Category: Change

Horse Sense #4 – Forgiveness

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about forgiveness. I’ve learned a lot over the past year about forgiveness from an unlikely friend: the beautiful horse I’ve been spending time with.

A few months ago, I leased Ileeah, a lovely Arabian horse trained in the horsemanship method I was learning. My lessons were frustrating at first, but I began to see how responsive this horse is and just how much I could learn from her because of her extensive training and experience. What I found most humbling was her ability to forgive me when I did something wrong. One day I was taking her halter off and accidentally poked her in the eye. She immediately jumped away from me. But in the next moment, as I was apologizing profusely, she walked right back over to me as if nothing had happened.

Along the way, I have had to forgive myself over and over again―when I gave her conflicting messages about where and when I wanted her to go; when I got angry with her and nagged at her rather than giving her a quick, direct instruction to stop what she was doing; and when I didn’t have the ability to let go of my negativity toward her when she defied me.

Horses have an amazing ability to forgive. They don’t seem to hold onto resentment or negative emotions the way humans do, and it allows them to deal with whatever is happening in the moment rather than reacting to something that happened the moment before. They always seem willing to try again with patience and persistence. I think these qualities have helped horses survive for thousands of years. Even though they are prey to other animals and have had to work for humans, they have persevered and their presence with each moment has allowed them to react appropriately when they sense danger.

In playing with horses (and I use the word “play” because it really isn’t work), I have learned more about how to forgive myself. I have made many mistakes with Treasure, Ileeah and Winslow―the three horses I’ve played with over the past year―and I suspect that I will continue to make mistakes with horses as I continue. But every time they forgive me, I have an opportunity to forgive myself. Buck Brannaman, the famous horse trainer and a leading practitioner in the area of natural horsemanship wrote, “Horses are incredibly forgiving. They fill in places we’re not capable of filling in ourselves.”

This week, find the things you’re not forgiving yourself for and try to release them. See what it feels like to make a mistake and then forgive yourself for it. Try cutting yourself some slack when you’ve done something goofy and don’t carry your inner angst about it into the next moment or the next day. Laugh at yourself for your foibles, and see how unimportant they are in the face of all the good things you bring to others.

The famous phrase “To err is human, to forgive divine” so aptly describes the divinity we see in those beings who are able to forgive―both human and animal. This week try forgiving yourself and moving into the next moment without the burdens of guilt or shame weighing you down.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Impeccable Communication

Good day, team.
This past week, I’ve seen how gossip and unprofessional behavior can negatively impact us. This reminds me of the importance of impeccable communication in the work place and how hard it is to maintain.
Recently, I asked a few of my clients what is one important factor they try to keep in mind throughout their everyday interactions with others. Many responded with the same advice: Try to speak consciously and with integrity.

In countless employee surveys each year, communication continues to be the issue that everyone says is most important. Either there’s not enough of it or what exists is incorrect or misleading — and sometimes it turns into destructive gossip. Companies spend millions of dollars a year trying to improve their employees’ communication skills.

We are individually responsible for the way we communicate. If I tell a colleague that I appreciate the work he’s done, but I roll my eyes disdainfully, he’ll obviously get a mixed message. And the message he’ll believe is the one communicated in my facial expression, gestures or tone of voice. Our body language speaks volumes. We often forget that communicating involves not just our spoken words but also our unspoken actions.

Our minds are like fertile ground in which seeds can be planted. When we speak the truth and encourage the same in others, that fertile ground sprouts healthy plants that flourish. We often don’t realize how much our words affect others until we find out that some negative comment we made in the past has blossomed into an ugly rumor that people now believe to be true. Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.”

I’ve been trying to speak with integrity for many years now. It is a challenge for me each day. Sometimes things come out of my mouth that I’m unconscious of. When they are repeated back to me, I’m surprised to learn I said them. Other times, an emotion is so strong that I feel compelled to say something in spite of my better judgment. In these cases, what I say is not very productive, and I find myself regretting the way in which I expressed myself. My intention to communicate consciously and with integrity is there, but that intention is sometimes not strong enough to catch my words. If I can be present in the moment about my feelings, I have a better opportunity to temper the words before they are expressed.

Try to speak consciously and with integrity this week. I’m going to take my cue from a bumper sticker that read, “Try not to do anything unless it’s necessary, responsible and kind.” If you replace the word “do” with the word “say,” you’ll end up with some sound advice for better communication.

Have a good week!
Kathleen

* The coach will be on vacation next weekend. The next challenge will be published Nov. 3, 2013.
© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Dealing With Our Blindspots

