Category: Coach’s Challenge

5/2/11 “Nature”

Good day, team.

Today the sun is shining. The temperature is 68 degrees. Wildflowers are out in
abundance; acres of yellow, pink and purple fill my field of vision. I am so
happy to experience this wealth of nature after so many months of cold rain that I cannot stay inside to write this challenge. So, I will do what I encourage all of you to do this week: go outside, be in nature, smell the flowers, feel the
sun on your skin, take your shoes off and feel the grass under your feet,
commune with the wonderful world of nature in whatever way possible.

And enjoy it!

Have a good week.

Kathleen

Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/25/11 “Ceremony and Celebration”

Good day, team.

Maybe it’s the upcoming marriage of the future King of England or the emerging buds on our lilac bushes, but this week, I am reminded of the importance of celebration, ceremony and new beginnings. Spring and summer are the time of year when the ceremony of marriage often takes place, and we most often experience new beginnings. We mark the new beginning for the bride and groom by creating an event that sanctifies and celebrates their union. Many other types of ceremonies mark some aspect of change in our lives, and this week’s challenge is about taking the time to acknowledge them.

We often think of change as just one thing, but it is, in fact, three things: an ending, a transition and a beginning. When something comes to end, we need to release it. Then there’s a period of transition that is often disorienting and scary because we’re not sure what we’re moving toward. Eventually, a new beginning occurs. This happens with the budding of the leaves on the trees; it happens with the rising of the sun each day; it happens to us as we move into new phases of our lives. How do we acknowledge these changes and, in particular, the events that significantly impact our lives?

Since the beginning of the year, we’ve seen so many powerful events: the uprisings in Egypt and other countries in the Middle East, the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the recent tornadoes in the Midwest — all of these events have created enormous changes in the way people live their lives. It’s easy to concentrate on the tragedies that occur in these times of change, but what about the new beginnings they create? Last evening, I watched a short film about a Japanese man who has rebuilt a small hut for his family to live in after losing everything in the tsunami. Having just finished the front door of his new home, he had his family join him inside. They gathered around him as he lit a candle and placed it in the middle of the floor and prayed to the Buddha. He expressed his gratitude for having a roof over his head and a family that was still alive and well. I was moved by his courage and appreciation in the midst of such a meager beginning.

Big life events force lots of readjustment. In each case, it is important to acknowledge the end of one way of life and embrace a new way. Celebrating or creating a ceremony for these events seems appropriate and also very helpful to the people experiencing the greatest change.

We also can celebrate our good fortune. Most companies have rewards and recognition programs that give teams the opportunity to celebrate their successes, often with a ceremony or some type of ritual to honor those who have gone above and beyond their normal work requirements to contribute significantly to the success of the business and their team. The importance of these events has been proven time after time in studies of team dynamics and motivation. People love to be recognized for doing a good job and taking the time to celebrate their success goes a long way toward continuing to motivate them.

Your challenge this week is to acknowledge the changes that have occurred in your life recently and to create some form of celebration or ceremony as you move from one part of the change to another. We often think of celebrating as involving many people, but these rituals can be quite small and intimate. Perhaps you can light a candle for someone who has recently died and take a few moments to contemplate his or her passing. Maybe you are close to a person who has had a baby or is sending a son or daughter off to college for the first time. Maybe you could take someone who’s recently changed jobs out to lunch to celebrate the new venture. These events deserve some form of acknowledgment that helps the people who are most affected move from what used to be to what is now. In your workplace, see if you have rightfully acknowledged your team members recently. Have you taken the time to celebrate their successes and to thank them publicly for doing such a good job?

Life often asks us to make a rite of passage. Our ability to do this is much more meaningful when we share in ceremony or celebration with others as we move toward a new beginning.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/18/11 “Stories”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about the stories we tell ourselves and others. I recently had an experience of my own storytelling that illustrates the theme of this challenge.

A few Sundays ago when the sun was shining brightly and the air was clean and crisp, my husband and I embarked on a 2 1/2 mile hike not far from our ranch in the Columbia River Gorge. It’s a well known trek, which ultimately leads to an old grove of cherry trees, and although it’s not far as the crow flies, you spend much of your time ascending many feet up rocky hillsides on switchbacks and steep trail. In one spot, because of landslides, you have to pick your way through piles of rock that have nestled into the hillsides — some permanently and some precariously.

