Author: Kathleen Doyle-White

10/9/11 “What Matters”

Good day, team.

I try to stay away from political opinions in my coach’s challenge. There’s plenty of stuff in the media about politics, and I often tire of the endless back and forth. However, I also try to write about what speaks to me — some experience I’ve had that gives me a focus for the week, something that challenges me to understand myself more deeply or an idea that will inspire someone else.

This week’s challenge comes from something I read yesterday that has inspired me personally as well as politically. Here are a few lines within the piece that sparked my coach’s challenge for the week:

In this great struggle, here are some things that don’t matter:

*

What we wear
*

Whether we shake our fists or make peace signs
*

Whether we can fit our dreams for a better world into a media sound bite

And here are a few things that do matter:

*

Our courage
*

Our moral compass
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How we treat each other

This week’s challenge is to focus on how we treat each other. Each day, we are given the opportunity to treat others as we would like to be treated. If we can remember how much this matters to ourselves and anyone we come in contact with, I believe the world would be a better place to live.

Here’s the full of the text of the speech that I pulled this excerpt from. It’s from a courageous writer named Naomi Klein, who is most famous for her book, “The Shock Doctrine.” She gave this speech last week at Occupy Wall Street in New York City.

Yesterday, one of the speakers at the labor rally said, “We found each other.” That sentiment captures the beauty of what is being created here. A wide-open space (as well as an idea so big it can’t be contained by any space) for all the people who want a better world to find each other. We are so grateful.

If there is one thing I know, it is that the 1 percent loves a crisis. When people are panicked and desperate and no one seems to know what to do, that is the ideal time to push through their wish list of pro-corporate policies: privatizing education and social security, slashing public services, getting rid of the last constraints on corporate power. Amidst the economic crisis, this is happening the world over. And there is only one thing that can block this tactic, and fortunately, it’s a very big thing: the 99 percent. And that 99 percent is taking to the streets from Madison to Madrid to say “No. We will not pay for your crisis.”

That slogan began in Italy in 2008. It ricocheted to Greece and France and Ireland and finally it has made its way to the square mile where the crisis began. “Why are they protesting?” ask the baffled pundits on TV. Meanwhile, the rest of the world asks: “What took you so long?” “We’ve been wondering when you were going to show up.” And most of all: “Welcome.”

Many people have drawn parallels between Occupy Wall Street and the so-called anti-globalization protests that came to world attention in Seattle in 1999. That was the last time a global, youth-led, decentralized movement took direct aim at corporate power. And I am proud to have been part of what we called “the movement of movements.”

But there are important differences too. For instance, we chose summits as our targets: the World Trade Organization, the International Monetary Fund, the G8. Summits are transient by their nature, they only last a week. That made us transient too. We’d appear, grab world headlines, then disappear. And in the frenzy of hyper-patriotism and militarism that followed the 9/11 attacks, it was easy to sweep us away completely, at least in North America.

Occupy Wall Street, on the other hand, has chosen a fixed target. And you have put no end date on your presence here. This is wise. Only when you stay put can you grow roots. This is crucial. It is a fact of the information age that too many movements spring up like beautiful flowers but quickly die off. It’s because they don’t have roots. And they don’t have long-term plans for how they are going to sustain themselves. So when storms come, they get washed away. Being horizontal and deeply democratic is wonderful. But these principles are compatible with the hard work of building structures and institutions that are sturdy enough to weather the storms ahead. I have great faith that this will happen.

Something else this movement is doing right: You have committed yourselves to nonviolence. You have refused to give the media the images of broken windows and street fights it craves so desperately. And that tremendous discipline has meant that, again and again, the story has been the disgraceful and unprovoked police brutality. Which we saw more of just last night.

Meanwhile, support for this movement grows and grows. More wisdom. But the biggest difference a decade makes is that in 1999, we were taking on capitalism at the peak of a frenzied economic boom. Unemployment was low, stock portfolios were bulging. The media was drunk on easy money. Back then it was all about start-ups, not shutdowns. We pointed out that the deregulation behind the frenzy came at a price. It was damaging to labor standards. It was damaging to environmental standards. Corporations were becoming more powerful than governments and that was damaging to our democracies.

But to be honest with you, while the good times rolled, taking on an economic system based on greed was a tough sell, at least in rich countries. Ten years later, it seems as if there aren’t any more rich countries. Just a whole lot of rich people. People who got rich looting the public wealth and exhausting natural resources around the world. The point is, today everyone can see that the system is deeply unjust and careening out of control. Unfettered greed has trashed the global economy. And it is trashing the natural world as well. We are overfishing our oceans, polluting our water with fracking and deep-water drilling, turning to the dirtiest forms of energy on the planet, like the Alberta tar sands. And the atmosphere cannot absorb the amount of carbon we are putting into it, creating dangerous warming. The new normal is serial disasters: economic and ecological.

