Get Rid of Stuff and Making Space

 

Let’s consider the physical and psychological benefits of keeping what we need and shedding the rest.  I’ve spent the last two weekends helping others do just that.

I recall the year that my mother-in-law and my mother passed away within months of each other. Both events involved a process of sorting through their belongings, deciding what to keep and what to give or throw away.  The burden that comes from keeping things that simply take up space became clear. A personal space can become like that junk drawer in the kitchen –  so full you can hardly open it.  The experience of ridding oneself of unnecessary, seldom used, and no-longer-useful stuff is liberating.  It opens up the space around us and allows for a  more expansive and creative environment.

In the first case, family members met at my mother’s-in-law apartment to pack up the last of her belongings.  This didn’t take very long since her lifestyle was minimized by her poor health. Over the past 5 years, her need for care caused a series of moves to smaller spaces. Each move gave us an opportunity to sort through what she needed and what she didn’t. As I watched myself and others pack up the last of her favorite knick-knacks, throw away the bathroom necessities, save the photographs of grand and great grandchildren, and pile the clothes to take to Goodwill, I realized that in the end, she had made this exercise easy for us. Even her rings had been removed when her fingers had become too swollen to wear them.  She left this world as she came in, unadorned and unattached.

In my mother’s case, we made an attempt to help her clear out her clutter before she died. She hadn’t done a thorough clearing-out since she and my step-father settled into their home 15+ years before and now that he had passed away, I needed to move her closer to where we lived.  This turned out to be an entirely different process.  It’s not easy letting go of the things you’ve kept over many years.  As I worked with her – taking a book off the shelf and asking her, “Do you want to keep this?”  I could see that she knew exactly what could go and what she wasn’t sure about.  “Well, I do look at that book from time to time and I do enjoy it.”  So, back onto the shelf it would go. Most often she would say, “Nope. I don’t need those anymore.”  And so it went, closet after closet, drawer after drawer.  Sometimes she would say, “I don’t know where that came from” or “Goodness, I haven’t seen that in years.” Clearly, she had lots of unnecessary stuff.

We live in a consumer-driven society that promises happiness, convenience, and peace of mind through ownership.   If you buy this, you’ll be happier, more comfortable, more attractive, etc.  As a result, our homes and offices fill with loads of things that take up space and even become health hazards.  Have you ever tripped over a chord or a box in your office?  How about in your home?  Is your garage or basement so full of stuff that you can’t get to some of it?  Do you have an attic that’s full of old documents and photographs, Christmas ornaments and wrapping paper – things that could easily catch fire?

The process of sorting through and unloading what’s no longer needed is a healthy practice. It allows us to re-set our priorities and take a new approach.  And, more importantly, it takes away an irritant that we tend to tolerate far too long.  I’ve heard myself swear as I’ve yanked at the junk drawer unable to open it because something was stuck. We all know how great it feels to create order out of chaos.

Take a look around you.  Are you surrounded by stuff that you no longer use? How about the files on your computer? Are they simply taking up disk space? Is your closet full of things you never wear?  When was the last time you sorted through your personal belongings and let go of stuff?  Start with one small drawer. See how it feels to sort through it and keep only what you really need.  Then, sometime next week, tackle a bigger project and see how that feels.  After awhile, you can take on your basement or your garage. Spring cleaning can happen anytime of the year and always yields great results.

Years ago, I applied this idea of sorting through things to my relationships.  I realized that some of my friendships were not good for me and I had to let them go.  It took me years to do this – deciding which relationships were healthy for me and which ones were not.  It allowed me to open up enough space in my life to attract new friendships that were healthier and more supportive.  I understood that deciding what to embrace and what to release was one of the better paths toward a happier life.

Make some choices about what to keep and what to dump.  You may create a little bit of light where there was none and some space for something new to enter.

Kathleen

 

Poem About Aging

Here is a poem my husband wrote when his mother died.  She was a modern woman who lived her 93 years with grit and humor. She left a legacy of many years of community service, a successful career in the insurance industry, and a healthy family with lots of grand and great grandchildren.  In her memory, I am posting this poem my husband wrote as a result of her passing.

