Great Wisdom From The Ancient Ones

 

I read some quotes this week from people who have reached the age of 100. One is actually 102. I was amazed at how much their straightforward wisdom helped me through my week. I thought you would enjoy reading the quotes-they are very simple and true.

– You can’t control other people. You can only control your reaction.
– Don’t hold on to anger-you’ll just make yourself miserable.
– When playing Scrabble, don’t use up your S’s right away.

– When looking for a mate, avoid a fast talker. Go for someone who’s steady.
– Volunteering gets you away from your own worries.
– More is not necessarily better. Going for first or biggest often leads to unhappiness.

– A person never gets too old to love.
– If you expect perfection from everyone, you’ll be all alone.
– You’re better off alone than with bad company.

– Anything you love is important.
– Children love praise. They’ll do something again and again just to get you to praise them.
– You’ll always need your friends.

– Never feel sorry for yourself.
– Parents should respect their children, just as children should respect their parents.
– If you worry about being old, you will be old.

– Don’t forget to do one thing that makes you happy each day.
– If you’re lucky, you’ll laugh more at the age of 100 than you did at 50.
– The older I get, the less I know. What a relief! It was such a burden to be a know-it-all.

– Get enough sleep, take a short walk each day, see what’s in front of you.

 

Kathleen

 

The Opportunities That Lie In Every Problem

 

This post is about the opportunities that lie in each problem.

I’ve been reading a book recently about the 1918 flu pandemic. The doctors and scientists who struggled to find a cure had to spend many years studying the problems that caused the disease. Most failed. Some of the doctors who worked on finding the cure became frustrated by their lack of success and quit their search early on claiming that the flu was actually a form of pneumonia, a disease they thought they understood. But, the doctors who didn’t become discouraged by failure after failure and continued to study the problems created by the disease, discovered many new opportunities. These opportunities led to numerous breakthroughs in medicine that eventually changed the way all doctors understand bacterias and viruses and how to treat them. And, one doctor actually discovered DNA, the foundation of our genetic design. This doctor was never discouraged by any problem he confronted. A problem would arise, he would try to solve it, and inherent in that exercise, he would discover more problems and try to solve them. This went on and on for 40 years! Eventually, in his 70’s he discovered what he never anticipated finding, and changed the course of history.

This teaches me how powerful opportunities are that arise out of problems. It’s in our ability to persevere when we can’t find easy solutions, that we are empowered to make new discoveries. In visiting a client last week, I saw this quote on the wall near her desk. It expresses this thought so well;

“Every problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity. You’ll find that every situation, properly perceived, offers opportunity. As fast as each opportunity presents itself, use it. No matter how tiny an opportunity it may be, use it. You’ll find new frontiers when you have an open mind and a willing hand.”

Consider the problems confronting you. Don’t be afraid to investigate them. Try considering new solutions
or ask another team member for some suggestions. If you’re becoming discouraged, look at the problem from a different perspective. Remember the doctor who kept looking for solutions and didn’t give up in the face of more problems.

 

Kathleen

 

An Effective Framework For Having Hard Conversations

 

This post is about having hard conversations with others with some suggestions that are helpful.

This subject comes up with my clients more often than any other. It is certainly one of the most challenging things we have to do as supervisors and managers. It’s also incredibly challenging for us to do with a friend, spouse, intimate relation or family member. Why is it so hard for us to tell others the truth?

At the heart of this is something most of us fear: That what we say could permanently alienate another person. Communication with others is difficult enough without having to potentially embarrass or offend someone. But inevitably in a work situation, we must have hard conversations with people from time to time. Whether it’s the person who reports to us who’s chronically late or our co-worker who says inappropriate things to customers, at some point each of us has to take the risk of offending someone else by pointing out what needs to be made
clear.

And no one likes to be corrected. Therein lies the problem. When we have to confront others, we invariably remember how it makes us feel to be corrected or criticized (even if we know it’s constructive criticism).
So we chicken out because we don’t want the other person to feel bad. Sometimes we think we have more leeway with friends and family, but the results are often not what we would wish.

