Ways to Deal With Feeling Overwhelmed

 

We all know what it’s like — that anxious feeling we get in our chests when we’re no longer able to keep it all under control. It’s the tipping point between having enough time to get it all done and running out of bandwidth.

When we have too much to do, we run from one thing to the next, without any time to digest what’s happening. Our ability to deal with others, to listen, to analyze, to be present to any one thing gets compromised, and life becomes a blur. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed that we become paralyzed and can’t seem to get anything done at all.

I wonder what would happen if I actually let myself stop in the midst of feeling overwhelmed? It’s the last thing I’m inclined to do as I’m running to keep up with the demands of my life. But what’s the worst thing that could happen? Would others think I’m a total slacker? Would I be letting other people down? What if I don’t get back to someone exactly when I said I would? Or if I don’t get the wash done or work on my presentation early enough to get it done right?

A big part of feeling overwhelmed is the inability to complete something to our satisfaction. We don’t feel good when something is only partially done or not done well. Quality work requires quality time and attention, and when we split our time between multiple things, we produce fragmented results.

So what’s the answer? Here are some suggestions for dealing with overwhelmed feelings from a World of Psychology blog entry, “Overwhelmed — These 6 Strategies May Help” by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Accept your anxiety.  Battling feelings of anxiety only boosts them. According to psychologist Marla W. Deibler, “It’s normal to experience some degree of anxiety when our stressors are unfamiliar, unpredictable or imminent.” Allow yourself to accept what is and ride out the wave.

Change overwhelm-inducing thoughts. Pay attention to what your thoughts are telling you. You can replace “I’ll never get this done” with “I may not get this all done today, but I can get at least a good portion of it started” to reduce your mounting anxiety. Also, thinking that we can control everything is a big stressor. Letting go of what we can’t control and focusing on what we can control reduces stress. Taking a break from whatever is stressing you out also brings relief — a short walk, a few stretches at your desk or a cup of tea with a friend or co-worker can help reduce stress.

Change your multitasking mindset. If you’re multitasking, you’re already doing too many things at once. Expecting quality results out of something that’s only getting a small portion of your attention is like expecting yourself to talk and listen simultaneously. Try driving a car and texting at the same time, and you’ll know what I mean. Allowing yourself to completely focus on what you’re doing is a relief. And the satisfaction of doing a high-quality job is wonderful. The idea that everything needs to be done right now is an illusion, and one that produces huge amounts of unnecessary drama in our lives. There is no need for the extra drama — one thing at a time is a discipline that’s essential if you want to keep your anxiety down.

Focus on right now. Just as allowing yourself to focus on one thing at a time is essential, so is being present right now. Each moment comes cleanly on its own. If we don’t fill it with old baggage and emotional anxiety, it gives us the space we need to just be in it.

Take a deep breath. When I’m feeling anxious, my breath becomes shallow and quick. If I can pause a moment to take a really deep breath and slowly blow it out, the fire of anxiety begins to dim. I can feel my feet on the ground, I can see out of my eyes, I can focus. Deep breathing encourages the body’s relaxation reflex.

Take action. To quell overwhelm, engage in an action that you enjoy. Listen to music or take a walk in nature. Chat with a friend about a happy subject or read a book. All of these activities can reduce stress.

Socrates said, “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” As good as it feels to be industrious, responsible and hard working, beware the life that holds no joy in its activities. Don’t forget to see the humor in your life and have a good laugh on a daily basis. Allow the joy of the moment to bubble up within your heart, and try not to take it all so seriously. Getting stuff done can feel like you’re accomplishing something, but when you don’t have time for what’s really important in your life, it becomes a wasteland of to-do lists that have checks by their entries.

Experiment with some of these suggestions to counteract your feelings of anxiety. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I hope they work for you.

 

Kathleen



 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Words from Thoreau – Take Time Off

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			


One of my favorite authors is Henry David Thoreau. He had a great appreciation for nature and the ability to truly rest in the moment. Here’s a post about having too much to do and not taking time out to rest and relax. It   includes some of Thoreau’s observations from his book “Walden”.


When I started working full time after college, I realized that part of being a grown up is giving up the freedom of childhood summers. I was so disappointed to discover that I had only two weeks of paid vacation from my job each year. How could I possibly pack all the summer fun into a measly two weeks? On the other hand, who could afford to take more time off?  I realized I’d taken for granted the fact that my parents had paid for my summer activities. I’d also taken for granted the freedom of those three months of time off each year.


This morning, I thought about all the things I needed to do today — clean the house, shop for dinner, prepare for an upcoming business trip, finish the wash and so on. On most days, I have a to-do list of tasks that fills my time. I thought to myself, “What if I just don’t do any of those things today? What if I go out and play instead? What if I just take a mini-vacation?”


This reminds me of an excerpt from “Walden,” the wonderful book written by Henry David Thoreau. I’ve shared these paragraphs before, but this morning, it seems particularly relevant considering my desire to take time off:


“There were times when I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether of the head or hands. I love a broad margin to my life. Sometimes, in a summer morning, having taken my accustomed bath, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a revelry, amidst the pines and hickories and sumacs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness, while the birds sang around or flitted noiseless through the house, until by the sun falling in at my west window, or the noise of some traveler’s wagon on the distant highway, I was reminded of the lapse of time.


“I grew in those seasons like corn in the night, and they were far better than any work of the hands would have been. They were not time subtracted from my life, but so much over and above my usual allowance. I realized what the Orientals mean by contemplation and the forsaking of works. For the most part, I minded not how the hours went. The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo, now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. Instead of singing like the birds, I silently smiled at my incessant good fortune. As the sparrow had its trill, sitting on the hickory before my door, so had I my chuckle or suppressed warble which he might hear out of my nest.”


