This post comes from a graduation card that I saw in a store today. It’s such good advice, I thought I’d share it.
Wisdom for a Good Life:
As you
go out
to remake
the world,
I offer
the following
bits of wisdom—
keep learning,
stay awake
to amazement,
be kind
rather
than right.
And remember,
while you
might not
agree
with this now,
being loved
is
better
than being
rich.
—Lisa Rice Wheeler
Kathleen
This post is about learning and appreciating the variety of ways people learn and understand things.
Here’s an excerpt from a great read that touches on this subject. It’s by Pete Warden @typepad.com from his article “Harness the Power of Being an Idiot”:
“I learn by trying to build something; there’s no other way I can discover the devils-in-the-details. Unfortunately that’s an incredibly inefficient way to gain knowledge. I basically wander around stepping on every rake in the grass, while the A students memorize someone else’s route and carefully pick their way across the lawn without incident. My only saving graces are that every now and again I discover a better path, and, faced with a completely new lawn, I have an instinct for where the rakes are.”
I find that I learn in much the same way. I recall my high school algebra teacher, Mr. Johnson, trying to explain the concept of A + B = C to me without success. He finally sat me down at a desk with 3 different sized boxes and encouraged me to move them around and assign different values to them. Only then did I begin to understand the concept.
If Mr. Johnson hadn’t taken the time to try to discover how I learn, I might have failed my course. And, more importantly, I might never have discovered how I learn. It’s a real eye-opener to realize that not everyone learns in the same way. I have had clients, for example, who have suffered from dyslexia or some other learning disability, and because the way they learn is not readily accepted, they struggle for many years in school. Making the discovery of how they learn and adjusting the way they take in information is very liberating for them.
Think about how you and others learn. Do you take in information and easily find ways to apply it without a lot of show and tell? Maybe you learn by participation like I do: I have to ben actively involved with the thing I’m learning or participating with others in an active exchange of ideas to increase my understanding. Some people memorize information easily and can immediately come up with the right answers from their vast storehouse of facts and figures. They learn by lots of input and can often recall all that information at a moment’s notice. And then there are people who learn things through their senses and experience the world through sight, sound and touch. I took a master cooking class once, and discovered what it was like to make something without measuring or reading a recipe. Most master chefs cook by taste and feel.
If you’re trying to explain something to other people, don’t be afraid to ask them if they understand you. And don’t be surprised if they take in the same information in a completely different way. There are as many ways to learn as there are ideas, and no one way is better than another. Assuming that we all learn in a similar fashion is one of the unfortunate characteristics of most educational systems, and when you find a teacher or manager who takes the time to help you discover how you like to learn, a whole new world opens up to you.
The best part about exploring how we learn is that we often learn something new!
Kathleen
This post is about resisting the power of negativity.
The past year has been challenging. There seems to be so much more negativity in the press, on podcasts, in everyday conversations, etc. due to the polarizing political environment we are experiencing here in the US. Due to this, I have noticed how difficult it is to stay positive in the midst of negativity. Wherever we look, there seems to be plenty to complain about.
Becoming part of the negativity—blaming, arguing and acting out in ways that do not serve ourselves or others—is not the answer. But there are times lately when I feel as though Darth Vader is invading my space: I can hear his heavy breathing next to me; I’m being lured to come over to the dark side.
These are challenging moments. There are times when I want badly to agree with a client who says, “My job sucks, no one appreciates me, and my boss is a loser.” And yet I know that the boss isn’t really a loser. Maybe he or she just did something badly or took a course of action my client didn’t agree with. Whatever the case, the negative attitude that my client holds is certainly not helping, but in the moment of frustration, something in me understands and wants to go along with it.
And therein lies much of the challenge that comes with being a coach. It’s not my job to agree or disagree with my clients, but to help them look at situations from another point of view, so they can see that their boss didn’t wake up that morning deciding to make a mistake, much less intending for things to go awry.
Perhaps because the media focuses so much on what’s wrong in the world, it’s harder to believe that almost all humans want good things for themselves and others. If we sat around the campfire every evening and shared stories about how people had done incredibly beautiful and brilliant things for each other rather than listening to our favorite podcast, watching the nightly news, or reading the latest news post, we might find it easier to assume positive intent.
At the heart of this discussion is the matter of trust: trust in others, trust in the universe, trust in your fate. And maybe the reason we’re seeing this pervasive negativity is because, for many people on the planet, it’s a hard time to trust. Somehow, the rules changed in the past decade, and we’re not at all sure what’s at the end of the rainbow anymore. If it is a pot of gold, we’re not even sure what that gold will be worth when we find it.
