Author: Kathleen Doyle-White

6/17/12 “The Creative Monopoly”

Good day, team.

A few months ago, David Brooks wrote a very interesting article for the New York Times, “The Creative Monopoly.” For today’s challenge, I’d like to share a few paragraphs from that article in which he writes about the differences between competition and capitalism and how we often confuse the two.

“As a young man, Peter Thiel competed to get into Stanford. Then he competed to get into Stanford Law School. Then he competed to become a clerk for a federal judge. Thiel won all those competitions. But then he competed to get a Supreme Court clerkship.

Thiel lost that one. So, instead of being a clerk, he went out and founded PayPal. Then he became an early investor in Facebook and many other celebrated technology firms. Somebody later asked him, ‘So, aren’t you glad you didn’t get that Supreme Court clerkship?’

The question got Thiel thinking. His thoughts are now incorporated into a course he is teaching in the Stanford Computer Science Department. One of his core points is that we tend to confuse capitalism with competition. We tend to think that whoever competes best comes out ahead. In the race to be more competitive, we sometimes confuse what is hard with what is valuable. The intensity of competition becomes a proxy for value.

In fact, Thiel argues, we often shouldn’t seek to be really good competitors. We should seek to be really good monopolists. Instead of being slightly better than everybody else in a crowded and established field, it’s often more valuable to create a new market and totally dominate it. The profit margins are much bigger, and the value to society is often bigger too.

Now to be clear, when Thiel is talking about a ‘monopoly,’ he isn’t talking about the illegal eliminate-your-rivals kind. He’s talking about doing something so creative that you establish a distinct market, niche and identity. You’ve established a creative monopoly, and everybody has to come to you if they want that service, at least for a time.”

His lecture points to a provocative possibility: that the competitive spirit capitalism engenders can sometimes inhibit the creativity it requires.

Think about the traits that creative people possess. They don’t follow the crowds; they seek out the blank spots on the map. Creative people wander through faraway and forgotten traditions and then integrate marginal perspectives back to the mainstream. Instead of being fastest around the tracks everybody knows, creative people move adaptively through wildernesses nobody knows.

Now think about competitive environments that confront the most fortunate people today and how it undermines the creative mind-sets.

First, students have to jump through ever-more-demanding, preassigned academic hoops. Instead of developing a passion for one subject, they’re rewarded for becoming professional students, getting better grades across all subjects regardless of their intrinsic interests. Instead of wandering across strange domains, they have to prudentially apportion their time, making productive use of each hour.

Then they move into a ranking system in which the most competitive college, program and employment opportunity is deemed to be the best. There is a status funnel pointing to the most competitive colleges and banks and companies, regardless of their appropriateness.

Then they move into businesses in which the main point is to beat the competition, in which the competitive juices take control and gradually obliterate others goals. … Competition [trumps] value-creation. In this and other ways, the competitive arena undermines innovation.”

All of this got me thinking about the importance of not worrying about what the other guy is doing, but instead, using that energy to create something new or a niche in your market that no one else has inhabited yet.

I am reminded of my first job working for MCI in Washington, D.C. At that time, AT&T had the monopoly on all phone service in the U.S. It also owned the company that made the telephones. Jack Goeken, the founder and Bill McGowan, the CEO of MCI, intended to create a microwave phone service for trucking companies between St. Louis and Chicago so the truckers could communicate far more effectively for a fraction of the cost. Everyone thought they were crazy. No one in the U.S. other than AT&T, was in the phone business. When MCI’s telecommunications system was finally up and running, the Wall Street Journal interviewed Bill and asked him how he could possibly think he could compete with AT&T. His response was, “I’m not competing with AT&T. I’m creating a completely different kind of telecommunications service, of which, in 10 years, MCI will only be one of many players.”

How prophetic his comments were. I remember that our mantra at MCI wasn’t, “We’re going to beat AT&T;” it was, “We’re creating a brand new way to communicate.” The latter statement was much more motivating for us.

This week, ask yourself if you’re competing or creating. Are you spending more time thinking about how to beat out your co-workers for the next promotion or creating new and different ways to work with your fellow team members? Maybe you’re thinking of creating something in your life that has nothing to do with your job. How about finding ways to nurture that creativity by spending time coming up with new ideas?

Maybe your job is to study what the competition is doing to give you an advantage. How about thinking about what your competition is not doing? Is there space in your market to create a niche no one else has thought of yet? Some companies have “idea rooms” where employees can go to for a week and do nothing but draw, paint, write and so on to come up with new product ideas, creative organizational structures and innovative services. How about giving yourself free license to spend time creating something new?

As Brooks writes in his article,

“We live in a culture that nurtures competitive skills. And they are necessary: discipline, rigor and reliability. But it’s probably a good idea to try to supplement them with the skills of the creative monopolist: alertness, independence and the ability to reclaim forgotten traditions.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/10/12 “Anger – Part 2”

Good day, team.

This week, I’d like to respond to some of the comments I received from subscribers about last week’s anger challenge. Some people wished I had written more about what to do once the anger occurs.

