Powerful A-Ha Moments

In this post,  I’m sharing a powerful reflection from a previous client, Devin Youngman, who generously allowed me to publish the insights he gained over a few days at an off-site.  His clarity, honesty, and willingness to look inward capture the very breakthroughs we’ve been working toward together.
As a coach, you can never be attached to when or how a client arrives at an insight — but when they do, it’s deeply gratifying. Devin’s note illustrate his a-ha moments beautifully.
From Devin’s message to me:
“After our last conversation, this week brought several genuine ‘aha’ moments — many of them during our off-site meeting. As I listened to discussions about our new team structures, I noticed where my energy rose and where it faded.
When I let go of the internal noise about my changing responsibilities, I became fully engaged. I realized how much I’m energized by coaching, mentoring, and teaching — far more than by the aspects of my role that drain me.
I created two lists: the work that fuels me and the work that depletes me. This time, instead of analyzing my current responsibilities, I paid attention to what actually energized me in real time.
I also recognized a familiar pattern from childhood: pushing myself to succeed not out of desire, but out of fear of failing in front of others. That same dynamic has been at play in parts of my job, and it’s been exhausting.
What’s clear now is that I’m most alive when I’m developing others — and I’m ready to shape a path that reflects that. I’m resisting the urge to overanalyze. Something meaningful is emerging, and I want to let it unfold.”
Devin’s reflections offer several possible entry points for this week’s challenge: noticing what gives you energy, examining what drains it, exploring your relationship with failure, or simply paying attention to your own moments of clarity.
For me, Devin’s experience was a vivid reminder of the importance of honoring our own “aha moments” — past and present — and how they continue to shape our understanding of ourselves and the world.
Whatever direction you choose, I hope it leads you to a meaningful insight of your own.
Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Don’t Be Afraid to Think Differently

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This post is about the struggle to think differently as we get older. Here’s an experience that illustrates my point.


Once upon a time, I had an office upstairs from a successful bakery and coffee shop in NE Portland. Needless to say, the early morning aromas of fresh-brewed coffee, muffins and bacon, wafting from the first floor to the second, presented strong temptations.


In the beginning of my occupancy, I had the largest office at the front of the building in of a suite of five. When you live in Portland, getting any kind of light into an office space, especially during the gloomy grey days of winter, is a luxury. I rented that particular office because it had an entire wall of windows facing south.


Soon after I moved in, three fellows moved into the smallest office in the back. They had recently left their employment with a successful company to create their own startup. I could feel their excitement about their new venture, and everyone in our suite of offices encouraged them in their efforts. After almost a year of presenting their ideas to venture capitalists (a grueling process at best), they received a considerable amount of funding for their startup. The money arrived the second week of December — what a great holiday gift and a terrific way to start the new year!


Along with the funding, however, came the realization that they would now need to hire more people and expand. They were already crammed into the small office in back and began to look at office space in other locations. If you’ve ever shared office space, you know how rare it is to find people who all get along, and none of us wanted our startup guys to leave. So I decided to sacrifice my large office with all the light and proposed that we switch places. The startup guys thought this was a great idea, and when we all returned from the holidays, we commenced the move.


Fortunately for me, these three, young guys helped move me out of my office. After moving all of my furniture, books, rugs and other supplies into our shared reception area, I looked at it all and wondered how one woman could accumulate so much stuff in a year’s time (perhaps fodder for a future post). As I stood there, one of our other suite mates commented as he walked by, “Geez, it looks like an antique shop!” I was devastated! Was all my stuff so conservative and old-looking that someone would make such an observation? I looked at everyone else’s office décor. One could only describe it as somewhere between contemporary garage sale finds and IKEA. My Oriental rug, mission-style desk and comfy chairs looked ancient in comparison. I wondered, “Are my office belongings a reflection of my antiquated thinking? Have I reached an age where my thoughts and attitudes, which I often don’t question, reflect my age and many years of business experience rather than being particularly relevant to the present modern times?”


