Category: Testimonials

A Poem About Kindness

Good day, team.

April is poetry month, and it always gives me an opportunity to share one of my favorite poems. Poetry speaks to our inner being more than our external personalities. It has a way of revealing something that we know is so true, that we can hardly believe someone put it in words, in just that way, with such beauty and eloquence.

Special thanks to my wonderful friend Vanessa who introduced me to this poem.

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~ Naomi Shahib Nye

Your challenge this week is to find a poem or excerpt of prose that speaks to you. This assignment should not be difficult for those of you who love poetry, but if you don’t, try to at least take some time to explore a little — you just might find something that appeals to you. Sometimes the best poems are simple and short. Other times, a great poem is found in an entire book that describes an epic saga or journey. Whatever form it takes, find the poem that truly inspires you.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Effective Interviewing Tips for The Candidate – Part 2

Good day, team.

As promised, the subject of this week’s challenge is effective interviewing – part 2 — interviewing tips for the candidate.

I think it’s fair to say that interviewing for a job is an experience most people dread. None of us likes to be put on the spot to talk about ourselves, and when we interview for a job, that’s exactly what happens. Many candidates go into an interview filled with fear and loathing, which is not a great way to start. For one thing, it’s impossible to know what to expect because the person interviewing you could take any number of approaches. That’s why it’s best to be prepared and have a good idea of how you’d like to present yourself.

The following suggestions come from feedback given to and from both interviewers (hiring managers) and the interviewees (candidates). I gleaned these tips over many years while working as a recruiter helping companies find the best candidates. Lots of excellent interviewing techniques also can be found on the Internet, http://www.helpguide.org/life/interviewing_techniques_tips_getting_job.htm and I suggest you do some reading before an interview.

Do your research. The most prepared candidates have a much better chance of getting the job. Read up on the company in advance. Find out everything you can about the organization’s financials, product lines, values, executive management team, board of directors, employee experiences, etc. Websites such as LinkedIn can offer good information about the person interviewing you, such as where he or she has worked before, where they went to school, and who they are connected to.

The best interviews start with a strong connection. That invisible thing we call “chemistry” often has the strongest affect on how an interview goes. If you can make a strong emotional connection within the first five minutes of an interview, there’s a better chance that the rest of the interview will go well. Of course, chemistry can’t be determined in advance — you either have it with another person or you don’t. Still, it’s always a good idea to be yourself and try to make a connection right in the beginning.

Allow for small talk. The first three to five minutes of any interview are generally filled with small talk. It’s the chatter we do when we’re initially checking each other out. We make comments about the weather or the adventure we had trying to find the office or how busy we have been leading up to the interview. This small talk gives us a chance to connect when we first arrive, and these first few minutes are very important. Not only do they give the hiring manager his or her first view of you as a human being, but they also give you the chance to get settled in your seat, take a deep breath, and observe what’s around you. Is the interviewer’s desktop filled with papers? Does it look disorganized? Or is it neat as a pin? Is there dust on the furniture? Are there pictures of family members nearby? What’s on the walls? All of these things will tell you something about the person interviewing you. People like to talk about things they can relate to. Observing your interviewer’s environment gives you immediate indications of relevant subjects you can address during the interview, if the need arises.

Come prepared to be proactive in the interview. As a recruiter, I often heard hiring managers complain to me that the candidate seemed to be waiting for them to do all the work in an interview. “They never really asked me any good questions, and they just seemed to sit there waiting for me to ask the next question. Frankly, I couldn’t figure out what made them passionate or why they would want to do this job.” These complaints stem from candidates who don’t take an active role in the interview. Don’t be afraid to ask for more specifics about the job. Ask what the hiring manager’s biggest challenges have been in the past six months. Find out if there was someone in this job previously and ask what made him or her successful. Ask what he or she could have done differently to be more successful in the job.

Don’t be afraid to show your passion. “It’s not the steak that sells, it’s the sizzle.” Whoever said this understood that it’s the sizzle we experience that encourages us to buy. Whether you’re selling brown sugar water, better known as “Coke,” or selling yourself, nothing grabs attention like an impassioned experience or story. If you can get excited talking about how you’d do the job, you’ll get the interviewer excited about you. And don’t be afraid to tell the interviewer that you want the job. If you feel like this is the one, show it and say it. Enthusiasm sells!

Get the job by doing it in the interview. I’ll never forget the feedback I received from a chief financial officer who was interviewing four of my candidates for a controller position at his company. Three out of the four had excellent backgrounds for the job. The first two candidates had been assistant controllers previously for companies in a similar business, and the third had worked for the same public accounting firm the CFO had worked for and had come highly recommended by one of the firm’s partners, who was the CFO’s good friend. The fourth candidate was the weakest on paper, and the CFO came close to not interviewing him at all. But I encouraged him to do so because the fourth candidate was probably the hungriest for the job. And hungry candidates often go into jobs with the most commitment and drive.

After interviewing all the candidates, the CFO came back to me with his feedback and decision. He admitted that after interviewing the first three candidates, the public accounting candidate, who was recommended by his friend, was the top candidate. As he said, “I’ll know what I’m getting if I hire him, and that’s worth a lot to me.” But when the fourth candidate came in, he soon became the chosen candidate even though he had the least experience. This candidate proactively asked the CFO how he wanted to change things in the next six months to help make the finance and accounting departments more effective. When the CFO shared some of his thoughts, the candidate then started making recommendations and brainstorming on the spot. “I felt like he was already working for me, and he was making some great, practical suggestions that I could envision us doing to make things better. I almost told him to put a detailed plan in front of me by next month so we could start implementing the changes until I realized that I hadn’t actually hired him yet!”

Know you’re in a position of strength. Over the years, I’ve seen lots of hiring managers use job interviews as a way of intimidating candidates. Hiring managers often assume that candidates are only going to tell them good things about themselves, so they think they have to trick the candidates into revealing their hidden weaknesses. This approach makes candidates feel weak and defensive. The irony of this situation is that it’s actually the hiring managers who are in the weakest position. They have the opening and not enough people to get the work done. They have the problem, and you could be the solution. Most candidates who have made it to an interview have the upper hand because they have many of the skills that the hiring manager needs to solve the problem. So go into the interview with confidence.

Don’t brag, but don’t be afraid to crow. No one likes to hear anyone brag about what they’ve done, but talking about your achievements is appreciated. The best way for an interviewer to learn more about your achievements is for you to describe them. Your tone of voice and facial expressions will say it all. When we’re proud of what we’ve done, we tend to light up when we talk about it, and that level of inspiration is often what makes the difference between a memorable candidate and a ho-hum candidate. Once you’ve done it a few times, your fear of crowing about yourself will diminish and you’ll get over the fear of speaking about your accomplishments in a positive way.