My intention in last week’s challenge was to encourage people to observe what’s happening when they become angry. For me, that’s the first step and also part of the answer in dealing with anger. If I can observe it, then the part of me that is observing the anger is not under its control. Noticing this observer can begin to offer me a more neutral view of the stimulus that’s made me angry in the first place. I try not to suppress or rush into “fixing” the anger when it happens to me. There’s often much within it that I can learn from about myself and others. Allowing myself to experience it and inquire more deeply helps me understand much more about the stimulus response mechanism that is at the heart of the experience.

However, in an effort to be responsive to my subscribers, I offer some practical suggestions for how to deal with anger once it’s upon us.

1)Feel your feet. When anger arises, it can be like jet rocket fuel coursing through the veins of an old Model-T Ford. What to do with all this explosive energy? I feel my feet. It immediately draws the energy down through the rest of my body, and the intense energy that collects in my chest and throat is more evenly distributed. It also creates more space in my chest for breathing, which decreases the anxiety that can come from shortness of breath and constriction in the throat. This practice takes some of the heat out of the fire and allows me to breathe.

2)Change the focus. When I’m angry, all my energy gets laser focused on the subject I’m angry about. If I can change my focus, even for a split second, it provides a different perspective and viewpoint. In the example I gave last week of wanting to vent all of my anger at the gas station attendant, I was able to change my focus for just a moment. As I drove into the gas station, I noticed that the sun had come out, and after a morning of rain, it was a welcome sight. This observation altered my mood just enough to begin to pull me out of it.

3)Try not to bundle. When we are angry, we tend to bundle unrelated things onto our current situation. Last week, I observed my thoughts starting to bundle as I was driving around looking for gasoline: “Why can’t I find any diesel gas? This would never happen in Europe! Why do American oil companies have such control over us?” and on and on and on. You can imagine all the other things I could have bundled onto that moment. Luckily, I was able to notice that I was doing this. When I drove into the gas station and saw the attendant smiling at another customer, it interrupted my chain of thought. His smile helped break up my angry thoughts, and I stopped myself from bundling something else onto the situation. I realized that this guy was not responsible for American oil companies and increasing my anger wasn’t going to help me get the gas I needed. This awareness also allowed me to respond in a more civil tone to him when he asked if he could help.

4)Remember what’s important to you. Anger makes us believe the only thing that’s really important is what we’re angry about. If you find yourself getting angry with your partner, for example, try stepping back to look at whatever is making you angry in the grand scheme of things. I don’t mean you can’t honestly communicate what’s bothering you, but seeing whatever it is in relative terms often decreases its importance and the burning desire we have to shout about it. Approaching the situation calmly and with some perspective gives you an opportunity to frame the message in a way that it can really be heard and received. I remember a friend telling me about how she was yelling at her husband about something while she was doing the dishes, and all of a sudden a glass broke in her hand. Her husband immediately ran to her side to help her wrap her hand to stop the bleeding. In that moment, the anger was immediately replaced by love and concern.

5)Be honest about what’s really going on. When I’m really angry with someone, I ask myself the five whys. Here’s an example:
I can’t believe he did that to me again! Why?
Because he always does that to me. Why?
He’s trying to compete with me. Why?
He doesn’t respect me. Why?
He doesn’t respect anyone. Why?
He doesn’t respect himself.

If we take the time (and use that angry energy) to do some deeper inquiry into why we are feeling angry rather than just fight back, we have an opportunity to see what might be underlying a situation. Often once we have this deeper information, the anger can begin to dissolve.

6)Be honest in your communication. Taking responsibility for our anger is key. Nothing is more frustrating than to be in a room with a bunch of angry, resentful people who aren’t saying anything. Owning up to our feelings is critical when anger overtakes us. I would much rather have someone say, “Look, this makes me really angry, and we need to talk about it!” Rather than have someone sneer at me or make negative comments about me to someone else. Having the courage to say it like it is, but in such a way that we can be heard, is paramount to making our way through the anger in a much healthier way. We can clear the air rather than harbor the elephant in the room.

No one is comfortable with anger. We generally want to get rid of the energy as quickly as possible because it’s volatile and can be destructive. If we can’t express it, we want to fix it. But often the part of me that wants to fix it becomes angry when I can’t fix it and then that anger gets bundled in with the rest.

Being patient with the process of observing anger is actually harder than dispelling it. But the process of inquiry never lets me down. My inner world contains an entire universe that is worth exploring. And sometimes, the energy of anger is just what I need to propel me further into that unknown territory where the heart of the matter truly lies.

As the poet Ranier Maria Rilke advised, “Live the questions.” And if that doesn’t work for you, I hope the above suggestions will.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

6/3/12 “Anger”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about anger. Whether we like it or not, the state of anger happens to all of us from time to time. More often than not, expressing our anger causes more problems than we started with, and we are usually the ones who suffer the consequences. Times are few and far between when the expression of anger can serve us well, but it is possible, depending on our self-awareness at the time.

