Category: Testimonials

Make Time To Do What You Love

Good morning, team,

April is National Poetry Month, and the occasion reminds me how important it is to pursue interests other than work. When I was young, I wrote poetry. I’m not sure why; somehow poetry spoke to me very early on, and I started making up rhymes in my head and then writing them down. Once, I woke in the night with a poem that was so anxious to get written down that I wrote it on the bed sheet. My supportive mother cut the poem out of the sheet the next morning and remade my bed with a new one. When I came home from school that day, there was my poem, written with pencil on a piece of rumpled sheet. From then on, there was always paper and pen by my bedside.

My poetry muse continued to influence me until I was in high school. When I was a sophomore, I began to be very critical of my poetry. I worried what other people would think, and the satisfaction I felt after I’d written a poem was quickly being replaced by embarrassment. One day in English class, I wrote a poem about our beagle, Charley. We all had to read our poems out loud, and although mine was far superior to many, when a boy I had a crush on teased me later and told me how stupid my poem was, I didn’t write another for almost 25 years.

By the time I was in my early twenties, I was working in Washington, D.C., in a crazy, fast-growing business, and all my available time was taken up by my job. I worked incredibly hard during the week and then tried to recover on the weekends. Hobbies and extracurricular activities went by the wayside.

It wasn’t until I was approaching middle age that I began writing poetry again. I had forgotten how good it made me feel to use words to create pictures and to be able to express my most intimate thoughts in poetic form. I also realized that it had been years since I’d engaged myself in any activity that wasn’t work-related.

The experience I had had as a child when I wrote poetry began to re-emerge. It was so satisfying to sit and write for a few hours and then go back the next day and read what I’d written. The critical part of my brain had matured and was not so anxious to jump in and tell me everything that was wrong with the poem. Or perhaps those thoughts were there, but I just didn’t take them as seriously any more. I was finally able to do something for pure enjoyment that had nothing to do with my work or my family: It was just for me. And every time I wrote a line it energized me and made me feel good.

Your challenge this week is to identify your interests that are not work-related and cultivate them. In my husband’s case, he plays keyboards once a week with a drummer. They don’t do it to perform or to record, they just get together every Wednesday night and play because they love it. This pleasure keeps him balanced and healthy. When he plays, he’s not thinking about anything else, he’s just enjoying the music.

If you already have something in your life that you do for pure enjoyment, be sure you continue to make space for it. If you find that most of your time is taken up by obligations, carve out some time for yourself when you can re-energize, recreate, and renew by doing something you love. Maybe it’s quilting, (how many women do you know who have a room full of crafting materials that never get used?) or knitting or painting or gardening. Perhaps you enjoy carpentry or boating or dancing. A game of golf can often restore all the energy that an entire week of strategic planning meetings uses up. Find your special hobby or interest and don’t let a week go by without making time for it.

Remember the old saying, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” Find that thing you love to do and do more of it.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2008 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Staying True to What You Value Most

Good day team,
This week’s challenge is about remembering what you asked for and staying true to what’s most important.

Here’s a story that illustrates how easy it is to drift away from core values.

In my first meeting with a prospective client, I often ask these three questions:
1. What’s your vision for what you want to achieve?
2. What lessons have you learned from past experiences that prevented you from achieving a vision?
3. How do you think a coach can help you realize your vision?

The answers to these questions set the foundation of our relationship. They are typically very positive and full of optimism:
“I want to create a profitable company that provides good jobs for others and has a positive impact on the world.”
“I see a team of people who are creating new processes that make our jobs easier to do and the team is happier because of the improvements we’ve made.”
“I want to create a company that is highly innovative – where creativity and new ways of thinking are encouraged in everything we do.”
“I want my employees to feel empowered, come to work everyday because they love what they do, and feel passionate about our products and customers.”
“I want to lead my people but not micromanage them so they continue to feel like we’re in partnership and able to take ownership at the same time.”

We build plans based upon their answers and begin a program of coaching and training to create the kind of environment that makes their visions achievable. This works well until my client starts to veer away from the original ask.

Here’s an example.

Bill is the CEO of a start-up company. He left his job as the lead software engineer and started his own company to get out from under a boss that was too demanding and controlling. He dreamed of creating a company where he could hire a team of smart people who wanted to work collaboratively and loved to be challenged. He came up with a brilliant design for a new product, created a business plan for his start-up and sold the whole idea to some investors. Bingo – Bill had a small office, two partners from his previous company, and enough money in the bank to get his product launched.

The first six months Bill was in business he decided to hire me to help him navigate the tough waters of creating a new business. We worked to articulate a core set of values that would help Bill lead the team , stay true to what was important to them, and put their values into action. We did exercises that helped the team understand one other’s behaviors and strengths, and provided tools that could aid them in their collaborative efforts. As his brand began to develop, we made sure that his vision and values were expressed in all corporate communications – both internal and external. It was a strong start – the product was getting a great response from the public, the team was happy and highly committed, and Bill was living his dream. Year one passed with flying colors – happy team members – happy investors – happy Bill.

