Learning To Thrive During Times of Change

 

This post comes from an article that my good friend, associate and coach extraordinaire Kate Dwyer shared with me. Here are excerpts from “Job Survival Advice: Don’t Fear the Whitewater,” published Nov. 12, 2008, online at Knowledge@Wharton. It is remarkably relevant still today.

According to Gregory Shea, adjunct professor of management at Wharton, and business writer Robert Gunther, change is the new status quo, and success at work will require agility, talent and the ability to learnfrom—rather than fear—failure. The two recently co-authored the book “Your Job Survival Guide, a Manual for Thriving in Change.” In an interview with Knowledge@Wharton, the authors compared the economy and job market to a whitewater river in which every kayaker is certain to spend a significant part of the journey under water.

In the book, the authors tell a wonderful story about an Eskimo kayaker who instead of dying when he capsizes, actually plans for that eventuality and enjoys it. He’s equipped for surviving because he has practiced what is known in kayaking as the Eskimo roll, in which kayakers right their boats by twisting their bodies and using their
paddles to roll the boat rightside up again. They resist the natural impulse to panic when they’re underwater, without air; they don’t bail from their boats, which would leave them vulnerable to rocks and andother hazards. The Eskimo roll protects them from dangerous situations, and it allows them to play by surfing waves and popping up out of holes.

The authors contrast this orientation to failure by using another analogy, suggesting that “most of us go into our careers thinking that we’re signing up on the crew of an ocean liner,” not anticipating that at any moment we could be “thrown into the water.” They suggest that instead we make a habit of experimenting—practicing our Eskimo rolls—thus preparing ourselves for what might be a modified or even completely new career.

Take a look at your job, your company and your team as being in whitewater. Try to look at failure as a given
rather than the dreaded end, and plan for it, recover from it, and play within it so that when you do roll upright, you’re better off for it. Look around you and see where people are hiding out, holding on to a
false sense of security by trying to do things the way they’ve always done them, and make some suggestions to experiment instead.  In the current world economy, the rules are changing and whatever worked six months ago may not work now.

Don’t be afraid to change your attitude about how you work and where you can improve your approach. Be courageous. If you normally move at super high speed, try slowing down. If your approach is to plod, try
speeding up. When you’re in whitewater, you have to be versatile enough to determine how you paddle, when it’s critical to slow down, where you turn, how you plunge into one wave and skim over the top of another.

To end the article, the authors interviewed a highly successful womanexecutive. She had worked in both a large corporation and a small entrepreneurial company. They asked her, “How would you sum up your
experience?” Here’s what she said, as a successful senior person who went through these and other changes in a permanent whitewater world:
“Work hard, do the right thing, keep your eyes open, and don’t be afraid.”

I think this is the best advice of all!

 

Kathleen

 

Suggestions For Unbundling Your Fearful Thoughts and Finding Peace

 

This post is about bundling fearful thoughts and finding some peace.

Since the U.S. presidential election in 2024, I’ve often reflected upon the state of the world. We’ve been on a wild ride economically, ecologically and politically, and the safety and security that we’ve enjoyed for generations seems to be threatened.

Sometimes I wonder about this perception. It’s possible that much of what we’ve thought was safe and secure was an illusion and that, in our dreamy state, we ignored some key signs along the way that were trying to tell us to pay more attention. In any case, here we are in a new year, facing some great challenges.

Where in all of this do we find peace? How do we maintain our equanimity in the midst of stormy conditions, not just outside of us, but within us as well? Peace of mind and heart are challenged when our external circumstances grow grim, and yet these are the very times when peace and tranquility are what we need to face adversity.

When things get tough for me, I notice that my peace of mind is most challenged by what I call bundling. I let my mind run helter-skelter, and one thought builds on another until there’s a huge bundle of worries that overwhelms me. It goes something like this:

“Gee, what’s going to happen to the healthcare system in this country?  What will I do as I continue to age?  How will I find a doctor that isn’t already totally booked up to help me if I need it?  Given the state of the country, it doesn’t seem that our political leaders are doing very much to help out the average American citizen.  Prices are up and health insurance premiums are on the rise.  The cost of utilities is also going off the charts and there doesn’t seem to be a movement in our current government to support alternative energy that’s cheaper. And, what’s going to happen to my retirement account? The stock market is up but seems shakier than ever. What will happen if it suddenly tanks and then my retirement account is worth nothing?”