This subject came up a number of times last week as I observed people getting angry. I became angry myself on Saturday and thought I would share the circumstances to better understand this subject.

From 8 in the morning until 3:45 in the afternoon on Saturday, I facilitated a meeting for a local board of directors. It was a good day. The group was cooperative, the location was perfect, and we made good progress as we moved through the agenda to create a strategic plan for the team. My only difficulty was a headache that lurked in the back of my head throughout the day. Even after taking some ibuprofen, it would not go away.

Once the meeting was over, I needed to get some gas before I drove out of town to join my husband at our house in the gorge. I drove up to the various gas stations near the meeting only to discover that none of them sold diesel gasoline, which was what I needed. My anger started to rise. I observed the thoughts that fueled my anger: “What’s wrong with these gas stations? Don’t they realize that some people drive diesel cars? This would never happen in Europe where the availability of diesel gas is so much better than here! The American oil companies have us over a barrel, and we never seem to fight back!” By the time I finally found a station that sold diesel gas, I was pretty angry.

So what was happening? I had a big concentration of energy in my upper chest that made me feel short of breath. My angry thoughts about oil companies were being augmented by angry thoughts about having to work on a Saturday, my pounding headache, and the long drive ahead of me — and all of this was compounding to increase my anger. By the time the gas station attendant asked if he could help me, I wanted to shout out, “FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL!”

I didn’t do that, but you can imagine how this angry outburst would have been totally misplaced. He was the person who was going to give me what I wanted, and yet I nearly bit his head off. My anger really wanted to express itself. Anger is like this. Once the state overtakes us, the body feels compelled to get rid of that explosive energy. It often just comes out at the first person we come into contact with whether he or she has anything to do with why we are angry.

Rather than shout at the gas station attendant, I said to him, “Gosh, I’m so glad you sell diesel. I’ve been driving around for a half hour unable to find a gas station that sells it, getting angrier and angrier.” He nodded with smile and said, “I understand what you mean. That would be frustrating for me too.” This got me thinking about what makes us angry and how destructive it can be in our relationships, particularly when it’s misplaced.

I wondered about the kinds of situations that make me angry. I often become angry when my expectations about how something should go aren’t met. I become frustrated and soon after, the frustration turns to anger. I also get angry when people express their anger toward me, and the angrier they are, the angrier I am in response. It’s like having someone push on me with forceful, negative energy; the stronger they push on me, the more I want to push back on them with at least the same amount of strong, negative energy — if not more. I also become angry when I do something stupid or disappoint myself in some way. In fact, I am more forgiving of others when they do things that disappoint me. When it comes to my own actions, I’m much more judgmental, and that judgment can quickly turn to anger.

I also become angry when I see what I consider to be a great injustice done to others or when I observe someone being bullied or treated unfairly. I was reading recently about a man who had been unjustly imprisoned for 20 years for a rape he never committed, and I watched my anger rise inside of me as I continued to read the article.

Angry energy rises up in each of us for different reasons. How can we use that energy in a constructive and useful way rather than in a destructive way? Should we just let the anger explode out accidentally? Or can we learn to use that volatile, fiery energy for better purposes?

In the case of the gas station attendant, I was lucky. I was already observing the anger inside me, and when he asked if he could help me, I was able to control my outburst of energy and explain to him what was happening to me rather than take the anger out on him. But I’m not always so self-aware, and when I’m not, the anger just pops out. When I am able to see that I’m becoming angry or that the state is becoming more and more volatile, I have an opportunity to act from the place that’s observing the anger, rather than the anger itself.

Anger can serve for good purposes, however, when it is used to set a healthy boundary. The story from the Bible of Jesus throwing the moneychangers out of the temple comes to mind. From the gospels:

On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the moneychangers and the benches of those selling doves and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts. And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’
— Mark 11:15–18

I remember reading this story as a child and wondering what this ever-compassionate, peaceful man was doing turning over tables and throwing people out of the temple in a fit of anger? This didn’t seem like his regular personality, and the unusualness of it made an impression on me. He was making a strong statement about the sacredness of the temple and how inappropriate it was to use it for commercial purposes. When our expression of anger sends a loud and clear message that sets a healthy boundary, it can be the right action for everyone involved. But, it’s tricky. As Aristotle wrote:

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

This week, see if you can observe what happens to you when you become angry. Do you feel that explosive energy rising up in your chest, into your throat, wanting to express itself? Do you have lots of angry thoughts that seem to be fueling your anger? How about your tone of voice? Do you hear your tone changing when speaking to others when you’re angry? Or maybe you cut someone off in a meeting because you’re impatient with him or her and your anger is rising as you get more impatient.

See what happens after you’ve expressed your anger. Do you see the expression on the other person’s face change when you express your anger? Perhaps you have cultivated more passive aggressive ways to express your anger such as making negative side comments to someone in a meeting, texting those negative comments to others or gossiping about someone. Sometimes I observe people expressing their anger by provoking others with negative comments or intentionally being uncooperative to get what they want. All these expressions of negativity often stem from impatience, judgment and intolerance, and if we’re not careful, they can easily turn into an angry expression or invoke an angry response from another person.

