Category: Coach’s Challenge

Good day, team,

The challenge this week is about noticing and acknowledging the kindness of others. I was reminded of this virtue last weekend, after a frightening experience in which my husband and I needed emergency help. Here’s what happened.

Early Sunday morning, a nasty grass fire broke out at our ranch in the Columbia River Gorge. We were fast asleep at the time, but due to a combination of a prophetic dream, a popping sound, and my sense of smell, I awoke at 2 a.m. to discover the field across from our house ablaze. I immediately knew this was no small fire, and as my husband, David, rushed to the scene with hoses in hand, I called emergency services.

I’ve never had to call 911 before. After half a ring, a reassuring voice answered. She immediately notified the fire chief and volunteers in our tiny, unincorporated community and verified that no one was hurt. She assured me the fire crew would arrive as soon as they could.

Five minutes later, our nearest neighbor, Mike, drove up in his truck. Barely awake, he promised the fire crew was right behind him. Next came the fire chief, efficient and friendly. In a few minutes, four fire trucks barreled up the road. Then Mike’s wife, Brenda, and another friend and neighbor, Leroy, arrived. All of them were either part-time or full-time volunteers, and included retirees.

When everyone got to the fire, David was still working the hoses, trying like crazy to put out the highest flames. (Evidently, an owl had flown into an old transformer and burst into flames.) We had had 40 mile-an-hour winds earlier that day, and each time a gust of wind came up, it would ignite the embers and create a new path of fire in seconds. A fire already about 260 feet long and 50 feet wide was expanding each time the wind blew. You really don’t get a sense of how powerful flames are until you see them in action.

The firemen (and -women, I might add) turned on the big hoses, and the blaze was soon under control. The volunteers spent the next two hours digging a trench around the fire, making sure that every possible spark was out, and then went back with an infrared camera to make sure there were no embers lurking under the soil.

I stood at the edge of the field and looked out at the seven volunteers spread across our field in their yellow fire suits, each with a shovel in hand, working feverishly to put out the remaining remnants of fire. Thick smoke burned their eyes and, I imagine, parched their throats. At times, all I could see were the lights from their headlamps through the smoke and ash lighting up small patches of burnt earth, as they worked with great concentration and determination to save our field. Someone mentioned to me that our fire chief makes $500 a month to do his job and, of course, the volunteers don’t make a thing. I was in awe of these selfless folks from our little community who were helping out people they had never met before.

When they were done, we shook the volunteers’ hands and hugged our neighbors. Big smiles broke out on their grimy faces as they remarked variously, “It’s nothing. Just glad it didn’t jump the road”; “Could have been worse. It’s still the start of summer, lots of green on the ground”; “Glad you were here”; “Good thing you’re a light sleeper.”

As they drove away, I had tears in my eyes, and my heart was full from the display of kindness I had just experienced. I will never forget what each of those wonderful people did for us in the early hours of that summer morning, for no reward other than to be here when we needed them.

Last week, I tried to acknowledge any act of kindness I observed. When someone at a restaurant held the door open for a bunch of us as we passed through the doorway, I stopped and told him how much I appreciated it. At the grocery store, as a woman turned sharply, her purse hit the avocados, and they came tumbling down. People in the produce section bent to help her pick them up. I joined in, and we all smiled as we restacked the avocados. Later in the week, I noticed that a young man stopped and parked his bike to help an old woman in a wheelchair cross the road. I gave him a thumbs up as I passed by.

Your challenge this week is to do the same. Try seeing the acts of kindness that are going on around you and take a moment to let people know how great it is that they are performing these acts. It doesn’t have to be verbal: It can be a smile, a wave, a wink or even a high five. You don’t have to worry about the right thing to do; believe me, the right response will come.

If you want to contribute a couple of good deeds yourself, feel free. It’s amazing how good it feels to help someone on the spur of the moment. When they look you in the eye and give you a heartfelt thanks, remember how good it feels to receive help when you’re in need.

Have a good week.