Take some time out to give yourself a mini-vacation. Give yourself permission to go out and play, or as Thoreau did, sit in your doorway in silence and stillness, just being with the moment and whatever it brings.


 


Kathleen





		


		
	







	
	


		
The Harm of High Self-Orientation

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This post come from a The New York Times piece written by David Brooks. It got me thinking about self-orientation. The piece was about Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriquez and how, over the years, he has become more and more preoccupied with himself and his image.  It’s an interesting commentary on how this type of self-orientation can separate a person from his or her team, friends and family. These folks become the center of their own universe and forget that anyone else is around.


Self-preoccupation didn’t happen to Rodriguez naturally. It happened after promoters, agents and owners saw a rare talent and the money it could generate. Here’s part of what Brooks wrote:


“Rodriguez was a baseball prodigy from his earliest years. He batted an insane .505 his senior year in high school and had as many as 100 scouts at every game. When he was drafted first overall by the Seattle Mariners, he hired the super agent Scott Boras, who damaged whatever chances Rodriguez had of becoming a normal human being.


“Boras turned him into a corporate entity. In her book, ‘A-Rod,’ Selena Roberts reported that in the middle of his first contract negotiations, Boras had Rodriguez read a statement accusing the Mariners of being ‘low class.’ In other words, he was told to attack his first organization in order to squeeze a few dollars out of them. From the beginning, Rodriguez’s preoccupation was not with team, it was with self.


“By the time Rodriguez became a free agent, he was the marketing facade of A-Rod Inc. When negotiating with the New York Mets, Rodriguez’s handlers asked for the use of a private jet, a special hotel suite when on the road and a personal marketing staff. By the tine he reached the Texas Rangers, according to Roberts, a clubhouse attendant was required to put a dab of toothpaste on his toothbrush before every game.”


All of this led to an overly inflated ego that was insatiable in its quest for more and more attention. At the same time, Rodriguez had become overly sensitive to that attention. Ironically, the very special talents that lead him down this road were now threatened by his inability to deal with them. He has developed a reputation for caring more about his personal statistics than his team winning.


How does this happen to people? How do people become so overly concerned with their own performance, their own status (such as job titles and how high up they are on an organizational chart), their own ideas and even their own daily lives that they separate themselves and lose their ability to connect with others?


Like Rodriquez, many people with special talents get targeted by others who want to turn them into superstars. The great injustice is that once they become stars, it’s harder to relate to the team or the family. This alienation makes it more difficult to access their special talents, and the constant preoccupation with themselves continues to separate them. Being special can be a lonely place, and we often see superstars turn to drugs and alcohol to numb that feeling of being disconnected and alone.


As Brooks so aptly put it:


“My theory would be that self-preoccupied people have trouble seeing that their natural abilities come from outside themselves and can only be developed when directed toward something else outside themselves. Enclosed in self, they come to believe that their talents come from self, are the self. They have no outside criteria that tell them what their talents are for or when they are sufficient. Locked in a cycle of insecurity and attempted self-validation, their talents are never enough, and they end up devouring what they have been given.”


In the work environment, it’s difficult to trust people who constantly frame events in relation to how they affect them personally rather than how they affect the overall team. They are so self-oriented that we can’t trust them to be there for us when we need them. Part of good teamwork is sacrificing our own gains so that the team wins in the end. And part of belonging to the whole is knowing that we are only one part of that whole and not the entire thing.


It’s a worthwhile exercise to witness your own level of self-orientation. Are your unique talents and experience balanced with the talents of others on the team? Do you find that you dominate meetings by showcasing your talents? Do you give others the space to showcase theirs? How much time do you spend thinking about yourself during the day? Do you interpret almost all situations from the perspective of how this affects you rather than the broader view of the team? Do you compete with your peers to be the fastest, smartest, most creative and innovative, or most powerful? Do you throw others under the bus to gain the most advantage?


Each of us has sense of self. That self is often defined by the world around us and the people with whom we have the most interactions. As we age and acquire more wisdom, we see that these definitions may be pretty good when it comes to describing how we show up in the world, but they don’t really define our true selves at all. How we appear to others becomes less important. Rather than allow others to define whether we’re good or successful or special, we eventually learn to access our true selves. When we are in touch with our true self, we can more readily share ourselves with others. We revel in a sense of belonging and naturally desire to be true to what’s important to the group overall. When we alienate ourselves, we ultimately suffer. When we become overly preoccupied with our own concerns, our ability to embrace other people disappears.


People who have healthy self-esteem naturally value other people’s sense of self as well. Kindness and consideration of others predominates. These people consider what their team members need to be more successful. They encourage their team to be more considerate of other teams within the company, knowing that if they all win, the company wins. They think of ways to step back to allow others to shine.


One way to deal with high self-orientation is to intentionally put yourself in your teammates’ shoes. What’s challenging for them and how can you help? How are they feeling about the project and what does it look like from their perspective? How can you reach beyond your own concerns to help a family member or friend?


William B. Given, Jr., the famous business author wrote:


“Whenever you are too selfishly looking out for your own interest, you have only one person working for you — yourself. When you help a dozen other people with their problems, you have a dozen people working with you.”


Kathleen


 


 




 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Finding Meaning and Purpose

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This post is about finding meaning and purpose in our work and how that contributes to our overall happiness and sense of well-being.


