The Importance of Human Connection

I had an experience once that seemed an appropriate topic for this post since we are officially now in the holiday season.

On a flight back to Portland, I sat next to a 10-year-old girl named Bailey. When I first saw her, she seemed just like any other little girl, but as I sat down next to her, the flight attendant informed me that Bailey was a “challenged child” (an odd term) in that she could not speak. However, the flight attendant went on to say that Bailey would understand everything I said to her and could communicate with movement and expressions.

This news made me immediately uncomfortable. As I buckled my seatbelt and settled into my seat, I realized how awkward and confused I felt. Should I speak to her or not? What kind of response would I get from someone who couldn’t speak? Did she even want me to interact with her? It was as if this little girl were made of fine porcelain and if I didn’t treat her very carefully, she might break.

Fortunately, Bailey immediately put me at ease with her beautiful smile and sparkling blue eyes. When I said hello to her, she smiled and waved hello. The plane took off, and I began to read a magazine. The many Christmas advertisements featured pictures of snowflakes, stars, icicles, presents, etc.

Each time that I turned a page and a picture of a star appeared, Bailey pointed to the star and looked at me and smiled. I would then say, “Yes, that’s a star.” Before long, I noticed that I was actually looking for more pictures of stars so we could communicate with each other.

Coincidentally, there was a boy sitting behind us about the same age as Bailey. I realized before long that he talked pretty much continuously, first about the game he wanted for Christmas, then about his friend’s new cell phone, then about school, then about his Dad, and so on and so on.

After awhile, I realized I had toned him out. I may have been open to hearing what he had to say in the beginning, but after so many words, I was no longer interested. And yet, every movement and expression of the little girl sitting next to me, who couldn’t speak a word, kept me keenly interested in what she was communicating.

This experience made me think about our basic need to connect with each other as human beings, and the importance of allowing our emotional beings to reach out to each other in any way possible. When we take up all the space by talking about ourselves and don’t allow the other person to respond, the connection is lost, and the speaker becomes a nuisance rather than someone we want to know.

Bailey taught me something fundamental about our true nature as human beings. Wordlessly, her communication came through loud and clear. Her loving nature spoke volumes, and our communication had a quality that I don’t often experience when I talk with another person.

At one point, when a picture in the magazine appeared that showed animals around a beautifully decorated holiday tree, Bailey took my hand briefly and pointed my finger to the star at the top of the tree. Her open heartedness moved me with such warmth and joy that it brought tears to my eyes.

Try connecting with others in ways that you don’t normally.  Experiment with being more present to someone who is speaking to you so that you can not only hear her or his words, but can also notice expressions and gestures. Perhaps you’ll try greeting someone with a smile and some eye contact instead of a hello. If you find that you tend to talk a lot about yourself, try to ask other people questions about themselves instead. Practice listening more, especially to the words that are not being spoken, so that you can have a different experience in your communications.

And finally, be grateful that you have the amazing ability to connect and communicate with others in so many ways. By meeting Bailey, I understood that some of us are not so fortunate and that many of the things we take for granted, like saying our name, are not possible for others.

During this holiday season, be thankful for your ability to let others know what you think, how you feel, and who you are. And don’t be afraid to really connect by allowing the beauty of your heart to speak out, whether it’s in words or silence.

 

Kathleen

 



 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
How Alignment Connects Execution to Vision

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


One of the most important aspects of successful organizations is how they align the work their people do to the vision they craft for the future of the company.


I’ve been reading an excellent book, “The Work of Leaders: How Vision, Alignment and Execution Will Change the Way You Lead” by Julie Straw, Mark Scullard, Susie Kokkonen and Barry Davis. The book starts out by describing two scenarios:


“Scenario One: The CEO sends out an email announcing the company’s ambitious sales goals and then takes the afternoon off to go golfing. The employees are left with no clear process, no strategy and no delegation of responsibilities. Without direction or rationale, everyone is worried about making mistakes. There are whisper sessions along the rows of cubicles. When something goes wrong, the finger-pointing begins. Trust and morale are low, and this is reflected not only in their ability to execute but also in interactions with their customers.”


“Scenario Two: At the quarterly all-company meeting, the CEO stands before a simple map of the company’s strategy. ‘These are the three platforms that lead to our success,’ he says. ‘If your work isn’t related to or supporting one of these things, then please stop what you’re doing because you’re not working on the right stuff.’ Since clearly establishing this vision, the company has been aligned from the CFO who tracks the top line to the customer-facing people who work on the front lines. All are focused on what they need to do to execute the vision, and all are invested in the process. They openly collaborate, challenge one another and celebrate accomplishments as they reach milestones.”


