first five minutes of an interview, there’s a better chance that the rest of the interview will go well. Of course, chemistry can’t be determined in advance — you either have it with another person or you don’t. Still, it’s always a good idea to be yourself and try to make a connection right in the beginning.

Allow for small talk. The first three to five minutes of any interview are generally filled with small talk. It’s the chatter we do when we’re initially checking each other out. We make comments about the weather or the adventure we had trying to find the office or how busy we have been leading up to the interview. This small talk gives us a chance to connect when we first arrive, and these first few minutes are very important. Not only do they give the hiring manager his or her first view of you as a human being, but they also give you the chance to get settled in your seat, take a deep breath, and observe what’s around you. Is the interviewer’s desktop filled with papers? Does it look disorganized? Or is it neat as a pin? Is there dust on the furniture? Are there pictures of family members nearby? What’s on the walls? All of these things will tell you something about the person interviewing you. People like to talk about things they can relate to. Observing your interviewer’s environment gives you immediate indications of relevant subjects you can address during the interview, if the need arises.

Come prepared to be proactive in the interview. As a recruiter, I often heard hiring managers complain to me that the candidate seemed to be waiting for them to do all the work in an interview. “They never really asked me any good questions, and they just seemed to sit there waiting for me to ask the next question. Frankly, I couldn’t figure out what made them passionate or why they would want to do this job.” These complaints stem from candidates who don’t take an active role in the interview. Don’t be afraid to ask for more specifics about the job. Ask what the hiring manager’s biggest challenges have been in the past six months. Find out if there was someone in this job previously and ask what made him or her successful. Ask what he or she could have done differently to be more successful in the job.

Don’t be afraid to show your passion. “It’s not the steak that sells, it’s the sizzle.” Whoever said this understood that it’s the sizzle we experience that encourages us to buy. Whether you’re selling brown sugar water, better known as “Coke,” or selling yourself, nothing grabs attention like an impassioned experience or story. If you can get excited talking about how you’d do the job, you’ll get the interviewer excited about you. And don’t be afraid to tell the interviewer that you want the job. If you feel like this is the one, show it and say it. Enthusiasm sells!

Get the job by doing it in the interview. I’ll never forget the feedback I received from a chief financial officer who was interviewing four of my candidates for a controller position at his company. Three out of the four had excellent backgrounds for the job. The first two candidates had been assistant controllers previously for companies in a similar business, and the third had worked for the same public accounting firm the CFO had worked for and had come highly recommended by one of the firm’s partners, who was the CFO’s good friend. The fourth candidate was the weakest on paper, and the CFO came close to not interviewing him at all. But I encouraged him to do so because the fourth candidate was probably the hungriest for the job. And hungry candidates often go into jobs with the most commitment and drive.

After interviewing all the candidates, the CFO came back to me with his feedback and decision. He admitted that after interviewing the first three candidates, the public accounting candidate, who was recommended by his friend, was the top candidate. As he said, “I’ll know what I’m getting if I hire him, and that’s worth a lot to me.” But when the fourth candidate came in, he soon became the chosen candidate even though he had the least experience. This candidate proactively asked the CFO how he wanted to change things in the next six months to help make the finance and accounting departments more effective. When the CFO shared some of his thoughts, the candidate then started making recommendations and brainstorming on the spot. “I felt like he was already working for me, and he was making some great, practical suggestions that I could envision us doing to make things better. I almost told him to put a detailed plan in front of me by next month so we could start implementing the changes until I realized that I hadn’t actually hired him yet!”

Know you’re in a position of strength. Over the years, I’ve seen lots of hiring managers use job interviews as a way of intimidating candidates. Hiring managers often assume that candidates are only going to tell them good things about themselves, so they think they have to trick the candidates into revealing their hidden weaknesses. This approach makes candidates feel weak and defensive. The irony of this situation is that it’s actually the hiring managers who are in the weakest position. They have the opening and not enough people to get the work done. They have the problem, and you could be the solution. Most candidates who have made it to an interview have the upper hand because they have many of the skills that the hiring manager needs to solve the problem. So go into the interview with confidence.

Don’t brag, but don’t be afraid to crow. No one likes to hear anyone brag about what they’ve done, but talking about your achievements is appreciated. The best way for an interviewer to learn more about your achievements is for you to describe them. Your tone of voice and facial expressions will say it all. When we’re proud of what we’ve done, we tend to light up when we talk about it, and that level of inspiration is often what makes the difference between a memorable candidate and a ho-hum candidate. Once you’ve done it a few times, your fear of crowing about yourself will diminish and you’ll get over the fear of speaking about your accomplishments in a positive way.

Most important, be present. Don’t forget that we make the greatest impression on others when we can be present with them. People love when they receive another person’s undivided attention. It shows respect and demonstrates your ability to actively listen. Nothing is more disturbing to an interviewer than realizing that a candidate isn’t listening or didn’t hear a question because he or she was thinking about something else. And if you try to answer what you think you were asked but get it wrong, you may end up looking pretty foolish. Being present in an interview means releasing what you thought might happen so that you can experience what actually is happening.

I hope these suggested interview techniques will help those of you out there who are experiencing the fear and loathing of job interviews. It’s a daunting process, but with a brave heart, some good advance preparation and the ability to put some of these suggestions to work during an interview, you might just land that next exciting job.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.