Good day, team.
A former client of mine sent me an article this week about our blind spots — character traits or personal behaviors we don’t see but that show up in our interactions with others. This week’s challenge is about being willing to see our blind spots and what to do about them once we see them.
When I took my training to become a coach, I was introduced to one of my major blinds spots: I often interrupted people when they were speaking. I did this in a variety of ways. I interrupted them mid-sentence to express what I thought about their subject matter, I finished their sentences for them, and I sometimes asked them a question while they were still talking. This behavior was definitely not appropriate for coaching someone and, I painfully discovered, was extremely irritating to my friends and family who had been putting up with it for years.
Once I got over the embarrassment of having this behavior pointed out to me, I began to observe what was happening to me when I interrupted someone.
First, I was more prone to interrupt someone if I was really engaged in what they were saying. Getting excited about the subject matter raised the energy in my body. My heart would beat faster, and I felt the excitement of connecting with an idea or having thoughts quickly come to my mind. I had to do something with all that energy, so words would come out of my mouth before they were supposed to, often right in the middle of another person’s sentence.
Second, somehow I thought I knew exactly what other people were talking about, so I finished their sentences for them. This became such a habit that I found people I often talked with just naturally allowed me to finish their sentences.
Third, I was clueless to the reaction people had to my interruptions. I was usually so absorbed in what I was saying that I would miss their reaction. This kept my blind spot fully intact. I was missing all of their “this really irritates me” signals. I had no reason to change my behavior if I wasn’t aware of how irritating it was to others.
When I became certified in the Goldsmith stakeholder coaching program recently, I realized the importance of having others give us feedback so we have an opportunity to observe our blindspots. At the heart of this coaching model is the participation of the stakeholder, and that’s why it’s so successful. It’s the people you ask to observe your behaviors and give you constant feedback — or as Marshall Goldsmith calls it, “feed forward” — that make this coaching model so useful.
With this method (if you have the courage to do it), you ask your stakeholders to tell you if you’re using the behaviors you want to use to improve or if you’re still stuck in your blind spot behaviors. In my case, I asked my stakeholders to observe whether I was still interrupting them, and they had my permission and encouragement to tell me when I was. In the spirit of feed forward, they could also give me ideas for what I could do going forward to change this blind spot behavior.
I have a clear memory of the first time my coaching professor observed my interrupting behavior in front of the rest of the class. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. To make matters worse, within my body I felt like someone had just taken all the wind out of my sails. All that energy that was enthusiastic about what the other person was saying was stopped dead in its tracks, and I was left to wallow in it as it slowly dissipated.
I weakly asked, how do I stop this and what do I do with all this energy? What do I do instead? The teacher was smart enough to ask my fellow classmates. Many of them chimed in with great suggestions, and I realized that by being vulnerable and willing to listen, I got some very sincere and great suggestions:
“Try being present to your breathing while the other person is talking, and when the desire to speak arises, breathe your way through it until the person is done speaking.”
“Sit on one of your hands or put your hand in your pocket as soon as the other person starts to speak. Don’t allow yourself to say anything or move your hand until the person is done speaking.”
“Listen to your voice when you speak. Is it high and excited sounding? Or does it sound like it’s coming from deeper within you, from your belly rather than your throat? Try hearing the difference in tone, and when you do speak to someone, try speaking from your belly. You may find that speaking from there allows you to control the urge to interrupt and slows you down enough to catch yourself from interrupting.”
I was humbled by the sincerity of their suggestions. Everyone could see that we all have blind spots, and mine weren’t any better or worse than anyone else’s. And when they were caught in their own blind spots, I greatly wanted to help them see their behavior and find good ways to change it.
All of this encouraged me to ask for more feedback and suggestions. As painful as it was to receive it, I knew that this was where I really needed to do my work — in the places where I was most blind.
This week, have the courage to ask some of your stakeholders (the people who see your behaviors daily) what behaviors they see you doing that are not helpful or useful. Ask them how you could change your behaviors to better suit the situation and be more appropriate.
Maybe you get immediately defensive when someone gives you constructive feedback and say things like, “I do not” or “You’re mistaken.” This certainly won’t encourage the person to continue to offer suggestions. Maybe you’re someone who talks too much. Try becoming more aware of how people react to you in the moment. Do you notice that people stop listening to you while you are talking? How about the blind spot of always playing the role of the devil’s advocate? Do you find that you almost always disagree with what’s being said just to make sure the other side is heard? Or maybe you want people to see how smart you are by raising the other perspective? Sometimes this behavior can be useful and sometimes not — it all depends on the situation. But if you always do it, chances are there’s a blind spot there. Here are two more of my favorites: acting as the class clown or the cynic. Do you frequently use humor to buffer situations, even at the expense of others? Or are you the one who often makes a cynical comment, particularly when someone in the room is excited or hopeful about the work he or she is doing? One client of mine told me he was afraid to go into meetings with his boss. He seemed so mild mannered and polite with everyone most of the time, but occasionally, his boss would make a snide remark to someone in a meeting. It was so out of character that no one was even sure if he’d actually said it — except for the person he made the snide remark to. They never forgot it.
The best part about asking others to help us increase our self-awareness is in their sincere responses. We all know we need help, and it’s the loving kindness in us that wants to serve each other in the best way we can. When someone sincerely asks for help seeing their blindspots, we are more than willing to assist. It’s like seeing a blind person trying to cross a busy intersection, would we just allow them to walk into the street without trying to help them cross it?
Have a good week!

Kathleen

Many thanks to Christian Buschow for sending me this blog entry about blind spots. Here’s the link: http://aslantraining.com/blog/what-does-your-sign-say.

The Arrival of Spring

Good day, team.

Today’s challenge is about appreciating the arrival of spring. I’d simply like to share an article I read this week in the New York Times, “The Farm From Afar” by Verlyn Klinkenborg:

“Last week I got an e-mail from one of the two young farmers living at my small farm in upstate New York while I’m teaching in Southern California for the semester. She mentioned ‘green spears’ shooting out of the ground. The thought threw me into a vernal prolepsis, a mental flash-forward to spring, for which there must be a German word or a Chinese poem.

“I imagined the barn with the woodchucks beneath it stirring. I can picture the horses shedding winter, and their hair drifting across the snow.

“There’s plenty of spring in Southern California. Spring comes every time it rains, and it seems truly protean — herbs, trees, shrubs and flowers jostling one another, a mob of blossom, a fog bank of pollen. But I find myself missing the intensity of expectation that spring brings to the farm, the sense that the weather is rushing to meet a deadline, a linear thrust toward the heart of May. The cues come in sequence. One day it’s the hellebores, then snowdrops and then unruly forsythia.

