Category: Change

Good Ways To Neutralize Defensiveness and Blame

Good day, team,

This past weekend, I’ve been perusing some of the coach’s challenges I wrote back in 2004. There was one in particular that seemed appropriate to republish, given some of the difficulties I see my clients facing at present. Here’s a portion of the challenge from April 2004:

“Try not to be defensive. We often find this stance is our knee-jerk reaction to blame: When someone blames us, we defend ourselves. The reality is that if we are trying to do our best, there is nothing to defend. See how often you defend yourself with others. More importantly, notice how often you defend yourself internally. Thoughts like “They really don’t understand me. I’m the one who was right; they just don’t get it” are a form of inner defensiveness. Sooner or later, this inner defensiveness gets projected out onto to someone else.”

What struck me about this challenge was the partnership that blame and defensiveness form in working against us, particularly when we’re trying to play on the same team. At the heart of this defensiveness is our overwhelming desire to be right. This desire along with wanting to look good, or be the smartest person in the room, is so overwhelming that it blinds us to whatever anyone else is saying or doing.

I remember my father talking with my mother over dinner one evening about his colleague Bill. Bill always had to be right, always had to put himself in the best light possible, and could not be trusted because he focused entirely on making himself look good. My father said, “Bill is so determined to be right that even when he’s wrong, he’s often the first to point it out, so he can be right about being wrong!” I remember thinking how awful it must be to worry about what other people think about you all the time.

On reflection, I realize that what my father said that evening about not trusting Bill is at the heart of this issue. We can find other people to be reliable, competent and friendly, even committed to the same goals we are, but if we think their chief motivation is to make themselves look good, that their goal is merely the next promotion, a big bonus or a chance to pump up their ego, we don’t trust them.

When our self-image is at stake, we go to extraordinary lengths to defend ourselves. Sadly, though, the self-image we’ve created is imaginary, and so we end up defending something that doesn’t exist. I often ask my husband, “What do you see me doing?” because I cannot see myself. I’m too close to my well-honed self-image, like the hand right in front of my face, touching my nose. I often have to check in with myself to inquire about my true motivation. Am I only doing this to make myself look good? Have I taken anyone else’s well-being into account before I pursue a given course of action?

Some of the people I consider heroes—Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi, Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama—have never been afraid to be wrong in the eyes of others when it comes to the well-being and welfare of their fellow beings. I hold them in high esteem and often think, “What would they do?” before I act.

Your challenge this week is to see where you are most defended and ask yourself, “Who am I defending?” If you often blame others for what goes wrong, ask yourself if blaming them leads to a good outcome. How much of your motivation is about making yourself look good rather than what’s best for the team? Be courageous in your inquiry.

The Dalai Lama advises, “When you think everything is someone else´s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy. Pride leads to violence and evil. The truly good gaze upon everything with love and understanding.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Doing Things Simpler, Easier and Better

Good day, team,

Lately, I’ve been on a crusade to make things less complicated. I use the word crusade because I’ve had some pretty extreme ideas about how to do this. I announced to my husband at dinner the other evening that if I had a large tractor with a big scooper on the front, I would plow through our house and scoop up everything that was not absolutely necessary to keep (which is much more than I’d like to admit) and take it all away. Of course, he asked, “Where would you dump it?” but that’s another question.

This new attitude cropped up after my recent weekend on silent retreat. If you have nothing to do but just sit and “be” and you remain quiet enough, you begin to see how simple things really are and how the the mind likes to complicate matters. I notice that once my mind has hold of an idea, it loves to explore it, chew on it, expand it, disagree with it, analyze it, add to it, etc.

Not that there’s anything wrong with this activity, goodness knows: Many great inventions and discoveries have been made though just this process. But when the mind takes something that is relatively simple and then creates all kinds of complications around it, the process can complicate our lives and the lives of others.

Here’s a good example. In the past six months, I’ve bid on two projects for the City of Portland. Having not worked for the city before and wanting to find ways to give back to the community, I thought working on a coaching project would be a good experience. The first Request for Proposal—a nasty, gnarly document that was extremely complicated and laborious—required 24 hours to complete.

It was painful to respond to every question, some of which didn’t make sense and others of which were impossible to answer given the information provided. I realized halfway through completion that if this was any indication of what it would be like to work for the city, I might not be interested. I had to laugh when, at the end, I was asked to submit my bid on double-sided paper, to be more environmentally conscious. Too bad that same standard hadn’t been applied to the eight pages of instructions.

