Category: Coach’s Challenge

7/11/11 “New Workplace”

Good day, team.

This week, I’d like to offer an information graphic that was sent to me by Warren Cree, a product marketing professional who often shares his professional wisdom with me.

Warren discovered this piece on a website called Future of Real Estate Marketing. Titled, “New Workstyle,” the infographic shows how work styles have changed over the past 20 years.

Your challenge this week is to choose one thing from the “old” list that applies to your work life and replace it with one thing from the “new” list.

I hope the graphic comes across when posted. I think it’s cool!

Have a good week,

Kathleen

7/4/11 “Freedom”

Good day, team.

Every year around the Fourth of July, I’m compelled to write about freedom. When I think about all the people in the world who are enslaved in one way or another, I cannot imagine how terrifying it must be imprisoned or in forced servitude to another. We are so fortunate for the basic freedoms we enjoy. However, despite our many personal freedoms, many of us are still imprisoned in our internal worlds — which can be scary in its own way.

I have the greatest sense of freedom when I’m not bogged down by negative thoughts and fears. It’s not always easy, but sometimes when I’m obsessed with this or that, a calm voice inside my head will step in and advise me that the story I’m telling myself isn’t true. When thoughts awaken me in the night, the same voice tells me to go back to sleep or to just let go. When I’m able to observe my thoughts in this way and not get caught in their net, I am truly free.

Many of my coaching clients have heard me say, “The part of you that can see the thoughts and feelings is not of them.” This idea may sound strange, but I’ve found true freedom in this perspective. For example, when I took my first Vipassana meditation course (10 days of complete silence and meditation), I began to notice that thoughts would come up, seemingly out of nowhere. They arrived and if I focused on them, they would become louder and louder until eventually they would take up all of my attention.

Sometimes, my pulse would speed up, and I would become angry or sad or happy. Before long, I would realize I was no longer meditating because my thoughts and emotions had overtaken me.

But if I just observed the thoughts as they came up and didn’t give them any energy, they kept right on going. What a surprise this was! Thoughts can rise up and then actually pass away, as if they never happened. What a revelation it was for me to see that there was a way out of the prison of my own thoughts. I eventually learned to just watch the whole show of thoughts and feelings rise up and pass away.

This psychological freedom has literally saved me. At one point in my life I was experiencing tremendous jealousy and rage. I felt like I could bear it no longer, so I went to the ocean with every intention of ending my life. As I walked into the warm salt water, it embraced me, and I felt even more convinced that this was the only way to end my suffering.

Then I stepped on something sharp — a broken shell or rock — and as I raised my foot out of the water to see if my toe had been cut, I saw myself clearly. I was suddenly aware that I was worried about a cut on my toe while I was in the process of trying to end it all. In that moment of absurdity, everything became quiet. The terrorizing thoughts stopped, and I was just there with my foot in my hand, looking out at the horizon on a gorgeous South Florida summer day, with the sun glistening on the magnificent blue-green water.

This week, try experiencing your freedom by not succumbing to thoughts and feelings that do not serve you. Sure, they will rise up, but if you don’t fuel them, they will pass away. I’m not saying to ignore them or force them away, but with your gentle presence, just observe them and allow the observer to be your focus. They may be loud or soft, resentful or boastful, angry or sad. You may find there’s quite a drama going on in your mind once you start witnessing it. It’s like when you are sitting on the couch watching TV — just watch. Try not to become the character you’re watching or get embroiled in the play. Be the observer of the drama, not the drama itself. Give yourself the gift of freedom by choosing not to let your inner state enslave you. Instead, try watching it all with a sense of equanimity and peace.

After 20 years of imprisonment, Nelson Mandela walked to freedom. About that day, he wrote,

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/27/11 “Commitment”

Good day, team.

The subject of commitment keeps coming up in my coaching sessions lately, so I thought I would offer some thoughts on the topic this week.

Many years ago, I participated in a management training called “Situational Leadership.” The course introduced me to the idea that a person’s work life is really made up of two things: commitment and competency. At any given time, in any situation, you can diagnose how well team members are doing based on how committed they are to the work and how competent they are in performing that work. This idea makes sense to me. In coaching others, I can plainly see that, in some cases, people love the work they do and need little or no motivation from their manager to continue doing it.

