Category: Testimonials

The Futility in Worrying About What the Future Holds

Good day, team.

Since my accident two weeks ago, I’ve had lots of time to think. Last week, I noticed that my brain had already started compartmentalizing my thoughts and memories into “before the fall” and “after the fall.” Funny, how the mind scrambles to assimilate information and process it. I’ve also noticed something new in my normal thought patterns. Since everything was taken off my calendar, except for doctor’s appointments, my thoughts about what I must do tomorrow, what comes next or what the future holds, haven’t been happening. This void has made me realize how much time I spend dwelling on the future or often having fearful thoughts about what will happen if I don’t do this or prepare for that.

Most of us spend an enormous amount of time worrying about, strategizing for and planning the future, even though we know things rarely turn out exactly as we expect. One of life’s great lessons is to realize that all the imagination in the world gets you no closer to actually knowing what will happen in the future. One of my favorite statements is, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plan!” I’ve thought of that statement so many times in the past two weeks. Before the fall, I had a plan of how the next few weeks were supposed to go. After the fall, none of it was relevant any longer.

Here’s an ancient Taoist story that clearly illustrates my point:

“There was a farmer, a gentle man, a humble man. His wife had died a few years before, and he and his son lived near the border region in China. One day, their horse ran away. They were dependent upon the horse. When the neighbors came to console the man for the loss of his horse, he answered them, ‘Who knows what the future brings?’

“Several months later, their mare returned with a wild stallion. Everyone in the village came to marvel at the magnificent stallion. ‘You are wealthy now,’ the villagers said to the man, congratulating him. And he answered them, ‘Who knows what the future brings?’

One day, the son mounted the wild stallion, but he did not know the ways of the stallion, and within a hundred meters, he fell off the stallion and broke his leg. The leg healed, but the boy limped. The villagers again went to the man to console him. ‘What terrible misfortune,’ they said to him. ‘Now your only son is a cripple. Your living will be limited. Worse still, how will your son be able to care for you in old age?’ The simple man answered his neighbors, ‘Who knows what the future brings?’ ‘A simpleton,’ the neighbors said of the man.

“A year later, a tribe from across the border was preparing for war. The Han army arrived in the farmer’s village, and every young man was drafted except the lame boy. He was of no use to the army. He stayed home. It was a dreadful battle. Only a few of the boys drafted returned alive. The lame boy cared for his father until his father’s death.”

The moral of the story is that the present is impermanent and the future is unknowable and filled with possibility. The farmer’s view differed from his neighbors’ because he understood that no one knows what the future will bring and that infinite possibilities can arise in the moment. If the farmer had been unwilling to let go of his idea of what would happen next, he would not have been able to take advantage of what was presented to him in the moment.

This week, try seeing how much of your time is spent worrying about what the future will bring. Do you often think about what to do next? Or do you have a strategic mind that loves to compare and contrast what’s happening now with what happened in the past in hopes of understanding what might happen next?

These mind exercises can be good in their right place. I have some close friends who get paid lots of money to spend all day doing just this kind of strategic analysis. This kind of thinking is simply a tool to help us predict what might happen. The conclusions we draw and our inability to let go of them — even though we can see they’re not relevant — is what gets us into trouble.

Like the farmer, try to see what’s directly in front of you to inform the best course of action now. Perhaps your strategic plan isn’t working the way you thought. Don’t be afraid to let it go and spend some time creating a new plan that’s more applicable to what’s happening. Or create multiple plans for different outcomes so that you give yourself more options.

When my grandfather was in his 80s, he said one of the compensating factors about old age was that the future he used to worry about so much was now here. “I can see the finish line from here,” he would say with a look of relief on his face. “Happy to say, it looks better than I thought it would. So I’m having a pretty good time right now!”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Challenges and Benefits of Vulnerability

Good day, team.

First, I apologize that I was not able to publish a challenge last week. I had an accident on Saturday night and couldn’t send what I had written. I will send that challenge at another time when it seems more appropriate.

