Category: Executive Leadership

How To Deal With Bullies

Good day, team.

The coach’s challenge this week is about dealing with bullies in the workplace. Prompted by a request from a client to write about this subject, I am re-publishing the challenge dated 7/23/2006. It is a applicable today as it was then.

First, let’s define what constitutes bullying behavior at work. Here’s the definition of “workplace bullying” from Wikipedia:

Workplace bullying, just like childhood bullying, is the tendency of individuals or groups to use aggressive or unreasonable behavior to achieve their ends. When perpetrated by a group, it is often called “mobbing.” Unlike the more physical form of schoolyard bullying, workplace bullies often operate within the established rules and policies of their organization and their society. For instance, a workplace bully might use the office’s “rumor mill” to circulate a lie about a co-worker. An employee who dislikes a co-worker for personal reasons may incessantly criticize everything that co-worker does. Such actions are not necessarily illegal and may not even be against the firm’s regulations. However, the damage they cause, both to the targeted employee and to workplace morale, is obvious.

According to the *Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute (WBTI), workplace bullying is “the repeated mistreatment of one employee targeted by one or more employees with a malicious mix of humiliation, intimidation and sabotage of performance.”

“Statistics show that bullying is three times as prevalent as illegal discrimination and at least 1,600 times as prevalent as workplace violence. Statistics also show that while only one employee in every 10,000 becomes a victim of workplace violence, one in six experiences bullying at work. Bullying is also far more common than sexual harassment and verbal abuse.”

Following is a list of common tactics of workplace bullies listed by the WBTI:

“Constant criticism. Bullies attempt to undermine the target’s self-confidence. By exaggerating the target’s mistakes, bullies intend to make the target look incompetent in the eyes of co-workers, make their own work look better by comparison or divert attention from their own mistakes. Often, bullies will expand their criticism to the target’s private and social life. Since criticism can become habitual, the target will be criticized by the bully no matter how well the target performs.

Isolation. This tactic used by bullies is intended to separate the target from the workplace’s social circles and information networks. Cut off from all social and business interaction, the target is more vulnerable to threats and verbal assaults. Bullies then take a “divide and conquer” approach.

Monopolizing. Bullies try to work their way into a position in which they are the only source of certain supplies or information. The target is thus given a choice between submitting to the bully or doing without necessary facts and supplies. In this scenario, a target gets what he or she needs only if the bullies get what they want.

Gossip. Gossiping is perhaps the most common tactic of workplace bullying. Simply put, bullies start a rumor about the target. As the rumor moves through the workplace, the target becomes the object of suspicion. Since bullies often control the target’s contact with co-workers, the target has no way of knowing what’s being said behind his or her back. Co-workers who have little contact with or were hired after the target may make judgments based on a bully’s gossip rather than by the target’s performance. By spreading rumors about the target, bullies are turning co-workers against that person. This is a form of mobbing.

False documentation. Also known as “ghost gripe,” many bullies find this to be an effective tool. Bullies claim that complaints have been filed about the target’s behavior or performance. Next, they will either fabricate an incident or misdocument a real event to place the blame on the target. The bullies then will refuse to identify the complainants, citing the company’s confidentiality policy and saying that they want to prevent retaliation. In reality, the bullies are preventing the target from investigating the complaint and disproving the allegations. The bullies use the company’s policies to achieve control over their co-workers. Countless targets have been disciplined and even fired over ghost gripes. False documentation is most common in companies that do not have at-will hiring and firing policies, since the manager must give a valid reason for firing employees he personally dislikes.

Stealing the credit. Bullies commonly use this tactic. Bullies place themselves in a position to claim credit for a target’s efforts and ideas. The target is unable to document his or her efforts, so the bullies get the rewards and the target is stuck with all of the work.

Verbal abuse. Bullies often use language to attack the target personally. Verbal abuse includes—but is by no means limited to—profanity, shouting and racial or ethnic slurs. It can consist of giving the target a disrespectful nickname or subjecting him or her to a constant stream of insults.

Passive aggression. Lazy bullies can be passive aggressive. By leaving certain jobs undone or incomplete, they force the target to do their work for them. Also, if they discover behaviors that irritate the target, they will be certain to repeat those behaviors until the target loses his or her temper, thus giving the target an undeserved reputation for violent behavior. Procrastination is a common form of passive aggression.

Sexual harassment. Bullies also commonly use this tactic.

Violence. As a last resort, bullies may turn to violence. Unlike schoolyard bullying, surprisingly little workplace bullying involves physical violence. Since violence is illegal, such behavior will usually cost the bully his job and perhaps his freedom. While violence makes headlines, most other acts of workplace bullying aren’t considered newsworthy. Thus, the public is frightened by stories of violence in the workplace while the causes of the violence are ignored.

Note that bullies seldom rely on just one tactic. Most have learned to combine several different tactics in an organized assault on the target. For instance, many bullies will effectively combine isolation and gossip.

Here are some common mistakes made by management:

Appeasement. Managers commonly try to appease the bullies they are dealing with. This approach assumes that the bullies’ aggressive behavior will cease when they are given what they desire. History has proven this approach to be counterproductive. People who use aggression to satisfy their desires have no logical reason to stop being aggressive. They may calm down for a while when given what they want, but they will resume and possibly escalate their aggressive behavior when they want something else.

Blaming both parties. When a manager blames both parties involved, the manager punishes the bullies for aggression but also punishes the target for failing to get along with the bully. The manager ignores the possibility that the bullies are purely to blame.

Blaming the target. This mistake is even more serious. Instead of acting against the bullies, the manager may simply order the target to stop complaining. If the target continues to complain about the bullies’ behavior, the manager will discipline the target and may even come to the bullies’ defense. Thus the target is made to suffer twice, once at the hands of the bullies and once at the hands of management.