Into the second year, given the pressures of running a new business, things began to change. People worked harder and harder and stress levels rose. Under stress, team members spent more time in their back-up behaviors, attacking others and defending themselves rather than collaborating. In a frantic effort to keep up, Bill began to take more control of the day-to-day operations afraid that if he didn’t, the whole thing would crash and burn. He unleashed the autocrat within. He placed more demands on those around him, trusted his teammates less and began to micromanage the entire operation. As his coach, I tried to point out that things were out of control. His behavior ran counter to his expressed values. “I’d like to stay true to my vision and values, said Bill. But honestly, I don’t have time to think about those things right now. I’m the CEO of a start-up and this business is blowing way past any of our original expectations – it’s all I can do to just keep up.”

So, how could I help Bill? How could I help get him back on track?

I asked Bill for a time out. This wasn’t easy for him to do, since he was moving at break-neck speed to keep up with his daily challenges. He was now so involved in other people’s jobs, that he had no time stop and reflect. He was CEO, chief product office, and the head of sales, etc. I needed Bill to step back and re-examine what he intended for his company. Was his behavior reflective of his company’s values? And, most importantly, did Bill see what was being sacrificed in his attempts to have a successful company?

Bill needed to make a choice. He couldn’t go north and south at the same time. He couldn’t take more and more control and become more dominant if he wanted his people to feel empowered. He wouldn’t be able to have a highly successful team if the customers and investors saw Bill as a success but not the team. As one of his original partners said to me, “I’m not Bill’s partner anymore – I’m an order taker.”

Fortunately, Bill was able to stop long enough to hear me and his original partners early one Saturday morning over breakfast. Underneath it all, he knew that he was spinning out of control. He had the best of intentions but he wasn’t the kind of owner, CEO and business partner he had originally intended to be. With the help of his original two partners, he was able to ease up on the reins. He stopped dictating, asked more questions and fostered more dialogue. Even more impressively, he let the investors know that he was not willing to sacrifice the core values of his business in order to meet their short term expectations. He re-committed to the original core values to create a more sustainable environment for the team in the long run. As he said to me, “I was killing the spirit in the place and until I stopped, I was not even aware of it.”

This week, ask yourself if you are becoming more controlling as the demands of your business or your department increase. Are you staying true to your core values and vision? How have your behaviors changed? Do you have a way of getting honest feedback from others? Are you sacrificing the long term health of your company or team for short term gains? Are you dictating or inspiring and empowering others?

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.” Antoine De Sainte-Exupery

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2014 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Words of Wisdom

Good day, team.

This last challenge for 2013 is about finding grace and wisdom in the most unlikely places.

On a trip to California this week to visit a client, I found myself in a taxi at 4:45 in the morning en route to the airport. My taxi driver arrived right on time and greeted me with a broad smile as he took my bag and placed it in the trunk of the car.

Soon after leaving my home, we began to talk. Hearing his accent, I asked him where he was from. “Ethiopia,” he replied with a deep bass resonance in his voice. “Ahhh,” I replied. “I had a client once who is American but grew up there as the daughter of missionaries. She spoke very highly of your country and enjoyed her years there growing up.” And so our conversation continued about Ethiopia, his experience growing up there, the differences between his birthplace and America, etc.

We began to talk about the things that were most important to us as we were growing up. He spoke about always working at school and living in his small village with his family. He didn’t have much time for play as a kid and really didn’t have much time to enjoy the better parts of his culture. Ironically, now that he lives in the U.S., he makes an effort to meet with other Ethiopians to enjoy what bits of their native culture they can recreate here.

He talked about the differences between America and Ethiopia. As he put it, “Here, we all have food, a roof over our heads, a TV, a car, etc. It’s convenient. There, we had each other, and although it was primitive, there was much more connection between people. I took it for granted growing up. But not here. Here, I have to make time for the emotional connections I make with others.” I commented that I understood what he meant. I told him I had taken a year off to live in Italy when I was in my 30s, and that after being there a year, I observed that the Italians had created a daily routine that included about four to six events that allowed them to connect emotionally with each other ― early morning espresso at the coffee bar, midmorning cappuccino break, long lunches, drinks before dinner in the local square and dinner. We agreed that some cultures have foregone quality emotional interactions for efficiency.

As we pulled up to the curb at the airport, my driver turned to me with his bright eyes and big smile. “You know,” he said, “all people have that special something in them, that thing that’s so hard to describe but is always there. I call it love, and of all the things we have in this world, it’s the most precious. To have a good life, we have to share it.”

I smiled back at my Ethiopian messenger. He reminded me of something I read in the Bible as a child: “You also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” Luke 12:40.

This week, listen to the messages of grace, love and wisdom that come to you, often from the least likely places. Maybe it’s your child whose words remind you of what’s most important in your life. Perhaps it’s the produce guy at the grocery store who comments about vegetables in a way that reminds you how connected we are to the earth. Or maybe it’s a team member whose humorous remark in a moment, reveals something true about you.
These words of wisdom can come from anyone. Whatever the message, see them as gifts that come to you along the way.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us, “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.”

Have a great holiday!