I wasn’t exactly disappointed when my bid envelope was returned unopened with a letter saying the city had run out of funds for the project the day after the bids were received. I held the still-sealed envelope in my hand and thought, “Well, I guess I’ll chalk this up to my one and only experience attempting to do some civic duty.” The entire exercise seemed like a waste of my time, but then again, I often don’t know why I do things until much later, so perhaps I went through all of this for a reason.

Two weeks ago I received an e-mail from another department in the City of Portland. This group sent out an informal RFP via e-mail that consisted of five topics to address, three questions to answer and a request for a resume. It took be about an hour to put everything together, which I sent back by e-mail.

When I was done, I realized that the information I had e-mailed was pretty much like the five two-sided pages I had completed a few months before, but in a much simpler and more concise form. The big difference was that one agency had made its request incredibly complicated, whereas the other had streamlined the process down to its essential details.

Herein lies your challenge this week. At work, see if you continue to go through a complicated process every day just because that’s the way it’s always been done. Are you complicating a task that’s actually relatively simple, just because you think it requires more intellectual rigor? How about your instructions to others? Are you confusing people by asking too many questions and getting farther and farther away from the core issue?

If you find yourself sitting in a meeting and can’t remember why it was called, ask yourself, “What’s the real issue here? Have we gone down a road that leads us in a much more complicated direction? Are we spending too much time on something that’s really not all that important and, in doing so, side-tracking the real issues? For example, have we just spent the last hour wrangling over the issue of where to hold the company Christmas party when our sales have slipped for the fourth month in a row? Can we table everyone’s opinions for a moment to clarify what we’re really doing here?”

I’ve developed a new mantra that seems to be working for me: simpler, easier, better. Try saying that to yourself this week and see what happens.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Appreciating The Fruits of Our Labor

Good day, team,

Today is Labor Day, and it’s a day of rest for many of us, a day to reflect on the fruits of our labors. As we move from summer to Indian summer, the cornucopia of life appears on our dining tables in the form of fresh fruit, corn, vegetables, fish, etc. It’s a wonderful time to see how we reap what we sow.

This particular holiday weekend is one of the results of organized labor in this country. Many of us don’t realize what organized labor has done for us over the years: Holiday weekends, minimum wage, health benefits, a guarantee of certain labor practices that protect employees, even weekends are a result of what organized labor has put into place for the American worker.

I grew up in a family that thought organized labor was a bad thing, and I heard many negative stories about labor leaders and the effect unions had on companies. As a consequence, I don’t know very much about unions, and so today I decided to do some research about it. I was amazed to find that much of what I took for granted as common practice in most companies had something to do with organized labor’s attempts to improve conditions for workers.

Here are a few things I learned about Labor Day:

“The holiday originated in Canada out of labor disputes (“Nine-Hour Movement”) first in Hamilton, then in Toronto, Canada, in the 1870s, which resulted in a Trade Union Act which legalized and protected union activity in 1872 in Canada. The parades held in support of the Nine-Hour Movement and the printers’ strike led to an annual celebration in Canada. In 1882, American labor leader Peter J. McGuire witnessed one of these labor festivals in Toronto. Inspired from Canadian events in Toronto, he returned to New York and organized the first American Labor Day on September 5 of the same year.

“The first Labor Day in the United States was celebrated on September 5, 1882, in New York City. In the aftermath of the deaths of a number of workers at the hands of the U.S. military and U.S. Marshals during the 1894 Pullman Strike, President Grover Cleveland put reconciliation with labor as a top political priority. Fearing further conflict, legislation making Labor Day a national holiday was rushed through Congress unanimously and signed into law a mere six days after the end of the strike. Cleveland was also concerned that aligning a U.S. labor holiday with existing international May Day celebrations would stir up negative emotions linked to the Haymarket Affair. All 50 U.S. states have made Labor Day a state holiday.”

Upon reading this background, I did further research into the Haymarket Affair and the Pullman Strike. I discovered that, over the years, many people have died trying to defend the rights of workers in our country and that the struggle to create good working conditions for people has not been without great strife and hardship. I now have a better understanding that much of what I take for granted in the workplace didn’t always exist and that those who came before me had to fight and die to increase the rights of the American worker.

