Honoring Our Soldiers

 

“All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers.” Francois Fenelon

This week, we’ll enjoy a day off on the 4th of July, the day we celebrate our country’s freedom through patriotic displays. Dramatic fireworks are the centerpiece of many July 4th celebrations – awe-inspiring displays symbolic of perhaps the greatest expression of patriotism, fighting in one’s country’s wars. This challenge is about honoring the soldiers who make that sacrifice.

Years ago, I had an unusual experience that reminded me of the wars we fight and the people who fight them for us. One evening, my husband and I headed off to have dinner with some friends. As we neared the restaurant, a railroad crossing brought us to a stop. The crossbars came down and the red railway lights blinked to let us know a train was coming. My husband commented, “Geez, now we’ll be late, this could take a while.” I agreed, with a long sigh.

As the train passed in front of us, we saw flatbed after flatbed carrying beat up armored personnel carriers, artillery, and ambulances with fading paint and camouflage. An armored personnel carrier (APC) is a fighting vehicle designed to transport infantry to, and hopefully from, the battlefield. Most are armed with a combination of artillery, machine guns, and mortars and are propelled by wheels or tracks.

I have seen army vehicles transported by train before. But this time was different – the APC’s were covered in dust, light colored desert dust, the kind of dust that comes from the sands of Afghanistan and Iraq. These foreign places seem very far away from my life in Portland – almost unreal. But they are very real to American soldiers fighting an often invisible enemy under very dangerous circumstances, in extreme weather conditions, with little relief.

A sinking feeling came over me as I imagined being a young soldier stuffed into a cramped metal box, dirty and sweaty, trying to breathe in suffocating heat, clueless about what might happen next – combat or boredom.

As the train continued to roll down the track, we sat in silence. Some of the APC’s had painted dragon heads with necks bent in the shape of a question mark. Others had long gun barrels with names stenciled on them such as “Athena”, “Duke” and “Delilah”. It seems odd that we humanize our weapons of war by naming them. Whatever the reason, I couldn’t ignore the ache in the pit of my stomach as I read them. There was something about seeing that dust and reading those names that made these wars in the Middle East so much more real.

I understood in that moment how easy it is to forget about these wars and the soldiers that fight them. It doesn’t really affect my daily life. Occasionally, I hear of someone I know who lost a loved one or said goodbye to one that has just shipped out. But, by and large, I don’t think about it much.

This week, in honor of July 4th, I plan to spend some time honoring those who go to war. I could start by raising my awareness of the huge human consequences of war – a very personal matter of life, death or terrible injury. I know there are many veterans and their families who need help. Perhaps I’ll donate money or time to help them find work. Maybe I’ll say a prayer for the soldiers who are currently fighting in Afghanistan or write a letter to one of my Dad’s old Navy buddies just to brighten his day. When I watch a fireworks display, I’ll think of those who have to watch the real thing.

 

Kathleen


		


		
	







	
	


		
What Not To Do if Your a Leader

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


I tend to focus on the strengths and positive aspects of any person or situation. This is often reflected in my posts since I believe that encouraging and inspiring others to take positive action is part of my job as a coach. Consequently, many of the posts revolve around what to do to improve a situation. However, this piece is about what not to do.


The following article comes from Steve Tobak, a consultant and former high-tech executive. Tobak offers “10 Things Managers Should Never Do” — meaning anyone in a management position, from first time managers to CEOs. 


“We’ve all had bosses do things we didn’t like, appreciate or respect. And every manager has done things they later regret. The business world is, by necessity, one of real-time decisions and judgment calls that sometimes turn out to be bad choices, in retrospect.


After all, nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes. And that’s a good thing, since that’s how we learn lessons, including how to do our jobs better. That goes for every employee, manager, executive, business owner, CEO, everyone.


But sometimes a mistake can become a slippery slope. An exception can all-too-easily become the rule. Simply put, there are lines that managers should not cross, behavior they should not exhibit, and not to be overly dramatic, pathways that lead more or less to the dark side.


In 10 Things Great Managers Do, I went back in time to the best characteristics of the best CEOs I’ve worked for and with over the past 30 years. I decided to do the same thing here for the simple reason that I learned as much from the negative experiences as I did from the positive ones.


Keep in mind, this isn’t meant to be a whine-fest to get employees riled up and pissed off at their bosses. Think of it instead as a standard that employees and managers alike can agree upon and, perhaps, a wakeup call for those who need one.


10 Things Managers Should Never Do


Order people around like dictators. Contrary to popular belief, managers are not dictators. Every manager has at least one boss. Even CEOs serve the board or directors and shareholders. Any manager who thinks he can order people around or abuse his authority because he’s the boss is a terrible leader. Employees are not soldiers or children. You can tell them what their job is and even fire them, if you want, but if you order them around, the good ones will up and quit, as they should.