“None of the real farmers in my family have been very good travelers. They went to war — World War II, Vietnam — and when they got home, they didn’t do much leaving again. Once I met an older farmer who told me he hadn’t missed a milking, morning or evening, in 40 years. It was more than just a sense of duty. It was a worry that things won’t go right — the corn won’t grow, the calves won’t fatten —unless you’re watching.

“In a small way, I know how that feels. Of course, the goldfinches will brighten without me. And the wild mint is already expanding its empire, I’m sure. The barn-loft door stands open, ready for the swallows. I’ll be along soon enough, just behind them.”

As I look out at the new blossoms on the trees and the daffodils in my garden this morning, I am reminded of the freshness of the season and how glad we are when it finally arrives. This week, enjoy the emergence of spring, wherever you live. Revel in its newness, its beauty and its promise

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Power of Saying No

Good day, team.

I’m happy to greet the new week. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and if you’ve grown up with a name like mine, then you always celebrate your ancestors on this day. It’s a good way to start a week — with a day of celebration.

The subject of this week’s challenge is “neti-neti.” This phrase comes from Sanskrit and means “not this, not this.” These are important words for me. I first heard them from my wise therapist when I was 45 years old. I was starting to say “no” a lot more often in my life and couldn’t quite figure out why that was. I didn’t think it was bad. In fact, every time I said “no” to someone or some thing, I found it liberating. So it wasn’t the “no” that bothered me but rather the fact that previously in my life, I’d said “yes” to just about everything. And that turned out not to be the best response to many of the things that kept popping up in my life.

For example, once an old friend called and asked if I wanted to go out to a local bar to hear some music with her. We had a history of going to these kinds of places, drinking too much and attracting some rather unsavory characters at the bar or on the dance floor. Regardless of how the evening turned out, I always regretted waking up the next morning hungover and deeply depressed that I’d made such bad choices the night before. This time, when she called, a deep sense of certainty arose in me and I said, most emphatically, “No thanks.” She replied, “Maybe some other time.” And I remember thinking, there won’t be some other time.

As I hung up the phone, I felt free. I finally had the courage to say “no” to her, and I knew in that moment that I could let it all go. All the judgment I’d had about my actions when she and I went out drinking together, all the lack of self-trust that came from not making good decisions for myself, all the pain that came from wanting love and affection and looking for it in the wrong places. Just two words, “No thanks,” and poof — I was released from all that drama and destructive behavior.

It felt so good that I began saying “no” more often in a variety of different situations — with my family, at work, with my diet and even with my crafty cat, who seemed to have a way of manipulating me into saying “yes” to him more often than was good for either of us. I began saying “no” all over the place, and it began to worry me that perhaps I was becoming a really negative person. What if I said “no” to something that was actually a good opportunity for me?

In describing this to my therapist, she told me about neti-neti. She explained that with age comes wisdom, and part of that wisdom is the ability to make good distinctions. Understanding and being able to act upon what we know is good for us as well as what’s not good for us is key to our emotional maturity and well-being.

What I found most interesting about neti-neti was that I could say “no” to something and not necessarily know what the “yes” alternative was. Consequently, rather than “No, I don’t want this, but I do want that,” it was just fine to say, “No, not this.” I often didn’t know what the new “this” would be, but the space that was presented once I turned away from something and before I embraced something new was a wonderful place of innocence and curiosity. It encouraged exploration instead of certainty, and it gave me room to stretch and see the world differently. It became a place to rest without fear and without the pressure that comes along with taking on something new.

I began experimenting with neti-neti at work. I would be working on a project, and although the work I was doing was good, I also knew it wasn’t my best. But my constant urge to get it done would override my desire to do the best quality job. I tried objectively looking at the results from time to time, and rather than feel compelled to finish, I would allow myself to look at it in finer detail. I began to hear it in my head — I’d look at one part of the project and see that it needed refining. Then the words “neti-neti” would come. Other times, I could clearly see that the work I was doing was just right, and it got a resounding “yes.” I would find myself in business meetings, and when someone began to behave in a way that was unprofessional, I would hear it again, “neti-neti.” I would go to the museum to look at art, and the lack of good composition in a painting or the wrong color palette would evoke the words again, “neti-neti.” Listening to music became even more interesting as the discerning neti-neti would review the notes I was hearing and make its determination. Ironically, I remember thinking that if I listened to discordant music it would evoke the neti-neti more often, but the opposite happened. Now that I had a better way of making distinctions, I was more open minded to all kinds of music, not just familiar or simple melodies.

A more open mind was one of the major by products of cultivating the neti-neti. It helped me see things with a finer eye, a more discerning ear and a more open heart. I never would have imagined that the ability to say, “This is not for me” would offer me more and better choices than when I always said “yes.”

This week, try experimenting with neti-neti. Maybe you’re having trouble breaking an old habit — for example, having three glasses of wine at night for dinner instead of one. Try saying “neti-neti” to the second and third glasses. Perhaps you find yourself working late at your job too many nights a week and then feel guilty as you drive home, knowing your spouse will not be happy with you. Try saying “neti-neti” to the urge to stay late for one day a week and go home at 5:30. See how it feels as you drive away from the office. Or maybe you say “neti-neti” to the feelings of guilt and try accepting that working late, at least for now, is what you need to do to succeed.