I approached the hike with trepidation. I’ve had a bad right knee for many years, and since my early 20s when I had surgery for it, I’ve always had knee pain with strenuous exercise. Now, having had surgery again on my knee last November, I’ve been working to rehabilitate it, and this hike would be its first big test. As we took our first few steps at the trailhead, I looked anxiously around for a branch that could be my walking stick. Once I found it, I felt reassured that I could do the hike.

It didn’t take long before I tired and began to hear the same old story in my head about how I wouldn’t be able to make it. “You can’t do this, your knee’s not in good enough shape. You don’t have the lung capacity since you never exercise. See how far ahead your husband is on the trail? Well, of course — he doesn’t have bad knees and is probably irritated that he has to keep stopping to wait for you. You shouldn’t even be out here.” On and on and on, my internal thoughts kept telling me a story about how I would fail if I continued. Still, I trudged on up the hillside, determined to do the hike.

After a few hours, most of the hike had been accomplished and my husband and I were coming down the hillside. David was telling me how proud he was of me for having accomplished the hike. I felt light on my feet and happy that we had seen such beautiful sights along the way. We decided to stop and take a short nap in an oak grove that was sheltered from the wind, and the sun warmed us as we lay down to rest. I felt a wonderful sense of exhilaration and suddenly realized that my knee didn’t hurt at all. What a surprise! I hadn’t been able to take a hike without my knee hurting since I was a teenager, and here I was, bounding down the hillside like that same young girl who used to be so active.

More important, I realized the story I had been telling myself all these years about my knee was no longer true. My knee is fine now. I came to see that all those thoughts and voices trying to tell me otherwise were just a waste of energy. I felt completely liberated in that moment from all of the stories that I’ve told myself and others about my knee. The story about how I originally injured it was one I didn’t have to tell anymore. The stories about what I could or couldn’t do for physical exercise were no longer true. I didn’t have to tell myself or anyone else anything at all about my knee. In fact, people wouldn’t even be asking me anymore because I could walk normally and didn’t have to complain about how much my knee hurt. What a relief!

Later, in the car driving back to the ranch, I spoke with my husband about my realization. We both talked about how strange it is that we often get so accustomed to telling a particular story to ourselves and others that even after it’s no longer true, we continue to talk about it as though it is.

This week, try observing the stories you tell yourself and others that are not true. Maybe things have changed in your relationship with someone and yet you still talk about that person as though things haven’t changed at all. I remember talking about my father a few months after he’d died as though he was still in the room with me. I eventually realized the story I was telling about him occurred 10 years earlier, and I was talking about him as though he were still alive. I didn’t need to tell that story anymore. In fact, I honored him more by not telling the story and accepting that he had moved on.

Perhaps you tell yourself stories about people you work with that are no longer true. We all change, and when we tell stories about others as if they haven’t changed at all, we also prevent ourselves from seeing others anew. Notice if you tell people stories that degrade yourself or others. Maybe these stories don’t serve anyone, least of all yourself, and only convince you of things that aren’t true.

Whatever the case, try observing your stories and see if you can stop telling the ones that are no longer true. You may find you can do some things that your stories have tried to tell you weren’t possible. Or, you may begin to see others differently when you stop telling the same old stories about them. If you’re like me, you’ll experience a moment of liberation when you realize that your stories don’t have to restrict you any longer. In fact, you can create a new story that sets you free!

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/11/11 “Poetry”

Good day, team.

It’s April again and that means it’s National Poetry Month. In celebration, I’d like to offer you poetry to challenge your mind and fill your heart. As Johann Goethe said, “A man should hear a little music, read a little poetry and see a fine picture every day of his life in order that worldly cares do not obliterate the sense of the beautiful which God has implanted in the human soul.” Your challenge is to find a poem that speaks to you, inspires you and connects you with all and everything.

Here are some of my favorites:

Loaves and Fishes

This is not
the age of information.

This is not
the age of information.

Forget the news,
and the radio,
and the blurred screen.

This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.

People are hungry
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.

