Author: Kathleen Doyle-White

4/1/12 “Blame”

Good day, team.

Each week, I try to write about a subject that’s relevant for my clients. Unfortunately, I’m seeing blame crop up in the teams of some of my clients so I feel compelled to make it the focus of this week’s challenge. Blame is one of the most destructive attitudes to cultivate when in a dispute with someone. Whether you disagree with a family member, a friend or a teammate at work, blame plants the seeds of distrust, which in turn creates suffering for everyone involved.

When someone blames us, we go into defense mode. But the reality is: If we are trying to do our best, there is nothing to defend. Pay attention to how often you defend yourself with others. More important, notice how often you defend yourself internally with thoughts like “They really don’t understand me. I’m the one who was right; they just don’t get it.” Sooner or later, this inner defensiveness gets projected out onto to someone else.
What strikes me most about this is the partnership that blame and defensiveness form in working against us, particularly when we’re trying to play on the same team with someone. At the heart of this defensiveness is our overwhelming desire to be right. This desire, along with wanting to look good or appear smart, is so overwhelming that it blinds us to whatever anyone else is saying or doing.
I remember my father talking with my mother over dinner one evening about his colleague Bill. Bill always had to be right, always had to put himself in the best light possible and could not be trusted because he focused entirely on making himself look good. My father said, “Bill is so determined to be right that even when he’s wrong, he’s often the first to point it out so he can be right about being wrong!” I remember thinking how awful it must be to worry about what other people think about you all the time.
On reflection, I realize that what my father said that evening about not trusting Bill is at the heart of this issue. We can find other people to be reliable, competent and friendly, even committed to the same goals we are, but if we think their chief motivation is to make themselves look good or that their goal is merely the next promotion, a big bonus or a chance to pump up their ego, we won’t trust them.
When our self-image is at stake, many of us go to extraordinary lengths to defend ourselves. Sadly, though, the self-image we’ve created is imaginary, and so we end up defending something that doesn’t exist. I often ask my husband, “What do you see me doing?” because I cannot see myself. I’m too close to my well-honed self-image. I often have to check in with myself to inquire about my true motivation. Am I only doing this to make myself look good? Have I taken anyone else’s well-being into account before I pursue a given course of action?
Some of the people I consider heroes — Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi, Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama — have never been afraid to be wrong in the eyes of others when it comes to the well-being and welfare of their fellow beings. I hold them in high esteem and often think, “What would they do?” before I act.
Your challenge this week is to notice when you tend to be the most defensive. If you blame others when something goes wrong, ask yourself if blaming them will lead to a good outcome. How much of your motivation is about making yourself look good rather than what’s best for the team? Be courageous in your inquiry.
The Dalai Lama advises, “When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy. Pride leads to violence and evil. The truly good gaze upon everything with love and understanding.”
Have a good week!
Kathleen
Kathleen Doyle-White
Pathfinders Coaching
(503) 296-9249
© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search, Inc., all rights reserved.

3/25/12 “Startups”

Good day, team.

Last week, I found myself in midtown Manhattan meeting with my new startup clients — six people from different backgrounds, business experiences and living situations, all incredibly pumped up and focused on their new venture. There is nothing like the energy of a startup. It’s equal parts certainty and uncertainty, which puts the people involved in a perpetual state of optimism and fear. It’s life on the razor’s edge. Some days, you’re convinced that everyone will want to buy your product, service or idea, and other days, you wonder how you’re ever going to get this baby off the ground. Where will the money come from? How will you ever get all the work done with so few people? What convinced you that this could work?

Leaving a steady job that seamlessly deposits money into your checking account every two weeks is a tough thing to do, particularly in today’s uncertain job market. The security that comes with that paycheck is often enough to help us ignore the dysfunctionality that occurs in most large companies. How often have you heard someone say, “I really hate this job, but I’m paid so well and have such good benefits that I can’t afford to leave”? The brave souls who leave that security to venture into the unknown territory of a startup almost always feel a combination of burning desire and heartburn.

This week’s challenge is about accessing that startup passion and commitment, regardless of what kind of job or profession you’re engaged in. Here’s an example. One of my current clients — let’s call him Joe — has worked in the same profession for 15 years. He’s really good at what he does and has slowly made his way up in his organization to hold a senior position. Joe is well-known and highly respected in his industry. He also has a growing family that he loves more than anything. Although the demands of his job often sneak into quality time with his family, he has managed to set some healthy boundaries with his boss to maintain a healthy work-life balance. He makes good money, enjoys where he lives and has great friends.

So why did Joe engage a coach? From the outside, his life looks pretty good. However, Joe found himself in that place Dante described so well in the “Inferno”: “Midway upon the journey of my life, I found myself within a forest dark, for the straightforward pathway had been lost.”

Indeed, Joe wondered where he’d lost himself along the way. You could call this a “mid-life crisis. But when I see people at this crossroad in their lives, regardless of their age, I recognize an opportunity to make a fundamental change. To reboot, so to speak, so they can access the passion within them. When the thing that ignites the essential fire within has been lost, finding it again is essential to carrying on.

Startup companies thrive on this kind of creative energy. In fact, it’s often all they have in the beginning. The ability to tap into that passion within oneself is the very thing that helps us make our way out of the dark woods. Like finding our true north again, it’s the compass that guides us away from confusion and doubt and into the light of clarity and new possibilities.

This week, spend some time finding your passion. If many aspects of your job have become stale, think about ways to redesign the way you do things to bring your creativity into your normal routine. How about taking the family some place you’ve never been before? One client I had took his family to Alaska on vacation, after many years of going to the same place on the beach in Mexico. He arranged for them to take a small plane ride to a remote island where they camped and fished for two weeks. He observed that it greatly improved all of their relationships. The kids were excited about learning how to fish and to see bears scooping salmon out of the water. He and his wife rekindled the fire he thought had long ago burnt out. As he watched her hanging hand-washed clothes on a makeshift clothesline by the lake, he saw the woman he so loved and appreciated. As he remarked, “She was just so incredibly beautiful in that moment, it brought tears to my eyes.”

Find what brings that passion back into your life. We can’t all be lucky or brave enough to be involved in a startup, where the nature of the new beginning reconnects us to that spirit of adventure and creativity. But each of us has an opportunity to change our habits just enough to wake up to the beauty around us. That beauty actually exists in every new moment, whether it’s in seeing a fellow teammate in a new way or connecting with a loved one.

Dante wasn’t really lost, he’d just misplaced his ability to see or find the way out. Sometimes the answer is outside of us, and we have to adjust our vision to see it. More often, the answer is inside us, and we have to be courageous enough to embrace it. This week, don’t be afraid to change a habit to allow your passion and commitment to be rekindled.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/18/12 “Effective Interviewing – Part 2”

Good day, team.

As promised, the subject of this week’s challenge is effective interviewing – part 2 — interviewing tips for the candidate.

I think it’s fair to say that interviewing for a job is an experience most people dread. None of us likes to be put on the spot to talk about ourselves, and when we interview for a job, that’s exactly what happens. Many candidates go into an interview filled with fear and loathing, which is not a great way to start. For one thing, it’s impossible to know what to expect because the person interviewing you could take any number of approaches. That’s why it’s best to be prepared and have a good idea of how you’d like to present yourself.