Poem on Aging

The vanguard is down

Arthur Lloyd, reckless father

Jean Vivian, valiant mother

Both gone

I am drafted, trained poorly

And sent to the front

Suddenly in change and clueless

In a fight that cannot be won

Purple scars cover recent wounds

With more to come surely

before the final blow

Perhaps now its just a matter

of earning style points

~David White

Kathleen



 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Dangers of Certainty

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


I often observe how being certain of someone or something is comforting.  At the same time, I think it’s a healthy practice to consider that certainty can be dangerous as well.


A close friend of mine sent me a New York Times article ― “The Dangers of Certainty: A Lesson From Auschwitz” by Simon Critchley. The article profiles Dr. Jacob Bronowski, a Polish-born British mathematician who wrote a number of highly regarded books on science and poetry. He also narrated a series of 12 essays that were televised as “The Ascent of Man.” The 11th essay was title “Knowledge and Certainty.” Here are some of Dr. Bronowski’s thoughts on the subject, as excerpted from the Times article:


“There is no God’s eye view, Dr. Bronowski insisted, and the people who claim that there is and that they possess it are not just wrong, they are morally pernicious. Errors are inextricably bound up with pursuit of human knowledge, which requires not just mathematical calculation but insight, interpretation and a personal act of judgment for which we are responsible. The emphasis on the moral responsibility of knowledge was essential for all of Dr. Bronowski’s work. The acquisition of knowledge entails a responsibility for the integrity of what we are as ethical creatures.


“Dr. Bronowski thought that the uncertainty principle should therefore be called the ‘principle of tolerance.’ Pursuing knowledge means accepting uncertainty. Heisenberg’s principle has the consequence that no physical events can ultimately be described with absolute certainty or with ‘zero tolerance,’ as it were. The more we know, the less certain we are.


“In the everyday world, we do not just accept a lack of ultimate exactitude with a melancholic shrug, but we constantly employ such inexactitude in our relations with other people. Our relations with others also require a principle of tolerance. We encounter other people across a gray area of negotiation and approximation. Such is the business of listening and the back and forth of conversation and social interaction.”


As I read this, I thought about the importance of questioning our own assumptions about others, being willing to test these assumptions and let them go if they appear no longer true or applicable. This state of mind and heart is challenging when we want to help someone improve themselves. We always have a vision of how we think the person should behave. To make that picture a reality, we steer him or her in that direction. More than a few times, however, I’ve been pleasantly surprised when a client of mine finds a different way to improve. These clients generally start to “take off” with enthusiastic glee as they begin to see more positive outcomes in their relationships with others. If I try to hold them to my picture, their enthusiasm turns into resentment at my attempts to control them.


In coaching, it’s critical not to judge others based on our own standards of behavior or certainty. You may be investing time, energy and money into helping someone improve, but being patient and tolerant while they’re going through the process will enable the new person to emerge. Part of your job is to supply encouragement and to give them room to make the changes they want to make. If you hold too tightly to your idea of what those changes should look like ― or even what the process for making them should be ― you may not recognize when the other person actually changes.


“For Dr. Bronowski, the moral consequence of knowledge is that we must never judge others on the basis of some absolute, God-like conception of certainty. All knowledge, all information that passes between human beings, can be exchanged only within what we might call ‘a play of tolerance,’ whether in science, literature, politics or religion. As he eloquently put it, ‘Human knowledge is personal and responsible, an unending adventure at the edge of uncertainty.’”


These thoughts are quite personal for Dr. Bronowski because many of his family members were killed at Auschwitz.* He makes the point that at the heart of fascism is that terrible certainty that leads one to despicable acts against other human beings.


“The play of tolerance opposes the principle of monstrous certainty that is endemic to fascism and, sadly, not just fascism but all the various faces of fundamentalism. When we think we have certainty, when we aspire to the knowledge of the gods, then Auschwitz can happen and can repeat itself. Arguably, it has repeated itself in the genocidal certainties of past decades.”