Forget about customers. It never ceases to amaze me how many managers forget that organizations and companies exist for just one reason — to win, maintain and support customers. Business is about business, and when you make it about you — your issues, your fears, your empire, your thin skin, whatever — you cease to be an effective manager.


Behave like arrogant jerks that are better than others. Just to be clear, I’m not saying managers or bosses can’t be jerks. A lot of people are jerks, including plenty of employees, and almost everybody’s a jerk under certain circumstances. I’m specifically talking about the arrogant “I’m better than the little people’ thing. It makes you look like a little brat and completely neuters your authority and credibility.


Let their egos write checks that reality can’t cash. Oftentimes, leaders attain their position because they believe they’re special — a fascinating misconception that’s nevertheless often self-fulfilling. The problem with that is the slippery slope of drinking your own Kool-Aid. Either you grow up or, sooner or later, things end up unraveling. I’ve seen it time and again, and it isn’t pretty.


Publicly eviscerate employees. Of all the things I’ve experienced over the decades, this is not only the most dehumanizing but also the most demoralizing to employees. I had a couple of CEOs that practiced this on a regular basis, and both were universally despised, as a result. Moreover, both self-destructed in the end.


Wall off their feelings. This may sound touchy-feely, but it’s far from it. Researchers are fond of classifying executives and leaders as psychopathic, but the mechanism by which that happens is compartmentalizing of emotions. If you’ve ever wondered how people who seem to lack any semblance of humor or humility can behave the way they do, the answer is, if you’re not connected to your emotions, you’re far less human.


Surround themselves with bureaucrats, BSers and yes-men. When you encourage the status quo and discourage dissent, you doom the organization to stagnation and eventual decline.


Threaten. Threats don’t work. They’re just as likely to motivate the opposite behavior of what you’re trying to achieve. They diminish your authority and make you appear weak and small. You should communicate what you want and why, then act on the results. That works. Threats don’t. And for God’s sake, never threaten an employee with his job or a vendor with your business. That’s just out of control.


Act out like little children. Everyone goes through the same stages of human development on the road to adulthood and maturity. Unfortunately, some of us get stuck in one stage or another, stunting our growth and rendering us dysfunctional. We look just like ordinary adults, but we actually behave a lot more like children, acting out, throwing tantrums and generally making life miserable for everyone around us.


Break the law. America is a nation of laws, and civil or criminal, they’re black and white for a reason. For some reason, executives will sometimes risk everything — power, wealth, careers, families, everything — for motives most of us will never understand. We’re talking accounting, securities, bank, wire and mail fraud; insider trading; bribery; obstruction of justice; conspiracy; discrimination; harassment; it’s a long, long list.”


Ask yourself,  could your behavior be defined by one of these 10 categories? If so, you may have moved away from a management style that helps your people be successful into territory that is counterproductive, dysfunctional or destructive. If you find yourself doing any of these things, stop. Ask for help to stop. Get some feedback and suggestions from one of your peers or friends to help you find ways to avoid these dysfunctional behaviors. Hire a coach to help you draw out your more supportive behaviors. Talk with your people and culture manager to find professional development courses that can teach you effective ways to manage others.


As Albert Schweitzer said, “Example is leadership.”


Kathleen


Kathleen Doyle-White


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
The Difference Between Competition and Capitalism

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


I am not a fan of Peter Thiel, one of the founders of PayPal.  But, a few years back,  David Brooks wrote a very interesting article about him for the New York Times, “The Creative Monopoly” that illustrates a core concept in any company’s success.  I’d like to share a few paragraphs from that article in which he writes about the differences between competition and capitalism and how we often confuse the two.


“As a young man, Peter Thiel competed to get into Stanford. Then he competed to get into Stanford Law School. Then he competed to become a clerk for a federal judge. Thiel won all those competitions. But then he competed to get a Supreme Court clerkship.


Thiel lost that one. So, instead of being a clerk, he went out and founded PayPal. Then he became an early investor in Facebook and many other celebrated technology firms. Somebody later asked him, ‘So, aren’t you glad you didn’t get that Supreme Court clerkship?’


The question got Thiel thinking. His thoughts are now incorporated into a course he is teaching in the Stanford Computer Science Department. One of his core points is that we tend to confuse capitalism with competition. We tend to think that whoever competes best comes out ahead. In the race to be more competitive, we sometimes confuse what is hard with what is valuable. The intensity of competition becomes a proxy for value.


In fact, Thiel argues, we often shouldn’t seek to be really good competitors. We should seek to be really good monopolists. Instead of being slightly better than everybody else in a crowded and established field, it’s often more valuable to create a new market and totally dominate it. The profit margins are much bigger, and the value to society is often bigger too.