Kathleen

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team,

Last week I read a great article, “The Science of Happiness,” by Barbara Fredrickson in the Sun magazine. Fredrickson is the Kenan Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She has spent more than 20 years investigating the relatively uncharted terrain of positive emotions, which she says can make us healthier and happier if we take time to cultivate them. She has recently published a book about many of her findings, “Positivity.”

I have long been interested in understanding group dynamics in business teams. I’ve spent many years observing the behavior that occurs when teams work together and often wondered why some teams are successful while others are not. What factors create high-performing teams? What factors create teams that spiral down to a dead end?

In her work, Fredrickson was introduced to Marcial Losada, a well-known business consultant who has developed mathematical models of people’s ability to broaden and build their capacities, resources and resilience. In many years of studying 60 business teams during their annual strategic planning sessions, Losada ranked their success based on the number of positive and negative statements made during the meetings.

People on high-performing teams had a 6-1 ratio of positive to negative statements, whereas the low-performing teams had ratios of less than 1-to-1, meaning that more than half of what was said was negative. The high-performing teams had an even balance between asking questions and advocating for their own points of view, and also an equal measure of focusing outward (for example, on customers) and focusing within the group. The low-performing groups had asked almost no questions and almost never focused outside the group. They exhibited a self-absorbed advocacy: Nobody was listening to anyone else, they were all just waiting to talk.

Ultimately, Losada took his behavioral data and wrote algebraic equations that reflected how each stream – the questioning, the positivity, and the outward-inward focus – related to each other. He learned that his equations matched a set of existing equations called the Lorenz System, which is famous in nonlinear dynamics because it in turn led to the discovery of chaos theory, sometimes called “the butterfly effect”—the idea that the flap of a butterfly’s wings in one location can set in motion a series of events that causes a hurricane on the other side of the globe.

Underneath the dynamics of the high-performing team was what physicists call a “complex chaotic attractor,” which produces unpredictable or novel outcomes. So high-performing teams produced novel creative results. Underneath the structure of low-performing teams was a “fixed-point attractor” that caused the teams to nosedive. What’s interesting is that the negativity always arose within the realm of self-absorbed advocacy and not asking any questions. That’s where the fixed point attractor lies.

Ultimately, using the Lorenz equations, Fredrickson was able to predict that a ratio of three positive events to one negative event is the tipping point where things become chaotic, which is a good thing, since it’s only in this environment that people can be truly interactive and creative. And as a team interacted more and experienced more creativity, positivity spiraled upward.

Fredrickson tested this 3-1 ratio over the next few years to see if it was actually true. In each case, the theory held. She also applied it to her own life in raising her second child and found it to be a much better method of child-rearing. If she could balance the number of times she said, “No” to her son with three times as much positivity, his ability to express himself and pursue his creative interests was much higher and he was happier. She found this to be true in marriages as well. Research suggests that married couples who express about a 5-1 ratio of positive to negative emotions have much more solid marriages than couples who exchange greater amounts of negativity.

So what’s the challenge here? This week, try seeing how much negativity grabs your attention and how often you express it. Then take a look at how often you express positivity and what tends to draw you in more. Fredrickson’s research shows that negative experiences tend to demand our attention more, and it takes self-discipline, will power and practice not to focus solely on them and to choose a positive outlook instead. So negativity tends to happen to us, whereas we need to intentionally choose positivity.

Observe what’s happening in your team meetings. Do the negative comments far outweigh the positive? Do people seem disengaged? Do they ask questions and share new ideas, or do they just sit there and choose not to participate? When they do speak, is it to protect their territory or is it because they want to share an insight or encourage creativity within the group?

If you see a lot of negativity in your life, here are some simple suggestions from the article for experiencing more positivity:

1. Be aware of the present moment, because most moments are positive. We miss many opportunities to be positive because we’re thinking about the past and worrying about the future rather than being open to what is.

2. Pay attention to human kindness—not just what others do for you but what you can do for other people.

3. Go outside in good weather.

4. Practice mindfulness or loving kindness meditation.

5. Arrange your life around your strengths. Ask yourself: Am I really doing what I do best? Being employed in a job that suits your strengths is a great source of enduring positive emotions.