Over 60 years ago, the famous Austrian psychologist Viktor Frankl wrote a book called “Man’s Search for Meaning,” cited by the Library of Congress as one of the 10 most significant books ever written. In his book, Frankl wrote that happiness cannot be pursued; it ensues as a result of living a life with meaning and purpose. The more directly you pursue happiness, the less likely you are to achieve it. Although pursuing happiness may result in momentary pleasure, it doesn’t lead to an authentic, soul-satisfying happiness that can come from living a life with meaning and purpose.


Frankl taught that people can discover meaning and purpose in three ways: by doing work that matters, by loving others unconditionally and by finding meaning in their suffering. When I read this, I understood the first two, but understanding the third took some time and thinking. In Frankl’s case, he was interned by the Nazis in 1942 and lived in concentration camps for three years. In reading about his captivity, I realized that he survived this horrible ordeal by believing that his life had a purpose and that all of his suffering was not in vain. His survival had everything to do with how he responded to his circumstances. If we suffer and think it’s because our luck has run out, we didn’t get a fair break or someone else has done us wrong, we feel nothing but despair. But if we choose to find meaning in our suffering, we can change our attitude about our difficult circumstances.


Many of us have heard the phrase, “Attitude is everything.” I think in this context, much of what Frankl wrote about illustrates the phrase. Each of us experiences loss and suffering in our lives, and there are many ways we can deal with it. For example, a few years ago, when my business was suffering because of the economic downturn, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to continue. However, instead of allowing myself to worry, I decided to use my time to study new coaching techniques and take some training courses. When business is good and I’m busy, I don’t have time to take the training that keeps my skills sharp. When I look back now, I realize how smart it was for me to use my time in this way. Instead of allowing depression to creep in and waste my time, I chose to use the time to my advantage. I still worried but not to the extent I would have if I hadn’t chosen to fill my time productively.


What helped me most during this time was the realization that I was able to do some good in the world. I wanted to keep coaching because I could see the value it brings to others. That deeper meaning gives me a sense of purpose. That sense of purpose helps me navigate through the obstacles that always come up when you run your own business and gives me a strong sense of determination to keep going.


Ask yourself if the work you do is meaningful? You don’t have to be on a mission to save the world. Each of us does small things every day that contribute to the well-being of others. The trick is to find the meaning in what you do, whatever it is. For example, there’s a dog-walking service down the street from my house and a small park about ½ block in the other direction. Each morning, a woman walks all kinds of dogs past my house down to the park for a run. She always smiles and waves at me when she walks by. One day, I was out on the sidewalk and I asked if I could pet the dog she had on leash. I remarked that I thought she was lucky to have a job working with dogs all day. She told me that she loved it. Although some dogs were pretty challenging, most of them loved going for their daily walks. She said it made her happy to be doing something that brought joy to the dogs. And she was glad to help out their owners, who because of work and other obligations didn’t have time to walk their dogs every day.


I realized that this woman probably doesn’t make much money. But her authentic happiness is easy to see. She loves what she does and finds meaning and purpose in it.


Discover what you do in a day that benefits others. Maybe you work in a financial function for a company and make sure that people get paid every two weeks. Or perhaps you work in a restaurant and enjoy bringing good food to your customers. How about writing computer code that enables others to access better information or redesigning the way something works so it’s easier for others to use? Maybe, like me, you work with people as a coach or a consultant and try to help them maximize their strengths or find better ways to accomplish things.


Stay-at-home parents who spend their days caring for their children, garbage collectors, bank tellers —the work these people do adds value to the lives of others. How we relate to the roles we play in our jobs is up to us. Our attitude toward what we do and our ability to find the meaning and purpose in it determines our happiness.


As Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”


 


Kathleen


 


 




 


 


 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
The Beauty of Small Meetings

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			


I read and interview in The New York Times business section with Paul English, the co-founder and chief technology officer at Kayak. It was conducted by Adam Bryant, the interview, titled “Ten People in a Meeting Is About Seven Too Many,” reveals why English believes that any more than three people in a meeting actually stifles creativity rather than enhances it.


Here are a couple excerpts from the interview that stood out to me:


“[At Kayak,] we’re known for having very small meetings, usually three people. There’s a little clicker for counting people that hangs on the main conference room door. The reason it’s there is to send a message to people that I care about this issue. If there’s a bunch of people in the room, I’ll stick my head in and say, “It takes 10 of you to decide this? There aren’t three of you smart enough to do this?


“I just hate design by consensus. No innovation happens with 10 people in a room. It’s very easy to be a critic and say why something won’t work. I don’t want that because new ideas are like these little precious things that can die very easily. Two or three people will nurture them and make them stronger, give them a chance to see life.”


Reading the interview made me think of the times I’ve worked on teams that came up with great ideas which eventually turned into a product or innovation. I can count on one hand the number of times this happened, and when it did, it was always a small team of people. We often felt like we had to keep our little project a secret — we referred to it as “skunk works” because we knew if too many people found out about it, they would tell us to stop working on it and do our regular jobs. I recall working for a high-tech startup that had grown from 12 people to 1,200 in four years. Once it got to more than 50 people, suddenly meetings became laborious. It took much longer to hear everyone’s opinions on projects, and a lot of the discussions didn’t lead to any result. It seemed to me that people went from being creative and focused to argumentative and confused. Everyone talked about the need for people to be more cooperative, but the more people who were added, the less cooperation occurred.