Now to be clear, when Thiel is talking about a ‘monopoly,’ he isn’t talking about the illegal eliminate-your-rivals kind. He’s talking about doing something so creative that you establish a distinct market, niche and identity. You’ve established a creative monopoly, and everybody has to come to you if they want that service, at least for a time.”


His lecture points to a provocative possibility: that the competitive spirit capitalism engenders can sometimes inhibit the creativity it requires.


Think about the traits that creative people possess. They don’t follow the crowds; they seek out the blank spots on the map. Creative people wander through faraway and forgotten traditions and then integrate marginal perspectives back to the mainstream. Instead of being fastest around the tracks everybody knows, creative people move adaptively through wildernesses nobody knows.


Now think about competitive environments that confront the most fortunate people today and how it undermines the creative mind-sets.


First, students have to jump through ever-more-demanding, preassigned academic hoops. Instead of developing a passion for one subject, they’re rewarded for becoming professional students, getting better grades across all subjects regardless of their intrinsic interests. Instead of wandering across strange domains, they have to prudentially apportion their time, making productive use of each hour.


Then they move into a ranking system in which the most competitive college, program and employment opportunity is deemed to be the best. There is a status funnel pointing to the most competitive colleges and banks and companies, regardless of their appropriateness.


Then they move into businesses in which the main point is to beat the competition, in which the competitive juices take control and gradually obliterate others goals. … Competition [trumps] value-creation. In this and other ways, the competitive arena undermines innovation.”


All of this got me thinking about the importance of not worrying about what the other guy is doing, but instead, using that energy to create something new or a niche in your market that no one else has inhabited yet.


I am reminded of my first job working for MCI in Washington, D.C. At that time, AT&T had the monopoly on all phone service in the U.S. It also owned the company that made the telephones. Jack Goeken, the founder and Bill McGowan, the  CEO of MCI, intended to create a microwave phone service for trucking companies between St. Louis and Chicago so the truckers could communicate far more effectively for a fraction of the cost. Everyone thought they were crazy. No one in the U.S. other than AT&T, was in the phone business. When MCI’s telecommunications system was finally up and running, the Wall Street Journal interviewed Bill and asked him how he could possibly think he could compete with AT&T. His response was, “I’m not competing with AT&T. I’m creating a completely different kind of telecommunications service, of which, in 10 years, MCI will only be one of many players.”


How prophetic his comments were. I remember that our mantra at MCI wasn’t, “We’re going to beat AT&T;” it was, “We’re creating a brand new way to communicate.” The latter statement was much more motivating for us.


Ask yourself if you’re competing or creating. Are you spending more time thinking about how to beat out your co-workers for the next promotion or creating new and different ways to work with your fellow team members? Maybe you’re thinking of creating something in your life that has nothing to do with your job. How about finding ways to nurture that creativity by spending time coming up with new ideas?


Maybe your job is to study what the competition is doing to give you an advantage. How about thinking about what your competition is not doing? Is there space in your market to create a niche no one else has thought of yet? Some companies have “idea rooms” where employees can go to for a week and do nothing but draw, paint, write and so on to come up with new product ideas, creative organizational structures and innovative services. How about giving yourself free license to spend time creating something new?


As Brooks writes in his article,


“We live in a culture that nurtures competitive skills. And they are necessary: discipline, rigor and reliability. But it’s probably a good idea to try to supplement them with the skills of the creative monopolist: alertness, independence and the ability to reclaim forgotten traditions.”


 


Kathleen



		


		
	







	
	


		
Good Ways to Deal With Anger

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


I’ve written a few posts about the experience of feeling anger.  When this happens to me I first try to observe it.    For me, that’s the first step and also part of the answer in dealing with anger. If I can observe it, then the part of me that is observing the anger is not under its control. Noticing this observer can begin to offer me a more neutral view of the stimulus that’s made me angry in the first place. I try not to suppress or rush into “fixing” the anger when it happens to me. There’s often much within it that I can learn from about myself and others. Allowing myself to experience it and inquire more deeply helps me understand much more about the stimulus response mechanism that is at the heart of the experience.


Here are some practical suggestions for how to deal with anger once it’s upon us.


    

  1. Feel your feet. When anger arises, it can be like jet rocket fuel coursing through the veins of an old Model-T Ford. What to do with all this explosive energy? I feel my feet. It immediately draws the energy down through the rest of my body, and the intense energy that collects in my chest and throat is more evenly distributed. It also creates more space in my chest for breathing, which decreases the anxiety that can come from shortness of breath and constriction in the throat. This practice takes some of the heat out of the fire and allows me to breathe.2.
    2. 

  2. Change the focus. When I’m angry, all my energy gets laser focused on the subject I’m angry about. If I can change my focus, even for a split second, it provides a different perspective and viewpoint. In the example I gave last week of wanting to vent all of my anger at the gas station attendant, I was able to change my focus for just a moment. As I drove into the gas station, I noticed that the sun had come out, and after a morning of rain, it was a welcome sight. This observation altered my mood just enough to begin to pull me out of it.3.
    3. 