And so it goes. In one stream of thoughts, I’ve gone from worrying about my healthcare, not being able to find a doctor if I got sick, to higher cost of living expenses, the government not working for the people, and about my retirement account. As one thought piles on to the next, and then another, and then another, they all fuse into one big bundle that becomes much too difficult to overcome.

We become depressed when we bundle all our fears together.  Then that negative state just adds more grim thoughts to the bundle, and so on. Regaining peace in this scenario is almost impossible, and once we’re depressed, it’s much more difficult to access the positive thoughts that might pull us out of that state.

The solution is to prevent a bundle from accumulating in the first place. When these thoughts try to pile on top of each other, I have to stop and say to myself, “Hold on here, let’s not bundle all these thoughts. They really don’t belong together in the first place, and sitting here allowing them to build on each other will not help your state of mind or your retirement account. Try to look at exactly what is directly in front of you.”

When I observe myself bundling, I often ask myself, “Do I really need to worry about all of these things?  Are they actually happening in my life right now?” I also try looking out of my eyes to see what’s directly in front of me. It helps to break the thought pattern, and one more bundle that wanted to become bigger has just been unbundled! What a relief! In these moments, I can once again access a spaciousness and awareness that gives me much more freedom, clarity and peace in the moment.

It’s a worthwhile exercise is to find peace within yourself, particularly in the midst of difficult circumstances. Perhaps you put a reminder of peace on your desk and each time you see it, you return to that state within yourself that feels content and at rest. Sometimes reminding yourself to breathe will give you immediate access to a more peaceful state. Taking a walk and breaking up the pattern of the day can often bring peace to our hearts.

One of my friends makes a list of all of the things that come up in her mind when she starts bundling. By doing this, she can stop the ranting and raving, as she calls it, because she can actually see on paper how the thoughts are unrelated. Then she puts the list in a drawer and says to herself, “Nope, I’m not going to keep doing this. I have more important things to attend to, and my peace of mind is more important to me.” I have a note card on my desk that asks, “Do these thoughts and feelings serve me in this moment?”

Try experimenting with whatever reminders you can come up with to save yourself from bundling. The beauty of peace is that we can access it at any time within ourselves by choosing it over anything else. Even in the most dire circumstances, our internal state of peace is always possible.

One of my favorite writers, Wendell Berry, describes peace beautifully in the following poem:

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

 

Kathleen

 

How To Become A More Authentic Speaker

 

I vividly recall the time I attended a public speaking class for two days.  In a nutshell, it was painful.  There were 20 people in the class from lots of different companies. We were all strangers to each other, but over the course of the class,  we got to know each other in ways we could not have imagined.

Simply put, standing up in front of other people and speaking makes most people extremely nervous and vulnerable. In our class, we all experienced painful moments of stuttering, silence, lots of ‘umming’ and ‘aheming’, and all sorts of odd looking body movements.  One woman ran from the room each time it was her turn to speak and we would have to coax her back so she could complete her assignment.  My personal experience was that the group was very supportive, forgiving, and compassionate.  When people suffer together, they come together in profound ways and our little group did just that.

I learned that public speaking is an art and not something that comes automatically to anyone. There’s no doubt, some people are better at it than others, but after two days of videotaping, coaching and open feedback from fellow participants, you learn that even the most comfortable public speakers have a lot to learn. You focus on how to stand, what your gestures look like, what tone of voice to use for different messages, when to pause appropriately, how to make eye contact, etc. After hours of grueling practice and honest feedback, you begin to learn the tricks to effective presentation. But, learning how to be an effective public speaker can also become an obstacle to the audience believing in you and your message. If you follow the rules too closely the audience can feel like you’re trying to sell them something and within moments, they will become suspicious of you and your message.

In a Harvard Business Review, I found some good tips in an article entitled,  “How to Become an Authentic Speaker”, by Nick Morgan. Here are some excerpts from his article.