This week’s challenge is to find one thing in your work environment that you take for granted and rekindle an appreciation for it. Perhaps you or your child goes to the doctor and the receptionist tells you that your cost for the doctor’s visit is a $10 co-pay; without your company’s health benefits, that visit could have cost you $150. Maybe you have to care for an aging parent and the Family Medical Leave Act allows you to do that while still retaining the right to return to your job. Recently, I found out that a friend of mine is going to take further advanced education courses that her employer is reimbursing her for so she is more qualified for her next promotion. The next time you work more than 40 hours in a week, pay close attention to your overtime pay, if you are an hourly worker. Or walk into your lunch room, cafeteria or break room: Is coffee and tea available for free there?

These benefits may seem like small things, but we live in a world where many other countries have no labor laws at all, and people, including children, work seven days a week for pennies with no one to protect their human rights. Be grateful this week for your current employment situation. It’s easy to complain about working conditions, but when you stop to consider that we work in relatively safe circumstances with people who get paid to care about our general welfare, it’s worth stopping for a moment to appreciate our good fortune.

I find the words of Abraham Lincoln best express this appreciation:

“Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if Labor had not first existed. Labor is superior to capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

A Small Exercise You Can Do When You’re Feeling Stuck

Good day, team,

Many people seek me out as a coach because they’re not sure what they want to do in life or they’ve been doing something (usually it’s their job) that they don’t enjoy any longer. Most people want to be able to do what they love. But often, they have no idea what that something else is, and so they hire a coach to help them discover their new path.

This week’s challenge comes from the article “What is Work? Finding your Path by Laying the Bricks” by Sharon Glassman. The article traces the steps by which the writer’s naturopathic physician discovered her chosen profession. It also describes how, while in naturopathic school, this woman became a bricklayer to pay for her schooling. Though she had grown up wanting to be a doctor, she found over time that naturopathy was a much better fit with her values and experience. She also learned some invaluable lessons while working as a bricklayer that influenced her path as a doctor.

Most notable for me in the article was an exercise she has all of her patients do when they tell her they feel stuck in their lives:

–Write a list of how you nourish yourself: mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

–Most people have an area that’s underfed. Balance the system, and new ideas will emerge.

I gave her suggestion a lot of thought this week and realized that almost all of us are a bit askew in one or all of these areas most of the time. That is, we have to make an effort to keep them continually fed and well-balanced.

In my case, I used to meditate regularly. In the past year or so, that practice has slipped away, not because I haven’t had the time (in fact, I’ve had more time to meditate daily since I haven’t been traveling as much for work), but because, well, I don’t know exactly why, I just stopped making it a priority. So the other day I decided to start meditating again in the mornings. Already, after just a few days, I feel remarkably better: more balanced, calmer, less agitated by bothersome trivia.

Successfully adding a meditation practice back into my daily schedule encouraged me, so I decided to make a list as the doctor had suggested. I was surprised to find that the areas I thought were getting plenty of attention were actually lacking, and vice versa. My mental life gets loads of attention, and my emotional life gets a good amount too, although I need to be more cognizant of how it gets fed. But my spiritual life is somewhat lacking at the moment.

Your challenge this week is to try the naturopath’s exercise. Write down how you nourish yourself in these three areas. See if one area gets too much of your time and attention. Create a better balance by putting your energy into the areas that you’ve been ignoring or that have become stale.

See what happens when you achieve a better balance. Perhaps, as the author suggests, new ideas will emerge. Maybe your head and heart will gain more clairity about a troubling situation, or you’ll find some new inspiration by changing your weekly spiritual practice.

We may experience some uncertainty about how to live our lives in a more fulfilling way, but as the author notes, “This idea applies to the work of work itself. Some days we’re laying the bricks. Some days we’re walking on them, en route to our next step. What is it? We may not know that…yet. But that’s okay.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

P.S.: The coach will be on vacation next week. I’ll be back to write a challenge for Labor Day.

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

How To Set Healthy Boundaries at Work

Good day, team,

By special request, I’m resending a challenge I first sent out in October 2006; it’s still relevant today.

The coach’s challenge this week is about setting healthy boundaries with people at work. Professional boundaries are important because they define the limits and responsibilities of all members of a team. When workplace boundaries are clearly defined, the organization works more efficiently because redundant work assignments are eliminated and people are held accountable for specific tasks. When everyone in an organization is aware of who is responsible for what, a healthier workplace results. It then becomes very difficult for someone to blame others for his or her failed or inadequate performance, and managers can clearly identify superlative contributions.