Most companies have programs that train managers how to have difficult conversations. These programs advise that staying with the facts, framing the message in a positive way, inviting the other person into the conversation to get his or her views first and then offering another perspective are all good ways to deliver tough messages. But the bottom line is that “The sting of a reproach is the truth in it,” and sometimes trying to avoid or sugar-coat the message makes the entire communication even less effective than it would have been if we’d just said what we needed to say and moved on. When I think back over my career, the best messages I’ve received were often the hardest to hear. I try to recall that insight when I’m heading into a difficult conversation with someone, instead of worrying about how that person will react.

One effective framework for navigating difficult conversations is the 3–2–1 approach. The conversation begins with Step 3: the big picture. At this stage, the speaker frames the discussion around shared goals or a broader perspective that includes both the speaker and the listener, reinforcing common purpose.

The next step is Step 2: acknowledgment of the other person. This involves recognizing the individual’s circumstances, pressures, or contributions in a thoughtful and empathetic way. For example, the speaker might acknowledge increased responsibilities, workload, or stress that may be influencing behavior.

Finally, the conversation moves to Step 1: the speaker’s perspective. Here, the speaker clearly and respectfully explains how the situation is affecting them and the team, sets expectations, and invites collaboration toward a solution. This step focuses on impact and accountability while maintaining a constructive, problem-solving tone.

Why is it so important to step up, to have these difficult conversations and tell the truth? Because in the end, deep down, we all know what is true. And relationships based upon anything other than the truth will not last. In a work environment, nothing is potentially more corrosive than avoiding an obvious truth by suppressing it, lying about it, or most commonly, pretending it doesn’t exist. Maintaining these deceptions takes up too much energy that could otherwise be channeled into productive work. Once spoken, the truth can actually set us free.

Challenge yourself to have the difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding. Consider who you need to speak to and give some consideration to what the best way is to deliver the message to that person. Try to be
sincere and plain-spoken. If you speak from your heart with a clear message, you can’t lose. The listener may have difficulty hearing the words, but she or he will recognize your sincerity and the clarity of your message.

 

Kathleen

 

 

 

February 13, 2006

Good day, team,

The coach’s challenge this week comes from a quote by famed author Mark Twain. When I read his words recently, they inspired me.

“Now and then a man stands aside from the crowd, labors earnestly, steadfastly, confidently, and straightaway becomes famous for wisdom, intellect, skill, greatness of some sort. The world wonders and admires, idolizes, and it only illustrates what others may do if they take hold of life with a purpose. The miracle or the power that elevates the few is to be found in their industry application and perseverance under the promptings of a brave, determined spirit.”

This week’s challenge is to find some purpose in the work you do. It doesn’t have to be large or grandiose. It can be as simple as “My purpose is to create a healthier work environment for my team” or “My purpose is to stay gainfully employed so that I can continue to support my family and sustain what’s most important to me” or “I purposefully approach each task with presence and mindfulness so that I can do my best in everything.”

Think about your purpose in life as it relates to your job. It may serve to inspire you to take a new, refreshing look at how your daily work serves a higher purpose.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

January 30, 2006

Good day, team,

This week’s challenge comes from an article from “Fast Company” that one of my clients shared with me. In “Can C.K. Prahalad Pass the Test?” technology professor and CEO C.K. Prahalad shares what he’s learned so far in his many years in business, giving great advice on leadership and managerial skills.

1) *When the going is roughest, leadership matters*. In times of trouble, Prahalad says, “Leaders must behave like emotional and intellectual anchors. There are no external cues now. The critical issue is about faith, passion, and, most important, authenticity-so people know you are not pretending. People see a sham.”

2) *Successful managers embrace discomfort*. “If you do precisely what you’re supposed to do, and you’re boxed in, then you’re going to do that very well.” But if pressed to do things that aren’t in your normal job description, he says, the challenge can push you to a new level of achievement.

