The Importance of Self-Esteem

Many of us live with an inner narrative that tells us we’re not strong enough, smart enough, or capable enough — that we’ve made mistakes, should have said something differently, or should be doing a better job. Layer onto that the constant marketing messages suggesting we’re not thin enough, attractive enough, or “cool” enough, and it becomes overwhelming.

I’ve long believed that our society doesn’t do much to support healthy self-esteem. Throughout school, teachers often focus on what we’re not getting right. In the workplace, managers emphasize what we need to improve. Parents, with the best of intentions, try to help us “get it right” so we can have a good life — yet the underlying message we frequently absorb is that we’re getting it wrong.

Here is a poem I often read to remind me of my self-worth.

Love After Love

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other’s welcome

and say, sit here.  Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you have ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit.  Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott

I hope reading this poem from time to time will help remind you of what a unique and wonderful person you are.  No matter what anyone tells you, take the time to sit and feast on your life!

Kathleen

 



 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Being Controlling

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			














Here’s a post about being controlling. One definition describes it as the ability to exercise restraint or direction over something — to command or dominate. That definition captures well how many of us try to manage our lives, our environments, and even the people around us.


I see this in myself at home. When my husband cooks, I’m genuinely grateful for the break — yet I still catch myself offering unsolicited “suggestions,” even when he clearly has everything well in hand. He gives me a familiar look that says, “You’re trying to control this.” And he’s almost always right. Interestingly, the same dynamic appears when I step into his tool shed — his own domain of control.


Why do we do this? Why do we try to control our homes, our workplaces, and even our vacations? Why does the idea of letting go feel so unsettling?


At its core, control is often an attempt to meet our needs and protect ourselves from vulnerability. We believe that if we manage every detail, we can influence outcomes and avoid discomfort, failure, or disappointment.


In the workplace, the effects are clear. During my years as an executive recruiter, the most common comment candidates made about leadership was, “I don’t like being micromanaged. I want a manager who guides me, then trusts me to figure things out.” No one enjoys working for someone who tries to control every step — and yet most of us, at times, behave that way.


A simple thought experiment illustrates this tendency: imagine you’re in a car during a snowstorm. Would you rather be the driver or the passenger? Most people prefer the driver’s seat, not because it’s easier, but because it feels safer to be in control.


But life rarely follows our plans. Effective leaders and project managers succeed not by controlling every variable, but by adapting when the unexpected happens.


My own understanding of control changed dramatically after a serious fall down a staircase. In seconds, my full calendar, routines, and sense of stability disappeared. I went from being fully self-reliant to completely dependent on others. And in that vulnerability, something surprising happened: I discovered how deeply supported I could be when I surrendered control. My caregivers — nurses, doctors, staff, and my husband — cared for me in ways I never would have allowed had I been able to “manage” it myself.


Letting go didn’t diminish who I was. It uncovered a deeper truth: underneath the effort to control is a well of gratitude and a more authentic, loving presence.


Now, when I catch myself trying to control others, I try to remember that lesson — and I try to extend the same understanding to others when they attempt to control me.


Consider where control shows up in your life: 


    

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    Do you believe your team would function better if someone just changed their behavior?
    

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  • 

    Do you find yourself frustrated with family members who don’t do things the way you prefer?
    

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  • 

    Do you control through subtle tactics — withholding information, disengaging, or managing too closely — or do you simply take over because you’re convinced your way is best?
    

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    And most importantly: How much of your need for control comes from fear of what might happen if you let go?
    

    • 



See if you can loosen your grip, even slightly. You may discover that releasing control reveals not chaos, but clarity — and perhaps even a deeper connection to the people around you.




Kathleen






















 


 


 




 




 

		


		
	







	
	


		
How To Deal With Bullies

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
One area I frequently address in my coaching practice is how to deal effectively with workplace bullies.


Defining Workplace Bullying
Workplace bullying involves repeated, aggressive, or unreasonable behavior intended to intimidate, humiliate, or undermine another employee. Unlike schoolyard bullying, it often operates within organizational rules and can be subtle or indirect. According to the Workplace Bullying and Trauma Institute (WBTI), bullying is “the repeated mistreatment of one employee targeted by one or more employees with a malicious mix of humiliation, intimidation, and sabotage of performance.”