With professional boundaries and priorities clearly defined, a group can function effectively even in the absence of its leader. If everyone on a team understands what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, then team members feel safe in their roles. A smooth-functioning organization is a tangible demonstration of the team leader’s commitment to mutual success, which creates trust. Every team leader is responsible for setting the tone of the group by clearly defining acceptable and unacceptable workplace behavior.

Effective leaders understand that failing to define boundaries, having no boundaries, or having inappropriately rigid boundaries can negatively affect their organization and employees. In some cases, boundaries need to be firm. For example, lying, stealing, and verbally or physically abusing others are never allowed.

It may sound as if the responsibility to create a smooth-functioning organization falls only upon the team leaders; however, every team member has a role to play. Each person must be willing to speak up to a colleague or supervisor, clearly define any problem, and help find a resolution that works for everyone.

Interpersonal boundaries must also be negotiated, because they substantially impact workplace productivity and the quality of the social environment. Parameters for interacting include the following:

* The tone, attitude and approach co-workers use with each other.
* The ability to focus on work objectives even when people dislike each other or are in conflict.
* The ability to effectively set limits with those who have poor boundaries.
* Clearly defined consequences when a boundary is violated, and actions that back up these words.

Here are some suggestions for setting healthy boundaries with your team members*:

1. Know your limits: what you can do well within the allotted time frame.
Don’t exaggerate your ability by overselling it. Give accurate estimates. Delivering a good product on time will improve your credibility, while missing deadlines or delivering a substandard product will only hurt your reputation.

2. Tactfully and openly communicate about goals and limitations.
Don’t try to undersell or misrepresent your ability. Underselling artificially prevents you from being able to demonstrate your professional skills, which might affect your career advancement. When discussing your limitations, focus on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. Keep your focus on your positive intentions; ask for help when it’s needed to ensure good quality work; actively engage in problem solving; and don’t complain about the problem. Ensure that others are receiving the message you intended by asking for feedback when it’s not forthcoming.

3. Be available to discuss differences and reach agreements.
Reflect back your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests and concerns. Attempt to negotiate win-win solutions.

4. Don’t be afraid to let people know if they’re acting inappropriately. Workplace bullying is much more common than we think; it can come in the form of expressing undo negativity toward another, intentionally excluding others from team activities, or ganging up on someone. It can also come in the form of domination by withholding information or not actively engaging and contributing to the work. It’s important to let people know when they act inappropriately, that it is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. The emotional health and safety of an organization depends on direct and clear communication when someone has trespassed on a professional and/or personal boundary.

This week, try setting healthy boundaries with your team members. You’ll find that establishing boundaries and priorities go hand in hand because they both help manage interpersonal relationships in the workplace. Together they go a long way toward establishing productive work environments based on trust. Competent and credible leaders understand these principles and consistently model them for their staff.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

* Special thanks to the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program at UCSF for most of the information in this challenge.

The Value of Taking the First Step

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge is about a dilemma I’ve wrestled with for the past couple of years. I think it’s one that many people can relate to: wanting to do something and not being able to find the way to do it, to continue to stay motivated or to push yourself into a completely unknown area to get what you want.

I’ve been trying to put these coach’s challenges into a book for the past two years. I’ve written one each week since 2004, so somewhere in the neighborhood of 200+ challenges about a variety of subjects. But every time I try to get them published, many things get in my way, I lose momentum and yet another month goes by without any progress.

Maybe because I’m a coach I’ve been analyzing why I can’t seem to accomplish this project. Lots of other people publish books about all kinds of things and don’t seem to have a difficult time doing it. So where do I get stuck?

Recently, I realized that, underneath it all, I have a pretty negative attitude about self-help books and, in some ways, about the coaching profession. I walk into a book store and see all the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” type books, and they make me want to run out of the store as quickly as possible. I look at the e-mails I get from various coaching associations, federations and institutions I belong to, and the message is so often the same: “Live your best life,” “I have the secret to unlock your dreams,” or the one I saw last week “How to remember what you learned in kindergarten.” The last one made me laugh. A client once said to me, “I really don’t understand why I pay you money to remind me about what I learned in kindergarten.” Of course, if he remembered what he learned in kindergarten, I would not have to remind him, but that’s another story.