Most important, be present. Don’t forget that we make the greatest impression on others when we can be present with them. People love when they receive another person’s undivided attention. It shows respect and demonstrates your ability to actively listen. Nothing is more disturbing to an interviewer than realizing that a candidate isn’t listening or didn’t hear a question because he or she was thinking about something else. And if you try to answer what you think you were asked but get it wrong, you may end up looking pretty foolish. Being present in an interview means releasing what you thought might happen so that you can experience what actually is happening.

I hope these suggested interview techniques will help those of you out there who are experiencing the fear and loathing of job interviews. It’s a daunting process, but with a brave heart, some good advance preparation and the ability to put some of these suggestions to work during an interview, you might just land that next exciting job.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Impermanence of the Material World

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about something borrowed. To explain, I’ll start with the description of an experience I had this past week.

Early Wednesday morning, I was at the airport waiting for a flight to San Jose for two days of meetings with a client. I was sipping my coffee and checking e-mail, trying to get a few things done before I had to get on the plane. Suddenly, I realized that all three of the diamonds in my engagement ring were gone. My heart immediately started racing. “This can’t be,” I thought. But, sure enough, they were gone. I was devastated.

I started looking around frantically. But they could have been anywhere — at home, in the car, in my briefcase, in the ladies room, anywhere in the airport. I called my husband. He was very reassuring. “Don’t worry, honey. That’s what we have insurance for. I’ll look around, but if we don’t find them, we can replace them.” That may be, I thought, but the one in the middle of that setting was the one he gave me 10 years ago when he asked me to marry him. That’s not replaceable!

I had 30 minutes until my flight was scheduled to leave. I needed to do whatever I could to find them. In my mind, I retraced my steps. Luckily, my practice of trying to be present in each moment came in handy. If you don’t pay attention to where you are, you won’t remember where you’ve been. Fortunately, I remembered many details about my morning. I went back to the security area, even though I knew the odds that I’d find the diamonds were slim to none.

It was an extremely busy morning at PDX. People were making their way through security, emerging on the other side of guards and X-ray scanners — shoeless, jacketless, beltless — fumbling around, trying to put all their stuff back in their bags. I approached one of the guards and asked whom I could talk to about something I’d lost. He pointed me in the direction of a large circular desk. A number of TSA officials were at this desk trying to deal with all kinds of issues: weird looking bottles of stuff, people who wouldn’t cooperate, a child who had run through security just for fun, etc. It was complete chaos.

I got a guard’s attention. “Excuse me, sir, but I’ve lost three diamonds out of my engagement ring. Can I go back to the line I came though and look for them?” He looked at me as if I was completely mad. “Nope, you can’t do that. Are you sure you lost them here?” He was right. I was crazy to think I could find them. Completely discouraged, I turned to walk away, but then another TSA employee reached out to me. “Draw me a picture of them and fill out this form. We’ll contact you if we find them. If you can remember what line you came through, I’ll go look around now.” I looked in her eyes and could tell that she understood what the situation meant to me. Ironically, she looked just like my Aunt Flo (my favorite aunt and godmother) — but in a pantsuit and with a badge. I thanked her, and as she went off to search, I continued to look around as well. Her kindness gave me a little bit of hope.

A few minutes went by, and I saw her walking toward me. The look on her face said it all: She didn’t find them. In that moment, I remembered something my meditation teacher told us at my silent retreat last November. “We actually don’t own anything,” he said. “Everything is on loan to us. Even if we have it for a lifetime, when we die, it goes to someone else or it expires in its own time.” In that moment, I tried to remember his words. The diamonds were on loan to me, I said to myself, and now they will be on loan to someone else. It’s the way of things. I simply borrowed those diamonds for a period of time. Still, I had to work to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks.

I was so grateful to the TSA worker for looking, even though I knew she had come back empty handed. In that moment, without a word, she held out her right hand to me and opened it. There, in the palm of her hand, were three beautiful diamonds. I burst into tears and grabbed her. “Thank you so much,” I blubbered through tears of joy. “I won’t forget you.”

My day was different after that. The idea that we don’t actually own anything, that everything is borrowed from what already exists, resonated through all my experiences. Was this my suitcase I was carrying or just one that I borrowed along the way to use on this business trip? What if my suitcase got lost along with all of its contents? Somewhere, someone would find it, and maybe they’d turn it into lost and found at the airline desk or maybe they would keep it for themselves. In any case, it would have gone from me to them, and at some point, it would end up in someone else’s closet or stay in the lost and found at the airport unclaimed. It might even end up at Goodwill or some landfill to be discovered by someone who doesn’t have much stuff. Then he or she would borrow it for a while until it went to someone else or fell apart and went back into the earth.

There’s no doubt that the potential loss I experienced had more of an impact on me because of the emotional attachment I have to that one diamond. Does that make it any different than any other diamond that exists? In fact, no, but in principle, yes. I can see that it’s not really about the object itself but rather about what it means to me. The more it means to me the more ownership I feel, and the idea that it’s borrowed for a time is much harder to accept.

This week, consider what you own and whether or not it actually belongs to you. Do you own your home or are you just borrowing it for a period of time until someone else buys it and moves in? Are your team members with you forever or are they just on loan until they move on to another job? What would it mean if you lost your most prized possession? Would it be the end of your life? Or could you accept that it had simply been removed from your life and possibly given to someone else? Once we realize that everything is only ours for a relatively short time — whether it be for a few moments, a few years or a lifetime — it becomes easier to appreciate it more.

This week, I will send the diamonds off to a good friend who’s a jeweler, and she will make me a new ring. Maybe they’ll disappear along the way, or perhaps the ring will be returned to me with a new setting that I can enjoy for many years to come. If that’s the case, I hope I can remember that I am just borrowing them for a while, and for however long they’re in my possession, I will try to appreciate them as much as possible.

Life is like that. It’s borrowed from a much larger existence only to be lived for the short time that we claim it. Appreciate it while you have it for it can all be gone in a moment.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

What We Learn About Trust From Dogs

Good day, team.

Yesterday, I learned that our good friends Bennett and Andy lost their dog Aspen to pneumonia. Their wonderful golden retriever finally succumbed to poor health after fighting off lymphoma for a year.

Aspen was just one of those dogs. When she approached, you just had to pet her. There was something about the way that dog was able to make loving eye contact with you that drew you into a strong, intimate connection. At the same time, Aspen had that playful puppy-like energy that always made you want to run out into the field with her to throw sticks. Nature and travel author Edward Hoagland once wrote, “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” In reading this, I realized that with all the dogs I’ve ever had, I was happiest with them when I allowed myself to become a lot more like them.

In thinking of Aspen, I am reminded of the trust equation. I often use this equation with my clients to help them understand what it means to trust others. Here’s the equation:

Trust = reliability + competency + intimacy
self-orientation

So, what does this means? When we begin a relationship with someone, we generally want to know whether he or she is reliable. If we’re meeting someone for the first time at 2 p.m., does she show up? If she’s late, does she call you to let you know she’ll be late? If she doesn’t show up, that’s usually an indication that she can’t be trusted.