This week, see if you can use your anger rather than allow it to use you. Observe how you express yourself when the state of anger has you in its grips, and see if you can moderate it to create a better outcome.

As Ambrose Bierce advised, “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

5/28/12 “In Memoriam”

Good day, team.

Today is Memorial Day. For this week’s challenge, I am offering a few poems about war that touch me deeply. It is but one way to honor those who serve in the armed forces. Your challenge this week is to find your own way to honor those who served their countrymen. Let us not forget those who have perished, those who’s lives have been marred by war, and those who continue to serve us.

As Toilsome I Wander’d Virginia’s Woods

As toilsome I wander’d Virginia’s woods,
To the music of rustling leaves kick’d by my feet, (for ’twas autumn,)
I mark’d at the foot of a tree the grave of a soldier;
Mortally wounded he and buried on the retreat, (easily all could understand,)
The halt of a mid-day hour, when up! No time to lose-yet this sign left,
On a tablet scrawl’d and nail’d on the tree by the grave,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.

Long, long I muse, then on my way go wandering,
Many a changeful season to follow, and many a scene of life,

Yet at times through changeful season and scene, abrupt, alone, or in the crowded street,
Comes before me the unknown soldier’s grave, come the inscription rude in Virginia’s woods,
Bold, cautious, true, and my loving comrade.

~ Walt Whitman

Ten Minutes

It was ten minutes before the war
The quietest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes before the war
And everything was looking good

It was ten minutes during the war
The sickest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes during the war
And everything was dying fast

break

It was ten minutes after the war
The emptiest thing you ever saw
Ten minutes after the war
And there was nothing left

No more war
Is that what it takes for
No more war

No more war
Is that what it takes for
No more war

It was ten minutes.

~ Colin Coplin

Upon the Arid Lakes
Someplace
A field of flowers
Rousing under remnants of the dawn:
Out there! from death, I rose
Above the silent many –
A distant will-o’-the-wisp
Reflecting under airs of minor ninths –
How rich the ambience they threw!

What theme of prosody
Had rendered me? –
Tho’ silent were its words:
A broken soul in pulsing pain –
Thou mustn’t guess what goes behind
The sick and ghostly screen of war!

In sallow-grey and other ashen hues,
Disrobed of warming flesh
That reassures the bones,
A twisted pose
Portrayed my physicality –
Not unlike the carcass of a prey;

But as a cloud of thought, I mused,
Exacerbating woes
Collected in a life dispatched
In freely flowing blood,
Conferring crimson shades
Upon the arid lakes aflood
With glorious tides of nascent buds
Begetting innocence.
And as we glowed in ruddy shades,
I asked: ‘What future lies ahead?
What terror trades? ’

~ Mark R. Slaughter

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249 office

5/20/12 “Separation”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about separation. That is, how we sometimes separate ourselves from others, including family, co-workers and friends.

All of us experience this sense of being separate from time to time. Sometimes it’s caused by a succession of failures, too much stress, or being out of sorts with family members or friends. Whatever the cause, when I feel disconnected from others, it is frequently accompanied by a state of depression and I experience a lot of negative thoughts:

“No one understands me.”
“Why do I have to do this all on my own?”
“No one likes me, so it won’t matter whether I show up or not.”
“I’m such a failure, I can’t do anything right.”
“I’m really an impostor here; if people really knew that I have no idea what I’m doing, I’d never have a job.”

All of these thoughts have the ring of separation to them. In these moments, I see myself as separate from the team, from my family, from my friends. I’m not like them. I’m different in some way.

When I work with teams, I often notice that someone on the team is separating themselves from the others. They may do this by not responding when asked to participate or by having the attitude that they know more than the rest of the group. If someone acts in an antagonistic or provocative way, it can separate him or her from the team. At the same time, feeling like a victim can separate a person from the whole. Even leaders who see themselves as powerful or authoritative can begin to feel separate from their teams. Whether a person sees him- or herself as special or insignificant, the results can be the same: separation.

This feeling of separateness is an illusion. Although we play different roles in our lives, we are all connected to one another. When we forget our connection to all other living beings, we start to get into trouble. I may think the Japanese tsunami last year was an event separate from me, but the remaining debris from that tsunami’s aftermath is about to show up on our west coast shores. I can judge my neighbors and feel like I’m better or smarter — until I need to call them for help. Will they judge me in return in that moment? What about when a fellow team member needs to pick up some of my job responsibilities when I’m out sick? I hope he or she won’t be feeling separate from me and will be able to see the importance of supporting me when I need it. Every action we take impacts someone else somewhere, somehow.