I have found it helpful to take a look at the ideas, feelings and opinions I feel certain about. How do these certainties apply to my relationships? I have friends who have drastically different religious beliefs or political beliefs that  I’m convinced are completely wrong. I’ve had co-workers who wanted to take a very different approach to solving the problem we were both working on.   I’ve seen managers and leaders trying to convince their team members to change their behaviors to suit a picture of how you think they should be. I have family members who irritate me because they’re not doing what I want them to do. I have to ask myself,  how certain am I that I’m right and they’re wrong?


Dr. Bronowski was a scientist, and he believed that inherent in all good science was the idea that nothing is certain. He wrote, “One aim of the physical sciences has been to give an actual picture of the material world. One achievement of physics in the 20th century has been to show that such an aim is unattainable.”

Critchley writes, “For Dr. Bronowski, there was no absolute knowledge and anyone who claims it ― whether a scientist, a politician or a religious believer ― opens the door to tragedy. All scientific information is imperfect, and we have to treat it with humility. Such, for him, was the human condition.”


Try observing your certainties and consider that you might be wrong. Your observations of others are through a lens of thoughts and opinions that are only one view. Instead, use your creative imagination and a broader humility to open up to others and see their fallibility’s as well as their successes. Ultimately, we’ll grow a greater appreciation for all human beings, including ourselves.


Kathleen

* Here is an excerpt from the 11th episode in the documentary Ascent of Man, “Knowledge and Certainty,” narrated by Dr. Jacob Bronowski: http://youtube/p5Umbn6ZBuE


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Getting Enough Sleep

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
I often have clients who have trouble sleeping.  This has inspired me to do research about how to sleep better and ways to get more of it. Here’s an article entitled,  “Get Some Sleep and Wake Up the GDP,” which I read in The New York Times by Sendhil Mullainathan, a professor of economics at Harvard. It’s about the importance of getting enough sleep, and I’m taking the liberty of reprinting it in total because after reading it, I realized I couldn’t leave anything out. 


“January is always a good month for behavioral economics: Few things illustrate self-control as vividly as New Year’s resolutions. February is even better, though, because it lets us study why so many of those resolutions are broken. 


“But a more important question may involve a resolution that so many of us fail to make. It involves a commodity that nearly everybody needs more of, and our failure to address it arguably has as much impact on our well-being as inadequate exercise and unhealthy eating.


“The problem is very simple: Many of us need more sleep.


“Here’s an alarming statistic: A survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that one in 25 people admitted to having fallen asleep while driving during the previous month. To put that in perspective, mathematical models based on this data imply that an estimated 15 to 33 percent of all fatal crashes in the United States might involve a drowsy driver. But even that may be an underestimate, as some people who fall asleep at the wheel may be sheepish about acknowledging as much in a survey. 


“What does sleep have to do with economics? Doesn’t it sit squarely in the realm of physiology? 


“First, the economic consequences of inadequate sleep are surely huge. There may be more sleepy workers than drivers. In one month in 2008, a poll showed that 29 percent of workers had fallen asleep or had been very sleepy at work. The effects can add up: one study in Australia calculated the cost of sleeplessness at 0.8 percent of the country’s gross domestic product. 


“Yet even that number, which emphasizes the physical and medical consequences of inadequate sleep, omits the biggest potential impact on the GDP. Most of today’s workers rely on their mental and social skills. And if those workers don’t get enough sleep, their lethargy crankiness and poor decision-making will hurt the economy in assorted and significant ways. 


“For example, one study has shown that ‘cyberloafing’ — wasting time on the internet — increases on the day after the start of daylight saving time, when people are short an hour of sleep. Other research shows how cognitive performance deteriorates when sleep is inadequate: We have less capacity to remember, to learn or to be creative, and we become less optimistic and less sociable. And these consequences aren’t reserved for extreme sleep loss: Studies show that two weeks of sleeping only six hours a night can have the same impact as one or two nights of total sleep deprivation. 


“There is an odd divide here. Ask why one person had an unproductive day at work, and lack of sleep often seems an obvious answer. But ask why national productivity has fallen, and reduced sleep can appear to be a frivolous answer. Yet what is total output but the sum of all individuals’ work? 