Kathleen

NOTE: The next coach’s challenge will be published Jan. 12, 2014.

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Importance of Human Connection

Good day, team.

A few years ago, I wrote a coach’s challenge about a young girl named Bailey who I sat next to on an airplane flight. She taught me something fundamental about communication and emotional presence that I think is always worth sharing. I re-publish this challenge each year during the holidays in dedication to her. Here it is:

I had an experience recently that seemed an appropriate topic for this week since we are officially now in the holiday season.

While flying back to Portland, I sat next to a 10-year-old girl named Bailey. When I first saw her, she seemed just like any other little girl, but as I sat down next to her, the flight attendant informed me that Bailey was a “challenged child” (an odd term) in that she could not speak. However, the flight attendant went on to say that Bailey would understand everything I said to her and could communicate with movement and expressions.

This news made me immediately uncomfortable. As I buckled my seatbelt and settled into my seat, I realized how awkward and confused I felt. Should I speak to her or not? What kind of response would I get from someone who couldn’t speak? Did she even want me to interact with her? It was as if this little girl were made of fine porcelain and if I didn’t treat her very carefully, she might break.

Fortunately, Bailey immediately put me at ease with her beautiful smile and sparkling blue eyes. When I said hello to her, she smiled and waved hello. The plane took off, and I began to read a magazine. The many Christmas advertisements featured pictures of snowflakes, stars, icicles, presents, etc.

Each time that I turned a page and a picture of a star appeared, Bailey pointed to the star and looked at me and smiled. I would then say, “Yes, that’s a star.” Before long, I noticed that I was actually looking for more pictures of stars so we could communicate with each other.

Coincidentally, there was a boy sitting behind us about the same age as Bailey. I realized before long that he talked pretty much continuously, first about the X-Box he wanted for Christmas, then about his friend’s new cell phone, then about school, then about his Dad, and so on and so on.

After awhile, I realized I had toned him out. I may have been open to hearing what he had to say in the beginning, but after so many words, I was no longer interested. And yet, every movement and expression of the little girl sitting next to me, who couldn’t speak a word, kept me keenly interested in what she was communicating.

This experience made me think about our basic need to connect with each other as human beings, and the importance of allowing our emotional beings to reach out to each other in any way possible. When we take up all the space by talking about ourselves and don’t allow the other person to respond, the connection is lost, and the speaker becomes a nuisance rather than someone we want to know.

Bailey taught me something fundamental about our true nature as human beings. Wordlessly, her communication came through loud and clear. Her loving nature spoke volumes, and our communication had a quality that I don’t often experience when I talk with another person.

At one point, when a picture in the magazine appeared that showed animals around a beautifully decorated holiday tree, Bailey took my hand briefly and pointed my finger to the star at the top of the tree. Her open heartedness moved me with such warmth and joy that it brought tears to my eyes.

This week, try connecting with others in ways that you don’t normally. Experiment with being more present to someone who is speaking to you so that you can not only hear her or his words, but can also notice expressions and gestures. Perhaps you’ll try greeting someone with a smile and some eye contact instead of a hello. If you find that you tend to talk a lot about yourself, try to ask other people questions about themselves instead. Practice listening more, especially to the words that are not being spoken, so that you can have a different experience in your communications.

And finally, be grateful that you have the amazing ability to connect and communicate with others in so many ways. By meeting Bailey, I understood that some of us are not so fortunate and that many of the things we take for granted, like saying our name, are not possible for others.

During this holiday season, be thankful for your ability to let others know what you think, how you feel, and who you are. And don’t be afraid to really connect by allowing the beauty of your heart to speak out, whether it’s in words or silence.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Work Ethic and Success

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about work ethic and being successful.

A few months ago, we started tearing down our 102 year old garage to convert it into my new office space. This is a dream I’ve had for awhile, but after meeting with an architect and engineer, I soon realized that the realities of turning such an old, crumbing structure into something suitable for my current day professional needs, was far more extensive and expensive then I imagined.

After I received my first bid from a contractor for this project, I pretty much decided that it wasn’t worth doing. Discovering that the cost could be almost twice as much as what I had expected was enough to talk me out of it, not to mention all the permits, notifications to neighbors, licensing, etc. that would be needed to even start the project.

After talking with my reasonable and steadfast husband who reminded me that we would have to do something about the garage since it was in such a bad state, I continued down the path of getting more bids in hopes that someone out there could do the project within our budget.

On my third try, we found a contractor named Gerry who came much closer to our original budget. More importantly, he had a way about him that gave me confidence that a quality job could actually get done for a reasonable price within an agreeable time period.

So what made Gerry different than the others? As we sat in our living room with him in our first meeting, I realized that Gerry had a way of approaching everything in the project as ‘doable’. The other contractors emphasized parts of the project as being ‘very hard to do’ or something that would take exceptional effort on their part (which only translated into more dollar signs to me), in contrast to Gerry who would say, ‘This will be tricky, but it’s very doable’. He gave me the hope that we could get past the tough parts.