3) *Great leaders stay on message*. For Prahalad, nothing is more important than reminding people what his company stands for. “I spend a lot of time talking about what we’re doing in terms of strategy. You have to give the same message over and over again.”

4) *It’s not one person. It’s not the team. It’s both*. A painting of a pack of wolves in Prahalad’s office symbolizes the combination of leadership and teamwork that pervades successful organizations. “With wolves, solidarity is first,” says Prahalad. “But when they hunt, they change roles. The implicit hierarchy depends on who does what. In an organization, one unique person makes a difference, but you need teamwork to make it happen.”

5) *Think? Act? Balance the two*. “In a company like ours, if we want to do something, we can just call a meeting. But in a small company, you have to exercise caution and build your own personal dampers so that you don’t act on everything. Sometimes not acting may be smart. But if I get the feeling that everybody’s becoming so thoughtful that nobody’s doing anything, I want to go and light some fires somewhere.”

Your challenge this week is to choose one of these five suggestions and apply it practically in your job. Maybe you will try being more authentic with your team members, or perhaps you’ll consider not doing something instead of forging ahead. You might choose to consider whether you’re consistent in your messages to your team and whether you’re sharing strategic direction as well as tactical suggestions. Whatever you choose, see if it makes a difference with your team.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

*Many thanks to Mike Costello, manager from Wells Fargo Bank, and his team member Asha, whose uncle is the subject of this article. I appreciate your sharing his wisdom.

January 23, 2006

Good day, team,

The challenge this week is about realizing that we are not indispensable and working to cultivate backup and support. At this time of year, we are much more susceptible to colds and flu, and we often find ourselves struggling with the question “Am I well enough to go to work?” Yet we all know that it’s pretty stupid to go to work when we’re sick. Not only do we function poorly, but we also expose others to our illness. I often see whole departments affected because one person felt that he or she was well enough to go to work, and then many other people in the department caught that person’s illness.

So why do we go to work when we’re ill? Perhaps we think that we’re indispensable and the work won’t get done if we’re not there. This is an illusion. Anyone who has been away from work for an extended period of time knows that somehow the work gets done. At times it’s done better by the person who pitches in for us when we’re out! One of the advantages of being part of a team is that our team members support us when we need it most. There’s nothing more gratifying than being able to help someone when they really need us.

Unfortunately, none of us wants to think that we can easily be replaced, so often we make unreasonable demands upon ourselves to show up to get the work done. Generally, people who think they’re indispensable have a difficult time letting go of control. Be honest with yourself. Are you cultivating this attitude because you’re really afraid that if you don’t do it, the work won’t get done at all, or because you can’t control the outcome? We all know that it’s never just a single person who accomplishes a task, but a team of well-coordinated, talented people who make it happen. No one is indispensable, and thinking that we are keeps us imprisoned in our fear of losing control.

Try challenging your attitudes about being indispensable this week and look at whether or not you have sufficient backup. If you don’t have people to delegate to, set up a good support system for yourself in case you have to be out of work for a time. Ask yourself, “Who do I rely on most for support?” Let the person who supports you know how much you rely on them. This helps a lot when you wake up some morning with a splitting headache and sore throat. With one phone call, you can easily engage your team member to take over, and that person won’t be surprised by the request.

Having backup also makes it easier when you call your boss to say you won’t be in. You can reassure her or him that the work will be done by your team member and that the team is covering for you. If you work on your own, take a look at your network of business associates and friends. See if there’s someone who can back you up if you need it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a trusted friend or colleague. You may find that person asking you to return the favor, and then you both get to feel dispensable but valuable!

Have a great week and stay healthy!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

January 15, 2006

Good day Team,

The coach’s challenge this week is about appreciating diversity. It’s also about making you’re way through this long e-mail. There’s a story here, so this week’s challenge is longer than usual.

By some stroke of luck, I find myself in Nice, France for a week. It’s a jewel of a place with the beautiful blue water of the Mediterranean and the pastel pinks and and whites of the limestone buildings in perfect compliment to each other. After 27 days of gray, cold, rain in Portland, the sun here shines brightly and is a welcome sight.