Ignoring the issue. Sometimes management is deluded into believing that problems will vanish if the bullies’ behavior is ignored. Thus the bullies go unpunished. Bullies who go unpunished have no logical reason to relent. Their aggressive behavior will continue and may even escalate to physical violence. This approach involves wishful thinking on the part of the manager.

Emphasizing teamwork and ignoring individual effort. This mistake plays into the bullies’ hands. Often, the target is a creative, productive individual whose ideas work. In today’s workplace, the emphasis is on team effort. Management tends to dislike subordinates who think for themselves, regardless of how good their ideas are. This makes it easy for bullies to accuse the target of “not being a team player.” ”

Your challenge this week is to ask yourself if you can identify any type of bullying behavior within your environment and if you’re willing to deal with it. More important, ask yourself if you manage others by bullying them or if you’re making some of the common mistakes management makes in dealing with workplace bullies.

Each of us has a responsibility to create an atmosphere in the workplace that is free of hostility. We do this by adhering to the human resource policies that are already in place in our companies or, if they don’t exist, by creating good, sound policies that are very clear about which behaviors are acceptable in our work environment and which are not. As managers, we need to work together to ensure that the workplace is safe, not just physically, but also emotionally.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

For more information about workplace bullying, please go to http://www.workplacebullying.org/

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Facing Your Fears

Good day, team.

Today is Mother’s Day, and in honor of the day, I want to share a wonderful piece of writing that my stepdaughter Sari, shared on Facebook recently. It was written by her friend Angela Schuler. Sometimes the very thing we fear most happens and changes everything. I am grateful to Angela for her heartfelt and honest message and to Sari, my stepdaughter for sharing it.

“Before I had my children, I never wanted children. I also was frightened by other people’s children. I knew they were smarter than me and would see right through my insecurities and blurt them all out to everyone in their precious, honest-to-a-fault little voice! Man, I’m glad my life isn’t up to me! I started to transform into the person I should have always been once Linc came along—not while I was pregnant with him (I was still petrified) but the second he was born. I could feel it happening. People who had been around me before and after commented on it, and all I could say was, “I love being a mom.” It wasn’t what I wanted, but it turns out it was what I wanted. The movie “Waitress” with Keri Russell shows my transformation in movie form. Just take out the affair, the deadbeat husband and the pie-making skills.

These three amazing people that live in my house and depend on me, I have no doubt, they are my angels. Happy Mother’s Day. “

This week, think about how your fears hold you back from experiences you might actually want. Try stepping out of your comfort zone for 20 seconds to do something completely different, out of character or frightening. Maybe say something to a work associate you’ve always wanted to say but have been too afraid. How about standing up and speaking out in a group, when normally you would sit quietly? Perhaps call a relative and have that conversation you’ve always avoided. Or maybe find a way to approach a homeless person on the street, look them sincerely in the eye and ask if you can help them.

Whatever the scary thing is, see what happens when you jump into it rather than avoid it. You may discover, like Angela did, that it wasn’t what you wanted, but it turns out it was what you wanted.

Life offers us gifts in so many ways, and we often get in the way of receiving them. In Angela’s case, she was moved out of the way of her fears, and it brought her three children and more joy and happiness than she could have ever imagined.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

How To Be a Better Influencer

Good day team,

This past week, I was working with a management team focusing on their individual strengths and teaching them how these strengths fit into the four domains of leadership – executing, influencing, building relationships and strategic thinking. These are the skills that leaders and managers need to effectively do their jobs and are the subject of this week’s challenge.

This material comes from a book entitled “Strengths-based Leadership” by Tom Rath and Barry Conchie. After many years of polling for-profit and not-for-profit organizations, the Gallup organization determined that the four domains of leadership are where successful leaders and managers spend their time. The book includes the StrengthsFinder assessment – a brief test used to identify an individual’s five top strengths and map them into the leadership domains. For example, if you have “achiever” as a strength, i.e. you like to get stuff done – then that strength is likely to show up in your top five and is an executing strength.

Finding your top five strengths is the first step. Taken further, discovering where your strengths line up in the four domains gives you an excellent way of determining how you like to lead others. It also gives your people a great way to understand your strengths and knowledge of how you apply them in the workplace.

Over the past 30 years, I have found that the American workforce has moved steadily away from an authoritarian style of management (command and control), to a much more influential style of management (inspire and support). Most organizations used to be run by a bossy boss – almost always a man. Bossy bosses have autocratic, very direct styles that offer their reports very little support. Nowadays, it is common to find leaders of both sexes using a coaching style of leadership, one with emphasis on directing and supporting their people. Among the best leaders, you will also find a strong dose of inspiration that energizes and engages team members.

Here’s an article about the importance of influencing others in a work environment which I think best describes this shift in management style. It’s author is Beth Armknecht Miller, Founder and President of Executive Velocity, an Atlanta based leadership advisory firm.

“Webster’s Dictionary defines a “leader, as a person who has commanding authority or influence”. I would argue that in the 21st century it’s all about influence, not authority. If a leader only has authority and is unable to influence others, then his or her leadership will be short lived. And, with the shortage of talent, leaders need to create sustainability in an organization.

“Think about those leaders and individual contributors in your organization, whether for profit or not for profit, who may not have the title of VP, Director, or Manager yet they have followers because of their influence with others. These are the people who others listen to and respect but don’t have the title providing them with the authority to lead. They are able to use specific behaviors that align with the situation that will get others to change behaviors, opinions, attitudes, goals, needs and values.

“What are critical methods to leadership influence?

“It is important to understand that influence much like leadership, is dependent on the situation that requires influence. It may be that you are trying to influence someone higher in the organization, a peer, or a direct report. All of these are different situations in themselves. Other types of situations where influence may be needed include:

Change to project plans

Support of proposals by upper management

Agree to new assignments and tasks

Provide necessary information in a timely fashion

Stop ineffective or negative behaviors

“The Power Use Model outlined by Anita Hall, Extension Educator and Leverne Barrett, Extension Leadership Specialist of the University of Nebraska – Lincoln Extension, depicts someone’s choice of influence tactics in terms of the ‘softness’ versus ‘hardness’ of the tactic. The spectrum relates to the freedom the tactic leaves the person being influenced to decide either to yield or to resist the influence attempts.