The following suggestions come from feedback given to and from both interviewers (hiring managers) and the interviewees (candidates). I gleaned these tips over many years while working as a recruiter helping companies find the best candidates. Lots of excellent interviewing techniques also can be found on the Internet, http://www.helpguide.org/life/interviewing_techniques_tips_getting_job.htm and I suggest you do some reading before an interview.

Do your research. The most prepared candidates have a much better chance of getting the job. Read up on the company in advance. Find out everything you can about the organization’s financials, product lines, values, executive management team, board of directors, employee experiences, etc. Websites such as LinkedIn can offer good information about the person interviewing you, such as where he or she has worked before, where they went to school, and who they are connected to.

The best interviews start with a strong connection. That invisible thing we call “chemistry” often has the strongest affect on how an interview goes. If you can make a strong emotional connection within the first five minutes of an interview, there’s a better chance that the rest of the interview will go well. Of course, chemistry can’t be determined in advance — you either have it with another person or you don’t. Still, it’s always a good idea to be yourself and try to make a connection right in the beginning.

Allow for small talk. The first three to five minutes of any interview are generally filled with small talk. It’s the chatter we do when we’re initially checking each other out. We make comments about the weather or the adventure we had trying to find the office or how busy we have been leading up to the interview. This small talk gives us a chance to connect when we first arrive, and these first few minutes are very important. Not only do they give the hiring manager his or her first view of you as a human being, but they also give you the chance to get settled in your seat, take a deep breath, and observe what’s around you. Is the interviewer’s desktop filled with papers? Does it look disorganized? Or is it neat as a pin? Is there dust on the furniture? Are there pictures of family members nearby? What’s on the walls? All of these things will tell you something about the person interviewing you. People like to talk about things they can relate to. Observing your interviewer’s environment gives you immediate indications of relevant subjects you can address during the interview, if the need arises.

Come prepared to be proactive in the interview. As a recruiter, I often heard hiring managers complain to me that the candidate seemed to be waiting for them to do all the work in an interview. “They never really asked me any good questions, and they just seemed to sit there waiting for me to ask the next question. Frankly, I couldn’t figure out what made them passionate or why they would want to do this job.” These complaints stem from candidates who don’t take an active role in the interview. Don’t be afraid to ask for more specifics about the job. Ask what the hiring manager’s biggest challenges have been in the past six months. Find out if there was someone in this job previously and ask what made him or her successful. Ask what he or she could have done differently to be more successful in the job.

Don’t be afraid to show your passion. “It’s not the steak that sells, it’s the sizzle.” Whoever said this understood that it’s the sizzle we experience that encourages us to buy. Whether you’re selling brown sugar water, better known as “Coke,” or selling yourself, nothing grabs attention like an impassioned experience or story. If you can get excited talking about how you’d do the job, you’ll get the interviewer excited about you. And don’t be afraid to tell the interviewer that you want the job. If you feel like this is the one, show it and say it. Enthusiasm sells!

Get the job by doing it in the interview. I’ll never forget the feedback I received from a chief financial officer who was interviewing four of my candidates for a controller position at his company. Three out of the four had excellent backgrounds for the job. The first two candidates had been assistant controllers previously for companies in a similar business, and the third had worked for the same public accounting firm the CFO had worked for and had come highly recommended by one of the firm’s partners, who was the CFO’s good friend. The fourth candidate was the weakest on paper, and the CFO came close to not interviewing him at all. But I encouraged him to do so because the fourth candidate was probably the hungriest for the job. And hungry candidates often go into jobs with the most commitment and drive.

After interviewing all the candidates, the CFO came back to me with his feedback and decision. He admitted that after interviewing the first three candidates, the public accounting candidate, who was recommended by his friend, was the top candidate. As he said, “I’ll know what I’m getting if I hire him, and that’s worth a lot to me.” But when the fourth candidate came in, he soon became the chosen candidate even though he had the least experience. This candidate proactively asked the CFO how he wanted to change things in the next six months to help make the finance and accounting departments more effective. When the CFO shared some of his thoughts, the candidate then started making recommendations and brainstorming on the spot. “I felt like he was already working for me, and he was making some great, practical suggestions that I could envision us doing to make things better. I almost told him to put a detailed plan in front of me by next month so we could start implementing the changes until I realized that I hadn’t actually hired him yet!”

Know you’re in a position of strength. Over the years, I’ve seen lots of hiring managers use job interviews as a way of intimidating candidates. Hiring managers often assume that candidates are only going to tell them good things about themselves, so they think they have to trick the candidates into revealing their hidden weaknesses. This approach makes candidates feel weak and defensive. The irony of this situation is that it’s actually the hiring managers who are in the weakest position. They have the opening and not enough people to get the work done. They have the problem, and you could be the solution. Most candidates who have made it to an interview have the upper hand because they have many of the skills that the hiring manager needs to solve the problem. So go into the interview with confidence.

Don’t brag, but don’t be afraid to crow. No one likes to hear anyone brag about what they’ve done, but talking about your achievements is appreciated. The best way for an interviewer to learn more about your achievements is for you to describe them. Your tone of voice and facial expressions will say it all. When we’re proud of what we’ve done, we tend to light up when we talk about it, and that level of inspiration is often what makes the difference between a memorable candidate and a ho-hum candidate. Once you’ve done it a few times, your fear of crowing about yourself will diminish and you’ll get over the fear of speaking about your accomplishments in a positive way.

Most important, be present. Don’t forget that we make the greatest impression on others when we can be present with them. People love when they receive another person’s undivided attention. It shows respect and demonstrates your ability to actively listen. Nothing is more disturbing to an interviewer than realizing that a candidate isn’t listening or didn’t hear a question because he or she was thinking about something else. And if you try to answer what you think you were asked but get it wrong, you may end up looking pretty foolish. Being present in an interview means releasing what you thought might happen so that you can experience what actually is happening.

I hope these suggested interview techniques will help those of you out there who are experiencing the fear and loathing of job interviews. It’s a daunting process, but with a brave heart, some good advance preparation and the ability to put some of these suggestions to work during an interview, you might just land that next exciting job.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/11/12 “Effective Interviewing – Part 1”

Good day team,

I’m happy to see that organizations are hiring again and hear about renewed interest in interview techniques. This week and next, I’ll be writing about good interview techniques – this week from the perspective of the employer and next week, from the perspective of the applicant.

First things first – a big part of what results in a good interview depends on how well the hiring manager has articulated the responsibilities and qualifications. Many companies write their job ads using a general view of the skills they want for the job, rather than specifics, e.g.. “Selected candidate will have strong financial analysis  skills” vs. “We require 3 to 5 years of financial analysis with strong business acumen, analytical, problem solving and quantitative analysis skills demonstrated in previous work experience.”

All good job descriptions make a clear distinction between the job responsibilities and the qualifications for the job. If you write, “we’re looking for someone who can thrive in a fast paced environment and communicates well” and you put that under the job responsibilities, you’ve gotten it wrong. Job responsibilities are the specifics of what you want them to do on the job. Qualifications are the specific things they’ve done in the past that qualify them for the job. For example, under the responsibilities heading – “Job responsibilities include communicating effectively in a fast paced environment across many levels of the organization”. And under the qualifications heading – “Advanced communication skills both verbally and in writing are mandatory, with demonstrated ability to work effectively in a fast paced environment with all internal and external customers.”