Obviously, we know which scenario makes the most sense and will yield the best results. And yet, we’ve all seen many variations of Scenario One play out in our work environments. We see people working away, often having way too much to do without a strong sense of how their efforts are helping the company meet its goals. Often, the goals change frequently, and communication to employees may or may not relate to the strategic vision. It’s hard for people to connect what they’re doing every day to the company’s overall success unless someone connects the dots for them, and that’s a big part of what leaders’ jobs are all about.


Warren Bennis, author of numerous best-selling books about leadership said, “Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.” This is certainly a big part of a leader’s responsibility to insure an organization’s success. But, equally as important, is the ability for a leader to verify that the execution going on within the organization supports that vision.


Many of my clients who are managers complain to me that their people are working on the wrong things. “Why can’t they prioritize?” is the question they often ask.  Some people do have more difficulty making distinctions when analyzing what’s the most important thing to do. However, often the reason people can’t prioritize is not because they’re lacking in that skill, but because they don’t know enough about the company’s vision or goals to know what to prioritize. They have loads of stuff to do, and unless someone above them has made it really clear what’s most important, they will just keeping doing the stuff as it comes up.


Employee alignment is too often left out of the equation. I call it the glue securing that the vision (what leadership has envisioned or the end goal) and execution (what people are doing) come together in reality.


Straw and Davis’ book goes on to give leaders three areas that require the most focus when helping to achieve employee alignment:


•    Clarity

o    Explaining rationale

o    Structuring messages


•    Dialogue

o    Exchanging perspectives

o    Being receptive


•    Inspiration

o    Being expressive

o    Being encouraging


Ask yourself if you’re giving or receiving the right kind of information about the vision and strategy of your company so that your team members can align their duties.  When asking employees to prioritize, are you clear and do you offer concrete ways for them to support the vision? Also, how inspiring is your communication? Do you keep changing the goals, making it difficult for your team members to hit their targets?  And, are you receptive to their ideas about better ways to execute in order to meet the goals?


People can toil endlessly doing things that may not make your vision take shape.   Make sure you haven’t left out the glue that makes everything come together. Without alignment, your ship could go in a completely different direction than you wanted and your people will only get more and more tired as they row in the wrong direction.


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
What It Means to Have Grit

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


My husband recently told me about a Ted Talk he saw on the subject of grit delivered by Angela Duckworth, American academic, psychologist, and author.


In the talk, Angela Duckworth outlines why some kids in school do better than others. Interestingly enough, studies show that it’s not IQ, not talent and not social intelligence. What really makes the difference is “grit” — or, as she defines it, the passion and persistence to achieve long-term goals. Check out the full Ted Talk online: www.ted.com/talks/angela_lee_duckworth_the_key_to_success_grit.html.


Years ago, I saw Terri Dial, the first woman to become a Vice Chairman at Wells Fargo Bank, give a speech about success. Dial started out at Wells Fargo as a teller, and over the years, she rose within the organization. Eventually, she became the first female vice chairman at the bank — only one of four women in the world who had achieved that level of position in a financial institution. When I saw her speak, Dial shared what had helped make her successful: being in the right place at the right time, having an insatiable desire for learning, not being afraid of new technology, etc. But what really struck me was what she said when she was taking questions from the audience at the end of her speech. “What one thing has been the single, greatest factor in your success?” someone from the audience asked. After a long pause, Dial replied, “Well, I guess it’s that I just keep showing up. At the end of the day, it’s about persistence and continuing to show up in the good times and the bad. Whether you’re succeeding or failing, you just keep showing up each day to do the work.”


I was struck by the simplicity of her answer and also by how much her statement resonated with me. At the time, I had been an executive recruiter for 12 years. I realized that much of the success I had achieved was because I just kept showing up. Some days I was highly successful; other days I felt defeated and a failure. Some years I made more money than others, and there were days when I was convinced recruiting was the wrong profession for me. For more than a decade, I lived through boom and bust times and the rising and falling of the recruiting industry and job market, but it was my stick-to-itness that had made me successful. As one of my best clients remarked one day, “I have to hand it to you — you are persistent. Year after year, you just keep calling me!”


I worked with a team once that kept track of people’s attendance. Out of the 62 people in the department, there was one guy named Frank who had perfect attendance. He wasn’t the brightest guy on the team or the most savvy. But, each day, Frank came into the office with a smile on his face and an attitude that said, “OK, I’m here. What’s going to happen today? I’m ready for it.”