Check out the amount of positivity you experience in your life, both personally and at work. Try injecting more of it into your life this week and see if it makes you happier. As Robert Ingersoll wrote, “My creed is this: Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team,

By special request, I’m resending this challenge written in September 2007. Some of my horse-loving clients have asked me to republish it.

This week’s challenge comes from the book “The Man Who Listens to Horses” by Monty Roberts. Roberts is a real-life horse whisperer, an American original whose gentle training methods reveal the depth of communication possible between people and animals.

A few years ago, my fellow coach Kate Dwyer (who’s also an avid horsewoman) mentioned to me that the similarities between coaching people and horses are uncanny. She suggested this book to me and in reading it, I have found many useful hints in my attempts to understand good ways of working with people.

Here’s an excerpt from the introduction to the book, written by Lawrence Scanlon:

“Three hundred years before the birth of Christ, there lived a Greek cavalry officer named Xenophon. He wrote a tiny classic called ‘The Art of Horsemanship.’ Here is a paragraph from it:

‘A fit of passion is a thing that has no foresight in it, and so we often have to rue the day when we gave way to it. Consequently, when your horse shies at an object and is unwilling to go up to it, he should be shown that there is nothing fearful in it, least of all to a courageous horse like him; but if this fails, touch the object yourself that seems so dreadful to him, and lead him up to it with gentleness.

‘Riders who force their horses by the use of the whip only increase their fear, for they then associate the pain with the thing that frightens them.’”

This advice makes me think about situations in which some sort of discipline is required. How strong do we need to be in getting the message across (the whip)? And what are the consequences if the people we manage or parent don’t do what we’ve instructed them to do?

Interestingly, none of us seems to have trouble letting toddlers know that if they touch a stove, they will get burned. It’s not hard for us to be quite direct in our instructions about it. However, try using the same direct message when cautioning adults about something that can burn them figuratively: We often stumble on our words and are not very clear about the consequences.

Coaching works best when we begin by being the active force but then quickly step back from that position so the people being coached can become the active force for themselves. People, like horses, respond best to those who are willing to be patient, considerate and clear about their intention, with no hint of anger or judgment.

Of course, managing people will require being tough at times. Such toughness will be effective if all team members believe the discipline is being applied fairly and that it’s for the good of the whole team, not just one person in particular. Managers shouldn’t ask their team members to do anything they themselves wouldn’t also be willing to do.

One of the techniques Roberts uses most effectively, which he describes many times in his book, is to listen to what horses are saying in their own language. This attentiveness gives him the opportunity to respond to them in the same way, with the flick of an ear, the movement of an eye, or a facial expression. Our body language communicates volumes, and unspoken messages that frighten people or make them ill at ease do not facilitate good communication and often make people wary. Feeling safe is a prerequisite for being vulnerable enough to open up the lines of communication and say what we’re really thinking.

Your challenge this week is to take a lesson from our four-legged friend the horse. Take a look at the people you spend most of your time with. How do you treat them? Are you hard on them because you think that will bring out their best? Do you find yourself asking them to do something you wouldn’t dream of doing? Are you willing to invite them into the running, so to speak, rather than forcing them? How would you like to be treated in a similar situation? Are people willing to come back to you for more guidance, or do they try to avoid you? Do you cause people to fear you or respect you?

Once you are able to answer these questions, try taking a gentle, attentive approach with people. Maybe it’s just as simple as holding out your hand and asking for help rather than pointing your finger to get your opinion across. And if that hand offers an apple as well, you might just find that people respond like the horse does, with a willingness to carry you that extra mile!

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge comes from an old Indian tale, “Two Wolves,” which was shared with me by a *coaching contact. She heard it from Lou Tice, chairman of The Pacific Institute, an organization dedicated to transforming peoples’ lives through education and training.

“One evening, an old Cherokee man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

“The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf wins?’ The old man replied, ‘The one you feed.’