“Sleep deserves serious study by behavioral economists for another important reason. Some struggle with medical issues — like insomnia — that make sleep hard. But for many of us, the quantity and quality of sleep come down to a matter of choice. Still, only a few enterprising economists have looked closely at this, and generally those have assumed that we choose our hours of sleep optimally. The idea is that we thoughtfully trade the use of an hour of sleep for an hour spent doing something else. But it is worth questioning the assumption that these are rational and optimal choices. Judge for yourself. Was watching that extra episode of ‘Slow Horses’ last night worth the sluggishness you’re feeling right now?


“We also need to ask another question: Why do we neglect our sleep? It’s not as if the ill effects of fatigue are a surprise. If for no reason other than self-interest, we are vigilant about our children’s sleep, so it’s hard to understand why we are so cavalier about our own. This puzzle is even more pointed because the benefits of sleep are immediate. Eat better or work out more, and you’ll see the benefits weeks, months or years down the road. Sleep more, and you’ll see the benefits tomorrow. 


“The research on this question is sparse, so we must speculate. 


“Part of the problem may stem from a misunderstanding of physiology. We may overestimate our ability to overcome the effects of sleep deprivation. Have you ever told yourself, ‘I’ll be tired, but I’ll just tough it out’? It’s easy to think that willpower will make us alert. Or we may believe that caffeine compensates for lost sleep. While it can make us more alert, as shown in a study. on Navy SEALs, it does not restore all mental function. And it makes sleeping well even harder. 


“The problem is aggravated by a common belief that lost sleep can be made up for, that we can manage our ‘sleep debt.’ But why should we be any better with this debt than we are with money? When the time comes for a payback, there always seems to be something more appealing for our money or time. 


“Whatever the reasons, the problem appears to be spreading. One careful study found that the number of ‘short sleepers’ — those who got fewer than six hours of sleep a night — rose 22 percent from 1975 to 2006, a trend that was most pronounced and significant among full-time workers. 


“Technology is an obvious culprit here. Internet searching and cellphone use both flourish in the wee hours. Before the dawn of the Web, I would stay up watching television. But there is something soporific about television: I would often nod off. Not so when I’m online. As technologies expand, these problems may only worsen. 


“We can do something about this in our own lives. It’s not too late to add a resolution for this still-young year: to partake more in what Shakespeare called the ‘chief nourisher in life’s feast.’ A good night’s sleep has immediate effects on our productivity, and, best of all, it can even help us keep our other resolutions.”


 


Kathleen


 


 


 




 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Managing Perceptions

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This week’s challenge is about managing people’s perceptions. The following blog post by Robert Curtiss, actor and psychotherapist, is from www.backstage.com. It got me thinking about how people perceive one another.


“How What You Do Affects How You’re Perceived


“Behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his own image.” — Chinese fortune cookie


“I recently read the saying above on the ‘fortune’ in my fortune cookie, and it reminded me of other similar sayings, such as ‘Actions speak louder than words’ and ‘You are what you do.’ All of these sayings boil down to the same simple truth: We show the world what kind of people we are by what we do. Literally. How we treat others, how we look, how we manage our time are some ways, to list a few. Our behavior gives powerful nonverbal messages to others that tell them what to think about us. After all, they may say, ‘Never judge a book by its cover,’ but we all make assessments and judgments based on the available evidence before us. Knowing this can help us shape how others perceive us.


“Our attire and our personal hygiene send strong messages. People may not consciously note that you look clean and neat, but they definitely notice when you are sloppy or otherwise not well-groomed.


“How we manage our time sends a powerful message too. When we are on time, we are showing others that we are ready and eager for our appointment. Whereas when we are late, we may give the impression that we do not value other people’s time, and we are not responsible. This may not be true, but it leaves a lasting impression.


“When we are kind to others and offer them care and concern, our actions reflect kindly upon ourselves, and when we speak about others behind their backs, it says to others that we probably talk about them behind their backs as well.


“How do you perceive yourself, and how do you want to be perceived by the world? Think about that. Think of ways to behave that promote that perception in yourself and in others.”