Bullying is far more common than many people realize, occurring significantly more often than illegal discrimination, workplace violence, or sexual harassment.


Common Tactics Used by Bullies
Typical bullying behaviors include:


    

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    Constant criticism: Exaggerating mistakes to undermine confidence or reputation.
    

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    Isolation: Excluding the target from information or social interaction.
    

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    Monopolizing resources: Controlling access to information or tools to create dependency.
    

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    Gossip and rumors: Undermining credibility or relationships through misinformation.
    

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  • 

    False documentation: Fabricating or misrepresenting complaints to damage the target’s record.
    

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    Stealing credit: Claiming others’ work as their own.
    

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  • 

    Verbal abuse: Insults, derogatory language, or demeaning nicknames.
    

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    Passive aggression: Withholding work, procrastinating, or provoking emotional reactions.
    

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    Sexual harassment: Using inappropriate behavior as a control tactic.
    

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    Violence: Rare, but may occur as an escalation.
    

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Most bullies use a combination of these tactics to increase their impact.


Common Management Mistakes
Leaders often unintentionally enable bullying through:


    

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    Appeasement: Giving bullies what they want in hopes they will stop.
    

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    Blaming both parties: Treating the situation as a mutual conflict rather than targeted aggression.
    

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    Blaming the target: Discouraging complaints or penalizing the person being bullied.
    

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    Ignoring the issue: Hoping the behavior will resolve on its own.
    

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  • 

    Overemphasizing teamwork: Prioritizing group harmony over individual contributions, which can allow bullies to label high performers as “not team players.”
    

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Effective intervention requires clear policies, consistent accountability, and a culture that does not tolerate abusive behavior.


Kathleen


 


For more information about workplace bullying, please go to http://www.workplacebullying.org/



		


		
	







	
	


		
Facing Your Fears

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This piece is about facing your fears and the difference it can make in your life.  Here is a short testimonial from a friend of our daughters about finding the joys of motherhood by facing her fears.


“Before I had my children, I never wanted children. I also was frightened by other people’s children. I knew they were smarter than me and would see right through my insecurities and blurt them all out to everyone in their precious, honest-to-a-fault little voice! Man, I’m glad my life isn’t up to me! I started to transform into the person I should have always been once my son came along—not while I was pregnant with him (I was still petrified) but the second he was born. I could feel it happening. People who had been around me before and after commented on it, and all I could say was, “I love being a mom.” It wasn’t what I wanted, but it turns out it was what I wanted. The movie “Waitress” with Keri Russell shows my transformation in movie form. Just take out the affair, the deadbeat husband and the pie-making skills.


These three amazing people that live in my house and depend on me, I have no doubt, they are my angels. ”


Each of us has experienced how paralyzing fear can be by holding us back from experiences we might actually want. Here are some things I’ve done to try to face my fears and move beyond them:


1. I said something to someone I’ve always wanted to say but have been too afraid. For example, when I told my father that I finally stopped blaming him for leaving my mother for another woman when I was still young.   I forgave him.


2. I gave a speech to 400+ statisticians in an auditorium and took their very difficult questions at the end of the speech.


3. I approached a homeless person on the street, looked them sincerely in the eye and asked if I could help him.


4. I started my own business with very little capital, a limited business education, and no office furniture.


Whatever the scary thing is, see what happens when you jump into it rather than avoiding it. You may discover that it wasn’t what you thought you wanted, but it turns out it gave you far more than you ever expected.


 


Kathleen




 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Dealing With Our Blindspots

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This post is about recognizing our blind spots—and taking action once we see them.


When I trained to become a coach, I discovered one of my major blind spots: I often interrupted people. I would jump in mid-sentence, finish their thoughts, or ask questions while they were still talking. I quickly realized this behavior was not only inappropriate for coaching but also irritating to friends and family who had tolerated it for years.