“Hard tactics give individuals less freedom than soft tactics. They are perceived as more forceful and push the person to comply versus support. Hard tactics include “exchange”, “legitimating”, “pressure”, “assertiveness”, “upward appeal”, and “coalitions”. Soft tactics are considered thoughtful and constructive and pull the person to make the necessary change. Soft tactics include “personal appeal”, “consultation”, “inspirational appeal”, “ingratiation”, and “rational persuasion”. It is important to note that soft tactics tend to provide more lasting change because they create an emotion of support versus compliance by the person being influenced.

“And, there are certain methods when used to influence that are generally unsuccessful. These tactics are often associated with a leader who has the authority but lacks influence. Autocratic leaders will often make demands, threats or intimidation, which will generate short-term change but no support.

“When would this tactic be useful? In an emergency, demands are often necessary. A leader needs to have people move quickly when the office is on fire or the plant has been exposed to dangerous chemicals.

“Yet, for the most part, when soft tactics are used more than hard tactics, such as demands and threats, a leader can build influence capital. From my experience with leaders, those who are highly influential use these two tactics more than others:

Inspirational appeal – a request or proposal that arouses emotions and enthusiasm by appealing to others values and ideals, or by increasing their confidence in being successful.

Consultation – includes others’ in making a decision or planning how to implement a change that impacts them.

“So what if you’re a leader with authority, you’ve got the title, how do you know whether or not you have influence with the people you are leading? My suggestion to leaders is to start taking an audit of the methods they use to influence. How much time are they using the consultation and inspirational appeal methods to influence others? And if the percent is low, how are you going to increase your soft tactic influence?”

This week, consider the effectiveness of your management style. Are you using more hard tactics rather than soft. i.e. directing or supporting? Perhaps, you become impatient easily when others aren’t working fast enough and you become pushy, bossy or autocratic. Maybe your soft tactics have become too supportive and not direct enough and your people are confused about what you really want from them.

Try achieving balance when it comes to being direct and supportive. People need instruction but they also need emotional support to help them stay committed. You may be getting stuff done but your autocratic management style might be breeding resentment and disrespect within your organization. Try using some influencing techniques instead. You may find it works more effectively by attracting and inspiring your team members to the task at hand.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Power of Acknowledging The Efforts of Others

Good day, team.

This past week, I’ve been hosting my coaching associate Kate Dwyer. She’s my backup when I need to rely on another coach to work with me on projects for clients. We’ve had the fortunate experience of being able to work together from time to time over the past 12 years. This week’s challenge is one that Kate wrote back in 2004 for me to post. It’s about the importance of acknowledging the efforts of others.

“This week’s challenge is to celebrate what you want to see more of. Throughout the work week, we often witness each other making an effort that goes above and beyond the usual standard of a job description. It may be a small gesture, which is over in a heartbeat, or it may be one of those bigger, more heroic gestures that makes a person’s day much more challenging. Regardless of the size of the effort, we see someone take an extra step on behalf of the whole. Part of great leadership is noticing and acknowledging.

“We have lots of good reasons why we often don’t reward others with acknowledgement. Perhaps we have a meeting to go to, or we don’t want a compliment to go to someone’s head. Maybe we’re concerned he or she won’t like being the center of attention, or we think the person is too busy right now. The bottom line is we miss an opportunity to celebrate great work.

“This week, aim for giving more mini-doses of positive feedback right when you notice things, in the moment. Weekly one-on-ones, annual reviews, scorecards or periodic evaluations are all valuable formats for giving organized feedback, but they’re not going to put the spring in our step that makes a work day fly by and feel fulfilling. What gives us that extra boost is knowing that the people we work with pay attention to what we do well. Acknowledging great work, however small, inspires ownership, quality and endurance.”

It’s difficult to express how much I appreciate and trust Kate’s integrity and abilities as a coach. But since this challenge is about acknowledging the extraordinary efforts of others, let this be my thanks to her for all her excellent coaching and support of me over the years.

“Correction does much, but encouragement does more.” — Johann Goeth

“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” — Thomas J. Peter

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about the importance of disagreeing without being disagreeable in the workplace.

Last week, I acted as a mediator between two colleagues at a client company. Their disagreements had become so polarizing that the project they were working on together had come to a standstill. I don’t claim to be a professional mediator, but sometimes when coaching people, I find myself acting as an objective go-between to help people move forward when they get stuck in their opposite points of view.

Extreme extroverted and introverted behaviors lead to many conflicts. Extroverts rant and rave to dominate and drive others or scare them into submission. Introverts will not respond and often dominate the room with their inaction — what we refer to as “passive aggressive” behavior. Neither of these behaviors is helpful, and you can see how these polar extremes have no middle ground. They not only stop progress, but they can have a strong negative impact on other team members.

We often see behaviors that aren’t quite this extreme but fall into one camp or the other. It can be really frustrating to be part of a team with individuals who like to square off by either dominating or avoiding a conversation.

“The key to handling a conflict lies in how you approach it, not in the conflict itself.” This sage advice comes from “Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable,” an article written by professional trainers Anne Baber and Lynne Waymon. In their piece, they outline examples of how you might disagree with a teammate’s behavior and offer good ways to communicate about it.

Here are some great suggestions for how to deal with disagreements successfully, paraphrased from Baber and Waymon’s article.

Let’s say you notice that many of your colleagues check their e-mail or text messages on their phones during your weekly staff meetings. This activity is disturbing when you’re trying to pay attention to whoever is leading the meeting, and you think it’s disrespectful. If the meeting leader says up front that it’s fine for people to check email, then that’s one thing. But generally meetings are called so that everyone can pay attention and offer input, and that’s hard to do when you’re multitasking.