A few days later, in talking with my landlord about moving my landline from my old office to the new, he asked me why I even had a landline. “Don’t you use your cellphone most of the time anyway?” I had to admit that I did. There it was again. Had I become such a fuddy-duddy that I hadn’t even thought about why I had a landline? In my world, if you have an office, you have to have a landline. “But Dan,” I said, “I’ve had that phone number for 14 years!” “Well, that’s not a problem,” he replied. “Your cellphone company can simply port the number to your cellphone. The real question is, why do you even need that number anymore?” As I considered this, I realized I was actually attached to my phone number. Like having a pet for 15 years, I had grown an emotional attachment to a set of numbers!


Whether or not I got rid of my landline was not the point, but how I used my landline and whether or not it was still relevant for my business was most important. It meant I needed to change my thinking from “That’s the way I’ve always done it” to “Is this the best use of technology for my business?”


These thoughts caused me to make a resolution in the new year. I will try not to assume that just because something was true before, it’s true now. There’s a lot to be said for practical experience, and I’m sure many of the solutions I recommend to my clients are still sound and work well. But I’ve resolved to question my thinking more often and to try new things. Part of the benefits of sharing office space with young people involved in a startup is that I get to witness how flexible they are in their thinking. They come to the venture with very few preconceived notions, and they’re not afraid to explore new territory. In fact, their new company is based on just that, a brand new set of ideas and possibilities.


It’s worth your time to experiment with your thinking. Don’t be afraid to question your assumptions and talk about new ideas with your staff or business partners. Maybe you’ll reconsider some of the processes you’ve had in place for a number of years and change them or maybe even eliminate them altogether. Try asking yourself “Why?” rather than “How?” when it comes to the way you do things. You might even create a new meeting each month for the sole purpose of generating new and creative ideas. Ask people to come to the meeting with the attitude that the sky is the limit and that no ideas, thoughts or questions are stupid or inappropriate.


Steve Jobs was an excellent example of a man who changed many lives because he wasn’t afraid to think out of the box. He thrived on new ideas, creative solutions and that wonderful energy that comes from successfully doing something no one has ever done before. As he said, “Innovation comes from people meeting up in the hallways or calling each other at 10:30 at night with a new idea or because they realized something that shoots holes in how we’ve been thinking about a problem.”


As this quote from author and inventor Roger von Oech advises, “It’s easy to come up with new ideas; the hard part is letting go of what worked for you two years ago but will soon be out of date.”


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Great Suggestions for New Year’s Resolutions

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


There is a new year right around the corner and it’s a great time to start anew.  We do this often by setting resolutions and it’s a good time over the holidays to think about what you want to do differently in this next year.


I’ve had many thoughts about what resolutions and goals I want to make for this next year. I’ve often made the mistake of choosing things I can do for awhile, but then my resolve weakens and the goal is lost. This year, I’m taking some advice from an article a client sent to me about small things we can do at work that will be helpful.


Here are some suggestions that came from an article Rod Kurtz, the previous senior editor at Inc.com, wrote about this subject.  He cautioned us that workers tend to overlook work behaviors when making New Year’s resolutions. Here are some of his suggestions for creating new year’s resolutions to improve your workplace lifestyle:


    

  • Fight the tyranny of the urgent. Be more productive by finishing small projects. Block off a period of time each day to take care of small tasks, leaving more time to spend on larger projects.
    • 



    

  • Clean your desk. A lot of clutter makes it hard to be productive, and a messy desk can equal a bad day. Take a few minutes each day to organize the piles.
    • 



    

  • Don’t be self-absorbed. Try not to ignore others; it may rub co-workers and subordinates the wrong way.
    • 



    

  • Come in early, leave on time. This forces workers to plan their day rather than wasting time and putting tasks off until later. Staying late isn’t always the best method.
    • 



    

  • Go to the gym — or don’t. Exercising relieves stress, but the gym isn’t the only answer. Workers can dance or participate in other activities outside the workplace.
    • 



    

  • Don’t shoot from the hip. Read through your e-mails and text messages before sending them. Make sure you know what you are saying.
    • 



    

  • Spend more time with your family. Make an effort to be with your family. They are as important as clients (if not more so).
    • 



    

  • Thank people and give positive feedback. Try to reward a co-worker with recognition. A simple thank you can go a long way and make people feel better about their jobs.
    • 



    

  • Take time to vacation. Taking a break from work can be good for our bodies and minds, a mental break for our batteries to charge. Bringing work on vacation doesn’t count.
    • 



    

  • Develop yourself. Be in charge of your professional development. Taking a new course or asking co-workers or outside professionals for help can increase your knowledge.
    • 



    

  • Acknowledge your shortcomings. You need to realize that you aren’t perfect. Recognize your weaknesses and ask others for help. Identify your strengths and be willing to help others where they are not as strong. This will help strengthen work relationships.
    • 



Kurtz also suggested that the more specific you make your resolutions, the better chance you’ll have of continuing the behavior. So, for example, instead of saying, “I’ll keep my desk clean,” it would be more effective to plan to spend 10 minutes out of each day cleaning your desk. Write down your resolutions and review them. This will help remind you of what you resolved to do.


