Tag: gossip

Impeccable Communication

Good day, team.
This past week, I’ve seen how gossip and unprofessional behavior can negatively impact us. This reminds me of the importance of impeccable communication in the work place and how hard it is to maintain.
Recently, I asked a few of my clients what is one important factor they try to keep in mind throughout their everyday interactions with others. Many responded with the same advice: Try to speak consciously and with integrity.

In countless employee surveys each year, communication continues to be the issue that everyone says is most important. Either there’s not enough of it or what exists is incorrect or misleading — and sometimes it turns into destructive gossip. Companies spend millions of dollars a year trying to improve their employees’ communication skills.

We are individually responsible for the way we communicate. If I tell a colleague that I appreciate the work he’s done, but I roll my eyes disdainfully, he’ll obviously get a mixed message. And the message he’ll believe is the one communicated in my facial expression, gestures or tone of voice. Our body language speaks volumes. We often forget that communicating involves not just our spoken words but also our unspoken actions.

Our minds are like fertile ground in which seeds can be planted. When we speak the truth and encourage the same in others, that fertile ground sprouts healthy plants that flourish. We often don’t realize how much our words affect others until we find out that some negative comment we made in the past has blossomed into an ugly rumor that people now believe to be true. Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.”

I’ve been trying to speak with integrity for many years now. It is a challenge for me each day. Sometimes things come out of my mouth that I’m unconscious of. When they are repeated back to me, I’m surprised to learn I said them. Other times, an emotion is so strong that I feel compelled to say something in spite of my better judgment. In these cases, what I say is not very productive, and I find myself regretting the way in which I expressed myself. My intention to communicate consciously and with integrity is there, but that intention is sometimes not strong enough to catch my words. If I can be present in the moment about my feelings, I have a better opportunity to temper the words before they are expressed.

Try to speak consciously and with integrity this week. I’m going to take my cue from a bumper sticker that read, “Try not to do anything unless it’s necessary, responsible and kind.” If you replace the word “do” with the word “say,” you’ll end up with some sound advice for better communication.

Have a good week!
Kathleen

* The coach will be on vacation next weekend. The next challenge will be published Nov. 3, 2013.
© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

9/2/12 “Do unto others”

Good day, team.

This past week, I’ve been thinking about how many of us constantly try to influence others to adopt our point of view. We try to convince others that the way we see something or the opinions we have are correct. We want others to see or think of something in the same way we do, so we work to sell them on our ideas and attitudes.

Just look at what happens at political conventions — candidates and their supporters make speech after speech trying to convince voters that their way of thinking is correct, with lots of examples to support their thinking. These speeches often contain both facts and falsehoods to convince the audience. The candidates position themselves as being right and the opposition as being wrong. Over the years, we have increasingly seen our political candidates criticizing the opposing party to gain the advantage in the election. Personally, I find this kind of negative advertising to be counter productive because it creates a lot of fear in people. Fear can be used as a strong motivator, but I don’t believe that fueling fear in people is a good way to win elections. In the end, none of us are better off.

What is often forgotten here is that behind all the opinions and influential statements are real people. The following paragraph from a recent post on Ramble, Ramble, a blog written by a woman named Ginger, says this so well:

“There is a PERSON behind the things you are saying. When you say that all liberals or all conservatives … when you say that all Democrats or all Republicans … when you say that ALL of any group is/says/does/thinks/behaves/believes/hates/loves/etc., you are saying that about real people. Honest to goodness, flesh and blood people. Not just ideologies. Not just platforms. Not just issues. Not just politicians. Your friends. Your family. Your neighbors. Your co-workers.”