How would you approach your team members about this? First, you could describe to your fellow team members in a nonjudgmental way that you notice they read e-mails during staff meetings. Second, you could describe the impact you see the behavior has on the rest of the team that is trying to pay attention. “I know that your experience with this project will help us avoid a lot of problems down the road. But I notice that we come to conclusions without your input because you’re often checking e-mail instead. We ask for your input, but because you’re not hearing what we’re saying, we have to repeat ourselves or start over to bring you up to date. Perhaps we should start our meetings later in the day so that you can take care of e-mail before we meet. I bet we could finish our meetings in half the time if everyone was really paying attention and actively participating.”

The four steps taken in the above scenario are as follows:

Describe what happened in a nonjudgmental voice.

Explain the impact of the behavior on you, a customer, team members or anyone else associated with the team.

Specify what you want in observable, measurable terms.

Explain the results that could come from the solution.

The next example is one that many of us have experienced. You work with someone who takes too many personal calls at work. This situation is difficult because many of us live complicated lives, and calls from family members, babysitters, nannies, teachers, contractors and such are hard to control — and we usually feel the need to answer them immediately. However, if your company has policies that restrict the amount of time taken away from work to deal with personal business, this phenomenon needs to be managed.

If you believe a colleague is taking a lot of personal calls, first observe the person to confirm that this is true. Then find a good time and place to approach him or her about it. Interrupting someone in the middle of the workday by walking up and saying, “I notice that you’re making too many personal calls,” won’t work. All you end up with is an angry, flustered co-worker who feels embarrassed and who most likely will become defensive immediately. Instead, ask if you can talk with the person later in a neutral space, such as the lunchroom or a conference room. During your meeting, let your colleague know that you think he or she is being frequently interrupted by phone calls or texting. Express that you’re worried about the impact this is having on his or her work and ask if it’s possible to keep personal phone calls or messages restricted to two or three a day. Remind your colleague that most of his or her teammates adhere to this standard and ask if he or she thinks it’s possible to keep personal calls to this number. Let your colleague know that emergencies are an exception.

None of us are born knowing how to deal with conflict. It’s something we have to learn. Baber and Waymon offer the following suggestions for communicating more successfully when dealing with conflict and disagreements:

Choose a good time and place for your conversation. Knowing that the message you’re delivering will probably not be easy to receive, pick a neutral place to meet with your teammate.

Say what you want. You’ll be far more successful saying what you want the person to do rather than focusing on what you don’t want. For example, “I notice that you take a lot of personal phone calls at work. It would be helpful if you could be mindful of how many calls you take so you’re not interrupted so often,” instead of “Don’t take personal calls at work.”

Use a firm but friendly tone of voice. Maintain a professional atmosphere and stay calm. This will invoke a similar state of mind and emotional tenor with your teammate.

Listen first. Don’t be surprised if your teammate is immediately defensive. Listen and ask more questions rather than making definitive statements.

Lighten up. Most problems and disagreements aren’t so serious if you can really laugh about them. Most behaviors we observe in the workplace are ones we’ve done ourselves, so take a lighter tone with someone you’re asking to change. He or she will get the message — you don’t have to shout or demand it.

This week, trying dealing with disagreements by not being disagreeable. We all have behaviors that are irritating to others at work. Learning constructive ways of dealing with them is one of the keys to success.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

How Feedback and Feedforward Change Your Professional Impact

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about the usefulness of feedback and how we can use other people’s observations of our behavior to help us in our professional development.

Think about the last time you made a presentation in front of other people. How well did you do? How many times did you say “um” or “like” (sentence fillers that when repeated too frequently can send the wrong message to the audience)? Did you just stand there like an inanimate object? How did your voice sound? Was it high and squeaky or so low and quiet that others couldn’t hear you? What about your content? Did you rely on PowerPoint to do the presentation for you? And were your slides so detailed that your audience was completely bored after the first one?

We all know what a shock it is to hear our voice played back to us from a recorder. It’s even worse to see ourselves on film or video. Is that what I really look like to others?

Most of us are under the impression that we’re so nervous when presenting in front of others that we act differently from how we do in our day-to-day interactions. But studies show that when we’re “acting” in front of others, our actions and behaviors are very similar to how they are when we’re communicating normally with others. It’s hard for us to see, but we rely on certain patterns of communication. We use them everyday, and many have become habitual.

Long ago, I realized that many of my behaviors were invisible to me. I would communicate something to a colleague in a meeting and think I knew what I’d said. But later I would be surprised to find out that what I thought I said and what he or she heard were different. I recall one such meeting when I was talking with one of my direct reports. As I was talking, she began to give me a funny look. Her brow began to furrow, and she looked nervous. I remember thinking, “I’m just giving her information, why is she looking so nervous all of a sudden?” When our meeting was over, she left the room quickly, obviously wanting get out of there. Later in the day, I called her and asked if she’d come back to my office. She looked worried when she came to my doorway. After she sat down, I asked her what I might have said that made her so nervous in our earlier meeting. She was hesitant to answer me. I explained that I thought I had just given her some information regarding a process. There didn’t seem to be anything I said that should have been disturbing to her.

She finally said, “It’s not what you said but the way you said it. You seemed to be so irritated with me. I could tell by the tone of your voice that I’d done something wrong, but you never told me what it was. You just kept going on and on about the process, and yet, based on your facial expression and your tone of voice, I knew you were unhappy with me. It made me nervous that you weren’t telling me what was wrong with me directly. I didn’t understand why you were hiding how you really felt.”

I was shocked. Her impression of my behavior was not what I had intended at all. The truth was that right before our meeting, I had been driving to the office and had gotten stuck in traffic. I wanted to stop for a cappuccino before getting to the office, and because of the traffic, I was unable to do that. By the time I arrived at the office, I was irritated and missing my morning coffee treat. As I poured a cup of bad office coffee, I remember thinking, “I hope this isn’t an indication of the rest of my day — traffic delays and bad coffee, ugh!”