Most importantly, choose resolutions and goals that are achievable. Be honest with yourself. If you resolve to lose 10 pounds, what are you willing to do each day to lose that weight? Expecting yourself to lose it all within a month is probably unrealistic. Cut yourself some slack when it comes to holding yourself to your resolutions. Consistent, small steps generally get us to our destination even if we don’t arrive there as quickly as we’d like.


Kathleen


 







		


		
	







	
	


		
The Beauty of Voiceless Communication

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


Once in awhile, if you’re lucky, you meet someone in your life who teaches you a profound lesson. This post is about a young girl named Bailey who taught me about the importance of being able to communicate, even if you don’t have a voice.


I was flying back to Portland on a business trip and was seated next to a 10-year-old girl named Bailey. When I first saw her, she seemed just like any other little girl, but as I sat down next to her, the flight attendant informed me that Bailey was a “challenged child” (an odd term) in that she could not speak. However, the flight attendant went on to say that Bailey would understand everything I said to her and could communicate with movement and expressions.


This news made me immediately uncomfortable. As I buckled my seatbelt and settled into my seat, I realized how awkward and confused I felt. Should I speak to her or not? What kind of response would I get from someone who couldn’t speak? Did she even want me to interact with her? It was as if this little girl were made of fine porcelain and if I didn’t treat her very carefully, she might break.


Fortunately, Bailey immediately put me at ease with her beautiful smile and sparkling blue eyes. When I said hello to her, she smiled and waved hello. The plane took off, and I began to read a magazine. The many Christmas advertisements featured pictures of snowflakes, stars, icicles, presents, etc.


Each time that I turned a page and a picture of a star appeared, Bailey pointed to the star and looked at me and smiled. I would then say, “Yes, that’s a star.” Before long, I noticed that I was actually looking for more pictures of stars so we could communicate with each other.


Coincidentally, there was a boy sitting behind us about the same age as Bailey. I realized before long that he talked pretty much continuously, first about the X-Box he wanted for Christmas, then about his friend’s new cell phone, then about school, then about his Dad, and so on and so on.


After awhile, I realized I had toned him out. I may have been open to hearing what he had to say in the beginning, but after so many words, I was no longer interested. And yet, every movement and expression of the little girl sitting next to me, who couldn’t speak a word, kept me keenly interested in what she was communicating.


This experience made me think about our basic need to connect with each other as human beings, and the importance of allowing our emotional beings to reach out to each other in any way possible. When we take up all the space by talking about ourselves and don’t allow the other person room to respond, the connection is lost, and the speaker becomes a nuisance rather than someone we want to know.


Bailey taught me something fundamental about our true nature as human beings. Wordlessly, her communication came through loud and clear. Her loving nature spoke volumes, and our communication had a quality that I don’t often experience when I talk with another person.


At one point, when a picture in the magazine appeared that showed animals around a beautifully decorated holiday tree, Bailey took my hand briefly and pointed my finger to the star at the top of the tree. Her open heartedness moved me with such warmth and joy that it brought tears to my eyes.


Take a lesson from Bailey and try connecting with others in ways that you don’t normally use. Experiment with being more present to someone who is speaking to you so that you can not only hear her or his words, but can also notice expressions and gestures. Perhaps you’ll try greeting someone with a smile and some eye contact instead of a hello. If you find that you tend to talk a lot about yourself, try to ask other people questions about themselves instead. Practice listening more, especially to the words that are not being spoken, so that you can have a different experience in your communications.


And finally, be grateful that you have the amazing ability to connect and communicate with others in so many ways. By meeting Bailey, I understood that some of us are not so fortunate and that many of the things we take for granted, like saying our name, are not possible for others.