Once we verify that someone is reliable, we look to determine whether he or she is competent. Can she actually do what she says she can do? Does she hold up her end of the relationship? Finally, if we determine that she is competent, then over time and with experience, we begin to develop a more intimate relationship with her. That is, we know she has our backs when things get tough. We can rely on her to tell us the truth, no matter how painful it is. And, most important, we know she cares about us and will always try to consider us when doing things that impact us both.

Intimacy is the bond that creates loyalty and a safe place for people to interact. It’s often the difference between a good team and a great team. A good team has players that are reliable and competent but not necessarily intimate. Great teams always have that intimate connection, and the players are always there for each other, no matter what.

All of these qualities are divided by self-orientation when it comes to trusting others. No matter how reliable or competent we are or even how intimate we are able to be with others, if our partners think we’re only engaging with them for our own benefit, they won’t trust us. Conversely, someone may be unreliable at times or not competent, or even struggle with intimacy, but if we know they’re in this for the benefit of us both, we will continue to try to trust them. If we know that our hearts are committed for all of us to succeed, then trust can build within the team.

So, what does Aspen have to do with this? My observation is that most dogs are a great example of the trust equation. Because of their capacity for unconditional love and adoration, we find their self-orientation to be very low and their loyalty extremely high. Perhaps it’s in their DNA to consider what’s most important for the pack and, in particular, for the leader of the pack. That level of devotion is something dogs exhibit to us daily, and it reminds us of how valuable they are in our lives. They may not always be the most reliable, and we may even question their competency when it comes to what we expect of them as dogs, but there’s never any question about their orientation. They love us, no matter what.

A client of mine once said, “Well, I travel a lot for business, and it’s always interesting to come home after a trip and see who’s most happy to see me. As soon as I drive up, our dog Max jumps up on the car door, hell-bent on getting to me as fast as he can. And when I open the door, he’s in my face, all fur and paws and tongue, just completely ecstatic to see me. Once I fend him off, he follows me faithfully as I go into the kitchen to say ‘Hi’ to my wife who’s making dinner and is on the phone. She gives me a slight nod, allows me to kiss her cheek and continues on with her phone call. As Max and I walk into the living room, my kids are watching TV. I give them a hearty ‘Hello,’ and they briefly glance at me and say, ‘Oh, hi Dad,’ and then their full attention is back to the TV. When I finally make it to the bedroom to unpack, there’s Max still right there with me, giving me his full attention and love. There’s never any doubt in my mind about Max’s love and devotion to me. But sometimes I wonder about the rest of the family!”

All the great dogs I’ve known over the past few years — Aspen, Yuba, Bodhi, Molly, Kiwi, Louis, Bruno, Astro, Ashley and Oso — have enriched my life. When I think of them, I realize how they’ve inspired me to unconditionally love others and to not be afraid to trust people.

This week, in memory of Aspen and all great dogs in the world, think of how they love and trust us unconditionally. Consider how much you can gain by trusting others. Do you only trust people when you benefit from something they do for you? Or do you trust them unconditionally because they’re also human? Are you willing to forgive your friends or teammates their momentary foibles or poor behavior because you know we’re all subject to these things and it’s not a good representation of what’s most important about us? How willing are you to be vulnerable with others and allow them to care for you?

Try allowing your natural tendency to love and trust others to emerge. If you have a dog, watch how he or she does it. We can all learn lessons about unconditional love from our canine friends. As the saying goes, “The more people I meet the more I like my dog.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team.

Yesterday, I learned that our good friends Bennett and Andy lost their dog Aspen to pneumonia. Their wonderful golden retriever finally succumbed to poor health after fighting off lymphoma for a year.

Aspen was just one of those dogs. When she approached, you just had to pet her. There was something about the way that dog was able to make loving eye contact with you that drew you into a strong, intimate connection. At the same time, Aspen had that playful puppy-like energy that always made you want to run out into the field with her to throw sticks. Nature and travel author Edward Hoagland once wrote, “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” In reading this, I realized that with all the dogs I’ve ever had, I was happiest with them when I allowed myself to become a lot more like them.

In thinking of Aspen, I am reminded of the trust equation. I often use this equation with my clients to help them understand what it means to trust others. Here’s the equation:

Trust = reliability + competency + intimacy
self-orientation

So, what does this means? When we begin a relationship with someone, we generally want to know whether he or she is reliable. If we’re meeting someone for the first time at 2 p.m., does she show up? If she’s late, does she call you to let you know she’ll be late? If she doesn’t show up, that’s usually an indication that she can’t be trusted.

Once we verify that someone is reliable, we look to determine whether he or she is competent. Can she actually do what she says she can do? Does she hold up her end of the relationship? Finally, if we determine that she is competent, then over time and with experience, we begin to develop a more intimate relationship with her. That is, we know she has our backs when things get tough. We can rely on her to tell us the truth, no matter how painful it is. And, most important, we know she cares about us and will always try to consider us when doing things that impact us both.

Intimacy is the bond that creates loyalty and a safe place for people to interact. It’s often the difference between a good team and a great team. A good team has players that are reliable and competent but not necessarily intimate. Great teams always have that intimate connection, and the players are always there for each other, no matter what.

All of these qualities are divided by self-orientation when it comes to trusting others. No matter how reliable or competent we are or even how intimate we are able to be with others, if our partners think we’re only engaging with them for our own benefit, they won’t trust us. Conversely, someone may be unreliable at times or not competent, or even struggle with intimacy, but if we know they’re in this for the benefit of us both, we will continue to try to trust them. If we know that our hearts are committed for all of us to succeed, then trust can build within the team.

So, what does Aspen have to do with this? My observation is that most dogs are a great example of the trust equation. Because of their capacity for unconditional love and adoration, we find their self-orientation to be very low and their loyalty extremely high. Perhaps it’s in their DNA to consider what’s most important for the pack and, in particular, for the leader of the pack. That level of devotion is something dogs exhibit to us daily, and it reminds us of how valuable they are in our lives. They may not always be the most reliable, and we may even question their competency when it comes to what we expect of them as dogs, but there’s never any question about their orientation. They love us, no matter what.

A client of mine once said, “Well, I travel a lot for business, and it’s always interesting to come home after a trip and see who’s most happy to see me. As soon as I drive up, our dog Max jumps up on the car door, hell-bent on getting to me as fast as he can. And when I open the door, he’s in my face, all fur and paws and tongue, just completely ecstatic to see me. Once I fend him off, he follows me faithfully as I go into the kitchen to say ‘Hi’ to my wife who’s making dinner and is on the phone. She gives me a slight nod, allows me to kiss her cheek and continues on with her phone call. As Max and I walk into the living room, my kids are watching TV. I give them a hearty ‘Hello,’ and they briefly glance at me and say, ‘Oh, hi Dad,’ and then their full attention is back to the TV. When I finally make it to the bedroom to unpack, there’s Max still right there with me, giving me his full attention and love. There’s never any doubt in my mind about Max’s love and devotion to me. But sometimes I wonder about the rest of the family!”