I’ve had an opportunity to work with many software engineers over the years, and I’m always curious about what type of environment they feel fosters creativity and innovation. When I was recruiting, I would ask them what kind of team atmosphere they enjoyed working in. Without fail, they would always tell me that smaller, more flexible teams were their favorites. They wanted to work in an environment where others encouraged them to experiment and test their ideas. One engineer told me, “I’m a geek, for sure, and my idea of the best place to work is a place where geeks are encouraged to be as geeky as possible. That is, take your creative ideas and see if you can make them work to enhance our product or design. Don’t get bogged down by having to follow processes or procedures — be hyperproductive and don’t be afraid to try things.”


In The New York Times interview, English went on to say the following:


“We’re a bit reckless in our decision-making — not with the business, but the point is that we try things. We give even junior people scary amounts of power to come up with ideas and implement them. We had an intern last summer who, on his very first day at Kayak, came up with an idea, wrote the code and released it. It may or may not have been successful, but it almost doesn’t matter, because it showed that we value speed, and we value testing ideas, not talking about them.


“It’s all about fast iteration. When you push down decisions and you don’t require people to write up plans and do designs by consensus, enormous amounts of work disappear. We cut out all the middle layers and let the designers talk to the customers. Otherwise, something gets lost in the translation with a lot of layers.”


I believe that different meetings serve various purposes. I agree with English when it comes to design and the exchange of creative ideas — smaller teams get more done. However, if you’re holding a meeting to deliver information about your company or about an issue that effects larger teams, then a larger meeting makes more sense. Know what your intention is for a meeting. Is it to get a better design or is it to communicate information out to a larger audience? Maybe you need to include all the relevant stakeholders, even those who are not necessarily touched directly by the project. Making a clear distinction about what you’re trying to achieve in a meeting — or setting an intention — helps to determine who needs to attend.


All too often I hear people say, “I can’t believe they didn’t include me in that meeting!” However, upon further reflection, people often realize that they actually didn’t need to be there and that an e-mail update about the meeting is enough. Understanding what role you play on a team and the importance of your participation is the sign of a mature person who doesn’t think they’re so special that they need to be in all the meetings.


Ask yourself if your meetings are actually producing the kinds of results that will move your company forward. Are people spending way too much time talking about things and ideas but never actually delivering anything? What about your most creative and innovative people? Are you encouraging them to test their ideas? Or are you extinguishing their creativity by telling them all the reasons their ideas won’t work? Are you piling on too many processes that weigh down their desire and commitment to create something new and exciting? Are your intentions and expectations about meetings clear to everyone? If you want people to come together to exchange ideas, state that up front. Also, don’t add people into a meeting just because you’re afraid they’ll feel slighted if you leave them out. Do they actually have a significant role to play in the outcome of the meeting?


What about the amount of time it takes your company to go from an initial design concept to the actual delivery of a product? Does it take weeks, months or maybe even years? Do you see your competitors whizzing by you at lightening speed as you sit in meetings talking about how to get things done?


Try encouraging your most creative people to meet up with just a few others who can help put their ideas into action. Encourage more agile ways for people to work together in smaller pods of people that can stay focused on a few things that excite them. If you have a larger team of managers who normally all meet together, try splitting them up into groups of three or four. Give them a subject to talk about or a problem to solve and then bring the groups back together to share their ideas. Run a contest between groups or encourage managers to ask their people to take a day to focus exclusively on their innovative ideas.


Think of ways your meetings can be a more positive experience for team members. Large, lengthy meetings are not fun, and they are often boring. People don’t tap into their creative spirits when they are bored and not having fun. No one wants their job to be a drag, and subjecting people to hour after hour of meetings only encourages them to stop paying attention. Try coming up with creative ways for your people to meet and exchange ideas. It may actually increase your company’s productivity, your people’s innovation and everyone’s ability to have more fun!


 




 


Kathleen


 


 




 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Horse Sense #2 – Getting The Message Across

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
Here is the second entry in my horse sense series. It illustrates the importance of having a strong intention about what you want to have happen and then a very clear message to go along with it.


One day, I arrived at my horse lesson determined to have a frank conversation with my teacher about how to get my horse to keep a safe distance from me. The last time I’d worked out with Treasure, my horse, she acted like a disobedient adolescent. As much as I tried, she wouldn’t do anything I asked her to do. She snorted and scraped the ground with her foot. She went the opposite direction of where I was trying to lead her, and wouldn’t look me in the eye or even in my direction. She seemed completely distracted by everything else around us – the owl in the rafters of the arena, the other horses in the stables, and any person that walked by. But, what was most irritating was that I couldn’t get her out of my space.


I tried everything to get her to back away. I jiggled the rope. I tapped her with my stick. I waved my hands up in the air. I even resorted to doing jumping jacks to get her to back up. She’d back away a bit, only to come right back. I finally reached the end of my patience when in trying to get her out of the round pen, she came right up upon me and attempted to shut the gate as I opened it. “YOU NEED TO BACK-UP”, I yelled at her. She looked at me and yawned.


I went away from that day very discouraged. As my lesson began, I explained to Debby, my teacher, what was happening. She asked me a few questions about what had I done to send the message to Treasure that I needed her out of my personal space. As I began to explain, Debby was suddenly right on me. Her body was right up against mine and her face was no more than a ½ inch from mine. “What are you going to do about this, she exclaimed, do you want me in your space, do you want me here, what are you going to do about it?” I squirmed, I struggled to push her back. “I weigh 1100 pounds,” she said, “you can’t move me… I’m not going anywhere. What are you going to do about it?” I tried to grab my stick to put it up between the two of us. I wanted to run away but the wall of the barn was right behind me. “MOVE BACK”, I yelled, but still, she stayed right where she was. I finally acquiesced. “I don’t know what to do”, I said meekly.


