8/1/11 “Phone Therapy”

Good day, team.

Last week, I wrote about love and the importance of it in our private and professional lives. In response to the challenge, my good friend and fellow coaching associate, Kate Dwyer,* sent me the following wonderful poem. This week’s challenge is within her message:

“This poem reminds me of how my best coaching works and why — especially the last stanza. Of course, it’s an extreme example. But we often make tiny self-destructive decisions all day long, and the coach is there to help us choose something else, to choose something more creative, intentional, bold, openhearted. On a tiny scale, it’s like choosing life over death.”

Phone Therapy

by Ellen Bass

I was relief, once, for a doctor on vacation
and got a call from a man on a windowsill.
This was New York, a dozen stories up.
He was going to kill himself, he said.
I said everything I could think of.
And when nothing worked, when the guy
was still determined to slide out that window
and smash his delicate skull
on the indifferent sidewalk, “Do you think,”
I asked, “you could just postpone it
until Monday, when Dr. Lewis gets back?”

The cord that connected us — strung
under the dirty streets, the pizza parlors, taxis,
women in sneakers carrying their high heels,
drunks lying in piss — that thick coiled wire
waited for the waves of sound.

In the silence I could feel the air slip
in and out of his lungs and the moment
when the motion reversed, like a goldfish
making the turn at the glass end of its tank.
I matched my breath to his, slid
into the water and swam with him.
“Okay,” he agreed.

Your challenge this week is to reflect upon the times you offer your coaching skills to your teammates. See if you can find ways to do more of it. Think about the times you offer advice to help others be more creative, intentional, bold and openhearted. See how the coaching transforms them and opens up new doorways. Find ways to have a positive impact on others. Explore new ways to help them see the same set of circumstances differently. Be the steady hand for them when they’re suffering with a problem at work.

Nothing is more meaningful than tapping into our ability to help others. This week, like the woman on the phone, be the person on the other end who is a lifesaver.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

* Many thanks to my wise woman friend and colleague, Kate Dwyer, for this week’s challenge.

“Phone Therapy” by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. (c) BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002. Reprinted with permission.

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

7/25/11 “Love”

Good day, team.

For weeks now, the subject of love keeps popping up in my consciousness like a daffodil in spring. Bright and surprisingly strong, this tender blossom with its happy yellow trumpet has been asking me to pay attention. So, this week’s challenge is about love and how important it is in our lives — with family and friends, in our most private moments and even at work.

In preparation for our wedding celebration seven years ago, my husband and I looked for poems, books and songs that spoke about the subject of love. Nothing came close to what John O’Donohue wrote about love in his book, “Anam Cara.” In Gaelic, the words “anam cara” mean “soul friend.” Nothing seemed more appropriate than those words to describe the relationship David and I found ourselves in. Falling in love at 48 is considerably different than when you’re 28. At this stage in my life, to call my betrothed my best friend and most trusted companion meant more than anything I could have imagined.

I had the great honor of meeting John O’Donohue while traveling through Ireland with poet David Whyte and a group of aspiring writers. David and John had been friends for a number of years, and John took us on a walking tour of the Connamara region of Ireland where he had lived for many years in a small home. He was a tall man with windblown hair, incredibly kind blue eyes and a high-pitched laugh that never quite matched his countenance. His contrasting wildness and sweetness always refreshed me. His vocabulary was rich from many years of studying the classics, theology and philosophy. But all the knowledge he shared with us was delivered in an unmistakable Irish brogue and with a terrific sense of humor. Nights at the pub with John were the highlights of the trip, and I’ve never forgotten the glint in his eyes as he spoke.

I don’t know the whole story, but having been a Catholic priest, John left the church and became better known as Irish poet, philosopher and Catholic scholar. I believe in his life experiences, he began to find the Catholic Church to be too restrictive and dogmatic. His movement toward ancient Celtic beliefs was a better representation of his heart and soul.

Here’s what John wrote about love in chapter one of “Anam Cara”:

“When the human mind began to consider the greatest mystery of life, the mystery of love, light was also always used as a metaphor for its power and presence. When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with yourself. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning.