The best metaphor for this is the ocean and the wave. In our various roles, we show up as a wave. Sometimes waves are big and powerful, and other times, they roll calmly onto the shore. Waves can be bright and beautiful with white, frothy crests and deep blue colors or dark and grey with a slick surface. Just as we can be bright and beautiful or dark and grey, our various personalities show up as waves. Believing that our wave is separated from all the other waves can make us feel alone — but in reality, we are part of a huge ocean. That ocean is made of water and the water is what makes up the waves. Without the ocean, there is no wave. Without the rest of humanity, there is no one person.

This week, see whether you’ve separated yourself from others in some part of your life. Do you pride yourself in being different and, in turn, think you’re better than or less than others? How about with your family — are you the black sheep or the odd one or the best one? Do you separate yourself by spending most of your time alone? Do you not pay attention to others when you’re in a meeting and separate your attention away from everyone else? When you resist participating, what is it in you that thinks you’re not connected to everyone else? If you envision a sports team playing on the field, what if someone kicks the ball to their teammate and their teammate decides not to play anymore? Doesn’t the game stop? We are indeed each unique individuals, but it’s important to understand that what makes us special doesn’t need to separate us from others. In fact, that’s what makes teams so great — all of those unique qualities and strengths directed toward a common goal.

This week, appreciate how connected you are to others in all things. We were not put here to be alone and belonging to each other is one of the great gifts of humankind.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 422-9249

5/13/12 “Revel in Abundance”

Good day, team.
The coach’s challenge this week is about abundance. Look around you. What do you see? Do you have everything you need? Do you have everything you want? What is the difference? Are you grateful for what you have, or do you find yourself constantly longing for what you don’t have?
This reminds me of a novel I read entitled “Shantaram” by Gregory Roberts, about life in the slums of Bombay, India. Most of the characters in this book live in small, handmade huts on the outskirts of the city. They own a change of clothes, a toothbrush, a cup, a plate, a fork and a mat to sleep on. (And these are the lucky ones!) I am amazed at how happy these people are and how they experience abundance in their lives. They are grateful for the smallest things because they have so little. I also read another novel about a young girl who was born into a family of billionaires and has all she’s ever wanted. Her life is characterized by continual displeasure with everyone and everything around her. The contrast between the two stories is obvious: Abundance is not about having more and more things but about our attitude toward the things we have.
We live in a world of enormous wealth and consumerism. The selection of products is overwhelming at times. Do you ever find yourself in the store unable to decide among the 30 brands of laundry detergent on the shelf? The time I often spend analyzing which brand to buy is actually worth far more to me than any benefit I might derive from saving money or getting better quality with the “right” choice. I’m actually happier if I have a more limited selection. Faced with too many options, I chafe for what isn’t available, and then I’m dissatisfied with what is.
Cultivating an awareness of our surroundings is one of the best ways to experience abundance. Right now, we are enjoying the beauty of spring. The power of nature is everywhere. Wildflowers are in bloom, trees are resplendent in many different shades of green, and the increasing warm weather draws us outside to revel in nature’s abundance. Each of us can experience this wonderful season but only if we take the time to see it, smell it, touch it. This time of year, we can be especially grateful for the warmth of welcome sunshine on our skin. Perhaps you find yourself arranging flowers and their fragrance fills you with happiness. Finding ways to experience these delights of the season increases my feelings of abundance and gratitude for what I experience in my life.
This week, take a moment or two to appreciate the abundance in your life. Do you have plenty to eat? Are you surrounded by people who love you? Maybe you live in a beautiful place and always have the wonders of nature around you. Perhaps your home brings you great pleasure as you soak in your tub, spend many wonderful hours in your garden or relax in your easy chair. Whatever abundance is around you, give yourself time to revel in it.
When we feel abundant, we tend to attract abundance. When we cultivate an attitude of scarcity, our minds focus on what we don’t have, and in turn, we attract less of what we need and want. Try finding something in your environment this week that makes you truly grateful. Experience how happy and abundant this appreciation makes you feel. Enjoy life as William Blake expressed it in “Auguries of Innocence”:
To see a World in a grain of sand
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour.
Have a great week!
Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/29/12 “Utilizing your strengths”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge comes from the author and blogger, Penelope Trunk. Her book “Brazen Careerist: The New Rules for Success” is a must read for anyone trying to figure out what career to follow or how to be more successful in a current job. The book includes 45 tips that are brazenly unconventional, bold and radical.

Because I’m an avid fan of Joseph Campbell and his advice to “follow your bliss,” this blog entry from Trunk definitely caught my eye. Have a look:

The Worst Career Advice: Do What You Love
By Penelope Trunk

“One of the worst pieces of career advice that I bet each of you has not only received but given is to ‘do what you love.’

Forget that. It’s absurd. I have been writing since before I even knew how to write — when I was a preschooler I dictated my writing to my dad. And you might not be in preschool, but if you are in touch with who you are, that sort of behavior continues: You do what you love no matter what, because you love it, not because you get paid to do it.

So you will say, ‘But look. Now you are getting paid to do what you love. You are so lucky.’ But it’s not true. I mean, there are things I enjoy more, and I discover new things I love all the time. We are each multifaceted, multilayered and complicated, and if you are reading this blog, you probably devote a large part of your life to learning about yourself. And self-discovery is a process; none us loves just one thing.