— David Whyte

Mockingbirds

This morning
two mockingbirds
in the green field
were spinning and tossing

the white ribbons
of their songs
into the air.
I had nothing

better to do
than listen.
I mean this
seriously.

In Greece,
a long time ago,
an old couple
opened their door

to two strangers
who were,
it soon appeared,
not men at all,

but gods.
It is my favorite story —
how the old couple
had almost nothing to give

but their willingness
to be attentive —
but for this alone
the gods loved them

and blessed them —
when they rose
out of their mortal bodies,
like a million particles of water

from a fountain,
the light
swept into all the corners
of the cottage,

and the old couple,
shaken with understanding,
bowed down —
but still they asked for nothing

but the difficult life
which they had already.
And the gods smiled, as they vanished,
clapping their great wings.

Wherever it was
I was supposed to be
this morning —
whatever it was I said

I would be doing —
I was standing
at the edge of the field —
I was hurrying

through my own soul,
opening its dark doors —
I was leaning out;
I was listening.

— Mary Oliver

The Soul Bone

Once I said I didn’t have a spiritual bone
in my body and meant by that
I didn’t want to think of death,
as though any bone in us
could escape it. Maybe
I was afraid of what I couldn’t know
for certain, a thud like the slamming
of a coffin lid, as final and inexplicable
as that. What was the soul anyway,
I wondered, but a homonym for loneliness?
Now, in late middle age, or more, I like to imagine it,
the spirit, the soul bone, as though it were hidden
somewhere inside my body, white as a tooth
that falls from a child’s mouth, a dove,
the cloud it can fly through. Like bones,
it persists. Little knot of self, stubborn
as wildflowers in a Chilmark field in autumn,
the white ones they call boneset, for healing,
or the others, pearly everlasting.
The rabbis of the Midrash believed in the bone
and called it the luz, just like the Spanish word
for light, the size of a chickpea or an almond,
depending on which rabbi was telling the story,
found, they said, at the top of the spine or the base,
depending. No one’s ever seen it, of course,
but sometimes at night I imagine I can feel it,
shining its light through my body, the bone
luminous, glowing in the dark. Sometimes,
if you listen, you might even hear that light
deep inside me, humming its brave little song.

— Susan Wood

Please feel free to share any of your favorite poems this month on my blog.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.



4/4/11 “Civility via Modesty”

Good day, team.

This week, I’m happy to send the second part of what I wanted to share about the subject of civility. The following comes from John Limb, the publisher at Oregon Catholic Press (OCP) here in Portland. After reading an editorial written by David Brooks in our local newspaper, John was quite impressed with how Brooks wrote about civility via modesty. Here are John’s comments and an excerpt from the editorial:

“The following is an excerpt from an editorial written by David Brooks as it appeared in a Saturday issue of The Oregonian a few months ago. It is excellent — perhaps the best editorial Brooks has ever written. Its subject is civility via modesty. While directed primarily at politicians, I think Brooks’ advice is good counsel for anyone in a leadership position. I recommend you read the whole editorial, but I especially like the following excerpt:

‘Every sensible person involved in politics and public life knows that his or her work is laced with failure. Every column, every speech, every piece of legislation and every executive decision has its own humiliating shortcomings. There are always arguments you should have made better, implications you should have anticipated, other points of view you should have taken on board. Moreover, even if you are at your best, your efforts will still be laced with failure. The truth is fragmentary, and it’s impossible to capture all of it. There are competing goods that can never be fully reconciled. The world is more complicated than any human intelligence can comprehend. But every sensible person in public life also feels redeemed by others. You may write a mediocre column or make a mediocre speech or propose a mediocre piece of legislation, but others argue with you, correct you and introduce elements you never thought of. Each of these efforts may also be flawed, but together, if the system is working well, they move things gradually forward. Each individual step may be imbalanced, but in succession, they make the social organism better. As a result, every sensible person feels a sense of gratitude for this process. We all get to live lives better than we deserve because our individual shortcomings are transmuted into communal improvement. We find meaning — and can only find meaning — in the role we play in that larger social enterprise.’