As many of you know, I fell down a flight of wooden stairs and landed on my face. I sustained a concussion, broke my nose, fractured a vertebra in my upper spine, and received numerous bruises and lacerations. Last Sunday, I looked like a ringer for the best Halloween zombie costume!

After three hours of emergency surgery, I was hospitalized until this past Wednesday and have been recuperating at home since then. Each day I make more progress. Many of the small things I previously took for granted have been such a joy to reintroduce into my day: breathing through my nose, having my taste buds re-emerge, brushing my teeth, reading a book. I do these small, banal activities each day without even thinking, but after days without them, it is so sweet to begin to do them for myself again. Of course, this accomplishment comes after having been completely dependent on others to care for me, from the moment my husband flew down the stairs to help me until I returned home from the hospital.

Herein lies the subject of this week’s challenge: vulnerability. The word vulnerable comes from the Latin vulnera, which means “to wound.” It is defined as, “capable or susceptible of being wounded or hurt, open to moral attack, criticism, difficult to defend.” All of these definitions elicit fear in us. Being completely defenseless and vulnerable with others is an experience we rarely allow to happen. Only when we are unable to defend ourselves from people or circumstances can the experience of being vulnerable occur.

Never have I been more vulnerable than I’ve been this past week. I’ve had no choice but to surrender completely to the care and consideration of others. The joy in this has been to see how incredibly loving and compassionate everyone has been. I have such clear memories from this past week: the elderly Latina ER nurse murmuring, “Parajito herido” (little wounded bird) with such tenderness as she cleaned the blood off my face; the surgeon placing his strong, reassuring hand on my shoulder as they wheeled me into the operating room; and the look of such love and relief on my husband’s face as he held the straw up to my mouth for my first sip of water after surgery. These images are chiseled into my memory.

I am a pretty controlling person. I have a hard time letting other people do things for me without giving them directions or advice. I’m in the business of serving and advising others on a daily basis, which is not uncommon for someone who has a controlling nature. The idea of being vulnerable is abhorrent to people like me. That’s why this past week has been such an eye opener. Being so vulnerable, I’ve had no choice but to let others take care of everything and just receive their love and kindness without resisting. And I can see how that is helping me heal — on a much more profound level than I ever imagined.

This week, consider letting your defenses down for a moment or two to allow others to help you. When someone offers to bring you coffee or pick up your dishes, let them. In meetings, don’t keep talking if you really don’t know the answer to a problem. Stop talking and ask others for help finding the right answer. If you’re having trouble trusting someone, try assuming positive intent and seeing what the outcome is. Sometimes we have to trust a little more than we’re comfortable with to find out that it’s okay. If you’re always the driver, how about sitting in the back seat and letting someone else drive? You may actually enjoy the ride instead of being so determined to get everyone to the destination.

In my moments of vulnerability this week, I received so much more than I would have asked for myself. By not controlling what was happening, things and people came to me naturally, and each gift was exactly what was needed in the moment.

This life, this dream, we so often take for granted — or try to control — can change in an instant. In each moment, we can experience so much love and beauty if we only allow ourselves to receive it. Give yourself time this week to receive what others have to give you. Surrender — there is so little to lose and so much to gain.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Lessons from Horsemanship

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge comes from a course I’m currently taking in horsemanship. Having been afraid of horses for many years, I felt it was important to work my way through it by getting to know these powerful four legged creatures. In my training, the horses will actually be teaching me how to relate to them, how to speak their language, and engage in what horses love to do. At the heart of my training are three concepts to remember when dealing with horses – love, language, and leadership.

It reminds me of a challenge I wrote in 2007 after having read the book “The Man Who Listens to Horses” by Monty Roberts. Roberts is a real-life horse whisperer, an American original whose gentle training methods reveal the depth of communication possible between people and animals.

My fellow coach Kate Dwyer (who’s also an avid horsewoman) mentioned to me that the similarities between coaching people and horses are uncanny. She suggested this book to me and in reading it, I have found many useful hints in my attempts to understand good ways of working with people.