Most employers don’t include behaviors in their job ads. And yet, behavioral interviewing is highly effective. Specifying up-front what kind of behavior works well within your culture is a smart thing to do. If your company has a values-based culture, that is, a culture that focuses on what’s foundationally important to the company’s mission and the people who are part of it, then state that. For example, Zappos, a company with a very strong values-based culture, points that out in the first sentence of every job they post by saying, “Live the Zappos values and WOW co-workers at all levels, in all departments, customers, and vendors.” Their values are clearly defined. Zappos looks to hire people whose personal values are similar to the company’s and will, therefore, fit well within the Zappos culture. If you read Zappos values, they clearly state the employee behaviors that support those values: http://about.zappos.com/jobs/why-work-zappos/core-values

Once you’ve posted the job and selected some good candidates to interview, how do you conduct behavioral interviews? Resumes can tell us what the person has done and a little bit about how they do it. But, how do we discover what really motivates someone? What do they do on the job that gives them energy? What do they avoid? What happens to their behavior when they’re under pressure? How would others describe what it’s like to work with them? Knowing the answers to these questions is essential to making good hiring decisions.

Here are some examples good behavioral interview questions from an article entitled, “Behavioral Interviews: Use a Behavioral Interview to Select the Best”, by Susan Heathfield (this is for a sales job):
Tell me about a time when you obtained a new customer through networking activities.
Give me an example of a time when you acquired a customer through cold calling and prospecting. How did you approach the customer?
What are your three most important work-related values? Then, please provide an example of a situation in which you demonstrated each value at work.
Think of a customer relationship you have maintained for multiple years. Please tell me how you have nurtured that relationship.
Assume that your manufacturing facility shipped the wrong order to one of your important customers. Describe how you solved this problem both internally and externally.
If you are hired as our sales representative, you may see the need to change the organization of the department. How have you approached such situations in the past?
Give me an example of a time when your integrity was tested and yet prevailed in a selling situation.
And, here are some of my favorite questions to get to the heart of matter:
What excites you most about your job? What are you doing that gives you energy and what do you do that takes a energy away from you? What do you avoid doing?
How have you re-engaged in the past when you’ve felt that your commitment was waning on the job?
What are you most proud of achieving in your last job?
With answers to these behavioral questions, you can compare your candidates based upon how they get the job done and how they performed in real-life situations.
Most of the difficulties we have with our fellow team members are not based on competency issues. Those are relatively easy to fix – often just a matter of teaching them new skills. The real problems arise around their commitment to the job, how they feel about their fellow team members, and how deeply they believe in the company. If they’re not actively engaged, then no matter how competent they are, they will have a negative impact on the rest of the team. On the other hand, team members who are completely on-board and committed to supporting their team will gladly acquire the skills they need to be successful.
The best question I ever received in a job interview was:
“Kathleen, what strengths do you have that would be enhanced by this job and what makes you uniquely qualified to do it?”
I realized, when asked this question, that I’d never thought about how the job would enhance me. I always thought about how I would enhance the organization. By turning it around, the hiring manager encouraged me to talk about how well I knew myself, what worked and didn’t work in a job for me, and what I was most passionate about. In one question he exposed my level of self-awareness, my strengths and qualifications, and what kept me engaged.
I discovered later that part of the reason I got the job was that the other candidates didn’t answer his specific question because they weren’t listening. Their answers focused on what they would do to enhance the job, not how the job would enhance them.
This brings me to the most important thing you can do in conducting successful interviews – listen. Hear every thing the candidate says and note what they’re not saying. Watch them carefully, body language speaks volumes. If you’re conducting a phone interview, listen carefully for changes in tone of voice. If they start speaking faster and seem more animated, you’ve touched on something that has gotten them excited. If they stumble over their words, you’ve hit a spot where they’re not too sure of what they think. Don’t be afraid to explore those less scripted places. That’s often where you’ll discover the real person.

At the next opportunity, try using some of these interview suggestions and job description writing techniques. Don’t forget to ask your human resource professionals for help. They can be an excellent resource when it comes to writing effective job ads and improving interview techniques. A good HR person will also be very clear about what you can say in an interview and what you can’t. Always ask if you’re unsure. Employment law protects individuals from discrimination in the interview and hiring process and is very specific about questions you must not ask.
Think about your culture and what’s most important to your company. Find ways to describe what’s unique about it and don’t be afraid to let people know it’s ‘who’ you are as an organization. You’ll make better hiring decisions and save yourself many hours during the candidate screening process if you articulate up front exactly what types of experience you’re looking for and what behaviors fit well within your organization.

Have a good week!

Kathleen
© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/4/12 “Something Borrowed”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about something borrowed. To explain, I’ll start with the description of an experience I had this past week.

Early Wednesday morning, I was at the airport waiting for a flight to San Jose for two days of meetings with a client. I was sipping my coffee and checking e-mail, trying to get a few things done before I had to get on the plane. Suddenly, I realized that all three of the diamonds in my engagement ring were gone. My heart immediately started racing. “This can’t be,” I thought. But, sure enough, they were gone. I was devastated.

I started looking around frantically. But they could have been anywhere — at home, in the car, in my briefcase, in the ladies room, anywhere in the airport. I called my husband. He was very reassuring. “Don’t worry, honey. That’s what we have insurance for. I’ll look around, but if we don’t find them, we can replace them.” That may be, I thought, but the one in the middle of that setting was the one he gave me 10 years ago when he asked me to marry him. That’s not replaceable!

I had 30 minutes until my flight was scheduled to leave. I needed to do whatever I could to find them. In my mind, I retraced my steps. Luckily, my practice of trying to be present in each moment came in handy. If you don’t pay attention to where you are, you won’t remember where you’ve been. Fortunately, I remembered many details about my morning. I went back to the security area, even though I knew the odds that I’d find the diamonds were slim to none.

It was an extremely busy morning at PDX. People were making their way through security, emerging on the other side of guards and X-ray scanners — shoeless, jacketless, beltless — fumbling around, trying to put all their stuff back in their bags. I approached one of the guards and asked whom I could talk to about something I’d lost. He pointed me in the direction of a large circular desk. A number of TSA officials were at this desk trying to deal with all kinds of issues: weird looking bottles of stuff, people who wouldn’t cooperate, a child who had run through security just for fun, etc. It was complete chaos.

I got a guard’s attention. “Excuse me, sir, but I’ve lost three diamonds out of my engagement ring. Can I go back to the line I came though and look for them?” He looked at me as if I was completely mad. “Nope, you can’t do that. Are you sure you lost them here?” He was right. I was crazy to think I could find them. Completely discouraged, I turned to walk away, but then another TSA employee reached out to me. “Draw me a picture of them and fill out this form. We’ll contact you if we find them. If you can remember what line you came through, I’ll go look around now.” I looked in her eyes and could tell that she understood what the situation meant to me. Ironically, she looked just like my Aunt Flo (my favorite aunt and godmother) — but in a pantsuit and with a badge. I thanked her, and as she went off to search, I continued to look around as well. Her kindness gave me a little bit of hope.

A few minutes went by, and I saw her walking toward me. The look on her face said it all: She didn’t find them. In that moment, I remembered something my meditation teacher told us at my silent retreat last November. “We actually don’t own anything,” he said. “Everything is on loan to us. Even if we have it for a lifetime, when we die, it goes to someone else or it expires in its own time.” In that moment, I tried to remember his words. The diamonds were on loan to me, I said to myself, and now they will be on loan to someone else. It’s the way of things. I simply borrowed those diamonds for a period of time. Still, I had to work to keep the tears from spilling down my cheeks.