  3. Try not to bundle. When we are angry, we tend to bundle unrelated things onto our current situation. Last week, I observed my thoughts starting to bundle as I was driving around looking for gasoline: “Why can’t I find any diesel gas? This would never happen in Europe! Why do American oil companies have such control over us?” and on and on and on. You can imagine all the other things I could have bundled onto that moment. Luckily, I was able to notice that I was doing this. When I drove into the gas station and saw the attendant smiling at another customer, it interrupted my chain of thought. His smile helped break up my angry thoughts, and I stopped myself from bundling something else onto the situation. I realized that this guy was not responsible for American oil companies and increasing my anger wasn’t going to help me get the gas I needed. This awareness also allowed me to respond in a more civil tone to him when he asked if he could help.
    4. 

  4. Remember what’s important to you. Anger makes us believe the only thing that’s really important is what we’re angry about. If you find yourself getting angry with your partner, for example, try stepping back to look at whatever is making you angry in the grand scheme of things. I don’t mean you can’t honestly communicate what’s bothering you, but seeing whatever it is in relative terms often decreases its importance and the burning desire we have to shout about it. Approaching the situation calmly and with some perspective gives you an opportunity to frame the message in a way that it can really be heard and received. I remember a friend telling me about how she was yelling at her husband about something while she was doing the dishes, and all of a sudden a glass broke in her hand. Her husband immediately ran to her side to help her wrap her hand to stop the bleeding. In that moment, the anger was immediately replaced by love and concern.5.
    5. 

  5. Be honest about what’s really going on. When I’m really angry with someone, I ask myself the five whys. Here’s an example:
    6. 



    

  • I can’t believe he did that to me again! Why?
    • 

  • Because he always does that to me. Why?
    • 

  • He’s trying to compete with me. Why?
    • 

  • He doesn’t respect me. Why?
    • 

  • He doesn’t respect anyone. Why?
    • 

  • He doesn’t respect himself.
    • 



If we take the time (and use that angry energy) to do some deeper inquiry into why we are feeling angry rather than just fight back, we have an opportunity to see what might be underlying a situation. Often once we have this deeper information, the anger can begin to dissolve.


6. Be honest in your communication. Taking responsibility for our anger is key. Nothing is more frustrating than to be in a room with a bunch of angry, resentful people who aren’t saying anything. Owning up to our feelings is critical when anger overtakes us. I would much rather have someone say, “Look, this makes me really angry, and we need to talk about it!” Rather than have someone sneer at me or make negative comments about me to someone else. Having the courage to say it like it is, but in such a way that we can be heard, is paramount to making our way through the anger in a much healthier way. We can clear the air rather than harbor the elephant in the room.


No one is comfortable with anger. We generally want to get rid of the energy as quickly as possible because it’s volatile and can be destructive. If we can’t express it, we want to fix it. But often the part of me that wants to fix it becomes angry when I can’t fix it and then that anger gets bundled in with the rest.


Being patient with the process of observing anger is actually harder than dispelling it. But the process of inquiry never lets me down. My inner world contains an entire universe that is worth exploring. And sometimes, the energy of anger is just what I need to propel me further into that unknown territory where the heart of the matter truly lies.


As the poet Ranier Maria Rilke advised, “Live the questions.” And if that doesn’t work for you, I hope the above suggestions will.


 


Kathleen


Kathleen Doyle-White



		


		
	







	
	


		
Poetry About Soldiers At War

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This post offers a few poems about soldiers and war that touch me deeply.  I have always found it to be a worthwhile exercise to find good ways to honor those who served their countrymen. Let us not forget those who have perished, those who’s lives have been marred by war, and those who continue to serve us.


As Toilsome I Wander’d Virginia’s Woods


As toilsome I wander’d Virginia’s woods,


To the music of rustling leaves kick’d by my feet, (for ’twas autumn,)


I mark’d at the foot of a tree the grave of a soldier;


Mortally wounded he and buried on the retreat, (easily all could understand,)


The halt of a mid-day hour, when up! No time to lose-yet this sign left,


On a tablet scrawl’d and nail’d on the tree by the grave,


Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.


Long, long I muse, then on my way go wandering,


Many a changeful season to follow, and many a scene of life,


Yet at times through changeful season and scene, abrupt, alone, or in the crowded street,


Comes before me the unknown soldier’s grave, come the inscription rude in Virginia’s woods,


Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.