Here’s an excerpt from the introduction to the book, written by Lawrence Scanlon:

“Three hundred years before the birth of Christ, there lived a Greek cavalry officer named Xenophon. He wrote a tiny classic called ‘The Art of Horsemanship.’ Here is a paragraph from it:

‘A fit of passion is a thing that has no foresight in it, and so we often have to rue the day when we gave way to it. Consequently, when your horse shies at an object and is unwilling to go up to it, he should be shown that there is nothing fearful in it, least of all to a courageous horse like him; but if this fails, touch the object yourself that seems so dreadful to him, and lead him up to it with gentleness.

‘Riders who force their horses by the use of the whip only increase their fear, for they then associate the pain with the thing that frightens them.’”

This advice makes me think about situations in which some sort of discipline is required. How strong do we need to be in getting the message across (the whip)? And what are the consequences if the people we manage or parent don’t do what we’ve instructed them to do?

Interestingly, none of us seems to have trouble letting toddlers know that if they touch a stove, they will get burned. It’s not hard for us to be quite direct in our instructions about it. However, try using the same direct message when cautioning adults about something that can burn them figuratively: We often stumble on our words and are not very clear about the consequences.

Coaching works best when we begin by being the active force but then quickly step back from that position so the people being coached can become the active force for themselves. People, like horses, respond best to those who are willing to be patient, considerate and clear about their intention, with no hint of anger or judgment.

Of course, managing people will require being tough at times. Such tough love will be effective if all team members believe the discipline is being applied fairly and that it’s for the good of the whole team, not just one person in particular. Toughness that comes from anger or bullying never works. The leaders challenge is to get a clear message across without evoking fear in the team member. Just as with horses, fear can create a reaction to do what the provoker wishes, but it also plants seeds of mistrust that last a lifetime.

One of the techniques Roberts uses most effectively, which he describes many times in his book, is to listen to what horses are saying in their own language. This attentiveness gives him the opportunity to respond to them in the same way, with the flick of an ear, the movement of an eye, or a facial expression. Our body language communicates volumes, and unspoken messages that frighten people or make them ill at ease do not facilitate good communication and often make people wary. Feeling safe is a prerequisite for being vulnerable enough to open up the lines of communication and say what we’re really thinking.

Your challenge this week is to take a lesson from our four-legged friend the horse. Take a look at the people you spend most of your time with. How do you treat them? Are you hard on them because you think that will bring out their best? Do you find yourself asking them to do something you wouldn’t dream of doing? Are you willing to invite them into the running, so to speak, rather than forcing them? How would you like to be treated in a similar situation? Are people willing to come back to you for more guidance, or do they try to avoid you? Do you cause people to fear you or respect you?

Once you are able to answer these questions, try taking a gentle, attentive approach with people. Maybe it’s just as simple as holding out your hand and asking for help rather than pointing your finger to get your opinion across. And if that hand offers an apple as well, you might just find that people respond like the horse does, with a willingness to carry you that extra mile!

Have a great week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Try Being Out of Time

Good day, team.

I opened the newspaper the other morning and read the following:

“What exists everywhere in the universe but occupies no space? What can be measured but not seen, heard, smelled, tasted nor held in our hands? What can be spent, saved, frittered away or killed but never destroyed?”

These riddles are on display at the National Watch & Clock Museum in Columbia, Pa., a fascinating place that showcases 12,000 clocks, watches, timepieces and timekeepers in 18,000 square feet of museum space. Truly, an horological wonder!

The New York Times article, “Where Every Second Counts” by Edward Rothstein, not only describes the museum but examines how measuring time has defined humanity. Time gives us a way to organize our lives within its boundaries. It makes planning and strategy possible. It allows us to form into groups and get things done. It increases our awareness of what remains constant and what changes. Since the beginning of time, humans have observed the patterns of nature (sunrises, sunsets, solstices), and these repetitions have given pattern to our experiences. Time has allowed us to see that each experience has a beginning and an end. Each measurement of time has a start and a finish.