At the end of five years, Frank made more money than anyone else in the department, and he had the best attitude. Each year, when he got his performance review, he was consistently rated a top performer but not the highest-level performer. The one consistent comment that showed up on every review was that Frank had perfect attendance. Each year, he received the highest possible raise within the department because of the combination of his good performance, consistent attendance and positive attitude. Frank wasn’t the smartest guy on the team or the superstar, and he didn’t stand out for having the most potential, but he was the one who showed up every day with that gritty attitude of persistence and passion for what he did. Frank wanted to win in the long run — and he did.


We so often equate success with money in our culture. And yet, the people I know who are truly successful are the ones who have a gritty approach to their vocation or profession and don’t worry so much about the money. They have that level of determination that sees them through whatever their business presents them with. And their passion for what they do, far exceeds whatever depression they experience in their temporary failures. Look at someone like Warren Buffet, the famous investor who made his first investment when he was eleven years old. He’s been investing in companies and activities for more 70 years! Some of his investments have been real losers, while others have been wildly successful. Through it all, Buffet has shown up at his offices in Omaha, Nebraska, day after day, year after year to take on the next project.


Do you have the grit it takes to be successful. Do you see yourself changing jobs frequently because you’re bored? Do you think you should be more successful than you are? Maybe you aren’t willing to do whatever it takes to overcome the obstacles in front of you or within you to make something work. Are you someone who is willing to put the time in and keep showing up each day?


Think about what it means to have grit — passion and persistence. Find that place within yourself that reminds you how important it is to keep at it, no matter what. Like Frank, you may not be the superstar in the short term, but you might just win in the long run.


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Introverts As Leaders

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


Let’s explore the psychology and actions of introverts and their ability to lead and manage others.


Our culture fosters a misconception that people who are introverted by nature do not make good leaders or even know how to manage others. This idea comes from years of conditioning by extroverted leaders who naturally know how to actively persuade and direct others. Take Bill Clinton, for example; he was a classic extroverted leader. Whether you agree with his politics or not, you can’t argue that he had a talent for being able to influence large numbers of people through highly persuasive public speaking and politics. Although some people found his behaviors to be questionable while he was in office, there was no doubt that he could lead people to get what he wanted and generally brought both parties together to reach agreements.


There are many good examples of extroverted politicians and leaders, but highly introverted people are usually not in that same category. Introverts are usually more analytical than verbal. They tend to avoid risk and conflict. They don’t tend to be natural cheer leaders or aggressive sales people. We might describe them as “nerds,” and we rarely think of them as people who can lead the charge, rally the troops or inspire the team.


This is an inaccurate perception, however. In fact, I work with many introverted leaders. They bring their special talents and thoughtfulness to the team with just as much ability to influence and inspire, but they do it differently than their extroverted team mates. They often wait until the rest of the team has argued about an issue before they offer their solutions. Their enthusiasm and passion about a product, process or service offering might show up in the way they share innovative ideas or their ability to help others figure out how to get things done. They inspire trust through sincerity and authenticity rather than by trying to impress others. And they often make others feel comfortable enough to openly share new ideas as well as adhere to processes to get things done.


While the extroverts cheer the team on, the introverts deliver the goods. An introverted leader will influence the overall team and company results by helping the cheerleaders figure out how to deliver a solution. In this way, an introverted leader or manager is a great example for the other introverts on the team.


I have one client who told me, “I often don’t say anything in meetings. I’ll have a thought, but then the analytical part of me talks me out of saying it because it doesn’t add enough value to the meeting.” When his boss gave him feedback that he needed to speak up more, he couldn’t think of anything very useful to say. This often happens to introverts. They have extensive internal filtering systems and will lose an opportunity in the moment to share because they’ve filtered out the idea or are not fast enough in their response. Of course, it’s also aggravating for them to sit through lengthy meetings where the extraverts seem to talk just to hear themselves speak.


Dwight Merriman,  who was chairman and co-founder of Mongo DB and DoubleClick, is a self-proclaimed introvert. He thinks it’s a myth that most CEOs are extroverts. In a New York Times interview, he spoke about his leadership style as an introvert.


“I think my style is pretty plainspoken and non-hype — and to be transparent. Some people might be sincere, but you don’t feel that air of transparency because they’re too busy selling and everything is pitched with an extra 10 percent.”


Because he is a naturally shy person, Merriman says he is much more comfortable with one-on-one short conversations and prefers using e-mail for minor communications. When it comes to giving more difficult feedback, however, he always uses face-to-face meetings where the awareness of body language is important.