This subject comes up frequently in my coaching sessions. People often feel judged unfairly by their co-workers. They hear comments that they’re convinced are off base, or they know that others are forming opinions about them that aren’t true. For example, one of my clients was told by his boss recently that he had to let one of his team members go because of poor performance. My client was aware that his team member needed to improve and was working with him to do this. But too much time had gone by, and the manager decided it was time for that person to leave the company.


When it came time to terminate the team member, my client told him why he needed to leave. The team member took the news professionally and gracefully left the company. But the rest of the team was unhappy that their teammate was asked to leave. They were incredibly angry with my client for terminating him, assumed the termination was his sole decision and accused him of unfairly treating their teammate.


As my client said to me, “I could have easily told everyone that my boss made me do this, but it’s my responsibility to manage this team effectively, and it didn’t seem right to hand the blame off to someone else. However, now I have a much bigger problem. The team doesn’t trust me, and I’m being perceived as a tyrant rather than a fair boss.”


This is a classic case of misperception. What people see is a reflection of their understanding. When we only see something from a limited viewpoint, we draw conclusions that are not true. My client will have to be consistent in treating his team members fairly to increase their understanding of who he is and how he works if he wants to change their current perceptions of him.


Ironically, it’s not my client who suffers the most in this scenario. He’s really not a tyrant, and so whatever perceptions others have of him in this vein, he’s not bound by. It’s the team members who have created these negative perceptions that suffer the most in their inability to see who he really is.


As William Blake, the great poet and engraver wrote, “If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.”


How accurate are your perceptions of others?  Are you basing your opinions on real facts and direct observations of each person’s actions? Maybe, like in the case of my client, someone is not really responsible for a decision but is actually acting on someone else’s instructions and doing the best they can. Are you only focusing on someone’s weaknesses and not their strengths? Or are you so opinionated about something that you can’t see someone else’s point of view? Does this make you right and the other person wrong? Is a situation actually someone else’s fault or are there many more things to consider?


Try opening up your doors of perception. You’ll see that many possibilities exist beyond the ones that come immediately to mind. If you can remember what it’s like to be judged unfairly, you may be able to look at others with a more open mind. You may just find that when you take another look at the person, things look differently.


“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” — Wayne Dyer


Kathleen


 




 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Respond vs. React

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


Let’s take a look at how to respond rather than react. When we respond to a situation, there is an element of thought behind the process. We take some time to think about what we want to say or do beforehand. When we react, we simply act from whatever thought or emotion is predominant without much awareness or consideration.


I put my foot in my mouth. We all know that phrase; it’s when we say something that we wish we hadn’t. It usually happens when we simply react and blurt out a comment that we haven’t put much thought into. This often happens when we have a negative reaction to something ― for example, when we feel defensive. When someone provokes me, I tend to react strongly, and the words that come out of my mouth can be combative.


In contrast, if we take a bit of time to think about what we really want to communicate, we might get a better result. Our thinking time might only be three seconds, but those seconds can mean the difference between saying something you regret and communicating something that leads to a much better discussion. The trick here is in the timing. Our emotional reactions are incredibly quick, and our rational thinking often takes a few moments to catch up.


So how do we develop an internal pause button that allows us to take a breath and think about how we want to respond? Here are some suggestions for finding the space needed to think before we speak:


>   Recognize the stimulus. What’s triggering your reaction? Through self-awareness, we can see what makes our heart rate rise, what makes our breathing become shallow, what makes our thoughts immediately turn negative. Most people get defensive about the same things again and again. After repeated observations, you can learn to predict when you’re going to react negatively to something someone else does or says. Recognizing these triggers is key to learning to respond reasonably in the moment rather than reacting.

>   Who is reacting? After many years of observing my thoughts, I can recognize the aspects of myself that react to various situations. For example, one part of me always reacts the same way when I feel judged, pushing me to quickly voice justification for my actions.  The sad part is, I may think someone is judging me when they’re actually not. Then my defensive reaction makes no sense. If I can recognize my defensive feelings when they arise, I have an opportunity to pause and find another way to respond that isn’t so defensive.