All the great dogs I’ve known over the past few years — Aspen, Yuba, Bodhi, Molly, Kiwi, Louis, Bruno, Astro, Ashley and Oso — have enriched my life. When I think of them, I realize how they’ve inspired me to unconditionally love others and to not be afraid to trust people.

This week, in memory of Aspen and all great dogs in the world, think of how they love and trust us unconditionally. Consider how much you can gain by trusting others. Do you only trust people when you benefit from something they do for you? Or do you trust them unconditionally because they’re also human? Are you willing to forgive your friends or teammates their momentary foibles or poor behavior because you know we’re all subject to these things and it’s not a good representation of what’s most important about us? How willing are you to be vulnerable with others and allow them to care for you?

Try allowing your natural tendency to love and trust others to emerge. If you have a dog, watch how he or she does it. We can all learn lessons about unconditional love from our canine friends. As the saying goes, “The more people I meet the more I like my dog.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team.

Yesterday, I learned that our good friends Bennett and Andy lost their dog Aspen to pneumonia. Their wonderful golden retriever finally succumbed to poor health after fighting off lymphoma for a year.

Aspen was just one of those dogs. When she approached, you just had to pet her. There was something about the way that dog was able to make loving eye contact with you that drew you into a strong, intimate connection. At the same time, Aspen had that playful puppy-like energy that always made you want to run out into the field with her to throw sticks. Nature and travel author Edward Hoagland once wrote, “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” In reading this, I realized that with all the dogs I’ve ever had, I was happiest with them when I allowed myself to become a lot more like them.

In thinking of Aspen, I am reminded of the trust equation. I often use this equation with my clients to help them understand what it means to trust others. Here’s the equation:

Trust = reliability + competency + intimacy

self-orientation

So, what does this means? When we begin a relationship with someone, we generally want to know whether he or she is reliable. If we’re meeting someone for the first time at 2 p.m., does she show up? If she’s late, does she call you to let you know she’ll be late? If she doesn’t show up, that’s usually an indication that she can’t be trusted.

Once we verify that someone is reliable, we look to determine whether he or she is competent. Can she actually do what she says she can do? Does she hold up her end of the relationship? Finally, if we determine that she is competent, then over time and with experience, we begin to develop a more intimate relationship with her. That is, we know she has our backs when things get tough. We can rely on her to tell us the truth, no matter how painful it is. And, most important, we know she cares about us and will always try to consider us when doing things that impact us both.

Intimacy is the bond that creates loyalty and a safe place for people to interact. It’s often the difference between a good team and a great team. A good team has players that are reliable and competent but not necessarily intimate. Great teams always have that intimate connection, and the players are always there for each other, no matter what.

All of these qualities are divided by self-orientation when it comes to trusting others. No matter how reliable or competent we are or even how intimate we are able to be with others, if our partners think we’re only engaging with them for our own benefit, they won’t trust us. Conversely, someone may be unreliable at times or not competent, or even struggle with intimacy, but if we know they’re in this for the benefit of us both, we will continue to try to trust them. If we know that our hearts are committed for all of us to succeed, then trust can build within the team.

So, what does Aspen have to do with this? My observation is that most dogs are a great example of the trust equation. Because of their capacity for unconditional love and adoration, we find their self-orientation to be very low and their loyalty extremely high. Perhaps it’s in their DNA to consider what’s most important for the pack and, in particular, for the leader of the pack. That level of devotion is something dogs exhibit to us daily, and it reminds us of how valuable they are in our lives. They may not always be the most reliable, and we may even question their competency when it comes to what we expect of them as dogs, but there’s never any question about their orientation. They love us, no matter what.

A client of mine once said, “Well, I travel a lot for business, and it’s always interesting to come home after a trip and see who’s most happy to see me. As soon as I drive up, our dog Max jumps up on the car door, hell-bent on getting to me as fast as he can. And when I open the door, he’s in my face, all fur and paws and tongue, just completely ecstatic to see me. Once I fend him off, he follows me faithfully as I go into the kitchen to say ‘Hi’ to my wife who’s making dinner and is on the phone. She gives me a slight nod, allows me to kiss her cheek and continues on with her phone call. As Max and I walk into the living room, my kids are watching TV. I give them a hearty ‘Hello,’ and they briefly glance at me and say, ‘Oh, hi Dad,’ and then their full attention is back to the TV. When I finally make it to the bedroom to unpack, there’s Max still right there with me, giving me his full attention and love. There’s never any doubt in my mind about Max’s love and devotion to me. But sometimes I wonder about the rest of the family!”

All the great dogs I’ve known over the past few years — Aspen, Yuba, Bodhi, Molly, Kiwi, Louis, Bruno, Astro, Ashley and Oso — have enriched my life. When I think of them, I realize how they’ve inspired me to unconditionally love others and to not be afraid to trust people.

This week, in memory of Aspen and all great dogs in the world, think of how they love and trust us unconditionally. Consider how much you can gain by trusting others. Do you only trust people when you benefit from something they do for you? Or do you trust them unconditionally because they’re also human? Are you willing to forgive your friends or teammates their momentary foibles or poor behavior because you know we’re all subject to these things and it’s not a good representation of what’s most important about us? How willing are you to be vulnerable with others and allow them to care for you?

Try allowing your natural tendency to love and trust others to emerge. If you have a dog, watch how he or she does it. We can all learn lessons about unconditional love from our canine friends. As the saying goes, “The more people I meet the more I like my dog.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

How To Have a Hard Conversation With Someone

Good day, team.

I’ve been reading a good book called “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, and would like to share some of it with you this week.

Plain and simple, a difficult conversation is anything you find hard to talk about. Whether at work or home, we all face the unpleasant feelings that come up when we know we need to have a difficult conversation with someone.

Here are some great examples:

Firing or laying off employees
Letting a client know that the project you bid on will be twice as expensive as your original quote
Telling a sibling or friend that they need to pay back the money you loaned
Explaining to one of your parents that he or she needs to move into an assisted living center
Describing to a team member that their behaviors are having a negative impact on the rest of the team

This list could go on and on. I’m sure you can remember the last difficult conversation you had and how it made you feel.

At the first thought of talking to the other person, we begin to feel dread and anxiety. Because of our aversion to these anxious feelings, we often talk ourselves out of having the conversation. Unfortunately, the longer we put it off, the greater the anxiety becomes. No matter how you spin it, delivering a difficult message feels like throwing a hand grenade, and as they say in the book, “There is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade.”