Five minutes later, I was in my meeting with her. I was irritated, and I’m sure my facial expressions and tone of voice reflected that. I was behaving like a five-year-old who hadn’t gotten the treat she wanted. What surprised me later was to realize that my team member saw all of this as her fault, and my behavior had communicated something totally different than what I had intended.

Our inability to see the impressions we make creates a great deal of miscommunication between people. We think we’re acting in a certain way, but if we could actually see ourselves communicating, we might see that what’s coming across to the listener is a completely different message.

Once I knew why my team member was so uncomfortable with my communication, I had an opportunity to tell her why I was irritated. I mentioned the traffic and the cappuccino, and she immediately smiled and said, “Oh, I’m so relieved. I thought I’d done something wrong and couldn’t figure out why you weren’t being honest with me. And,” she exclaimed, “I know exactly how you feel when you don’t have the right coffee in the morning. I’m a complete bear if I can’t have my latte before I get here.”

The usefulness of feedback from others in a business context cannot be overstated. Without the observations of others, we really have no idea how we’re coming across. We can’t observe our own behaviors like others can. With honest feedback from others, as hard as it can be to hear, we can begin to see how we impact the people around us. We can see why we’re often misunderstood and why others react to us in the way they do

But (and this is a BIG BUT) none of us enjoy getting feedback. No matter how it’s framed, we don’t react well to constructive criticism. Even when someone tries to break it to us gently by saying something like, “I’d like to share some constructive feedback with you. Is now a good time?” The normal human reaction is, “NO! It’s never a good time.”

In my recent coaching training, I learned about something called “feedforward.” Marshall Goldsmith defines it as “feedback that’s forward-looking.” For example, when giving feedback, I could say, “You’re not delegating enough responsibility to your subordinates.” This is a statement that describes what you’ve done wrong in the past. That same statement framed as feedforward would sound more like, “Going forward, you could distribute more of your workload to your direct reports so that you’re less bogged down.” In addition, asking team members how they would like to proceed encourages them to describe what they can do to effect this change.

Asking for feedforward from others gives us a great opportunity to discover how we impact others with our behavior. Plus, rather than focusing on the past, it focuses on the future. The intention is to help us improve our behavior going forward, not because we’re wrong or stupid but because all of us have behaviors that are not particularly useful in a work context.

Requesting good, honest observations from our teammates has multiple benefits for everyone. Asking for feedforward helps us be open-minded to what others have to say, and we have an opportunity to make a behavioral change. By offering observations about others, we help team members improve, and we become invested in the changes as we share our thoughts. In this type of exchange, both people have a chance to create a more trusting relationship going forward. Through feedforward, we can explore how to improve things and send a message to teammates that, from this point forward, we are invested in each other’s success.

This week, try asking for some feedforward from your teammates. Ask a fellow teammate what he or she observed about you in a meeting you both attended. Or you could ask a team member in advance of a conference call to pay special attention to your tone of voice and your messaging — did he or she think that others understood what you were trying to say? How about asking for some behavioral suggestions, such as how you might be more articulate at the up-coming status meeting or how you might share more information with others over the next month?

I used to have a boss who often asked me what he could do to improve. I remember how unusual I thought this was. We met every week to talk about the status of projects, any challenges I was having with my team, and generally, how I was doing. When we were just about done, he would always ask, “What can I do to help you be more successful? What can I do to be a better boss?” I remember how uncomfortable his question made me at first, but after a while, I got pretty good at sharing my observations of his behavior and even made suggestions I thought would help him. I never realized how important his question was and what a difference it made in my ability to share feedback with others.

This week, try experimenting with feedforward and see what kinds of suggestions you receive — as well as give.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

The Value of Taking a Risk

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about taking a risk. After an intense three days in Los Angeles, where I attended an executive coaching training program, I have emerged with a deeper understanding of what it means to take a risk.

I play it pretty safe. Now that I’m into my sixth decade, I’ve observed that I’m pretty conservative about the way I live my life. I keep money in savings. I try not to spend too much and pay off my credit cards each month. I stay in touch with family and friends, sometimes not as often as I’d like. I get just enough exercise and try to eat what’s good for me. I try to use the advice my father gave me of “everything in moderation.”

In my business, I’m the same way. I made sure I got a good, solid coaching education before I went into the business. I use many of the same tools I’ve used for years that are tried and true. I rely on referrals for new business (no major marketing campaigns for me!), and I don’t charge my clients too much for my services compared to many in my profession.

Many of my clients play it safe as well. They go to work each day to jobs that are pretty demanding at times but that don’t require huge changes in how they approach their day-to-day challenges. Some of my clients take more risks in their jobs than others, depending on the demands of their role in the organization, but these people sometimes tend to play it safe in their personal lives. I remember one client saying to me, “I have no problem taking risks when I’m negotiating a deal for the company, but when it comes to my personal life, no way!” Perhaps one of the tenants I learned in my training is true: We tend to attract people whose values are similar to our own.

Occasionally, I work with folks in startup companies who love the energy that comes from taking risks. For them, taking a real risk might mean sitting quietly for a day rather than letting the startup pace speed them through one task after another. What would they do if they couldn’t get swept up in that momentum for a day? What would it mean to just stop for a day? Pretty risky proposition for someone who loves the speed and high intensity of a startup.

Over the past week in my coaching training, something began to dawn on me. How long had it been since I had taken a risk? When I changed professions from recruiting to coaching, I took a risk. Most of my recruiting clients didn’t even know what coaching was (I’m not sure I knew what coaching was back then) because the profession was in its infancy. Try telling a customer who’s come to you for one service that he or she really needs a different service. You get a lot of “not interested” comments in return.