One of my closest friends found herself in an abusive relationship with her husband. She called me one night and confessed, “You know, it’s not just him. I can clearly see how I provoke him and even though I don’t like the abuse that follows, I can’t seem to stop the pattern.” She and her husband had been working with a marriage counselor on this subject and both parties were seeing how their poor behaviors lead them into terrible fights and abusive actions. I knew about their history, and there was no doubt, they had lots of work ahead of them to increase their understanding and break old patterns of behavior. I thought about telling my friend about neti-neti, but it seemed too simple. But then, I thought, if it helps, why not? It certainly had helped me make better decisions in my life, so I told her about it.

Weeks later, she sent me an e-mail thanking me. She wrote, “Now Bill and I have this little tool we can use. When we start to go down that destructive path, one of us will say, “neti-neti,” and it’s just enough to break up the behavior patterns and give us a chance to stop. It doesn’t always work, but when it does, we’re so grateful.”

Try using neti-neti this week. See if it works for you!

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

How Feedback and Feedforward Change Your Professional Impact

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about the usefulness of feedback and how we can use other people’s observations of our behavior to help us in our professional development.

Think about the last time you made a presentation in front of other people. How well did you do? How many times did you say “um” or “like” (sentence fillers that when repeated too frequently can send the wrong message to the audience)? Did you just stand there like an inanimate object? How did your voice sound? Was it high and squeaky or so low and quiet that others couldn’t hear you? What about your content? Did you rely on PowerPoint to do the presentation for you? And were your slides so detailed that your audience was completely bored after the first one?

We all know what a shock it is to hear our voice played back to us from a recorder. It’s even worse to see ourselves on film or video. Is that what I really look like to others?

Most of us are under the impression that we’re so nervous when presenting in front of others that we act differently from how we do in our day-to-day interactions. But studies show that when we’re “acting” in front of others, our actions and behaviors are very similar to how they are when we’re communicating normally with others. It’s hard for us to see, but we rely on certain patterns of communication. We use them everyday, and many have become habitual.

Long ago, I realized that many of my behaviors were invisible to me. I would communicate something to a colleague in a meeting and think I knew what I’d said. But later I would be surprised to find out that what I thought I said and what he or she heard were different. I recall one such meeting when I was talking with one of my direct reports. As I was talking, she began to give me a funny look. Her brow began to furrow, and she looked nervous. I remember thinking, “I’m just giving her information, why is she looking so nervous all of a sudden?” When our meeting was over, she left the room quickly, obviously wanting get out of there. Later in the day, I called her and asked if she’d come back to my office. She looked worried when she came to my doorway. After she sat down, I asked her what I might have said that made her so nervous in our earlier meeting. She was hesitant to answer me. I explained that I thought I had just given her some information regarding a process. There didn’t seem to be anything I said that should have been disturbing to her.

She finally said, “It’s not what you said but the way you said it. You seemed to be so irritated with me. I could tell by the tone of your voice that I’d done something wrong, but you never told me what it was. You just kept going on and on about the process, and yet, based on your facial expression and your tone of voice, I knew you were unhappy with me. It made me nervous that you weren’t telling me what was wrong with me directly. I didn’t understand why you were hiding how you really felt.”

I was shocked. Her impression of my behavior was not what I had intended at all. The truth was that right before our meeting, I had been driving to the office and had gotten stuck in traffic. I wanted to stop for a cappuccino before getting to the office, and because of the traffic, I was unable to do that. By the time I arrived at the office, I was irritated and missing my morning coffee treat. As I poured a cup of bad office coffee, I remember thinking, “I hope this isn’t an indication of the rest of my day — traffic delays and bad coffee, ugh!”

Five minutes later, I was in my meeting with her. I was irritated, and I’m sure my facial expressions and tone of voice reflected that. I was behaving like a five-year-old who hadn’t gotten the treat she wanted. What surprised me later was to realize that my team member saw all of this as her fault, and my behavior had communicated something totally different than what I had intended.

Our inability to see the impressions we make creates a great deal of miscommunication between people. We think we’re acting in a certain way, but if we could actually see ourselves communicating, we might see that what’s coming across to the listener is a completely different message.

Once I knew why my team member was so uncomfortable with my communication, I had an opportunity to tell her why I was irritated. I mentioned the traffic and the cappuccino, and she immediately smiled and said, “Oh, I’m so relieved. I thought I’d done something wrong and couldn’t figure out why you weren’t being honest with me. And,” she exclaimed, “I know exactly how you feel when you don’t have the right coffee in the morning. I’m a complete bear if I can’t have my latte before I get here.”

The usefulness of feedback from others in a business context cannot be overstated. Without the observations of others, we really have no idea how we’re coming across. We can’t observe our own behaviors like others can. With honest feedback from others, as hard as it can be to hear, we can begin to see how we impact the people around us. We can see why we’re often misunderstood and why others react to us in the way they do

But (and this is a BIG BUT) none of us enjoy getting feedback. No matter how it’s framed, we don’t react well to constructive criticism. Even when someone tries to break it to us gently by saying something like, “I’d like to share some constructive feedback with you. Is now a good time?” The normal human reaction is, “NO! It’s never a good time.”

In my recent coaching training, I learned about something called “feedforward.” Marshall Goldsmith defines it as “feedback that’s forward-looking.” For example, when giving feedback, I could say, “You’re not delegating enough responsibility to your subordinates.” This is a statement that describes what you’ve done wrong in the past. That same statement framed as feedforward would sound more like, “Going forward, you could distribute more of your workload to your direct reports so that you’re less bogged down.” In addition, asking team members how they would like to proceed encourages them to describe what they can do to effect this change.