So what do you do when you love to write and, for whatever reason, this is the mode in which you express yourself, but you just can’t get it together to take a book project to completion? How do you get past the bad attitude and the cynical voice in your head that says, “Who really cares about all this stuff?” “Why would anybody be interested in reading it?”

Fortunately, I have lots of great clients and friends who encourage me to put these challenges in a book if for no other reason other than they would like them indexed by subject so they can go back and read the ones that might help them with a particular challenge they are facing. And, when I think about it, this is the whole reason I want to compile them in a book in the first place.

My good friend and sometimes coaching associate Kate Dwyer sent me this great comment by Eleanor Blumenberg, of Santa Monica, California, in reaction to a piece in the current N.Y. Times book review.

“I continue to be amazed at the number of advice books listed each week in the book review as best sellers. I have led a long, productive life based on only two pieces of advice, both of which I learned as a preschooler some 80 years ago. First, I try to play nicely with everybody; second, if I am crabby, I take a nap. What more does anyone need to know?”

At the end of the day, I happen to agree with Ms. Blumenberg. It doesn’t mean that I think the coaching profession is just a bunch of hooey; I’ve seen too many people derive great benefits from it. But there is a practical side of me that often feels we all talk too much, and if we could remember some basic principles with which to guide ourselves, our lives might be simpler.

So what’s the challenge this week? Frankly, I’m not too sure. Maybe it’s about aiming to accomplish one specific project, and, no matter how much self doubt you experience, continuing to strive for that goal. Perhaps it’s about challenging yourself to find the basic values that guide you day by day and to remind yourself of them more often. You choose this week, and let me know how it goes.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

The Dangers of Certainty

Good day, team,

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been tuning in to a recurring message that’s come from the news media, friends, clients and even a bumper sticker a few days ago. The message is “Beware of certainty.”

This week’s challenge is about the danger of being so convinced about something that your mind and heart become closed to any other possibility. Here’s a good example of what I mean.

Robert McNamara, the secretary of defense during the Johnson administration, died a few weeks ago. There’s been much written about him lately, but what struck me most were clips from the film “The Fog of War,” a documentary that includes many interviews of McNamara reflecting on how his views had changed over the years. In one scene, the interviewer asked him to speak about how his views on the war in Vietnam changed over the years. Here was a man who was absolutely certain that the Russians were behind the push of communism into Vietnam. If Vietnam fell to communist ideology, so would all of Southeast Asia, victim of the domino effect: If one falls, the entire row falls. Now, in his later years, McNamara realized how mistaken he had been and how almost all of his decisions about the war had been based on faulty thinking.

Over time, he began to see that his certainty had caused the deaths of thousands and that much of what he had based his decisions upon wasn’t true. Earlier in his career, he said with complete confidence, “It would be our policy to use nuclear weapons wherever we felt it necessary to protect our forces and achieve our objectives.” He came to regret these words, and many of the actions he took during the war haunted him until the day he died.

Similarly, the Bush administration was certain that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in Iraq poised to use against the United States. Life-changing decisions were made based on the administration’s certainty. We now know that those decisions were based on false information.

I wondered this week why people cling to certainty and the false sense of security that comes from thinking it’s this way or no way. Why do we feel more secure when someone says, “No doubt about it”?

In one of his interviews, McNamara explained that, as a younger man, he had been taught that indecision and lack of certainty were seen as signs of weakness. Even if you weren’t 100 percent certain, you had to show others that you were completely convinced that your decisions were correct. Where doubt existed, the potential for opposition and rebellion could occur.

History has shown us many examples of how dangerous this kind of thinking can be. The Holocaust is probably our primary example. And yet, as human beings, we can see how much we desire a simple, sure solution to all our questions. The desire to come up with an answer, to put something in place, is very strong. The feeling of getting it done and not having to think about it anymore is satisfying.

I’ve learned how important it is to question my thinking, particularly when I am completely convinced of something. I try to remember that there is no such thing as an absolute and that my thinking is often influenced by my present circumstances. Change those circumstances, and my thinking and feelings change as well.

This week, try questioning your certainties. Ask yourself, am I missing another way of seeing this situation? Is my belief in this subjective? Is it possible that I might be wrong or that I’m basing my certainty on information that is not completely true? Am I able to see other points of view? Are my views excluding others from participating? Are my thinking and actions encouraging inclusiveness or exclusiveness?