So, what’s the answer? By taking an in-depth look at what’s actually happening when we attempt to have these tough talks, we can become more aware of the opportunities that the hard conversations can create for all parties involved.

The book presents the idea that each difficult conversation is actually three conversations: What happened? What are we feeling? How are we identifying with this situation?

What Happened – the facts
Most difficult conversations involve disagreement about what has happened or what should happen. For example, a client thought a project was going to be completed within a certain timeframe and now it is well beyond the set deadline. The consultant says she informed the client that the deadline would have to be pushed out since project requirements had changed.

The truth is, these difficult conversations are not really about getting the facts right. According to the book’s authors, “They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations and values. They are not about what a contract says but about what a contract means.”

Instead of arguing about what happened, the trick is to get to the real intention of a conversation. And the real intention (How can we move forward and get this project completed?) can remain invisible unless it is stated up front. Because we all act with mixed intentions from time to time, it can be difficult to understand what our intentions are, let alone express them. Taking some time to clarify our intentions before we start a difficult conversation is one way to mitigate the anxiety. Expressing your intention up front shows your listener that no matter how confusing the facts are, your intention is still the same. And, most important, you can avoid the blame that often results from making negative assumptions about the other person’s intentions.

Feelings
Every difficult conversation asks and answers questions about feelings. “Engaging in a difficult conversation without talking about feelings is like staging an opera without music,” write Stone, Patton and Heen. They advise us to share our feelings in difficult conversations. If you’re under pressure to meet a deadline and it is making you feel stress, say so. If you’re having anxiety about discussing the challenging situation, name it. The other person will feel your anxiety anyway, and owning what’s happening to you in the moment will let the listener know that this message is as hard for you to deliver as it may be for him or her to hear it.

Hurt feelings are often at the heart of anxiety in a tough exchange with someone, and not speaking about them is a way of avoiding the real issue. Of course, sometimes we need to let sleeping dogs lie to not exacerbate a situation. More often than not, however, honesty about what’s happening to us in the moment and describing our feelings with clarity and sincerity is always a good practice.

Identity
For every difficult conversation, we have an internal debate with ourselves about what the situation means to us. For example, the client maybe be asking herself, “What did I do wrong here? I thought we were on the same page in terms of how this project would go. Did I not manage it correctly? How will my boss feel about my hiring him to do this in the first place?”

It’s likely that the contsultant is having his own internal dialogue stemming from their own identifications with the situation: “I’m responsible for getting this project done, and I’ve totally disappointed my client. I can’t afford to have him see me this way.”

If we weren’t having this internal dialogue, it’s unlikely that the conversation would be so difficult. That’s because we’ve identified with the situation and the stakes have been elevated with a challenge. We may begin to ask ourselves deep questions about who we are and what we are doing.

Try asking for a raise. Many questions start to come up as we attempt to put our identity on the line: “Will my boss think I’m worth it? Do I think I’m worth it? What happens if I get turned down?” No one likes to blow their own horn because we don’t want to seem self-centered. The irony is that it’s just as self-centered to focus our inner thoughts on what people think about us as it is to act from conceit. The focus is still all about us and the real message — the facts about our achievements — never gets delivered.

Your challenge
This week, spend some time thinking about the three aspects of difficult conversations. Spend time identifying your intention before you even start the conversation. What’s the result you’re trying to achieve? Don’t be afraid to express your feelings with sincerity and acknowledge that your listener is having his or her own set of feelings during the conversation. Try not to project your inner dialogue into the conversation. Understand the difference between how you see yourself delivering the message and the actual delivery by focusing on how the other person receives your message. Both identities are being challenged in the conversation so don’t be afraid to express how you see that.

As Stone, Patton and Heen advise, “Spend seven minutes and save seven hours later. The earlier you raise an issue, catch a misunderstanding or ask a question to clarify intentions, the sooner you clear it up and move on. The longer you let things fester, the bigger the problem becomes.” So, invest a few minutes and be skillful in delivering your message to save you and everyone in your organization time, money and a tremendous amount of frustration.

Have a good week!
Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Powerful A-Ha Moments

Good day, team.

This week, I share the writing of one of my clients who, in his honesty and authenticity, describes some aha moments he had this past week. Meaning, he came to deeply understand some things we’ve been working on together for the past year. I was so taken by the sincerity of his writing that I asked him if I could share it in this week’s challenge, and he has generously given me his permission.

As a coach, you can’t be attached to whether your clients fully understand how you’re attempting to assist them. But when you clearly see something that you know will help them, you encourage them to take a path to get that clarity, and when they do, it’s the most gratifying and fulfilling experience.

I am most grateful to my client, Devin Youngman, for allowing me to share his very personal experiences this past week. Here is his e-mail to me:

Hey Kathleen,

I just wanted to follow up after our last conversation. It’s been an interesting week with a lot of new information and a bunch of aha-type moments, especially during the off-site meeting.I’m still sorting through many of my thoughts in an attempt to put them together into something coherent. This week, I learned some stuff and came to some conclusions. I’m attempting to burn through the mental fog, to see the picture clearly that is in my head and set a better course.

I’ve reached a state where I’ve gone beyond what my role here at the company is and into what I really want to be doing. This is where I’ve had most of the aha moments and what is clear to me is that I’m still figuring out what it looks like. To use one of my co-worker’s analogies, some pixels have started to come into focus, but the whole picture is not yet clear.Here are some specifics of what I discovered and a bit about the process.

During our off-site meeting, as we were discussing the various roles of the newly organized teams and how they are supposed to function, I paid close attention to my energy levels: what pulled me in and piqued my interest and where I found myself starting to zone out and lose focus. As it turned out, there were many more moments of engagement than zoning out. I noticed I lost focus when I began thinking about my current situation with my job responsibilities changing and how I would position myself going forward.

As soon as I detached myself from that racket in my head (which I’m still not sure how I did), I found myself getting engaged, energized and running headlong into discussions, mental juices flowing, etc.

This off-site was a lot about building process and creating teams, empowering teams, etc., and I noticed that many of the folks at the off-site had not yet experienced the process we were implementing. So, I found myself in the role of impromptu trainer for how things work currently and the obstacles that we had overcome (or still have) and giving advice on how to do things.

This was a relatively short and minor portion of the off-site sessions, but the aha moment was when I realized that one of the things I enjoy most about what I do is the coaching/mentoring/teaching aspect of my role, which made me think about what else I could add to this list.

I know you suggested something nearly identical to this previously, but what I think was missing (what I was having the most difficulty with) was the sensation or feeling of being energized by something I’m doing. Frankly, I had gotten to a stage where I had started to forget what it was like to feel that kind of energy. I think, maybe, I needed to experience something authentic again before I could go there.

Anyway, this led me to creating two lists. The first was a continuation of the things that I do (or have done) that give me energy with a few examples and the second was a list of things I do not enjoy about my current role that suck energy from me.