“Authenticity – including the ability to communicate authentically with others – has become on important leadership attribute. When leaders have it, they can inspire their followers to make extraordinary efforts on behalf of their organizations. When they don’t, cynicism prevails and few employees do more than the minimum necessary to get by. We all know by now the power of nonverbal communication – what I call the ‘second conversation’. If your spoken message and your body language are mismatched, audiences will respond to the non-verbal message every time. Gestures speak louder than words. And that means you can’t just stand up and tell the truth.”

Our author goes on to say that you cannot rehearse authenticity and that leaves you in a quandary about how to be more effective without looking practiced. The classic suggestions you’re given in these presentation and public speaking courses i.e., maintaing eye contact, spreading your arms, walking out from behind the podium, etc.,  can often back fire.  They make you appear inauthentic and the audience sees you as being artificial.

Science teaches us that non-verbal communication starts before words actually get spoken and it takes place the instant after an emotion or an impulse fires deep within the brain. This happens long before it’s actually articulated in speech, and we often find ourselves having made certain conclusions before the thought actually gets translated by our brains. I recall walking into a manager’s office recently and immediately ‘knowing’ that he was not having a good day.  The expression on his face registered exasperation, he was sitting on the edge of his seat,  pounding on his computer keys.  I knew he was having a hard time.  The thought occurred to me, “this is probably not a good time to bring up the coaching budget for this next year”. We started our meeting from a completely different approach than I had intended. I asked what kind of day he was having and he talked for the next 15 minutes.  This gave the manager time to unwind and to get some of the stuff that was bothering him off his chest.  It gave us a chance to connect emotionally and for me to listen to what was really important to him in that moment. By the time the subject of coaching came up, he was in a completely different frame of mind and much more open to discussing the program for the coming year.

Here are some suggestions the author makes in his article to assist us in communicating authentically:

“Tap into four fundamental aims, or ‘intents’ of a good presentation:  be open with your listeners to connect with them, be passionate about your topic, and listen to messages from your audience, either spoken or unspoken. In practicing your speech, work to get into the mind-set of each of these aims and you’ll achieve the perceived and actual authenticity that creates a powerful bond with audiences.”

“How can you become more open? Try to imagine giving your presentation to someone with whom you’re completely relaxed – your spouse, a close friend, your child. Notice what that mental picture looks like but particularly what it /feels/ like. This is the state you need to be in if you are to have an authentic rapport with your audience.”

And, don’t forget the importance of being present to your audience. I have often found it helpful to try to feel my feet throughout my presentation.  It grounds my energy before I being speaking and although hard to do, whenever I can feel my feet, it brings me back into the moment and gives me a new opportunity to check in to my audience, hear myself speaking (so I know what I’m saying), and breathe.

Try experimenting with being more authentic when you speak.  It doesn’t have to be in front of a large group of people, it can occur around a conference room table with just a few people in a meeting, or even over the phone experimenting with your tone of voice.  Try setting the intentions mentioned above before you speak.  Maybe you can try being more authentic in a one-on-one conversation with someone by listening to their unspoken as well as spoken communication.  Experiment with your attention when you’re speaking and when you’re listening.

I have often thought of this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, before going into a conversation,

“When the eyes say one thing and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.”

 

Kathleen

The Benefits of Being Present

This post is about the wonderful benefits of being present.

Out walking the other morning, preoccupied by thoughts about one of my clients, I suddenly marveled at the beauty I saw all around me.  The trees were colorfully arrayed with muted orange, fiery red and bright yellow leaves. The backdrop of greens and browns only added to their bright hues, and I found myself in awe of nature’s great showcase this time of year.

Until the beauty I beheld woke me up, I had been in imagination most of the morning. I hadn’t heard from this client in awhile, and I was worried about how the person was doing. My mind jumped from one worrisome thought to the next. In the moment when I came back to the present, I thought, “Try to be here, instead of in imagination about something else. It’s so beautiful here; try to remain aware of it.”

The next few minutes were a wonder. As my consciousness became more and more attuned to what was around me, I began to feel the crisp, cold air on my skin.  I could see faint traces of my breath in the air. I heard my feet as they walked over crunchy leaves on the sidewalk. Each tree was in the midst of transformation, many of them still green in some parts with others turning various autumnal colors. The sky was azure blue in places and still shrouded in fog elsewhere. The morning sun made big, broad diagonal strokes of light across the landscape as it majestically rose in the eastern sky. What a feast I was experiencing!