Secondly, Gerry assured us from the beginning that he would try to approach the project as if he was doing this to his own house. He would look at every cost and try to get the best price possible. I had heard this in varying forms from the other contractors, but for some reason, I didn’t quite believe them, particularly after I saw their total cost estimate. I knew from everything I observed about Gerry – his old wristwatch, the beat up truck he drives, his faded U of O sweatshirt – that he loves to get the best for the lowest price. His philosophy reminded me of my mother-in-law who’s always had an uncanny way of getting something for nothing, the result of having grown up with very little and turning it into quite a lot.

As we began the project, I quickly saw Gerry’s work ethic and commitment. Although he lives 30 minutes in good traffic from my house, he showed up early each morning, ready and raring to go. It was still summer when he started tearing down the old garage, so he used some of his high school aged kids to help. They had a great time doing the destruction. Gerry knew that my neighbor was quite concerned with the project since a wall of our garage is only one foot from the wall of her garage. Each day, Gerry found a way to chat with my neighbor to assure her that he was doing everything possible to guard against any damage to her structure. Throughout each stage of the project, he continued to give me detailed information about what he was doing and why. He continued to ask me what I would prefer and gave me pricing information to help me make decisions about lumber, windows, doors, etc.

Most importantly, he worked from early morning until late afternoon, with only 30 to 45 minutes for lunch in his truck, to get the work done. And, he’s done most of it himself. As I’ve watched him pick up large sheets of plywood, shovel out huge amounts of dirt and gravel, install skylights, and re-do decking, I’m amazed at his energy and drive. The work that has been sub-contracted out has been equally inspiring to watch. All of his sub-contractors love working with him and have been working with him for, in some cases, 25 years. The concrete guy commented to me, ‘Yup, Gerry is reliable. He sticks to a schedule and is always there to give us what we need to do the job. And, most importantly, he pays us on time!”

During the course of the project, we had a mini-monsoon. For 3 days, torrents of rain fell on Portland. At one point, I looked out at the project from an upstairs window and it looked like a swimming pool. Throughout all 3 days, Gerry continued to work steadily as the water poured off the rim of his hat. Instead of seeing it as insurmountable, he took it as an opportunity to create a much better way to divert water around the house and away from the garage and porch. By the third day, he jubilantly reported to me that the water was gushing out of the new pipe he had installed – a sure sign that he had fixed an age old problem that the house had had for more than a century. Seeing his smiling face in the rain as he pointed to the new pipe, I realized what joy this guy gets from doing the work, even in the worst conditions.

Taking all this into account, I’ve learned some great lessons from Gerry about work ethic. Here are the high points:

1) Nothing is impossible – if you have the attitude that whatever the problems are, there is always a solution, you won’t get overwhelmed or give up. It’s all in how you see the problem – what to some is insurmountable, to others is an opportunity. Anything is ‘doable’.

2) Run it like you own it – if you personalize what you’re doing, people will see the ownership you’re taking. Putting yourself in the customers shoes makes a huge difference in seeing what’s most important to them. If this was your house, your business, your deal, what would you want to experience?

3) Show up and stay engaged – there’s a lot to be said for just showing up each day with consistency and commitment. Keeping yourself physically, intellectually and emotionally engaged throughout the project is a key to your success. Your level of engagement impacts the entire project and you’ll find that it’s often mirrored by everyone else involved.

4) Work hard – there is no replacement for hard work. When someone is paying you to do a job, they watch you. They take note when you’re there and when you’re not. They notice when you put in the extra bit of effort to accomplish something. They feel your level of enthusiasm and determination.

5) Stay cool and have fun – in the midst of all the work, a cool head and sense of humor goes a long ways. Something always goes wrong, and the ability to not overreact and use logic and good problem solving skills to make your way out of it, is worth a great deal. Plus, having a good sense of humor throughout the project is an added bonus. At one point during the monsoon, I saw Gerry slip in some mud and as he picked himself up off the ground, covered in mud and muck, he commented, “Well, the wife will have no doubt that I was playing in the dirt again today.”

This week, take some of Gerry’s work ethic and habits to heart. This one man embodies so many of the qualities I see in someone who is successful in their work. Maybe you already approach your work in the same way he does. But see if there’s something I’ve listed here that you’re not doing. In my case, I realized that having that ‘can do’ attitude sometimes eludes me. If I get overly analytical about something, I tend to focus on everything that can go wrong, get overwhelmed, and don’t even start the thing I’ve wanted to do. It almost happened to me with this project and it was only with my husband’s steady encouragement and Gerry’s ‘everything is doable’ attitude, that got me started.

Whatever it is, take a lesson from Gerry this week to help you, not just do the work, but to do it with commitment, reliability, and determination. You’ll impact everyone else around you and have a better time doing it!

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Importance of Belonging

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about our need for friendship and belonging.

About a month ago, my 93-year-old mother-in-law became quite ill. After a long life of hard work and joyful activity, the matriarch of our family was now fading fast. As we stood by her bedside, saw her frail body and listened to her labored breathing, we struggled with the thoughts and emotions that inevitably come when you lose someone you love.