(I can’t help but imagine your reaction to this, as you had me do that same exercise when we first talked about energy levels and here I am doing it again months later.)

What made the difference this time was that I didn’t look at my current responsibilities as things I needed to be doing and subsequently didn’t look for ways to find energy. Instead, I looked at what I was doing in the moment at the off-site and seeing how much energy it gave me. In addition, I realized that there were certain things I had previously (either consciously or unconsciously) ignored — probably because I didn’t want to face the reality that certain activities (like tooting my own horn to people I don’t normally work with) were things I felt were necessary and expected by others.

In many ways, I suppose, I wanted to succeed at all the things other people were doing or expected me to be doing and was not ready to admit that I was never going to get energy from doing many of those things. It’s still hard to admit, but as I’m writing this, a story suddenly comes to mind that seems relevant.

When I was in fourth grade we had one of those candy bar fundraisers for the school, which had a prize for the top few sellers.With the help of my dad and all the people he worked with, I ended up winning first prize. I received a nice little cassette player for my bedroom. I was overjoyed! But the reality was that I had only personally sold maybe 20 percent of the candy bars. Dad and his co-workers had done the rest.

The following year, they did the same fundraiser, and I was gung-ho to win first prize again. The competition was much more fierce that year as the prizes were better and the rest of the class realized what they could get if they won. Consequently, that second year it was much harder to win. Also, my dad had changed to the graveyard shift and had far fewer team members so I knew there was no longer an extended team that would help me sell candy bars.

So what did I do? Well, I was damned if I wasn’t going to win that first prize again. My friends all thought I was going to win again, and I had already been imagining what it would feel like to win two years in a row. The expectations were high.

Every day after school I went house to house, until it became too dark to see (even knowing I’d get in trouble if I didn’t get home by dark) because I wanted to win. I hit every nearby neighborhood, family member, church member — some repeatedly. I didn’t go anywhere without a full box of candy bars in case I ran into someone, anyone, who would be willing to buy them.I ended up winning again that year, though I couldn’t even tell you what the prize was. What I didn’t realize until years later was that I didn’t really want to win, but rather, I simply didn’t want to fail. I had built it up in my head that I KNEW I could do it, that people expected me to do it, and therefore I HAD to do it. The prize and recognition had lost all meaning, but how could I let people see me fail? It sucked up so much of my energy and I was so relieved that it was over, I didn’t even care that I won or what the prize was — the point was I hadn’t failed and I didn’t need to sell anymore candy bars (to this day I avoid sales related jobs or tasks like the plague).

Eventually, it occurred to me the following year, that there was a loophole in the system I had created. In the first year, by using my dad and his co-workers, I hadn’t really sold all that candy. I understood that to cheat was not to play fairly. And in the second year, what really motivated me was not failing in the eyes of others. It had nothing to do with selling candy and winning a prize. Also, in the second year, I lost so much energy from the entire experience that in my sixth grade year I didn’t sell a single candy bar. Whenever someone asked me how I was doing in the competition, I just told him or her I wasn’t selling that year. I don’t remember what I said when people asked me further about that, as I’m sure they did, but I never, ever told anyone the real reason.

Anyway, I know that was a long-winded tangent (it just came out as I was typing), but my point is that the feeling is the same today as it was then. There are some aspects to what I’ve been doing in my role that suck so much energy out of me that none of the energizers can balance. I’ve let it drain me to the point of apathy and so, in some cases, I mentally decide not to play. On the other hand, the things I mentioned such as coaching, mentoring and training give me a great deal of energy and are things I truly enjoy.

So where to go from here? I’ll admit, my brain is swirling with thoughts, ideas and events from the day. Now, back at the office, I had more one-on-one meetings today than I think I’ve ever had in one day, some of which should have drained me to my core. The entire day has been very emotional, but somehow it’s given me more energy. My energy level has peaked. I mean, look at the length of this email and I still have three sheets of paper with notes on them that I was going to send you.

But you know what? I’m not going to analyze it at the moment. I think there’s something important swirling in there, and if I’ve learned anything this week, I don’t want to force it.”

Many threads in this writing could be the starting point for your challenge this week. It could be to simply observe what gives you energy in your job and what takes it away. It could be to ponder what it feels like to fail. My client has given us plenty to choose from in his sincere writing. I’m choosing the importance of the aha moments that I’ve had in the past and how they are currently helping me to better understand myself and the world around me. Whatever you choose, I hope it leads you to your own aha moment this week.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

“ © Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Don’t Be Afraid to Think Differently

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about the struggle to stay current as we get older. A recent experience illustrates my point.

My office exists above a successful bakery and coffee shop in NE Portland. Needless to say, the early morning aromas of fresh-brewed coffee, muffins and bacon, wafting from the first floor to the second, present strong temptations.

Until recently, I occupied the largest office at the front of the building in of a suite of five. When you live in Portland, getting any kind of light into an office space, especially during the gloomy grey days of winter, is a luxury. I rented that particular office because it had an entire wall of windows facing south.

This past year, three fellows moved into the smallest office in the back. They had recently left their employment with a successful company to create their own startup. I could feel their excitement about their new venture, and everyone in our suite of offices encouraged them in their efforts. After almost a year of presenting their ideas to venture capitalists (a grueling process at best), they received a considerable amount of funding for their startup. The money arrived the second week of December — what a great holiday gift and a terrific way to start the new year!

Along with the funding, however, came the realization that they would now need to hire more people and expand. They were already crammed into the small office in back and began to look at office space in other locations. If you’ve ever shared office space, you know how rare it is to find people who all get along, and none of us wanted our startup guys to leave. So I decided to sacrifice my large office with all the light and proposed that we switch places. The startup guys thought this was a great idea, and when we all returned from the holidays, we commenced the move.

Fortunately for me, these three, young guys helped move me out of my office. After moving all of my furniture, books, rugs and other supplies into our shared reception area, I looked at it all and wondered how one woman could accumulate so much stuff in a year’s time (perhaps fodder for a future challenge). As I stood there, one of our other suite mates commented as he walked by, “Geez, it looks like an antique shop!” I was devastated! Was all my stuff so conservative and old-looking that someone would make such an observation? I looked at everyone else’s office décor. One could only describe it as somewhere between contemporary garage sale finds and IKEA. My Oriental rug, mission-style desk and comfy chairs looked ancient in comparison. I wondered, “Are my office belongings a reflection of my antiquated thinking? Have I reached an age where my thoughts and attitudes, which I often don’t question, reflect my age and many years of business experience rather than being particularly relevant to the present modern times?”