In their book “Strengths-Based Leadership,” Tom Rath and Barry Conchie profile Brad Anderson, the CEO of Best Buy, and outline his five top strengths. Anderson is a great example of a highly introverted leader who identified his strengths and built a company around them. He spent much of his childhood in libraries, loving the process of studying what made things work and generating lots of ideas. When he started Best Buy, he wanted to create a company of people who knew more about the products they sold than their competition. This idea of expertise was his value proposition, and he built the company’s culture around it. As it turned out, much of Best Buy’s success has been because it has the most knowledgeable sales people in the industry. It’s a great example of how an introverted leader used his strengths to build a profitable business, rather than trying to act like an extrovert.


Rath and Conchie describe Anderson this way: “As much as Anderson’s look and demeanor may not fit the conventional CEO mold, his actions and personality wander even farther off the beaten path. Yet, over the past 25 years, Anderson took an unknown regional electronics store and helped make it into the largest consumer electronics retailer in America. The amazing story of his career’s trajectory is only overshadowed by the organization’s performance during his tenure.”


They described him looking and acting more like a history professor than a CEO. And yet, they also wrote that his sincerity and level of warmth make him one of the most approachable people they’d ever met and that the employees of Best Buy loved him for that. In fact, it inspired them to be that way with their customers.


If you’re an introvert by nature, think of ways that you can maximize your more quiet and thoughtful ways. Perhaps you notice that you bring a level of calmness into a meeting that makes others relax and feel more like participating. Maybe your analytical disposition allows you to study a problem for a long time and come up with good solutions for the team. Don’t be afraid to share those ideas, even after all the extroverts have expressed their thoughts. Consider taking a public speaking class so that you can learn to speak more comfortably in front of groups. Your approach will be different than someone who naturally does well in front of a crowd, but that won’t make you less effective. It will just be a difference in style.


What strengths do you bring to the table and how can you showcase them best? That’s the real question. No one expects any of us to be great at all things, and each of us needs to find the areas where we add the most value. The world would be a pretty boring place if we all lead and managed others in the same way. Build your management and leadership styles around your strengths as Anderson did at Best Buy. Not only will you be happier doing it in your own signature style, but others will see your authenticity. Studies have shown that people feel more encouraged following a leader who they see as being true to themselves rather than trying to act like someone they’re not. And that’s as true for introverts as it is for extroverts.


When Rath and Conchie asked Anderson how he was able to provide leadership for more than 150,000 Best Buy employees, Anderson described the critical role of his self-awareness and authenticity. While he may not be a natural at working a room or chatting up a store full of front-line employees, he has developed a unique way of connecting with Best Buy employees, customers and shareholders. He simply asks great questions.


You can lead others in a number of more introverted ways. Find your particular style — what really works best for you — and try that out with your employees this week. You may not influence the team like an extravert would, but if you can be true to yourself, people will want to follow your authenticity and unique strengths.


*Note: For more information on this subject, there’s a wonderful new book entitled “Quiet”, by Susan Cain that I highly recommend.


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Impeccable Communication

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
Over the years,  we’ve all seen how gossip and unprofessional behavior can negatively impact us. It shows us the importance of impeccable communication in the work place and in our lives. It also shows us how hard it is to maintain.


Recently, I asked a few of my clients what is one important factor they try to keep in mind throughout their everyday interactions with others. Many responded with the same advice: Try to speak consciously and with integrity.


In countless employee surveys each year, communication continues to be the issue that everyone says is most important. Either there’s not enough of it or what exists is incorrect or misleading — and sometimes it turns into destructive gossip. Companies spend millions of dollars a year trying to improve their employees’ communication skills.


We are individually responsible for the way we communicate. If I tell a colleague that I appreciate the work he’s done, but I roll my eyes disdainfully, he’ll obviously get a mixed message. And the message he’ll believe is the one communicated in my facial expression, gestures or tone of voice. Our body language speaks volumes. We often forget that communicating involves not just our spoken words but also our unspoken actions.


Our minds are like fertile ground in which seeds can be planted. When we speak the truth and encourage the same in others, that fertile ground sprouts healthy plants that flourish. We often don’t realize how much our words affect others until we find out that some negative comment we made in the past has blossomed into an ugly rumor that people now believe to be true. Don Miguel Ruiz writes, “Your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.”


I’ve been trying to speak with integrity for many years now. It is a challenge for me each day. Sometimes things come out of my mouth that I’m unconscious of. When they are repeated back to me, I’m surprised to learn I said them. Other times, an emotion is so strong that I feel compelled to say something in spite of my better judgment. In these cases, what I say is not very productive, and I find myself regretting the way in which I expressed myself. My intention to communicate consciously and with integrity is there, but that intention is sometimes not strong enough to catch my words. If I can be present in the moment about my feelings, I have a better opportunity to temper the words before they are expressed.