Once I got past the embarrassment, I began observing when and why I interrupted:


    

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    Engagement: I was more likely to interrupt when excited about a topic. The energy built in my body, and words would come out before I could control them.
    

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    Assumption of understanding: I often thought I already knew what someone was saying and finished their sentences.
    

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    Lack of awareness: I rarely noticed how irritating this was to others, which kept the blind spot intact.
    

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Later, in the Goldsmith stakeholder coaching program, I learned the power of feedback— and “feed forward,” as Marshall Goldsmith calls it. By asking stakeholders to observe my behavior and provide guidance, I could identify blind spots and receive practical suggestions for change.


For example, when my coach pointed out my interruptions in front of the class, I was mortified. The energy I felt when engaging with ideas suddenly felt blocked. I asked, “How do I stop this and what do I do with this energy?” My classmates offered simple, practical solutions:


    

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    Be present to your breathing while the other person speaks; breathe through the urge to interrupt.
    

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    Sit on your hands or put them in your pockets until the speaker finishes.
    

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    Monitor your tone of voice; speaking from your belly rather than your throat can help slow down and control impulses.
    

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Their advice was humbling and eye-opening. Everyone has blind spots, and seeing them requires vulnerability and a willingness to listen. The process encouraged me to ask for more feedback and to take action in the areas where I was most blind.


Here are some questions to help identify your own blind spots:


    

  1. 

    How do I respond to constructive feedback?
    

      

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      Do I become defensive or dismissive?
      

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      Do my reactions discourage honest input?
      

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    Do I dominate conversations?
    

      

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      Do I talk more than I listen?
      

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      Do I notice others disengaging?
      

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    3. 

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    Do I default to the “devil’s advocate”?
    

      

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      Am I quick to disagree just to make a point?
      

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      Is it helpful, or does it undermine others?
      

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    4. 

  4. 

    Do I use humor as a shield?
    

      

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      Do I play the “class clown” at others’ expense?
      

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      Does my humor deflect from serious topics?
      

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    5. 

  5. 

    Do I lean toward cynicism?
    

      

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      Do I make sarcastic or negative remarks when others are excited?
      

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      Does my cynicism dampen energy or momentum?
      

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    6. 

  6. 

    Do I underestimate the impact of subtle comments?
    

      

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      Do I make snide or offhand remarks under stress?
      

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      Do I assume they won’t be noticed, even though they linger?
      

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    7. 



The most valuable part of asking for feedback is receiving sincere, helpful responses. Just as we wouldn’t let a blind person cross a busy street without guidance, we can help each other see the behaviors we cannot see ourselves.


Kathleen


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 




 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
How We Like To Learn

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


Over the years, I’ve been participated in a number of different coaching training and certification processes. My experience in these classes has reminded me how important it is to understand how we prefer to learn.


Research has uncovered three major types of learning styles. Auditory learners enjoy learning through hearing. They would rather listen to a subject being explained than read about it. Reciting information out loud and having music in the background while studying or reading is common for these learners.


Visual learners prefer to see examples of what they are learning. They learn best by looking at graphics, watching a demonstration or reading. For these people, it’s easy to look at graphs and charts, but they may have difficulty concentrating while listening to an explanation.


Kinesthetic learners learn by touch. These people enjoy hands-on experiences. Doing an activity can be the easiest way for them to learn. Sitting still while studying can be difficult, but writing things down makes it easier to understand.


It’s certainly possible for a person to learn through all of these methods, but many find that one is preferable. For example, I can’t concentrate when there’s a lot of background noise. I find it difficult to listen to music, for example, while reading a book. On the other hand, if someone is teaching me something and explaining it to me while giving me a visual representation of the subject, I learn far more easily.


Once while sitting in a training class, I noticed that the gentlemen sitting next to me was a very different learner than I am. The trainer presented the information in a number of different ways. First, she explained what she was trying to teach us. Then she gave each table of five participants an opportunity to do some activity that taught us the material. After that, we shared our experiences, and the teacher finished by walking us through the written material in our manual.