I was so grateful to the TSA worker for looking, even though I knew she had come back empty handed. In that moment, without a word, she held out her right hand to me and opened it. There, in the palm of her hand, were three beautiful diamonds. I burst into tears and grabbed her. “Thank you so much,” I blubbered through tears of joy. “I won’t forget you.”

My day was different after that. The idea that we don’t actually own anything, that everything is borrowed from what already exists, resonated through all my experiences. Was this my suitcase I was carrying or just one that I borrowed along the way to use on this business trip? What if my suitcase got lost along with all of its contents? Somewhere, someone would find it, and maybe they’d turn it into lost and found at the airline desk or maybe they would keep it for themselves. In any case, it would have gone from me to them, and at some point, it would end up in someone else’s closet or stay in the lost and found at the airport unclaimed. It might even end up at Goodwill or some landfill to be discovered by someone who doesn’t have much stuff. Then he or she would borrow it for a while until it went to someone else or fell apart and went back into the earth.

There’s no doubt that the potential loss I experienced had more of an impact on me because of the emotional attachment I have to that one diamond. Does that make it any different than any other diamond that exists? In fact, no, but in principle, yes. I can see that it’s not really about the object itself but rather about what it means to me. The more it means to me the more ownership I feel, and the idea that it’s borrowed for a time is much harder to accept.

This week, consider what you own and whether or not it actually belongs to you. Do you own your home or are you just borrowing it for a period of time until someone else buys it and moves in? Are your team members with you forever or are they just on loan until they move on to another job? What would it mean if you lost your most prized possession? Would it be the end of your life? Or could you accept that it had simply been removed from your life and possibly given to someone else? Once we realize that everything is only ours for a relatively short time — whether it be for a few moments, a few years or a lifetime — it becomes easier to appreciate it more.

This week, I will send the diamonds off to a good friend who’s a jeweler, and she will make me a new ring. Maybe they’ll disappear along the way, or perhaps the ring will be returned to me with a new setting that I can enjoy for many years to come. If that’s the case, I hope I can remember that I am just borrowing them for a while, and for however long they’re in my possession, I will try to appreciate them as much as possible.

Life is like that. It’s borrowed from a much larger existence only to be lived for the short time that we claim it. Appreciate it while you have it for it can all be gone in a moment.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

2/26/17 “Dogs and Trust”

Good day, team.

Yesterday, I learned that our good friends Bennett and Andy lost their dog Aspen to pneumonia. Their wonderful golden retriever finally succumbed to poor health after fighting off lymphoma for a year.

Aspen was just one of those dogs. When she approached, you just had to pet her. There was something about the way that dog was able to make loving eye contact with you that drew you into a strong, intimate connection. At the same time, Aspen had that playful puppy-like energy that always made you want to run out into the field with her to throw sticks. Nature and travel author Edward Hoagland once wrote, “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” In reading this, I realized that with all the dogs I’ve ever had, I was happiest with them when I allowed myself to become a lot more like them.

In thinking of Aspen, I am reminded of the trust equation. I often use this equation with my clients to help them understand what it means to trust others. Here’s the equation:

Trust = reliability + competency + intimacy
self-orientation

So, what does this means? When we begin a relationship with someone, we generally want to know whether he or she is reliable. If we’re meeting someone for the first time at 2 p.m., does she show up? If she’s late, does she call you to let you know she’ll be late? If she doesn’t show up, that’s usually an indication that she can’t be trusted.

Once we verify that someone is reliable, we look to determine whether he or she is competent. Can she actually do what she says she can do? Does she hold up her end of the relationship? Finally, if we determine that she is competent, then over time and with experience, we begin to develop a more intimate relationship with her. That is, we know she has our backs when things get tough. We can rely on her to tell us the truth, no matter how painful it is. And, most important, we know she cares about us and will always try to consider us when doing things that impact us both.

Intimacy is the bond that creates loyalty and a safe place for people to interact. It’s often the difference between a good team and a great team. A good team has players that are reliable and competent but not necessarily intimate. Great teams always have that intimate connection, and the players are always there for each other, no matter what.

All of these qualities are divided by self-orientation when it comes to trusting others. No matter how reliable or competent we are or even how intimate we are able to be with others, if our partners think we’re only engaging with them for our own benefit, they won’t trust us. Conversely, someone may be unreliable at times or not competent, or even struggle with intimacy, but if we know they’re in this for the benefit of us both, we will continue to try to trust them. If we know that our hearts are committed for all of us to succeed, then trust can build within the team.

So, what does Aspen have to do with this? My observation is that most dogs are a great example of the trust equation. Because of their capacity for unconditional love and adoration, we find their self-orientation to be very low and their loyalty extremely high. Perhaps it’s in their DNA to consider what’s most important for the pack and, in particular, for the leader of the pack. That level of devotion is something dogs exhibit to us daily, and it reminds us of how valuable they are in our lives. They may not always be the most reliable, and we may even question their competency when it comes to what we expect of them as dogs, but there’s never any question about their orientation. They love us, no matter what.

A client of mine once said, “Well, I travel a lot for business, and it’s always interesting to come home after a trip and see who’s most happy to see me. As soon as I drive up, our dog Max jumps up on the car door, hell-bent on getting to me as fast as he can. And when I open the door, he’s in my face, all fur and paws and tongue, just completely ecstatic to see me. Once I fend him off, he follows me faithfully as I go into the kitchen to say ‘Hi’ to my wife who’s making dinner and is on the phone. She gives me a slight nod, allows me to kiss her cheek and continues on with her phone call. As Max and I walk into the living room, my kids are watching TV. I give them a hearty ‘Hello,’ and they briefly glance at me and say, ‘Oh, hi Dad,’ and then their full attention is back to the TV. When I finally make it to the bedroom to unpack, there’s Max still right there with me, giving me his full attention and love. There’s never any doubt in my mind about Max’s love and devotion to me. But sometimes I wonder about the rest of the family!”

All the great dogs I’ve known over the past few years — Aspen, Yuba, Bodhi, Molly, Kiwi, Louis, Bruno, Astro, Ashley and Oso — have enriched my life. When I think of them, I realize how they’ve inspired me to unconditionally love others and to not be afraid to trust people.

This week, in memory of Aspen and all great dogs in the world, think of how they love and trust us unconditionally. Consider how much you can gain by trusting others. Do you only trust people when you benefit from something they do for you? Or do you trust them unconditionally because they’re also human? Are you willing to forgive your friends or teammates their momentary foibles or poor behavior because you know we’re all subject to these things and it’s not a good representation of what’s most important about us? How willing are you to be vulnerable with others and allow them to care for you?

Try allowing your natural tendency to love and trust others to emerge. If you have a dog, watch how he or she does it. We can all learn lessons about unconditional love from our canine friends. As the saying goes, “The more people I meet the more I like my dog.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team.

Yesterday, I learned that our good friends Bennett and Andy lost their dog Aspen to pneumonia. Their wonderful golden retriever finally succumbed to poor health after fighting off lymphoma for a year.