Try to speak consciously and with integrity. I’m going to take my cue from a bumper sticker that read, “Try not to do anything unless it’s necessary, responsible and kind.” If you replace the word “do” with the word “say,” you’ll end up with some sound advice for better communication.


Kathleen

		


		
	







	
	


		
Work Ethic and Success

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This post is about work ethic and success.


In thinking about work ethic, it reminded me of a remodeling project we embarked on we started tearing down our 102 year old garage to convert it into my new office space.  This is a dream I’d had for awhile, but after meeting with an architect and engineer, I soon realized that the realities of turning such an old, crumbing structure into something suitable for my current day professional needs, was far more extensive and expensive then I imagined.


After I received my first bid from a contractor for this project, I pretty much decided that it wasn’t worth doing.  Discovering that the cost could be almost twice as much as what I had expected was enough to talk me out of it, not to mention all the permits, notifications to neighbors, licensing, etc. that would be needed to even start the project.


After talking with my reasonable and steadfast husband who reminded me that we would have to do something about the garage since it was in such a bad state, I continued down the path of getting more bids in hopes that someone out there could do the project within our budget.


On my third try, we found a contractor named Gerry who came much closer to our original budget. More importantly,  he had a way about him that gave me confidence that a quality job could actually get done for a reasonable price within an agreeable time period.


So what made Gerry different than the others?  As we sat in our living room with him in our first meeting, I realized that Gerry had a way of approaching everything in the project as ‘doable’.  The other contractors emphasized parts of the project as being ‘very hard to do’ or something that would take exceptional effort on their part (which only translated into more dollar signs to me), in contrast to Gerry who would say, ‘This will be tricky, but it’s very doable’.  He gave me the hope that we could get past the tough parts.


Secondly, Gerry assured us from the beginning that he would try to approach the project as if he was doing this to his own house.  He would look at every cost and try to get the best price possible. I had heard this in varying forms from the other contractors, but for some reason, I didn’t quite believe them, particularly after I saw their total cost estimate.  I knew from everything I observed about Gerry – his old wristwatch, the beat up truck he drives, his faded U of O sweatshirt – that he loves to get the best for the lowest price. His philosophy reminded me of my mother-in-law who’s always had an uncanny way of getting something for nothing, the result of having grown up with very little and turning it into quite a lot.


As we began the project, I quickly saw Gerry’s work ethic and commitment.  Although he lives 30 minutes in good traffic from my house, he showed up early each morning, ready and raring to go.  It was still summer when he started tearing down the old garage, so he used some of his high school aged kids to help. They had a great time doing the destruction.  Gerry knew that my neighbor was quite concerned with the project since a wall of our garage is only one foot from the wall of her garage.  Each day, Gerry found a way to chat with my neighbor to assure her that he was doing everything possible to guard against any damage to her structure.  Throughout each stage of the project, he continued to give me detailed information about what he was doing and why. He continued to ask me what I would prefer and gave me pricing information to help me make decisions about lumber, windows, doors, etc.


Most importantly, he worked from early morning until late afternoon, with only 30 to 45 minutes for lunch in his truck, to get the work done.  And, he’d done most of it himself.  As I watched him pick up large sheets of plywood, shovel out huge amounts of dirt and gravel, install skylights, and re-do decking, I was amazed at his energy and drive.  The work that has been sub-contracted out had been equally inspiring to watch.  All of his sub-contractors loved working with him and had been working with him for, in some cases, 25 years.  The concrete guy commented to me, ‘Yup, Gerry is reliable. He sticks to a schedule and is always there to give us what we need to do the job. And, most importantly, he pays us on time!”


During the course of the project, we had a mini-monsoon. For 3 days, torrents of rain fell on Portland. At one point, I looked out at the project from an upstairs window and it looked like a swimming pool. Throughout all 3 days, Gerry continued to work steadily as the water poured off the rim of his hat.  Instead of seeing it as insurmountable, he took it as an opportunity to create a much better way to divert water around the house and away from the garage and porch.  By the third day, he jubilantly reported to me that the water was gushing out of the new pipe he had installed – a sure sign that he had fixed an age old problem that the house had had for more than a century. Seeing his smiling face in the rain as he pointed to the new pipe, I realized what joy this guy gets from doing the work, even in the worst conditions.


Taking all this into account, I’ve learned some great lessons from Gerry about work ethic. Here are the high points:


1)    Nothing is impossible – if you have the attitude that whatever the problems are, there is always a solution, you won’t get overwhelmed or give up.  It’s all in how you see the problem – what to some is insurmountable, to others is an opportunity. Anything is ‘doable’.