Career decisions are not decisions about what do I love most. Career decisions are about what kind of life do I want to set up for myself. After all, how could you possibly pick one thing you love to do?

The world reveals to you all that you love by what you spend time on. Try stuff. If you like it, you’ll go back to it. I recently tried Pilates. I didn’t want to try, but a friend said she loved the teacher, so I went. I loved it. I have taken it three times a week ever since, and it’s changed me.

Often, the thing we should do for our career is something we would only do if we were getting a reward. If you tell yourself that your job has to be something you’d do even if you didn’t get paid, you’ll be looking for a long time. Maybe forever. So why set that standard? The reward for doing a job is contributing to something larger than you are, participating in society and being valued in the form of money.

The pressure we feel to find a perfect career is insane. And given that people are trying to find it before they are 30 in order to avoid both a quarter-life crisis and a biological-clock crisis, the pressure is enough to push people over the edge. Which is why one of the highest risk times for depression in life is in one’s early 20s when people realize how totally impossible it is to simply ‘do what you love.’

Here’s some practical advice: Do not what you love; do what you are. It’s how I chose my career. I bought the book with that title — maybe my favorite career book of all time — and I took the quickie version of the Myers-Briggs test. The book gave me a list of my strengths and a list of jobs where I would likely succeed based on those strengths.

Relationships make your life great, not jobs. But a job can ruin your life — make you feel out of control in terms of your time or your ability to accomplish goals — but no job will make your life complete. It’s a myth mostly propagated by people who tell you to do what you love. Doing what you love will make you feel fulfilled. But you don’t need to get paid for it.

A job can save your life, though. If you are lost and lonely and wondering how you’ll ever find your way in this world, take a job. Any job. Because structure and regular contact with regular people and a method of contributing to a larger group are all things that help us recalibrate ourselves.

So if you are overwhelmed with the task of ‘doing what you love,’ you should recognize that you are totally normal, and maybe you should just forget it. Just do something that caters to your strengths. Do anything.

And if you are so overwhelmed that you feel depression coming on, consider that a job might save you. Take one. Doing work and being valued in the community is important. For better or worse, we value people with money. Earn some. Doing work you love is not so important. We value love in relationships. Make some.”

Trunk offers much to think about in this blog post. None of us have the luxury of only doing work that compliments our strengths. But if you’re lucky enough to be part of a team, the work can be divided in such a way as to play to each team members’ strengths. A smart manager quickly tunes into everyone’s strengths and aligns responsibilities accordingly. This makes for a much happier group of people who support rather than detract from one another. It’s often in the relationships we form at work that we receive our greatest gifts and challenges.

If we follow Trunk’s advice and don’t expect our job to make our life complete, then we accept what a job can actually do for us. A job can provide part of what we need in life to succeed — by our own definition, not anyone else’s. Many other aspects of our life can provide the deeper satisfaction and joy we seek. If we expect our jobs to give us everything, we will probably get disappointed.

From another angle, there’s something to be said for knowing when to get things done and how to allocate our time so that we’re spending more time doing what we’re good at rather than struggling with things we’re not as good at. Years ago, my grandmother told me that she liked to get her household chores done early in the day so that later on she could bake. My grandmother definitely had strengths in baking — her chocolate donuts and apple pies were amazing! I know that my grandmother didn’t enjoy cleaning up after four children and a husband each day, but she did love to bake. She was smart to concentrate the best part of her day on her favorite activity. This seemed like a great use of her strengths to me, and it was a good lesson in doing the stuff we really don’t like first to get them out of the way so we can concentrate on what we do enjoy.

Your challenge this week is to consider your strengths and try aligning your job responsibilities with your strengths. If you’re not aware of what your top strengths are, take a strengths assessment to find out. There are lots of books on the topic: “Now, Discover Your Strengths” by Marcus Buckingham, “StrengthsFinder 2.0” by Tom Rath, “Strengths-Based Leadership” by Tom Rath and Barry Conchie. All of these books help you discover your strengths and learn to use them in your job. They also all have instructions for how you can go online to discover your strengths.

Dr. Donald O. Clifton, cited by the American Psychological Association as the father (and now the grandfather) of strengths psychology, wrote, “A strength is something you like to do, are good at and learn quickly.”

Sounds good to me!

Have a good week,

Kathleen

* The coach will be on vacation next weekend. The next challenge will be published 5/13/12.

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/22/12 “Self-doubt”

Good day team,

This weeks challenge comes from a quote I read by the great French novelist and playwright, Honore de Balzac.

“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.”

I think we all know what Balzac was referring to. When we set out to accomplish something that doesn’t go exactly as we expected, or when our ideas or actions are rejected by others, we immediately experience self-doubt. Our inner voices are suddenly fueled by negative thoughts that say things like, “My idea was stupid in the first place”, or “No one ever appreciates what I do”, or “What made you think you could accomplish this in the first place? What a fool!” and so on.