Reading the article made me think of my own questions around this mystery we call time. Where does it go after it passes? What are we measuring when we tell time? How has the way we measure time fundamentally changed the way we live our lives? Why do I never seem to have enough of it?

I’m having a hard time, for example, realizing that it’s almost the middle of September in a year that has gone by at lightening speed. Today is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, and it’s hard for me to believe that a decade has passed. And as I get closer to my 60th birthday, I have very little understanding of what it means to be alive for 60 years.

Every week, my calendar — one of the major ways we organize time — dictates how I spend each day. I find myself thinking, “How can I save more time for myself or make more time to spend with the people I love?” And each week, I continue to go from one appointment to the next trying to get the most out of the time I have.

This weekend, I found myself sitting in a chair staring into space. It suddenly dawned on me that I had nothing I had to do, no place I had to be, no appointment that needed keeping and I could just sit there. The moments ticked by. The thought arose, “Am I wasting my time?” “I think not,” was the inner response. Perhaps in these moments, I am not allowing time to waste me.

This week, take a moment to be out of time. Let it go. Allow all the appointments and commitments and time-oriented things in your life to fall away. Just for a moment or two, allow time to pass without trying to control it.

As Golda Meir said, “I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Benefits of Being Tenacious

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge comes from my good friend Dina Bright who heard the story at the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles. The challenge within the story is about persevering even when you think you’re not accomplishing anything.

Push Your Rock

There once was a man who had a huge desire to please God, so he prayed day and night until one day a voice spoke to him, “I want you to go and push a rock.”

The man woke up the next morning elated and ran outside to find a huge boulder. He began pushing it, but nothing happened, so he kept at it all day. The next day he did the same, yet it still didn’t budge an inch. He went on like that for three months, until one day he got so frustrated that he stopped pushing.

That night he had a dream, and the same voice asked him, “Why did you stop pushing?”

“Nothing happened,” he answered.

“Nothing happened? Look at you! Look how determined and focused you’ve become. Look how powerful your muscles are now. You’re no longer the person you were when you started. Besides, I didn’t tell you to move the rock; I told you to push it. I’ll move the rock when it’s time.”

This week’s challenge is simply to keep pushing your rock. It’ll move at the right moment, in the perfect time, when you least expect it. Meanwhile, amazing things are happening, even if you’re not noticing them yet.

This Labor Day weekend, take the time to rest and relax. I have no doubt that we’ll all be pushing our rocks come Tuesday morning, so enjoy this time off while you have it.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Value of Making a Difference

Good day, team.

This past week I worked with two teams at two companies in two locations. At one location, I found myself standing at a whiteboard in a conference room talking about team dynamics as the team nodded in agreement about the challenges of dealing with others. At another location, I stood on the deck of a boat, watching whales swim just 20 feet away as the team ooh’ed and aah’ed.

What kind of job is this, I wondered? In all my wildest dreams, I never would have imagined many of the amazing experiences I’ve had while working for a living. In many ways “working for a living” is exactly what some of these experiences have been for me. My work has expanded my life and given it meaning. Each day I am given the opportunity to make a difference in my own life by making a difference in the lives of others.

I consider myself extremely lucky that a decade ago I experienced a mid-life crisis on several levels. I began to realize how unhappy I was with almost all aspects of my life. I was out of alignment, and each day this gnawing inside me became more and more painful. With the help of a coach and a therapist — as well as a health crisis that kicked me in the butt — I began to make better choices in my career and personal life.

Then one day, the coaching profession, very much in its infancy at that time, offered itself up to me when a close friend suggested, “Hey, what about coaching?” I thought he meant volleyball.

It’s funny how that one casual conversation changed my work life profoundly. Coaching has given me the opportunity to touch people’s lives in a way that I never thought possible. As I approached my 50s, making a difference became more and more important to me. The ability to offer something that helps people improve their lives is at the core of my joy.