>   Be present and press pause. If we can be present in the moment when a stimulus provokes us, we have a much better chance of pausing before we react. One way to be more present is to put your awareness in some part of your body – I usually try to feel my feet.  This awareness grounds me and allows me to see what’s happening with others as well as within myself. It gives me that small moment when I can pause, breathe and find a place of neutrality from which to respond.

>    Speak from mindfulness. Speaking from a more thoughtful place creates a world of difference. How often do you wish that you’d thought something through before you commented on it? Waking up at 2 a.m. with regrets about the things you said the day before is not fun. Lying awake for the next three hours rehearsing what you should have said is even worse. Try allowing your brain to influence your thoughts so that what comes out of your mouth has a better outcome.

>    Timing is everything. My father always used to say, “Think before you speak.” What he didn’t say was how to do that. In our everyday interactions, words travel swiftly between us, and we often don’t think about what’s being said. Taking the time to pause and ponder never harms any conversation. We can always stop for a moment ― no one is timing us ― to bring awareness to our thoughts and feelings before we actually speak.


Try experimenting with some of these suggestions in your dealings with others. Can you give yourself permission to pause? What do you experience when someone pushes your buttons? How many voices do you see within yourself and which ones serve you rather than degrade you? What’s the most useful thing you can say in the moment that will add value to the conversation rather than take away from it?


Just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it. Thoughts arise like fireflies on a summer night. They seem to come out of nowhere, flit and flicker for a few moments, and then disappear. These creatures can be quite compelling ― just like our thoughts ― but that doesn’t mean that one firefly is better than another. It requires a mindful presence to see which thoughts are worth expressing and which ones you can allow to fly away.


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Goals for the New Year

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


As we approach the end of a year and beginning of the next year, it’s a great time to think about what changes we might like to make in our behavior. The first word that comes to my mind is “patience.”


I’m not very patient. When I begin a project, whether it’s something as simple as folding sweaters in my closet or something more complex like helping a team improve their interactions with one another, I jump in with a gleeful enthusiasm and quickly find myself wanting to be done. I am results-oriented, and the desire to get something done compels me like an impatient horse at the starting gate, snorting and straining against the bit to get down the track as quickly as possible so I can get over the finish line. It’s not about winning; it’s about getting the thing done.


This impatient approach works extremely well when on a hot deadline. Need to put out a fire? I’m your girl. But when it comes to being highly deliberative, focused on quality, analytical and well-paced, I struggle.


So here’s my challenge. I’m in the business of listening and talking with people all day, and nothing makes me happier than to be present with another person. At the same time, my impatience nags at me. In the back of my mind, I’m often thinking, “Come on, come on ― let’s get to the bottom of this so we can solve the problem and move on.” This nagging impatience threatens to barge into my peaceful, thoughtful, open-hearted presence, and take over.


So how can I temper my enthusiasm for completion so that my energy can serve me appropriately? I love to get started, but sometimes I have a hard time going the distance. This doesn’t mean I’m not loyal ― I’ve had many of the same clients for years and have gone many distances with them. But on a case-by-case basis, I find that extending a bit of patience could mean the difference between staying in the moment with someone versus moving on to the next idea, opportunity or line of thinking. We all know how irritating it is to be talking with someone only to realize that they’ve stopped listening. Sometimes they interrupt you, and other times it’s obvious that they’ve started thinking about something else. Sometimes they move onto their next thought and leave you behind. It’s pretty disrespectful to stop paying attention in the middle of a conversation. And I admit, I’m guilty of this some of the time.


Moreover, I realize that at the heart of it, life has it’s own timing, and I’m not in control. But I’m impatient to take over and push, to drive circumstances to a successful end.


I experienced this most acutely as I watched my 93-year-old mother dying.  She had been in hospice for a number of months and because it was the beginning of Covid, I was not able to see her. More than a few times, I would receive a phone call from the facility that was caring for her to say that they didn’t think she’d make it to the end of the week. There were other times they’d been surprised by her sound mental and physical abilities.


One of the last times I was able to be with her, I sat next to her holding her hand and watching her move in and out of a disturbed sleep.  I realized that we don’t control death. It comes when it comes and that’s it. I know at times she had been impatient for all of the pain and suffering to end. But she’d had just as many days when she thought she might get better and was anxious to be able to get out of bed to do the simplest of things. No matter what her thoughts and no matter how impatient she may be to let go or hang on, it didn’t really make any difference. She had to take each moment as it came and accept, surrender and just be where she was.