Be thankful for your ability to let others know what you think, how you feel, and who you are. And don’t be afraid to really connect by allowing the beauty of your heart to speak out, whether it’s in words or silence.


 


Kathleen


 




© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.



		


		
	







	
	


		
Winter is the Season of Renewal – Use This Time to Your Advantage

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


Outside my window this morning, the gray skies hang heavy over leafless trees. Frost clings to my unhappy rose bush, and I feel a cold draft seeping through the window frame. Why, when everything else has gone underground to sleep, do we continue to be as active as ever? If it were April and the days were becoming warmer and all the trees and plants were in bud, I could understand it. But now?


As I page through my calendar for the next two weeks, I realize how busy I am during the holiday season. There is something strange about working hard this time of year. I often think the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas should be one of rest rather than work. However, like everyone else, I seem to be scurrying around trying to get stuff done before year-end.


Somewhere along the line, we human beings created a world in which we don’t have to pay much attention to the seasons. We stay warm in winter, cool in summer, and at least on the west coast, we can buy any kind of vegetable or fruit we want all year long. Believe me, I’m as grateful for these conveniences as anyone but I’m also aware that because of them, we keep up the same busy pace pretty much all year long, with an occasional few weeks of vacation here and there.


Winter is actually a time of renewal. It’s the time when nature draws its energy underground to rest.  People who live in more primitive settings live inside and rely on what they’ve harvested and stored to nourish them through the winter months. Animals acknowledge the shorter days and sleep more. I find myself going to bed much earlier in winter. Who needs to stay awake after 9 p.m. when it’s already been dark for four hours?


Here are some thoughts from educator and writer Margaret Wheatley, who contributed to the book, “Leadership and the New Science.” In these writings, she acknowledges this time of renewal as it relates to business.


“Renewal most naturally occurs in late fall and winter when the leaves are off the trees and life appears still. Renewal is the time to remember our true nature. How do we do that? We remember who we are by becoming silent witnesses, by being instead of acting. Renewal is a time to be a human be-ing. If vision is the in breath and action is the out breath, then renewal is the space between the breaths. Renewal is the time to let go and to make space for a new or refreshed vision to emerge, so that the cycle may begin again. Renewal is called for when our vision is no longer assuring or our actions aren’t in alignment with our vision. Renewal is the time to assess our work in its own context as well as in the context of our lives and purpose. Renewal asks, ‘What really matters now?’ and is the time to tell the truth and to ask questions rather than to give answers. Answers encourage blinders: Questions open us up, free and empower us.


“Renewal is a time to tell the truth about what is so, and then to face that truth. It is the time to heal our selves, to remember who we are. And when we remember who we are, we bring our authentic selves forward.


“Renewal is a time to surrender what is no longer useful. There is often an aspect of death in renewal, as letting go may require the end of a way of thinking or operating, the end of a product line, closing down a factory, letting go of a dream. The very act of renewal is a surrender of doing.


“Once we let go, we often experience a sense of release and new energy. We also experience a sense of spaciousness. The often irresistible temptation is to fill that space immediately, as not knowing may be very uncomfortable. This space is best used as a time of questioning and allowing. This space may last a moment, a week, or several months or more in time. This space is the rich, fertile ground out of which true vision emerges.”


Give yourself permission to embrace this season of renewal by finding ways to rejuvenate your inner resources. The first of the year will be here before we know it, and then spring will be right around the corner. Now is the time to restore some of your vital energy to be able to approach the new year and coming spring with vigor and a new attitude.


 


Kathleen


© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

		


		
	







	
	


		
Being Quiet Enough to Hear Your Inner Wisdom

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			




This post is about inner wisdom. After a week in silence at a meditation retreat, I had an opportunity to get quiet enough to hear my inner wisdom. Frankly, I had forgotten just how quiet you need to get to hear it. It’s not just an opportunity for external sounds to dissipate, but also for the internal voices of the mind, heart and body to begin to quiet down so that you  hear that quiet voice within.


This inner wisdom has many labels. Some people call it conscience or intuition or a sense about something. Whatever we call it, we all seem to know what it is — that inner voice that quietly says what we know is true. So, as the mind continues to analyze this solution or that, or strategize about the next best move, that quiet voice simply makes a statement that our inner awareness recognizes.


