Tag: being right

4/1/12 “Blame”

Good day, team.

Each week, I try to write about a subject that’s relevant for my clients. Unfortunately, I’m seeing blame crop up in the teams of some of my clients so I feel compelled to make it the focus of this week’s challenge. Blame is one of the most destructive attitudes to cultivate when in a dispute with someone. Whether you disagree with a family member, a friend or a teammate at work, blame plants the seeds of distrust, which in turn creates suffering for everyone involved.

When someone blames us, we go into defense mode. But the reality is: If we are trying to do our best, there is nothing to defend. Pay attention to how often you defend yourself with others. More important, notice how often you defend yourself internally with thoughts like “They really don’t understand me. I’m the one who was right; they just don’t get it.” Sooner or later, this inner defensiveness gets projected out onto to someone else.
What strikes me most about this is the partnership that blame and defensiveness form in working against us, particularly when we’re trying to play on the same team with someone. At the heart of this defensiveness is our overwhelming desire to be right. This desire, along with wanting to look good or appear smart, is so overwhelming that it blinds us to whatever anyone else is saying or doing.
I remember my father talking with my mother over dinner one evening about his colleague Bill. Bill always had to be right, always had to put himself in the best light possible and could not be trusted because he focused entirely on making himself look good. My father said, “Bill is so determined to be right that even when he’s wrong, he’s often the first to point it out so he can be right about being wrong!” I remember thinking how awful it must be to worry about what other people think about you all the time.
On reflection, I realize that what my father said that evening about not trusting Bill is at the heart of this issue. We can find other people to be reliable, competent and friendly, even committed to the same goals we are, but if we think their chief motivation is to make themselves look good or that their goal is merely the next promotion, a big bonus or a chance to pump up their ego, we won’t trust them.
When our self-image is at stake, many of us go to extraordinary lengths to defend ourselves. Sadly, though, the self-image we’ve created is imaginary, and so we end up defending something that doesn’t exist. I often ask my husband, “What do you see me doing?” because I cannot see myself. I’m too close to my well-honed self-image. I often have to check in with myself to inquire about my true motivation. Am I only doing this to make myself look good? Have I taken anyone else’s well-being into account before I pursue a given course of action?
Some of the people I consider heroes — Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi, Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama — have never been afraid to be wrong in the eyes of others when it comes to the well-being and welfare of their fellow beings. I hold them in high esteem and often think, “What would they do?” before I act.
Your challenge this week is to notice when you tend to be the most defensive. If you blame others when something goes wrong, ask yourself if blaming them will lead to a good outcome. How much of your motivation is about making yourself look good rather than what’s best for the team? Be courageous in your inquiry.
The Dalai Lama advises, “When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy. Pride leads to violence and evil. The truly good gaze upon everything with love and understanding.”
Have a good week!
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249
© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

11/15/10 “Choose your Battles”

Good day, team,

The coach’s challenge for this week is to pick your battles wisely and examine what you’re fighting for. In our determination to prove ourselves “right,” we often lose our ability to see the big picture and in turn lose sight of our ultimate goal. That is, we may win the argument, but lose something more valuable in the meantime. I remember my high school debate coach saying that if you use all your energy to win one argument, you may run out of resources for the rest of the debate. It may also be the wrong argument to sacrifice to the competition and, in the end, you will have won the battle, but lost the war.

Each day at work, we face many challenges and opportunities with our fellow team members. We often agree on the ultimate goal but have completely different ideas about how to achieve it. We often find ourselves arguing about different ways to do things or become irritated because we think someone is doing something the wrong way. It’s our natural instinct to try to correct mistakes. This impulse leads us to compete or lobby for what we think is right. But do we consider the ultimate price we pay just to be right? Are we distancing ourselves from our team members as we try to prove something to others?

Focus this week on where you’re currently at odds with someone or something at work. Ask yourself these questions:

1. What am I really fighting for?

2. What am I trying to prove or win?

3. How does this altercation relate to the overall goals we have for our team?

4. If I win this battle, does it get me closer to achieving my ultimate aim?

5. How can I think about this differently, so that my actions are more productive and less confrontational?

6. What can I do to neutralize this situation rather than escalate it?

Consider other approaches that may be more beneficial in the long run. Sometimes restraining ourselves on matters we feel strongly about requires much more effort than allowing ourselves to fight for what we think is important. In the end, it’s the consistency of our efforts and desire to have the whole team succeed that wins the day!

Have a great week!


Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2010 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.