This experience of self-deprecation is one of the greatest ways we sabotage ourselves. We give our power away to that self-doubt and shy away from what we were trying to do in the first place.

How many of us sat at the dinner table growing up and were asked this question by a parent. “What did you do today at school?” Our parents were expecting us to describe what we had achieved, not how we had failed. “Well Dad, I got a B+ on my history test.” “Great son, what else?” Again, tell me what you accomplished.

Imagine how the conversation might have gone if Dad had congratulated us for our failures as well as our successes. Here’s a great example of what can happen when failure is encouraged.

Sara Blakely is the founder of Spanx, a highly successful company that makes women’s undergarments. Just a few months ago, Sara was on the cover of Forbes magazine and recognized as one of this country’s newest billionaires. She built her fortune by conceiving, designing, and manufacturing a product that millions of women around the world wear. It’s a bit like a modern day version of a girdle. Call it panty hose without the hose.

Sara didn’t come up with this over night. She was involved in a number of start-up ventures before she launched Spanx. They all failed miserably. But unlike many of us, she never got discouraged. She never allowed self-doubt to disempower her. She just kept coming up with new ideas and trying to turn them into successful businesses.

When Sara and her brother were growing up, their father asked them a completely different question at dinner time – “How did you fail today?” When they answered the question, their Dad would respond, “Gee, that’s great. You learned another set of lessons about what works and doesn’t work. Good job!”

When I read about Sara’s father asking this question, I realized that he was helping to teach some valuable lessons:

1.

failure is to be expected whenever we try to achieve something new
2.

what we learn from failing can be most important.

Instead of criticizing his children for failure, he did just the opposite. Consequently, Sara grew up more than willing to take risks, try out new ideas and products, fall on her face more than a few times, and still get up everyday with the attitude that she was doing the right thing – because she was failing! Think of how different your life would be if you had been raised to embrace and celebrate your failures? The whole notion of success and failure would be turned on it’s head.

This came as a revelation to me a few years back when I realized that I made many decisions from fear rather than from desire. I wanted to write a book of poetry when I was in my 20’s but I was too afraid of criticism. I wanted to go back to school and get an advanced degree. But I was too afraid that the work load would prevent me from attending to my business and that I wouldn’t make enough money. I wanted to learn how to play piano again. But I was afraid I wasn’t committed enough to practice and that it would be a waste of my time. I wanted to travel to Africa but I was too afraid that I might get sick and not be able to find good healthcare. The list goes on and on. In each case, the more I heeded my fear and inner negative voices, the more empowered they became. Eventually, they became powerful enough to talk me out of doing what I wanted to do and feel justified in not doing them.

One day, I got angry enough to change. I wasn’t going to continue to listen to my self-doubt. I was going to start making decisions based on what I wanted to do. I felt like Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, when, after many years of war and destitution, she reached into the earth, grabbed a clump of dirt and raised it to the sky exclaiming, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!” Well, as my God was my witness, I wasn’t going to let fear lead my life!

I had to come up with ways to neutralize my self-doubt so that it wouldn’t become so convincing. I needed to find ways to convert doubt and defeat into empowerment and courage.

I discovered some things that helped me and offer them here as suggestions that might help you have more trust in yourself :

1. Get grounded through presence

I often find that when I’m experiencing a lot of self-doubt, the simple act of trying to be present brings me out of it. This requires focusing on my attention on something very specific (like feeling my feet or my breath) to bring me into the moment and change the subject. Sometimes I focus on a sound, or a picture, or a sensation. Sometimes, going for a short walk will immediately pull me out of my negative thoughts and refresh me. Talking with a colleague or friend can work as well.

2. Balance the minuses with pluses

If you naturally see the glass half empty, try seeing it half full. If you still can’t focus on the positive aspects of something, ask someone who you know sees the world naturally as half full. There are always losses and gains to everything, but focusing only on the losses keeps us in that negative place. I often ask my clients to tell me what they gained from having worked with me. I keep their comments written down and review them whenever I find myself in a particularly bad bout of self-deprecating thoughts.

3. Find what makes you feel good

Finding yourself in a funk can be remedied by doing something that makes you feel good. Find what nurtures you and do it. Maybe you enjoy listening to music or reading books. How about having your significant other massage your hands or feet? Sometimes, when I’m feeling overwhelmed by self-doubt, I take a hot bath. My husband finds his joy in playing, writing and arranging music. This always changes his state of mind and heart. Make sure you make time in your day to play at whatever you enjoy and get enough sleep. All of these things will help you maintain a healthier state of mind and body.

4. Reach out to others and connect

As much as we can try to do things for ourselves in our moments of self-doubt, reaching out to others for help is essential. This is where coaches and therapists, teachers and mentors really come in handy. They are trained to listen and support us when we need it most. We can also benefit from acting in this role for another. One of my favorite ways to neutralize my self-doubt is by coaching someone else. Just by taking the focus off of me and being present to them, I automatically benefit from the interaction. And, it always gives me a different view finder through which to look. Even reaching out to a co-worker or friend and asking how they see something can help us adopt a more positive point of view.

