11/25/12 “A Gift”

Good day, team.

 

I hope all my subscribers enjoyed a long holiday weekend. We work hard, and it is rare that we allow ourselves the luxury of true rest and relaxation. The holidays give us time to reflect on the accomplishments and challenges of the past year and to ponder the coming new year and the opportunities it may bring.

 

Your challenge this week is to carve out some time for yourself in the next four weeks for reflection and gratitude. Think about the gifts that life has bestowed upon you in this past year and be thankful for the abundance that surrounds you. Consider the challenges that you’ve encountered and how you’ve learned from them, how you’ve grown in dealing with them and consider how you’ve changed. Revel in the love that others have bestowed upon you. And give yourself a gift for having lived another year that expanded your mind and opened your heart.

 

My gift to myself this holiday is a poem from the Pulitzer Prize–winning poet, Mary Oliver. I encourage you to find a gift that speaks to your heart, as Oliver’s poem does to mine.

 

Of Love

 

I have been in love more times than one,

thank the Lord. Sometimes it was lasting

whether active or not. Sometimes

it was all but ephemeral, maybe only

an afternoon, but not less real for that.

They stay in my mind, these beautiful people,

or anyway people beautiful to me, of which

there are so many. You, and you, and you,

whom I had the fortune to meet, or maybe

missed. Love, love, love, it was the

core of my life, from which, of course, comes

the word for the heart. And, oh, have I mentioned

that some of them were men and some were women

and some — now carry my revelation with you —

were trees. Or places. Or music flying above

the names of the makers. Or clouds, or the sun

which was the first, and the best, the most

loyal for certain, who looked so faithfully into

my eyes, every morning. So I imagine

such love of the world — its fervency, its shining, its

innocence and hunger to give of itself — I imagine

this is how it began.

 

~ Mary Oliver

 

Have a good week!

 

Kathleen

 

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

 

 

 

11/18/12 “Team Collaboration”

Good morning, team.

Team collaboration continues to be an important topic for me in my coaching practice. I recently read a study conducted jointly by the Concours Institute and the Cooperative Research Project of London Business School. They sent surveys to team members and leads, executives and human resources leaders at a variety of companies in different industries. The results surprised me in some cases and, in others, confirmed many of my observations about effective team collaboration.

Many companies rely on large teams of highly educated specialists to complete major projects. These teams consist of people from diverse backgrounds, often from many locations, who are brought together to meet an urgent need. They work together virtually, collaborating online and over long distances.

In the above-mentioned study, an interesting paradox became clear. Although teams that are large, virtual, diverse and composed of highly specialized professionals seem essential to major projects, these factors also make it extremely hard to get anything done.

The study showed that when team size increases beyond 20 members, the level of cooperation decreases substantially. Members are much less likely to share knowledge freely, learn from one another, shift workloads flexibly, or identify bottlenecks and help each other move through them. And, in my experience, subteams that work on just a portion of a major initiative get folded into a much larger corporate team and often get lost in the shuffle.

The study further discussed how the strengths of a team can become its weaknesses. Diverse knowledge and views can spark new insights and innovation. However, the less people were familiar with others on the team (their background, history with the organization, views and behaviors), the less likely they were to share knowledge.

Virtual participation is a way of life in all companies these days. Only 40 percent of the teams studied had members all in one place; the other 60 percent did not. The research shows that as a team becomes more virtual, collaboration declines. Unfortunately, the old saying “out of sight, out of mind” applies.

Highly educated people with a specific area of expertise bring a lot to the table in terms of knowledge and experience. However, the greater the proportion of highly specialized people on the team, the more likely team members were to argue from their sole viewpoint. In other words, if team members think they know it all, they’re often unwilling to learn from others or experiment with new ideas.

The study offered eight recommendations for successful collaboration:

  • Invest in environments that encourage strong relationships, such as open floor plans to foster communication, increased travel budgets so people can interact face to face, and meeting spaces that encourage activities beyond just sitting around a table so people can interact on many different levels. Anything that demonstrates a commitment to collaboration sends the right message.
  • Model collaborative behavior. At companies where senior executives demonstrated highly collaborative behavior, the rest of the team members also did.
  • Create a “gift culture” rather than a “tit-for-tat culture” — or rather, develop a culture based on coaching and mentoring. Such a culture helps team members build networks across an organization that they can use to do their work. Daily coaching increases people’s level of cooperation as well as their ability to feel empowered to take ownership. The study demonstrated that in such an environment, team members were less likely to blame others when things didn’t get done and were more willing to help them out when needed.
  • Teach people relationship skills, such as appreciating others, being able to engage in purposeful conversations, resolving conflicts productively and creatively, and managing programs.
  • Support a strong sense of community. When team members feel they are part of a community, they feel more comfortable reaching out to others. When a situation is not emotionally safe, people are reluctant to participate.
  • Assign team leaders who are good at getting tasks done and building relationships. The study found that focusing on task orientation at the beginning of the project and later focusing on relationships is most effective. Regardless of seniority, team members who weren’t willing to take on tasks and deliver results were seen as untrustworthy.
  • Build on the existing relationships within the team. Include a few people who already know each other to help establish a model of behavior that new members can emulate.
  • Be clear about roles, responsibilities and tasks. The study showed that cooperation increased dramatically the more sharply defined these elements were for team members.