However, there are some tasks that people don’t enjoy at all, and they often need an extra push from their manager to get them done. When faced with these tasks, people frequently get stuck and their competency decreases. But when doing what they love, the same people sail right through an assignment and even ask for more of that work when they are done.

Consequently, managers need to provide different styles of management depending on what their team members are doing. If a person’s commitment level decreases, he or she probably needs more emotional support. If his or her competency flags, he or she most likely needs more direct instruction.

Through my coaching experience, I have seen how important it is for managers to be versatile in their management styles. The most successful managers first observe how their team members are doing and then use the style that gets the best results for each individual team member in each particular situation. Managers who fail tend to use the same style over and over again and aren’t observant or versatile enough to change how they manage others.

The worst managers judge their team members based on only one or two situations and then label them as being either uncommitted or having low competence, if not both. These managers have difficulty seeing their team members in any other light, and the individual is then doomed to fail. I have heard some managers make comments like, “He’s always so slow in getting stuff done,” or “Why doesn’t he communicate more effectively with others? No matter how many times I try to help him, he just doesn’t get it!” These comments are red flags to me.

I have learned that in the areas of commitment and competency, it’s fairly easy to direct someone to be more competent. If you want someone to use a computer more effectively, you can sit down with them and direct them through step-by-step instructions. But getting a team member to want to learn how to use the computer — or increase their commitment level — is a different matter. Management by support is much more difficult.

Lack of versatility in an individual manager’s style extends to the teams they manage. Most teams tend to take on the personality and behavior characteristics of the person who leads them, so when a manager lacks versatility, the team does also. Eventually, these teams are unable to commit, and ultimately, people disengage. Without an emotional connection to the project or the manager, people lose the energy it takes to get results.

In “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team,” Patrick Lencioni gives excellent descriptions of teams that fail to commit and those that commit. Here’s what he says:

A team that fails to commit …

*

Creates ambiguity among the team about direction and priorities
*

Watches windows of opportunity close because of excessive analysis and unnecessary delay
*

Breeds lack of confidence and fear of failure
*

Revisits discussions and decisions again and again
*

Encourages second-guessing among team members

A team that commits …

*

Creates clarity around direction and priorities
*

Aligns the entire team around common objectives
*

Develops an ability to learn from mistakes
*

Takes advantage of opportunities before competitors do
*

Moves forward without hesitation
*

Changes direction without hesitation or guilt

This week, if you manage others, ask yourself if you’re versatile in your management style. Do you direct people when they need it? Or do you offer them more emotional support when their commitment wanes? Do you know how to diagnose how your people are doing in any given situation? Do you see what’s really challenging them? Do you know when to let them do what they love with only an occasional check in to make sure they’re on track?

Read through what Lencioni says about committed teams and ask yourself in which category your team falls into. If you’ve never taken a management course that gives you more tools for dealing with your team members, sign up for one. We don’t automatically have these skills — we need to learn them.

If you’re not a manager but work for one who continues to use the same style over and over again, try being more clear about what you actually need from him or her. Do you need more clear instruction or do you need some extra encouragement by being told you’re doing a good job once in awhile?

As Lencioni points out, successful managers ensure team commitment by taking steps to maximize clarity and achieve buy-in. Ask yourself this week how committed you are to what you’re doing. If you’re into it, then keep going. If you’re not, find out what you need to do to reconnect to the work within yourself. And if you’re managing others, be versatile enough to see what the team needs to succeed.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/20/11 “Fathers and Leaders”

Good day, team.

Today is Father’s Day, and although I’m not fond of how we’ve commercialized these “Hallmark holidays,” I do think that honoring our fathers is an important tradition in any culture.

This week, I’ve been thinking about fatherhood and leadership and the similarities between the two. A father is the male head of a family, and a leader is someone who is the oldest or most venerable of a group. Both roles require certain sacrifices that we often don’t acknowledge.

My father played both of these roles. He was head of household, authority figure, teacher and intellectual inspiration, moderator, and corporate executive — all rolled into one. I never understood how lonely he was in many of these roles until he was much older and finally told me. He said he often felt excluded from the rest of the family. He never had a son, and he was surrounded by a succession of wives and daughters, who saw him as essential in his role as provider but deficient in his ability to emotionally relate to us. He was the quintessential “Mad Men” character from the 1950s who followed all the rules that society defined for him. But he cheated where he had to in order to appease an inner life that was angry about his compliance and constant servitude. We, of course, just accepted him by thinking that this was the way dads were and often took him for granted.