This past week, I was inspired by one team because of how honest and open everyone was with one another. Managing difficult people is frustrating, and I respected the efforts of these managers as they worked to find good solutions and assume the positive intent of their people. Change the scene and team members, and I was again in awe of a different group of people who continue each day to try to make their company a better place to work. For many of them, the past few years have not been encouraging or successful. A lack of clear vision or mission and many changes at the executive level have left them feeling hopeless at times. And yet, they continue to come back day after day to make a positive difference.

In both cases, I was amazed by the dedication and willingness to serve others. I’m grateful that my job allows me to provide them with guidance in their quest to be better for themselves and make things better for others.

This week, see what makes you happiest in your work life. Perhaps it’s watching your people develop as you mentor and manage them. Maybe it’s your ability to bring a team together to keep everyone focused and engaged as they work on a project. Some of my clients find joy in acting as individual contributors by making a process easier for a team. Others have become subject-matter experts and enjoy providing insight, vision and expertise to their team.

Three wonderful quotes come to mind on this subject. This week, I hope one of them inspires you to make a difference for yourself and others.

“This is the true joy in life — being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” — George Bernard Shaw

“It’s easy to make a buck. It’s a lot tougher to make a difference.” — Tom Brokaw

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” — Edward Everett Hale

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

What Would Your Epitaph Be?

Good day, team.

Your challenge this week is about how you would like to be remembered. First, I offer some context.

On vacation last week, my husband and I took a road trip to Idaho. We visited friends in beautiful Sandpoint on Lake Pend Orielle and then traveled to the little towns of Grangeville and Nez Perce to discover what we could about my husband’s extended family. Surrounded by miles of wheat and corn fields, these towns have hardly changed since my husband’s relatives grew up there. These small and quiet towns are home to middle class farmers and stay-at-home moms who still put up pickles and jams and hang their clothes on the line outside. The most important events of the year are high school football games, the harvest and the Nez Perce Indian celebrations.

The Sunday we arrived in Grangeville, the entire town was in the park. Kids played in the community swimming pool, and adults sat in aluminum lawn chairs under shade trees, drinking lemonade and chatting about this year’s strange weather, the price of wheat, and which piece of machinery broke down last week.

We sought out the town cemetery to look for the gravesites of David’s ancestors — the Overmans, Watsons, Sinclairs, and Whites. The prairie hill cemetery sits on a small rise with a gorgeous 360-degree view. The hot, dry breeze made wave-like patterns over the fields of high grass, and swirling clouds of dust surrounded the few harvesters out in the fields working to get a few more rows done. I realized that this view and this place had remained the same for many generations. It was comforting to feel its stability.

As we walked the rows of the cemetery, I read one headstone after another and pieced together a small picture of the lives of those who had lived here over the years:

Sarah, 1888–1902 — Darlin’ daughter of Ed and Wilma, whom the angels took too soon
Edward, 1904–1918 — Our brave and hearty son and brother
Leslie, 1872–1918 — True to every trust
William, 1872–1945 — Only game fish swim up stream
James, 1922–1945 — A valiant solder who died for us
Percy, 1891–1954 — Loving family man and famous fisherman
Clarisse, 1934–1935 — How brief and sweet was your time on earth
Forrest, 1902–1917 — His burden is lifted up to God
Cyrus, 1845–1901 — Here lies a loving man who served all with a smile
Myrtle, 1918–1982 — Sweet flower of the field
Florence Pauline, 1882–1899 — Thy memory shall ever be a guiding star to heaven

Who were these people? I wondered. Are their epitaphs a good description of who they were?

We stopped for lunch at the Hilltop Cafe, aptly named as it sat on the only hill in town. It was the typical cafe of the 1960s, with checked, plastic table cloths; dusty plastic flower arrangements; a bulletin board in the front entrance announcing local activities and services; bar stools covered in red naugahyde; and a large sign over the cook’s station that read, “If you don’t like it, don’t order it.”