This week, consider the size and effectiveness of your teams. Are you investing in their ability to relate and collaborate? How well are team members exchanging ideas and being open to each other? Is everyone on the team aware of roles, responsibilities and ownership tasks? Does everyone feel safe working together?

Don’t assume that just because a bunch of people are assigned to work on a project that collaboration will occur automatically. Try using some of the above suggestions to help your team members work more successfully together.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

 

11/11/12 “When Things Fall Apart”

Good day team,

 

The theme of this week’s challenge is about coping with situations when things fall apart.

 

A few days ago, I learned that a child of one of my clients died in a terrible accident. This put me into a state of shock and despair. What could I do? I felt so helpless. My heart went out to my dear client and her family. Her loss reminded me how impermanent life is and how we take it for granted.

 

I found comfort in the wisdom of a Buddhist nun named Pema Chodron. She is a prolific author and well known Buddhist teacher. In 1997, she wrote a book entitled, “When Things Fall Apart.” I have found her thoughts to be very helpful in times of difficulty.

 

Here is some of what Pema Chodron has to say about dealing with loss and uncertainty.

 

“When the bottom falls out and we can’t find anything to grasp, it hurts a lot. It’s like the Naropa Institute motto: “Love of the truth puts you on the spot.” We might have some romantic view of what that means, but when we are nailed with the truth, we suffer. We look in the bathroom mirror and there we are with pimples, our aging face, our lack of kindness, our aggression and timidity – all that stuff.

 

“This is where tenderness comes in. When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. There is definitely something tender and throbbing about groundlessness.

 

“It’s a kind of testing, the kind of testing that spiritual warriors need in order to awaken their hearts. Sometimes it’s because of illness or death that we find ourselves in this place. We experience a sense of loss – loss of our loved ones, loss of our youth, loss of our life.

 

“I have a friend dying of AIDS. Before I was leaving for a trip, we were talking. He said, “I didn’t want this, and I hated this, and I was terrified of this. But it turns out that this illness has been my greatest gift.” He said, “Now, every moment is so precious to me. All the people in my life are so precious to me. My whole life means so much to me.” Something had really changed, and he felt ready for his death. Something that was horrifying and scary had turned into a gift.

 

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

 

“When we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don’t know what’s really going to happen. When we think something is going to give us misery, we don’t know. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. We try to do what we think is going to help. But, we don’t know. We never know if we’re going to fall flat or sit up tall. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a great adventure.

 

“I read somewhere about a family who had only one son. There were very poor. This son was extremely precious to them, and the only thing that mattered to his family was that he bring them some financial support and prestige. Then he was thrown from a horse and crippled. It seemed like the end of their lives. Two weeks after that, the army came into the village and took away all the healthy, strong men to fight in the war, and this young man was allowed to stay behind and take care of his family.

 

“Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.

 

“The very first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last – that they don’t disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security. From this point of view, the only time we ever know what’s really going on is when the rug has been pulled out and we can’t find anywhere to land. We use these situations to either wake us up or put us back to sleep. Right now – in the very instant of groundlessness – is the seed of taking care of those who need our care and of discovering our goodness.

 

“Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It’s a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs.”

 

This week, your challenge is to try not to escape your pain and suffering. Instead, try following Pema Chodron’s advice about “moving toward painful situations to the best of your ability with friendliness and curiosity, relaxing into the essential groundlessness of our entire situation. It is there, in the midst of chaos, that we can discover the truth and love that are indestructible.”

 

This week has reminded me of what’s important to me. It’s allowed me to show my appreciation for the life and people that surround me. It has opened up opportunities to be kind to others. It’s a great comfort to extend kindness out to another when you are suffering yourself. And, if suffering has caused your life to fall apart, let it fall. Trying to prevent real suffering is like trying to catch sand falling through open fingers. Things will change and one day, you will notice the suffering is gone and you are experiencing joy.

 

“Giving up hope is encouragement to stick with yourself, to make friends with yourself, to not run away from yourself, to return to the bare bones, no matter what’s going on. Fear of death is the background of the whole thing. It’s why we feel restless, why we panic, why there’s anxiety. But if we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death.” Pema Chodron

 

Have a good week!

 

Kathleen

 

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

 

11/4/12 “Compromising your integrity for your career”

Good day, team.

 

This past week, I’ve been thinking about what happens when an event at work causes us to question our own integrity. This week’s challenge is about these kinds of dilemmas — when we are faced with the difficult choice of protecting our integrity or doing what seems right for our career.

 

Here’s a good example:

 

One of my clients was part of an executive team in a company. He reported to the CEO along with five other people, each representing one of the core functions in the organization — finance, technology, marketing, sales and operations. He had been in his role for about two years when he began to understand that the CEO was lying. He first experienced this when he flew from Chicago to New York for an important customer meeting. The CEO had asked him to attend the meeting and gave him detailed instructions about what results the company hoped to achieve through the discussions. When my client asked if the CEO would also attend, she said, “Of course, we’ll both be there. This is too important of a deal for me not to attend. But we will position ourselves better if you lead the discussion and do the negotiating. I’ll be there to support you, and our customers will see that by my being there, this deal is our top priority.”