“It is strangely ironic that the world loves power and possessions. You can be very successful in this world, be admired by everyone and have endless possessions. You can have a lovely family, success in your work and have everything the world can give, but behind it all, you can be completely lost and miserable. If you have everything the world has to offer you but you do not have love, then you are the poorest of the poorest of the poor. Every human heart hungers for love. If you do not have the warmth of love in your heart, there is no possibility of real celebration and enjoyment. No matter how hard, competent, self-assured or respected you are, no matter what you think of yourself or what others think of you, the one thing you deeply long for is love. No matter where we are, who we are, what we are or what kind of journey we are on, we all need love.

“If you only awaken your will and intellect, then your work can become your identity. This is summed up in the rather humorous epitaph on a gravestone somewhere in London:

‘Here lies Jeremy Brown, born a man and died a grocer.’ Often people’s identity, that wild inner complexity of soul and color of spirit, becomes shrunken in their work identity.

“In the world of negative work, where you are controlled, where power prevails and you are a mere functionary, everything is determined by an ethic of competition. In the world of creative work, where your gift is engaged, there is no competition. The soul transfigures the need for competition. In contrast, the world of quantity is always haunted by competition: If I have less, you have more. But in the world of the soul: The more you have, the more everyone has. The rhythm of soul is the surprise of endless enrichment.”

I recall the exact moment when I realized how important it is for me to do work that is a better reflection of who I have become in my internal world. I wanted my doing to be a result of my being. The love I experienced in my heart needed a way to offer itself to the world in some way that it could be received. I often thought how lovely it would be if I could be myself at work and express my true nature, giftedness and imagination. I no longer could live with a separation between what I was doing in my career and the person I had become.

I often see clients who have outgrown their career, their job or their particular environment. It becomes more and more painful to try to fit a foot that’s become too big into an old shoe. It’s both inspiring and painful to realize that the love you feel within needs a bigger world in which to manifest. But the importance of allowing love and intimacy to express themselves through trustworthy and kind acts at work is essential. In John’s words, “Where you belong should always be worthy of your dignity.”

Your challenge this week is to see if your current job, your career, your vocation is a place where you can express the love and generosity of your heart. We so often associate these words with romantic love that we rarely see how love actually manifests in a work environment. The next time you see a team member extend a kindness to another, notice the quality of love at work. Try manifesting this love yourself. Perhaps it’s as simple as giving a colleague your undivided attention by listening or noticing when someone at work needs a helping hand and lending it. How about having a difficult conversation with a co-worker and being courageous enough to tell them the truth — but in such a way that they can receive it? Or how about remaining silent in a meeting, even though you know the right answer, so that your team member as the opportunity to shine?

One of my favorite Buddhist stories ends with a saying from the old master,

“If you do the work that you do from a loving heart, then you will always be able to make something beautiful.”

This week, focus on how your loving heart shows up at work, at home and in your quiet moments. Revel in the beauty and light this brings to you and others.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

7/18/11 “Chef’s Special”

Good day, team,

One of my clients used to work as a chef. He often speaks about the high pressure atmosphere that exists in high end restaurant kitchens, the commitment to quality and the amount of criticism that’s levied on most chefs and their assistants.  No matter how bad things get in his current corporate management job, it’s never as bad as what he experienced back in his days as a chef.  All of this reminded me of  a challenge I wrote back in 2007 that highlights the positive aspects of what it means to work in such a high pressure business. It is still as relevant today as it was then. Enjoy!

This week, I read a magazine article about top chefs in America. One of those interviewed, Thomas Keller, who started the famous “French Laundry” restaurant in Napa Valley and now runs “Per Se” in New York, is known throughout the world for his perfectionism. He’s one of the few chef’s who has earned a combined six Michelin stars.

In the interview, he said something that really struck me: “I tell cooks it’s about four things: awareness, inspiration, intellect and evolution.” When I read this statement, it occurred to me that these are four of the five traits I consider to be most important in a leader. The fifth is “clarity.”

Without awareness, people miss what’s right in front of them as well as the benefit of self-observation. Without inspiration, they themselves are unable to inspire others to want to do more and be more. Without the intellect that comes from book and street smarts, it’s hard to keep up in today’s global world. Without the willingness to evolve as things change, people lose their flexibility. And without clarity, it’s hard for people to see the truth in a situation and communicate it in such a way that most people understand it. All of the good leaders I know embody these qualities.

Your challenge this week is to choose one of these attributes and make an effort to enhance it within yourself. If the trait is awareness, try being more present in each moment. Just look out of your eyes and feel your feet on the floor. Or maybe you become present to your breath. Try using whatever brings you back to the moment so you don’t miss what’s happening around you.