How often are we faced with a choice about how to react to each day’s challenges? Do we rail at the outrageous winds of fate that pound us from time to time, falling in the pit of self-pity, or do we look upon these moments as opportunities to learn and grow, and broaden the humanity within us?

The good news is that we do have a choice. We can choose to feed the wolf of envy and resentment or the wolf of humility, benevolence and compassion. We can choose to be happy or to be miserable. The choice we make colors our days, our work and our relationships to those around us. Which wolf will you choose to feed today?”

Your challenge this week is to observe what your state of mind is throughout the day and choose what serves you best. Which wolf are you choosing to feed? In some cases, we don’t make a conscious choice but rather find ourselves in a state of negativity that creates a bad day. If you recognize that a difficult state has come over you, then you can choose to do something to get yourself out of it. In that moment you can choose the good wolf, rather than have the evil wolf to determine how your day will go.

The opportunities we have to choose our state of mind and heart are endless. Events throughout our day create all kinds of reactions in us. But if we are self-aware enough to observe what we’re thinking and feeling, we can ask ourselves, “Does this state serve me well?” Just by asking the question you will have an opportunity to choose which wolf you want to feed and which wolf you can tell to find its food elsewhere.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

*Many thanks to Debbie Neuberger, Senior Vice President of Customer Care at Move Inc., for sharing this story with me.

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge is about the creative process. I’ve noticed that when we immerse ourselves in creating something, we generally find some parts tedious and difficult to get through. The free flow of energy that comes when your muse sings to you is often not compatible with the order and discipline that all creative endeavors require.

When my husband bought his new Yamaha keyboard—quite an advanced instrument of technology—he had to spend many evenings painstakingly reading the manual and experimenting with it before he could access all of its capabilities. Once he had it figured out, he could then use it to support his creativity in composing, playing and arranging music. Without the determination to slog through the manual, he would not have been able to create what he wanted.

I have always been interested in weaving. I have dreams of weaving beautiful colors of yarn or fabric together to make intricate patterns that stretch out before me. I wake up from these dreams incredibly satisfied. But in experimenting at the weavers’ studio recently, I found myself frustrated by my lack of coordination with the loom. Even worse, when I finally thought I was getting it, I would make huge mistakes that I had to go back and reweave. After a few lessons, I gave it up. But I still have my dreams and hope that someday I’ll have the energy and motivation to return to the loom.

I go through the same experience at work. When I’m designing a new program or upgrading an existing training, I often get stuck in the creative process. My solution is to get up from my desk and move around. Sometimes just going outside briefly is enough to change the energy that’s stopped me, and I can then move forward. I’ve concluded that creativity doesn’t just flow through us. When it does, it’s a glorious feeling, and one that we are grateful for. But part of creating is also knowing what to do when you get stuck, how to break through the obstacles that stop the process.

In his book “The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship,” David Whyte writes:

“From the outside, especially to those who long for a more artistic life, a writer looks to be involved in what looks like unscheduled imaginative adventure, but what she needs above all else is structure and a goodly amount of space within that structure. It takes a good, settled sense of what we are about, first to think that we deserve the time and then to arrange our day so that what we want comes about.”

When I read this passage, I thought about all the times I had been on deadline to create a PowerPoint presentation and the stress that came from waiting until the last minute to do it and then not having enough time to make it as good as I wanted it to be. Part of the discipline involved in creating anything is to give yourself enough time to really get into it and then to finish it.

Your challenge this week is to take a hard look at your creative endeavors and output. Do you give yourself permission to engage in that creative pursuit that draws you in? If so, are you giving yourself enough time and space to allow your creative juices to flow? How about the structure in which you create? If you’re an artist, do you show up in front of your easel on a regular basis? If you’re a writer, do you make yourself sit in front of your pad of paper or in front of your computer to write consistently each day, or each week? Maybe you enjoy creating with crafts. Are your boxes of beads or fabric or yarn stored away in the attic or the spare bedroom, unopened for many months, taunting you each time you see them? Try to draw up a schedule so you can make time to create something with them.