 

My client prepared diligently, and when he boarded the plane, he felt confident that the meeting would go well. The next day, he settled into a chair in the reception area at his customer’s offices. His boss wasn’t there yet, and he hadn’t heard from her. He began to scroll through e-mail on his phone and found an early morning message from her. He was shocked to read that his boss would not be attending the meeting. Something had come up that prevented her from making the trip, but she didn’t say what it was. She wished him luck and asked that he call her as soon as the meeting was over to let her know how it had gone.

 

His heart rate increased and his throat tightened as he saw his customers coming down the hallway to greet him. What had happened? How could she miss this important meeting with their top customer? How would he explain her absence? He didn’t want to lie, but he thought he’d better come up with a pretty good excuse. And what did she expect from him? Was he supposed to shoulder this one all on his own?

 

The customer’s first question was, “Where’s your boss this morning?” My client felt his face redden and replied, “She had a family emergency come up at the last minute.” As he looked his most important customer in the eye, he could tell this guy knew he was lying. But he could do nothing about it. He had to play his role the best he could, even if he had to lie and compromise his own integrity.

 

After the meeting, his boss didn’t answer when he called to tell her how it had gone, so he left a message. Later that day, he received an email from her saying how pleased she was with his efforts and that she had every confidence the deal would turn out the way they hoped. She also said she was sorry she couldn’t be there but staying in the home office had been important for her to do. They could talk more when he returned to the office.

 

Two days later, after other meetings in New York, my client boarded his flight back to Chicago, still depressed by what had happened. He still couldn’t resolve the nagging feeling he had about lying to his customer. How would the customer be able to trust him going forward? Why did his boss put him in that position? He couldn’t say, “She blew off the meeting.” Should he have said something else? But anything short of “family emergency,” would have implied that this meeting was not her top priority. My client tried to rationalize his actions by saying to himself, “My customer isn’t stupid, he knows that anyone put in my shoes would have done the same thing. What difference did it really make anyway?”

 

As he settled into his seat, much to his surprise, he saw his boss board the plane and sit down in first class. Not only had she lied about not being able to attend the meeting, but she was actually in New York all along! Anger replaced shock, and for the rest of the trip, my client seethed. He felt betrayed and duped. Underneath the anger was fear. What did this mean? Why was she doing this to him? Was she planning to put him in a position to fail so she could fire him? What would this mean for his family? His son was a year away from going to Stanford. How could he afford to send him there without a job?

 

As he walked through the terminal after deplaning, my client kept his head down. He didn’t want to see her for fear that he would completely lose it and express his anger toward her.

 

After a sleepless night, my client arrived at his office the following morning caught in a quandary. Should he confront his boss, tell her he saw her on the airplane and ask for an explanation? Should he avoid the conversation all together? He knew what was politically correct, but what was he going to do about his anger, frustration, sense of betrayal and desire to tell the truth?

 

Later that morning, when he met with his boss to review his trip, he could not stay quiet. His desire to clear the air, tell the truth and ask her for an explanation became too great.

 

As their meeting began to wind down, he finally asked “Can you level with me here? I saw you on the flight back to Chicago yesterday, which means you were actually in New York. Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you attend the meeting? What’s going on?” One eyebrow raised slightly, as his boss remarked, “Oh, I didn’t get a chance to tell you. I had to make a quick turnaround trip to New York to talk with some of our analysts.” There was a slight possibility that she was telling him the truth, but his intuition knew she was lying. He understood in that moment that she was now just piling lies on top of lies and that trying to get to the truth would be a waste of time.

 

As he left her office, he thought, “Whatever trust I had in this woman is gone. I better watch my back from now on.”

 

To make matters worse, weeks later, in the quarterly meeting with their board of directors, his boss described the trip to negotiate the deal with their best customer in New York as if she actually had attended. She took credit for the work he had done as though she had negotiated the deal herself. He watched in a state of complete disbelief and resentment when she didn’t even mentioned all the work he had done. He got no credit. Just when he thought he couldn’t bare the lies any longer, during the break, the chairman approached him and asked in a low voice, “Tell me Dave, how did the meeting in New York really go?” Although my client was encouraged by the chairman’s obvious acknowledgement of his role in the deal, he was now being challenged to speak the truth about what really happened and, in doing so, reveal his boss’ lack of integrity.

 

These things happen to all of us from time to time as we try to navigate our way through our daily jobs. Whether we are part of an executive team or a part-time clerk working in an accounting office, we all see things that make us question whether something is being done right and if the people we work with are telling the truth. How should we handle these situations? Do we just play our roles as best as we can, even if it means we have to lie or cheat to cover for our bosses, team members or directors? My example may not seem like a big deal, but for my client, the inner turmoil it created was torture. He was placed on the razor’s edge between being true to himself and doing the right thing versus doing what he thought he had to do to keep his job and not confront his boss’ lack of integrity. As a result, he no longer trusted his boss and spent the rest of his time at the company in fear and trepidation about his career. Eventually, he left.

 

In his new job, my client often encounters similar situations but not to the degree he did in his previous position. He was careful when selecting his new job and asked about his potential new boss’ personal values. He got feedback from people who worked at the company and asked, “Does he have integrity and how does it show up?” His new job is not perfect, but it’s better.