What if down the road my own impatience decides it’s time to go, but death has not yet arrived? Or what if I become impatient with death and decide to fight it off? I believe we can be just as impatient to live as we can be to die. Ultimately, I’d prefer to peacefully accept my own death when it comes and not experience impatience with my circumstances and mortality.


Each year, one of my goals is to be more patient by allowing things to be what they are and trying not to force them. What is your goal for 2026? What area of your life, your psychology, your behavior, your methodology do you want to improve on, change, or just make better?


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Words of Wisdom

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


I am always amazed at how I find grace and wisdom in the most unlikely places.  Here is a post I wrote many years ago that could be as true today as it was then.


On a trip to California this week to visit a client, I found myself in a taxi at 4:45 in the morning en route to the airport. My taxi driver arrived right on time and greeted me with a broad smile as he took my bag and placed it in the trunk of the car.


Soon after leaving my home, we began to talk. Hearing his accent, I asked him where he was from. “Ethiopia,” he replied with a deep bass resonance in his voice. “Ahhh,” I replied. “I had a client once who is American but grew up there as the daughter of missionaries. She spoke very highly of your country and enjoyed her years there growing up.” And so our conversation continued about Ethiopia, his experience growing up there, the differences between his birthplace and America, etc.


We began to talk about the things that were most important to us as we were growing up. He spoke about always working at school and living in his small village with his family. He didn’t have much time for play as a kid and really didn’t have much time to enjoy the better parts of his culture. Ironically, now that he lives in the U.S., he makes an effort to meet with other Ethiopians to enjoy what bits of their native culture they can recreate here.


He talked about the differences between America and Ethiopia. As he put it, “Here, we all have food, a roof over our heads, a TV, a car, etc. It’s convenient. There, we had each other, and although it was primitive, there was much more connection between people. I took it for granted growing up. But not here. Here, I have to make time for the emotional connections I make with others.” I commented that I understood what he meant. I told him I had taken a year off to live in Italy when I was in my 30s, and that after being there a year, I observed that the Italians had created a daily routine that included about four to six events that allowed them to connect emotionally with each other ― early morning espresso at the coffee bar, mid-morning cappuccino break, long lunches, drinks before dinner in the local square and dinner. We agreed that some cultures have foregone quality emotional interactions for efficiency.


As we pulled up to the curb at the airport, my driver turned to me with his bright eyes and big smile. “You know,” he said, “all people have that special something in them, that thing that’s so hard to describe but is always there. I call it love, and of all the things we have in this world, it’s the most precious. To have a good life, we have to share it.”


I smiled back at my Ethiopian messenger. He reminded me of something I read in the Bible as a child: “You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” Luke 12:40.


It’s important to listen and hear the messages of grace, love and wisdom that come to you, often from the least likely places. Maybe it’s your child whose words remind you of what’s most important in your life. Perhaps it’s the produce guy at the grocery store who comments about vegetables in a way that reminds you how connected we are to the earth. Or maybe it’s a team member whose humorous remark in a moment, reveals something true about you.

These words of wisdom can come from anyone. Whatever the message, see them as gifts that come to you along the way.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us, “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.”


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
How Changing the Story Liberates Us

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


It’s worth exploring how our memories and stories about people and events stay locked in our minds and how we use them to justify current actions and to judge others. I recently read “The Sense of An Ending” by Julian Barnes. Briefly, it is a story about a man’s memories of a relationship he had with a woman early on in his life and how those memories become challenged when they are reintroduced many years later. The man realizes that the stories he’s told himself about her and the circle of friends and family they had around them at the time are grossly inaccurate.


The aspect of the book that stands out for me is how our memories of events stay locked away in our minds until we bring the stories back up to justify our current attitudes or actions ― and how difficult it is to change those stories, even when we realize they’re not true and that they do harm.