She had stopped eating. At each mealtime, we all tried to encourage her to take a few bites from the tray of food in front of her, but she would not. As her weight continued to drop, her face began to look more and more skeletal, and it seemed that with each passing day, the specter of death drew closer.

As this was happening, more and more people came to visit her. She lives in an apartment on the first floor of an assisted living center near the front entrance. At mealtimes, when the residents of the center make their way slowly with the aid of canes, walkers and scooters to the dining room, they have to pass my mother-in-law’s room and often stop in to see her on their way. When she became ill, the number of outside visitors who came to see my mother-in-law also increased. Everyone in the family stepped up their visits; we wanted to make sure someone was visiting her every day. And we engaged hospice and home nursing care for her as well.

At first, I wasn’t sure if all this traffic was good for her. What if someone had a cold — or worse? If she caught any type of virus at this point, it would be her end. What if she just needed peace and quiet? All this activity could take too much energy from her and not allow her to heal.

As the days wore on and we were all preparing for her demise, she began to get a little bit better. Slowly, she began eating again and gained back some of her strength. She went from napping most days to sitting up in bed chatting with visitors. We were all surprised by this change and wondered what precipitated it. In trying to get more information from her about the change in her behavior, we asked asked why she had stopped eating, her reply was, “I wasn’t hungry,” with her usual frankness. And now, apparently, her appetite was back.

Sitting with her one day at lunchtime, I watched as the steady stream of visitors came to see her on their way to lunch. It’s an entertaining bunch of old-timers. There is the 94-year-old ex-Marine who still wears his “Semper Fidelis” cap and tells WWII stories; the woman who wears purple and calls Mom “Sweetie,” which I don’t think Mom particularly likes but smiles when she says it anyway; the friendly woman who delivers stuffed animals to the very ill residents so that they always have a smiling stuffed rabbit or puppy propped up in the chair next to their bed for company; the couple who live just down the hall who are always holding hands; and the 98-year-old fellow who delivers my mother-in-law’s newspaper to her each day with a smile and sits by her bed to discuss the day’s headlines. I realized that all of these people who bring their love and friendship to her are keeping her alive. They help her feel like she belongs there with their loving kindness and attention. They give her a reason to continue to be a part of the community.

It’s so important for all of us to feel like we belong. Whether it’s to our family, group of friends or work team members, our sense of belonging is essential to our well-being. Our need for connection and contribution is part of our genetic makeup and without these things, we become more and more separate from humanity and ourselves.

This week, allow yourself to experience the joy of being connected to those you are closest to. Revel in the moments of love and affection you have with your family. Appreciate the time you spend with your teammates and what you discover about each other. Allow yourself to fully embrace the feelings of trust and commitment that come from working day in and day out with the same people. And remember how together you all make up a much bigger and better world.

As my mother-in-law started to feel better, she began to ask her caregivers to leave her front door open so that she could see the other residents walk past her door. Now, Mom’s door is open every day. As the other residents pass by, they wave and yell out, “Hi Jean, how ya doin’ today?” She always gives them a big smile and waves back with the comment, “Well, I’m still here!”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Horse Sense #3 -Give Them Some Rope

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge, “Give Them Some Rope,” is the third installment in my Horse Sense series. If you’ve been following my horse adventures, you know that I’ve leased a wonderful horse named Treasure for the summer. Over the past three months, Treasure has taught me many lessons, some of which I’ve tried to capture in my weekly writing.

Last week, Treasure taught me about allowing her to do it her way and not imposing my will on her. And that’s the theme of this week’s challenge, too.

This past Friday, I went out to Kozy Manor, the stables where Treasure lives, for my weekly horse lesson. I found her out in the pasture, happily enjoying her breakfast in the company of another mare. Convincing a horse that being haltered and put on a lead rope in such a pastoral setting where she’s been allowed to roam free and eat good grass, is no easy task. But this morning, Treasure only snorted at me a few times when I put the halter around her head.

I intended to work with her on a much longer lead line, so I walked her out to the open arena where we’d have plenty of room. I hooked her halter to a 24-foot rope rather than the usual 12-foot rope, knowing that this would give her lots of room to move, but it would be much more challenging for me to control her.

Treasure immediately tested the length of the rope, and I suddenly realized the power of this animal. She moved around a lot faster than usual, and the pull on the rope was much greater than I was accustomed to. As she pulled harder on the rope, so did I, and each time I yanked the rope back, she would stop and face me with a confused look on her face. Why was I giving her all this freedom only to try and stop her? It was a mixed message for sure.

As I worked with Treasure that morning, I saw the same phenomenon over and over again. I would instruct her to do something for me, give her lots of lead rope to do it, and then, when I was afraid that I was losing control, I would yank her back. Instead of teaching her how to do something, I was confusing her. There had to be a better way! My growing anxiety and frustration only increased my inability to work successfully with her.

We often do this exact thing with people who work for us. We ask them to do something and give them lots of freedom to do it. And then when we become afraid that something isn’t going quite right, we yank the rope back, so to speak, to get them under our control. Meanwhile, the mixed message this tactic sends creates resentment and confusion. Have you ever heard the phrase, “They’re jerking my chain”? That’s a phrase I often hear from my clients when their boss suddenly tries to take back a project or assignment after things aren’t going quite right.