Debby backed up. “OK,” she said. “This is going to look ugly to you but if you want to get a message across to your horse, you need to mean it. If you give the lead rope a little wiggle and she doesn’t back up, you have to continue to strengthen the movement of that rope until she does. Give it a huge yank if you have to. You need to have a strong intention about what you want from her so your energy is also saying, ‘Hey, you’re in my space and that’s not ok, move back.’ It’s not angry or mean, it’s effective.”


As I worked with Treasure that day, I found that if I had a strong intention for her to move and made one swift circle with the rope, she backed right up. As soon as she did, I stopped to give her an opportunity to understand what I wanted. Pretty soon, all I had to do was give the rope a wiggle with some intention and she was backing up.


Here’s the lesson I learned. If you say it and don’t really mean it, the message doesn’t come across the way you need it to. Your intention must be strong and the message needs to be delivered without hesitation. If you doubt what your saying, that doubt comes across in your message. Horses, like people, need to know who the leader is. They actually enjoy being led and getting clear direction.


I saw an example of this in my work recently with a client. She needed to deliver a tough message to one of her staff. Her team member had dropped the ball on a big project and her disengagement was putting the whole project team in jeopardy of meeting its initial targets. To make matters worse, the manager and team member were also friends. It’s hard to wear multiple hats, e.g. one as the boss and one as friend, when you’re trying to manage someone.


The manager had already had one conversation with her team member where she told her, “Look, I’m not sure what’s happening here. But you’re responsible for making sure this project gets done on time. You seem to be disengaging. What’s the problem?” Her team member explained that she was having problems at home and it was affecting her work. The manager immediately put on her ‘friend’ hat and the rest of the conversation was about ways to resolve the home situation.


Now, the manager needed to have another conversation because the first meeting with her team member didn’t change anything. This time, she needed to get a strong message across that dealt specifically with her team member’s lack of focus on the project. Here’s how it went:


“I know you’re having problems at home, but I really need you to re-engage here. We have some definite delivery dates that can’t change and you’re in charge.” Her team member agreed that yes, she needed to take charge of this and the meeting was over.


After a few weeks, I asked my client how it was going with her team member. She replied that things were a little better, but she still wasn’t seeing what she needed. I asked her if she thought her messages about the project were clear enough to her team member. She replied that she was trying to get a clear message across but was also being sensitive to her team members personal situation. What I saw here was that the managers intention was two-fold. One, she wanted her team member to re-engage and work on the project. Two, she wanted to be sensitive to her team members personal situation. Thus, her team member was getting two messages.


In this example, you can clearly see that there were multiple factors weighing on the manager that were impacting her messages to her team member. I’m not advocating that managers not take into account the factors that effect their employees but, if you start off a meeting by giving one message, “I know you’re having problems at home” and then state the real message, “I really need you to re-engage here”, then it sounds like your priority is the first message rather than the second. This immediately takes away the power of the most important message.


Are you getting the message across to your team members that clearly states your intentions?  Are you being direct and clear? Do you find yourself starting off a tough conversation by filling in with unimportant information just to ease the tension? Are you trying to get too many messages across at one time that are confusing? Maybe you’re trying to lead the person into giving you the right message by asking them questions, when in fact, you already know the answer? The real question is, what’s your intention? If you need something to change quickly, is that sense of urgency clearly in your message? Perhaps you need to have a more exploratory conversation with someone. How do you state that intention? Or maybe you simply need to give someone directions. How does that message sound and look?


This past week, I learned about the importance of giving my horse a clear message. If I need her to move away from me, then I have to let her know that without confusion or hesitation. If my intention about what I want is strong and my message is clear, I’m going to have much more success in getting my message across. I’m going to try doing more of this in my day-to-day interactions with people, too. Try doing the same.


Kathleen


 


 




 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
How Quickly We Lose It

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			


Each of us has had the experience of ‘losing our cool’ in challenging situations.


My husband and I recently took a 10-day vacation to Great Britain. Inspired by our godchildren, who are spending the summer in Europe, we concocted a plan to surprise them in England, in an incredibly beautiful area called the Cotswolds. After a few days in London, we rented a car and took off for our destination, which was a few hours drive from the city.


Thus commenced one of the most trying three hours of our marriage. To start, our motorcar, as the Brits call them, was small, had a standard transmission and very little power. Second, getting into the driver’s seat on the right side of the automobile was disorienting. As we settled into our seats, my husband instructed, “I need you to be the navigator. It’s going to be challenging enough for me to drive on the left side of the road without having to worry about how we get there.” Little did I know how challenging it would be for both of us to fulfill these roles.


Getting onto the motorway was easy enough, although as we approached our first roundabout, trying to remember to stay to the left and watching other cars sail past us on what seemed to be the wrong side of the road gave both of us a hair-raising preview of what was to come.


Once off the main motorway, we drove along country roads that were no more than 9 feet wide, surrounded on both sides by hedgerows that were sometimes 12 feet high. How were we supposed to navigate our way down these roads when we couldn’t see what was coming up or even when another car was approaching from the opposite direction? Each time a car approached, it struck panic in both of us. The amount of jockeying that had to go on in order to pass the other car was a complex set of maneuvers. After both cars came to a screeching halt, we were never quite sure if we should back up, drive forward, move sideways or what. Once we managed to get past another car, I often found an assortment of broken plant matter in my lap from the hedgerow because we usually swiped the hedges in our attempt to get past the opposing traffic.


All this, and I had to navigate as well. Those of you who know me may be thinking, “Never make this woman the navigator.” I am good at a number of things, but navigation is certainly not one of them. I don’t think in terms of direction, and I have a hard time envisioning which direction I’m going at any given time. If the sun’s out, and I can look up and see if it’s not high noon or dark, then I can tell you which way is east or west. That allows me to then determine north and south. But short of that, I am lost.