The place was full of locals and a few bikers traveling through. “Sit anywhere!” a woman shouted as we walked into the restaurant. We took a couple seats at the counter, and it soon became clear that the place was run by that woman. Her name was Hilda.

“Order up!” she barked at the cook who was no more than 10 feet from her across a counter. “Where’s that tuna sandwich?” The cook’s downcast eyes reflected a combination of servitude and resentment.

“Fifteen years I’ve been runnin’ this place, and I still can’t get any decent help!” she said to a customer. Her servers and dishwasher just shook their heads and went about their business.

At another table, Hilda drilled an undecided customer. “You want curlys or French fries? I don’t have all day, so make up your mind.”

As I watched the scene unfold, I wondered what Hilda’s epitaph would read. “Here lies Hilda, the crabbiest cafe owner who ever lived” or “Hilda of the Hilltop — they ordered ’em up and she ordered ’em around.” Whatever it would turn out to be, I imagined Hilda’s dominating spirit would come into play.

This week, think about your own epitaph. What attitudes and behaviors do you show each day that people might use to describe you? Do you think people would say that you were brave, sweet, loving or loyal? Would they say you had a mind of your own or that you were nobody’s fool? Would you have a funny epitaph like one of these – “I would rather be here than in Texas” or “Here lies the father of 29. He would have had more, but he didn’t have the time.” My all time favorite came from a headstone in Tombstone, Arizona: “Be who you is, cuz if you be who you ain’t, then you ain’t who you is.”

Think about what others might write about you after you’re gone. How will they remember you? If you had to write your own epitaph, what would you say about yourself? And would it be different than what others would write? Most important, what attitudes and behaviors do you exhibit everyday that describe you?

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Benefits of Coaching Others

Good day, team.

Last week, I wrote about love and the importance of it in our private and professional lives. In response to the challenge, my good friend and fellow coaching associate, Kate Dwyer,* sent me the following wonderful poem. This week’s challenge is within her message:

“This poem reminds me of how my best coaching works and why — especially the last stanza. Of course, it’s an extreme example. But we often make tiny self-destructive decisions all day long, and the coach is there to help us choose something else, to choose something more creative, intentional, bold, openhearted. On a tiny scale, it’s like choosing life over death.”

Phone Therapy 
by Ellen Bass

I was relief, once, for a doctor on vacation
and got a call from a man on a windowsill.
This was New York, a dozen stories up.
He was going to kill himself, he said.
I said everything I could think of.
And when nothing worked, when the guy
was still determined to slide out that window
and smash his delicate skull
on the indifferent sidewalk, “Do you think,”
I asked, “you could just postpone it
until Monday, when Dr. Lewis gets back?”

The cord that connected us — strung
under the dirty streets, the pizza parlors, taxis,
women in sneakers carrying their high heels,
drunks lying in piss — that thick coiled wire
waited for the waves of sound.

In the silence I could feel the air slip
in and out of his lungs and the moment
when the motion reversed, like a goldfish
making the turn at the glass end of its tank.
I matched my breath to his, slid
into the water and swam with him.
“Okay,” he agreed.

Your challenge this week is to reflect upon the times you offer your coaching skills to your teammates. See if you can find ways to do more of it. Think about the times you offer advice to help others be more creative, intentional, bold and openhearted. See how the coaching transforms them and opens up new doorways. Find ways to have a positive impact on others. Explore new ways to help them see the same set of circumstances differently. Be the steady hand for them when they’re suffering with a problem at work.

Nothing is more meaningful than tapping into our ability to help others. This week, like the woman on the phone, be the person on the other end who is a lifesaver.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

* Many thanks to my wise woman friend and colleague, Kate Dwyer, for this week’s challenge.

“Phone Therapy” by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. (c) BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002. Reprinted with permission.
© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Importance of Love in The Work We Do

Good day, team.