Maybe you’d like to be more inspirational to the people you work with. What do you love doing every day and how do you let others know that it gives you energy? Try sharing what energizes you.

How about increasing your knowledge about a subject and finding a way to share that with others? Have you learned something new that you’d like to share with a colleague?

Consider your evolution. Are you growing as conditions change and as you mature in your current job or life situation? If you feel stagnant, how can you jump-start your evolution by approaching something in a new way and challenging yourself differently? Are you someone who acts as a change agent within your organization?

Finally, how clear are you in your thoughts and words? Are you able to see through many extraneous facts to the heart of the matter and then clearly communicate what you see? Ask a co-worker what he or she thinks of your communication skills. Find out whether people understand what you’re saying. It may be a lack of clarity that makes it difficult for others to understand what you mean.

Whatever quality you choose, don’t be afraid to experiment. It’s through trial and error that we learn how to change the way we do things and thus gain a new perspective about ourselves and the world around us.

The article on top chefs noted that Thomas Keller had stood on a chair to sift confectionary sugar onto a cake to see if it would look more like fallen snow. Sure enough, the picture of the scrumptious-looking chocolate cake in the magazine looked just like snow had fallen on it. I was inspired by Kellers creativity, adventurousness and commitment to making the most beautiful cake he could make.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

7/11/11 “New Workplace”

Good day, team.

This week, I’d like to offer an information graphic that was sent to me by Warren Cree, a product marketing professional who often shares his professional wisdom with me.

Warren discovered this piece on a website called Future of Real Estate Marketing. Titled, “New Workstyle,” the infographic shows how work styles have changed over the past 20 years.

Your challenge this week is to choose one thing from the “old” list that applies to your work life and replace it with one thing from the “new” list.

I hope the graphic comes across when posted. I think it’s cool!

Have a good week,

Kathleen

7/4/11 “Freedom”

Good day, team.

Every year around the Fourth of July, I’m compelled to write about freedom. When I think about all the people in the world who are enslaved in one way or another, I cannot imagine how terrifying it must be imprisoned or in forced servitude to another. We are so fortunate for the basic freedoms we enjoy. However, despite our many personal freedoms, many of us are still imprisoned in our internal worlds — which can be scary in its own way.

I have the greatest sense of freedom when I’m not bogged down by negative thoughts and fears. It’s not always easy, but sometimes when I’m obsessed with this or that, a calm voice inside my head will step in and advise me that the story I’m telling myself isn’t true. When thoughts awaken me in the night, the same voice tells me to go back to sleep or to just let go. When I’m able to observe my thoughts in this way and not get caught in their net, I am truly free.

Many of my coaching clients have heard me say, “The part of you that can see the thoughts and feelings is not of them.” This idea may sound strange, but I’ve found true freedom in this perspective. For example, when I took my first Vipassana meditation course (10 days of complete silence and meditation), I began to notice that thoughts would come up, seemingly out of nowhere. They arrived and if I focused on them, they would become louder and louder until eventually they would take up all of my attention.

Sometimes, my pulse would speed up, and I would become angry or sad or happy. Before long, I would realize I was no longer meditating because my thoughts and emotions had overtaken me.

But if I just observed the thoughts as they came up and didn’t give them any energy, they kept right on going. What a surprise this was! Thoughts can rise up and then actually pass away, as if they never happened. What a revelation it was for me to see that there was a way out of the prison of my own thoughts. I eventually learned to just watch the whole show of thoughts and feelings rise up and pass away.

This psychological freedom has literally saved me. At one point in my life I was experiencing tremendous jealousy and rage. I felt like I could bear it no longer, so I went to the ocean with every intention of ending my life. As I walked into the warm salt water, it embraced me, and I felt even more convinced that this was the only way to end my suffering.

Then I stepped on something sharp — a broken shell or rock — and as I raised my foot out of the water to see if my toe had been cut, I saw myself clearly. I was suddenly aware that I was worried about a cut on my toe while I was in the process of trying to end it all. In that moment of absurdity, everything became quiet. The terrorizing thoughts stopped, and I was just there with my foot in my hand, looking out at the horizon on a gorgeous South Florida summer day, with the sun glistening on the magnificent blue-green water.