As the chief executive in a company, he often experienced loneliness at the top. Final decisions were left to him, and he longed for greater support from others but was not always able to ask for it. I remember him saying once, “When you realize that all 520 employees rely on you everyday to ensure that they take home a paycheck to support their families, it weighs heavily on your conscience when you make a risky business decision. At the end of the day, there’s no one else to blame if it all goes wrong.”

I have a hard time relating to what it might feel like to have been raised to believe that I must provide for others. As a businesswoman, I’m always grateful that I’m not burdened by this notion. I’ve only had to provide for myself and anyone else I chose to support, but it’s never been a mandate. Even today, many men grew up with these patriarchal handcuffs and are severely judged when they don’t meet the standards our society has set up for them.

This week, let your father or a father in your life, know how much you appreciate him. Try pointing out the specific things he does that make a positive difference in your life. Spend some time with him doing what he loves. For example, my Dad was a great lover of jazz music. He had an extraordinary collection of old jazz albums that he would play for me when I visited him. We would sit in his den, listening to old jazz recordings, enduring the pops and cracks caused by the age of the album as it spun on the turntable. My Dad would smile from ear to ear with his eyes shut, just loving the music. I was able to show my appreciation for him by allowing him to share something he loved with me.

How about also showing appreciation for your boss? Whether your boss is a man or a woman, a little appreciation goes a long way for someone who often spends lots of solitary time worrying about your welfare and the success of your team.

William Shakespeare wrote, “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.” This week, try easing that weary head and heart by showing your love and appreciation.

Have a good week!

Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/13/11 “Healthy Boundaries”

Good day, team,

This past week the subject of setting healthy boundaries came up on several occasions. Here’s a previous challenge that addresses this subject.

The coach’s challenge this week is about setting healthy boundaries with people at work. Professional boundaries are important because they define the limits and responsibilities of the people with whom you interact in the workplace. When everyone in an organization is made aware who is responsible for what, healthier workplace environments are created. It then becomes very difficult for someone to blame others for their failed or inadequate performance and good job performance can clearly be identified.

When everyone on your team understands what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, team members feel safe in their roles. A smooth functioning organization is a tangible demonstration of the team leader’s commitment to their team’s success, which creates trust in leadership. It is the responsibility of every team leader to set the tone of the group by clearly defining acceptable and unacceptable workplace behavior. An effective leader understands that failing to define boundaries, having no boundaries, or having inappropriately rigid boundaries can have an unfavorable impact on their organization and employees. In some cases boundaries need to be firm. For example, lying, stealing, or verbally or physically abusing others is never allowed.

It may sound as if the responsibility to create a smooth functioning organization falls only upon the team leaders or managers; however team members have a role to play as well. It is the responsibility of everyone on the team to be willing to speak up to a colleague or supervisor and clearly define their problem and help find a resolution that works for the team.

Another important area that should be negotiated is interpersonal boundaries, because professional and interpersonal boundaries substantially impact workplace productivity and the quality of social environment. Interpersonal boundary parameters include:

* The tone people use with each other.
* The attitude and approach co-workers use with each other.
* The ability to focus on work objectives even with people you don’t
like or with whom you are having personal conflict.
* The ability to effectively set limits with others who have poor
boundaries.
* Clearly defining the consequences when a boundary is violated and
sticking to it.

Boundaries will have no meaning if your actions don’t back up your words.

Here are some suggestions for setting healthy boundaries with your team members:

1. Know your limits: what you can do well within the allotted time frame.
Don’t exaggerate your ability by overselling it. Give accurate estimates. Delivering a good product on time will improve your credibility, while missing deadlines or delivering a substandard product will only hurt your reputation.

2. Tactfully and openly communicate about goals and limitations.
Don’t try to undersell or misrepresent your ability. Underselling artificially prevents you from being able to demonstrate your professional skills, which might affect your career advancement. When discussing your limitations, focus on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. Keep your focus on your positive intentions; ask for help when it’s needed to ensure good quality work; actively engage in problem solving, and don’t complain about the problem. Ensure that others are receiving the message you intended by asking for feedback when it’s not forthcoming.

3. Be available to discuss differences and reach agreements.
Reflect back your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests, and concerns. Attempt to negotiate win-win solutions.