For weeks now, the subject of love keeps popping up in my consciousness like a daffodil in spring. Bright and surprisingly strong, this tender blossom with its happy yellow trumpet has been asking me to pay attention. So, this week’s challenge is about love and how important it is in our lives — with family and friends, in our most private moments and even at work.

In preparation for our wedding celebration seven years ago, my husband and I looked for poems, books and songs that spoke about the subject of love. Nothing came close to what John O’Donohue wrote about love in his book, “Anam Cara.” In Gaelic, the words “anam cara” mean “soul friend.” Nothing seemed more appropriate than those words to describe the relationship David and I found ourselves in. Falling in love at 48 is considerably different than when you’re 28. At this stage in my life, to call my betrothed my best friend and most trusted companion meant more than anything I could have imagined.

I had the great honor of meeting John O’Donohue while traveling through Ireland with poet David Whyte and a group of aspiring writers. David and John had been friends for a number of years, and John took us on a walking tour of the Connamara region of Ireland where he had lived for many years in a small home. He was a tall man with windblown hair, incredibly kind blue eyes and a high-pitched laugh that never quite matched his countenance. His contrasting wildness and sweetness always refreshed me. His vocabulary was rich from many years of studying the classics, theology and philosophy. But all the knowledge he shared with us was delivered in an unmistakable Irish brogue and with a terrific sense of humor. Nights at the pub with John were the highlights of the trip, and I’ve never forgotten the glint in his eyes as he spoke.

I don’t know the whole story, but having been a Catholic priest, John left the church and became better known as Irish poet, philosopher and Catholic scholar. I believe in his life experiences, he began to find the Catholic Church to be too restrictive and dogmatic. His movement toward ancient Celtic beliefs was a better representation of his heart and soul.

Here’s what John wrote about love in chapter one of “Anam Cara”:

“When the human mind began to consider the greatest mystery of life, the mystery of love, light was also always used as a metaphor for its power and presence. When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with yourself. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning.

“It is strangely ironic that the world loves power and possessions. You can be very successful in this world, be admired by everyone and have endless possessions. You can have a lovely family, success in your work and have everything the world can give, but behind it all, you can be completely lost and miserable. If you have everything the world has to offer you but you do not have love, then you are the poorest of the poorest of the poor. Every human heart hungers for love. If you do not have the warmth of love in your heart, there is no possibility of real celebration and enjoyment. No matter how hard, competent, self-assured or respected you are, no matter what you think of yourself or what others think of you, the one thing you deeply long for is love. No matter where we are, who we are, what we are or what kind of journey we are on, we all need love.

“If you only awaken your will and intellect, then your work can become your identity. This is summed up in the rather humorous epitaph on a gravestone somewhere in London:

‘Here lies Jeremy Brown, born a man and died a grocer.’ Often people’s identity, that wild inner complexity of soul and color of spirit, becomes shrunken in their work identity.

“In the world of negative work, where you are controlled, where power prevails and you are a mere functionary, everything is determined by an ethic of competition. In the world of creative work, where your gift is engaged, there is no competition. The soul transfigures the need for competition. In contrast, the world of quantity is always haunted by competition: If I have less, you have more. But in the world of the soul: The more you have, the more everyone has. The rhythm of soul is the surprise of endless enrichment.”

I recall the exact moment when I realized how important it is for me to do work that is a better reflection of who I have become in my internal world. I wanted my doing to be a result of my being. The love I experienced in my heart needed a way to offer itself to the world in some way that it could be received. I often thought how lovely it would be if I could be myself at work and express my true nature, giftedness and imagination. I no longer could live with a separation between what I was doing in my career and the person I had become.

I often see clients who have outgrown their career, their job or their particular environment. It becomes more and more painful to try to fit a foot that’s become too big into an old shoe. It’s both inspiring and painful to realize that the love you feel within needs a bigger world in which to manifest. But the importance of allowing love and intimacy to express themselves through trustworthy and kind acts at work is essential. In John’s words, “Where you belong should always be worthy of your dignity.”