~ Walt Whitman


Ten Minutes


It was ten minutes before the war

The quietest thing you ever saw

Ten minutes before the war

And everything was looking good


It was ten minutes during the war

The sickest thing you ever saw

Ten minutes during the war

And everything was dying fast


break


It was ten minutes after the war

The emptiest thing you ever saw

Ten minutes after the war

And there was nothing left


No more war

Is that what it takes for

No more war


No more war

Is that what it takes for

No more war


It was ten minutes.


~ Colin Coplin


Upon the Arid Lakes


Someplace

A field of flowers

Rousing under remnants of the dawn:

Out there! from death, I rose

Above the silent many –

A distant will-o’-the-wisp

Reflecting under airs of minor ninths –

How rich the ambience they threw!


What theme of prosody

Had rendered me? –

Tho’ silent were its words:

A broken soul in pulsing pain –

Thou mustn’t guess what goes behind

The sick and ghostly screen of war!


In sallow-grey and other ashen hues,

Disrobed of warming flesh

That reassures the bones,

A twisted pose

Portrayed my physicality –

Not unlike the carcass of a prey;


But as a cloud of thought, I mused,

Exacerbating woes

Collected in a life dispatched

In freely flowing blood,

Conferring crimson shades

Upon the arid lakes aflood

With glorious tides of nascent buds

Begetting innocence.


And as we glowed in ruddy shades,

I asked: ‘What future lies ahead?

What terror trades? ’


~ Mark R. Slaughter


 


Have a good week!


Kathleen


Kathleen Doyle-White


Pathfinders Coaching


(503) 296-9249 office

		


		
	







	
	


		
The Perils of Separating Ourselves From Others

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This post is about how we separate ourselves from others including family, co-workers and friends.


All of us experience this sense of being separate from time to time. Sometimes it’s caused by a succession of failures, too much stress, or being out of sorts with family members or friends. Whatever the cause, when I feel disconnected from others, it is frequently accompanied by a state of depression and I experience a lot of negative thoughts:


    

  • “No one understands me.”
    • 

  • “Why do I have to do this all on my own?”
    • 

  • “No one likes me, so it won’t matter whether I show up or not.”
    • 

  • “I’m such a failure, I can’t do anything right.”
    • 

  • “I’m really an impostor here; if people really knew that I have no idea what I’m doing, I’d never have a job.”
    • 



All of these thoughts have the ring of separation to them. In these moments, I see myself as separate from the team, from my family, from my friends. I’m not like them. I’m different in some way.


When I work with teams, I often notice that someone on the team is separating themselves from the others. They may do this by not responding when asked to participate or by having the attitude that they know more than the rest of the group. If someone acts in an antagonistic or provocative way, it can separate him or her from the team. At the same time, feeling like a victim can separate a person from the whole. Even leaders who see themselves as powerful or authoritative can begin to feel separate from their teams. Whether a person sees him- or herself as special or insignificant, the results can be the same: separation.


This feeling of separateness is an illusion. Although we play different roles in our lives, we are all connected to one another. When we forget our connection to all other living beings, we start to get into trouble. I may think the Japanese tsunami last year was an event separate from me, but the remaining debris from that tsunami’s aftermath is about to show up on our west coast shores. I can judge my neighbors and feel like I’m better or smarter — until I need to call them for help. Will they judge me in return in that moment? What about when a fellow team member needs to pick up some of my job responsibilities when I’m out sick? I hope he or she won’t be feeling separate from me and will be able to see the importance of supporting me when I need it. Every action we take impacts someone else somewhere, somehow.


The best metaphor for this is the ocean and the wave. In our various roles, we show up as a wave. Sometimes waves are big and powerful, and other times, they roll calmly onto the shore. Waves can be bright and beautiful with white, frothy crests and deep blue colors or dark and grey with a slick surface. Just as we can be bright and beautiful or dark and grey, our various personalities show up as waves. Believing that our wave is separated from all the other waves can make us feel alone — but in reality, we are part of a huge ocean. That ocean is made of water and the water is what makes up the waves. Without the ocean, there is no wave. Without the rest of humanity, there is no one person.


Do some self inquiry and ask yourself whether you’ve separated yourself from others in some part of your life. Do you pride yourself in being different and, in turn, think you’re better than or less than others? How about with your family — are you the black sheep or the odd one or the best one? Do you separate yourself by spending most of your time alone? Do you not pay attention to others when you’re in a meeting and separate your attention away from everyone else? When you resist participating, what is it in you that thinks you’re not connected to everyone else? If you envision a sports team playing on the field, what if someone kicks the ball to their teammate and their teammate decides not to play anymore? Doesn’t the game stop? We are indeed each unique individuals, but it’s important to understand that what makes us special doesn’t need to separate us from others. In fact, that’s what makes teams so great — all of those unique qualities and strengths directed toward a common goal.


The older I get, the more I appreciate how connected we are to all living things. We were not put here to be alone and belonging to each other is one of the great gifts of humankind.