Aspen was just one of those dogs. When she approached, you just had to pet her. There was something about the way that dog was able to make loving eye contact with you that drew you into a strong, intimate connection. At the same time, Aspen had that playful puppy-like energy that always made you want to run out into the field with her to throw sticks. Nature and travel author Edward Hoagland once wrote, “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” In reading this, I realized that with all the dogs I’ve ever had, I was happiest with them when I allowed myself to become a lot more like them.

In thinking of Aspen, I am reminded of the trust equation. I often use this equation with my clients to help them understand what it means to trust others. Here’s the equation:

Trust = reliability + competency + intimacy
self-orientation

So, what does this means? When we begin a relationship with someone, we generally want to know whether he or she is reliable. If we’re meeting someone for the first time at 2 p.m., does she show up? If she’s late, does she call you to let you know she’ll be late? If she doesn’t show up, that’s usually an indication that she can’t be trusted.

Once we verify that someone is reliable, we look to determine whether he or she is competent. Can she actually do what she says she can do? Does she hold up her end of the relationship? Finally, if we determine that she is competent, then over time and with experience, we begin to develop a more intimate relationship with her. That is, we know she has our backs when things get tough. We can rely on her to tell us the truth, no matter how painful it is. And, most important, we know she cares about us and will always try to consider us when doing things that impact us both.

Intimacy is the bond that creates loyalty and a safe place for people to interact. It’s often the difference between a good team and a great team. A good team has players that are reliable and competent but not necessarily intimate. Great teams always have that intimate connection, and the players are always there for each other, no matter what.

All of these qualities are divided by self-orientation when it comes to trusting others. No matter how reliable or competent we are or even how intimate we are able to be with others, if our partners think we’re only engaging with them for our own benefit, they won’t trust us. Conversely, someone may be unreliable at times or not competent, or even struggle with intimacy, but if we know they’re in this for the benefit of us both, we will continue to try to trust them. If we know that our hearts are committed for all of us to succeed, then trust can build within the team.

So, what does Aspen have to do with this? My observation is that most dogs are a great example of the trust equation. Because of their capacity for unconditional love and adoration, we find their self-orientation to be very low and their loyalty extremely high. Perhaps it’s in their DNA to consider what’s most important for the pack and, in particular, for the leader of the pack. That level of devotion is something dogs exhibit to us daily, and it reminds us of how valuable they are in our lives. They may not always be the most reliable, and we may even question their competency when it comes to what we expect of them as dogs, but there’s never any question about their orientation. They love us, no matter what.

A client of mine once said, “Well, I travel a lot for business, and it’s always interesting to come home after a trip and see who’s most happy to see me. As soon as I drive up, our dog Max jumps up on the car door, hell-bent on getting to me as fast as he can. And when I open the door, he’s in my face, all fur and paws and tongue, just completely ecstatic to see me. Once I fend him off, he follows me faithfully as I go into the kitchen to say ‘Hi’ to my wife who’s making dinner and is on the phone. She gives me a slight nod, allows me to kiss her cheek and continues on with her phone call. As Max and I walk into the living room, my kids are watching TV. I give them a hearty ‘Hello,’ and they briefly glance at me and say, ‘Oh, hi Dad,’ and then their full attention is back to the TV. When I finally make it to the bedroom to unpack, there’s Max still right there with me, giving me his full attention and love. There’s never any doubt in my mind about Max’s love and devotion to me. But sometimes I wonder about the rest of the family!”

All the great dogs I’ve known over the past few years — Aspen, Yuba, Bodhi, Molly, Kiwi, Louis, Bruno, Astro, Ashley and Oso — have enriched my life. When I think of them, I realize how they’ve inspired me to unconditionally love others and to not be afraid to trust people.

This week, in memory of Aspen and all great dogs in the world, think of how they love and trust us unconditionally. Consider how much you can gain by trusting others. Do you only trust people when you benefit from something they do for you? Or do you trust them unconditionally because they’re also human? Are you willing to forgive your friends or teammates their momentary foibles or poor behavior because you know we’re all subject to these things and it’s not a good representation of what’s most important about us? How willing are you to be vulnerable with others and allow them to care for you?

Try allowing your natural tendency to love and trust others to emerge. If you have a dog, watch how he or she does it. We can all learn lessons about unconditional love from our canine friends. As the saying goes, “The more people I meet the more I like my dog.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team.

Yesterday, I learned that our good friends Bennett and Andy lost their dog Aspen to pneumonia. Their wonderful golden retriever finally succumbed to poor health after fighting off lymphoma for a year.

Aspen was just one of those dogs. When she approached, you just had to pet her. There was something about the way that dog was able to make loving eye contact with you that drew you into a strong, intimate connection. At the same time, Aspen had that playful puppy-like energy that always made you want to run out into the field with her to throw sticks. Nature and travel author Edward Hoagland once wrote, “In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely try to train him to be semi human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.” In reading this, I realized that with all the dogs I’ve ever had, I was happiest with them when I allowed myself to become a lot more like them.

In thinking of Aspen, I am reminded of the trust equation. I often use this equation with my clients to help them understand what it means to trust others. Here’s the equation:

Trust = reliability + competency + intimacy

self-orientation

So, what does this means? When we begin a relationship with someone, we generally want to know whether he or she is reliable. If we’re meeting someone for the first time at 2 p.m., does she show up? If she’s late, does she call you to let you know she’ll be late? If she doesn’t show up, that’s usually an indication that she can’t be trusted.

Once we verify that someone is reliable, we look to determine whether he or she is competent. Can she actually do what she says she can do? Does she hold up her end of the relationship? Finally, if we determine that she is competent, then over time and with experience, we begin to develop a more intimate relationship with her. That is, we know she has our backs when things get tough. We can rely on her to tell us the truth, no matter how painful it is. And, most important, we know she cares about us and will always try to consider us when doing things that impact us both.

Intimacy is the bond that creates loyalty and a safe place for people to interact. It’s often the difference between a good team and a great team. A good team has players that are reliable and competent but not necessarily intimate. Great teams always have that intimate connection, and the players are always there for each other, no matter what.

All of these qualities are divided by self-orientation when it comes to trusting others. No matter how reliable or competent we are or even how intimate we are able to be with others, if our partners think we’re only engaging with them for our own benefit, they won’t trust us. Conversely, someone may be unreliable at times or not competent, or even struggle with intimacy, but if we know they’re in this for the benefit of us both, we will continue to try to trust them. If we know that our hearts are committed for all of us to succeed, then trust can build within the team.

So, what does Aspen have to do with this? My observation is that most dogs are a great example of the trust equation. Because of their capacity for unconditional love and adoration, we find their self-orientation to be very low and their loyalty extremely high. Perhaps it’s in their DNA to consider what’s most important for the pack and, in particular, for the leader of the pack. That level of devotion is something dogs exhibit to us daily, and it reminds us of how valuable they are in our lives. They may not always be the most reliable, and we may even question their competency when it comes to what we expect of them as dogs, but there’s never any question about their orientation. They love us, no matter what.