This week, try experiencing your freedom by not succumbing to thoughts and feelings that do not serve you. Sure, they will rise up, but if you don’t fuel them, they will pass away. I’m not saying to ignore them or force them away, but with your gentle presence, just observe them and allow the observer to be your focus. They may be loud or soft, resentful or boastful, angry or sad. You may find there’s quite a drama going on in your mind once you start witnessing it. It’s like when you are sitting on the couch watching TV — just watch. Try not to become the character you’re watching or get embroiled in the play. Be the observer of the drama, not the drama itself. Give yourself the gift of freedom by choosing not to let your inner state enslave you. Instead, try watching it all with a sense of equanimity and peace.

After 20 years of imprisonment, Nelson Mandela walked to freedom. About that day, he wrote,

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/27/11 “Commitment”

Good day, team.

The subject of commitment keeps coming up in my coaching sessions lately, so I thought I would offer some thoughts on the topic this week.

Many years ago, I participated in a management training called “Situational Leadership.” The course introduced me to the idea that a person’s work life is really made up of two things: commitment and competency. At any given time, in any situation, you can diagnose how well team members are doing based on how committed they are to the work and how competent they are in performing that work. This idea makes sense to me. In coaching others, I can plainly see that, in some cases, people love the work they do and need little or no motivation from their manager to continue doing it.

However, there are some tasks that people don’t enjoy at all, and they often need an extra push from their manager to get them done. When faced with these tasks, people frequently get stuck and their competency decreases. But when doing what they love, the same people sail right through an assignment and even ask for more of that work when they are done.

Consequently, managers need to provide different styles of management depending on what their team members are doing. If a person’s commitment level decreases, he or she probably needs more emotional support. If his or her competency flags, he or she most likely needs more direct instruction.

Through my coaching experience, I have seen how important it is for managers to be versatile in their management styles. The most successful managers first observe how their team members are doing and then use the style that gets the best results for each individual team member in each particular situation. Managers who fail tend to use the same style over and over again and aren’t observant or versatile enough to change how they manage others.

The worst managers judge their team members based on only one or two situations and then label them as being either uncommitted or having low competence, if not both. These managers have difficulty seeing their team members in any other light, and the individual is then doomed to fail. I have heard some managers make comments like, “He’s always so slow in getting stuff done,” or “Why doesn’t he communicate more effectively with others? No matter how many times I try to help him, he just doesn’t get it!” These comments are red flags to me.

I have learned that in the areas of commitment and competency, it’s fairly easy to direct someone to be more competent. If you want someone to use a computer more effectively, you can sit down with them and direct them through step-by-step instructions. But getting a team member to want to learn how to use the computer — or increase their commitment level — is a different matter. Management by support is much more difficult.

Lack of versatility in an individual manager’s style extends to the teams they manage. Most teams tend to take on the personality and behavior characteristics of the person who leads them, so when a manager lacks versatility, the team does also. Eventually, these teams are unable to commit, and ultimately, people disengage. Without an emotional connection to the project or the manager, people lose the energy it takes to get results.

In “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team,” Patrick Lencioni gives excellent descriptions of teams that fail to commit and those that commit. Here’s what he says:

A team that fails to commit …

  • Creates ambiguity among the team about direction and priorities
  • Watches windows of opportunity close because of excessive analysis and unnecessary delay
  • Breeds lack of confidence and fear of failure
  • Revisits discussions and decisions again and again
  • Encourages second-guessing among team members

A team that commits …

  • Creates clarity around direction and priorities
  • Aligns the entire team around common objectives
  • Develops an ability to learn from mistakes
  • Takes advantage of opportunities before competitors do
  • Moves forward without hesitation
  • Changes direction without hesitation or guilt

This week, if you manage others, ask yourself if you’re versatile in your management style. Do you direct people when they need it? Or do you offer them more emotional support when their commitment wanes? Do you know how to diagnose how your people are doing in any given situation? Do you see what’s really challenging them? Do you know when to let them do what they love with only an occasional check in to make sure they’re on track?

Read through what Lencioni says about committed teams and ask yourself in which category your team falls into. If you’ve never taken a management course that gives you more tools for dealing with your team members, sign up for one. We don’t automatically have these skills — we need to learn them.

If you’re not a manager but work for one who continues to use the same style over and over again, try being more clear about what you actually need from him or her. Do you need more clear instruction or do you need some extra encouragement by being told you’re doing a good job once in awhile?