 

If you find yourself in a similar situation, learn to tell the truth in a way that it can be received. I often help my clients reframe their messages. If I say to someone, “You lied to me, why did you do that?” I know I won’t get a good response. It may be true and direct, but generally, this approach can make the other person feel backed into a corner. It’s more likely to bring out defensiveness. On the other hand, when I say, “Tell me what happened here,” I’ll usually have a better chance of hearing the truth from the other person because I’m not being so confrontational.

 

Another approach can be to find a time after the challenging incident has occurred to sit down with the person you’re dealing with and bring up the subject of integrity. Ask how he or she balances his or her own integrity with the actions of others that are not in line with that integrity. It may seem manipulative, but if you ask in total sincerity with the hope of understanding what’s really important to the other person, it may result in a better overall picture of that person, and ultimately, it can only help in your on-going interactions.

 

Each of us has to come to some resolution within ourselves about our actions. In the case of my client, when the chairman asked him what really happened in New York, he said, “The good news, Bill, is that we closed the deal. I’m happy we can continue to do business with these folks under our new contract. It will really raise our revenue numbers for the year.” He actually answered the question and by-passed the implied question. The chairman smiled and shook my client’s hand. “Good deal!” he responded, and walked away.

 

Have a good week!

 

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

 

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

 

 

10/28/12 “Benefits of Travel”

Good day, team.

 

After traveling in Europe for three weeks, I have to admit there’s no place like home. Living out of a suitcase and managing travel logistics to seven major cities in 21 days is challenging. As I sit here by the fire this morning with my cup of tea, I am happy to say it was a full trip, but I’m also happy to be home safe and sound.

 

Whenever I’ve gone on a journey, I always ask myself three questions: What did I learn about the world? What was the greatest gift I received? What did I learn about myself?

 

This week’s challenge is my attempt to answer these questions. I could apply these questions to my life at anytime. But traveling to foreign places always offers something new to learn, and it’s a great way to broaden your perspective on the world.

 

So what did I learn about the world? I last traveled to Italy 22 years ago. Back then, the major cities in Italy were most crowded during the spring and summer months. October was a bit more subdued, and the tourists were much smaller in numbers. Not true today! What stood out to me was how many more people there are in the world now. As human beings, no matter what else goes on, we just continue to produce more human beings. I was shocked by the huge numbers of people I encountered — and how challenging it was to navigate in such crowds. I’m pretty polite when it comes to standing in lines and making space for others on the metro. But I had to fight my way into many spaces with people who thought nothing of delivering an elbow jab to my upper arm or abdomen to get where they wanted to go. I realize that in parts of the world, people experience this hustle and bustle on a daily basis, and I shouldn’t take it personally — but geez, a little human kindness would be nice. I have a client who, after attending a weeklong retreat where she tried to meet new people and make some friends, observed, “Well, I realized that I have a great love for humanity, but I don’t like anyone in particular.” Frankly, I began to feel just the opposite. I like a lot of folks in particular, but during my trip, I felt a growing dislike for humanity in general!

 

What was the greatest gift I received? A wonderful dining experience in Florence with our host Carla. We stayed at this woman’s home, which she’s turned into a bed and breakfast. Part of what she offers her visitors is a six-course, authentic Tuscan dinner. This meal was one of the finest dining experiences I’ve ever had. The food was beyond great, prepared to perfection. The wines matched with it were superb. And the company at the table was just the right blend of people — a mixture of Americans and Italians who shared similar values and who wanted to connect. We shared our travel experiences and what we loved most about Florence and Italy. Another great gift during the trip was being able to get our wash done in Rome. After 2½ weeks of doing laundry by hand, this was a total luxury!

 

What did I learn about myself? I’ve gotten older. I’m more opinionated. I am less patient about my creature comforts. I often feel more at home in parts of Europe than I do in parts of the U.S. I am one small speck in an extremely large universe. Mark Twain wrote, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness.” I had many opportunities for my opinions to be challenged and my narrow thinking to expand.

 

Your challenge this week is to ponder these questions. You don’t have to go on a journey to ask yourself what you’ve learned about the world lately. Or what the greatest gift you received this week was. Have you learned anything new about yourself lately? Traveling forces us to be more nimble and less set in our ways — to adapt. But each of us can do this each week by examining our thinking and attitudes. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself these questions to observe what in your life is teaching you something new or offering you a gift that might give you joy.

 

St. Augustine wrote, “The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page.”

 

After three weeks of traveling, I’ve read a few more chapters and hope to take what I’ve learned back into my daily life and routine.

 

Have a good week!

 

Kathleen

 

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

 

 

 

9/23/12 “The importance of body language”

Good day, team.

 

I recently read an article about the importance of body language and what it communicates about us. I’ve long known that our body language often communicates far more than our tone of voice or the actual words we speak. For example, I sat in a meeting last week where one of the participants was rolling her eyes while her fellow teammate continued to dominate the conversation. Her frustration with her teammate was obvious, even though she never said a word. In another conversation with a client, I noticed when I asked him a question that made him uncomfortable, he crossed his arms and looked down at the floor, rather than exchange eye contact with me. In another example, I saw two women sitting next to each other on the metro, chatting. When a suspicious-looking man sat next to them, they moved quickly and fearfully out of their seats.