At one point in my lesson with Treasure, she actually did what I asked her to do but she did it going in the wrong direction. I yanked hard on the rope, and my teacher asked me, “Why didn’t you recognize that she did what you asked her to?” And I said, “Because she didn’t do it the way I wanted her to.” My teacher laughed. “Really?” she said. “Did you want her to do it the way she’s learning to do it or the way you expected her to do it? And why are you so anxious about giving her lots of room to learn? If you keep yanking on that rope, she’ll never be able to work it out. You’ll just continue to frustrate both of you. Try holding the rope closer to where she is and when she pulls on it, let the rope slide through your hands for a foot or so and then slowly pull on it. This will let her know that she’s got room to learn and will encourage her to work it out. And don’t forget to let her know when she actually does what you’re asking her to do. It may not be exactly as you envisioned, but recognizing that she did what you asked is key to her learning.”

How many times do we ask others to do something for us, but because they don’t do it exactly the way we want them to, we forget to recognize what they’ve accomplished? So many times my clients have said to me, “Geez, what do they want? They asked me to take ownership for this project, and then they swooped back in and took over when I didn’t do it exactly the way they expected. It’s so frustrating! First they empower me, and then they micro-manage me!”

This week, take a look at how you manage others in this context. Are you giving them a mixed message by asking them to take over a project or an assignment and then taking it back when you see it’s not going as you expected? Are you appreciating the way others do things even if its different from the way you would do it? Is your fear of losing control motivating you to jump back in and take over?

Try doing what my teacher suggested ― give them more rope. It doesn’t mean you let the rope go. It means that when you feel the urge to yank the rope back, let some more of it go instead. Then if you still see that you need to pull on the rope, do it gently. Try giving someone the space they need to learn how to do something even if it takes them briefly in the wrong direction. There’s a lot to be learned by taking a detour off any given path. Going in the wrong direction first is often what helps us learn how to make our way back to where we need to be.

Recognizing how someone learns to do something is key to good management and mentorship. Perhaps the only way my horse could do what I asked her to do in that moment was to go in the opposite direction. I envisioned her going to the right, but she managed to do it going to the left. Because she didn’t go exactly as I thought she should, I missed the most important part ― that she did what I really wanted her to do. If I’d given her more rope, I might have seen that she gave me what I was asking for, even if it wasn’t exactly how I wanted her to do it. Most important, in those few feet of rope, I could learn that by releasing rather than yanking, we both stay involved in the learning.

As Benjamin Franklin wrote;

“Tell me, and I forget. Teach me, and I remember. Involve me, and I learn.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

P.S. The coach will be on vacation for a few days. The next challenge will be published on 9/29/13

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Losses and Gains

Good day, team.

I fully intended to send out a challenge this week about the subject of decision-making. However, my weekend was seriously disrupted by the theft of my car. It was parked in front of my house and someone stole it last night. When I went out this morning to drive it away, there was nothing but a big empty space.

This week’s challenge is about dealing with loss, which seems more appropriate given my recent experience. I’ll save the challenge about decision- making for another time.

When I saw that my car was gone, I immediately wondered if I’d actually parked it in front of the house. I thought back to last evening and realized that before I went to bed, I’d looked out the window and seen it parked there. Fear began to course through me. I was asleep while they stole my property, defenseless in my naïve slumber. I felt the intrusion – someone had invaded my personal space.

I began to think, “What had I left in the car?” Nothing that couldn’t be replaced, but it made me angry to think that they’d gotten my horse supplies, my favorite lap blanket, the new panama hat my husband just gave me for our anniversary, and the $10.00 in quarters I stashed in the special change compartment. How many CD’s were in the glove box? What else had I left in the car? It was disturbing to think about some thief rifling through my auto paperwork, reading my registration and the receipt for last winter’s snow tires, or using my lip-gloss. That all seemed much too personal to share with someone who didn’t give a hoot about me and wasn’t afraid to steal my car.

I thought about who would do such a thing? I imagined nasty looking guys who were part of a car theft ring, targeting my car on the street, and towing it away without any regard to the damage they would inflict upon it. Why did they have to steal my car? Why do they have to steal anything at all? What kind of life does someone have that they have to steal someone’s car? I realized that this kind of thinking wasn’t going to help and maybe I could think about this loss differently.

I have seen many times that with loss there is also a gain. This is often hard to see when the sting of the loss is happening. But, over time, the gain becomes more apparent.

After the initial shock of losing my car started to wear off, I realized that cars belong to the category of stuff. Losing stuff is minor compared to losing animals and people. It’s inconvenient and irritating to have to deal with insurance adjusters and police and the lack of transportation for a few days, but it’s a minor pain compared to the tragedy of losing a loved one.

I began to think of what I might gain from this loss. Losing stuff makes room for something new to come in. When I looked at my calendar for this coming week, I realized that I could walk or take public transportation to anywhere I needed to be. I could ride my bike like many of my close friends in Portland do. The weather is perfect for walking and bike riding and both would be good exercise.