Asking for feedforward from others gives us a great opportunity to discover how we impact others with our behavior. Plus, rather than focusing on the past, it focuses on the future. The intention is to help us improve our behavior going forward, not because we’re wrong or stupid but because all of us have behaviors that are not particularly useful in a work context.

Requesting good, honest observations from our teammates has multiple benefits for everyone. Asking for feedforward helps us be open-minded to what others have to say, and we have an opportunity to make a behavioral change. By offering observations about others, we help team members improve, and we become invested in the changes as we share our thoughts. In this type of exchange, both people have a chance to create a more trusting relationship going forward. Through feedforward, we can explore how to improve things and send a message to teammates that, from this point forward, we are invested in each other’s success.

This week, try asking for some feedforward from your teammates. Ask a fellow teammate what he or she observed about you in a meeting you both attended. Or you could ask a team member in advance of a conference call to pay special attention to your tone of voice and your messaging — did he or she think that others understood what you were trying to say? How about asking for some behavioral suggestions, such as how you might be more articulate at the up-coming status meeting or how you might share more information with others over the next month?

I used to have a boss who often asked me what he could do to improve. I remember how unusual I thought this was. We met every week to talk about the status of projects, any challenges I was having with my team, and generally, how I was doing. When we were just about done, he would always ask, “What can I do to help you be more successful? What can I do to be a better boss?” I remember how uncomfortable his question made me at first, but after a while, I got pretty good at sharing my observations of his behavior and even made suggestions I thought would help him. I never realized how important his question was and what a difference it made in my ability to share feedback with others.

This week, try experimenting with feedforward and see what kinds of suggestions you receive — as well as give.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Value of Taking a Risk

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about taking a risk. After an intense three days in Los Angeles, where I attended an executive coaching training program, I have emerged with a deeper understanding of what it means to take a risk.

I play it pretty safe. Now that I’m into my sixth decade, I’ve observed that I’m pretty conservative about the way I live my life. I keep money in savings. I try not to spend too much and pay off my credit cards each month. I stay in touch with family and friends, sometimes not as often as I’d like. I get just enough exercise and try to eat what’s good for me. I try to use the advice my father gave me of “everything in moderation.”

In my business, I’m the same way. I made sure I got a good, solid coaching education before I went into the business. I use many of the same tools I’ve used for years that are tried and true. I rely on referrals for new business (no major marketing campaigns for me!), and I don’t charge my clients too much for my services compared to many in my profession.

Many of my clients play it safe as well. They go to work each day to jobs that are pretty demanding at times but that don’t require huge changes in how they approach their day-to-day challenges. Some of my clients take more risks in their jobs than others, depending on the demands of their role in the organization, but these people sometimes tend to play it safe in their personal lives. I remember one client saying to me, “I have no problem taking risks when I’m negotiating a deal for the company, but when it comes to my personal life, no way!” Perhaps one of the tenants I learned in my training is true: We tend to attract people whose values are similar to our own.

Occasionally, I work with folks in startup companies who love the energy that comes from taking risks. For them, taking a real risk might mean sitting quietly for a day rather than letting the startup pace speed them through one task after another. What would they do if they couldn’t get swept up in that momentum for a day? What would it mean to just stop for a day? Pretty risky proposition for someone who loves the speed and high intensity of a startup.

Over the past week in my coaching training, something began to dawn on me. How long had it been since I had taken a risk? When I changed professions from recruiting to coaching, I took a risk. Most of my recruiting clients didn’t even know what coaching was (I’m not sure I knew what coaching was back then) because the profession was in its infancy. Try telling a customer who’s come to you for one service that he or she really needs a different service. You get a lot of “not interested” comments in return.

I took a risk when I pulled up stakes in California after 20 years and moved to Oregon. I only knew a few people in Portland, and I knew very little about the city or its culture. But I remember distinctly knowing that leaving the Bay Area was what I needed to do. I just wasn’t at all sure that Portland was the right place to land.

Taking those risks changed my life for the better in more ways than I imagined. It wasn’t as though everything in Portland turned out to be perfect. There were lots of challenges and obstacles to overcome — plenty of scary moments when I thought, “What have I done?” or “Why did I do this?”

What I see in retrospect is that the hardest part of taking the risk was changing how I looked at the losses and gains. Taking a risk requires a change in mindset. You have to go from focusing on what you’ll lose to what you’ll gain. You have to keep your mind on the benefits that taking the risk can bring, rather than focusing on the losses. And it means not allowing yourself to wallow in regrets when things don’t go exactly as you hope they will. My good friend Kimberlee completely changed her life five years ago when she left a high-powered corporate job and moved to southern France. She recently wrote on her blog, “After years of saying, ‘If only,” I’m now saying, ‘It’s only.’” (Read the full blog post at http://noregretsforme.blogspot.com.) Being comfortable with risk means forgiving and letting go of what used to be and allowing what can become. It’s seeing that taking a risk doesn’t mean your life is coming to an end.

This past week, I realized that the time is right to take some risks in my business. I went to the training looking for some new tools to sharpen up my coaching. What I received was a totally new way to offer my services and run my business. Many of the ideas and processes that the trainers shared changed my perspective on coaching. For example, I learned that without regular input from your major stakeholders, your direct reports, your boss, your spouse, the incentive to actually change behaviors isn’t strong enough. Coaching is really all about helping people change the behaviors that are preventing them from being successful.