2)    Run it like you own it – if you personalize what you’re doing, people will see the ownership you’re taking. Putting yourself in the customers shoes makes a huge difference in seeing what’s most important to them. If this was your house, your business, your deal, what would you want to experience?


3)    Show up and stay engaged – there’s a lot to be said for just showing up each day with consistency and commitment.  Keeping yourself physically, intellectually and emotionally engaged throughout the project is a key to your success. Your level of engagement impacts the entire project and you’ll find that it’s often mirrored by everyone else involved.


4)    Work hard – there is no replacement for hard work.  When someone is paying you to do a job, they watch you. They take note when you’re there and when you’re not. They notice when you put in the extra bit of effort to accomplish something. They feel your level of enthusiasm and determination.


5)    Stay cool and have fun – in the midst of all the work, a cool head and sense of humor goes a long ways.  Something always goes wrong, and the ability to not overreact and use logic and good problem solving skills to make your way out of it, is worth a great deal. Plus, having a good sense of humor throughout the project is an added bonus.  At one point during the monsoon, I saw Gerry slip in some mud and as he picked himself up off the ground, covered in mud and muck, he commented, “Well, the wife will have no doubt that I was playing in the dirt again today.”


Try experimenting with some of Gerry’s work ethic and habits.   Maybe you already approach your work in the same way he does. But see if there’s something I’ve listed here that you’re not doing.  In my case, I realized that having that ‘can do’ attitude sometimes eludes me.  If I get overly analytical about something, I tend to focus on everything that can go wrong, get overwhelmed, and don’t even start the thing I’ve wanted to do. It almost happened to me with this project and it was only with my husband’s steady encouragement and Gerry’s ‘everything is doable’ attitude, that got me started.


Whatever it is, take a lesson from Gerry to help you, not just do the work, but to do it with commitment, reliability, and determination.  You’ll impact everyone else around you and have a better time doing it!


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Blaming Others

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


Blame is one of the most destructive attitudes to cultivate when in a dispute with someone. Whether you disagree with a family member, a friend or a teammate at work, blame plants the seeds of distrust, which in turn creates suffering for everyone involved.


When someone blames us, we go into defense mode. But the reality is: If we are trying to do our best, there is nothing to defend. Pay attention to how often you defend yourself with others. More important, notice how often you defend yourself internally with thoughts such as, “They really don’t understand me. I’m the one who was right; they just don’t get it.” Sooner or later, this inner defensiveness gets projected out onto to someone else.


What strikes me most about this is the partnership that blame and defensiveness form in working against us — particularly when we’re trying to play on the same team with someone. At the heart of this defensiveness is our overwhelming desire to be right. This desire, along with wanting to look good or appear smart, is so overwhelming that it blinds us to whatever anyone else is saying or doing.


I remember my father talking with my mother over dinner one evening about his colleague Bill. Bill always had to be right, always had to put himself in the best light possible and could not be trusted because he focused entirely on making himself look good. My father said, “Bill is so determined to be right that even when he’s wrong, he’s often the first to point it out so he can be right about being wrong!” I remember thinking how awful it must be to worry about what other people think about you all the time.


On reflection, I realize that what my father said that evening about not trusting Bill is at the heart of this issue. We can find other people to be reliable, competent and friendly, even committed to the same goals we are, but if we think their chief motivation is to make themselves look good or that their goal is merely the next promotion, a big bonus or a chance to pump up their ego, we won’t trust them.


When our self-image is at stake, many of us go to extraordinary lengths to defend ourselves. Sadly, though, the self-image we’ve created is imaginary, and so we end up defending something that doesn’t exist. I often ask my husband, “What do you see me doing?” because I cannot see myself. I’m too close to my well-honed self-image. I purposefully have to check in with myself to inquire about my true motivation. Am I only doing this to make myself look good? Have I taken anyone else’s well-being into account before I pursue a given course of action?


Some of the people I consider heroes — Gandhi, Jane Goodall, Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama — have never been afraid to be wrong in the eyes of others when it comes to the well-being and welfare of their fellow beings. I hold them in high esteem and often think, “What would they do?” before I act.


Take notice of when you tend to be the most defensive. If you blame others when something goes wrong, ask yourself if blaming them will lead to a good outcome. How much of your motivation is about making yourself look good rather than what’s best for the team? Be courageous in your inquiry.


The Dalai Lama advises, “When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy. Pride leads to violence and evil. The truly good gaze upon everything with love and understanding.”


Kathleen

		


		
	







	
	


		
The Importance of Belonging

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
 


This post is about our need for friendship and belonging.