I took a risk when I pulled up stakes in California after 20 years and moved to Oregon. I only knew a few people in Portland, and I knew very little about the city or its culture. But I remember distinctly knowing that leaving the Bay Area was what I needed to do. I just wasn’t at all sure that Portland was the right place to land.

Taking those risks changed my life for the better in more ways than I imagined. It wasn’t as though everything in Portland turned out to be perfect. There were lots of challenges and obstacles to overcome — plenty of scary moments when I thought, “What have I done?” or “Why did I do this?”

What I see in retrospect is that the hardest part of taking the risk was changing how I looked at the losses and gains. Taking a risk requires a change in mindset. You have to go from focusing on what you’ll lose to what you’ll gain. You have to keep your mind on the benefits that taking the risk can bring, rather than focusing on the losses. And it means not allowing yourself to wallow in regrets when things don’t go exactly as you hope they will. My good friend Kimberlee completely changed her life five years ago when she left a high-powered corporate job and moved to southern France. She recently wrote on her blog, “After years of saying, ‘If only,” I’m now saying, ‘It’s only.’” (Read the full blog post at http://noregretsforme.blogspot.com.) Being comfortable with risk means forgiving and letting go of what used to be and allowing what can become. It’s seeing that taking a risk doesn’t mean your life is coming to an end.

This past week, I realized that the time is right to take some risks in my business. I went to the training looking for some new tools to sharpen up my coaching. What I received was a totally new way to offer my services and run my business. Many of the ideas and processes that the trainers shared changed my perspective on coaching. For example, I learned that without regular input from your major stakeholders, your direct reports, your boss, your spouse, the incentive to actually change behaviors isn’t strong enough. Coaching is really all about helping people change the behaviors that are preventing them from being successful.

The use of 360-degree feedback is prevalent in most organizations because it’s a way to get feedback from your stakeholders on how you’re behaving. But just like performance reviews, you get this feedback only once or twice a year. The traditional 360 process has many other pitfalls, too, such as people spending more time trying to guess who the anonymous feedback came from rather than thanking people for their suggestions, or no checks and balances to follow up and see if the person receiving the feedback is actually making changes.

As a coach, when I work with people after they’ve received their 360 feedback, they often focus almost exclusively on the negative comments they received. They generally try to defend themselves with, “They just don’t understand me” or “I know they don’t like me and are trying to sabotage me.” Even the suggestions they think are worthwhile generally only get put into place for a little while before they return to their more comfortable ways of behaving. Net-net: There’s no permanent change in behavior.

In my training, I learned a process that actually ensures behavioral change. Yes, it takes a year to do it, and there are parts of it that can be tedious — because it’s very methodical. But everyone is involved in the process of improvement, and in the end, the entire team wins. So it’s a win-win for the person being coached and all the stakeholders.

This endorsement makes it sound like I can just immediately begin adapting this new approach. But it will be risky, so I’m now faced with the question of whether or not I’m willing to take the risk. What could I lose by doing this and what could I gain?

I believe if we ask for something, we get it. It doesn’t always come packaged the way we imagine it should be. I hoped for a husband that would be 6 feet 2 inches tall and blond. Instead, my husband is 5 feet 9 inches tall with dark hair. But I got what I really wanted and needed: someone who truly loves me. There’s power in asking for what you really want, and if you’re sincere, then taking the risks needed to get it and not getting stuck on what you think it should look like or how it should be will become part of the commitment you make to yourself.

I’ve asked for this opportunity to take a risk. I hate to admit it because it makes me fearful to think of making fundamental changes in my life. But I also know that when I’ve done this in the past, I have gained so much more than I ever imagined possible. It won’t be easy, but as Chaucer wrote, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

This week, ask yourself, “When was the last time I took a risk?” When did you force yourself out of the comfortable nest you were in to take your first flight? How long has it been since you took a completely different approach to how you do your business or launched headlong into a project that you know will confront you with challenges and obstacles along the way? Rather than focus on what’s preventing you from taking a risk, how about spending the week identifying something you’d really like to do but have been too afraid to attempt? Then take one step toward making it a reality.

Here are four wonderful quotes about risk-taking that I share with you this week to encourage all of us to take a risk.

“People who don’t take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year. People who do take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.” ~ Peter F. Drucker, management consultant, educator, and author

“You must lose a fly to catch a trout.” ~ George Herbert, poet, orator and priest

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So, throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~ Mark Twain, writer and humorist

“Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. ~ James B. Conant, educator and scientist

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Remarkable Bosses

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge comes from a previous client of mine and his long-time mentor, Roy Gardner. Roy has been a consultant, coach and mentor to many people over the years, and I appreciate his observations of what remarkable bosses do and how they act. Your challenge is embedded within the following writing excerpt from Roy. Whether it’s about forgiving and forgetting or inspiring and motivating, choose one of Roy’s suggestions to try out this week in your interactions with team members. A special thanks to Christian Buschow for sharing Roy’s wisdom.

“Good bosses look good on paper. Great bosses look great in person; their actions show their value. Yet some bosses go even farther. They’re remarkable — not because of what you see them do but what you don’t see them do. Where remarkable bosses are concerned, what you see is far from all you get: They forgive, and they forget. When an employee makes a mistake — especially a major mistake—it’s easy to forever view that employee through the perspective of that mistake. I know. I’ve done it. But one mistake or one weakness is just one part of the whole person. Great bosses are able to step back, set aside a mistake and think about the whole employee. Remarkable bosses are also able to forget that mistake because they know that viewing any employee through the lens of one incident may forever impact how they treat that employee. And they know the employee will be able to tell. To forgive may be divine but to forget can be even more divine.