One of the best ways to broaden our thinking is to ask others what they think. If you see yourself being absolutely certain of something, ask someone who doesn’t always agree with you what he or she thinks. I often check my thinking with my husband. He and I have similar values, but he often has just enough of a different viewpoint to get me to open my mind to new possibilities. I’ve also used the Internet to give me new ways of viewing situations. As much as I don’t like overly conservative viewpoints, I will go to such Web sites to read what people who disagree with me think. I’m always surprised by how certain they are of their views! In scoffing at their viewpoints, I have to admit that it’s the certainty in my liberal views that makes me judge the certainty in theirs.

In the editorial section of the newspaper this morning, I read a piece written to President Obama by a man who is dying. He appeals to the president to be honest with the American people about the economy. He writes, “So even as you speak words of hope and quell our fears with your steady presence, let us know that you proceed in the spirit of not being too sure because you cannot be, because no one can be, because a global economic meltdown is unprecedented in scope and nature.” Earlier, he quoted Judge Learned Hand: “The spirit of liberty is the spirit of not being too sure.”

Try asking better questions and digging more deeply into your opinions and views. See if there’s another way to look at the world around you. Remember that being flexible in your thinking and approach gives you more room to move when circumstances change, which they invariably will do.

Bertram Russell wrote, “The whole problem with the world is fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Making Your Dreams Come True

Good day, team,

This week I heard a program on NPR about astronauts and their experience of landing on the moon. One of the Apollo 12 astronauts, Alan Bean, who was the lunar module pilot for the mission, was interviewed with his co-writer of a children’s book about astronauts.

The interviewer asked Bean, “Does a man feel different after walking on the moon?” Bean replied, “I think he feels satisfied. I think his childhood dreams are satisfied. You don’t have to go to the moon for that. If your childhood dream is to become a doctor and you become one, then your dreams are satisfied. It all depends on what’s in your heart and what your dreams are.”

This insight raised a question for me that is the theme of this week’s challenge. What were my childhood dreams? Was there one in particular that has stayed with me all these years? Did any of my dreams come true? Have I pursued that which I held most dear in my heart?

Frankly, in thinking about this subject, I was surprised to realize that I had a hard time remembering what my life dreams were when I was a child, so I spent some time thinking about it today.

I do remember that I wanted to travel overseas, and I’m happy to say that I’ve not only traveled to but also lived in foreign places at times in my life. I wanted to be a dancer in a big Broadway musical, but the closest I got was dancing and singing in high school musicals. For awhile, I dreamed of being the first lady, but I couldn’t quite figure out how to do that without being married to a president. Unfortunately, all the presidents I was familiar with as a child seemed like fuddy duddies, although when John F. Kennedy took office, my dream was renewed.

When I got a little bit older, I dreamt about becoming a race car driver. The closest I got was driving a Ferrari around a racetrack in upstate New York one summer when I worked in a booth there. One trip around the track at 120 miles per hour was enough to satisfy my dream. I never dreamed about becoming a writer, but I’ve always just done it, so I guess to some extent, it’s a dream fulfilled. I always had a deep desire to find the kernel of truth that runs through all things, to share what I learned with others, and to someday become one with the universe. No small desire to be sure, but that dream still lives in my heart as much today as it always has.

But what struck me most was how distant the idea of having a dream has become for me as an adult. What happens to that incredible enthusiasm we have as children when we wish with all of our hearts and minds that a particular dream comes true? When my cousin George was 12, he dreamed about becoming Superman. It was all he could talk about. His room was filled with pictures and comic books of Superman. He tried jumping off the roof of the dog house with a towel safety-pinned to his T-shirt so he could feel what it would be like to fly with a cape. (The dog seemed very distressed by his attempt.) When my Aunt Gerry bought him a Superman costume for Halloween—he wouldn’t even consider going dressed as anyone else—George wore the costume for the next six weeks. He even slept in it! His parents finally had to hide it one night while he was in the bathtub. I’m not sure he ever forgave them.

So what happens to that desire that makes us want our dreams to come true more than anything else in the whole wide world? Ask yourself this week what your childhood dreams were and whether they have come true. See if you can pinpoint one thing you wanted for yourself more than anything else. As a child, when you looked at the broad vista of your life before you, who did you think you would become?

What are you doing today that reflects your childhood hopes and dreams? Maybe you always wanted to be a cowboy or a ballerina. Did you wish you could fly or run faster than anyone else? Was your dream to serve other people? Maybe you didn’t have a vision of a particular activity, but rather a sense of what your destiny was. Perhaps you wanted to become a tennis champion, own your own bakery, or sing in a choir.