When my 93-year-old mother-in-law became quite ill, it became apparent that after a long life of hard work and joyful activity, the matriarch of our family was now fading fast. As we stood by her bedside, saw her frail body and listened to her labored breathing, we struggled with the thoughts and emotions that inevitably come when you lose someone you love.


She had stopped eating. At each mealtime, we all tried to encourage her to take a few bites from the tray of food in front of her, but she would not. As her weight continued to drop, her face began to look more and more skeletal, and it seemed that with each passing day, the specter of death drew closer.


As this was happening, more and more people came to visit her. She lived in an apartment on the first floor of an assisted living center near the front entrance. At mealtimes, when the residents of the center made their way slowly with the aid of canes, walkers and scooters to the dining room, they had to pass my mother-in-law’s room and often stopped in to see her on their way. When she became ill, the number of outside visitors who came to see my mother-in-law also increased. Everyone in the family stepped up their visits; we wanted to make sure someone was visiting her every day. And we engaged hospice and home nursing care for her as well.


At first, I wasn’t sure if all this traffic was good for her. What if someone had a cold — or worse? If she caught any type of virus at this point, it would be her end. What if she just needed peace and quiet? All this activity could take too much energy from her and not allow her to heal.


As the days wore on and we were all preparing for her demise, she began to get a little bit better. Slowly, she began eating again and gained back some of her strength. She went from napping most days to sitting up in bed chatting with visitors. We were all surprised by this change and wondered what precipitated it. In trying to get more information from her about the change in her behavior, we asked asked why she had stopped eating, her reply was, “I wasn’t hungry,” with her usual frankness. And now, apparently, her appetite was back.


Sitting with her one day at lunchtime, I watched as the steady stream of visitors came to see her on their way to lunch. It was an entertaining bunch of old-timers. There was the 94-year-old ex-Marine who still wore his “Semper Fidelis” cap and told WWII stories; the woman who wore purple and called Mom “Sweetie,” which I don’t think Mom particularly liked but smiled when she says it anyway; the friendly woman who delivered stuffed animals to the very ill residents so that they always had a smiling stuffed rabbit or puppy propped up in the chair next to their bed for company; the couple who lived just down the hall who were always holding hands; and the 98-year-old fellow who delivered my mother-in-law’s newspaper to her each day with a smile and sat by her bed to discuss the day’s headlines. I realized that all of these people who bring their love and friendship to her were keeping her alive. They helped her feel like she belonged there with their loving kindness and attention. They give her a reason to continue to be a part of the community.


It’s so important for all of us to feel like we belong. Whether it’s to our family, group of friends or work team members, our sense of belonging is essential to our well-being. Our need for connection and contribution is part of our genetic makeup and without these things, we become more and more separate from humanity and ourselves.


Allowing yourself to experience the joy of being connected to those you are closest to is such a joy!  Revel in the moments of love and affection you have with your family. Appreciate the time you spend with your teammates and what you discover about each other. Allow yourself to fully embrace the feelings of trust and commitment that come from working day in and day out with the same people. And remember how together you all make up a much bigger and better world.


As my mother-in-law started to feel better, she began to ask her caregivers to leave her front door open so that she could see the other residents walk past her door.  As the other residents passdc by, they wavec and yelldc out, “Hi Jean, how ya doin’ today?” She always gave them a big smile and waved back with the comment, “Well, I’m still here!”


 


Kathleen


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Horse Sense #3 -Give Them Some Rope

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This post is the third installment in my Horse Sense series: “Give Them Some Rope.”


I hadn’t always wanted a horse, but after a serious fall down a flight of stairs, I thought learning to ride might help with the post-traumatic stress I was experiencing. With no prior experience, I chose to lease a wonderful horse named Treasure for the summer. Over three months, she taught me lessons that resonate far beyond the stables.


One of the first lessons was about allowing her to do things her way instead of imposing my will. One morning, I found Treasure in the pasture enjoying her breakfast. Convincing a horse to wear a halter and follow a lead rope is never easy, but that day she complied with only a few snorts.


I intended to work with her on a long lead line, so I attached a 24-foot rope instead of the usual 12-foot one. This gave her more freedom but required greater patience from me. Almost immediately, Treasure tested the rope’s limits, pulling faster and stronger than I expected. Each time I yanked back, she stopped, confused. My mixed signals—offering freedom but then taking it away—were only creating frustration for both of us.


This dynamic is familiar in management. We often give others responsibility, then intervene when things don’t go exactly as planned. The result? Confusion, resentment, and missed opportunities for learning.