It may sound funny to merge these two opposites, creation and discipline, but they work well to support the creator throughout his or her process. And when it comes to being more creative on the job, try not to wait till the last minute to work on that presentation or project. Your best energy for creating is often when you don’t have any clue yet what you’re going to do. By sitting down while you’re still relaxed about the deadline, you allow your ideas to flow and off you go. The journey of discovery fuels your creativity.

All creative pursuits include experimentation, taking risks and making mistakes. But they also include having an enormous amount of fun. Give yourself the time and space to have some of that fun this week, in whatever creative process you enjoy.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good morning, team,

Each April, I try to offer a poem as one of the weekly coach’s challenges, because April is poetry month. This year, I decided to wait until the end of May to offer you something from Walt Whitman as part of your challenge. This coming weekend is the anniversary of his birth, so the timing seemed appropriate.

Whitman, as most of us know, was one of America’s finest poets. He was born on May 31, 1819, and lived a fulfilling and challenging life for the next 80 years. We know his poetry, but many people are not aware that Walt Whitman traveled hundreds of miles on foot, state to state, visiting wounded soldiers in make-shift camps during the Civil War. He sat with these soldiers, held their hands, prayed with them, spoke to them in poetic terms and then walked to the next set of tents that had been hastily erected on a blood-soaked hillside to console and love yet another group of soldiers.

I have always felt that Walt Whitman was a patron saint for me. We share the same birthdate. As a child, I saw a picture of him in a book of my grandfather’s. There he stood, with his long white beard, in a cock-eyed hat and well-worn vest, looking straight into the camera with a curious look. I liked him instantly and asked him silently if we could be friends. He responded with a whole-hearted, “Yes!” and we’ve been buddies ever since.

When I was little and something really frightened me, I would imagine myself lying in a field of wildflowers and high grass with Walt, my head resting on his chest. I could feel bits of his beard tickle the top of my head as we looked into the high blue sky, the bright sun warming our faces, chatting about the day and how fine everything was. This always made me feel better and, I must confess, I still call upon him as an adult when anxiety tries to overcome me. His poetry inspires and settles me at the same time.

Here is a poem from Walt that I want to share with you for this challenge.

“Out of the rolling ocean, the crowd, came a drop gently to me,
Whispering I love you, before long I die,
I have travel’d a long way merely to look on you to touch you,
For I could not die till I once look’d on you,
For I fear I might afterward lose you.

Now we have met, we have look’d, we are safe,
Return in peace to the ocean my love,
I too am part of that ocean my love, we are not so much separated,
Behold the great rondure, the cohesion of all, how perfect!
But as for me, for you, the irresistible sea is to separate us,
As for an hour carrying us diverse, yet cannot carry us diverse forever;
Be not impatient – a little space – know you I salute the air, the
ocean and the land,
Every day at sundown for your dear sake my love.”

Your challenge this week is to find that poem, that author, that essay that gives you a moment of peace and freedom. Find the words that offer you a break from the daily grind. Build it into your week, your month, your year. Like coming up for air, allow yourself an opportunity to surface above the weight of your daily responsibilities and take a breath. Rest for a moment in that place of tranquil joy. Find the word that inspires you and allows you to see things from a different perspective. Take a few moments just for yourself.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights
reserved.

Good day, team,

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much time I spend on my computer. Is it four hours a day or more? I know it’s the first thing I do when I get to my office in the morning: log on, get my e-mail, and then I’m in for however long it takes me to sift through the messages and respond appropriately. Next is usually a coaching session on the phone or in person and then back to the computer.

I try hard not to use the computer when I’m on the phone, but sometimes I need to look up something we’re discussing and sometimes I make a few notes. Since I really don’t like to hear people typing while they’re on the phone with me, I try to be respectful in return.

Sometimes I just seem to hang out on my computer. You know how it is: You’re in that blank space, staring at your screen (like staring into space) and just sort of surfing around with no particular aim in mind. It’s comforting in a vacuous way, but I find that I often feel guilty if too much time goes by, the way I do when I watch stupid stuff on TV.