Maybe I would need to get another car. Although I enjoyed having an SUV for the first time, I always felt this car was too expensive and I didn’t need that much room. Frankly, a very good salesman talked me into purchasing the car and I always felt like I paid way too much for it. Perhaps this would give me an opportunity to make a better deal and get something that’s in a better price range.

Mostly, I realized that in the world of loss, this is a minor mishap. When my good friend lost her dog recently, I thought of how hard that loss can be. He was her close companion for many years and she had basked in his unconditional love. Living without that love is a loss that is hard to endure. And yet, my friend is so grateful for the time she had with him. That gratitude has taken some of the sting out of the pain of her loss and left her with wonderful memories of her faithful companion. I wonder what the gains will be from her loss. Perhaps she’ll have more freedom to go places without having to worry about who will take care of her dog. Maybe, sometime in the future, there will be another dog that will come into her life.

Today, I remembered the story of the Buddhist monk who saw the gain in his loss. He was in town helping to feed the poor when his little hut on the hill caught fire. As much as the townspeople rushed to try to put the fire out, the hut burned to the ground. As the monk approached the smoldering embers and piles of ash that had been his home, the townspeople moaned over his loss. “We are so sorry,” they exclaimed, “we tried to put the fire out but the wind was too strong.” The monk looked upon his neighbors with affection and gratitude. Then, he looked up at the evening sky. “Well,” he observed, “now I have a much better view of the moon.”

This week, if you lose something, try finding the gain. Sometimes just knowing that there is almost always a gain makes dealing with the pain of the loss a little bit easier to bear.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Words from Thoreau – Take Time Off

Good day, team.

This time last year, I wrote a challenge about summer vacation. When I re-read it this morning, it seemed so appropriate for this week that I’ve decided to re-publish it.
I hope you enjoy it.

These are the final weeks of August. Summer is rounding the bend into autumn, and again the seasons will change. With that change, summer vacation comes to an end. As an adult, I’ve always kind of resented having to work in summer. Those three months off from school at the peak of summer were such a highlight each year. Some childlike part of me still thinks my summers should be spent having nothing better to do than to go out and play. Whether swimming at the local pool with friends, going to camp, visiting relatives at the beach or just hanging out, my childhood summers were always a time to do whatever presented itself each day. What a sense of freedom I felt as I bounded out the door into the morning sunshine, ready to embrace whatever adventures I would encounter on another beautiful summer day!

When I started working full time after college, I realized that part of being a grown up is giving up the freedom of childhood summers. I was so disappointed to discover that I had only two weeks of paid vacation from my job each year. How could I possibly pack all the summer fun into a measly two weeks? On the other hand, who could pay for more time off? I realized I’d taken for granted the fact that my parents had paid for my summer activities. I’d also taken for granted the freedom of those three months of time off each year.

This morning, I thought about all the things I needed to do today — clean the house, shop for dinner, prepare for an upcoming business trip, finish the wash and so on. On most days, I have a to-do list of tasks that fills my time. I thought to myself, “What if I just don’t do any of those things today? What if I go out and play instead? What if I just take a mini-vacation?”

This reminds me of an excerpt from “Walden,” the wonderful book written by Henry David Thoreau. I’ve shared these paragraphs before, but this morning, it seems particularly relevant considering my desire to take time off:

“There were times when I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether of the head or hands. I love a broad margin to my life. Sometimes, in a summer morning, having taken my accustomed bath, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a revelry, amidst the pines and hickories and sumacs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness, while the birds sang around or flitted noiseless through the house, until by the sun falling in at my west window, or the noise of some traveler’s wagon on the distant highway, I was reminded of the lapse of time.

“I grew in those seasons like corn in the night, and they were far better than any work of the hands would have been. They were not time subtracted from my life, but so much over and above my usual allowance. I realized what the Orientals mean by contemplation and the forsaking of works. For the most part, I minded not how the hours went. The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo, now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. Instead of singing like the birds, I silently smiled at my incessant good fortune. As the sparrow had its trill, sitting on the hickory before my door, so had I my chuckle or suppressed warble which he might hear out of my nest.”

This week, find time to give yourself a mini-vacation. As the long days of sunlight still exist, give yourself permission to go out and play, or as Thoreau did, sit in your doorway in silence and stillness, just being with the moment and whatever it brings.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Horse Sense #2 – Getting The Message Across

Good day team,

This week’s challenge is entitled “Getting the Message Across”, the second entry in my horse sense series. It illustrates the importance of having a strong intention about what you want to have happen and then a very clear message to go along with it.

I arrived at my horse lesson last week determined to have a frank conversation with my teacher about how to get my horse to keep a safe distance from me. The last time I’d worked out with Treasure, my horse, she acted like a disobedient adolescent. As much as I tried, she wouldn’t do anything I asked her to do. She snorted and scraped the ground with her foot. She went the opposite direction of where I was trying to lead her, and wouldn’t look me in the eye or even in my direction. She seemed completely distracted by everything else around us – the owl in the rafters of the arena, the other horses in the stables, and any person that walked by. But, what was most irritating was that I couldn’t get her out of my space.