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Revel In Your Abundance

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This post is about abundance. Look around you. What do you see? Do you have everything you need? Do you have everything you want? What is the difference? Are you grateful for what you have, or do you find yourself constantly longing for what you don’t have?


This reminds me of a novel I read entitled “Shantaram” by Gregory Roberts, about life in the slums of Bombay, India. Most of the characters in this book live in small, handmade huts on the outskirts of the city. They own a change of clothes, a toothbrush, a cup, a plate, a fork and a mat to sleep on. (And these are the lucky ones!) I am amazed at how happy these people are and how they experience abundance in their lives. They are grateful for the smallest things because they have so little. I also read another novel about a young girl who was born into a family of billionaires and has all she’s ever wanted. Her life is characterized by continual displeasure with everyone and everything around her. The contrast between the two stories is obvious: Abundance is not about having more and more things but about our attitude toward the things we have.


We live in a world of enormous wealth and consumerism. The selection of products is overwhelming at times. Do you ever find yourself in the store unable to decide among the 30 brands of laundry detergent on the shelf? The time I often spend analyzing which brand to buy is actually worth far more to me than any benefit I might derive from saving money or getting better quality with the “right” choice. I’m actually happier if I have a more limited selection. Faced with too many options, I chafe for what isn’t available, and then I’m dissatisfied with what is.


Cultivating an awareness of our surroundings is one of the best ways to experience abundance. Observe the beauty of each season.  Spring is a great example.  The power of nature is everywhere. Wildflowers are in bloom, trees are resplendent in many different shades of green, and the increasing warm weather draws us outside to revel in nature’s abundance. Each of us can experience this wonderful season but only if we take the time to see it, smell it, touch it.  Every season has it’s own special characteristics that we can revel in. Finding ways to experience these delights increases my feelings of abundance and gratitude for what I experience in my life.


Take a moment or two to appreciate the abundance in your life. Do you have plenty to eat? Are you surrounded by people who love you? Maybe you live in a beautiful place and always have the wonders of nature around you. Perhaps your home brings you great pleasure as you soak in your tub, spend many wonderful hours in your garden or relax in your easy chair. Whatever abundance is around you, give yourself time to revel in it.


When we feel abundant, we tend to attract abundance. When we cultivate an attitude of scarcity, our minds focus on what we don’t have, and in turn, we attract less of what we need and want. Try finding something in your environment this week that makes you truly grateful. Experience how happy and abundant this appreciation makes you feel. Enjoy life as William Blake expressed it in “Auguries of Innocence”:


To see a World in a grain of sand

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,

And Eternity in an hour.


 


Kathleen


 


© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

		


		
	







	
	


		
How Do What You Love is Often Bad Advice and How To Use Your Strengths

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This week’s post comes from the author and blogger, Penelope Trunk. Her book “Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success” is a must read for anyone trying to figure out what career to follow or how to be more successful in a current job. The book includes 45 tips that are brazenly unconventional, bold and radical.






Because I’m an avid fan of Joseph Campbell and his advice to “follow your bliss,” this blog entry from Trunk definitely caught my eye. Have a look:




The Worst Career Advice: Do What You Love


By Penelope Trunk






“One of the worst pieces of career advice that I bet each of you has not only received but given is to ‘do what you love.’


Forget that. It’s absurd. I have been writing since before I even knew how to write — when I was a preschooler I dictated my writing to my dad. And you might not be in preschool, but if you are in touch with who you are, that sort of behavior continues: You do what you love no matter what, because you love it, not because you get paid to do it.


So you will say, ‘But look. Now you are getting paid to do what you love. You are so lucky.’ But it’s not true. I mean, there are things I enjoy more, and I discover new things I love all the time. We are each multifaceted, multilayered and complicated, and if you are reading this blog, you probably devote a large part of your life to learning about yourself. And self-discovery is a process; none us loves just one thing.


Career decisions are not decisions about what do I love most. Career decisions are about what kind of life do I want to set up for myself. After all, how could you possibly pick one thing you love to do?


The world reveals to you all that you love by what you spend time on. Try stuff. If you like it, you’ll go back to it. I recently tried Pilates. I didn’t want to try, but a friend said she loved the teacher, so I went. I loved it. I have taken it three times a week ever since, and it’s changed me.


Often, the thing we should do for our career is something we would only do if we were getting a reward. If you tell yourself that your job has to be something you’d do even if you didn’t get paid, you’ll be looking for a long time. Maybe forever. So why set that standard? The reward for doing a job is contributing to something larger than you are, participating in society and being valued in the form of money.


The pressure we feel to find a perfect career is insane. And given that people are trying to find it before they are 30 in order to avoid both a quarter-life crisis and a biological clock crisis,  the pressure is enough to push people over the edge. Which is why one of the highest risks for depression in life is in one’s early 20s when people realize how totally impossible it is to simply ‘do what you love.’