A client of mine once said, “Well, I travel a lot for business, and it’s always interesting to come home after a trip and see who’s most happy to see me. As soon as I drive up, our dog Max jumps up on the car door, hell-bent on getting to me as fast as he can. And when I open the door, he’s in my face, all fur and paws and tongue, just completely ecstatic to see me. Once I fend him off, he follows me faithfully as I go into the kitchen to say ‘Hi’ to my wife who’s making dinner and is on the phone. She gives me a slight nod, allows me to kiss her cheek and continues on with her phone call. As Max and I walk into the living room, my kids are watching TV. I give them a hearty ‘Hello,’ and they briefly glance at me and say, ‘Oh, hi Dad,’ and then their full attention is back to the TV. When I finally make it to the bedroom to unpack, there’s Max still right there with me, giving me his full attention and love. There’s never any doubt in my mind about Max’s love and devotion to me. But sometimes I wonder about the rest of the family!”

All the great dogs I’ve known over the past few years — Aspen, Yuba, Bodhi, Molly, Kiwi, Louis, Bruno, Astro, Ashley and Oso — have enriched my life. When I think of them, I realize how they’ve inspired me to unconditionally love others and to not be afraid to trust people.

This week, in memory of Aspen and all great dogs in the world, think of how they love and trust us unconditionally. Consider how much you can gain by trusting others. Do you only trust people when you benefit from something they do for you? Or do you trust them unconditionally because they’re also human? Are you willing to forgive your friends or teammates their momentary foibles or poor behavior because you know we’re all subject to these things and it’s not a good representation of what’s most important about us? How willing are you to be vulnerable with others and allow them to care for you?

Try allowing your natural tendency to love and trust others to emerge. If you have a dog, watch how he or she does it. We can all learn lessons about unconditional love from our canine friends. As the saying goes, “The more people I meet the more I like my dog.”

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Good day, team.

I’ve been reading a good book called “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, and would like to share some of it with you this week.

Plain and simple, a difficult conversation is anything you find hard to talk about. Whether at work or home, we all face the unpleasant feelings that come up when we know we need to have a difficult conversation with someone.

Here are some great examples:

Firing or laying off employees
Letting a client know that the project you bid on will be twice as expensive as your original quote
Telling a sibling or friend that they need to pay back the money you loaned
Explaining to one of your parents that he or she needs to move into an assisted living center
Describing to a team member that their behaviors are having a negative impact on the rest of the team

This list could go on and on. I’m sure you can remember the last difficult conversation you had and how it made you feel.

At the first thought of talking to the other person, we begin to feel dread and anxiety. Because of our aversion to these anxious feelings, we often talk ourselves out of having the conversation. Unfortunately, the longer we put it off, the greater the anxiety becomes. No matter how you spin it, delivering a difficult message feels like throwing a hand grenade, and as they say in the book, “There is no such thing as a diplomatic hand grenade.”

So, what’s the answer? By taking an in-depth look at what’s actually happening when we attempt to have these tough talks, we can become more aware of the opportunities that the hard conversations can create for all parties involved.

The book presents the idea that each difficult conversation is actually three conversations: What happened? What are we feeling? How are we identifying with this situation?

What Happened – the facts
Most difficult conversations involve disagreement about what has happened or what should happen. For example, a client thought a project was going to be completed within a certain timeframe and now it is well beyond the set deadline. The consultant says she informed the client that the deadline would have to be pushed out since project requirements had changed.

The truth is, these difficult conversations are not really about getting the facts right. According to the book’s authors, “They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations and values. They are not about what a contract says but about what a contract means.”

Instead of arguing about what happened, the trick is to get to the real intention of a conversation. And the real intention (How can we move forward and get this project completed?) can remain invisible unless it is stated up front. Because we all act with mixed intentions from time to time, it can be difficult to understand what our intentions are, let alone express them. Taking some time to clarify our intentions before we start a difficult conversation is one way to mitigate the anxiety. Expressing your intention up front shows your listener that no matter how confusing the facts are, your intention is still the same. And, most important, you can avoid the blame that often results from making negative assumptions about the other person’s intentions.

Feelings
Every difficult conversation asks and answers questions about feelings. “Engaging in a difficult conversation without talking about feelings is like staging an opera without music,” write Stone, Patton and Heen. They advise us to share our feelings in difficult conversations. If you’re under pressure to meet a deadline and it is making you feel stress, say so. If you’re having anxiety about discussing the challenging situation, name it. The other person will feel your anxiety anyway, and owning what’s happening to you in the moment will let the listener know that this message is as hard for you to deliver as it may be for him or her to hear it.

Hurt feelings are often at the heart of anxiety in a tough exchange with someone, and not speaking about them is a way of avoiding the real issue. Of course, sometimes we need to let sleeping dogs lie to not exacerbate a situation. More often than not, however, honesty about what’s happening to us in the moment and describing our feelings with clarity and sincerity is always a good practice.

Identity
For every difficult conversation, we have an internal debate with ourselves about what the situation means to us. For example, the client maybe be asking herself, “What did I do wrong here? I thought we were on the same page in terms of how this project would go. Did I not manage it correctly? How will my boss feel about my hiring him to do this in the first place?”

It’s likely that the contsultant is having his own internal dialogue stemming from their own identifications with the situation: “I’m responsible for getting this project done, and I’ve totally disappointed my client. I can’t afford to have him see me this way.”

If we weren’t having this internal dialogue, it’s unlikely that the conversation would be so difficult. That’s because we’ve identified with the situation and the stakes have been elevated with a challenge. We may begin to ask ourselves deep questions about who we are and what we are doing.

Try asking for a raise. Many questions start to come up as we attempt to put our identity on the line: “Will my boss think I’m worth it? Do I think I’m worth it? What happens if I get turned down?” No one likes to blow their own horn because we don’t want to seem self-centered. The irony is that it’s just as self-centered to focus our inner thoughts on what people think about us as it is to act from conceit. The focus is still all about us and the real message — the facts about our achievements — never gets delivered.

Your challenge
This week, spend some time thinking about the three aspects of difficult conversations. Spend time identifying your intention before you even start the conversation. What’s the result you’re trying to achieve? Don’t be afraid to express your feelings with sincerity and acknowledge that your listener is having his or her own set of feelings during the conversation. Try not to project your inner dialogue into the conversation. Understand the difference between how you see yourself delivering the message and the actual delivery by focusing on how the other person receives your message. Both identities are being challenged in the conversation so don’t be afraid to express how you see that.

As Stone, Patton and Heen advise, “Spend seven minutes and save seven hours later. The earlier you raise an issue, catch a misunderstanding or ask a question to clarify intentions, the sooner you clear it up and move on. The longer you let things fester, the bigger the problem becomes.” So, invest a few minutes and be skillful in delivering your message to save you and everyone in your organization time, money and a tremendous amount of frustration.

Have a good week!
Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

2/5/12 “Importance of Culture”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge comes from a Fast Company article sent to me by a client. The complete article, “Culture Eats Strategy for Lunch” by Shawn Parr, can be found here.

The heart of the piece is about the importance of creating a vibrant company culture that everyone from your CEO down can contribute to and relate to in their daily work lives. Parr writes, “It’s not good enough just to have an amazing product and a healthy bank balance. Long-term success is dependent on a culture that is nurtured and alive. Culture is the environment in which your strategy and your brand thrives or dies a slow death.”

Last week, I had the privilege of working in a two-day summit meeting with a client’s technology team. We spent some time discussing the team’s shared values by first identifying each team member’s individual values (What are the five most important things in your life?), sharing those individual values, translating how they show up in the workplace and, finally, defining the behaviors that best illustrate those values. It sounds like a long, painstaking process, but this exercise of relating core personal values to workplace behaviors is far better than having the corporation post values in the lobby that no one pays any attention to.