I definitely learned more by participating with the group at the table. The activity gave us an opportunity to experiment with what the trainer had presented and to learn it by doing it. I was least interested in the last part when she referenced the manual and walked us through the written descriptions.


On the other hand, the gentleman next to me made very detailed notes when the trainer first introduced the subject. His handwriting was small and neatly placed in his notebook. When it came time for group participation, he was quiet and didn’t seem very interested in participating. But when the trainer referenced the manual, he took out his yellow highlighter and highlighted the parts he found most important. Another woman at our table talked more than the rest of us during the group activity, and when we reviewed the manual, she spent her time texting. Still another person at our table seemed anxious for the trainer to move along at a faster pace and had trouble paying attention.


These observances showed me just how differently we all learn. I realized how important it is to understand what particular style works best for each of us individually. For example, I am a visual and kinesthetic learner. I often think in pictures, and the best way for me to learn something is to try it. I’m not afraid to jump right in because I believe that it’s not until you’re actually doing something that you can learn it on all levels. If I have to sit through PowerPoint presentations with more than three bullets per slide or a presentation that’s more than six pages long, I have trouble paying attention. If someone puts a spreadsheet up on the screen, I’m bored, regardless of how important the information might be. On the other hand, if someone demonstrates what the spreadsheet represents or tells me an interesting story about the information, then I can begin to learn it.


The gentleman in my class who wrote everything down is obviously not a kinesthetic learner. He found participating in our table experiments and exercises difficult, and he much preferred to read the information and pick out the specific parts he found relevant. The woman at our table who talked a lot needed to engage with the group and ask questions. She seemed to be an auditory learner and wasn’t distracted by other teams in the room or incoming text messages.


Try observing how you like to learn. Watch your teammates in meetings and see if you can determine how they like to learn. Maybe one of them has to frequently repeat what someone else has said in order to get it. Or maybe someone on your team loves to take notes and refer to them often until he or she fully understands what’s being presented.


Acknowledging how you like to learn can save you an enormous about of time and energy when it comes to learning something new. Don’t be afraid to let the people around you know how you like to learn. If you love to learn through visuals such as movies, presentations or whiteboards, tell your boss, your teacher and your other associates. Knowing this about you will help them decide which learning format is the one you thrive in.


Whatever your preferred style, try to create situations for learning that are enjoyable.


As Confucius advised, “He who learns but does not think is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.”


 


Kathleen


 


 




 


 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
How To Be a Better Influencer

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


In my coaching practice, I’ve often worked with management teams to help them discover and focus on their individual strengths and teaching them how these strengths fit into the four domains of leadership – executing, influencing, building relationships and strategic thinking. These are the four domains that leaders and managers often work within to effectively do their jobs.


This material comes from a book entitled “Strengths-based Leadership” by Tom Rath and Barry Conchie. After many years of polling for-profit and not-for-profit organizations, the Gallup organization determined that the four domains of leadership are where successful leaders and managers spend their time. The book includes the StrengthsFinder assessment – a brief test used to identify an individual’s five top strengths and map them into the leadership domains. For example, if you have “achiever” as a strength, i.e. you like to get stuff done – then that strength is likely to show up in your top five and is an executing strength.


Finding your top five strengths is the first step. Taken further, discovering where your strengths line up in the four domains gives you an excellent way of determining how you like to lead others. It also gives your people a great way to understand your strengths and knowledge of how you apply them in the workplace.


Over the past 50 years, I have found that the American workforce has moved steadily away from an authoritarian style of management (command and control), to a much more influential style of management (inspire and support). Most organizations used to be run by a bossy boss – almost always a man. Bossy bosses have autocratic, very direct styles that offer their reports very little support. Nowadays, it is common to find leaders of both sexes using a coaching style of leadership, one with emphasis on directing and supporting their people. Among the best leaders, you will also find a strong dose of inspiration that energizes and engages team members.


Here’s an article about the importance of influencing others in a work environment which I think best describes this shift in management style. It’s author is Beth Armknecht Miller, Founder and President of Executive Velocity, an Atlanta based leadership advisory firm.