4. Don’t be afraid to let someone know if they’re acting inappropriately. Work place bullying is much more common than we think; it can come in the form of expressing undo negativity towards another, intentionally excluding others from team activities, or ganging up on someone. It can also come in the form of domination by withholding information or not keeping one’s part of the bargain by actively engaging and contributing to the work. It’s important to let people know when they act out inappropriately and that it is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. The emotional health and safety of an organization depends on direct and clear communication when someone has trespassed on a professional and/or personal boundary.

This week, try setting healthy boundaries with your team members. You’ll find that establishing boundaries and priorities go hand in hand because they both help manage interpersonal relationships in the workplace. Together they go a long way toward establishing productive work environments based on trust. Competent and credible leaders understand these principles and consistently model them for their staff.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

* Special thanks to the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FSAP) at UCSF for most of the information in this challenge. They are a great resource!

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/6/11 “Wild and Precious Life”

Good day, team.

My vacation this past week was punctuated by three events that influence the theme of this week’s challenge: the death of a relative, turning a year older (on the same day as my relative’s death) and a visit to the town where I grew up.

Experiencing the solemnity of death and the celebration of a birthday all in one day was bittersweet. I found myself feeling contradictory emotions — both grief and joy throughout the day. My grandsons wanted Nana to celebrate her birthday with cake, ice cream and candles (of course, what five- and three-year-olds don’t want cake and ice cream whenever they can get it?). And yet, it didn’t seem quite appropriate given that their grandfather on the other side of the family had just passed away. While we were grieving his death, we also felt grateful that he died peacefully surrounded by those who loved him. So we also wanted to celebrate his life.

Visiting my old home was bittersweet, as well. I was reminded of the many happy times I experienced in this beautiful town where I spent my formative years. It made me happy to walk down memory lane and feel some of the joy I experienced while living there. At the same time, I realized that the happy, safe and tranquil feeling of those years completely disappeared after we moved away. Once we left, all of our lives changed drastically with my parents divorce. Little did I know, as we drove away in our old Plymouth station wagon, that my childhood innocence of naive trust would be left behind. Life became very complicated after that.

All of last week’s events made me realize, yet again, how precious life is and the importance of living each moment as it comes. Whether it’s grieving the death of a loved one or celebrating the emergence of another year, we have a finite amount of time to be here, right now.

My dear friend, Kate Dwyer, summed it up beautifully. Upon reading about my experiences of the week she replied,

“And then for you, sort of a body slam presentation of every lesson we all think we’ve learned but discover regularly that we have not learned deeply enough: Entrances and Exits. Pay Attention. Savor the moment. Ye know not the moment nor the hour.”

Your challenge this week is to savor the moment. Taste your food. Feel the sweat on your brow. See the person you’re talking to. Experience the moment in whatever form it takes. As the moments tick by in your life, give some thought to how you want to experience it. Will you experience the beauty of a new morning or find yourself worrying about tomorrow?

Mary Oliver so eloquently addressed this question in her poem “The Summer Day.” Here’s the poem in its entirety. I hope it speaks to you this week.

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean —
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down —
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

from “New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

5/23/11 “Choosing Optimism”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge comes directly from a wonderful blog called “Tiny Wisdom,” http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-on-choosing-optimism. Many thanks to my friend, Patty Mitchell, for the introduction. Here’s a recent post from the site, which begins with the following quote:

“I am a pessimist because of intelligence but an optimist because of will.” — Antonio Gramsci

“They say that ignorance is bliss, and there’s a really good reason for it. There are a lot of things we learn as we get older that can get us down if we dwell on them.

“The world feels a lot safer when you believe in Santa Claus and magic, and haven’t yet learned about the tragedies and injustices that happen every day, all over the world.

“It’s a lot easier to feel happy when you believe that everyone has pure intentions and don’t yet realize that people sometimes hurt other people, knowingly and intentionally.

“If you want to, you can easily find tons of reasons to live your life scared and negative. You can use all kinds of logic to justify a bitter, guarded attitude, as if it’s the only way to protect yourself from bad things that could happen.

“The irony is that this is the worst thing that could happen because it makes the space inside your head persistently painful — and it doesn’t actually prevent pain or misfortune. It’s a self-made prison that you can only escape by choosing to shift your perspective.

“Since tomorrow is always uncertain, you can torture yourself hiding from the bad things that could happen, or you can decide to take responsibility for creating the good. But you can’t do both at the same time.