 

All of these examples show how we communicate messages with our movements, facial expressions and gestures. Even though we may be saying something completely different with our words, our body language gives others the real message time after time. In fact, studies show that people who say something that doesn’t match their body language engender distrust in others. The listener receives two distinctly different messages and wonders which one is true and why the speaker is communicating two different things.

 

Now science has proven that our body language not just influences our state of mind, but actually changes our body chemistry. In an article from the Portland Business Journal this past week, Connie Glaser writes about this topic under the title, “Body language can be more powerful than you imagine”. In her article, she refers to Harvard Business School’s Amy Cuddy who wrote an article entitled “Just Because I’m Nice, Don’t Assume I’m Dumb,” published three years ago in the Harvard Business Review. Cuddy analyzed the impact that body language has on power. “ In the past, most psychologists assumed that body language actually reflected one’s state of mind. The controversial article made the argument that body language actually affected not only one’s state of mind, but it could alter physiological measurements as well”, wrote Glaser. “In her research on “power posing,” Cuddy showed that changing the body’s position for as little as two minutes has the ability to stimulate higher levels of testosterone and lower levels of cortisol. This finding is important because testosterone is linked with dominance and risk-taking, while cortisol is a stress hormone that can trigger hypertension, impair the immune system and cause memory loss.” Glaser continued.

 

Science has now proven that Cuddy’s hypothesis was correct. Cuddy joined Dana Carney and Andy Yap from the Columbia Graduate School of Business to study these phenomena. In an article, they published in Psychological Science, they wrote about an experiment they conducted to prove their theory. A control group was used to measure the hormonal impact of body language. Male and female participants were evenly placed in either high or low power pose groups. The high power pose group was placed in expansive postures (i.e., leaning forward with both hands placed firmly on the desk) while the low power pose group was put in restrictive poses (i.e., sitting in a chair with arms folded and legs tightly crossed). Amazingly, after two minutes, the high power poses decreased their cortisone levels by 25 percent and increased their testosterone levels by 19 percent. What this shows is that physical poses alone effect the brain as well as the body. Consequently, people who feel powerless or have low self-esteem can overcome these feelings by changing their body pose.

 

Cuddy also went on to study the importance of “emotional impressions” that we receive from other people. “She discovered that most people underestimate the powerful connection of warmth and mistakenly overestimate the importance of competence”, wrote Glaser. People tend to spend way too much time worrying about the words they use, rather than how they communicate the message. Cuddy observed, “People often are more influenced by how they feel about you than by what you’re saying … you have to connect with them before you can lead them.”

 

In my own observations, I notice that when I’m feeling unsure of myself, my feet tend to turn in and my posture collapses in toward my chest. My breath gets shorter, and I actually feel smaller, physically. I’m sure the message that’s sent to others is that I’m not confident. On the other hand, when I’m feeling good and confident, I easily sit up straight, look directly into the eyes of whomever I’m talking with and feel much more present. Both of these positions have a huge impact on the quality of my communication and my ability to influence any conversation.

 

This week, first observe your body language. What are your gestures saying to others? Can you feel your facial expressions when you’re sitting in a meeting? Are you saying one thing and allowing your body language to say the opposite? Are you projecting warmth and a desire to connect or a cold indifference by only focusing on the facts or results?

 

Second, try experimenting with your gestures and movements. Are they confident or lacking in self-assurance? Does your body language make others uncomfortable? What are your facial expressions saying to others? Do you often look worried or skeptical when you’re listening to others? Do you cross your arms when you’re in meetings with others? Maybe you’re sending out mixed messages to others by saying one thing with your words and sending a different message in your body language.

 

As much as I don’t like video conferencing, I have found that seeing myself on the screen the way others see me is helpful. I remember how surprised I was to see myself on a videoconference screen looking completely bored with the meeting I was attending. I didn’t feel bored, but I was slouched in my seat and not being very attentive to what others were saying. When I caught a glance of myself on the screen, I was shocked at what I saw. I immediately sat up straight and tried to become more engaged. When I did this, I noticed that others around me responded more positively toward me.

 

The way we communicate sends out multiple messages to others. If our body language matches our words spoken, our communication is far more powerful. This week, try experimenting with it and see what you discover.

 

Have a good week!

 

Kathleen

 

Note: The coach will be taking a much-needed break for the next three weeks. The next challenge will be published Oct. 28, 2012.

 

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

9/16/12 “Tunnel Vision”

Good day team,

This week’s challenge is about expanding our thinking by remembering that we are not the center of the universe.

This past week, my husband was in China on business. He spent four days in Shanghai and two days in Beijing. While away, he sent me a number of e-mails that I am calling “Letters from Shanghai”. They have reminded me that phrases like “America is the greatest country on earth” or that we are the richest, most innovate country on earth may not exactly be true. More importantly, how these phrases and attitudes lead us to believe that we personally, are the most important person alive or that our problems and accomplishments are more significant than others, is what this challenge is about. But first, I want to share a few paragraphs from “Letters from Shanghai”.

“Today we toured the French Concession, a small section of the old city where the French carved out an autonomous zone after the Opium Wars. The old, French-style brick buildings have been transformed into shops, restaurants and rather exclusive nightclubs where the elite like to hang out. We had lunch at a great restaurant and I had a chance to enjoy traditional Shanghai-ese food – delicious dumplings filled with broth, and assorted meats and seafood. Best Chinese food I’ve had up to now.