Here’s an example of how I’ve seen this play out in the work place:


Jim and Brian began working together on the same team three years ago. They both had strong and very different opinions about what direction the business should take over the next 12 months. They were passionate about their perspectives and tried influencing the rest of the management team to see their points of view. This pitted them against one another, and they both created strong negative attitudes toward each other.


This was difficult for the rest of the team. Most people could see pluses and minuses to each of their strategies for growing the business, but because Jim and Brian often fought against each other, team members tended to shy away from siding with one or the other. They became paralyzed whenever Jim and Brian were in the room. They just wanted them to stop fighting and to get along so the team could move forward.


Time went on, and it became apparent whose strategy was best for growing the business. But because Jim and Brian were caught in their memories of what happened three years prior when they were so opposed to each other, they had difficulty changing how they saw and felt about each other.


At some point, however, Jim and Brian began to see that the business was succeeding. This allowed them to change their relationship to one another. Jim’s strategy happened to be the better one, but he didn’t boast about it or say to Brian, “I told you so!” He just continued to try building the business. Brian, on the other hand, could have easily resented Jim as he saw Jim’s strategy succeeding, but he was smart enough to change his opinions and began supporting Jim, knowing they would all win in the end.


Overall, the biggest takeaway for me was seeing that both Jim and Brian had to change their views of each other. They had to stop telling themselves the same story they had created about the other. They had to forgive and forget and be pragmatic enough to know that, in the end, the business would succeed, and they would be liberated from their old stories. They could begin to accept each other in the present and appreciate what talents and strengths they both brought to the team.


In “The Sense of an Ending,” Barnes refers to this phenomenon this way:


“For years you survive with the same loops, the same facts and the same emotions. I press a button marked [the persons name], the tape runs, the usual stuff spools out. The events reconfirm the emotions ― resentment, a sense of injustice, relief ― and vice versa. There seems no way of accessing anything else; the case is closed ― which is why you seek corroboration, even if it turns out to be contradiction. But what if, even at a late stage, your emotions relating to those long-ago events and people change?”


For me, the lesson here is about changing our relationship to things when our opinions or beliefs no longer serve us or anyone else. It’s easy for us to create an opinion or belief about someone and then lock it away in our minds and hearts. It’s much more challenging to question those beliefs by asking ourselves if they are still true. Has the other person changed? Does he or she always do this to me? Is he or she always like that? Have I changed since I created that initial opinion? Have circumstances changed since I initially created that story?


These are all important questions that we can continue to ask ourselves about our held-fast beliefs about others.


Try seeing people for who they have become. Question your opinions about them, and ask yourself if your negative emotions and thoughts about them are still justified. Work at stopping the old story loop that replays itself in your head. Interrupt those thoughts by asking, “Is this still true? What purpose do my negative thoughts serve?” You can change the story by observing what is true now and being open-minded and open-hearted enough to accept what is now true about the other person.”


One of the best examples of this comes from Nelson Mandela’s history. He reminded us of what true liberation is all about.   It’s about being free in our hearts and minds from the negativity and resentment that imprison us. After he was set free from prison, Mandela embraced his captors and in some cases even hired them to work in his newly formed government. While others were angered and confused by his magnanimous gestures toward his enemies, he prevailed in his attempts to forgive and forget. And by so doing, he became one of the greatest leaders and heroes of our time.


As he so eloquently said, “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.”


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Tips from Mark Twain

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
I recently came across a piece called “Mark Twain’s Top 9 Tips for Living a Kick-Ass Life,” and one insight struck me as especially timely during this season of giving: “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”


It’s simple, wise, and deeply aligned with the work many of us are trying to do—show up with intention, generosity, and a healthy sense of perspective.


Twain’s timeless reminders include approving of yourself, questioning the limits you place on your own potential, letting go of anger, and not waiting for the world to “owe” you anything. His guidance is a useful reset: focus on what matters, lighten up when you can, and pursue the life you actually want, not the one others expect.


As you move through the coming weeks, consider this:
Where could you shift your attention from self-comfort to meaningful contribution?
Often, the fastest path to feeling better ourselves is showing up for someone else.


A small act of kindness might just be the trade wind that helps you “explore, dream, discover”—one thoughtful step at a time.


Kathleen