Just when I didn’t think the moment could get any better, I suddenly noticed hundreds of spider webs everywhere. They were strung between the leaves on the trees, hanging from the eaves on houses and across porch screens, woven in the small spaces between rocks. They glistened with tiny drops of morning dew like bright crystals. As I stopped to inspect one of them, the sun reflected on the dew drops and the intricate pattern of the web took my breath away. Then the questions arose, “Are these spider webs always here?  Why haven’t I noticed them before?”

In an attempt to return to the present, I decided not to analyze the subject of whether the cobwebs are always there or not, since I knew it would take me right back out of the moment again. How funny, that imagining being in the moment or analyzing why you’re either in it or not is just like any other kind of imagination: It takes you out of the moment and plunges you right back into imagination.

There is always a benefit to being as present as you can so you can experience what’s going on around you. Try not to let your imagination take you away. This is harder to do than it sounds, so experiment with it. Challenge yourself to spend just five minutes being as present as you can. Part of the experience is seeing what tries to take you out of the moment as well as experiencing what’s in the moment.

Maybe you decide to take a short walk and try to see and hear as much as you can while walking. Perhaps you are working on a project, and you commit your attention to just what’s in front of you. If you strike up a conversation with someone, try to be present to that person’s tone of voice and facial expressions and to the words you’re exchanging. The emotions you feel as you speak with them and the thoughts that come into your mind as you respond to what they’re saying are all things you can observe to be fully in the moment while it’s happening. Whatever you decide to do for your experiment, enjoy the experience of simply being where you are, doing what you’re doing.

I believe that our consciousness is capable of far more expansion than we realize, and that it’s possible to be present to multiple things at once. By experimenting with our attention, we may find that there’s much more to life than we normally experience. It’s possible that it’s been here all along, but if we’re not present to it, it doesn’t exist for us, and we miss it. Just as I suddenly saw the exquisite spider webs, it’s possible in any moment to clear away the cobwebs of accidental thoughts from our minds and allow our attention to experience little gems that normally go unnoticed.

As the Chinese Zen Master Wu-Men Hui-k’ai (1183-1260) reminds us:

Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter.
If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life.

 

Kathleen

The Importance of Connectedness

Connectedness is no longer an abstract concept—it is a defining reality of modern life. Economically, socially, and professionally, our actions increasingly ripple far beyond our immediate circles.

Global events regularly demonstrate how interdependent we are. Decisions made in one country can influence markets, communities, and livelihoods across the world. Similarly, within organizations, teams are more interconnected than ever. Work rarely happens in isolation; progress depends on collaboration across departments, disciplines, and perspectives.

This interconnectedness can feel uncomfortable at times. It challenges long-held assumptions about independence and control, and it requires us to engage with people who think, work, or live differently than we do. Yet it is precisely this connectedness that strengthens systems, fosters resilience, and creates opportunity.

The challenge is to become more intentional about how you show up within your networks. Consider where you are newly connected—perhaps through a reorganization, a new partnership, or a shift in responsibilities. Look for shared goals and complementary strengths rather than differences. Practice curiosity and listen to understand, even when perspectives don’t align with your own.

Also reflect on the everyday impact of your actions. A single message, decision, or interaction can influence far more people than you may realize. Small, thoughtful choices can strengthen trust and deepen relationships.

We are connected not only by systems and structures, but by our shared humanity. Take time this week to acknowledge those connections—both visible and unseen—and find simple ways to strengthen them. Sometimes, connection begins with something as basic as recognizing and respecting another person’s experience.

Kathleen

The Consequences of Cronyism

I’ve long wanted to write about a problem that I have most recently seen far too much of: cronyism.  First, a definition from Wikipedia:

“Cronyism is partiality to long-standing friends, especially by appointing them to positions of authority, regardless of their qualifications. Hence, cronyism is contrary in practice and principle to meritocracy. Cronyism exists when the appointer and the beneficiary are in social contact; often, the appointer is inadequate to hold his or her own job or position of authority, and for this reason appoints individuals who will not try to weaken him or her, or express contrary views. Politically, cronyism is derogatory. The word crony first appeared in 18th century London, believed by many to be derived from the Greek word chronios, meaning long-term; however, crony appears in the 1811 edition of Grose’s Vulgar Tongue with a decidedly non-collegiate definition, placing it firmly in the cant of the underworld. A less likely source is the Irish language term ‘comh-roghna,’ which translates to close pals, or mutual friends.”