“Today if you’re feeling like the odds are stacked against you, ask yourself, which you would prefer — to assume that things will go wrong and then find evidence to confirm you’re right, or to believe that good things will happen and then make every effort to create them?”

This piece of writing really touched me this weekend. Over the past two weeks, I have struggled to maintain a positive attitude, which is unusual for me. My internal world, although complex in various states of mind and heart, is generally a pretty positive place. I don’t seem to dwell in many dark, scary places. But sometimes a wave comes over me, and my usual buoyancy is interrupted by a feeling of drowning in sorrow, worry or negativity of some sort.

I noticed this past week that I was particularly susceptible to external impressions and the media. Perhaps, I was less able to defend my inner lightness of being with the onslaught of negative news that we are bombarded with daily. When I found myself bursting into tears after finishing the last few pages of a book I’ve been reading about American POWs in Japan during World War II (not a light read by any stretch), I realized that I need to be careful about what kinds of information I consume. We are what we eat, and that’s as true about the kind of cellular food we buy at the grocery store as it is about the kind of intellectual and emotional food we buy on Amazon.

So, this week’s challenge is to take the words from “Tiny Wisdom” to heart. Try having the will to change your attitude about something that’s dragging you down. If you feel resentful or angry, try taking the energy of those feelings and use it for something positive. It’s a good practice to try finding the positive side of situations that appear to be nothing but negative.

To help with my attitude, I’ve decided to become more selective this week about what I take in. Maybe I’ll visit a place of great beauty so that the impressions I take in are more uplifting. Whatever I do, it’s definitely time for a change of heart and mind.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

5/16/11 “Giving Back”

Good day, team.

A few weeks ago, Portland lost one of its leading citizens: Harold Schnitzer. This man, along with his wife Arlene, impacted our city in so many positive ways that I couldn’t possibly list them all. They have funded the arts, our medical community and our schools. They have served on boards, helped organize charitable events and made huge efforts through their philanthropic foundation to important causes.

Harold was a humble man who was an extremely successful businessman. He had a strong set of values centered on the idea that people who are fortunate should give back to their communities. Herein lies this week’s challenge. How do we serve others? What are we doing to help support our communities, our team members and our social structures?

When I first moved to Portland in 1998, I met Harold Schnitzer on an airplane. He was with his son Jordan and some business associates. We were flying from Sacramento to Portland, and our flight was unable to land in the deep layer of fog that had descended over Portland. We were rerouted to Tacoma where they would put us on a bigger airplane that could land in such weather. All of this took awhile and everyone in the group was not too happy — except Harold. He took it all in stride. In fact, I think he took a nap on the Portland to Tacoma leg, while everyone else in his group fussed and complained about airline inefficiencies.

When we landed in Tacoma, we were told that our new airplane was being prepared and we would probably be flying out in another hour. As we deplaned, Harold could see that I was alone and asked if I would like to join them for a burger. Having not had dinner, I was glad for the invite. We began to talk, and I soon learned that Harold and my father had both gone to MIT and were actually there at the same time. We chatted like old friends, and I thought, what a lovely man. Of course, having only lived in Portland a few months, I had no idea who the Schnitzers were or what they meant to Portland.

At one point, when Harold went to buy a magazine, one of his business associates pulled me aside and said, “Do you know who these people are? I mean, they are the Schnitzers!” To which I replied, “Oh, you mean like Schnizerdoodle?” Little did I know that Harold and Jordan had overheard my comment and laughed and laughed. I realized that Harold thought it was great that I didn’t know who they were. I was treating them like normal people, which was exactly what Harold liked. For all the work he did to support the community and for all the fortune he had made, Harold Schnitzer knew that he was a human being like anyone else. He knew that having a lot of money didn’t make him special. When I asked him naively if he knew of any volunteer work I might be able to do in Portland, he chuckled and said, “I might be able to think of something that would be good for you.”

It was Harold who suggested that I read for SMART, a volunteer reading program that gives you the opportunity to read to young children once a week during the school year. Honestly, that program saved my emotional life. At a time when I was starting over and needed more love in my life, the SMART program allowed me to receive the unconditional love of some wonderful children. For the next four years, I reveled in that.

This is the kind of impact that Harold had on our community. And, now that he is no longer here, it occurs to me that it is up to us to follow in his footsteps. We may not have a fortune to spend or a philanthropic organization to fund major projects, but each of us can do one small thing to make a difference in our communities.