As Lencioni points out, successful managers ensure team commitment by taking steps to maximize clarity and achieve buy-in. Ask yourself this week how committed you are to what you’re doing. If you’re into it, then keep going. If you’re not, find out what you need to do to reconnect to the work within yourself. And if you’re managing others, be versatile enough to see what the team needs to succeed.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/20/11 “Fathers and Leaders”

Good day, team.

Today is Father’s Day, and although I’m not fond of how we’ve commercialized these “Hallmark holidays,” I do think that honoring our fathers is an important tradition in any culture.

This week, I’ve been thinking about fatherhood and leadership and the similarities between the two. A father is the male head of a family, and a leader is someone who is the oldest or most venerable of a group. Both roles require certain sacrifices that we often don’t acknowledge.

My father played both of these roles. He was head of household, authority figure, teacher and intellectual inspiration, moderator, and corporate executive — all rolled into one. I never understood how lonely he was in many of these roles until he was much older and finally told me. He said he often felt excluded from the rest of the family. He never had a son, and he was surrounded by a succession of wives and daughters, who saw him as essential in his role as provider but deficient in his ability to emotionally relate to us. He was the quintessential “Mad Men” character from the 1950s who followed all the rules that society defined for him. But he cheated where he had to in order to appease an inner life that was angry about his compliance and constant servitude. We, of course, just accepted him by thinking that this was the way dads were and often took him for granted.

As the chief executive in a company, he often experienced loneliness at the top. Final decisions were left to him, and he longed for greater support from others but was not always able to ask for it. I remember him saying once, “When you realize that all 520 employees rely on you everyday to ensure that they take home a paycheck to support their families, it weighs heavily on your conscience when you make a risky business decision. At the end of the day, there’s no one else to blame if it all goes wrong.”

I have a hard time relating to what it might feel like to have been raised to believe that I must provide for others. As a businesswoman, I’m always grateful that I’m not burdened by this notion. I’ve only had to provide for myself and anyone else I chose to support, but it’s never been a mandate. Even today, many men grew up with these patriarchal handcuffs and are severely judged when they don’t meet the standards our society has set up for them.

This week, let your father or a father in your life, know how much you appreciate him. Try pointing out the specific things he does that make a positive difference in your life. Spend some time with him doing what he loves. For example, my Dad was a great lover of jazz music. He had an extraordinary collection of old jazz albums that he would play for me when I visited him. We would sit in his den, listening to old jazz recordings, enduring the pops and cracks caused by the age of the album as it spun on the turntable. My Dad would smile from ear to ear with his eyes shut, just loving the music. I was able to show my appreciation for him by allowing him to share something he loved with me.

How about also showing appreciation for your boss? Whether your boss is a man or a woman, a little appreciation goes a long way for someone who often spends lots of solitary time worrying about your welfare and the success of your team.

William Shakespeare wrote, “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.” This week, try easing that weary head and heart by showing your love and appreciation.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/13/11 “Healthy Boundaries”

Good day, team,

This past week the subject of setting healthy boundaries came up on several occasions. Here’s a previous challenge that addresses this subject.

The coach’s challenge this week is about setting healthy boundaries with people at work. Professional boundaries are important because they define the limits and responsibilities of the people with whom you interact in the workplace. When everyone in an organization is made aware who is responsible for what, healthier workplace environments are created. It then becomes very difficult for someone to blame others for their failed or inadequate performance and good job performance can clearly be identified.

When everyone on your team understands what to do, how to do it, and when to do it,  team members feel safe in their roles. A smooth functioning organization is a tangible demonstration of the team leader’s commitment to their team’s success, which creates trust in leadership. It is the responsibility of every team leader to set the tone of the group by clearly defining acceptable and unacceptable workplace behavior. An effective leader understands that failing to define boundaries, having no boundaries, or having inappropriately rigid boundaries can have an unfavorable impact on their organization and employees. In some cases boundaries need to be firm. For example, lying, stealing, or verbally or physically abusing others is never allowed.

It may sound as if the responsibility to create a smooth functioning organization falls only upon the team leaders or managers; however team members have a role to play as well. It is the responsibility of everyone on the team to be willing to speak up to a colleague or supervisor and clearly define their problem and help find a resolution that works for the team.