“Webster’s Dictionary defines a “leader, as a person who has commanding authority or influence”. I would argue that in the 21st century it’s all about influence, not authority. If a leader only has authority and is unable to influence others, then his or her leadership will be short lived. And, with the shortage of talent, leaders need to create sustainability in an organization.


“Think about those leaders and individual contributors in your organization, whether for profit or not for profit, who may not have the title of VP, Director, or Manager yet they have followers because of their influence with others. These are the people who others listen to and respect but don’t have the title providing them with the authority to lead. They are able to use specific behaviors that align with the situation that will get others to change behaviors, opinions, attitudes, goals, needs and values.


“What are critical methods to leadership influence?


“It is important to understand that influence much like leadership, is dependent on the situation that requires influence. It may be that you are trying to influence someone higher in the organization, a peer, or a direct report. All of these are different situations in themselves. Other types of situations where influence may be needed include:


    

  • Change to project plans
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  • Support of proposals by upper management
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  • Agree to new assignments and tasks
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  • Provide necessary information in a timely fashion
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  • Stop ineffective or negative behaviors
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“The Power Use Model outlined by Anita Hall, Extension Educator and Leverne Barrett, Extension Leadership Specialist of the University of Nebraska – Lincoln Extension, depicts someone’s choice of influence tactics in terms of the ‘softness’ versus ‘hardness’ of the tactic. The spectrum relates to the freedom the tactic leaves the person being influenced to decide either to yield or to resist the influence attempts.


“Hard tactics give individuals less freedom than soft tactics. They are perceived as more forceful and push the person to comply versus support. Hard tactics include “exchange”, “legitimating”, “pressure”, “assertiveness”, “upward appeal”, and “coalitions”. Soft tactics are considered thoughtful and constructive and pull the person to make the necessary change. Soft tactics include “personal appeal”, “consultation”, “inspirational appeal”, “ingratiation”, and “rational persuasion”. It is important to note that soft tactics tend to provide more lasting change because they create an emotion of support versus compliance by the person being influenced.


“And, there are certain methods when used to influence that are generally unsuccessful. These tactics are often associated with a leader who has the authority but lacks influence. Autocratic leaders will often make demands, threats or intimidation, which will generate short-term change but no support.


“When would this tactic be useful? In an emergency, demands are often necessary. A leader needs to have people move quickly when the office is on fire or the plant has been exposed to dangerous chemicals.


“Yet, for the most part, when soft tactics are used more than hard tactics, such as demands and threats, a leader can build influence capital. From my experience with leaders, those who are highly influential use these two tactics more than others:


    

  • Inspirational appeal – a request or proposal that arouses emotions and enthusiasm by appealing to others values and ideals, or by increasing their confidence in being successful.
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  • Consultation – includes others’ in making a decision or planning how to implement a change that impacts them.
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“So what if you’re a leader with authority, you’ve got the title, how do you know whether or not you have influence with the people you are leading? My suggestion to leaders is to start taking an audit of the methods they use to influence. How much time are they using the consultation and inspirational appeal methods to influence others? And if the percent is low, how are you going to increase your soft tactic influence?”


It’s worth it to observe the effectiveness of your management style. Are you using more hard tactics rather than soft. i.e. directing or supporting? Perhaps, you become impatient easily when others aren’t working fast enough and you become pushy, bossy or autocratic. Maybe your soft tactics have become too supportive and not direct enough and your people are confused about what you really want from them.


Try achieving balance when it comes to being direct and supportive. People need instruction but they also need emotional support to help them stay committed. You may be getting stuff done but your autocratic management style might be breeding resentment and disrespect within your organization. Try using some influencing techniques instead. You may find it works more effectively by attracting and inspiring your team members to the task at hand.


 


Kathleen




 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
The Power of Acknowledging The Efforts of Others

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


I’ve had the fortunate experience of working with my coaching associate Kate Dwyer over a number of years. She’s always been my backup when I needed to rely on another coach to work with me on projects for clients.  This post is one that Kate wrote about the importance of acknowledging the efforts of others.