The use of 360-degree feedback is prevalent in most organizations because it’s a way to get feedback from your stakeholders on how you’re behaving. But just like performance reviews, you get this feedback only once or twice a year. The traditional 360 process has many other pitfalls, too, such as people spending more time trying to guess who the anonymous feedback came from rather than thanking people for their suggestions, or no checks and balances to follow up and see if the person receiving the feedback is actually making changes.

As a coach, when I work with people after they’ve received their 360 feedback, they often focus almost exclusively on the negative comments they received. They generally try to defend themselves with, “They just don’t understand me” or “I know they don’t like me and are trying to sabotage me.” Even the suggestions they think are worthwhile generally only get put into place for a little while before they return to their more comfortable ways of behaving. Net-net: There’s no permanent change in behavior.

In my training, I learned a process that actually ensures behavioral change. Yes, it takes a year to do it, and there are parts of it that can be tedious — because it’s very methodical. But everyone is involved in the process of improvement, and in the end, the entire team wins. So it’s a win-win for the person being coached and all the stakeholders.

This endorsement makes it sound like I can just immediately begin adapting this new approach. But it will be risky, so I’m now faced with the question of whether or not I’m willing to take the risk. What could I lose by doing this and what could I gain?

I believe if we ask for something, we get it. It doesn’t always come packaged the way we imagine it should be. I hoped for a husband that would be 6 feet 2 inches tall and blond. Instead, my husband is 5 feet 9 inches tall with dark hair. But I got what I really wanted and needed: someone who truly loves me. There’s power in asking for what you really want, and if you’re sincere, then taking the risks needed to get it and not getting stuck on what you think it should look like or how it should be will become part of the commitment you make to yourself.

I’ve asked for this opportunity to take a risk. I hate to admit it because it makes me fearful to think of making fundamental changes in my life. But I also know that when I’ve done this in the past, I have gained so much more than I ever imagined possible. It won’t be easy, but as Chaucer wrote, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

This week, ask yourself, “When was the last time I took a risk?” When did you force yourself out of the comfortable nest you were in to take your first flight? How long has it been since you took a completely different approach to how you do your business or launched headlong into a project that you know will confront you with challenges and obstacles along the way? Rather than focus on what’s preventing you from taking a risk, how about spending the week identifying something you’d really like to do but have been too afraid to attempt? Then take one step toward making it a reality.

Here are four wonderful quotes about risk-taking that I share with you this week to encourage all of us to take a risk.

“People who don’t take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year. People who do take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.” ~ Peter F. Drucker, management consultant, educator, and author

“You must lose a fly to catch a trout.” ~ George Herbert, poet, orator and priest

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So, throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Mark Twain, writer and humorist

“Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. ~ James B. Conant, educator and scientist

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Noticing the Coming of Spring

Good day, team.

Yesterday was Groundhog Day, and our weather predictor, Punxsutawney Phil, did not see his shadow. If you believe in the age-old tradition of watching the groundhog emerge from his hole for breakfast on Feb. 2 to see if he casts a shadow or not, this year we’re going to have an early spring.

My challenge this week is to take notice of the changing seasons. We often don’t tune in to the seasonal changes because our lives are so busy. We don’t rely on the heat of the sun in spring and summer to keep us warm. And when we need food, we just go to the grocery store to buy what we want. But ultimately, our warmth and our food do come from nature, and the coming of each new season is a reminder of that.

Winter is a time of dormancy and hibernation. Try leaving the cocoon of your warm bed on a dark, cold morning — every effort you make seems the opposite of what the environment is telling you to do. Conversely, try staying in bed on a bright summer morning, when the birds are singing and the earth is fully awake. It’s tough to lie in bed when you’re being encouraged to get up and do things. Mother Nature sends us very clear messages about each season, and it’s up to us to either embrace them or ignore them.

This morning, I went out for a walk on our property in the Columbia Gorge. The sun was rising from the east through fog and low clouds. It cast huge beams of radiant light across the spectacular rock face across the Columbia River. I saw a tree filled with expectant robins anxious to find some fat worms in the ground. The docile cows on our neighbors’ hill gave me a peaceful look, as if to say, “It’s a fine morning, and all’s right with the world.” Under my feet, tiny green plants were emerging, an emerald carpet stretched out before me on what was brown mud a month ago. An occasional dot of color drew my attention to an emerging wildflower. This type of moment brings me back to home base, to a place within myself where I can tune in to nature and her reminder of what’s important.

As I headed back to the house, I saw some daffodils beginning to peak out of the ground — only ¼ inch tall, but nonetheless, bright green shoots poking up from the dirt. This made me smile and reminds me of the courage these lovely flowers have each year, popping up without fear of frost or ruin from a sudden late winter storm.

Courage and boldness are what spring is all about. This is when nature says, “Be bold. Don’t be afraid to grow and flower.” It’s when all animals, birds, bugs and bees wake up and rejoice in the coming of plentiful food and more agreeable temperatures. It’s when nature encourages us to grow and expand, to create and reach out for more opportunities.

This week, observe how the energy of springtime encourages activity and boldness. Try getting out to greet what little bits of spring are beginning to emerge. In preparation for the full-blown emergence of the season, think about what you’ll do over the next few months to boldly take advantage of spring’s active energy. What may have seemed too hard to do in winter, might just seem possible with the coming of spring. How about using the vibrant energy of the season to do something you otherwise would consider risky?

Author Christopher Morley wrote,

“April prepares her green traffic light and the world thinks ‘Go.’”

Spring gives us the oomph that seems so inaccessible on a wintry day. How will you use it to enrich your life and take you beyond your limitations?