Many of the things we thought we were moving toward don’t seem to be possible anymore, or if they are possible, they don’t look so attractive. It used to be that owning a home, having a good job and raising a family were considered the keys to happiness. Now, experiencing home foreclosures, the instability of any corporation and the jobs it creates or reduces, and the enormous cost of raising children and their education, many people are not so sure whether these are still the fixtures of the good life.
Realizing that negativity, doubt, and lack of trust are extremely powerful it’s important to resolve not to feed them. When you find yourself suspecting another person’s intentions, try seeing that person from a different point of view. If you have your suspicions, try not to share them with others. Negativity is contagious, and one doubtful thought can infect an entire team, even an entire organization.
Think of all the times you’ve had the best of intentions, yet could not control the outcome, and in the end things went wrong. Remember what it was like when a friend who saw you go through this failure forgave you and had faith in you the next time you tried to get it right. Find that place within you that knows how little control we actually have over external circumstances. Give others the benefit of the doubt and be willing to respect them. That’s what the word really means: To re (do again) spect (from the same root as “spectacle,” to see) implies the willingness to see someone again, and hopefully in a new light.
Frankly, I would rather be holding my light saber up to Darth Vader than acting as though he doesn’t exist. I also know that I hold all colors of the rainbow within me, whether they be in light or shadow. Appreciating them in myself and others: Aye, that’s the challenge!
Kathleen
This post comes from my good friend and former client Jan Foster. It’s a poem for all the capable people out there who every once in awhile dream about being irresponsible, unpredictable and a little bit bad.
A Prayer for the Capable
And as you stand there
On time and
Appropriately clad for the event
With a high-fiber bar in your bag
And extra pens
Let us take this moment to applaud you.
You, the prepared.
You, the accomplished.
You, the bills-paid-on-time and the-taxes-done-in-March.
You, who always returns the shopping cart.
You, who never throws a tantrum.
While the moody, the irresponsible, the near-hysterical and the rude seem to get
All the attention
Let us now praise you.
Just because everyone always expects you
To do well
Does not make it any less remarkable
That you always do so well.
So thank you.
For picking up the slack
For not imposing
For being so kind
And mannerly
And attending to all those pesky details.
Thank you for your consideration
Your generosity
For always remembering and never forgetting:
That a job well done is its own reward
That the opportunity to help someone else is a gift
That the complainers, the cry-babies, the drama queens, the never-use-a-turn-signals, the forgetful, the self-involved, the choleric, the phlegmatic and the your-rules-don’t-apply-to-me-types
Need you to rebel against in order to look like rebels.
So take a minute
To pat yourself on the back
And say, “Job well done.”
And as you consider someday
Showing up stoned
Or unprepared
Or not at all
And as you imagine someday being imperious
Or demanding
Or the one with the temper
Hear the unspoken “thank you” from a
Grateful nation that is a
Better, smarter, calmer, easier, friendlier and more organized place
Thanks to you
And your dogged diligence.
You are beautiful.
You are precious to us.
You are the hand that stills the water, the wheel that never squeaks, the one we all rely on
And while you probably would have remembered to send a thank-you note,
We forgot.
And just because everyone always expects you
To do well
Does not make it any less remarkable
That you always do so well.
And I would tell you to take the afternoon for yourself
Or sleep in tomorrow
But I’m pretty sure you already have plans.
So just take this very moment right now
To appreciate you
And all that you have done and done well
Even by your own high standards.
And remember:
You are beautiful.
And just because everyone always expects you to
Do well
Does not make it any less amazing, delightful or delicious that
You always do so well.
© Samantha Bennett 2009
I sent this poem to a number of my clients over the years and in appreciation and have kept copies nearby. When they feel unappreciated, not noticed, and overly responsible, this poem reminds them that they are beautiful and loved.
You might do the same with some of the people you work with who in their own, quiet and responsible way, always get it done.
Kathleen
This post is about balancing work life and personal life.
I’ve often gone on vacation only to find myself more stressed than refreshed when I return. Vacation has more to do with a state of mind and how we spend our time than with how much time we take off. How often do we try to use the very skills that make us effective at work—organizing, controlling, directing—to make our vacation a success, only to find that exactly these skills are incompatible with a state of rest and relaxation? Putting ourselves in a relaxed mode is a real trick when we’re generally moving quickly and efficiently through our days.
The key to balancing work and personal time seems to be paying attention to where we are and what we’re doing when we’re doing it. If we’re still thinking about work while we’re talking to our family members, we really are not very effective at communicating with them. If we’re lying in a hammock on the weekend worrying about something at work, are we really able to relax? Conversely, if we’re in a meeting dreaming about our upcoming vacation, we’re obviously not being effective at work.