Here’s a good example. Years ago when I changed careers, I remember distinctly hearing that inner, quiet voice continuing to give me the same message. I had been recruiting for 20 years and I was successful, at least in terms of having plenty of business and making good money. But when I got very quiet and really asked myself what was true, that inner voice told me it was time to move on. In looking at it, I realized that I didn’t find recruiting very satisfying. So I hired a coach to help me determine what might be a better career path for me. My coach was very helpful. She encouraged me to explore lots of different possibilities and to continue to listen to that quiet voice within. But that voice wasn’t telling me what profession was right for me, it was just telling me it was time to move on. Of course, my mind went into overdrive because it desperately wanted an answer right away, but my inner voice told me to be patient, that when the time was right, the opportunity would show itself to me.


As time passed, I found myself resting in the question. Instead of trying to force an answer, I continued to question and inquire. Eventually, it became clear that I wanted to become a coach. As I explored training options and figured out how to become a coach, things just fell into place. Movement from recruiting to coaching took place naturally.


This is one of the characteristics of inner wisdom: It isn’t forced. The Roman lyric poet Horace wrote, “Force without wisdom falls of its own weight.” As the mind and heart struggle to figure something out and we push or pull to make things happen, the entire experience becomes heavier and harder to do, and we often get farther away from what’s actually true for us. Conversely, that quiet voice has the energy of acceptance and spaciousness about it; it’s as light as a feather but as sure as anything can ever be.


Another aspect of inner wisdom is that like an ability or a muscle, hearing your inner wisdom actually strengthens it. I find that when I make the time to be quiet with myself each day, that inner voice is more accessible. It’s not that it’s louder; it’s just easier for me to hear.


It’s important to spend some quiet time with yourself. Try sitting quietly for 10 minutes doing nothing. Experience sitting still and quieting the mind by not attaching to any thought as it comes up. Thoughts do come and go, but they only stick around when we get stuck to them. Emotions come up and seemingly overtake us, but if we don’t continue to feed them with our thoughts, they also pass away. Sensations come and go as we continue to sit and be quiet. At some point, you may hear that voice within arising from some deep part of you. It often sounds to me like a pebble that’s been dropped into a well. You drop the pebble and wait in quiet stillness until you hear the pebble hit the water deep down at the bottom of the well. You know that eventually the pebble will hit the water, but you don’t know exactly when and you must be very quiet to hear it. When it does, you’re always a little surprised and yet you knew all along what it would sound like.


Be quiet for a time each day and listen. There’s a wealth of truth and understanding that each of us carries within the deepest part of our being. It doesn’t make a lot of noise and it doesn’t demand to be heard or understood — it just is. Try being silent enough to hear it.


Walt Whitman wrote, “Wisdom is not finally tested in the schools, Wisdom cannot be pass’d from one having it to another not having it, Wisdom is of the soul, is not susceptible of proof, is its own proof.”




Kathleen





		


		
	







	
	


		
What’s The Difference Between Managing and Leading?

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
I’m often asked by clients what the difference is between managing and leading others. There’s an assumption that people who manage others are automatically leaders. However, if we look at the definition of the words, we see that they are actually quite different. A simple definition of “lead” is “to go before or with to show the way.” The definition of “manage” is “to bring about or succeed in accomplishing something.”


In doing research about the differences between managers and leaders, I’ve found lots of information about how to become a good manager. But when it comes to defining great leaders, the information is less about what they do and more about who they are and how they impact others. As one of my clients said, “Good managers get it done. Great leaders inspire others to get it done.” Indeed, all the great leaders I’ve known inspire and motivate people. But there’s still much more to being a great leader.