So I’m in the passenger seat (in what I think should be the driver’s seat) with two maps open on my lap, my cell phone (hoping to use my GPS), the map my husband has copied for me on his iPad and a compass (as a last resort) in my hand. I won’t go into the sordid details, but suffice it to say that after 2½ hours of struggling to read road signs (which were cute but not accurate), trying desperately to figure out where we actually were, and lots of shouting and accusations, eventually we ended up completely lost. As my husband pulled over to the side of the road — a space that could not have been more than 2 feet wide — we realized that this situation had taken us to the limits of our ability to get along. I remember thinking, “I can’t believe I married this guy!”


This was a humbling situation. I saw how quickly I can lose it — even after all the meditation and spiritual work I’ve done over the years. Despite all of my attempts to be more “Buddha-like,” there was definitely no Buddha in the car that day!!


It’s easy for us to be calm, cool and collected when we’re not feeling challenged. But in situations where our abilities are in question, it’s easy to descend into backup behaviors. How quickly we move into negativity and resentment!


It’s a useful exercise to observe how tense situations change your state of mind and actions. What can you do about it? Maybe it’s appropriate to argue and express your thoughts. Or maybe you need to step back a bit. Is it really so important to try and prove your point or convince someone that you’re right and they’re wrong?


When I get angry, I try to breathe through it. This technique helps me have more perspective. That day in the car, however, I couldn’t neutralize my anger. I was completely caught up in trying to defend myself. At one point, I thought, “This is one of those times when I could say something I really don’t mean, and it’s important right now to be aware of what I’m saying.” In the heat of an argument, we often say and do things we regret later. I didn’t want that to happen. Fortunately, my husband and I managed to not do any lasting damage. But I know that a trusting relationship can be threatened pretty quickly by viperous words and actions.


Try stopping in the midst of an argument, if possible. I recall having a heated discussion with a co-worker when suddenly she said, “Wait, let’s stop for a moment. I’m not sure this is worth arguing about.” We just stood there in silence for a few minutes and realized that we were making a mountain out of a mole hill and that trying a different approach in the discussion was going to work much better for both of us.


However you choose, take a look at what happens when you feel you need to defend yourself or want to argue your position. Is it worth it? If you do need to express yourself that strongly, are you prepared for the consequences?


As my husband and I continued our journey in the car that day, we reached an intersection that I thought would tell us where we were. There we sat, at a crossroads surrounded by high hedgerows on all sides, without a sign in sight. In complete frustration, I looked at the compass. My next statement truly summed up the entire experience as well as my ineptitude as a navigator: “This must mean that north is west of here!” In disbelief, my husband just shook is head.


Take a look at how you lose it in challenging situations — and if it’s really worth it. And if you never lose it, well, that’s worth looking at too!




Kathleen





		


		
	







	
	


		
Success in Recruiting

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			


Let’s take a look at the evolution of the recruiting process and tips for finding a new job — or the right candidate.


Here’s a snippet from a recent Business Insider article, “Moneyball at Work: They’ve Discovered What Really Makes a Great Employee” by Max Nisen:


“Hiring decisions have always been limited to a few imperfect factors, including what appears on a resume and what impression a candidate gives off in an informal interview.


“That’s all changing.


“As Dan Shapero, LinkedIn’s VP of Talent Solutions and Insights put it, ‘Recruiting has always been an art, but it’s becoming a science.’


“Using new tracking and analytic tools, researchers have learned to value things like adaptability, social and emotional intelligence, resilience and friendliness, as well as raw intelligence.


“Companies are scouring the Internet for data about potential employees’ professional lives, applying the big data technology to years of employee surveys and tests, and even picking up new data from specifically designed games.”


In my years as a recruiter, I always new that a person’s resume only addressed what a person had done with a small indication of how they had done it. It gave me information about someone’s education and the different jobs they’d held. What it didn’t address was who the person was, how they reacted in different situations, what motivated them, what happened to their behavior when they were under pressure, what really engaged them and so on. If I was lucky, I might get a small indication of who a person was at the bottom of their resume if I found a line like this: “Personal Interests — hiking, bird watching and cribbage.” That line provides an opportunity to get into a very different kind of conversation with a candidate. You can learn a lot about someone if you ask why he or she loves to play cribbage. Does he enjoy the competition? Perhaps he likes moving the pegs and counting up his points. Maybe his grandfather taught him how to play and he loved spending that time together. Regardless of what the personal interests were, as a recruiter, I was often relieved to see that line on a resume because it gave me a way to discover something meaningful about the person.


In today’s world, recruiters use all kinds of tools and modes of discovery to find out who someone is and how he or she behaves. Many companies use behavior assessment tools to understand more about candidates’ motivations and preferred behaviors. Having candidates participate in games as part of their interview process gives employers much more information about how someone thinks, reacts and succeeds. Asking candidates to make a live presentation to team members reveals a lot about how they compile information and deliver it to a larger audience.


A company called “Knack” has a variety of games that help companies find the behaviors and personality traits that boost productivity and performance.


“Cognitive ability is a small fraction of what we measure,” says Guy Halfteck, Knack’s CEO. “We measure everything from creative abilities to emotional and social intelligence, to how you think and make decisions … how you interact with emotions, understand emotions, how you learn new information, how curious you are about the world.”