Try spending at least 30 minutes each day (outside of work!) just relaxing and allowing yourself to “vacate.” Try not to put any demands on yourself. If you can’t leave work, take 5 minutes out of your day to sit in a chair quietly and do nothing. Perhaps you have a cup of tea while you’re doing nothing or just sit staring out the window. It’s remarkable that we don’t take these mini-vacations more often given the benefits that come from them.
I used to have a boss who had a nap room built just off of his office. He had many clients overseas that he had to speak with my phone or video very early in the morning. The consequence of this early schedule was that by 2:00 in the afternoon, he was often tired. Every day at 2, he would retire to his nap room and take a short nap for 30 minutes. This enabled him to get through the rest of his day refreshed.
In the words of Josephine Rathbone, “If we could learn how to balance rest against effort, calmness against strain, quiet against turmoil, we would assure ourselves of joy in living and psychological health for life.”
Kathleen
This post is about good ways to conserve your energy at work and ways to renew yourself.
In an issue of the “Harvard Business Review,” Tony Schwartz, the CEO of the Energy Project, published an article titled “The Productivity Paradox: How Sony Pictures Gets More Out of People by Demanding Less.” Ten years ago, the Energy Project started to address the subject of work performance and the problem of employee disengagement after a poll of 90,000 employees worldwide revealed that only 21 percent feel fully engaged at work, whereas 40 percent are disenchanted and disengaged.
When the Energy Project discovered that burnout was one of the leading causes of disengagement, members of the staff decided to focus exclusively on helping people manage their energy instead of just their time.
According to Schwartz, “Time, after all, is finite. By contrast, you can expand your personal energy and also regularly renew it. Once people understand how their supply of available energy is influenced by the choices they make, they can learn new strategies that increase the fuel in their tanks and boost their productivity. If people define precise times at which to do highly specific activities, these new behaviors eventually become automatic and no longer require conscious will and discipline. We refer to them as rituals. They’re simple but powerful. They include practices such as shutting down your e-mail for a couple of hours during the day, so you can tackle important or complex tasks without distracting interruptions, or taking a daily 3 p.m. walk to get an emotional and mental breather.”
The article goes on to describe how the Energy Project designed an energy-management program for Sony Pictures, starting at the top of the organization. To date, more than 3,000 of the company’s 6,300 employees have been through the program and already the reaction to it has been overwhelmingly positive. More than 90 percent say it has helped them bring more energy to work every day. Eighty-four percent say they feel better able to manage their job’s demands and are more engaged at work. Despite the recession, Sony had its most profitable year to date in 2009.
Whether you set aside an uninterrupted 60 to 90 minutes each morning to focus on your top priorities or you intentionally breathe to calm down when something irritates you, there are many ways to renew yourself so you have enough energy to meet your needs. Here are some do’s and don’ts from the article to help you re-energize and renew:
DO’s
θ Take back your lunch—get away from your desk and leave the office so you can refuel.
θ Communicate what you value in others; write a note of appreciation to someone.
θ Cultivate creativity by setting aside an informal, relaxing space at work for creative thinking and brainstorming.
θ Share your passion by communicating what you stand for and what gets you up in the morning.
DON’TS
θ Avoid conflict by ignoring a situation. Don’t be afraid to have courageous conversations: communicate directly and honestly, with sensitivity.
θ Try to do multiple things at the same time. Make an effort to give people your full focus; try to listen and not interrupt (don’t be fooled into thinking you can multi-task: recent studies have shown that when we multi-task, our ability to do anything with proficiency goes down).
θ Be self-absorbed. It’s easy to make any situation all about you. Try stepping beyond your own immediate needs to better serve the needs of others; put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
On his website, Schwartz writes, “Leaders can easily underestimate how their attitudes and behaviors affect the energy levels of their teams. Because energy is contagious, both the quality and quantity of a leader’s energy can drain or galvanize a team.”
It’s worth it to take some time to renew yourself during the day. Maybe you take a short walk or invite one of your team members out for lunch. Perhaps you put the “do not disturb” sign on your calendar, or in your cubicle or office and take the time to focus on a high-priority project. How about just letting people know what energy zone you’re in? My low point of the day is about 3 p.m., so I try not to have meetings from 3 to 4 since I know it’s hard for me to focus during that time. I have a friend who goes out to her car at 3 p.m. every day and takes a five-minute power nap. She always feels refreshed when she returns to her desk.