Abraham Lincoln is a good example of a president who didn’t rely on his cronies. When he chose his cabinet members, he intentionally picked men who were affiliated with the other political party, men who had criticized him vehemently and worked hard to prevent him from becoming president. But Lincoln understood the dangers of cronyism and the benefits of having many different viewpoints at the table to help him make the most informed decisions.

In contrast, the Bush administration demonstrated a clear case of cronyism when Donald Rumsfeld was the Secretary of Defense and he and Dick Cheney, old friends for many years, were in complete agreement about how the U.S. should involve itself in Iraq. When Colin Powell began to disagree with them, he was soon ejected from his position as Secretary of State (we were told that he resigned). As we now know, President Bush did not benefit from hearing only the Rumsfeld-Cheney viewpoint. If cronyism in the White House hadn’t been so widespread, Secretary Powell’s views might have been considered more seriously.

Cronyism is like putting on blinders. It inhibits you from seeing any other way to deal with a situation and allows you to stay attached to your own ideas of how things should get done.  The consequences of cronyism can be disastrous.  We clearly see this in autocratic regimes that rely on everyone supporting their dear leaders ideas and conclusions.  Without a healthy dialogue where different perspectives are shared, an entire governing body can make life threatening decisions without any checks and balances.

Try taking an in-depth look at whether cronyism has crept into your work situation. Are you working closely with others whom you trust because of years of friendship, even though they may not be qualified to do the job? Are people being promoted in your organization because of their skills or is it because of their similarity in thought and ideas to the person who promoted them? Are you surrounding yourself with people who parrot your ideas and are too afraid to tell you what they really think?

If you’re in a position of power, try talking about cronyism with your teammates.  Let people know that you are not in favor of promotions that are made due to friendship. Encourage your co-workers to tell you what they really think, not just what they think you want to hear. Spend some time each week listening to the views of people in your organization whom you disagree with. Find out why they hold this view and keep your mind open enough to consider that they might have a better idea or a more accurate viewpoint.

As a staff member, if you see cronyism at work, try finding a diplomatic way of pointing it out. Maybe you do this by asking the cronies if they’ve considered other ways to approach a situation. Try offering your viewpoint to the team as a way of broadening the perspective, rather than keeping it narrow.

Whatever you do, try to summon the courage to stand up for what you think is a healthier way for people to work together as a team. Cronyism limits all of us and our ability to surround ourselves with fresh, new thoughts and the qualified people who can mean the difference between success and failure.

 

Kathleen

 

Are You Still On Target With Your Mission?

This post is about having a mission and trying to work towards accomplishing it.

I clearly remember a quote from a fellow named Shai Agassi who was on a mission to create all electric cars.  Someone asked him if he was worried about competitors. Agassi looked at him like he was an idiot. He replied, “The mission is to end oil, not create a company.”

This statement made me wonder how many companies were created for a particular mission and then, because of competition, the founders lost sight of their mission and let the companies become something else. Look at the banking industry. Banks were created to lend money to people so they could build homes, create businesses and work toward a better life. Remember when the local bank loaned money to farmers so they could grow more crops and feed more people?

Look at the banking industry today. It still lends money to people, but the industry has become so competitive that it’s much more about sales than service. This change in emphasis has often created disastrous results. It wasn’t that long ago that we saw many financial institutions that were worth billions of dollars completely collapse due to greed and mismanagement.

When I started coaching 10 years ago, I was completely jazzed about the potential changes I could help facilitate in companies. Many of my clients were going to work disheartened and disengaged. It had become too hard for them to get anything done in environments rife with politics, where people put up obstacles in front of each other so they could win their next position. I was committed to helping companies create healthier work environments that would encourage people to focus on the core business and work together more successfully as productive teams.