I see this same phenomenon occur within teams at work. It’s not uncommon for members of different teams to disagree. They may want the same outcome, but the way they want to go about getting that outcome can be quite different. For example, let’s say that the accounting manager and the marketing manager disagree about how much money should be spent on a new marketing campaign. It won’t take long before the accounting manager starts making some derogatory remarks about the marketing manager to his or her own team of accountants. This type of speech, meant to influence others on the team, may make the accounting manager feel better and more justified in the moment. When we feel strongly about something, we want others to agree with us. We don’t want those marketing people to spend too much money on a bogus campaign. We want them to stay within the budget we outlined. So the accounting manager forgets that the marketing manager is a peer and that they both are part of the same overarching team. Instead, it feels okay to throw the marketing manager under the bus to make things right. But what happens when someone on the accounting team is asked to give the marketing department some information? This person might have an immediate negative reaction because of what his or her boss has said about the marketing manager. In our desire to get people to think and act the way we want them to, we sometimes overlook the negative impact that our influencing can have on others.

I often ask myself these three questions when I feel strongly about letting others know what I think or feel:

*

Is it worth doing damage to someone else just to be able to express my opinions?
*

Am I trying to convince other people to come over to my side of the argument?
*

What good results can come from this conversation?

When I hear people speak negatively about someone else, it always makes me feel sad. When I see a gang of people bully another group of people because they disagree with them, I feel outraged. When I observe myself thinking negative thoughts about someone I don’t understand, I feel irritated. None of these feelings help me in my life. They tend to seep into my state of heart and mind and pollute my inner peace and wisdom. When I try to influence someone to think poorly or negatively about another to build up my side of an argument, I end up feeling that negativity within myself.

This week, see if you’re trying to influence others against someone else. Maybe it’s in an aggressive way, making yourself look good and your opposition look bad, just like politicians do in their speeches. Or maybe it’s in a passive aggressive way by making side comments that incriminate someone you disagree with or think is stupid. Ask yourself whether you are helping the team by trying to influence others in this way. Is it worth the momentary pleasure that makes you feel as though you’re winning an argument or recruiting others to take your side? Does the feeling of “I’m right and you’re wrong” actually help all of the team meet its goals and get the results needed?

Of all the statements my mother repeated to me over and over again as I was growing up, this classic stands out: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This week, my challenge is to take my mother’s good advice and apply it to my speech and sharing of opinions. I encourage you to do the same.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

6/3/12 “Anger”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about anger. Whether we like it or not, the state of anger happens to all of us from time to time. More often than not, expressing our anger causes more problems than we started with, and we are usually the ones who suffer the consequences. Times are few and far between when the expression of anger can serve us well, but it is possible, depending on our self-awareness at the time.

This subject came up a number of times last week as I observed people getting angry. I became angry myself on Saturday and thought I would share the circumstances to better understand this subject.

From 8 in the morning until 3:45 in the afternoon on Saturday, I facilitated a meeting for a local board of directors. It was a good day. The group was cooperative, the location was perfect, and we made good progress as we moved through the agenda to create a strategic plan for the team. My only difficulty was a headache that lurked in the back of my head throughout the day. Even after taking some ibuprofen, it would not go away.

Once the meeting was over, I needed to get some gas before I drove out of town to join my husband at our house in the gorge. I drove up to the various gas stations near the meeting only to discover that none of them sold diesel gasoline, which was what I needed. My anger started to rise. I observed the thoughts that fueled my anger: “What’s wrong with these gas stations? Don’t they realize that some people drive diesel cars? This would never happen in Europe where the availability of diesel gas is so much better than here! The American oil companies have us over a barrel, and we never seem to fight back!” By the time I finally found a station that sold diesel gas, I was pretty angry.

So what was happening? I had a big concentration of energy in my upper chest that made me feel short of breath. My angry thoughts about oil companies were being augmented by angry thoughts about having to work on a Saturday, my pounding headache, and the long drive ahead of me — and all of this was compounding to increase my anger. By the time the gas station attendant asked if he could help me, I wanted to shout out, “FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL!”