Doing this exercise allowed the team to discover that their values are much more similar than different, which means that even when they strongly disagree, they have a way to remind each other of where they do agree. It allows a shared, foundational understanding to become part of difficult discussions, which can then neutralize an argument.

Embracing core values is only one aspect of creating a vibrant corporate culture. The following excerpt from Parr’s article shows us four more important pieces to the puzzle:

Uncommon sense for a courageous and vibrant culture

It’s easy to look at companies like Stonyfield Farms, Zappos, Google, Virgin, Whole Foods or Southwest Airlines and admire them for their passionate, engaged and active cultures that are on display for the world to see. Building a strong culture takes hard work and true commitment, and while not something you can tick off in boxes, here are some very basic building blocks to consider:

1. Dynamic and engaged leadership
A vibrant culture is organic and evolving. It is fueled and inspired by leadership that is actively involved and informed about the realities of the business. They genuinely care about the company’s role in the world and are passionately engaged. They are great communicators and motivators who set out a clearly communicated vision, mission, values and goals, and create an environment for them to come alive.

2. Living values
It’s one thing to have beliefs and values spelled out in a frame in the conference room. It’s another thing to have genuine and memorable beliefs that are directional, alive and modeled throughout the organization daily. It’s important that departments and individuals are motivated and measured against the way they model the values. And, if you want a values-driven culture, hire people using the values as a filter. If you want your company to embody the culture, empower people and ensure that every department understands what’s expected. Don’t just list your company’s values in PowerPoint; bring them to life in people, products and spaces, at events, and in communication.

3. Responsibility and accountability
Strong cultures empower their people. They recognize their talents and give them a very clear role with responsibilities they’re accountable for. It’s amazing how basic this is but how absent the principle is in many businesses.

4. Celebrate success and failure
Most companies that run at high speed often forget to celebrate their victories both big and small, and they rarely have time or the humility to acknowledge and learn from their failures. Celebrate both your victories and failures in your own unique way, but share them and share them often.

***

This week, take a look at your organization’s culture. Would you call it vibrant? Do your customers know what you stand for? Are your employees actively involved, engaged and empowered? If not, what can you do to influence your team and your company to create a culture that everyone is proud to belong to and where he or she wants to succeed?

As Parr reminds us, “A strong culture flourishes with a clear set of values and norms that actively guide the way a company operates. Employees are actively and passionately engaged in the business, operating from a sense of confidence and empowerment rather than navigating their days through miserably extensive procedures and mind-numbing bureaucracy. Performance-oriented cultures possess statistically better financial growth, with high employee involvement, strong internal communication and an acceptance of a healthy level of risk-taking in order to achieve new levels of innovation.”

Sounds like the kind of culture I’d like to be a part of, how about you?

Have a good week!

Kathleen

P.S. The coach will be on vacation from Feb. 10–15. The next challenge will be published on Feb. 19.

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

1/29/12 “Good Questions”

Good day, team.

This past week, I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of asking good questions. I realized that learning how to ask good questions was not a part of my education. All through school, we were encouraged to come up with the right answers — but not to become experts at the process of inquiry. This sets us up in our lives to always feel compelled to have the answer — and always the right answer.

It wasn’t until I was trained to be a coach that I learned how to ask good questions. We were encouraged not to answer any questions but rather to continue to inquire even if we thought we had the answers for our clients. Through the questions, we can prompt our clients to discover more about themselves, investigate more thoroughly the circumstances they find themselves in and understand how people are influencing their lives. In fact, so much about coaching revolves around the process of inquiry that you could say the best coaches ask the most insightful and relevant questions.

Having been an executive recruiter for many years, I was accustomed to a traditional form of interviewing that asked candidates questions about their work history and experience. I received lots of information about what they had done and how they did it. What I didn’t get enough of was a good understanding of who the person was. Back then, we didn’t ask a lot of ‘who’ questions like, what did he or she value most and want to see reflected in the values of an organization? What was the person most proud of in his or her life — not just in terms of work — and what would he or she never be willing to give up? Where did he or she tend to self-sabotage? How well did the candidate know themselves? How would a close friend or associate describe the character of the candidate?

Here’s a great example of a “who” question and answer. A good friend of mine named Ben was interviewing for a position to do something he hadn’t done before. He had some of the skills from a previous profession, but he would require much technical training if he got this new job. It would require a good-sized investment on the part of the organization if he were hired. He knew it would be a stretch for them to select him over other candidates who had just the right background for the job.

Toward the end of the interview, the hiring manager asked Ben, “What are you most proud of accomplishing in your life?” After a brief hesitation, Ben replied, “Staying married for the past 25 years.” The hiring manager chuckled, “I know exactly what you mean,” he said. “It’s a real challenge and commitment to stick with it through thick and thin.” It was at that point that the real connection was made between Ben and the hiring manager. By answering the question truthfully and sincerely, Ben revealed much more about who he was and what was important to him. He got the job and continued to have an open and genuine relationship with his new boss.

Asking good questions of others is one part of this challenge; the other is to be willing to ask yourself more questions. I think our fear of self-discovery comes from living in a world where outward appearances are so important. The emphasis is on how you look and act for other people, and you’re not encouraged to look inward to discover more about who’s in there. It’s as though the character you play on stage is more important than who’s in the dressing room before you put on your costume.

Self-inquiry is important, and it’s often the only way I can get to what’s at the heart of a matter for myself. When I’m worried about something or have something I need to work through, I often ask myself “why” to get to the deeper matter at hand. Here’s an example of some recent self dialogue:

— I’m afraid to have that difficult conversation with that person.

— Why?

— Because it will make me feel nervous and anxious.

— Why?

— Because when I think about the reaction that person will have, it makes me cringe and feel extremely uncomfortable.

— Why?

— Because I don’t want her to think I’m judging her, and I don’t want her to think badly of me.

— Why?

— Because I worry about what she will think of me.

__Why?

— Because I’m not very confident about my relationship with her.

— Why?

— Because I don’t trust she’ll see that I have the best of intentions toward her.

— Why?

— Because she doesn’t trust me.

— Why?

— Because she has trouble trusting people.

And so on.

I first heard about the “why” exercise when I read that Sony Corp. used this as a practice to help employees get to the real reasons behind why they should or shouldn’t do something or explore ideas and strategies on a deeper level. Whenever someone in the company made an emphatic statement about what should be done, others were instructed to ask “why” five times so they could get to the root of the idea. I’ve used it a number of times in my own self-inquiry and with others. It always gets me closer to the truth.

This week, try asking good questions. Perhaps you already know the answer to something, but go ahead and purposefully ask your co-worker the question to hear another point of view. Maybe you decide to check in more often in your conversations with others to make sure they heard you or understand you. A simple inquiry like, “Does this make sense to you?” after you’ve made a statement can start a much more enlightening conversation about the subject. Another idea is to turn a statement into a question or reframe an opinion so it opens the door for someone else to comment. If you are uncertain about your thinking or feelings, don’t be afraid to ask yourself “why” a few times to get to what’s really going on. Or maybe just experiment with the “why” exercise for fun with some of your team members.

Asking good questions is an art. And like art, it requires practice to get better at it. As Peter Drucker, the famous business consultant said, “My greatest strength as a consultant is to be ignorant and ask a few questions.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2012 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

1/22/12 “Aha Moments”

Good day, team.