I have to set up rules about my computer so I don’t spend too much time on it. When I do, my neck starts to hurt, and that’s my wake up call to get up and move away from the machine. I also try not to work on my computer at night. Once I’ve left my office, I leave it behind. But there are still times when hours pass as my fingers move across the keyboard.

I read a letter to the editor on this topic in one of my favorite magazines, “The Sun,” this week. Laura Rachinsky of Norwalk, Connecticut, writes

“The Internet is a useful tool, a means to an end, whether you are in search of esoterica or airline reservations. When society begins to view the Internet as an end unto itself, however, we sacrifice our humanity. As Nicholas Carr says, we lose our capacity for introspection and contemplation and even endanger the quality of our interpersonal relationships. We deprive ourselves of all sensory input save for what’s displayed on the two-dimensional monitor.

“Though I enjoy my computer, I will never surrender my books. Reading is a sensory experience: the solidity of a hardcover or the suppleness of a paperback; the friction of fingertips on pulpy pages; the smell of ink and paper.”

I can relate to what Ms. Rachinsky has written. My computer is very useful, but it has its limitations. One of my greatest joys in life is reading a great book, and the nicer the book, the better the experience. I particularly appreciate the pace of reading and how my mind chooses to contemplate what I read at its own speed.

Your challenge this week is to observe how much time you spend on your computer and experiment with changing your online habits. See if you have resorted to using it for many other things you used to do without a computer, like looking up recipes in a cookbook or reading the newspaper. Are you regularly sending friends a message on Facebook instead of calling them on the phone or going to see them? Try limiting the amount of time you spend on your computer or, at the very least, try adding other methods of communication to your day so the computer is not your only source of interaction.

Computers are, after all, machines, and I find that if I spend most of my day interacting chiefly with a machine, I feel rather empty when the day is done. I marvel at their many uses and the wealth of information they make available to me in a nanosecond, but I second Ms. Rachinsky, who concluded her letter by asking, “Who ever curled up on a rainy day with a good computer?”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day team,

A few months ago, my husband and I went back to Portland, Maine, to visit my aging father, who had just moved into an assisted living center. I mentioned that I might write about some of my experiences during that trip, and now I can share what was probably the most significant observation I made, about denial. It is the subject of this week’s challenge, one that everyone can relate to.

After starting out in a privileged family, receiving a top-notch education, succeeding at some challenging executive jobs, surviving multiple marriages and raising four daughters, suffering from mental illness and diabetes, playing boogie woogie and Chopin on the piano, and finding true joy in baseball, a good scotch, a well-played 18 holes of golf, and the voice of Lena Horne, my father had become a person whose life had narrowed to the corner of a room in an assisted living center. When I saw him sitting there, in a high-backed chair, watching one of his favorite old movies, I wondered how such a situation befalls human beings. After such a full life, how does the final act end up like this?

My father, the great story-teller. The guy who could always entertain my friends by recounting historical events with incredible accuracy (right down to how many times a cannon had been fired) or recite one of hundreds of off-color limericks he had committed to memory, which left us laughing so hard we cried. He could tell an Irish tale with the perfect accent, or send chills up our spines spinning scary stories on dark stormy nights. Now he can barely speak more than a few words and has a hard time remembering what he ate for breakfast. Could this, God forbid, happen to me?

I had a hard time accepting his condition. Surely, he would just be in the center for a few weeks, I kept telling myself, and then things would go back to normal. He would move back to the home where he and my stepmother—a truly remarkable woman who has loved my father for the past 12 years with total unconditional love and support—would return to the nice routine they’d developed in the company of their loyal dog, Lewis, and tentative cat, Clark.

But after a few days, I began to accept that my father was never going to leave that place. The best that could happen would be for him to leave the medical portion of the facility and move into a small apartment on the assisted living side of the building. We were all hoping for this possibility, and my stepmother did an admiral job lobbying for it every chance she had.

While I fought my denial about what was happening to my father, I noticed that the one person who seemed to be the most accepting of his condition was my father himself. By being so willing to go with the flow, my father was helping all of us come to terms with his situation. When a weekend nurse came to see to his medications and, not knowing his case, asked him, “When do you go home, dear?” my father replied, “I’m never going to leave this place.” The finality of his statement made my stomach turn.