I’m not naïve enough to think that just because Punxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow yesterday morning, that the Pacific Northwest won’t dump more winter on us. I’ll still keep the wood stove going out at our house in the Gorge for a few more months. But the daffodils won’t retreat, and the robins won’t fly away. They know that spring is around the corner, and they will remind me that I can take advantage of the season to be bold and to revel in its beauty.

As Percy Bysshe Shelley wrote,

“And Spring arose on the garden fair,

Like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere;

And each flower and herb on Earth’s dark breast

rose from the dreams of its wintry rest.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover

Good day, team.

Right before the end of last year, I wrote a challenge titled “The Importance of Emotional Connection.” The piece focused on my experience with the surgeon and other healthcare providers when I had nose surgery right before this past Thanksgiving. This week’s challenge offers a follow-up to that piece as well as an important lesson.

You may recall that my doctor’s lack of attempt to emotionally connect with me made my surgery doubly difficult. And it wasn’t just his inability but also the lack of effort made by the nurses and other health professionals to make any sincere connection with me. When we work with others in any capacity, I think it’s important to make an effort to emotionally connect, even if it’s only to make eye contact or to ask how they’re doing. Without this connection, it’s difficult to establish trust, and without trust, it’s difficult for people to work together. In my view, it’s what my doctor needed to do to be really successful. If he continued to leave the heart out of his interactions with his patients, he wouldn’t become the compassionate healer that most of us desire in our health professionals.

Here’s how I put it in the challenge:

“For Dr. Han to really be successful, he will need to spend some time working on his emotional intelligence. He will need to learn how to connect with his patients so that he has a better understanding of how they are feeling. I don’t recommend that his empathy get in the way of his expertise but taking time to actually see the person he is treating will help him be a better doctor, a more compassionate healer and a more intuitive human being.”

Last week, I went back to see my doctor for my eight-week, follow-up appointment. As I sat in the waiting room, I prepared myself for the same experience I ‘d had at my previous visits to see him. I knew what would happen: I would walk into the examining room and wait for the doctor to come in. He would enter the room, probably shake my hand, not look me in the eye, shine a light up my nose, make some comments about my recovery, give me advice about what to do next and be gone. “It will be exactly the same,” I thought, “and probably even worse since I’m doing fine and he’s pretty much done with me. No emotional connection whatsoever. Oh well. His loss. If he doesn’t care enough to really be attentive to me or to authentically inquire about how I’m doing, too bad for him.” As I walked to the examining room, I thought, “This time I’m ready for his cold, dispassionate approach.”

And then he walked into the room.

“Hi Kathleen,” he said with a huge smile on his face. He looked me right in the eyes, walked over to me and held out his hand. As he shook my hand, his other hand reached over and patted me on the shoulder, “How are you doing? I mean, you look great … still a little swollen, but that nose is healing really well. What do you think?” Frankly, I almost fell off the stool. Was this the same guy? The cold, uncaring surgeon I had experienced was suddenly transformed into a happy, caring, approachable guy who seemed sincerely interested in what my experience had been. How could this be? I had him pegged, and now he was being just the opposite of what I had defined him to be.

Our appointment was as different this time as you could ever imagine. He asked me great questions. He listened to me and never took his eyes away from mine when I spoke. He seemed genuinely interested in how I was doing. At the end of our appointment, I believed him when he said, “I’m so glad you’re breathing better, and this is working for you. I don’t feel successful unless my patients are really happy with their results.”

As I walked out of the doctor’s office that day, I realized I had just learned a great lesson. If we’re so quick to define people by our first experiences with them, we run the risk of not noticing that they are more than that. If we put them in a box and label it “unable to emotionally connect and therefore, deficient,” as I did with my doctor, we might just leave them in that box. Then if they exhibit a different kind of behavior that’s outside of that box, we don’t see it.

By putting my doctor in a box and labeling him, I end up losing the most. My doctor is still what he is. If I only see him the way I initially defined him, then I’m the one who’s actually trapped in a box — a box labeled, “narrow-minded.” If I can’t see that he’s actually more than what my first impressions revealed, then I miss out and my narrow opinions stay intact.

This week, notice the thoughts and feelings you have about others. Are you convinced that they’re a particular way because that’s been your only experience of them? Do you believe that’s the only way they’ll ever be? Are you unable to see that most people have lots of different behaviors and states of mind and heart, depending on their day, their stress level, their own experiences? What would you need to do to be able to look at someone anew?

The irony of the situation with my surgeon was not lost on me. By being so quick to define my doctor as lacking in emotional intelligence, I lacked the ability to see him differently and ran the risk of shutting down my own emotional intelligence in the process.

This week, try seeing your co-workers, friends and family members with an open mind and heart. Try not to keep them in small boxes with big labels convincing you that your opinions and observations are correct. Think about how frustrating it is when you’ve worked hard to change some of your own behaviors and others don’t recognize those changes. How does it make you feel when you know someone judges and then labels you as being only one way when you know you’re capable of being many ways, depending on the situation?

Fortunately, my doctor shocked me with his friendly, warm and emotionally connected behavior last week. That shock woke me up and helped me to respond to him in the moment, rather than only seeing him as I saw him before. As my mother used to say, “Never judge a book by its cover.” I used to think she told me that because it would be unfair to the person I was judging. Now, I know that the person who really loses in that situation is me. By judging the book by its cover, you never open the book to read it — and that’s where the real story begins.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Resolving to Be More Kind and Peaceful in the New Year

Good day, team.