This week, I share the writing of one of my clients who, in his honesty and authenticity, describes some aha moments he had this past week. Meaning, he came to deeply understand some things we’ve been working on together for the past year. I was so taken by the sincerity of his writing that I asked him if I could share it in this week’s challenge, and he has generously given me his permission.

As a coach, you can’t be attached to whether your clients fully understand how you’re attempting to assist them. But when you clearly see something that you know will help them, you encourage them to take a path to get that clarity, and when they do, it’s the most gratifying and fulfilling experience.

I am most grateful to my client, Devin Youngman, for allowing me to share his very personal experiences this past week. Here is his e-mail to me:

Hey Kathleen,

I just wanted to follow up after our last conversation. It’s been an interesting week with a lot of new information and a bunch of aha-type moments, especially during the off-site meeting.I’m still sorting through many of my thoughts in an attempt to put them together into something coherent. This week, I learned some stuff and came to some conclusions. I’m attempting to burn through the mental fog, to see the picture clearly that is in my head and set a better course.

I’ve reached a state where I’ve gone beyond what my role here at the company is and into what I really want to be doing. This is where I’ve had most of the aha moments and what is clear to me is that I’m still figuring out what it looks like. To use one of my co-worker’s analogies, some pixels have started to come into focus, but the whole picture is not yet clear.Here are some specifics of what I discovered and a bit about the process.

During our off-site meeting, as we were discussing the various roles of the newly organized teams and how they are supposed to function, I paid close attention to my energy levels: what pulled me in and piqued my interest and where I found myself starting to zone out and lose focus. As it turned out, there were many more moments of engagement than zoning out. I noticed I lost focus when I began thinking about my current situation with my job responsibilities changing and how I would position myself going forward.

As soon as I detached myself from that racket in my head (which I’m still not sure how I did), I found myself getting engaged, energized and running headlong into discussions, mental juices flowing, etc.

This off-site was a lot about building process and creating teams, empowering teams, etc., and I noticed that many of the folks at the off-site had not yet experienced the process we were implementing. So, I found myself in the role of impromptu trainer for how things work currently and the obstacles that we had overcome (or still have) and giving advice on how to do things.

This was a relatively short and minor portion of the off-site sessions, but the aha moment was when I realized that one of the things I enjoy most about what I do is the coaching/mentoring/teaching aspect of my role, which made me think about what else I could add to this list.

I know you suggested something nearly identical to this previously, but what I think was missing (what I was having the most difficulty with) was the sensation or feeling of being energized by something I’m doing. Frankly, I had gotten to a stage where I had started to forget what it was like to feel that kind of energy. I think, maybe, I needed to experience something authentic again before I could go there.

Anyway, this led me to creating two lists. The first was a continuation of the things that I do (or have done) that give me energy with a few examples and the second was a list of things I do not enjoy about my current role that suck energy from me.

(I can’t help but imagine your reaction to this, as you had me do that same exercise when we first talked about energy levels and here I am doing it again months later.)

What made the difference this time was that I didn’t look at my current responsibilities as things I needed to be doing and subsequently didn’t look for ways to find energy. Instead, I looked at what I was doing in the moment at the off-site and seeing how much energy it gave me. In addition, I realized that there were certain things I had previously (either consciously or unconsciously) ignored — probably because I didn’t want to face the reality that certain activities (like tooting my own horn to people I don’t normally work with) were things I felt were necessary and expected by others.

In many ways, I suppose, I wanted to succeed at all the things other people were doing or expected me to be doing and was not ready to admit that I was never going to get energy from doing many of those things. It’s still hard to admit, but as I’m writing this, a story suddenly comes to mind that seems relevant.

When I was in fourth grade we had one of those candy bar fundraisers for the school, which had a prize for the top few sellers.With the help of my dad and all the people he worked with, I ended up winning first prize. I received a nice little cassette player for my bedroom. I was overjoyed! But the reality was that I had only personally sold maybe 20 percent of the candy bars. Dad and his co-workers had done the rest.

The following year, they did the same fundraiser, and I was gung-ho to win first prize again. The competition was much more fierce that year as the prizes were better and the rest of the class realized what they could get if they won. Consequently, that second year it was much harder to win. Also, my dad had changed to the graveyard shift and had far fewer team members so I knew there was no longer an extended team that would help me sell candy bars.

So what did I do? Well, I was damned if I wasn’t going to win that first prize again. My friends all thought I was going to win again, and I had already been imagining what it would feel like to win two years in a row. The expectations were high.

Every day after school I went house to house, until it became too dark to see (even knowing I’d get in trouble if I didn’t get home by dark) because I wanted to win. I hit every nearby neighborhood, family member, church member — some repeatedly. I didn’t go anywhere without a full box of candy bars in case I ran into someone, anyone, who would be willing to buy them.I ended up winning again that year, though I couldn’t even tell you what the prize was. What I didn’t realize until years later was that I didn’t really want to win, but rather, I simply didn’t want to fail. I had built it up in my head that I KNEW I could do it, that people expected me to do it, and therefore I HAD to do it. The prize and recognition had lost all meaning, but how could I let people see me fail? It sucked up so much of my energy and I was so relieved that it was over, I didn’t even care that I won or what the prize was — the point was I hadn’t failed and I didn’t need to sell anymore candy bars (to this day I avoid sales related jobs or tasks like the plague).

Eventually, it occurred to me the following year, that there was a loophole in the system I had created. In the first year, by using my dad and his co-workers, I hadn’t really sold all that candy. I understood that to cheat was not to play fairly. And in the second year, what really motivated me was not failing in the eyes of others. It had nothing to do with selling candy and winning a prize. Also, in the second year, I lost so much energy from the entire experience that in my sixth grade year I didn’t sell a single candy bar. Whenever someone asked me how I was doing in the competition, I just told him or her I wasn’t selling that year. I don’t remember what I said when people asked me further about that, as I’m sure they did, but I never, ever told anyone the real reason.

Anyway, I know that was a long-winded tangent (it just came out as I was typing), but my point is that the feeling is the same today as it was then. There are some aspects to what I’ve been doing in my role that suck so much energy out of me that none of the energizers can balance. I’ve let it drain me to the point of apathy and so, in some cases, I mentally decide not to play. On the other hand, the things I mentioned such as coaching, mentoring and training give me a great deal of energy and are things I truly enjoy.

So where to go from here? I’ll admit, my brain is swirling with thoughts, ideas and events from the day. Now, back at the office, I had more one-on-one meetings today than I think I’ve ever had in one day, some of which should have drained me to my core. The entire day has been very emotional, but somehow it’s given me more energy. My energy level has peaked. I mean, look at the length of this email and I still have three sheets of paper with notes on them that I was going to send you.

But you know what? I’m not going to analyze it at the moment. I think there’s something important swirling in there, and if I’ve learned anything this week, I don’t want to force it.”

Many threads in this writing could be the starting point for your challenge this week. It could be to simply observe what gives you energy in your job and what takes it away. It could be to ponder what it feels like to fail. My client has given us plenty to choose from in his sincere writing. I’m choosing the importance of the aha moments that I’ve had in the past and how they are currently helping me to better understand myself and the world around me. Whatever you choose, I hope it leads you to your own aha moment this week.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

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