A few days later, in talking with my landlord about moving my landline from my old office to the new, he asked me why I even had a landline. “Don’t you use your cellphone most of the time anyway?” I had to admit that I did. There it was again. Had I become such a fuddy-duddy that I hadn’t even thought about why I had a landline? In my world, if you have an office, you have to have a landline. “But Dan,” I said, “I’ve had that phone number for 14 years!” “Well, that’s not a problem,” he replied. “Your cellphone company can simply port the number to your cellphone. The real question is, why do you even need that number anymore?” As I considered this, I realized I was actually attached to my phone number. Like having a pet for 15 years, I had grown an emotional attachment to a set of numbers!

Whether or not I get rid of my landline is not the point, but how I use my landline and whether or not that’s still relevant for my business is what’s most important. This means I need to change my thinking from “That’s the way I’ve always done it” to “Is this the best use of technology for my business?”

These thoughts caused me to make a resolution for 2012. This year, I will try not to assume that just because something was true before, it’s true now. There’s a lot to be said for practical experience, and I’m sure many of the solutions I recommend to my clients are still sound and work well. But I’ve resolved to question my thinking more often and to try new things. Part of the benefits of sharing office space with young people involved in a startup is that I get to witness how flexible they are in their thinking. They come to the venture with very few preconceived notions, and they’re not afraid to explore new territory. In fact, their new company is based on just that, a brand new set of ideas and possibilities.

This week, try experimenting with your thinking. Don’t be afraid to question your assumptions and talk about new ideas with your staff or business partners. Maybe you’ll reconsider some of the processes you’ve had in place for a number of years and change them or maybe even eliminate them altogether. Try asking yourself “Why?” rather than “How?” when it comes to the way you do things. You might even create a new meeting each month for the sole purpose of generating new and creative ideas. Ask people to come to the meeting with the attitude that the sky is the limit and that no ideas, thoughts or questions are stupid or inappropriate.

With the passing of Steve Jobs last year, I realized how much this man changed my life because he wasn’t afraid to think out of the box. He thrived on new ideas, creative solutions and that wonderful energy that comes from successfully doing something no one has ever done before. As he said, “Innovation comes from people meeting up in the hallways or calling each other at 10:30 at night with a new idea or because they realized something that shoots holes in how we’ve been thinking about a problem.”

This week, consider thinking and acting in new ways. As this quote from author and inventor Roger von Oech advises, “It’s easy to come up with new ideas; the hard part is letting go of what worked for you two years ago but will soon be out of date.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Great Suggestions for New Year’s Resolutions

Good day, team.

It’s a new year, and I’m happy to say that I’m feeling more encouraged and invigorated by 2012 already. I think 2011 will go down as a challenging year for most of us.

This past week, I had many thoughts about what resolutions and goals I wanted to make this year. I’ve often made the mistake of choosing things I can do for awhile, but then my resolve weakens and the goal is lost. This year, I’m taking some advice from an article a client sent to me about small things we can do at work that will be helpful. Although this article is already 4 years old, it’s still as relevant as ever.

Rod Kurtz, the senior editor of Inc.com, says workers tend to overlook office behaviors when making New Year’s resolutions. In his December 2007 article, “11 Ways to Make your Job Better: Office Resolutions for 2008”, Kurtz suggests the following resolutions to improve your workplace lifestyle:

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Fight the tyranny of the urgent. Be more productive by finishing small projects. Block off a period of time each day to take care of small tasks, leaving more time to spend on larger projects.

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Clean your desk. A lot of clutter makes it hard to be productive, and a messy desk can equal a bad day. Take a few minutes each day to organize the piles.

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Don’t be self-absorbed. Try not to ignore others; it may rub co-workers and subordinates the wrong way.

*

Come in early, leave on time. This forces workers to plan their day rather than wasting time and putting tasks off until later. Staying late isn’t always the best method.

*

Go to the gym — or don’t. Exercising relieves stress, but the gym isn’t the only answer. Workers can dance or participate in other activities outside the workplace.

*

Don’t shoot from the hip. Read through your e-mails and text messages before sending them. Make sure you know what you are saying.

*

Spend more time with your family. Make an effort to be with your family. They are as important as clients (if not more so).

*

Thank people and give positive feedback. Try to reward a co-worker with recognition. A simple thank you can go a long way and make people feel better about their jobs.

*

Take time to vacation. Taking a break from work can be good for our bodies and minds, a mental break for our batteries to charge. Bringing work on vacation doesn’t count.

*

Develop yourself. Be in charge of your professional development. Taking a new course or asking co-workers or outside professionals for help can increase your knowledge.

*

Acknowledge your shortcomings. You need to realize that you aren’t perfect. Recognize your weaknesses and ask others for help. Identify your strengths and be willing to help others where they are not as strong. This will help strengthen work relationships.

Kurtz also suggests that the more specific you make your resolutions, the better chance you’ll have of continuing the behavior. So, for example, instead of saying, “I’ll keep my desk clean,” it would be more effective to plan to spend 10 minutes out of each day cleaning your desk. Write down your resolutions and review them. This will help remind you of what you resolved to do.

Your challenge this week is to choose resolutions and goals that are achievable. Be honest with yourself. If you resolve to lose 10 pounds, what are you willing to do each day to lose that weight? Expecting yourself to lose it all within a month is probably unrealistic. Cut yourself some slack when it comes to holding yourself to your resolutions. Consistent, small steps generally get us to our destination even if we don’t arrive there as quickly as we’d like.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Note: Many thanks to my friends at Reclaiming Futures for sending me this article!

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Beauty of Voiceless Communication

Good day, team,

Back in November of 2006, I wrote a challenge about an amazing young girl named Bailey whom I met on an airplane flight to Portland. I’ve been asked by a few clients to re-publish this challenge as it seems so appropriate for the holidays. Here it is:

I had an experience recently that seemed an appropriate topic for this week since we are officially now in the holiday season.

While flying back to Portland, I sat next to a 10-year-old girl named Bailey. When I first saw her, she seemed just like any other little girl, but as I sat down next to her, the flight attendant informed me that Bailey was a “challenged child” (an odd term) in that she could not speak. However, the flight attendant went on to say that Bailey would understand everything I said to her and could communicate with movement and expressions.

This news made me immediately uncomfortable. As I buckled my seatbelt and settled into my seat, I realized how awkward and confused I felt. Should I speak to her or not? What kind of response would I get from someone who couldn’t speak? Did she even want me to interact with her? It was as if this little girl were made of fine porcelain and if I didn’t treat her very carefully, she might break.

Fortunately, Bailey immediately put me at ease with her beautiful smile and sparkling blue eyes. When I said hello to her, she smiled and waved hello. The plane took off, and I began to read a magazine. The many Christmas advertisements featured pictures of snowflakes, stars, icicles, presents, etc.

Each time that I turned a page and a picture of a star appeared, Bailey pointed to the star and looked at me and smiled. I would then say, “Yes, that’s a star.” Before long, I noticed that I was actually looking for more pictures of stars so we could communicate with each other.