“It’s a valuable exercise to celebrate what you want to see more of. Throughout the work week, we often witness each other making an effort that goes above and beyond the usual standard of a job description. It may be a small gesture, which is over in a heartbeat, or it may be one of those bigger, more heroic gestures that makes a person’s day much more challenging. Regardless of the size of the effort, we see someone take an extra step on behalf of the whole. Part of great leadership is noticing and acknowledging.


“We have lots of good reasons why we often don’t reward others with acknowledgement. Perhaps we have a meeting to go to, or we don’t want a compliment to go to someone’s head. Maybe we’re concerned he or she won’t like being the center of attention, or we think the person is too busy right now. The bottom line is we miss an opportunity to celebrate great work.


“Try giving more mini-doses of positive feedback right when you notice things, in the moment. Weekly one-on-ones, annual reviews, scorecards or periodic evaluations are all valuable formats for giving organized feedback, but they’re not going to put the spring in our step that makes a work day fly by and feel fulfilling. What gives us that extra boost is knowing that the people we work with pay attention to what we do well. Acknowledging great work, however small, inspires ownership, quality and endurance.”


It’s difficult to express how much I’ve always appreciated and trusted Kate’s integrity and abilities as a coach. But since this post is about acknowledging the extraordinary efforts of others, let this be my thanks to her for all her excellent coaching and support of me over the years.


“Correction does much, but encouragement does more.” — Johann Goethe


“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” — Thomas J. Peter


 


Kathleen


 


 




 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Poetry During Poetry Month of April

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
It’s April, and that means it’s poetry month again. As I always do in April, I’d like to share a poem with you that speaks to me. Try finding a piece of writing that speaks to you — maybe it’s the words to a song, a piece of prose, a poem or even just one line. Write it down and keep it someplace where you can see it each day. Let it remind you of what’s most important to you.


Here is mine:


A Noiseless Patient Spider


I mark’d where on a little promontory it stood isolated,


Mark’d how to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,


It launched forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself.


Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.


And you O my soul where you stand,


Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,


Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them.


Till the bridge you will need be form’d, till the ductile anchor hold,


Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.


— Walt Whitman


 


Kathleen




 

		


		
	







	
	


		
The Arrival of Spring

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This post is about appreciating the arrival of spring. I’d simply like to share an article I read this week in the New York Times, “The Farm From Afar” by Verlyn Klinkenborg:


“Last week I got an e-mail from one of the two young farmers living at my small farm in upstate New York while I’m teaching in Southern California for the semester. She mentioned ‘green spears’ shooting out of the ground. The thought threw me into a vernal prolepsis, a mental flash-forward to spring, for which there must be a German word or a Chinese poem.


“I imagined the barn with the woodchucks beneath it stirring. I can picture the horses shedding winter, and their hair drifting across the snow.


“There’s plenty of spring in Southern California. Spring comes every time it rains, and it seems truly protean — herbs, trees, shrubs and flowers jostling one another, a mob of blossom, a fog bank of pollen. But I find myself missing the intensity of expectation that spring brings to the farm, the sense that the weather is rushing to meet a deadline, a linear thrust toward the heart of May. The cues come in sequence. One day it’s the hellebores, then snowdrops and then unruly forsythia.


“None of the real farmers in my family have been very good travelers. They went to war — World War II, Vietnam — and when they got home, they didn’t do much leaving again. Once I met an older farmer who told me he hadn’t missed a milking, morning or evening, in 40 years. It was more than just a sense of duty. It was a worry that things won’t go right — the corn won’t grow, the calves won’t fatten —unless you’re watching.


“In a small way, I know how that feels. Of course, the goldfinches will brighten without me. And the wild mint is already expanding its empire, I’m sure. The barn-loft door stands open, ready for the swallows. I’ll be along soon enough, just behind them.”


As I look out at the new blossoms on the trees and the daffodils in my garden this morning, I am reminded of the freshness of the season and how glad we are when it finally arrives. Enjoy the emergence of spring, wherever you live. Revel in its newness, its beauty and its promise


 


Kathleen