Here’s my description of what leaders do:


Great leaders move people and events forward. They inspire others to commit and engage. They reflect their personal passion for achieving the best for themselves and everyone around them. They are not afraid to be vulnerable and courageous at the same time. Their presence is powerful because it is authentic. Wisdom, compassion and making a positive difference in the lives of others becomes their legacy. Here are the four essential practices of leaders:


Shape Strategic Thinking


    

  • Inspire a sense of purpose and direction
    • 

  • Focus strategically — on the big picture
    • 

  • Harness information and opportunities
    • 

  • Show judgment, intelligence and common sense
    • 



Cultivate Productive Relationships


    

  • Nurture internal and external relationships
    • 

  • Facilitate cooperation and partnerships
    • 

  • Value individual differences and diversity
    • 

  • Guide, mentor and develop people
    • 

  • Listen, understand and adapt to your audience
    • 



Engage and Align


    

  • Build organizational capability and responsiveness
    • 

  • Steer and implement change, and deal with uncertainty
    • 

  • Build on and champion individual and collective expertise
    • 

  • Ensure closure and deliver on intended results
    • 



Lead by Example


    

  • Do what you say; say what you do
    • 

  • Engage with risk and show personal courage
    • 

  • Commit to action and display resilience
    • 

  • Tell the truth and communicate with clarity
    • 

  • Demonstrate self awareness and a commitment to personal development
    • 



If you are in a leadership position, ask yourself which parts of this description align with how you lead and which parts do you ignore. Perhaps you already do what you say and say what you do, but you have trouble engaging in risk and showing personal courage. Maybe you enjoy mentoring others but have trouble cultivating external relationships. Be honest with yourself when you do your assessment.


If you aren’t currently in a leadership role but aspire to becoming more of a leader, take a look at the description to see what you might need to cultivate in yourself. Consider the differences between managing and leading, and think about these roles in terms of your own strengths and capabilities.


Perhaps your working as an individual contributor. Think about what kind of person you would wish to follow as your leader. Do they exhibit the kinds of characteristics mentioned above? Who would you want to lead your team, your project, your country?


In closing, here is one of my favorite quotes about managing and leading:


“Management is getting work done through others. Leadership is taking people where they haven’t been but need to go.” — Don Roberts, Human Capital Advisory Services, Deloitte


 


Kathleen


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
How Worrying About What Others Think Of Us Is A Waste Of Time

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
I often see patterns or trends among my clients in terms of the difficulties they are experiencing. For example, in the past month, many of my clients have become focused on what others think or feel about them.


Overall, I’ve observed that we all spend far too much time wondering what others think of us.  It’s such a waste of time and energy since we can never truly know without asking. And often, when we do ask, we end up discovering that what we thought they thought is wrong. In fact, I often discover that the other person isn’t thinking about me at all but rather judging themselves in some way. Ironically, most people are doing the same thing: spending too much time and energy worrying about what others think.


Here’s a good example. Last year, one of my clients worked for someone she was convinced didn’t like her. She complained to me that others in the department got special treatment from the boss. She was jealous that he spent time mentoring others and felt he never spent quality time with her. She worried that her boss would give her a poor performance review. She became so convinced he had something against her that she began to fear every meeting she had with him. And she began telling others in the company that she was sure he was out to get her and that, eventually, he would fire her.


This scenario may sound paranoid, but many people experience these kinds of thoughts and feelings about a boss, a relative, an old friend who no longer makes contact, or even a current friend who they are convinced no longer approves of or likes them.


I suggested to my client that perhaps she should meet with her boss and express her true thoughts and feelings. My idea was to let him know that she understood her feelings might not be true, but that she would at least like to own them and clear the air. In exploring this idea, she admitted that what frightened her the most was allowing herself to be vulnerable with her boss. She worried that he could then really hurt her. I asked if going through her current amount of suffering was better or worse than the kind of conversation she and her boss might be able to have if she told him about her feelings. She went away pondering the question.


In the course of our work together, I began to see that by being so frightened of her boss, my client was actually beginning to attract the very thing she most feared — that he would fire her. One day, I received an email from her boss asking if we could meet. He expressed concerns about my client and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He observed that she often acted strangely around him. In their one-on-one meetings, she couldn’t make eye contact with him and would be in tears if he pointed out areas for improvement. When he did compliment her on a job well done, she brushed if off and said, “Well, that’s just part of my job, isn’t it?” He was particularly concerned about the effect she had on the rest of the team and felt that she might be spreading rumors about him that weren’t true. One of his other employees had come to him and told him that my client obviously didn’t respect him because she often complained about how hard he was to work for. He was beginning to think that perhaps she wasn’t the right fit for the job and the department.


Of course, the boss was struggling to figure this dynamic out and spent a lot of time analyzing each interaction with her. What was he doing wrong? Had he given her too much to do? Was she unstable and did his behavior provoke an emotional response to him? He was beginning to doubt his management abilities the more he thought about it.