“I particularly like Brooks’ comment that ‘even if you are at your best, your efforts will still be laced with failure.’ That’s why we need one another to do our best work. That’s why we have co-workers to help us be the best we can be, both as individuals and as a company. I have been publisher at OCP for more than 18 years now. As OCP’s chief executive, I can certainly attest to this — both professionally and personally. These are good words to consider whenever we think we have all the answers or have the best answer or can’t possibly be wrong. As Brooks says, we are all ‘redeemed by others …We all get to live lives better than we deserve because our individual shortcomings are transmuted into communal improvement.’ May we all have the modesty to realize and accept this truth.”

Your challenge this week is to think about how important your co-workers are and show them your gratitude. Consider how often they help you become a better manager or offer you a suggestion that makes your life easier or create a new process that lightens your load. Realize how often your thoughts and ideas are only one piece of a much larger puzzle that could never be solved without the help of others. Be grateful for all the times you’ve made a mistake and there’s someone right by your side willing to help you out of the mess you’ve created. Thank your teammates for being there to support you and forgive your failures.

Understand that civility comes from the modesty to know that we cannot do any of this alone. Let yourself be “redeemed” by the people around you.

My special thanks to John Limb for allowing me to publish his thoughts about the editorial. He inspires many of us who are fortunate enough to work with him with his wisdom and dedication to servant leadership.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/28/11 “Civility”

Good day, team.

This past week, I had the delightful experience of traveling to Vancouver, B.C., to visit a client. I’m particularly fond of Vancouver, so I intentionally arrived a day early to enjoy the city.

As in past visits, I was struck by the friendliness of the Canadians and how helpful they are, especially to travelers. From the fellow who helped me buy my ticket for public transport to the woman in the elevator at my hotel who introduced herself as one of the staff, handed me her card and offered to assist me in any way she could, I was delighted by each encounter. I found the same attitude in the meetings with my client. Each person I spoke with was friendly and welcoming. They were respectful and courteous in their demeanor.

These experiences made an impression on me, and I realized it’s because so many people in this day and age seem to have lost their civility, along with the graciousness that generally accompanies it. To define “civil,” I refer to two definitions:

1.

Adhering to the norms of polite social intercourse; not deficient in common courtesy
2.

Marked by benevolence — “He was a very civil sort; we liked him immediately.”

So many people seem to have lost the value for what it means to be civil when communicating with others. In today’s world, we hear people use swear words on a daily basis. Many programs on television and radio focus on violence and negativity (watch or listen to any of the talk show hosts and you’ll be appalled by the lack of civility and humanity). The way many people relate to one another is void of grace and eloquence. I remember my father saying to my sister and me, “Try to keep a civil tongue in your head.” But that’s not a phrase I hear any longer.

One thing I remember strongly about our annual visits to see my grandparents in Boston is the civil tone that was always used in their household. My father’s father was a lawyer, and listening to him speak about almost any subject was a delight. He read Latin and Greek and was extremely well versed in classical literature. Consequently, he had an extensive vocabulary and was an accomplished orator. My grandmother, also well educated, occasionally would spice up the conversations by adding a ribald (but never vulgar) comment now and again just to “get his goat,” as my grandfather said. She’d get a chuckle from the rest of the dinner guests. Sunday dinner at their home was always a somewhat formal affair but not without warmth and humor. The entire event had an air of civility and graciousness that I often try to recreate in my own family dinners.

Visiting my mother’s parents in Maine was a very different experience, but no less in its graciousness. My maternal grandparents were more down to earth and approachable. My grandfather, Pearl Woodbury, or “Woody” as he was affectionately called, always had a smile and a helping hand for everyone. The sparkle in his blue eyes and ever-present sense of humor were known to all. He and my grandmother had a loving way of being together, and they showered grace on their family and friends. I never heard my grandfather say a bad word about anyone, and he was always civil in his tone and interactions.

These people raised my parents to be civically minded; that is, with the understanding that doing one’s civic duty and helping the community was a requirement of those more fortunate than others. Although my mother’s family was not wealthy by any means, they had strong values and extended their help whenever they could to friends and community members in need. I realize now that this made them richer than many people I’ve known who have much greater material wealth.

Both of my parents were always active in our community and church, wherever we lived. It made them happier and better people to be able to extend themselves to others, and they made every attempt to be courteous and respectful to others, just like the Canadians did for me this past week.