Herein lies the theme of this week’s challenge: denial. We all know the experience: It’s what happens when we cannot face what is right in front of us. It’s the cloak we put over our heads when something is too difficult to face, the lie we tell when something is too painful to admit, and the overall attitude we have when we choose not to acknowledge the “elephant in the room.” It happens in our core relationships and within our extended families; we see it play out on a global scale with our politicians; and we experience it almost every day at work. Denial is so prevalent in our lives that it’s become remarkable when someone instead just accepts what is.

Next time you’re sitting in a meeting at work where everyone avoids the biggest issue, yet you can see it in their eyes—you know they know that you know that they know, but no one is talking about the truth—or you watch a parent or grandparent struggle with aging issues and you yourself refuse to accept their new circumstances, try mustering the courage to face the reality of the situation.

Take a lesson from my Dad. When you hear yourself telling stories of denial, just stop mid-sentence and decide not to continue. Ask yourself what you’re pretending not to know. See if you can live with the thing you are avoiding. Try telling yourself the truth and just accept the facts.

Remarkably, I’ve found that when I’m able to face something, it’s often not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. There’s something in the process of denial that makes the monsters we’re avoiding seem twice as big and much more ferocious than they actually are. When we finally confront them, they’re really not so scary after all. In fact, there’s often a silver lining. In my father’s case, one bright spot is that my Dad and stepmother now go on dates each Saturday afternoon for lunch and a movie. It’s something they both look forward to, and it makes Saturdays a special day.

I’m still learning from my father. He’s teaching me something about the futility of denial and the beauty of acceptance. I hope by sharing this challenge with you, you learn something too.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team,

The subject of this week’s challenge is perseverance. This morning, I had to sit myself down and have a short internal conversation about the necessity of persevering, even when I think I can’t, when I feel defeated, and I just don’t have one ounce of energy left to do much of anything.

The last few weeks have been challenging for me on the health front. Ironically, now that I’ve finally gotten my psychological and emotional life stable and relatively happy, my body wants to remind me that I have another birthday coming up this month and 60 is a little closer on the horizon. I have no relationship at all to what it means to be over 55 except that now I get discounts at some stores on Tuesdays. The knowledge that there are multiple generations of people younger than me is also hard to fathom. I try to do things the way I’ve always done them in the past, but they either don’t get done, or they don’t get done with the precision they used to, and I have to persevere to finish.

At the same time, I’m learning valuable lessons from aging and how to keep going when you think you can’t. First, I’ve had to delegate more and make better choices about what I take on. I recently hurt my clavicle and couldn’t work on my computer easily, so I asked a friend if she would finish a presentation I’m giving next week. It turned out to be great fun to work on that project with her, and she added a lot of value by asking questions and giving me new ideas. Because of her help, I was also able to fulfill other responsibilities that wouldn’t have gotten my attention.

Second, I’ve had to give myself a lot more time to do things and be satisfied that they aren’t going to get done as quickly. I don’t exercise patience easily: When I know something needs doing, I just go do it and don’t like waiting for anyone or anything that slows me down. But I don’t have the energy to dive in the way I used to, and I unexpectedly have found that giving situations a little more time sometimes yields unexpected benefits.

Third, when I think I’m out of options, I’m learning to just sit and accept what is. In the sitting and accepting, I’m finding a hidden source that often gives me that one last boost to persevere and open up more possibilities. Someone once told me that just when you think you’ve reached your limits, you find you can go just a little bit farther, and then your old limitations are no longer true and you have new limitations. I’m not sure how this works, but it seems right.

This week, explore ways you can persevere through tough situations. Maybe you’ve been trying to get something done at work and, no matter how you try, you keep hitting a brick wall. Try pausing for a bit and then moving forward again. Maybe you need to change your approach and try something new. Perhaps, like me, you’ve been experiencing health issues and don’t have the vitality you once did. Look at ways you can delegate a task or redesign your process. Maybe it’s just a matter of leaving a project until the next day, when your energy is renewed and you have a better attitude about completing it. Whatever it takes, try being more accepting. If you know you can’t get something done, try accepting that fact and then asking yourself, “OK, now what? Is there another way to make this happen?”