Months went by until finally, my client’s boss reached a tipping point. He just couldn’t take it any longer and in the middle of a meeting with my client, he stopped and said, “What am I doing wrong here? You seem to always be upset about something I’ve done.” To which my client, burst into tears and ran out of his office.


The good news is that this was the needed breakthrough. My client later sat down with her boss and expressed her fears and concerns. She was completely shocked to learn that her boss had similar feeilngs of inadaqaucy in regards to how he was managing her. They discovered that their styles of communication and how they approached tasks was so completely different that they didn’t understand each other very well. Whenever there was a misunderstanding, they each were convinced that they had done something wrong and that the other was judging them for lack of performance.


The danger here is in projecting our madness onto others. When we convince ourselves that someone doesn’t like us, we make up stories about them and project those stories out as the truth. How often have you spoken negatively to a co-worker about someone you work with and then gotten your co-worker to believe things about that person that aren’t even true? It can take years for people to get over these negative stories and the fear they can create in an organization.


See how often you think about what others think of you. Are you worried about what others are saying about you? Have you become angry or fearful because you’re convinced someone else thinks your not good enough or not competent in your job? Have you become so convinced that someone doesn’t like you that you try to find reasons not to like them as well? All of this can be avoided when we realize that no one spends all that much time thinking about us, whether in a negative or a positive vein. Allowing our imagination to run wild with our false stories and interpretations of events has a destructive effect on us that can last a life time.


Everyday I ask myself, do these thoughts I’m having serve me? Is it worth my time and energy to continue to worry about something I have no control over? How damaging is it for me to allow my mind to run wild with these thoughts? Perhaps, I can think better thoughts about myself and this other person. What do I know about both of us that’s really true?


I know these thoughts will come and go. It’s just a question of whether I want to hold onto them, entertain them and feed them. At the heart of it, we all want to be loved and cared for. But the only person I have control over is myself. So, I try to love and care for myself each day. The good news is that when I do this, my ability to love and care for others increases and it’s no longer just about me. It becomes much more about us.


Kathleen



		


		
	







	
	


		
The Futility in Worrying About What the Future Holds

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This post is about worrying about what the future holds. Here’s a story about how all of our worry about what will happen can disappear in a matter of moments.


Years ago, I fell down a flight of stairs and sustained a lot of damage to my head and face.  In the aftermath, 100% of my time and energy was focused on my healing.  There wasn’t much thinking going on. But, about two weeks after the accident,  as my thoughts and memories started to come back, I was categorizing things into “before the fall” and “after the fall.” Funny, how the mind scrambles to assimilate information and process it. I also noticed something new in my normal thought patterns. Since everything was taken off my calendar, except for doctor’s appointments, my thoughts about what I must do tomorrow, what comes next or what the future holds, hadn’t been happening.  This void had made me realize how much time I spent dwelling on the future or often having fearful thoughts about what will happen if I don’t do this or prepare for that.


Most of us spend an enormous amount of time worrying about, strategizing for and planning the future, even though we know things rarely turn out exactly as we expect. One of life’s great lessons is to realize that all the imagination in the world gets you no closer to actually knowing what will happen in the future. One of my favorite statements is, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plan!” I  thought of that statement so many times after the fall.   Before the fall, I had a plan of how the next few weeks were supposed to go. After the fall, none of it was relevant any longer. Here’s an ancient Taoist story that clearly illustrates my point:


“There was a farmer, a gentle man, a humble man. His wife had died a few years before, and he and his son lived near the border region in China. One day, their horse ran away. They were dependent upon the horse. When the neighbors came to console the man for the loss of his horse, he answered them, ‘Who knows what the future brings?’

“Several months later, their mare returned with a wild stallion. Everyone in the village came to marvel at the magnificent stallion. ‘You are wealthy now,’ the villagers said to the man, congratulating him. And he answered them, ‘Who knows what the future brings?’

One day, the son mounted the wild stallion, but he did not know the ways of the stallion, and within a hundred meters, he fell off the stallion and broke his leg. The leg healed, but the boy limped. The villagers again went to the man to console him. ‘What terrible misfortune,’ they said to him. ‘Now your only son is a cripple. Your living will be limited. Worse still, how will your son be able to care for you in old age?’ The simple man answered his neighbors, ‘Who knows what the future brings?’ ‘A simpleton,’ the neighbors said of the man.