These ideas of civility and graciousness may seem a bit outdated. But, even in today’s world, I see that a person who shows a strong sense of civility and graciousness in their dealings with others is highly respected.

Your challenge this week is to think about how civil you are in your speech and actions. Would others describe you as gracious? How about the way you communicate with others in meetings and social events? Do they see you as a bully or vulgar? And do you extend yourself to others? Do you involve yourself in community activities that serve others? This week, try being more civil in your conversations. See if you can find ways to extend yourself with grace and warmth.

In closing, I share one of my favorite quotes about civility from the country singer, Emmylou Harris. She said, “As citizens, we have to be more thoughtful and more educated and more informed. I turn on the TV, and I see these grown people screaming at each other, and I think, ‘Well, if we don’t get our civility back, we’re in trouble.’ ”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/21/11 “Design Thinking”

Good day, team.

I wrote this week’s challenge in 2008 after reading an article in the Harvard Business Review titled “Design Thinking” by Tim Brown, CEO and president of IDEO, an innovation and design firm in Palo Alto, Calif. It’s as relevant today as it was then.

Here’s how the article starts:

“Thomas Edison created the electric light bulb and then wrapped an entire industry around it. The light bulb is most often thought of as his signature invention, but Edison understood that the bulb was little more than a parlor trick without a system of electric power generation and transmission to make it truly useful. So he created that, too.

“Thus, Edison’s genius lay in his ability to conceive of a fully developed marketplace, not simply a discrete device. He was able to envision how people would want to use what he made, and he engineered toward that insight.

“Edison’s approach was an early example of ‘design thinking’—a methodology that imbues the full spectrum of innovation activities with a human-centered design ethos. By this I mean that innovation is powered by a thorough understanding, through direct observation of what people want and need in their lives and what they like or dislike about the way particular products are made, packaged, marketed, sold and supported.”

Brown’s observations got me thinking about people who design great products and the particular approach they take in the design process. In the article, Brown points out five characteristics most typical of designers.

The first is empathy. Good designers can imagine the world from many different perspectives and are acutely aware of details that others don’t see. It’s always about people first and how others will experience (feel, think about and use) their product.

The second is integrative thinking. Good designers can analyze what’s needed and also consider all the contradictory perspectives that might confound them. They create novel solutions to go beyond and dramatically improve the existing alternatives.

Third, they are optimistic. They believe that at least one of their solutions will work and improve upon anything that currently exists.

Fourth, they constantly experiment and explore new possibilities.

And fifth, they often work in a variety of disciplines, never taking just one approach. They are not only engineers but can think like marketers, psychologists and anthropologists. They involve themselves with other specialists to expand their view of the world.

Certainly, we are not all designers by trade or inclination. But for anyone in business, whether you produce light bulbs or provide a service, creating something that people want to buy and use is the name of the game. I think we can all use Brown’s suggestions as a guide for creating better products and services.

Your challenge this week is to consider these five characteristics and see if you can apply them to your work. Maybe you’re a manager trying to think of a new way to motivate your team members. Can you design an activity that would inspire them? Have you considered what they would experience while doing the exercise?

Perhaps you’re working on a new product, and you haven’t really looked at it from a marketer’s point of view. Asking your marketing associates how they would promote your product might give you the perspective you need, even if it contradicts your original design ideas.

Say you’re a product marketing professional. Don’t forget to include your engineers from the get-go if you want to deliver a successful product. Are you convinced that your innovative ideas will be useful to others? If not, why would anyone else be convinced? Quite simply, have you actually used the product or service you’re offering? Try it out so that you know exactly what it feels like.

Everywhere we look, we see problems that can be solved through innovation: energy usage, healthcare, world poverty, to mention a few. Brown writes, “These problems all have people at their heart. They require a human-centered, creative, iterative and practical approach to finding the best ideas and ultimate solutions.”

This week, try taking a more people-centric approach to solving problems and use empathy, integrative thinking, optimism, experimentation and a variety of disciplines to help you innovate.

Have a great week,

Kathleen

Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000167 EndHTML:0000000833 StartFragment:0000000454 EndFragment:0000000817

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/14/11 “Remembering What’s Important”

Good day, Team.