In her old age, my grandmother shared a lot of wisdom with me. She suffered most of her life from acute arthritis, and there were many times I saw her have to persevere just to make it through the day. She used to say, “Seems like old age fires up my spirit as much as it stiffens my bones.” Amen, sister.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team,

This past week the subject of setting healthy boundaries came up on several occasions. Here’s a previous challenge that addresses this subject.

The coach’s challenge this week is about setting healthy boundaries with people at work. Professional boundaries are important because they define the limits and responsibilities of the people with whom you interact in the workplace. When everyone in an organization is made aware who is responsible for what, healthier workplace environments are created. It then becomes very difficult for someone to blame others for their failed or inadequate performance and good job performance can clearly be identified.

When everyone on your team understands what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, team members feel safe in their roles. A smooth functioning organization is a tangible demonstration of the team leader’s commitment to their team’s success, which creates trust in leadership. It is the responsibility of every team leader to set the tone of the group by clearly defining acceptable and unacceptable workplace behavior. An effective leader understands that failing to define boundaries, having no boundaries, or having inappropriately rigid boundaries can have an unfavorable impact on their organization and employees. In some cases boundaries need to be firm. For example, lying, stealing, or verbally or physically abusing others is never allowed.

It may sound as if the responsibility to create a smooth functioning organization falls only upon the team leaders or managers; however team members have a role to play as well. It is the responsibility of everyone on the team to be willing to speak up to a colleague or supervisor and clearly define their problem and help find a resolution that works for the team.

Another important area that should be negotiated is interpersonal boundaries, because professional and interpersonal boundaries substantially impact workplace productivity and the quality of social environment. Interpersonal boundary parameters include:

* The tone people use with each other.
* The attitude and approach co-workers use with each other.
* The ability to focus on work objectives even with people you don’t
like or with whom you are having personal conflict.
* The ability to effectively set limits with others who have poor
boundaries.
* Clearly defining the consequences when a boundary is violated and
sticking to it.

Boundaries will have no meaning if your actions don’t back up your words.

Here are some suggestions for setting healthy boundaries with your team members:

1. Know your limits: what you can do well within the allotted time frame.
Don’t exaggerate your ability by overselling it. Give accurate estimates. Delivering a good product on time will improve your credibility, while missing deadlines or delivering a substandard product will only hurt your reputation.

2. Tactfully and openly communicate about goals and limitations.
Don’t try to undersell or misrepresent your ability. Underselling artificially prevents you from being able to demonstrate your professional skills, which might affect your career advancement. When discussing your limitations, focus on what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. Keep your focus on your positive intentions; ask for help when it’s needed to ensure good quality work; actively engage in problem solving, and don’t complain about the problem. Ensure that others are receiving the message you intended by asking for feedback when it’s not forthcoming.

3. Be available to discuss differences and reach agreements.
Reflect back your understanding of the other person’s needs, interests, and concerns. Attempt to negotiate win-win solutions.

4. Don’t be afraid to let someone know if they’re acting inappropriately. Work place bullying is much more common than we think; it can come in the form of expressing undo negativity towards another, intentionally excluding others from team activities, or ganging up on someone. It can also come in the form of domination by withholding information or not keeping one’s part of the bargain by actively engaging and contributing to the work. It’s important to let people know when they act out inappropriately and that it is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. The emotional health and safety of an organization depends on direct and clear communication when someone has trespassed on a professional and/or personal boundary.

This week, try setting healthy boundaries with your team members. You’ll find that establishing boundaries and priorities go hand in hand because they both help manage interpersonal relationships in the workplace. Together they go a long way toward establishing productive work environments based on trust. Competent and credible leaders understand these principles and consistently model them for their staff.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

* Special thanks to the Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FSAP) at UCSF for most of the information in this challenge. They are a great resource!

© Copyright 2009 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.