Educational background has always been a key element in hiring decisions. But today, having an advanced degree from an elite university doesn’t mean you’re a shoe-in for the job. It’s not how much you’ve learned that’s important but how agile your mind is and how adaptable you are. It’s the ability to pick things up quickly, to learn on the job and to take initiative. Anyone who can get thrown into a new situation and figure out how to thrive is the candidate companies select. 


Resiliency is another factor. It’s the ability to hear “no,” time after time, and still return to try again. 


Having strong emotional and social intelligence is also key to anyone’s success, no matter what industry you’re in. I used to tell my candidates, “You may have great ideas, but if you can’t explain why someone needs your ideas or products to succeed, if you can’t sell them, they won’t matter, and neither will you.”


The Business Insider article goes on to address what companies in today’s world are looking for in selected candidates. Here’s a sample:


A diverse background — Exposure to other cultures, languages, customs and traditions far outweighed many other traditional factors such as what college you attended when it came to someone’s success. 


Friendliness — Enjoying people is a big factor in service-oriented jobs. Companies have found that when someone is a happy person, other people want to be around them because happy people enjoy sharing their happiness with others. One study done by a grocery store chain found that the most successful stores had the happiest employees. They smiled at customers when they came in and asked if they needed help finding anything. This was their effort to emotionally connect with customers in a positive way. 


Raw processing power — At the end of the day, how sharp you are still matters. Being able to quickly process information and conscientiously apply it is key to anyone’s success. These two aspects of someone’s baseline attributes are an indication of his or her raw potential. With the advent of AI, knowing how to use it is paramount for today’s candidates. 


Professional presence — Today, companies expect you to have a professional profile online that exemplifies your professional brand. Most recruiters are looking for passive candidates. That is, people who aren’t actively looking for a job but keep their professional backgrounds updated on sites such as LinkedIn. Through research on these sites, recruiters are able to see people’s background details and more — what their interests are, examples of their presentation skills, lines of code they’ve written, software they helped design, their strengths and behavioral styles, etc. 


Consider your presence in the digital world regarding your personal brand. Do you have an old resume that is outdated? Do you have a LinkedIn profile? Maybe you use other forms of electronic media to let the world know who you are and what you’ve done. Whatever it is, make sure it’s updated and that it addresses the kinds of things that recruiters are looking for in today’s world. 


If you’re looking for good candidates, using the old method of poring over stacks of resumes, either on paper or online probably won’t get you great results. Try researching candidates’ backgrounds on the Internet and finding better ways of screening applicants. Work out a set of good behavioral interview questions that you can use to find out more about who your candidates really are and how they act on the job. Investigate companies such as Knack and others that are using games to find out more about how candidates problem solve, think creatively and take initiative.


The recruiting world has changed dramatically in the past 10 years. Many more tools are available to all of us for finding the right candidate or finding the right job. What we used to call “chemistry” between people is still an unpredictable factor.  Get smarter about the way you present your professional and personal brand and don’t rely on chemistry or college GPA to get you the job you want. 


And when interviewing candidates, make sure you understand who a person is before you hire. It’s often that “who” factor that makes or breaks a person’s ability to be successful in your company.


 


Kathleen


 


 




 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Horse Sense #1 – Dealing With Fear

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 Good day, team.


 


Today’s challenge is about fear and what to do about it. It’s also the first of many challenges that I’m categorizing as “horse sense.”


 


 


What started out as a way for me to overcome my fear of heights has become a doorway into an entirely new presence in my life: horses. Eighteen months ago, I thought that learning how to ride a horse would help me overcome my fear of heights. When you sit on a horse, you are pretty far off the ground. Not only that, but they move. The idea of combining these two things turned my stomach into knots. Still, for some reason, it seemed like the right antidote for my fear of heights.


 


 


Over the past year, I have persevered by attending horse clinics and exposing myself to some calm and friendly horses. Last week, I finally took a leap of faith and leased a horse named “Treasure” for the summer. I’m not quite ready to own a horse (it’s a big commitment and expense), but I realized that if I’m going to learn about natural horsemanship, I needed to have a partner to help me. Treasure is 15½ hands tall. She’s black with brown eyes and has a very sweet disposition. She’s a Tennessee Walker, which means she should be a very smooth ride if I can ever get up enough courage to get on her!


 


 


Over the summer, I’ll be writing about the horse sense I’m learning from Treasure and our ongoing experiences with each other. Experts say that a horse mirrors its owner, and if that’s the case, I’m in for a journey of self-realization and reflection as well as some lessons in my limitations.


 


 


Yesterday, I went out to the stables where Treasure lives and had my first lesson. I was excited. I got up early and decided I would get to the stables 30 minutes early, put on her halter and take her out of her stall to spend some time getting to know her. I arrived at her stall, halter and lead rope in hand with positive expectations. She immediately stuck her nose through the stall door to greet me. She seemed happy to see me, too. With great confidence, I opened her stall door. As I approached her with the halter, she took a step toward me, stuck her head in my chest and wouldn’t back up. No matter how hard I tried to push her back, she wouldn’t budge. With 1,200 pounds of four-legged animal pressing on me, fear coursed through my body. I quickly removed myself form the stall and shut the gate as quickly as possible. Treasure’s ears pricked up and stretched backward as if to say, “What just happened? I thought we were going to do something fun, and now I’m afraid of you.” I stood outside the stall and looked at her while my heart pounded in my chest.


 


 


“I can’t do this,” I thought. “What was I thinking? I’m too afraid to learn how to ride. I’ll never be able to train or ride this horse.” I had to take a walk and settle myself down. After walking nervously around the stables for a while, I approached her stall again. She was still standing where I’d left her. We looked at each other. “Who are you?” she asked. She stomped her foot as if to say, “I want to move my feet, let’s get out of here and go do something.” As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t get up the courage to open the stall door again. I stood there paralyzed.