“The following day between work and a late afternoon meeting, we did some more sight-seeing. We went to the Yu Gardens (Garden of Peace or Happiness) – an oasis of beauty and serenity right in the middle of the old city of Shanghai. It dates back to 1559. The halls, temples and gardens were built and expanded through a succession of emperors and provincial governors until they became a magnificent complex of walls, water, gardens and beautiful traditional architecture full of carvings, sculpture and decorative arts. The place has been damaged by wars (Opium, WWII) and revolutions. But was completely restored by the PRC (People’s Republic of China) government during the 1950’s and 1960’s. Its peaceful interior is surrounded by a maze of tourist shops and hawkers on the street selling knock-off watches. I was warned to keep a firm grasp on my bag and to beware of pick-pockets. Despite the warnings, all was peaceful and happy.

“The gardens are a perfect contrast to the business outside. It stays cool under the shade of ancient trees and trellises covered by twisting wisteria vines. The koi-filled ponds add to the cooling effect. The noise of the city fades away and you are transported to a much less commercial and much more spiritual place symbolized by the Quan Yin (feminine Buddha) statue standing on the water’s surface near the entrance. I could have stayed here for many hours.

“Shanghai remains a source of amazement to me and a reminder of what a growing economy looks like. I had almost forgotten. The scale of the city is unbelievable with a population estimated to be between 21 and 23 million people. I was reminded of my first view of the Manhattan skyline and its stunning effect on a young man from a small western city. Shanghai might have the same effect on someone from New York. It is that much larger in almost every way. Cranes are everywhere erecting modern office and apartment towers. Traffic is intense. Pedestrians are at the bottom of the food chain. I felt particularly vulnerable to the stealthy electric scooters whizzing by, daring me to get in their way.

“The people seem to always be on a mission. Imagine what it must be like to pursue your ambitions in a country with one billion others trying to do the same thing. Collectively, they have created an economic powerhouse and an incredibly dynamic society. We should not assume that America will lead the world in the 21st century nor provide the model for emerging nations to follow. The Chinese are ascendant. They are creating a vibrant middle class, encouraging innovation, and investing in infrastructure. What are we doing?”

The irony that all of this is occurring in a country that completely embraced communism in the past century is not lost on me. Who would have thought that a country who’s communistic ideology and political structure would have embraced consumerism so rapidly? And, I do not take for granted that I live in a country where I can express my views openly without fear of arrest or incarceration whereas the Chinese cannot. I have not forgotten what they have done to Tibet, which continues to be one of the greatest injustices this planet has seen in my lifetime. But, I also see that my views of communism vs capitalism are outdated and need a refresh.

What strikes me most about my husband’s observations is the importance of exposing ourselves to other cultures and countries so that we don’t embrace such a narrow view of our own lives. It’s easy to blow our difficulties and challenges out of proportion when our worlds are so focused on our everyday activities within the small context of our lives. As an example, last night I was getting so stressed out about overcooking the salmon, when in contrast, I had just read an article the day before about children starving in Syria.

This week, try putting your life in perspective. Whatever it is, is it so important that it makes you forget that there’s an entire world out there and we are about the size of a speck of dust when compared to the universe? Are you blowing things so out of proportion that you can’t imagine other alternatives or possibilities? When was the last time you exposed yourself to a different culture and had the opportunity to see your world differently? Do you remember how wonderful it felt to be in a different country enjoying the differences in food and customs when you did travel?

Try doing something new this week. If you never go to the art museum or attend a performance of classical music, try it out. If you spend most of your evenings in front of the TV, try reading instead or drawing for an hour or two. Sign up for a foreign language class or go to the library and read about a different country and their history. Take your kids to a play or take the team out for an activity. Mix it up so you can broaden your outlook. And, if you’ve never been out of this country, go. Canada and Mexico are not far and even they will show you that there are lots of ways to live.

As Mark Twain so eloquently said, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

 

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

 

 

 


		


		
	







	
	


		
9/16/12 “Tunnel Vision”

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
Good day team,


This week’s challenge is about expanding our thinking by remembering that we are not the center of the universe.


This past week, my husband was in China on business. He spent five days in Shanghai and two days in Beijing. While away, he sent me a number of e-mails that I am calling “Letters from Shanghai”. They have reminded me that phrases like “America is the greatest country on earth” or that we are the richest, most innovate country on earth may not exactly be true. More importantly, how these phrases and attitudes lead us to believe that we personally, are the most important person alive or that our problems and accomplishments are more significant than others, is what this challenge is about. But first, I want to share a few paragraphs from “Letters from Shanghai”.


“Today we toured the French Concession, a small section of the old city where the French carved out an autonomous zone after the Opium Wars. The old, French-style brick buildings have been transformed into shops, restaurants and rather exclusive nightclubs where the elite like to hang out. We had lunch at a great restaurant and I had a chance to enjoy traditional Shanghai-ese food – delicious dumplings filled with broth, and assorted meats and seafood. Best Chinese food I’ve had up to now.