“[Remarkable bosses] transform company goals into the employees’ personal goals. Great bosses inspire their employees to achieve company goals. Remarkable bosses make their employees feel that what they do will benefit them as much as it does the company. After all, whom will you work harder for: a company or yourself? “Whether they get professional development, an opportunity to grow, a chance to shine or a chance to flex their favorite business muscles, employees who feel a sense of personal purpose almost always outperform employees who feel a sense of company purpose. And they have a lot more fun doing it.

“Remarkable bosses know their employees well enough to tap the personal, not just the professional. They look past the action to the emotion and motivation. Sometimes employees make mistakes or simply do the wrong thing. Sometimes they take over projects or roles without approval or justification. Sometimes they jockey for position, play political games or ignore company objectives in pursuit of personal goals. When that happens it’s easy to assume they don’t listen or don’t care. But almost always there’s a deeper reason: They feel stifled, they feel they have no control, they feel marginalized or frustrated — or maybe they are just trying to find a sense of meaning in their work that pay rates and titles can never provide.

“Effective bosses deal with actions. Remarkable bosses search for the underlying issues that, when overcome, lead to much bigger change for the better. They support without seeking credit. A customer is upset. A vendor feels shortchanged. A co-worker is frustrated. Whatever the issue, good bosses support their employees. They know that to do otherwise undermines the employee’s credibility and possible authority. Afterword, most bosses will say to the employee, “Listen, I took up for you, but…” Remarkable bosses don’t say anything. They feel supporting their employees — even if that shines a negative spotlight on themselves — is the right thing to do and is therefore unremarkable. Even though we all know it isn’t.

“They make fewer public decisions. When a decision needs to be made, most of the time the best person to make that decision isn’t the boss. Most of the time the best person is the employee closest to the issue. Decisiveness is a quality of a good boss. Remarkable bosses can be decisive but often in a different way: They decide they aren’t the right person and then decide who is the right person. They do it not because they don’t want to avoid making those decisions but because they know they shouldn’t make those decisions. They don’t see control as a reward.

“Many people desperately want to be the boss, so they can finally call the shots. Remarkable bosses don’t care about control. As a result, they aren’t seen to exercise control. They’re seen as a person who helps. They allow employees to learn their own lessons. It’s easy for a boss to debrief an employee and turn a teachable moment into a lesson learned. It’s a lot harder to let employees learn their own lessons, even though the lessons we learn on our own are the lessons we remember forever.

“Remarkable bosses don’t scold or dictate; they work together with an employee to figure out what happened and what to do to correct the mistake. They help find a better way, not a disciplinary way. Great employees don’t need to be scolded or reprimanded. They know what they did wrong. Sometimes staying silent is the best way to ensure that they remember.

“[Remarkable bosses] let employees have the ideas. Years ago I worked in manufacturing and my boss sent me to help move the production control offices. It was basically manual labor, but for two days, it put me in a position to watch and hear and learn a lot about how the plant’s production flow was controlled. I found it fascinating, and later I asked my boss if I could be trained to fill in as a production clerk. Those two days sparked a lifelong interest in productivity and process improvement. Years later he admitted he sent me to help move their furniture. ‘I knew you’d go in there with your eyes wide open,’ he said, ‘and once you got a little taste I knew you’d love it.’ Remarkable bosses see the potential in their employees and find ways to let them have the ideas, even though the outcome was what they intended all along.

“Leadership is like a smorgasbord of insecurity. Remarkable bosses worry about employees and customers and results. You name it, they worry about it. That’s why remarkable bosses go home every day feeling they could have done things a little better or smarter. They wish they had treated employees with a little more sensitivity or empathy. Most important, they always go home feeling they could have done more to fulfill the trust their employees place in them. And that’s why, although you can’t see it, when they walk in the door every day remarkable bosses make a silent commitment to do their jobs even better than they did yesterday.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Clear Communication in Times of Crisis

Good day, team,

I received a nice compliment on my blog this past week about a challenge I wrote back in 2007. After re-reading it, I want to share it with you again. Here is the challenge from 12/3/2007.

This week’s challenge comes at the request of a technology manager I work with who wanted guidance on an all-too-common scenario: How to make decisions and communicate appropriately during times of crisis and high stress.

When something goes wrong—a major server outage, a system failure, or a missed deadline—how does one explain what’s happening, attempt to fix it and respond appropriately to managers when all they want to hear is that the problem has been fixed or the deadline will be met? In such situations, pressure mounts, and pretty soon the people trying to fix the problem want to throw up their hands and say, “I quit,” while the management continues to say, “Just fix it, now!”

In times of high stress, people tend to behave in one of two ways. Some people go immediately into activation mode, that is, they jump in and attack the problem with a strong sense of urgency. Other people go immediately into analytical mode by collecting all the relevant information, analyzing the problem and only then coming up with a solution.

For example, I recently witnessed a phone outage in a call center. Some of the supervisors were immediately up out of their chairs, talking with their phone representatives, and trying to address the problem with action. Other supervisors were on their computers trying to assess the problem by reviewing the numbers, and then determining who in the command center was taking care of it and what the overall impact would be on the business.

Interestingly enough, when the phones went back up and all the supervisors met to discuss what happened, everyone had something worthwhile to contribute, both those who immediately went to their phone representatives and those who spent time analyzing the problem.

Yet the manager of the call center responded most positively to the supervisors who showed a sense of urgency. Most leaders are motivated by results and are easily frustrated by people who begin with research rather than action. I’ve heard more than one business leader say, “What’s wrong with these people? The place is falling apart, and they’re analyzing our downfall instead of turning it around!”

Clearly, telling business leaders the truth when they don’t want to hear it is daunting. Sometimes we don’t know what the problem is; other times, we can’t promise it will be fixed on schedule. Sometimes we can’t even be heard, if leaders spend most of their time trying to give sometimes ineffectual orders and definitely don’t want to hear that their directions aren’t going to be carried out.