Life is movement and rest. Your energy is what gets you going and keeps you going, and it’s also what compels you to stop when you need more of it.
Kathleen
In celebration of the 4th of July weekend, I am sending a poem about
Abraham Lincoln that I particularly like, written by Vachel Lindsay.
Lincoln
Would I might rouse the Lincoln in you all,
That which is gendered in the wilderness
From lonely prairies and God’s tenderness.
Imperial soul, star of a weedy stream,
Born where the ghosts of buffaloes still dream,
Whose spirit hoof-beats storm above his grave,
Above that breast of earth and prairie-fire—
Fire that freed the slave.
Kathleen
I think it’s safe to say that none of like to be wrong. I think this trait is pretty universal. Something in our
nature finds being wrong painful and hard to get over.
As often happens, just as I was thinking about this topic, I happened upon a newspaper article about a former Portland journalist, Kathryn Schultz, who’s written a book titled “Being Wrong.” Here are some highlights
from the book from an interview she did for the Willamette Weekly:
“In her first book, ‘Being Wrong,’ the author reveals there are many, many ways to be wrong, from when our senses trick us into seeing an optical illusion to our own memories of events. However, it turns out
that being wrong isn’t as big of a problem as the difficulty we have with letting go of ‘rightness’ because it forces us to rethink how we view ourselves and the world.”
In the interview, Schultz says, “I actually started thinking about being right and how we’re all attached to that experience. I wondered, ‘Why do I want to be right? Why do I spend so much time proving my own rightness?’
“I have this theory that we remove anything that is positive or interesting from the category of ‘wrongness.’ We have such negative associations with the idea of error that if something is good or makes us happy, and we learn from it, then it’s suddenly not a part of wrongness; happy surprises, sensory illusions, moments of illumination–
those happen because of wrongness, but we don’t think of it that way, because we have such negative associations with the idea.
“I think the two hardest things to be wrong about are ourselves and other people. I was in this relationship when I was 24 that I thought would last forever. I was completely and totally wrong about that and it was so painful, and part of the pain is wrongness–the shock in thinking your life is going a certain way and then having that collapse.
After that, I traveled the world; I moved to New York; I became a writer. Everything I love about my life came out of the catastrophic collapse of those beliefs.
“The best part of being wrong is the possibility to come up with a new idea. The experience of being wrong forces us to explore further, and to me that experience of surprise and confusion, which can be disorienting, it makes you see the world in a new way, and suddenly everything is new.”
I thought back to some of the difficult experiences I’ve had over the past few months in my work and private life. In each case, I thought I’d done something wrong or someone was telling me I was wrong. This wrongness never fit with my imaginary picture of who I think I am–in my work or as a friend or loved one. In each case, I was
disillusioned about my own sense of rightness and defended it in a variety of ways to prove that I was not wrong. Never mind any lessons I learned from being wrong, or new ideas I came up with once I realized something wasn’t working: My insistence on being right was predominant.
Observe what happens in your interactions with others when you’re trying to be right. Do you often correct others when you think their facts are not right? Do you feel compelled to control a situation to make it right? How about trying to make other people right?
Conversely, see how it feels to be wrong. What happens in your body when someone points out that you’re wrong? Does your chest get tight? Do you feel short of breath? Do you immediately become angry
or depressed? Do you become defensive?
Once you’ve observed the situation, experiment with not fixing what’s wrong.Try not correcting others for a day or two to see how it feels. Maybe you live with something that’s wrong for a few days, just to see what can be learned from the experiment. If you’re editing a document, you could intentionally not correct a misspelled word, just to see how that makes you feel. Perhaps you could allow family and friends to be wrong about something without offering a suggestion about how to make it right. Or maybe you admit that you’re wrong and leave it at that.
On a larger scale, take a look at the belief you may hold about yourself as being right most of the time. Why is that so important? Are you preventing yourself from learning new things or having new experiences
because you’re tightly holding on to your image of yourself as beingright? How about having the courage to admit when you’re wrong and then not beating yourself up internally because you were?
One of my clients said to me recently, “I’m not afraid to tell you when I’m wrong. This is liberating for me. It gives me a brand new way to look at things and opens up more possibilities for me.” I applaud his attitude.
Kathleen
Recently, I was thinking about the benefits of having a hobby. Frankly, the idea has never appealed to me before. Maybe it’s just the word hobby. My only association with it is hobby horse, which also did not sound very
desirable. Maybe it’s because no one in my immediate family had a hobby. Or maybe it’s because activities like quilting or airplane model-making didn’t get me very excited.