“The following day between work and a late afternoon meeting, we did some more sight-seeing. We went to the Yu Gardens (Garden of Peace or Happiness) – an oasis of beauty and serenity right in the middle of the old city of Shanghai. It dates back to 1559. The halls, temples and gardens were built and expanded through a succession of emperors and provincial governors until they became a magnificent complex of walls, water, gardens and beautiful traditional architecture full of carvings, sculpture and decorative arts. The place has been damaged by wars (Opium, WWII) and revolutions. But was completely restored by the PRC (People’s Republic of China) government during the 1950’s and 1960’s. Its peaceful interior is surrounded by a maze of tourist shops and hawkers on the street selling knock-off watches. I was warned to keep a firm grasp on my bag and to beware of pick-pockets. Despite the warnings, all was peaceful and happy.


“The gardens are a perfect contrast to the business outside. It stays cool under the shade of ancient trees and trellises covered by twisting wisteria vines. The koi-filled ponds add to the cooling effect. The noise of the city fades away and you are transported to a much less commercial and much more spiritual place symbolized by the Quan Yin (feminine Buddha) statue standing on the water’s surface near the entrance. I could have stayed here for many hours.


“Shanghai remains a source of amazement to me and a reminder of what a growing economy looks like. I had almost forgotten. The scale of the city is unbelievable with a population estimated to be between 21 and 23 million people. I was reminded of my first view of the Manhattan skyline and its stunning effect on a young man from a small western city. Shanghai might have the same effect on someone from New York. It is that much larger in almost every way. Cranes are everywhere erecting modern office and apartment towers. Traffic is intense. Pedestrians are at the bottom of the food chain. I felt particularly vulnerable to the stealthy electric scooters whizzing by, daring me to get in their way.


“The people seem to always be on a mission. Imagine what it must be like to pursue your ambitions in a country with one billion others trying to do the same thing. Collectively, they have created an economic powerhouse and an incredibly dynamic society. We should not assume that America will lead the world in the 21st century nor provide the model for emerging nations to follow. The Chinese are ascendant. They are creating a vibrant middle class, encouraging innovation, and investing in infrastructure. What are we doing?”


The irony that all of this is occurring in a country that completely embraced communism in the past century is not lost on me. Who would have thought that a country who’s communistic ideology and political structure would have embraced consumerism so rapidly? And, I do not take for granted that I live in a country where I can express my views openly without fear of arrest or incarceration whereas the Chinese cannot. I have not forgotten what they have done to Tibet, which continues to be one of the greatest injustices this planet has seen in my lifetime. But, I also see that my views of communism vs capitalism are outdated and need a refresh.


What strikes me most about my husband’s observations is the importance of exposing ourselves to other cultures and countries so that we don’t embrace such a narrow view of our own lives. It’s easy to blow our difficulties and challenges out of proportion when our worlds are so focused on our everyday activities within the small context of our lives. As an example, last night I was getting so stressed out about overcooking the salmon, when in contrast, I had just read an article the day before about children starving in Syria.


This week, try putting your life in perspective. Whatever it is, is it so important that it makes you forget that there’s an entire world out there and we are about the size of a speck of dust when compared to the universe? Are you blowing things so out of proportion that you can’t imagine other alternatives or possibilities? When was the last time you exposed yourself to a different culture and had the opportunity to see your world differently? Do you remember how wonderful it felt to be in a different country enjoying the differences in food and customs when you did travel?


Try exposing yourself to something different this week. If you never go to the art museum or attend a performance of classical music, try it out. If you spend most of your evenings in front of the TV, try reading instead or drawing for an hour or two. Sign up for a foreign language class or go to the library and read about a different country and their history. Take your kids to a play or take the team out for an activity. Mix it up so you can broaden your outlook. And, if you’ve never been out of this country, go. Canada and Mexico are not far and even they will show you that there are lots of ways to live.


As Mark Twain so eloquently said, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.”


Have a good week!


Kathleen


© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

		


		
	







	
	


		
9/9/12 “Being Hard on Yourself”

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
Good day, team.


This has been my week to berate myself. It’s not something I do often, but when I do, it really feels awful. A discontented state of mind hangs over me like a stormy day and can be accompanied by nasty thoughts of judgment and negativity that shoot at me like arrows. I once saw a painting of St. Sebastian with hundreds of arrows piercing his body. That’s how it feels, but the arrows are on the inside shooting at my internal world rather than outside striking my physical body.


Sometimes, the coach needs a coach. Fortunately, because I write this challenge each week, I try to read things that inspire me and give me ideas. One of these things is a wonderful blog called Tiny Buddha. I love how author Lori Deschene takes her life experience and turns it into tiny bits of wisdom. After this past week, I really needed some help, and Tiny Buddha offered it up with the following:


“On Being Too Hard on Yourself”


“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” — African Proverb


“Sometimes we judge ourselves pretty harshly. We blame ourselves for things we have absolutely no control over. We criticize, berate and even disparage ourselves, treating ourselves far worse than we’d ever treat other people.


“It’s just all too easy to hold ourselves to high standards and then get frustrated if we fail to meet them. I know I have done this before, and, at the risk of sounding defeatist, I know I will do it at some point again.


“I believe that in much the same we will inevitably have conflicts with other people, we will also go through times when we’re not kind and loving to ourselves.