Upon arriving yesterday, I realized that I was quite ill. So, I went to the nearest pharmacy to describe my malady in hopes of being given some medicine that would cure me. Of course, I needed to use my very limited French, which is comical to most French people since it doesn’t sound like any language they have ever heard. They’re generally very amiable with me, which helps a lot when you’re not feeling too well. The pharmacist heard my symptoms and advised me to go to the hospital since it was Saturday, late afternoon and there would be no doctors available until Monday. We both agreed that waiting until Monday to see the doctor would be too difficult given my condition, so off I went to the hospital. Thankfully, my husband was with me throughout all of this. I must admit, I was frightened, so having support was very helpful.

We arrived at the hospital and stood in line at reception. I began to look around. The first thing I noticed is how old everything looked. There were no fresh coats of paint on the walls or slick, high tech doors that opened quietly as you approached them. This was obviously an old hospital; well used and broken in. The second thing I noticed was all the different kinds of people who were standing in line, milling about or being brought in on gurneys. Here was an opportunity to observe a slice of life that I don’t often see in Portland. There were so many different kinds of people, not just in terms of race but also economic background. Since medical care in France is available to everyone, the hospital is a place where anyone and everyone is welcome. It treats everyone the same, all you have to do is show your card, and you’re the next in line to be treated. It was also pretty chaotic and disorganized. And yet, somehow, everyone was taken care of and most of the nurses and doctors had a smile and kind word for anyone who came in.

After explaining my symptoms to the nurse, I was told to go into the basement where a doctor was seeing people who were not in need of immediate emergency care, but needed a doctor in any case. Since my French is so poor, the admissions woman actually left the main desk and took us downstairs and alerted the doctor. She didn’t take my name, or have me fill out a form, or even ask to see my passport. She just helped me get what I needed. We were lead to a waiting room where we waited for quite awhile to see the doctor. Again, I noticed the diversity of the people around me and as we began to talk with them, it was obvious that we were all very different. But, what I found most interesting was our similarities. Whether it was the street guy who had gotten punched in the eye, the Lebanese construction worker who had shoulder problems, the African mother who ‘s children were most polite, or the crazy Algerian who complained every few minutes about the wait and commented that “someone could die in here, and no one would notice,” we were all just human and in need of care. With all of our obvious differences, we were far more alike than you would have thought. Here I was in a room full of people I could barely talk to, and yet we were all speaking a common language of suffering and concern. It made me wonder if that isn’t usually the case. We think we are so different from each other until we are put in a similar situation and then our differences don’t seem so great. This occurred to me during Hurricane Katrina. Black or white, rich or poor, the storm didn’t discriminate about which home floated away or which neighborhood it flooded. Everyone affected needed help.

Your challenge this week is to work on appreciating our differences. Strike up a conversation with someone you find to be different. Ask and learn what is happening in their life and look for the underlying similarity with your own. Reflect on what it feels like to see that we are not quite as different as we appear to be and at the heart of it, we are all equally human. In this, we learn to appreciate and accept each other for our differences and similarities alike.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

PS – A day has passed since my visit to the hospital and I am doing much better! The doctor was most kind.

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

January 09, 2006

Good day, team,

The coach’s challenge this week is about listening. These days, almost everyone in business is familiar with the idea of “active listening,” that is, listening for meaning, in which the listener checks with the speaker to see that a statement has been correctly heard and understood. The goal of active listening is to improve mutual understanding. Take a look at how Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, describes active listening:

Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding. It focuses attention on the speaker. Suspending one’s own frame of reference and suspending judgement are important in order to fully attend to the speaker. It is also important to observe the other person’s behavior and body language. Having heard, the listener may then paraphrase the speaker’s words. It is important to note that the listener is not necessarily agreeing with the speaker-simply stating what was said. In emotionally charged communications, the listener may listen for feelings. Thus, rather than merely repeating what the speaker has said, the active listener might describe the underlying emotion (“you’re angry” or “you feel frustrated, because…”).