Years later, when someone asked me, “What’s your competition doing and how do you plan to flip this company of yours if you can’t leverage yourself?” I was shocked. I hadn’t started coaching people so I could create a company to flip, and I had never thought about competition. I started coaching because I believe in the service it offers to make the world a better place. I figured that for all the people and companies who needed a coach, there was plenty of work to go around.

People could argue that my mission won’t create a good retirement fund for me. But they would need to understand my interpretation of what a good retirement fund consists of: By acting in service to others, I feel incredibly abundant and know that I have more than enough of what I need.

Explore how far away you’ve come from your personal mission just for the sake of competing. If you own a business, examine whether your emphasis still matches that of your original mission. That mission doesn’t necessarily need to be noble.  Maybe you’re on a mission to make a lot of money to have a better quality of life.  Or perhaps your mission at work is directly tied to your family’s security and happiness. Are you still as passionate about what got you started in the first place? If you work for a larger company, what are you doing each day that furthers the original mission of the company and are you still excited about it? Are your external efforts aligned with your internal desires? What’s meaningful to you in your job?

Maybe you don’t think you are in a position to ask yourself these questions. My clients often say to me, “I don’t have the luxury of doing what I love, I have to support a family and send my kids to college.” But I do think that each of us has an opportunity to work with others to add more value to the world (and I don’t mean just monetarily). Competition has its place. However, if it’s become your main goal and has taken you away from doing what you originally set out to do, try putting your focus back where it belongs.

 

Kathleen

 

Resetting Your Goals For These Opportune Times

This post is about the doing a re-set in regards to your goals.

The months of January and September are placeholder months for me. These are the months when I stop to review how the previous year has gone or what I need to get done in the final quarter of the year.  These are opportune times for me to reassess my goals and create new ones that are more relevant.

I developed this habit when I went into business for myself years ago. It’s wise to stop periodically to see how you’re doing in relation to the goals you set, the intentions you had, and the business you have developed.  It also helps to review what you’ve achieved and where you continue to get stuck.

January is full of new beginnings with all the possibilities that come with new resolutions and commitments for improvement.  Although it’s still winter, the solstice is now behind us and more light continues to brighten our days.  September is the glorious season of Indian summer. As the days grow shorter and the light gets longer, we move into autumn with one last, great burst of heat and light.  It’s a time to reap what you’ve sown, to harvest what’s grown since springtime.

Use these months to assess the fruits of your labors by asking yourself three good questions that are most relevant to you. Here are mine:

1)  What progress have I made toward the goals I set for myself last  January and what’s left to do?

2)  Where do I get stuck?  What prevents me from moving forward?

3) What makes the most sense: Do I continue to try to achieve the goals I set for myself? Do I need to realign my priorities so that I’m working on what’s actually happening now and not just an idea of what I thought was supposed to be happening this year?

Sounds like more than three questions to me, but that’s what I love about questions: As I formulate them, I often find some answers within them!

If you’re really having a tough time meeting your goals, try setting a very small one and accomplish that. Every time we achieve a small goal, it makes it much easier to achieve a larger one.  Small gains create the kind of attitude and energy we need to accomplish larger tasks.

Whatever you do use the energy of season to feel good about what you can accomplish. These months will be over before you know it and different opportunities will arrive with the coming of the next season.

 

Kathleen

 

8 Attributes of Supportive Communication

 

The post is about the 8 attributes of supportive communication. Please see below. They speak for themselves.

8 Attributes of Supportive Communication

� Problem oriented, not person oriented – focus on how problems and issues can be changed rather than on people and their characteristics (”How can we solve this problem”, Not “Because of you this problem exists)

� Congruent, not incongruent – focus on honest messages in which verbal statements match thoughts and feelings (”Your behavior really upset me”, Not, “Do I seem upset? No, everything is fine.”)

� Descriptive, not evaluative – focus on describing an objective occurrence, describing your reaction to it, and offering a suggested alternative (”Here is what happened, this was my reaction; here is a suggestion that is acceptable”. Not, “you are wrong for doing what you did.”)

� Validating, not invalidating – focus on statements that communicate respect, flexibility, collaboration, and areas of agreement (”I have some ideas, but do you have any suggestions?” Not, “You wouldn’t understand, so we’ll do it my way.”)