“Perhaps the key to silencing the enemy within is accepting that it is there — that we all possess both darkness and light within us — and then learning to create a higher ratio of self-affirming to self-diminishing thoughts. Maybe the goal shouldn’t be to always be positive but to recognize when we start being self-critical so that we can shift our thoughts more quickly and effectively with each internal struggle.


“In a perfect world, we would always know the exact way to think and thing to do to nurture ourselves and honor our needs, and we’d instinctively always do those things. Maybe some people do. But I can’t speak for them, because I sometimes struggle.


“What helps me is to focus on progress, not perfection — to forgive myself when I’ve gotten negative and then start anew from right where I stand.


“Today if you get down on yourself, remember: You’re doing the best you can, and you have the power to choose, right now, that your best is good enough.”


And so dear subscribers, your challenge this week is to take Lori’s advice. Even if you don’t get down on yourself, remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. And if you choose to believe that your best is good enough, you might just feel more empowered. If you do have a down day or week, Lori’s words will be particularly meaningful. The sentence that made me feel so much better this morning was this one:


“Perhaps the key to silencing the enemy within is accepting that it is there — that we all possess both darkness and light within us — and then learning to create a higher ratio of self-affirming to self-diminishing thoughts.”


This week, try using Lori’s tiny wisdom to bring you back into the light.


Have a good week,


Kathleen


Kathleen Doyle-White


Pathfinders Coaching


(503) 296-9249


© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

		


		
	







	
	


		
9/2/12 “Do unto others”

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
Good day, team.


This past week, I’ve been thinking about how many of us constantly try to influence others to adopt our point of view. We try to convince others that the way we see something or the opinions we have are correct. We want others to see or think of something in the same way we do, so we work to sell them on our ideas and attitudes.


Just look at what happens at political conventions — candidates and their supporters make speech after speech trying to convince voters that their way of thinking is correct, with lots of examples to support their thinking. These speeches often contain both facts and falsehoods to convince the audience. The candidates position themselves as being right and the opposition as being wrong. Over the years, we have increasingly seen our political candidates criticizing the opposing party to gain the advantage in the election. Personally, I find this kind of negative advertising to be counter productive because it creates a lot of fear in people. Fear can be used as a strong motivator, but I don’t believe that fueling fear in people is a good way to win elections. In the end, none of us are better off.


What is often forgotten here is that behind all the opinions and influential statements are real people. The following paragraph from a recent post on Ramble, Ramble, a blog written by a woman named Ginger, says this so well:


“There is a PERSON behind the things you are saying. When you say that all liberals or all conservatives … when you say that all Democrats or all Republicans … when you say that ALL of any group is/says/does/thinks/behaves/believes/hates/loves/etc., you are saying that about real people.  Honest to goodness, flesh and blood people. Not just ideologies. Not just platforms. Not just issues. Not just politicians. Your friends. Your family. Your neighbors. Your co-workers.”


I see this same phenomenon occur within teams at work. It’s not uncommon for members of different teams to disagree. They may want the same outcome, but the way they want to go about getting that outcome can be quite different. For example, let’s say that the accounting manager and the marketing manager disagree about how much money should be spent on a new marketing campaign. It won’t take long before the accounting manager starts making some derogatory remarks about the marketing manager to his or her own team of accountants. This type of speech, meant to influence others on the team, may make the accounting manager feel better and more justified in the moment. When we feel strongly about something, we want others to agree with us. We don’t want those marketing people to spend too much money on a bogus campaign. We want them to stay within the budget we outlined. So the accounting manager forgets that the marketing manager is a peer and that they both are part of the same overarching team. Instead, it feels okay to throw the marketing manager under the bus to make things right. But what happens when someone on the accounting team is asked to give the marketing department some information? This person might have an immediate negative reaction because of what his or her boss has said about the marketing manager. In our desire to get people to think and act the way we want them to, we sometimes overlook the negative impact that our influencing can have on others.


I often ask myself these three questions when I feel strongly about letting others know what I think or feel:


    

  • Is it worth doing damage to 	someone else just to be able to express my opinions?
    • 

  • Am I trying to convince other 	people to come over to my side of the argument?
    • 

  • What good results can come from 	this conversation?
    • 



When I hear people speak negatively about someone else, it always makes me feel sad. When I see a gang of people bully another group of people because they disagree with them, I feel outraged. When I observe myself thinking negative thoughts about someone I don’t understand, I feel irritated. None of these feelings help me in my life. They tend to seep into my state of heart and mind and pollute my inner peace and wisdom. When I try to influence someone to think poorly or negatively about another to build up my side of an argument, I end up feeling that negativity within myself.


This week, see if you’re trying to influence others against someone else. Maybe it’s in an aggressive way, making yourself look good and your opposition look bad, just like politicians do in their speeches. Or maybe it’s in a passive aggressive way by making side comments that incriminate someone you disagree with or think is stupid. Ask yourself whether you are helping the team by trying to influence others in this way. Is it worth the momentary pleasure that makes you feel as though you’re winning an argument or recruiting others to take your side? Does the feeling of “I’m right and you’re wrong” actually help all of the team meet its goals and get the results needed?


Of all the statements my mother repeated to me over and over again as I was growing up, this classic stands out: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” This week, my challenge is to take my mother’s good advice and apply it to my speech and sharing of opinions. I encourage you to do the same.


Have a good week!


Kathleen


© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249