Here’s some practical advice: Do not what you love; do what you are. It’s how I chose my career. I bought the book with that title — maybe my favorite career book of all time — and I took the quickie version of the Myers-Briggs test. The book gave me a list of my strengths and a list of jobs where I would likely succeed based on those strengths.


Relationships make your life great,  not jobs. But a job can ruin your life — make you feel out of control in terms of your time or your ability to accomplish goals — but no job will make your life complete. It’s a myth mostly propagated by people who tell you to do what you love. Doing what you love will make you feel fulfilled. But you don’t need to get paid for it.


A job can save your life though.  If you are lost and lonely and wondering how you’ll ever find your way in this world, take a job. Any job. Because structure and regular contact with regular people and a method of contributing to a larger group are all things that help us recalibrate ourselves.


So if you are overwhelmed with the task of ‘doing what you love,’ you should recognize that you are totally normal, and maybe you should just forget it. Just do something that caters to your strengths. Do anything.


And if you are so overwhelmed that you feel depression coming on, consider that a job might save you. Take one. Doing work and being valued in the community is important. For better or worse, we value people with money. Earn some. Doing work you love is not so important. We value love in relationships. Make some.”


Trunk offers much to think about in this blog post. None of us have the luxury of only doing work that compliments our strengths. But if you’re lucky enough to be part of a team, the work can be divided in such a way as to play to each team members’ strengths. A smart manager quickly tunes into everyone’s strengths and aligns responsibilities accordingly. This makes for a much happier group of people who support rather than detract from one another. It’s often in the relationships we form at work that we receive our greatest gifts and challenges.


If we follow Trunk’s advice and don’t expect our job to make our life complete, then we accept what a job can actually do for us. A job can provide part of what we need in life to succeed — by our own definition, not anyone else’s. Many other aspects of our life can provide the deeper satisfaction and joy we seek. If we expect our jobs to give us everything, we will probably get disappointed.


Consider your strengths and try aligning your job responsibilities with your strengths. If you’re not aware of what your top strengths are, take a strengths assessment to find out. You can easily go to the Gallup website and take the Strengthsfinder assessment. There are also lots of books on the topic: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham, “StrengthsFinder 2.0” by Tom Rath, “Strengths-Based Leadership” by Tom Rath and Barry Conchie. All of these books help you discover your strengths and learn to use them in your job. They also all have instructions for how you can go online to discover your strengths.


Dr. Donald O. Clifton, cited by the American Psychological Association as the father (and now the grandfather) of strengths psychology, wrote, “A strength is something you like to do, are good at and learn quickly.”


Sounds good to me!


 


Kathleen


 


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Good Ways to Remove Self-Doubt

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This post comes from a quote I read by the great French novelist and playwright, Honore de Balzac.


“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.”


I think we all know what Balzac was referring to. When we set out to accomplish something that doesn’t go exactly as we expected, or when our ideas or actions are rejected by others, we immediately experience self-doubt. Our inner voices are suddenly fueled by negative thoughts that say things like, “My idea was stupid in the first place”, or “No one ever appreciates what I do”, or “What made you think you could accomplish this in the first place? What a fool!” and so on.


This experience of self-deprecation is one of the greatest ways we sabotage ourselves. We give our power away to that self-doubt and shy away from what we were trying to do in the first place.


How many of us sat at the dinner table growing up and were asked this question by a parent. “What did you do today at school?” Our parents were expecting us to describe what we had achieved, not how we had failed. “Well Dad, I got a B+ on my history test.” “Great son, what else?” Again, tell me what you accomplished.


Imagine how the conversation might have gone if Dad had congratulated us for our failures as well as our successes. Here’s a great example of what can happen when failure is encouraged.


Sara Blakely is the founder of Spanx, a highly successful company that makes women’s undergarments. I recall when I saw Sara was on the cover of Forbes magazine and recognized as one of this country’s newest billionaires. She built her fortune by conceiving, designing, and manufacturing a product that millions of women around the world wear. It’s a bit like a modern day version of a girdle. Call it panty hose without the hose.


Sara didn’t come up with this over night. She was involved in a number of start-up ventures before she launched Spanx. They all failed miserably. But unlike many of us, she never got discouraged. She never allowed self-doubt to disempower her. She just kept coming up with new ideas and trying to turn them into successful businesses.


When Sara and her brother were growing up, their father asked them a completely different question at dinner time – “How did you fail today?” When they answered the question, their Dad would respond, “Gee, that’s great. You learned another set of lessons about what works and doesn’t work. Good job!”


When I read about Sara’s father asking this question, I realized that he was helping to teach some valuable lessons:


    

  1. failure is to be expected whenever we try to achieve something new
    2. 