Spend some time thinking this week about what you dreamed for yourself and if any of that came true. If it has, then as Alan Bean commented, you can feel satisfied. If it hasn’t, why not make your dream come true?

Take some sound advice from Pinocchio’s life coach, Jiminy Cricket:
http://solosong.net/wish.html.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Acknowledging The Kindness of Others

Good day, team,

The challenge this week is about noticing and acknowledging the kindness of others. I was reminded of this virtue last weekend, after a frightening experience in which my husband and I needed emergency help. Here’s what happened.

Early Sunday morning, a nasty grass fire broke out at our ranch in the Columbia River Gorge. We were fast asleep at the time, but due to a combination of a prophetic dream, a popping sound, and my sense of smell, I awoke at 2 a.m. to discover the field across from our house ablaze. I immediately knew this was no small fire, and as my husband, David, rushed to the scene with hoses in hand, I called emergency services.

I’ve never had to call 911 before. After half a ring, a reassuring voice answered. She immediately notified the fire chief and volunteers in our tiny, unincorporated community and verified that no one was hurt. She assured me the fire crew would arrive as soon as they could.

Five minutes later, our nearest neighbor, Mike, drove up in his truck. Barely awake, he promised the fire crew was right behind him. Next came the fire chief, efficient and friendly. In a few minutes, four fire trucks barreled up the road. Then Mike’s wife, Brenda, and another friend and neighbor, Leroy, arrived. All of them were either part-time or full-time volunteers, and included retirees.

When everyone got to the fire, David was still working the hoses, trying like crazy to put out the highest flames. (Evidently, an owl had flown into an old transformer and burst into flames.) We had had 40 mile-an-hour winds earlier that day, and each time a gust of wind came up, it would ignite the embers and create a new path of fire in seconds. A fire already about 260 feet long and 50 feet wide was expanding each time the wind blew. You really don’t get a sense of how powerful flames are until you see them in action.

The firemen (and -women, I might add) turned on the big hoses, and the blaze was soon under control. The volunteers spent the next two hours digging a trench around the fire, making sure that every possible spark was out, and then went back with an infrared camera to make sure there were no embers lurking under the soil.

I stood at the edge of the field and looked out at the seven volunteers spread across our field in their yellow fire suits, each with a shovel in hand, working feverishly to put out the remaining remnants of fire. Thick smoke burned their eyes and, I imagine, parched their throats. At times, all I could see were the lights from their headlamps through the smoke and ash lighting up small patches of burnt earth, as they worked with great concentration and determination to save our field. Someone mentioned to me that our fire chief makes $500 a month to do his job and, of course, the volunteers don’t make a thing. I was in awe of these selfless folks from our little community who were helping out people they had never met before.

When they were done, we shook the volunteers’ hands and hugged our neighbors. Big smiles broke out on their grimy faces as they remarked variously, “It’s nothing. Just glad it didn’t jump the road”; “Could have been worse. It’s still the start of summer, lots of green on the ground”; “Glad you were here”; “Good thing you’re a light sleeper.”

As they drove away, I had tears in my eyes, and my heart was full from the display of kindness I had just experienced. I will never forget what each of those wonderful people did for us in the early hours of that summer morning, for no reward other than to be here when we needed them.

Last week, I tried to acknowledge any act of kindness I observed. When someone at a restaurant held the door open for a bunch of us as we passed through the doorway, I stopped and told him how much I appreciated it. At the grocery store, as a woman turned sharply, her purse hit the avocados, and they came tumbling down. People in the produce section bent to help her pick them up. I joined in, and we all smiled as we restacked the avocados. Later in the week, I noticed that a young man stopped and parked his bike to help an old woman in a wheelchair cross the road. I gave him a thumbs up as I passed by.

Your challenge this week is to do the same. Try seeing the acts of kindness that are going on around you and take a moment to let people know how great it is that they are performing these acts. It doesn’t have to be verbal: It can be a smile, a wave, a wink or even a high five. You don’t have to worry about the right thing to do; believe me, the right response will come.

If you want to contribute a couple of good deeds yourself, feel free. It’s amazing how good it feels to help someone on the spur of the moment. When they look you in the eye and give you a heartfelt thanks, remember how good it feels to receive help when you’re in need.

Have a good week.