It is the start of 2013 and a wonderful time to begin anew. Many of us come up with similar New Year’s resolutions. We resolve to exercise more, eat better, keep our weight under control, be more organized, reach out to family and friends more often, etc. The list is endless. These types of resolutions are often not the hardest for me to keep throughout the year. I actually resolve to do these things daily, and I have more or less success with them, depending on how much self-discipline I can muster.

This year, I thought I’d make a deeper inquiry into what I’m holding onto from the year before that is particularly difficult to let go of or change. What behaviors am I continuing that prevent me from being healthier physically and psychologically? What attitudes am I harboring that prevent me from moving forward or seeing something differently? What prevents me from experiencing the peace and freedom that is inherent in my heart?

The resolutions that I find especially hard to keep have to do with forgiveness, loving kindness and peace. These three states of mind and heart seem to be challenged most often in our interactions with others.

Unfortunately, it’s not difficult to recall a few heinous crimes that occurred over the past several months and that lead to the deaths of children and adults at the hands of young men. How do we forgive the young men who perpetrated these crimes? Where is our ability to transform our anger, our resentment and our fear? As Albert Camus wrote, “We all carry within us our places of exile, our crimes, our ravages. Our task is not to unleash them on the world; it is to transform them in ourselves and others.” Forgiveness releases the forgiver from resentment and fear. It allows the forgiver to transform the negativity and restore peace and love into his or her heart. As for the forgiven, the miracle of redemption is possible. Offering another person the time and space to change, to turn evil deeds into noble ones, is the true result of forgiveness. No matter how extreme the circumstances, a transformation of the heart is possible.

One of my favorite stories about forgiveness comes from Roberto De Vicenzo, the famous Argentine golfer, who upon winning a tournament received a large check for his victory. After receiving the check and smiling for the cameras at the clubhouse, he walked alone to his car in the parking lot. There, a young woman approached him. She congratulated him on his victory and then told him that her child was seriously ill and near death.

De Vicenzo was touched by her story and took out a pen and endorsed his winning check for payment to the woman. “Make some good days for the baby,” he said as he pressed the check into her hand.

The next week, he was having lunch in a country club when a PGA official came to his table. “Some of the guys in the parking lot last week told me you met a young woman there after you won the tournament.” De Vicenzo nodded. “Well,” said the official, “I have news for you. She’s a phony. She’s not married. She has no sick baby. She fleeced you, my friend.”

“You mean there is no baby who is dying?” said De Vincenzo.

“That’s right.”

“That’s the best news I’ve heard all week,” said De Vincenzo.

By forgiving the thief and remembering what was most important, De Vincenzo shows us the greatness of his heart.

One of the biggest blocks to loving kindness is our own sense of unworthiness. If we leave ourselves out of the circle of love and compassion, we have misunderstood. The Buddha said, “You can search the whole universe and not find a single being more worthy of love than yourself. Since each and every person is so precious to themselves, let the self-respecting harm no other being.

It starts with cultivating loving kindness toward ourselves — free of judgment and self-deprecation. This then becomes the foundation for experiencing loving kindness toward others. Each day, I try to make an effort to help another. Sometimes I stop at an intersection to allow a pedestrian or bicyclist to go before me. Other times, I hold the door open for someone or give a checkout clerk a smile at the grocery store. What prevents me from doing these small kindnesses? Usually, I’m in a hurry or too self-absorbed with my worries.

Mother Theresa once said, “I never look at the masses as my responsibility. I look at the individual. I can only love one person at a time. I can only feed one person at a time. Just one, just one … So you begin — I begin. I picked up one person — maybe if I didn’t pick up that one person, I wouldn’t have picked up 42,000. The whole work is only a drop in the ocean. But if I didn’t put that drop in, the ocean would be one drop less. Same thing for you, same thing in your family, same thing in your community, where you live. Just begin … one, one, one.”

Finding peace means surrendering our illusions of control. Human beings are constantly in combat — at war to escape the limitations of circumstances we cannot control. We fight against evil, we fight for good, we fight to maintain, we fight to win. We courageously wage war over what’s right and what’s wrong. Even when we work too hard to be good, we can lose our inner peace and tranquility.

Thomas Merton wrote, “To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to the violence of our times.

I try to take peace as my responsibility. Only I can affect the quality of my inner state and when I’m feeling peaceful, there is a greater possibility that I’ll project that peace onto others. I often ask myself, “What do I have to let go of to be at peace right now?” The renowned Buddhist teacher, Jack Kornfield wrote,

“If you put a spoonful of salt

in a cup of water

it tastes very salty.

If you put a spoonful of salt

in a lake of fresh water

the taste is still pure and clean.

Peace comes when our hearts are

open like the sky,

vast as the ocean.”

This week, explore these three qualities of forgiveness, loving kindness and peace. Which one challenges you most? What kind of attention will make it more of a reality in your life? Are you willing to think that peace is possible for you? Is there something you can do in this moment to extend your loving kindness to another? Are you cultivating forgiveness in your heart by letting go of hate and resentment? What can you do this week to let go of last year’s baggage that prevents you from experiencing these qualities?

Life changes unexpectedly. Although events can be difficult, I know the key to my happiness lies in how I respond to them. With forgiveness, loving kindness and peace, I have a better chance of allowing life to be as it is while I remain gathered in my inner strength and compassion.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Many of the quotes in this week’s challenge came from a wonderful little book titled “The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness and Peace” by Jack Kornfield. I am grateful to him for compiling such wisdom.

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.