Speaking truth to power is challenging for all of us, especially if there’s a history of negative consequences. I remember one senior director telling me, “I don’t care what the problem is, I’d much rather have them tell me the truth immediately than shy away from it and have it broadside me later. I don’t care how bad it is or how much someone screwed up: Just tell me the truth, and we’ll deal with it.” The same director, however, upon hearing that an important customer’s order had been botched threatened to fire the people responsible if it ever happened again.

The same situations can crop up in our personal lives. How many times do we shy away from tough conversations with family members or friends because we are afraid of the other person’s response? Speaking the truth to anyone is difficult; speaking the truth to those who have a say in our livelihood or whose opinion of us matters is even more challenging.

But as Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is what it takes to sit down and listen.” Whether we are the purveyor or the receiver of bad news, handling the truth is an act of trust. Trust is at the heart of all healthy relationships, and we cannot trust people who don’t tell us the truth or who withhold information because they’re afraid to share it.

During times of crisis, it is especially important to be honest about what we see and communicate it to the best of our ability. Conversely, we need to listen to what’s being said and honor the person saying it. The more we can lessen our resistance to the truth and remove impediments to action, the faster any crisis can be resolved.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover

Good day, team.

Right before the end of last year, I wrote a challenge titled “The Importance of Emotional Connection.” The piece focused on my experience with the surgeon and other healthcare providers when I had nose surgery right before this past Thanksgiving. This week’s challenge offers a follow-up to that piece as well as an important lesson.

You may recall that my doctor’s lack of attempt to emotionally connect with me made my surgery doubly difficult. And it wasn’t just his inability but also the lack of effort made by the nurses and other health professionals to make any sincere connection with me. When we work with others in any capacity, I think it’s important to make an effort to emotionally connect, even if it’s only to make eye contact or to ask how they’re doing. Without this connection, it’s difficult to establish trust, and without trust, it’s difficult for people to work together. In my view, it’s what my doctor needed to do to be really successful. If he continued to leave the heart out of his interactions with his patients, he wouldn’t become the compassionate healer that most of us desire in our health professionals.

Here’s how I put it in the challenge:

“For Dr. Han to really be successful, he will need to spend some time working on his emotional intelligence. He will need to learn how to connect with his patients so that he has a better understanding of how they are feeling. I don’t recommend that his empathy get in the way of his expertise but taking time to actually see the person he is treating will help him be a better doctor, a more compassionate healer and a more intuitive human being.”

Last week, I went back to see my doctor for my eight-week, follow-up appointment. As I sat in the waiting room, I prepared myself for the same experience I ‘d had at my previous visits to see him. I knew what would happen: I would walk into the examining room and wait for the doctor to come in. He would enter the room, probably shake my hand, not look me in the eye, shine a light up my nose, make some comments about my recovery, give me advice about what to do next and be gone. “It will be exactly the same,” I thought, “and probably even worse since I’m doing fine and he’s pretty much done with me. No emotional connection whatsoever. Oh well. His loss. If he doesn’t care enough to really be attentive to me or to authentically inquire about how I’m doing, too bad for him.” As I walked to the examining room, I thought, “This time I’m ready for his cold, dispassionate approach.”

And then he walked into the room.

“Hi Kathleen,” he said with a huge smile on his face. He looked me right in the eyes, walked over to me and held out his hand. As he shook my hand, his other hand reached over and patted me on the shoulder, “How are you doing? I mean, you look great … still a little swollen, but that nose is healing really well. What do you think?” Frankly, I almost fell off the stool. Was this the same guy? The cold, uncaring surgeon I had experienced was suddenly transformed into a happy, caring, approachable guy who seemed sincerely interested in what my experience had been. How could this be? I had him pegged, and now he was being just the opposite of what I had defined him to be.

Our appointment was as different this time as you could ever imagine. He asked me great questions. He listened to me and never took his eyes away from mine when I spoke. He seemed genuinely interested in how I was doing. At the end of our appointment, I believed him when he said, “I’m so glad you’re breathing better, and this is working for you. I don’t feel successful unless my patients are really happy with their results.”

As I walked out of the doctor’s office that day, I realized I had just learned a great lesson. If we’re so quick to define people by our first experiences with them, we run the risk of not noticing that they are more than that. If we put them in a box and label it “unable to emotionally connect and therefore, deficient,” as I did with my doctor, we might just leave them in that box. Then if they exhibit a different kind of behavior that’s outside of that box, we don’t see it.

By putting my doctor in a box and labeling him, I end up losing the most. My doctor is still what he is. If I only see him the way I initially defined him, then I’m the one who’s actually trapped in a box — a box labeled, “narrow-minded.” If I can’t see that he’s actually more than what my first impressions revealed, then I miss out and my narrow opinions stay intact.

This week, notice the thoughts and feelings you have about others. Are you convinced that they’re a particular way because that’s been your only experience of them? Do you believe that’s the only way they’ll ever be? Are you unable to see that most people have lots of different behaviors and states of mind and heart, depending on their day, their stress level, their own experiences? What would you need to do to be able to look at someone anew?

The irony of the situation with my surgeon was not lost on me. By being so quick to define my doctor as lacking in emotional intelligence, I lacked the ability to see him differently and ran the risk of shutting down my own emotional intelligence in the process.

This week, try seeing your co-workers, friends and family members with an open mind and heart. Try not to keep them in small boxes with big labels convincing you that your opinions and observations are correct. Think about how frustrating it is when you’ve worked hard to change some of your own behaviors and others don’t recognize those changes. How does it make you feel when you know someone judges and then labels you as being only one way when you know you’re capable of being many ways, depending on the situation?

Fortunately, my doctor shocked me with his friendly, warm and emotionally connected behavior last week. That shock woke me up and helped me to respond to him in the moment, rather than only seeing him as I saw him before. As my mother used to say, “Never judge a book by its cover.” I used to think she told me that because it would be unfair to the person I was judging. Now, I know that the person who really loses in that situation is me. By judging the book by its cover, you never open the book to read it — and that’s where the real story begins.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.