� Specific, not global – focus on specific events or behavior, avoiding general, extreme, or either-or statements (”You interrupted me three times during the meeting.” Not, “You’re always trying to get attention.”)

� Conjunctive, not disjunctive – focus on statements that flow from what has been previously said and facilitating interaction (”Relating to what you just said, I’d like to raise another point.” Not, “I want to say something (unrelated to and/or regardless of what you just said.”))

� Owned, not disowned – focus on taking responsibility for your own actions by using personal “I” words (”I have decided to turn down your request because…” Not, “You have a good idea but it wouldn’t get approved” or, “I liked your proposal, but Kim said we should use another.”)

� Supportive listening, not one-way listening – focus on using a variety of appropriate responses; with a bias toward reflective responses, (”What do you think are the obstacles standing in the way of improvement?” Not, “As I said before, you are making too many mistakes. You’re just not performing.”)

Try using some of these suggestions in your communications. You may find your listeners to be much more open and willing to continue the conversation!

 

Kathleen

 

Observing Your Stress Levels and Some Tips For Better Balance

Recently, I’ve been working with a team at one of my clients who are going through a particularly stressful time. Most of their stress is a result of uncertainty about the company’s direction and confusion about who’s in charge. This is a deadly combination for people trying to understand what they’re responsible for and where they fit in, not to mention for getting results.

The state of mind that often prevails in stressful environments is disengagement. Frankly, it’s just too difficult to work in a place where you don’t know what you’re working toward, so you just show up every day, and you don’t commit to anything: It’s not safe to do so. Entire work forces can become unproductive in these circumstances, so I think it’s important to understand more about what’s actually happening to us when we become too stressed.

Here is an excerpt about the chemistry of stress from “Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership” by Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatizis in the Harvard Business Review.

“When people are under stress, surges in stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol strongly affect their reasoning and cognition. At low levels, cortisol facilitates thinking and other mental functions, so well-timed pressure to perform and targeted critiques of subordinates certainly have their place. When a leader’s demands become too great for a subordinate to handle, however, soaring cortisol levels and an added hard kick of adrenaline can paralyze the mind’s critical abilities. Attention fixates on the threat from the boss rather than the work at hand; memory, planning and creativity go out the window. People fall back on old habits, no matter how unsuitable those are for addressing new challenges.

“Poorly delivered criticism and displays of anger by leaders are common triggers of hormonal surges. In fact, when laboratory scientists want to study the highest levels of stress hormones, they simulate a job interview in which an applicant receives intense face-to-face criticism—an analogue of a boss tearing apart a subordinate’s performance.

“Researchers likewise find that when someone who is very important to a person expresses contempt or disgust toward him, his stress circuitry triggers an explosion of stress hormones and a spike in heart rate by 30 to 40 beats person minutes. Then, because of the interpersonal dynamic of mirror neurons and oscillators, the tension spreads to other people. Before you know it, the destructive emotions have infected an entire group and inhibited its performance. Leaders are themselves not immune to the contagion of stress. All the more reason they should take time to understand the biology of emotions.”

None of us work effectively when we are under stress. It’s worth it to check your stress levels and try to regain balance for your heart, mind and body. Perhaps you’ve noticed a tendency to disengage when you’re at work. If that’s the case, try finding one particular thing you really love doing and focus on that for awhile. Passion naturally re-engages us, and lends us a new source of energy. Maybe you find yourself becoming negative toward your co-workers. Try getting some exercise at lunchtime to counter these feelings: Burn off that extra negative energy you’re experiencing. If you find that your behavior is having a negative impact on others, try asking for help. Allow someone you’re close to on the team know that you’re having a hard time and could use help seeing things in a more positive light. Experiment with meditation techniques. Recent studies have proven that daily meditation reduces high blood pressure, high levels of cortisol, migraine headaches, and a number of other high stress symptoms.

Whatever your experience of stress, remember that it’s not just your brain that does the work: A healthy body and an open heart are necessary to face each day as it comes, with all of its successes and failures. If you’re running at a deficit, figure out what you need to do to turn that loss into a gain. And chill out from time to time throughout the day. It might just help you think more clearly and creatively while it supports your body’s ability to be stress free.

 

Kathleen