This morning, I consulted a dictionary to try to change my attitude. A hobby is “an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation.” Then I realized why I need a hobby. It would be good for me to engage in an activity that provides pleasure and/or relaxation that’s not work-related.
Yesterday, I worked on a photo album to give our kids, I started on it and when I next looked at the clock, three hours had gone by and I hadn’t even noticed. I got so involved with choosing the right photographs, sorting them, trimming the corners to fit into the album, etc., that I wasn’t at all aware of the time going by. I realized when my husband walked into the room that I was thirsty and hungry, but I hadn’t even noticed. I looked around me and discovered little bits of paper and photos all over the place and I hadn’t noticed them either. It suddenly dawned on me that this little project had given me energy. I had enjoyed working on it to such a degree that I totally lost
track of time and place.
This is part of what hobbies are all about: Doing something with our leisure time that gives us energy. Finding a hobby we can do on our own, that gives us enjoyment, satisfaction and a sense of renewal, seems to be essential
to achieving better balance in life.
My grandfather loved caring for his roses in the spring and summer. Each day he would go out to the backyard and study the beautiful bushes that lined the back of the house. I can still see him sitting in his canvas
garden chair, dressed in his work clothes and weather-beaten straw hat, admiring his roses, their color and shape, checking how much sun they were getting or whether he had pruned them right a few weeks back. Then,
he would take his clippers and his watering can and approach them with great care. He put on his gloves, carefully snipped here and there, and gathered the faded blossoms in a basket. Then he removed his gloves and got on his hands and knees to feel how moist the soil was or to spread it where it had become uneven.
He did these things with surgical precision. Sometimes he would spray for bugs or add extra fertilizer to the soil. Then he would sit again, sipping on iced tea my grandmother had brought him, and admire his roses. Before he was finished for the day, he would cut the flowers that he wanted to bring into the house. He created a small
bouquet in his gloved hand, eventually putting them into a basket to deliver to my grandmother. It brought him great satisfaction.
In the winter months, he continued his research about roses, looking through the many catalogs that came in the mail and choosing just the right specimens to replace or add to his collection.
I often wondered why this retired attorney had turned to growing roses as a hobby. When I asked my father about it, he replied, “Well, he loved the finished product. Nothing made him happier than to see a bouquet of fresh roses on the dining room table that he had picked for your grandmother that day. He felt as though he had accomplished somethings special for both of them.”
Do you have a hobby that you really enjoy? Perhaps you want to create something artistic or make something that can be used everyday. Maybe you decide to learn to draw or to knit. Perhaps you’re interested in learning how to make beer or to build small wooden toys for your kids or grandkids.
My husband’s hobby is playing keyboard on Wednesday nights with other musicians. My sister lives in Hawaii and creates gorgeous pastels of the surrounding landscape and ocean. My friend Kate rides her horse Indigo for pleasure and relaxation.
So what will mine be? I’m not sure yet, but I’m going spend some time finding it.
As Dale Carnegie advised, “Today is life–the only life you are sure of.
Make the most of today. Get interested in something. Shake yourself
awake. Develop a hobby. Let the winds of enthusiasm sweep through you.
Live today with gusto.”
Kathleen
Yesterday, after so many days of grey skies, hard rain and the kind of wet cold that you can never warm, the sun came out. There was not a cloud in the sky. I went outside. I stood in the sunlight. I took my first deep breath in days. I soaked in every radiant particle. I experienced pure joy.
Here are two poems by Rumi that describe my feeling.
The Source of Joy
No one knows what makes the soul wake
up so happy! Maybe a dawn breeze has
blown the veil from the face of God.
A thousand new moons appear. Roses
open laughing. Hearts become perfect
rubies like those from Badakshan. The
body turns entirely spirit. Leaves
become branches in this wind. Why is
it not so easy to surrender, even for
those already surrendered? There’s no
answer to any of this. No one knows
the source of joy. A poet breathes
into a reed flute, and the tip of
every hair makes music. Shams sails
down clods of dirt from the roof, and
we take jobs as doorkeepers for him.
Joy
Joy moves always to new locations,
the ease of its flow never freezing.
A long winter’s tale is over. Now
with each spring day a new story.
Allowing ourselves the experience of pure joy is very regenerating. Perhaps it comes in that first bite of something incredibly delicious. Maybe you sink your nose into a fragrant rose and inhale that intoxicating scent. How about wrapping your arms around someone you love and allowing yourself to fully embrace them? Or when someone says something humorous, allowing yourself a big, full-bellied laugh that shakes your whole body to the core?
Give yourself the gift of joy this week. You deserve it!
Kathleen