One of the most valuable lessons I gained from my coaching training was the discipline of asking effective questions. Like many new coaches, my classmates and I quickly discovered how easily our own thoughts surfaced while someone else was speaking. Instead of staying curious and asking questions that deepened understanding, we often slipped into offering our own ideas, interrupting too soon, or mentally checking out as our attention shifted inward. When our desire to speak overshadowed our ability to listen, the other person naturally felt unheard.
Truly listening requires intention. Asking thoughtful questions requires skill. And avoiding assumptions requires self-awareness. I’ve learned to pause whenever I catch myself thinking, “If what they’re saying is true, then it must mean this…” In truth, a single statement rarely tells the whole story. Clarity comes from inquiry. As Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us in The Four Agreements: “It is always better to ask questions than to make assumptions… Once you hear the answer to questions, you won’t have to make assumptions because you will know the truth.”
Staying fully present with another person is one of the greatest gifts we can offer. Good questions keep us engaged, strengthen connection, and help both people uncover deeper insight and clarity.
And often, the question that seems the simplest—or even the one we fear might sound “stupid”—is the exact question that opens the door to true understanding. Malcolm Forbes put it well: “The smart ones ask when they don’t know. And sometimes when they do.”
Kathleen