Kathleen

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Factors That Create High Performing Teams vs. Teams That Under Perform

Good day, team,

Last week I read a great article, “The Science of Happiness,” by Barbara Fredrickson in the Sun magazine. Fredrickson is the Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She has spent more than 20 years investigating the relatively uncharted terrain of positive emotions, which she says can make us healthier and happier if we take time to cultivate them. She has recently published a book about many of her findings, “Positivity.”

I have long been interested in understanding group dynamics in business teams. I’ve spent many years observing the behavior that occurs when teams work together and often wondered why some teams are successful while others are not. What factors create high-performing teams? What factors create teams that spiral down to a dead end?

In her work, Fredrickson was introduced to Marcial Losada, a well-known business consultant who has developed mathematical models of people’s ability to broaden and build their capacities, resources and resilience. In many years of studying 60 business teams during their annual strategic planning sessions, Losada ranked their success based on the number of positive and negative statements made during the meetings.

People on high-performing teams had a 6-1 ratio of positive to negative statements, whereas the low-performing teams had ratios of less than 1-to-1, meaning that more than half of what was said was negative. The high-performing teams had an even balance between asking questions and advocating for their own points of view, and also an equal measure of focusing outward (for example, on customers) and focusing within the group. The low-performing groups had asked almost no questions and almost never focused outside the group. They exhibited a self-absorbed advocacy: Nobody was listening to anyone else, they were all just waiting to talk.

Ultimately, Losada took his behavioral data and wrote algebraic equations that reflected how each stream – the questioning, the positivity, and the outward-inward focus – related to each other. He learned that his equations matched a set of existing equations called the Lorenz System, which is famous in nonlinear dynamics because it in turn led to the discovery of chaos theory, sometimes called “the butterfly effect”—the idea that the flap of a butterfly’s wings in one location can set in motion a series of events that causes a hurricane on the other side of the globe.

Underneath the dynamics of the high-performing team was what physicists call a “complex chaotic attractor,” which produces unpredictable or novel outcomes. So high-performing teams produced novel creative results. Underneath the structure of low-performing teams was a “fixed-point attractor” that caused the teams to nosedive. What’s interesting is that the negativity always arose within the realm of self-absorbed advocacy and not asking any questions. That’s where the fixed point attractor lies.

Ultimately, using the Lorenz equations, Fredrickson was able to predict that a ratio of three positive events to one negative event is the tipping point where things become chaotic, which is a good thing, since it’s only in this environment that people can be truly interactive and creative. And as a team interacted more and experienced more creativity, positivity spiraled upward.

Fredrickson tested this 3-1 ratio over the next few years to see if it was actually true. In each case, the theory held. She also applied it to her own life in raising her second child and found it to be a much better method of child-rearing. If she could balance the number of times she said, “No” to her son with three times as much positivity, his ability to express himself and pursue his creative interests was much higher and he was happier. She found this to be true in marriages as well. Research suggests that married couples who express about a 5-1 ratio of positive to negative emotions have much more solid marriages than couples who exchange greater amounts of negativity.

So what’s the challenge here? This week, try seeing how much negativity grabs your attention and how often you express it. Then take a look at how often you express positivity and what tends to draw you in more. Fredrickson’s research shows that negative experiences tend to demand our attention more, and it takes self-discipline, will power and practice not to focus solely on them and to choose a positive outlook instead. So negativity tends to happen to us, whereas we need to intentionally choose positivity.

Observe what’s happening in your team meetings. Do the negative comments far outweigh the positive? Do people seem disengaged? Do they ask questions and share new ideas, or do they just sit there and choose not to participate? When they do speak, is it to protect their territory or is it because they want to share an insight or encourage creativity within the group?

If you see a lot of negativity in your life, here are some simple suggestions from the article for experiencing more positivity:

1. Be aware of the present moment, because most moments are positive. We miss many opportunities to be positive because we’re thinking about the past and worrying about the future rather than being open to what is.

2. Pay attention to human kindness—not just what others do for you but what you can do for other people.

3. Go outside in good weather.

4. Practice mindfulness or loving kindness meditation.

5. Arrange your life around your strengths. Ask yourself: Am I really doing what I do best? Being employed in a job that suits your strengths is a great source of enduring positive emotions.

Check out the amount of positivity you experience in your life, both personally and at work. Try injecting more of it into your life this week and see if it makes you happier. As Robert Ingersoll wrote, “My creed is this: Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.