  2. what we learn from failing can be most important.
    3. 



Instead of criticizing his children for failure, he did just the opposite. Consequently, Sara grew up more than willing to take risks, try out new ideas and products, fall on her face more than a few times, and still get up everyday with the attitude that she was doing the right thing – because she was failing! Think of how different your life would be if you had been raised to embrace and celebrate your failures? The whole notion of success and failure would be turned on it’s head.


This came as a revelation to me a few years back when I realized that I made many decisions from fear rather than from desire. I wanted to write a book of poetry when I was in my 20’s but I was too afraid of criticism. I wanted to go back to school and get an advanced degree. But I was too afraid that the work load would prevent me from attending to my business and that I wouldn’t make enough money. I wanted to learn how to play piano again. But I was afraid I wasn’t committed enough to practice and that it would be a waste of my time.  The list goes on and on. In each case, the more I heeded my fear and inner negative voices, the more empowered they became. Eventually, they became powerful enough to talk me out of doing what I wanted to do and feel justified in not doing them.


One day, I got angry enough to change. I wasn’t going to continue to listen to my self-doubt. I was going to start making decisions based on what I wanted to do. I felt like Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, when, after many years of war and destitution, she reached into the earth, grabbed a clump of dirt and raised it to the sky exclaiming, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!” Well, as my God was my witness, I wasn’t going to let fear lead my life!


I had to come up with ways to neutralize my self-doubt so that it wouldn’t become so convincing. I needed to find ways to convert doubt and defeat into empowerment and courage.


I discovered some things that helped me and offer them here as suggestions that might help you have more trust in yourself :


1. Get grounded through presence


I often find that when I’m experiencing a lot of self-doubt, the simple act of trying to be present brings me out of it. This requires focusing on my attention on something very specific (like feeling my feet or my breath) to bring me into the moment and change the subject. Sometimes I focus on a sound, or a picture, or a sensation. Sometimes, going for a short walk will immediately pull me out of my negative thoughts and refresh me. Talking with a colleague or friend can work as well.


2. Balance the minuses with pluses


If you naturally see the glass half empty, try seeing it half full. If you still can’t focus on the positive aspects of something, ask someone who you know sees the world naturally as half full. There are always losses and gains to everything, but focusing only on the losses keeps us in that negative place. I often ask my clients to tell me what they gained from having worked with me. I keep their comments written down and review them whenever I find myself in a particularly bad bout of self-deprecating thoughts.


3. Find what makes you feel good


Finding yourself in a funk can be remedied by doing something that makes you feel good. Find what nurtures you and do it. Maybe you enjoy listening to music or reading books. How about having your significant other massage your hands or feet? Sometimes, when I’m feeling overwhelmed by self-doubt, I take a hot bath. My husband finds his joy in playing, writing and arranging music. This always changes his state of mind and heart. Make sure you make time in your day to play at whatever you enjoy and get enough sleep. All of these things will help you maintain a healthier state of mind and body.


4. Reach out to others and connect


As much as we can try to do things for ourselves in our moments of self-doubt, reaching out to others for help is essential. This is where coaches and therapists, teachers and mentors really come in handy. They are trained to listen and support us when we need it most. We can also benefit from acting in this role for another. One of my favorite ways to neutralize my self-doubt is by coaching someone else. Just by taking the focus off of me and being present to them, I automatically benefit from the interaction. And, it always gives me a different view finder through which to look. Even reaching out to a co-worker or friend and asking how they see something can help us adopt a more positive point of view.


If you experience bouts of self-doubt and deprecation, try some of these suggestions to get those thoughts out of your mind. No one ever got anywhere by listening to their inner thoughts telling they couldn’t do something. See if one of these methods helps you cultivate a different set of thoughts that serve you better. How about working on your attitudes about success and failure? Maybe just seeing it completely differently is enough to encourage you to keep going.


Having the courage and determination to keep trying in the midst of failure seems to be one of the major keys to success. When you experience self-doubt, don’t give it any more power than it already has.


As Steve Jobs powerfully reminded us,


“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”


~ Steve Jobs, Co-Founder and CEO of Apple Computer


 


Kathleen



		


		
	







	
	


		
A Poem About Kindness

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
I often think about what it means to be kind.  Life is challenging and extending kindness to ourselves and others if often difficult.  But, whenever I experience kindness within myself or from others, I am so grateful for it.


Here is a beautiful poem about kindness that my dear friend Vanessa shared with me.


Kindness


Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.


Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.


Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.


Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

it is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you every where

like a shadow or a friend.


~ Naomi Shahib Nye 


Maybe you have a poem or excerpt of prose that speaks to you about kindness or some other human characteristic that inspires you.  Perhaps you find a theme in a book or a piece of music that inspires you.  Whatever it is, offer yourself a kind moment by enjoying it.


Kathleen