Coincidentally, there was a boy sitting behind us about the same age as Bailey. I realized before long that he talked pretty much continuously, first about the X-Box he wanted for Christmas, then about his friend’s new cell phone, then about school, then about his Dad, and so on and so on.

After awhile, I realized I had toned him out. I may have been open to hearing what he had to say in the beginning, but after so many words, I was no longer interested. And yet, every movement and expression of the little girl sitting next to me, who couldn’t speak a word, kept me keenly interested in what she was communicating.

This experience made me think about our basic need to connect with each other as human beings, and the importance of allowing our emotional beings to reach out to each other in any way possible. When we take up all the space by talking about ourselves and don’t allow the other person room to respond, the connection is lost, and the speaker becomes a nuisance rather than someone we want to know.

Bailey taught me something fundamental about our true nature as human beings. Wordlessly, her communication came through loud and clear. Her loving nature spoke volumes, and our communication had a quality that I don’t often experience when I talk with another person.

At one point, when a picture in the magazine appeared that showed animals around a beautifully decorated holiday tree, Bailey took my hand briefly and pointed my finger to the star at the top of the tree. Her open heartedness moved me with such warmth and joy that it brought tears to my eyes.

This week, try connecting with others in ways that you don’t normally use. Experiment with being more present to someone who is speaking to you so that you can not only hear her or his words, but can also notice expressions and gestures. Perhaps you’ll try greeting someone with a smile and some eye contact instead of a hello. If you find that you tend to talk a lot about yourself, try to ask other people questions about themselves instead. Practice listening more, especially to the words that are not being spoken, so that you can have a different experience in your communications.

And finally, be grateful that you have the amazing ability to connect and communicate with others in so many ways. By meeting Bailey, I understood that some of us are not so fortunate and that many of the things we take for granted, like saying our name, are not possible for others.

During this holiday season, be thankful for your ability to let others know what you think, how you feel, and who you are. And don’t be afraid to really connect by allowing the beauty of your heart to speak out, whether it’s in words or silence.

Have a great week,

Kathleen

Note: The coach will be on vacation for the holidays from 12/24 unti 1/2/12. The next challenge will be published on 1/8/12. Here’s wishing you all a joyous holiday!

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

How Worrying About What Others Think Of Us Is A Waste Of Time

Good day, team.

In my coaching practice, I often see patterns or trends among my clients in terms of the difficulties they are experiencing. For example, in the past month, many of my clients have become focused on what others think or feel about them.

Overall, I’ve observed that we all spend far too much time wondering what others think of us. No matter how certain I think I am about what others think of me, I can never truly know without asking. And often, when I do ask, I end up being wrong. In fact, I often discover that the other person isn’t thinking about me at all but rather judging themselves in some way. Ironically, most people are doing the same thing: spending too much time and energy worrying about what others think.

Here’s a good example. Last year, one of my clients worked for someone she was convinced didn’t like her. She complained to me that others in the department got special treatment from the boss. She was jealous that he spent time mentoring others and felt he never spent quality time with her. She worried that her boss would give her a poor performance review. She became so convinced he had something against her that she began to fear every meeting she had with him. And she began telling others in the company that she was sure he was out to get her and that, eventually, he would fire her.

This scenario may sound paranoid, but many people experience these kinds of thoughts and feelings about a boss, a relative, an old friend who no longer makes contact, or even a current friend who they are convinced no longer approves of or likes them.

I suggested to my client that perhaps she should meet with her boss and express her true thoughts and feelings. My idea was to let him know that she understood her feelings might not be true, but that she would at least like to own them and clear the air. In exploring this idea, she admitted that what frightened her the most was allowing herself to be vulnerable with her boss. She worried that he could then really hurt her. I asked if going through her current amount of suffering was better or worse than the kind of conversation she and her boss might be able to have if she told him about her feelings. She went away pondering the question.

In the course of our work together, I began to see that by being so frightened of her boss, my client was actually beginning to attract the very thing she most feared — that he would fire her. One day, I received an email from her boss asking if we could meet. He expressed concerns about my client and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He observed that she often acted strangely around him. In their one-on-one meetings, she couldn’t make eye contact with him and would be in tears if he pointed out areas for improvement. When he did compliment her on a job well done, she brushed if off and said, “Well, that’s just part of my job, isn’t it?” He was particularly concerned about the effect she had on the rest of the team and felt that she might be spreading rumors about him that weren’t true. One of his other employees had come to him and told him that my client obviously didn’t respect him because she often complained about how hard he was to work for. He was beginning to think that perhaps she wasn’t the right fit for the job and the department.

Of course, the boss was struggling to figure this dynamic out and spent a lot of time analyzing each interaction with her. What was he doing wrong? Had he given her too much to do? Was she unstable and did his behavior provoke an emotional response to him? He was beginning to doubt his management abilities the more he thought about it.

Months went by until finally, my client’s boss reached a tipping point. He just couldn’t take it any longer and in the middle of a meeting with my client, he stopped and said, “What am I doing wrong here? You seem to always be upset about something I’ve done.” To which my client, burst into tears and ran out of his office.

The good news is that this was the needed breakthrough. My client later sat down with her boss and expressed her fears and concerns. She was completely shocked to learn that her boss had similar feeilngs of inadaqaucy in regards to how he was managing her. They discovered that their styles of communication and how they approached tasks was so completely different that they didn’t understand each other very well. Whenever there was a misunderstanding, they each were convinced that they had done something wrong and that the other was judging them for lack of performance.

The danger here is in projecting our madness onto others. When we convince ourselves that someone doesn’t like us, we make up stories about them and project those stories out as the truth. How often have you spoken negatively to a co-worker about someone you work with and then gotten your co-worker to believe things about that person that aren’t even true? It can take years for people to get over these negative stories and the fear they can create in an organization.

This week, see how often you think about what others think of you. Are you worried about what others are saying about you? Have you become angry or fearful because you’re convinced someone else thinks your not good enough or not competent in your job? Have you become so convinced that someone doesn’t like you that you try to find reasons not to like them as well? All of this can be avoided when we realize that no one spends all that much time thinking about us, whether in a negative or a positive vein. Allowing our imagination to run wild with our false stories and interpretations of events has a destructive effect on us that can last a life time.

Everyday I ask myself, do these thoughts I’m having serve me? Is it worth my time and energy to continue to worry about something I have no control over? How damaging is it for me to allow my mind to run wild with these thoughts? Perhaps, I can think better thoughts about myself and this other person. What do I know about both of us that’s really true?

I know these thoughts will come and go. It’s just a question of whether I want to hold onto them, entertain them and feed them. At the heart of it, we all want to be loved and cared for. But the only person I have control over is myself. So, I try to love and care for myself each day. The good news is that when I do this, my ability to love and care for others increases and it’s no longer just about me. It becomes much more about us.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.