This week, I can’t help but reflect upon the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Sometimes I wonder if the size of a tragedy proportionately influences our humanity. Do disasters like this have to keep happening to wake us up and remind us of what’s important? How it is that I’ve almost forgotten about the oil spill that happened just last year? or the earthquake in Haiti? What is it in our thinking that so quickly forgets? And how is it that in our day-to-day lives, we fuss and fight and strike out at one another when instead we could be appreciating all of the good things in our lives?

This week’s challenge is about remembering what’s important. Last week I found myself embroiled in an internal struggle that was all too familiar: worrying about what others think of me. I know there’s no way I can control what others think of me. Goodness knows I can barely control my own thoughts, let alone someone else’s. In reality what others think and say about me is a projection of what they think about themselves — so worrying about it is not very productive. However, I’m also aware that this affliction is quite common, and that it’s the rare person who doesn’t spend time worrying about what others think of them.

As I was struggling last week, with my monkey mind jumping from limb to limb pondering this topic, screeching at me and demanding my attention, I heard about the earthquake and everything stopped. In that moment, I was completely still inside. That stillness produced a sacred moment for me. I felt the suffering of thousands of Japanese people whose lives were changed forever, and I thought of what’s important to me: the people I love and the quality of the life I’m leading. These thoughts catapulted me into a state of gratitude and prayer. This kind of earth-shattering news causes me to pause and feel for others who are experiencing loss and devastation. It also fills me with gratitude for what I have and the safety of my own surroundings.

Each day this week, spend some time remembering what’s most important to you. Try not to let your thoughts of blame, resentment, worry and dissatisfaction take over. Try not to complain or speak against yourself or others. Allow yourself to appreciate the world and people around you, and don’t forget to let them know it. Give thanks for the abundance we have in our lives and take a few moments to reflect on our good fortune. And when all else fails, remember that love is universal and always here.

In that vein, I offer a variation of I Corinthians, 13: 4-13 from the Bible. These words remind me of what’s truly important:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I talked as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Have a good week!
Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/7/11 “Self-Compassion”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge sprouted from an article I read last week in the New York Times, “Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges,” by Tara Parker-Pope.

She opens the article with the question, “Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?” She goes to say how research shows that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health.

This same idea became apparent to me years ago when I attended a weekend meditation retreat with Sylvia Boorstein, a wonderful meditation teacher who was focusing that day on “metta.”

In Buddhist philosophy, metta is often translated as “compassion” or “loving kindness.” The great meditation teacher Henepola Gunaratana maha tera has called it “loving friendliness.” This attitude focuses on friendliness, compassion and concern for the wellness of others. Metta is not something everyone has automatically. It is an aspect of thought that must be developed through meditation.

Within minutes of sitting with Sylvia, it became apparent that she had a different take on how we could develop metta in regards to others. What she really wanted us to do was first create it for ourselves. I remember her saying, “You can sit on your backside for years trying to cultivate more compassion for others, but if you don’t experience it toward yourself, you will continue to fail.” This idea was surprising to me. I had not thought about the importance of creating loving kindness toward myself. In fact, I often regarded myself as a familiar stranger, and, more often than not, I experienced a lot of judgment and blame toward myself.

During the retreat, we did a number of meditative exercises that created a lovely state of inner love and peace that I had rarely experienced. The more my meditation focused on self-compassion, the more I was able to be compassionate toward others. It was like learning how to exercise a muscle that hadn’t been used before. Once it became stronger, my ability to use it not just for myself but for others was the beginning of feeling a greater state of compassion for all living beings.

However, when I first practiced metta meditation toward myself, it felt a little selfish. It seemed too self-indulgent. It wasn’t until I experienced a major health scare years later that I realized the importance of allowing myself to drop down into that incredible well of love that existed within me. I learned to appreciate how much it could truly heal me from the inside out. By allowing myself to love myself, I was able to experience that state of love and compassion on a daily basis, and in turn, it was much more accessible to me for giving to others.