When interacting, people often are not listening attentively to one another. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next (the latter case is particularly true in conflict situations or disagreements).

Individuals in conflict often contradict one another. This has the effect of denying the validity of the other person’s position. This can make people defensive, and they may either lash out or withdraw. On the other hand, if a person finds that the other party understands, an atmosphere of cooperation can be created. This increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict.

The benefits of active listening include getting people to open up, avoiding misunderstandings, resolving conflict and building trust.

Your challenge this week is to try active listening in your daily interactions with others. See if you can listen to people without thinking about what you’re going to say next while they’re still talking. Notice if you frequently interrupt others or cut their sentences short. These are all behaviors that can make other people feel unworthy.

Interestingly enough, most of us know when someone stops listening to us: Maybe the person looks at his or her watch while we’re speaking. We feel that the other person is discounting what we’re saying or that we’re wasting his or her time.

Try being fully attentive to others when they’re speaking. Don’t be afraid to ask them to repeat themselves if you didn’t fully hear them. It’s worth the effort. I like this advice from Hugh Prather: “In order to listen, I will have to listen without obligation. I will have to give up my intention to hear. If I will let the meaning flow through me like wind blowing through leaves, then I can open up loosely to what is being said, instead of howling it down with my intensity.”

Have a great week!

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
2839 NE Hoyt Street
Portland, Oregon 97232
(503) 296-9249

January 02, 2006

Good day Team,
I thought a good way to start out the New Year’s coach’s challenge would be to give you some useful information from an article a read recently in the Harvard Business Review.

The name of the article is “Radical Change, The Quiet Way”, by Debra Meyerson. Here are some key points from the article.

How do you bring about constructive change within your work environment? If you push your agenda too hard, resentment builds against you. If you remain silent, resentment builds inside you. Myerson suggests that you become a /tempered radical/ – an informal leader who quietly challenges prevailing wisdom and provokes cultural transformation. Tempered radicals embody contrasts. They yearn for rapid change, but trust in patience. They often work alone, yet unite others. Rather than pressing their agendas, they start conversations. And instead of battling powerful foes, they seek powerful friends.

Here are some of the tactics tempered radicals use:

*Disruptive self-expression* – demonstrate your values through your language, dress, office decor, or behavior. People notice and talk – often becoming brave enough to try the change themselves. The more people talk, the greater the impact.

*Verbal jujitsu* – redirect negative statements or actions into positive change.
*
Variable-term opportunism* – Be ready to capitalize on unexpected opportunities for short-term change, as well as orchestrate deliberate, longer term change.
*
Strategic alliance building* – gain clout by working with allies. Enhance your legitimacy and implement change more quickly and directly than you could alone. Don’t make “opponents” enemies – they’re often your best source of support and resources.

Your challenge this week is to try using one of these tactics. I hope they help you start the new year with a different perspective and a new approach.

Have a great week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

December 19, 2005

Good day, team,

This week brings the winter solstice, and I am reminded of the importance of light in our lives. Your challenge this week is to bring more light into your life and someone else’s. This can be accomplished in many ways. Here are some suggestions:

1. Light a candle.

2. Offer someone a small gift to brighten their day.

3. Spend some time watching the fire in your fireplace.

4. Put some holiday lights up in your home.

5. Open the blinds and let the light into your environment.

6. Make a flambe dessert. (Be careful with this one: It takes a steady hand!)

7. Offer to help someone else at work to lighten their load.

8. Delegate something to someone else to lighten your own load!

9. Tell someone how much you appreciate them. It will light up their day.

10. Let the love and light in your heart shine through. It will enlighten everyone you meet.

Have a joyful, light-filled week and a wonderful holiday,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
2839 NE Hoyt Street
Portland, Oregon 97232
(503) 296-9249

The coach will be on vacation next week, but she’ll be back the first week of January.