This week, try using some of these methods to cast self-doubt and deprecation out of your mind. No one ever got anywhere by listening to their inner thoughts telling they couldn’t do something. See if one of these methods helps you cultivate a different set of thoughts that serve you better. How about working on your attitudes about success and failure? Maybe just seeing it completely differently is enough to encourage you to keep going.

Having the courage and determination to keep trying in the midst of failure seems to be one of the major keys to success. When you experience self-doubt, don’t give it any more power than it already has.

As Steve Jobs powerfully reminded us,

“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

~ Steve Jobs, Co-Founder and CEO of Apple Computer

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Founder, Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/15/12 “Poetry”

Good day, team.

April is poetry month, and it always gives me an opportunity to share one of my favorite poems. Poetry speaks to our inner being more than our external personalities. It has a way of revealing something that we know is so true, that we can hardly believe someone put it in words, in just that way, with such beauty and eloquence.

Special thanks to my wonderful friend Vanessa who introduced me to this poem.

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~ Naomi Shahib Nye

Your challenge this week is to find a poem or excerpt of prose that speaks to you. This assignment should not be difficult for those of you who love poetry, but if you don’t, try to at least take some time to explore a little — you just might find something that appeals to you. Sometimes the best poems are simple and short. Other times, a great poem is found in an entire book that describes an epic saga or journey. Whatever form it takes, find the poem that truly inspires you.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/8/12 “Spring”

Good day, team.

This past weekend, all of the daffodils finally bloomed out at our property in the Columbia River Gorge. It makes me so happy to see them. Although the weather changes frequently at this time of year — light snow, hail, rain, sun — once all the daffodils are in bloom, I know that spring has finally announced itself.

This season of growth and fertility is a great time for new beginnings. Just as we watch nature transform itself from dormancy to activity, we also are encouraged to wake up and fully engage in our own endeavors. The coming of spring, reminds me of something I often tell my clients, “When the light is green — go!” The arrival of spring is very much like a stoplight turning green. Everything around us tells us to emerge, become, initiate, flower. Beginning new endeavors when the time is right can be critical to their success.

On the other hand, trying to get something accomplished when the time isn’t quite right — when the light is red or yellow — can be frustrating. No matter how hard you try to make something happen when the light is red, it’s not going to happen. Sometimes we are unsure whether it’s a good time to begin something new — the light is yellow. We proceed with caution knowing that we may be stopped along the way and often experience a slow down of events and accomplishments.

Many of my clients and friends are motivated by achievement and have a strong desire to keep going at maximum speed throughout the year, regardless of whether the time is right for various activities. They are frustrated by others who are not as motivated by achievement and blame them for blocking their desire to get stuff done. In fact, this desire for constant achievement can become an obstacle in itself. If you keep trying to go when the light is red — or when your own nature is calling for you to slow down — you end up crashing sooner or later.

Sometimes it’s difficult to tune into the shifts and changes of your own nature. It can be helpful to tune into the nature around you as the seasons change. For example, no matter how hard I may want my tulips to bloom in November, they won’t until spring arrives. So perhaps I should listen to nature’s message. Why not shift down into a slower gear in winter, while nature sleeps and gathers energy? Then allow myself to grow and blossom during spring along with nature’s budding flowers and trees. How about allowing myself to glow in the fires of joy and happiness in the heat of summer? And then harvest the fruits of my own labors along with the cornucopia of Indian summer and autumn.

Tuning into the flow of nature is not a new idea. Many Native American cultures observed the ways of nature and celebrated it with their foods, traditions and ceremonies. The Chinese Five Element Theory helps form the basis of Chinese medicine, feng shui design principles and many seasonal foods, acknowledging the five seasons: winter, spring, summer, Indian summer and autumn. Many native tribes around the world still use the seasons as hallmarks for their annual excursions and sacred ceremonies as a way of honoring nature with their tribal traditions. Going with the flow of nature — that of the earth and of our own true selves — just makes good sense. When I do this in my own life, I experience much less resistance.

This week, notice if you’re trying to make something happen when the time truly isn’t right, when the light is red. Do you feel like you keep hitting a brick wall? What kind of resistance is making it difficult to achieve your goal? Conversely, notice when your endeavors just fall into place with very little effort. If so, then the light is probably green, and it may seem like you can barely go fast enough to keep up. Or maybe you are just feeling your way, with a yellow light, and it’s a bit slow going with plenty of confusing messages along the way.

Whatever the case, try to tune into spring and see whether it can influence you with its growth and promise. See if by realigning yourself with nature, you can find the green light you need to proceed with a new idea or venture.

“The seasons are what a symphony ought to be: four perfect movements in harmony with each other,” 
wrote the famous concert pianist, Arthur Rubenstein.

This week, see whether you’re in harmony with nature and the changes it brings. What is nature encouraging you to do?

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.