This week, look to see if you have included ways to give back in your life. Perhaps you can spend a day working at a local food bank or sign up to be a big brother or sister. You could volunteer at a local community center, hospital or care center. I have one client who volunteers at a hospice center once a week, and my mother-in-law still works as a volunteer at the front desk of one of our hospitals. She’s been there 15 years and, at the age of 90, still goes to work a few days a week to give back. She is one of my heroes.

Whatever it is, find ways to give back. We all have such abundance, and so many people are not as fortunate. One small act of kindness can change not just their lives but your own.

As Harold said, “I feel we each have a mission in life, so to speak. Decide what you want to do to help others, and if you’re fortunate like we have been, move ahead and do it. I’m very pleased with what we have done. I feel that’s what we’re here to do.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

5/9/11 “Building Trust”

Good day, team.

Last week, a client of mine sent me the following sentiment: “You would be a good person to be with in a foxhole.” I think this is one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. It means much to me to be seen as reliable and trustworthy, and these words could not have said that any better. So I decided this week’s challenge would be about trust and how we gain the trust of others.

I’ve had an opportunity to share the trust equation with many of you over the years, but I will mention it here for those of you who are not familiar with it. Basically, it says that trust = reliability + competency + intimacy, divided by self-orientation.

When an employee at eBay first introduced this equation to me, I was put off. The notion that trust could be reduced to a simple equation seemed impossible to me. How could you take such an emotional subject and use math to describe it? But over time, I’ve turned my thinking around. Much about this equation is spot on in terms of how we learn to trust the people we work with.

When getting to know the people, we first tune into how reliable they are. It’s as simple as seeing that they routinely show up on time for meetings. Or maybe if they are going to be late, they send a text or call to let you know that they’re running a bit late. Either way, we begin trusting others by seeing how reliable they are.

Second, we want to know that our co-workers can do what they say they can do. That’s competency. If I say I’m a coach, am I capable of doing my job? When you work with other people on a team, their abilities are key to the team’s success, and you want to know that they can do the job they’ve been assigned. If not, the entire team suffers.

The third component of the trust equation is intimacy. This part is tougher to define but my view is this: Intimacy develops when you know someone has your back and you know he or she won’t speak poorly about you when you’re not around or when the fur starts to fly. Intimacy grows when you know you can meet with someone one on one and tell each other the truth, no matter how bad it sounds or how embarrassing the situation. This kind of emotional intimacy between team members is irreplaceable; it creates a bond between people that is worth its weight in gold.

So, if these are the components of trust, what does “divided by self-orientation” mean? Self-orientation, as stated in the trust equation, refers to the way a person orients him- or herself in relation to the team as a whole and each team member individually. Team members who are totally self-oriented are focused on their own individual benefit. These people are only in it for themselves and their personal gain. They really don’t care about the team or their fellow team members. As long as they get what they need, they’re fine. This phenomenon will break trust in an instant. Even if a person is reliable, competent and able to be intimate with you, you will not trust him or her if you have an inkling that he or she is only doing all these things for personal benefit. Conversely, if someone is not always reliable or competent or isn’t able to be intimate, we will trust him or her if we believe that in their heart of hearts, they really want what’s best for their fellow team members.

All trust is challenged over time. So, how do we ensure that the trust we build remains a constant in our friendships and working relationships? We do this by coming back to the trust components that reaffirm the relationship. We remain open and willing to have the hard conversations. We tell the truth, no matter what it sounds like. We reach out and ask for help when we need it. We continue to respect each other by being willing to come back to the table, whether we agree or not, and listen. We ponder what our co-workers propose even when we are opposed to what they’re saying. We do not speak poorly about them with others. We are not afraid to let them know how much we care about their well-being and how happy we are to be on the same team with them.

This week, think about who’s in the foxhole with you. When things heat up, who’s right there with you? Who’s willing to stand by your side when you’re not popular or politically correct? When you’re suffering through a difficult time with a project or another co-worker, who’s willing to listen to your woes and able to be honest with you, even if you have a hard time hearing it? Look at your own reliability, competency and intimacy factors. Are you trustworthy? Do others see you as a team player, someone who lives the phrase, “all for one and one for all”?

We were not put on this earth to be alone. Our ability to trust each other is a key component to our happiness as human beings as we try to live together. Work to be reliable and competent and then extend yourself to others to create intimacy. You may just find that as you do so, others will trust you even more.

Have a good week!

Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

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