Your challenge this week is to see if your current job, your career, your vocation is a place where you can express the love and generosity of your heart. We so often associate these words with romantic love that we rarely see how love actually manifests in a work environment. The next time you see a team member extend a kindness to another, notice the quality of love at work. Try manifesting this love yourself. Perhaps it’s as simple as giving a colleague your undivided attention by listening or noticing when someone at work needs a helping hand and lending it. How about having a difficult conversation with a co-worker and being courageous enough to tell them the truth — but in such a way that they can receive it? Or how about remaining silent in a meeting, even though you know the right answer, so that your team member as the opportunity to shine?

One of my favorite Buddhist stories ends with a saying from the old master,

“If you do the work that you do from a loving heart, then you will always be able to make something beautiful.”

This week, focus on how your loving heart shows up at work, at home and in your quiet moments. Revel in the beauty and light this brings to you and others.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Inspirational Words From A Famous Chef

Good day, team,

One of my clients used to work as a chef. He often speaks about the high pressure atmosphere that exists in high end restaurant kitchens, the commitment to quality and the amount of criticism that’s levied on most chefs and their assistants. No matter how bad things get in his current corporate management job, it’s never as bad as what he experienced back in his days as a chef. All of this reminded me of a challenge I wrote back in 2007 that highlights the positive aspects of what it means to work in such a high pressure business. It is still as relevant today as it was then. Enjoy!

This week, I read a magazine article about top chefs in America. One of those interviewed, Thomas Keller, who started the famous “French Laundry” restaurant in Napa Valley and now runs “Per Se” in New York, is known throughout the world for his perfectionism. He’s one of the few chef’s who has earned a combined six Michelin stars.

In the interview, he said something that really struck me: “I tell cooks it’s about four things: awareness, inspiration, intellect and evolution.” When I read this statement, it occured to me that these are four of the five traits I consider to be most important in a leader. The fifth is “clarity.”

Without awareness, people miss what’s right in front of them as well as the benefit of self-observation. Without inspiration, they themselves are unable to inspire others to want to do more and be more. Without the intellect that comes from book and street smarts, it’s hard to keep up in today’s global world. Without the willingness to evolve as things change, people lose their flexibility. And without clarity, it’s hard for people to see the truth in a situation and communicate it in such a way that most people understand it. All of the good leaders I know embody these qualities.

Your challenge this week is to choose one of these attributes and make an effort to enhance it within yourself. If the trait is awareness, try being more present in each moment. Just look out of your eyes and feel your feet on the floor. Or maybe you become present to your breath. Try using whatever brings you back to the moment so you don’t miss what’s happening around you.

Maybe you’d like to be more inspirational to the people you work with. What do you love doing every day and how do you let others know that it gives you energy? Try sharing what energizes you.

How about increasing your knowledge about a subject and finding a way to share that with others? Have you learned something new that you’d like to share with a colleague?

Consider your evolution. Are you growing as conditions change and as you mature in your current job or life situation? If you feel stagnant, how can you jump-start your evolution by approaching something in a new way and challenging yourself differently? Are you someone who acts as a change agent within your organization?

Finally, how clear are you in your thoughts and words? Are you able to see through many extraneous facts to the heart of the matter and then clearly communicate what you see? Ask a co-worker what he or she thinks of your communication skills. Find out whether people understand what you’re saying. It may be a lack of clarity that makes it difficult for others to understand what you mean.

Whatever quality you choose, don’t be afraid to experiment. It’s through trial and error that we learn how to change the way we do things and thus gain a new perspective about ourselves and the world around us.

The article on top chefs noted that Thomas Keller had stood on a chair to sift confectionary sugar onto a cake to see if it would look more like fallen snow. Sure enough, the picture of the scrumptious-looking chocolate cake in the magazine looked just like snow had fallen on it. I was inspired by Keller’s creativity, adventurousness and commitment to making the most beautiful cake he could make.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.