 


 


Pretty soon, an elderly lady walked toward me in the barn. “Hi there,” she said. “How ya doin’?” “I’m scared to death,” I admitted. “I’m brand new to all this, and when I went to halter her earlier, I couldn’t get her to move away from me, and it frightened me so much I just rushed back out of the stall and haven’t been able to get back in since.”


 


 


“Well, Treasure sure does love attention,” she explained. We stood in silence for many long minutes as my heart rate settled down. “This will get easier over time,” she reassured me. Then she held out her hand, “My name’s Kathleen,” she said with a broad smile. “Good to meet you.” “Gosh,” I said. “That’s my name, too!” As I shook her hand, I felt the waves of fear begin to disappear. “You know,” she said, “I’m in my 80s, and I’ve been around horses since I was 5 years old. I’ve learned a lot from them over the years. I’ve made lots of mistakes with horses, but I’ve learned that it was usually my fault and not the horse’s. You and Treasure will learn a lot from each other.” I pondered this as we stood in the barn together listening to the horses in their stalls.


 


 


Later on during my lesson with Kathleen’s daughter, Debby, my instructor for the summer, I felt my fear ebb and flow. Each time my heart rate speeded up, Treasure seemed more upset, more anxious. Each time I calmed down, so did she. There must be something to this mirror business, I thought.


 


 


What did I do in my first lesson? I sat on a half-barrel in the middle of the round pen with a bucket of carrots hidden under my shirt. Treasure ran around and around me until she finally slowed down and came over to check me out. She sniffed me and nudged me a bit with her nose and then just stood there making full eye contact with me. Each time she fully acknowledged me with no fear or anxiety, I gave her a carrot. And each time she took a carrot from my hand, she became a bit more confident, as did I. I didn’t bribe her. I just gave her a treat for treating me the way I wanted her to. I congratulated her for calming down and getting to know me. And she rewarded me by getting over her fear and allowing herself to approach me.


 


 


You may be reading this thinking, “What kind of horse riding lesson is that? You just sat in the middle of a pen for an hour and let the horse run around you?” But I can’t begin to explain how important that hour was for me. I’m setting a foundation of trust with my horse, and every little thing that happens between us will be a reflection of many more moments to come. As Debby instructed, “You don’t want any surprises with your horse.” I couldn’t agree more. I also know that if I ever do own a horse, surprises will come. The real question is, how prepared am I when they do come?


 


 


This week, notice where your fear comes up and how it impacts those around you. Are you being asked to do something you’ve never done before? Are you feeling paralyzed? Maybe you have to have a difficult conversation with someone, and you’re experiencing a mixture of fear and dread. What are you doing to embrace the fear and then move past it? You could take a walk like I did if the fear becomes too much to contain. Or you could engage in a conversation with someone who can help you see your fears from a different perspective. Perhaps you’re lucky enough to learn from someone who’s dealt with these same fears before and can walk you through steps to help you gain your confidence. Does your fear strike fear in others? How can you help neutralize your own fear so that others around you calm down and see that everything is going to be all right?


 


 


I suspect that Treasure and I will learn many valuable lessons from each other as the summer progresses. I’ll share more horse sense with you as I learn it.


 


 


As Ray Hunt, the famous horse trainer and natural horsemanship clinician, said, “My goal with the horse is not to beat someone; it’s to win within myself. To do the best job I can do and tomorrow try to do better. You will be working on yourself to accomplish this, not on your horse.”


 


 


Have a good week!


 


 


Kathleen


 


 


© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
What Body Language Can Tell You

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
I’ve been thinking a lot about body language lately. A client of mine sent me an article on this topic, that perfectly captured what I’ve been noticing in myself and others.


“Are You Mad at Me?”


Years ago, a colleague pulled me aside and asked, “Are you mad at me?” I wasn’t — not at all — but the question stayed with me. I later realized that, in the middle of a tight deadline, I’d likely been walking through the newsroom with a furrowed brow, lost in thought. That brief expression was enough for someone to assume something was wrong.


That moment taught me how easily others interpret — and misinterpret — our nonverbal cues, even in meetings held via video. From then on, I made a conscious effort to show clarity, confidence, and optimism, especially when leading my team.


Many leaders have shared similar experiences. Employees often read body language more closely than words. Concerned expressions can quickly spark concern in others.


One story that has always stayed with me comes from Linda Hudson, former president of BAE Systems. On her first day as the first female president of General Dynamics, she wore a new suit with a uniquely tied scarf. The next day, a dozen women showed up wearing their scarves the exact same way. It was a striking reminder that leaders are constantly observed — from what they say to how they behave, carry themselves, and set the tone for their organizations. As she put it, the awareness and responsibility of that visibility stay with her every day.


Another thing to consider is how people respond to your facial expressions. Try “picking a face” that aligns with the situation you’re in. This doesn’t mean having one fixed expression — it means choosing the expression that best communicates the message you intend to send.


Pay attention to how others’ expressions shift when you speak with them. They often mirror yours. If someone furrows their brow, check whether you’re doing the same. If you smile while someone is describing a difficult situation, you may unintentionally signal that you’re dismissing their concern.


Start by observing your own habits. Notice if you tend to tense your face, roll your eyes, or look distracted without realizing it. Adjust your body language so it conveys clarity, presence, and respect — and reduces confusion for those around you.


Your expressions set the tone. Choose them intentionally.


Here’s the lesson –  become more aware of the messages you send through your expressions and body language at work. Small adjustments can significantly influence how others respond to you.


Kathleen