During one lesson, Treasure performed the task I asked—but in the “wrong” direction. I yanked the rope, and my instructor asked, “Did you want her to do it your way or to do it the way she’s learning?” The point hit me: progress is progress, even if it looks different from what I imagined. By letting the rope slide a little and gently guiding her, she could explore, learn, and eventually succeed.


How often do we fail to recognize accomplishments because they don’t match our expectations? Many clients express frustration when empowered to lead a project only to have it taken back due to micro-management. The solution is simple: give them more rope. Provide space to learn, and intervene gently when necessary.


Allowing room to explore—even if it initially takes a detour—encourages growth and learning. By releasing rather than yanking, we remain engaged in the process, support independence, and see the results for what they truly are.


As Benjamin Franklin wrote:

“Tell me, and I forget. Teach me, and I remember. Involve me, and I learn.”


Kathleen


 


 


 


 

		


		
	







	
	


		
Losses and Gains

		
	


		

	


	
	


	


		

			
This post is about losses and gains.  


A few years ago, my my weekend was seriously disrupted by the theft of my car. It was parked in front of my house and someone stole it during the night. When I went out in the morning to drive it away, there was nothing but a big empty space.


When I saw that my car was gone, I immediately wondered if I’d actually parked it in front of the house. I thought back to the evening before  and realized that before I went to bed, I’d looked out the window and seen it parked there. Fear began to course through me. I was asleep while they stole my property, defenseless in my naïve slumber. I felt the intrusion – someone had invaded my personal space.  


I began to think, “What had I left in the car?” Nothing that couldn’t be replaced, but it made me angry to think that they’d gotten my horse supplies, my favorite lap blanket, the new panama hat my husband just gave me for our anniversary, and the $10.00 in quarters I stashed in the special change compartment. How many CD’s were in the glove box? What else had I left in the car? It was disturbing to think about some thief rifling through my auto paperwork, reading my registration and the receipt for last winter’s snow tires, or using my lip-gloss. That all seemed much too personal to share with someone who didn’t give a hoot about me and wasn’t afraid to steal my car.


I thought about who would do such a thing? I imagined nasty looking guys who were part of a car theft ring, targeting my car on the street, and towing it away without any regard to the damage they would inflict upon it. Why did they have to steal my car? Why do they have to steal anything at all? What kind of life does someone have that they have to steal someone’s car? I realized that this kind of thinking wasn’t going to help and maybe I could think about this loss differently. 


I have seen many times that with loss there is also a gain. This is often hard to see when the sting of the loss is happening.  But, over time, the gain becomes more apparent. 


After the initial shock of losing my car started to wear off, I realized that cars belong to the category of stuff. Losing stuff is minor compared to losing animals and people. It’s inconvenient and irritating to have to deal with insurance adjusters and police and the lack of transportation for a few days, but it’s a minor pain compared to the tragedy of losing a loved one. 


I began to think of what I might gain from this loss.  Losing stuff makes room for something new to come in. When I looked at my calendar for this coming week, I realized that I could walk or take public transportation to anywhere I needed to be. I could ride my bike like many of my close friends in Portland do. The weather was perfect for walking and bike riding and both would be good exercise.


Maybe I would need to get another car. Although I enjoyed having an SUV for the first time, I always felt this car was too expensive and I didn’t need that much room. Frankly, a very good salesman talked me into purchasing the car and I always felt like I paid way too much for it. Perhaps this would give me an opportunity to make a better deal and get something that’s in a better price range. 


Mostly, I realized that in the world of loss, this is a minor mishap. When my good friend lost her dog recently, I thought of how hard that loss can be. He was her close companion for many years and she had basked in his unconditional love. Living without that love is a loss that is hard to endure. And yet, my friend is so grateful for the time she had with him. That gratitude has taken some of the sting out of the pain of her loss and left her with wonderful memories of her faithful companion. I wonder what the gains will be from her loss. Perhaps she’ll have more freedom to go places without having to worry about who will take care of her dog. Maybe, sometime in the future, there will be another dog that will come into her life. 


Today, I remembered the story of the Buddhist monk who saw the gain in his loss. He was in town helping to feed the poor when his little hut on the hill caught fire. As much as the townspeople rushed to try to put the fire out, the hut burned to the ground. As the monk approached the smoldering embers and piles of ash that had been his home, the townspeople moaned over his loss. “We are so sorry,” they exclaimed, “we tried to put the fire out but the wind was too strong.” The monk looked upon his neighbors with affection and gratitude. Then, he looked up at the evening sky. “Well,” he observed, “now I have a much better view of the moon.”


The next time you lose something, try finding the gain. Sometimes just knowing that there is almost always a gain makes dealing with the pain of the loss a little bit easier to bear. 


 


Kathleen