Another important area that should be negotiated is interpersonal boundaries, because professional and interpersonal boundaries substantially impact workplace productivity and the quality of social environment. Interpersonal boundary parameters include:

* The tone people use with each other.
* The attitude and approach co-workers use with each other.
* The ability to focus on work objectives even with people you don’t
like or with whom you are having personal conflict.
* The ability to effectively set limits with others who have poor
boundaries.
* Clearly defining the consequences when a boundary is violated and
sticking to it.

Boundaries will have no meaning if your actions don’t back up your words.

Here are some suggestions for setting healthy boundaries with your team members:

1. Know your limits: what you can do well within the allotted time frame.
Don’t exaggerate your ability by overselling it. Give accurate estimates. Delivering a good product on time will improve your credibility, while missing deadlines or delivering a substandard product will only hurt your reputation.

2. Tactfully and openly communicate about goals and limitations.
Don’t try to undersell or misrepresent your ability. Underselling artificially prevents you from being able to demonstrate your professional skills, which might affect your career advancement. When discussing your limitations, focus on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. Keep your focus on your positive intentions; ask for help when it’s needed to ensure good quality work; actively engage in problem solving, and don’t complain about the problem. Ensure that others are receiving the message you intended by asking for feedback when it’s not forthcoming.

3. Be available to discuss differences and reach agreements.
Reflect back your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests, and concerns. Attempt to negotiate win-win solutions.

4. Don’t be afraid to let someone know if they’re acting inappropriately. Work place bullying is much more common than we think; it can come in the form of expressing undo negativity towards another, intentionally excluding others from team activities, or ganging up on someone. It can also come in the form of domination by withholding information or not keeping one’s part of the bargain by actively engaging and contributing to the work. It’s important to let people know when they act out inappropriately and that it is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. The emotional health and safety of an organization depends on direct and clear communication when someone has trespassed on a professional and/or personal boundary.

This week, try setting healthy boundaries with your team members. You’ll find that establishing boundaries and priorities go hand in hand because they both help manage interpersonal relationships in the workplace. Together they go a long way toward establishing productive work environments based on trust. Competent and credible leaders understand these principles and consistently model them for their staff.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

* Special thanks to the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FSAP) at UCSF for most of the information in this challenge. They are a great resource!

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/6/11 “Wild and Precious Life”

Good day, team.

My vacation this past week was punctuated by three events that influence the theme of this week’s challenge: the death of a relative, turning a year older (on the same day as my relative’s death) and a visit to the town where I grew up.

Experiencing the solemnity of death and the celebration of a birthday all in one day was bittersweet. I found myself feeling contradictory emotions — both grief and joy throughout the day. My grandsons wanted Nana to celebrate her birthday with cake, ice cream and candles (of course, what five- and three-year-olds don’t want cake and ice cream whenever they can get it?). And yet, it didn’t seem quite appropriate given that their grandfather on the other side of the family had just passed away. While we were grieving his death, we also felt grateful that he died peacefully surrounded by those who loved him. So we also wanted to celebrate his life.

Visiting my old home was bittersweet, as well. I was reminded of the many happy times I experienced in this beautiful town where I spent my formative years. It made me happy to walk down memory lane and feel some of the joy I experienced while living there. At the same time, I realized that the happy, safe and tranquil feeling of those years completely disappeared after we moved away. Once we left, all of our lives changed drastically with my parents divorce. Little did I know, as we drove away in our old Plymouth station wagon, that my childhood innocence of naive trust would be left behind. Life became very complicated after that.

All of last week’s events made me realize, yet again, how precious life is and the importance of living each moment as it comes. Whether it’s grieving the death of a loved one or celebrating the emergence of another year, we have a finite amount of time to be here, right now.

My dear friend, Kate Dwyer, summed it up beautifully. Upon reading about my experiences of the week she replied,

“And then for you, sort of a body slam presentation of every lesson we all think we’ve learned but discover regularly that we have not learned deeply enough: Entrances and Exits. Pay Attention. Savor the moment. Ye know not the moment nor the hour.”

Your challenge this week is to savor the moment. Taste your food. Feel the sweat on your brow. See the person you’re talking to. Experience the moment in whatever form it takes. As the moments tick by in your life, give some thought to how you want to experience it. Will you experience the beauty of a new morning or find yourself worrying about tomorrow?

Mary Oliver so eloquently addressed this question in her poem “The Summer Day.” Here’s the poem in its entirety. I hope it speaks to you this week.

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean —
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down —
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

from “New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

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