“A year later, a tribe from across the border was preparing for war. The Han army arrived in the farmer’s village, and every young man was drafted except the lame boy. He was of no use to the army. He stayed home. It was a dreadful battle. Only a few of the boys drafted returned alive. The lame boy cared for his father until his father’s death.”


The moral of the story is that the present is impermanent and the future is unknowable and filled with possibility. The farmer’s view differed from his neighbors’ because he understood that no one knows what the future will bring and that infinite possibilities can arise in the moment. If the farmer had been unwilling to let go of his idea of what would happen next, he would not have been able to take advantage of what was presented to him in the moment.


Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what the future will bring! Do you often think about what to do next? Or do you have a strategic mind that loves to compare and contrast what’s happening now with what happened in the past in hopes of understanding what might happen next?


These mind exercises can be good in their right place. I have some close friends who get paid lots of money to spend all day doing just this kind of strategic analysis. This kind of thinking is simply a tool to help us predict what might happen. The conclusions we draw and our inability to let go of them — even though we can see they’re not relevant — is what gets us into trouble.


Like the farmer, try to see what’s directly in front of you to inform the best course of action now. Perhaps your strategic plan isn’t working the way you thought. Don’t be afraid to let it go and spend some time creating a new plan that’s more applicable to what’s happening. Or create multiple plans for different outcomes so that you give yourself more options.


When my grandfather was in his 80s, he said one of the compensating factors about old age was that the future he used to worry about so much was now here. “I can see the finish line from here,” he would say with a look of relief on his face. “Happy to say, it looks better than I thought it would. So I’m having a pretty good time right now!”


 


Kathleen



		


		
	







	
	


		
The Challenges and Benefits of Vulnerability

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
The subject of this post is vulnerability. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin vulnera, which means “to wound.” It is defined as, “capable or susceptible of being wounded or hurt, open to moral attack, criticism, difficult to defend.” All of these definitions elicit fear in us. Being completely defenseless and vulnerable with others is an experience we rarely allow to happen. Only when we are unable to defend ourselves from people or circumstances can the experience of being vulnerable occur.


Never have I been more vulnerable than when I fell down a flight of stairs years ago. I had no choice but to surrender completely to the care and consideration of others. The joy in this was seeing how incredibly loving and compassionate everyone had been. I have such clear memories of many of the people who cared for me: the elderly Latina ER nurse murmuring, “Parajito herido” (little wounded bird) with such tenderness as she cleaned the blood off my face; the surgeon placing his strong, reassuring hand on my shoulder as they wheeled me into the operating room; and the look of such love and relief on my husband’s face as he held the straw up to my mouth for my first sip of water after surgery. These images are chiseled into my memory.


I am a pretty controlling person. I have a hard time letting other people do things for me without giving them directions or advice. I’m in the business of serving and advising others on a daily basis, which is not uncommon for someone who has a controlling nature. The idea of being vulnerable is abhorrent to people like me. That’s why that accident was such an eye opener. Being so vulnerable, I had no choice but to let others take care of everything and just receive their love and kindness without resisting. And I can see how it helped me heal — on a much more profound level than I ever imagined.


Consider letting your defenses down for a moment or two to allow others to help you. When someone offers to bring you coffee or pick up your dishes, let them. In meetings, don’t keep talking if you really don’t know the answer to a problem. Stop talking and ask others for help finding the right answer. If you’re having trouble trusting someone, try assuming positive intent and seeing what the outcome is. Sometimes we have to trust a little more than we’re comfortable with to find out that it’s okay. If you’re always the driver, how about sitting in the back seat and letting someone else drive? You may actually enjoy the ride instead of being so determined to get everyone to the destination.


In my moments of vulnerability,I received so much more than I would have asked for myself. By not controlling what was happening, things and people came to me naturally, and each gift was exactly what was needed in the moment.


This life, this dream, we so often take for granted — or try to control — can change in an instant. In each moment, we can experience so much love and beauty if we only allow ourselves to receive it. Give yourself time to receive what others have to give you. Surrender — there is so little to lose and so much to gain.


 


Kathleen