I didn’t do that, but you can imagine how this angry outburst would have been totally misplaced. He was the person who was going to give me what I wanted, and yet I nearly bit his head off. My anger really wanted to express itself. Anger is like this. Once the state overtakes us, the body feels compelled to get rid of that explosive energy. It often just comes out at the first person we come into contact with whether he or she has anything to do with why we are angry.

Rather than shout at the gas station attendant, I said to him, “Gosh, I’m so glad you sell diesel. I’ve been driving around for a half hour unable to find a gas station that sells it, getting angrier and angrier.” He nodded with smile and said, “I understand what you mean. That would be frustrating for me too.” This got me thinking about what makes us angry and how destructive it can be in our relationships, particularly when it’s misplaced.

I wondered about the kinds of situations that make me angry. I often become angry when my expectations about how something should go aren’t met. I become frustrated and soon after, the frustration turns to anger. I also get angry when people express their anger toward me, and the angrier they are, the angrier I am in response. It’s like having someone push on me with forceful, negative energy; the stronger they push on me, the more I want to push back on them with at least the same amount of strong, negative energy — if not more. I also become angry when I do something stupid or disappoint myself in some way. In fact, I am more forgiving of others when they do things that disappoint me. When it comes to my own actions, I’m much more judgmental, and that judgment can quickly turn to anger.

I also become angry when I see what I consider to be a great injustice done to others or when I observe someone being bullied or treated unfairly. I was reading recently about a man who had been unjustly imprisoned for 20 years for a rape he never committed, and I watched my anger rise inside of me as I continued to read the article.

Angry energy rises up in each of us for different reasons. How can we use that energy in a constructive and useful way rather than in a destructive way? Should we just let the anger explode out accidentally? Or can we learn to use that volatile, fiery energy for better purposes?

In the case of the gas station attendant, I was lucky. I was already observing the anger inside me, and when he asked if he could help me, I was able to control my outburst of energy and explain to him what was happening to me rather than take the anger out on him. But I’m not always so self-aware, and when I’m not, the anger just pops out. When I am able to see that I’m becoming angry or that the state is becoming more and more volatile, I have an opportunity to act from the place that’s observing the anger, rather than the anger itself.

Anger can serve for good purposes, however, when it is used to set a healthy boundary. The story from the Bible of Jesus throwing the moneychangers out of the temple comes to mind. From the gospels:

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers and the benches of those selling doves and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’
— Mark 11:15–18

I remember reading this story as a child and wondering what this ever-compassionate, peaceful man was doing turning over tables and throwing people out of the temple in a fit of anger? This didn’t seem like his regular personality, and the unusualness of it made an impression on me. He was making a strong statement about the sacredness of the temple and how inappropriate it was to use it for commercial purposes. When our expression of anger sends a loud and clear message that sets a healthy boundary, it can be the right action for everyone involved. But, it’s tricky. As Aristotle wrote:

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

This week, see if you can observe what happens to you when you become angry. Do you feel that explosive energy rising up in your chest, into your throat, wanting to express itself? Do you have lots of angry thoughts that seem to be fueling your anger? How about your tone of voice? Do you hear your tone changing when speaking to others when you’re angry? Or maybe you cut someone off in a meeting because you’re impatient with him or her and your anger is rising as you get more impatient.

See what happens after you’ve expressed your anger. Do you see the expression on the other person’s face change when you express your anger? Perhaps you have cultivated more passive aggressive ways to express your anger such as making negative side comments to someone in a meeting, texting those negative comments to others or gossiping about someone. Sometimes I observe people expressing their anger by provoking others with negative comments or intentionally being uncooperative to get what they want. All these expressions of negativity often stem from impatience, judgment and intolerance, and if we’re not careful, they can easily turn into an angry expression or invoke an angry response from another person.

This week, see if you can use your anger rather than allow it to use you. Observe how you express yourself when the state of anger has you in its grips, and see if you can moderate it to create a better outcome.

As Ambrose Bierce advised, “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.