In her article, Parker-Pope references several research studies on self-compassion with interesting results. Most doctors and self-help books suggest that developing more willpower and self-discipline are the keys to better health. However, new research shows that creating self-discipline as a result of self-criticism only leads people further into a state of anxiety and depression. People who score high on tests related to self-compassion have less depression and anxiety. These people tend to be happier and more optimistic.

However, self-criticism resulting in various disciplines for self-improvement is deeply rooted in American culture, so it can be a challenging habit to break.

In the book “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind” Dr. Kristin Neff writes, “Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation. The reason you won’t let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you.”

Jean Fain, a psychotherapist and teaching associate at Harvard Medical School writes, “Self-compassion is the missing ingredient in every diet and weight-loss plan. Most plans revolve around self-discipline, self-deprivation and neglect.”

This quote reminds me of all the times I’ve told myself I couldn’t eat something and within days found myself stuffing my mouth with that very thing. Then the amount of guilt and self-recrimination I experienced afterward took days to recover from and left me with a profound feeling of failure.

This week, try giving yourself a break from all the internal thoughts and feelings of judgment, blame and self-hatred. How about spending some quiet time thinking of all the good things you did this past week for others? How about taking a compassion break just like you would a coffee break? Spend a moment or two saying to yourself, “I’m going to be kind to myself in this moment.”

Try patting yourself on the back for something you’ve done well this week or for having a good conversation with someone. Free your mind from the inner voice that says, “You made of fool of yourself” or “You could have done a much better job” or “That was a stupid thing to say.” Don’t hold onto those thoughts and allow them to rule your state of mind. Instead, tell yourself, “I am not inadequate but actually just as I am: human, loving and kind.”

You might just find that you feel better about yourself as well as others.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

2/28/11 “Adaptability”

Good day, team.

This weekend, we found ourselves at our home in the Columbia River Gorge, where the temperature was 11 degrees, with no electricity. Fortunately, our wood stove kept the temperature in parts of the house at about 60 degrees, and because we have solar panels, our refrigerator, freezer and some light switches continued to function. This situation brought couple thoughts to mind. One, we live in a world dominated by conveniences that constantly serve our needs. Second, when we find ourselves without those conveniences, we become inventive, and often lifelong memories are created.

Human beings are highly adaptable, and when the going gets tough, we tend to rise to the occasion. Case in point: when I realized I would soon run out of hot water, I immediately put a large pot of water on top of the wood stove. This may not seem very inventive, but what I noticed is that I never gave it a second thought. I just instinctively did it. My husband was already piling extra wood by the stove so we could keep the temperature in the house consistent. I began to think about ways I could cook dinner with only my gas burners working or what we could make on the wood-fired oven outdoors. These alternatives to our usual routines just came to us naturally.

Herein lies this week’s challenge. Consider what you would do to keep the home fires burning if your modern conveniences were unavailable. How long has it been since you lost electricity and had to be more inventive in dealing with your daily life? Have you forgotten what it’s like to be without a computer or a television or some other electronic devise for a few hours or days? Have you gone without your car for a day or two, or had to rely on your fireplace or wood stove to heat your home? When was the last time you had to walk home because your car broke down? I’m not suggesting that you create some problem to test how adaptable you can be, but I am asking you to consider what you would do if something did occur that forced you to give up some of your conveniences.

When I was a child, we lived in places with extreme weather. During a bad winter storm, we would camp out by the living room fireplace with our sleeping bags and pillows, huddled together to stay warm, telling stories by the firelight. Sometimes in the summer, it was so hot at night that it was impossible to sleep upstairs, and we would bunk out on the porch. These childhood memories are some of my most vivid. What many adults consider to be major inconveniences, children often see as grand adventures.

This week, consider how you would live if you lost most of your day-to-day conveniences. Perhaps you will take time to store up on food and water in your pantry. Maybe you will purchase a good oil lamp for use when you have no electrical light. Think about what you might have to do at work if you lose power or people are stranded for a few days because of a storm. Most companies have business resumption plans that collect dust on the shelves because no one really thinks about them until a disaster hits. How will you adapt if you have to come up with alternatives to supporting yourself and others around you?

Try seeing the loss of convenience through a child’s eyes; instead of it being bothersome, think of it as an adventure. Get creative, and you might find it creates a memory you will never forget.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.