I tried everything to get her to back away. I jiggled the rope. I tapped her with my stick. I waved my hands up in the air. I even resorted to doing jumping jacks to get her to back up. She’d back away a bit, only to come right back. I finally reached the end of my patience when in trying to get her out of the round pen, she came right up upon me and attempted to shut the gate as I opened it. “YOU NEED TO BACK-UP”, I yelled at her. She looked at me and yawned.

I went away from that day very discouraged. As my lesson began, I explained to Debby, my teacher, what was happening. She asked me a few questions about what had I done to send the message to Treasure that I needed her out of my personal space. As I began to explain, Debby was suddenly right on me. Her body was right up against mine and her face was no more than a ½ inch from mine. “What are you going to do about this, she exclaimed, do you want me in your space, do you want me here, what are you going to do about it?” I squirmed, I struggled to push her back. “I weigh 1100 pounds,” she said, “you can’t move me… I’m not going anywhere. What are you going to do about it?” I tried to grab my stick to put it up between the two of us. I wanted to run away but the wall of the barn was right behind me. “MOVE BACK”, I yelled, but still, she stayed right where she was. I finally acquiesced. “I don’t know what to do”, I said meekly.

Debby backed up. “OK,” she said. “This is going to look ugly to you but if you want to get a message across to your horse, you need to mean it. If you give the lead rope a little wiggle and she doesn’t back up, you have to continue to strengthen the movement of that rope until she does. Give it a huge yank if you have to. You need to have a strong intention about what you want from her so your energy is also saying, ‘Hey, you’re in my space and that’s not ok, move back.’ It’s not angry or mean, it’s effective.”

As I worked with Treasure that day, I found that if I had a strong intention for her to move and made one swift circle with the rope, she backed right up. As soon as she did, I stopped to give her an opportunity to understand what I wanted. Pretty soon, all I had to do was give the rope a wiggle with some intention and she was backing up.

Here’s the lesson I learned. If you say it and don’t really mean it, the message doesn’t come across the way you need it to. Your intention must be strong and the message needs to be delivered without hesitation. If you doubt what your saying, that doubt comes across in your message. Horses, like people, need to know who the leader is. They actually enjoy being led and getting clear direction.

I saw an example of this in my work recently with a client. She needed to deliver a tough message to one of her staff. Her team member had dropped the ball on a big project and her disengagement was putting the whole project team in jeopardy of meeting its initial targets. To make matters worse, the manager and team member were also friends. It’s hard to wear multiple hats, e.g. one as the boss and one as friend, when you’re trying to manage someone.

The manager had already had one conversation with her team member where she told her, “Look, I’m not sure what’s happening here. But you’re responsible for making sure this project gets done on time. You seem to be disengaging. What’s the problem?” Her team member explained that she was having problems at home and it was affecting her work. The manager immediately put on her ‘friend’ hat and the rest of the conversation was about ways to resolve the home situation.

Now, the manager needed to have another conversation because the first meeting with her team member didn’t change anything. This time, she needed to get a strong message across that dealt specifically with her team member’s lack of focus on the project. Here’s how it went:

“I know you’re having problems at home, but I really need you to re-engage here. We have some definite delivery dates that can’t change and you’re in charge.” Her team member agreed that yes, she needed to take charge of this and the meeting was over.

After a few weeks, I asked my client how it was going with her team member. She replied that things were a little better, but she still wasn’t seeing what she needed. I asked her if she thought her messages about the project were clear enough to her team member. She replied that she was trying to get a clear message across but was also being sensitive to her team members personal situation. What I saw here was that the managers intention was two-fold. One, she wanted her team member to re-engage and work on the project. Two, she wanted to be sensitive to her team members personal situation. Thus, her team member was getting two messages.

In this example, you can clearly see that there were multiple factors weighing on the manager that were impacting her messages to her team member. I’m not advocating that managers not take into account the factors that effect their employees but, if you start off a meeting by giving one message, “I know you’re having problems at home” and then state the real message, “I really need you to re-engage here”, then it sounds like your priority is the first message rather than the second. This immediately takes away the power of the most important message.

This week, ask yourself if you’re getting the message across to your team members. Are you being direct and clear? Do you find yourself starting off a tough conversation by filling in with unimportant information just to ease the tension? Are you trying to get too many messages across at one time that are confusing? Maybe you’re trying to lead the person into giving you the right message by asking them questions, when in fact, you already know the answer? The real question is, what’s your intention? If you need something to change quickly, is that sense of urgency clearly in your message? Perhaps you need to have a more exploratory conversation with someone. How do you state that intention? Or maybe you simply need to give someone directions. How does that message sound and look?

This past week, I learned about the importance of giving my horse a clear message. If I need her to move away from me, then I have to let her know that without confusion or hesitation. If my intention about what I want is strong and my message is clear, I’m going to have much more success in getting my message across. I’m going to try doing more of this in my day-to-day interactions with people, too. Your challenge this week is to do the same.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.