These are the facts on the ground. They are so blatant, so obvious, that it is a lot easier to connect with the public than it was in 1999, and to build the movement quickly. We all know, or at least sense, that the world is upside down: we act as if there is no end to what is actually finite — fossil fuels and the atmospheric space to absorb their emissions. And we act as if there are strict and immovable limits to what is actually bountiful — the financial resources to build the kind of society we need. The task of our time is to turn this around: to challenge this false scarcity. To insist that we can afford to build a decent, inclusive society — while at the same time, respect the real limits to what the earth can take.

What climate change means is that we have to do this on a deadline. This time our movement cannot get distracted, divided, burned out or swept away by events. This time we have to succeed. And I’m not talking about regulating the banks and increasing taxes on the rich, though that’s important. I am talking about changing the underlying values that govern our society. That is hard to fit into a single media-friendly demand, and it’s also hard to figure out how to do it. But it is no less urgent for being difficult. That is what I see happening in this square. In the way you are feeding each other, keeping each other warm, sharing information freely and providing healthcare, meditation classes and empowerment training. My favorite sign here says, “I care about you.” In a culture that trains people to avoid each other’s gaze, to say, “Let them die,” that is a deeply radical statement.

A few final thoughts. In this great struggle, here are some things that don’t matter:

*

What we wear

*

Whether we shake our fists or make peace signs
*

Whether we can fit our dreams for a better world into a media sound bite.

And here are a few things that do matter:

*

Our courage

*

Our moral compass
*

How we treat each other

We have picked a fight with the most powerful economic and political forces on the planet. That’s frightening. And as this movement grows from strength to strength, it will get more frightening. Always be aware that there will be a temptation to shift to smaller targets — like, say, the person sitting next to you at this meeting. After all, that is a battle that’s easier to win. Don’t give in to the temptation. I’m not saying don’t call each other on stuff. But this time, let’s treat each other as if we plan to work side by side in struggle for many, many years to come. Because the task before will demand nothing less. Let’s treat this beautiful movement as if it is most important thing in the world. Because it is. It really is.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

10/2/11 “Competition”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about competition. First, let me share a recent experience. A few weeks ago, I learned that Missoni, a famous, high-end Italian design house, would put a limited release of clothing and household items into Target stores. Some smart marketing person at Target came up with the bright idea that if you could convince high-end designers to create an exclusive line just for Target, at low Target prices, their stuff would sell like hot cakes and it would broaden their brand recognition across a more diverse customer base. Knowing

For example, typical Missoni dresses sell for $800 to $2,500. At Target, a dress of the same style in a somewhat inferior fabric would sell for $60. Now, that’s what I call a bargain! Knowing how much I admired Missoni’s clothes and that a good friend of mine was also a fan, I marked my calender for the day of the sale.

So at 7:30 a.m. on the morning of September 13, I drove to a Target that I deemed less popular than others and joined the 10-person line forming at the door. “Hey, this is good,” I thought. “I can compete against 10 other people.”

Securing my fanny pack (you have to have your arms and hands free to grab the goods) stuffed with credit cards, cash and my cell phone, in case my good friend called with a last minute request, I anxiously waited for the doors to open. I began to notice that we were all jockeying for position. People were inching up toward the doors, and occasionally, a more aggressive participant would nudge someone. As the minutes ticked by, our anticipation grew, and the tension was palpable. I have to admit, I was becoming anxious myself. My heart rate increased, and I could feel the competitive urges in me growing.

Finally, the doors opened. The first person in line, a very tall, domineering woman, ran inside and went up to the first rack of Missoni clothing. She opened her arms wide, grabbed both ends of an entire rack of clothes, lifted everything up in one fell swoop and threw it all into her cart. The game was on — it was every woman for herself! I soon realized that looking for the right size or style was not possible. I joined in the frenzy, throwing anything I could grab into my cart before running to the next Missoni display. Pity the poor store clerk who had just opened a box of Missoni socks and tights. Before he could set up the display, we surrounded him like locusts in a field and gobbled up the items right out of the box as if he wasn’t even there.

Seven minutes after the doors opened, nothing was left on the displays — not a sweater, skirt, blouse, shoe or sock. Every piece of merchandise was in someone’s overladen shopping cart, and as I looked around, I could see the expressions of victory and bewilderment on people’s faces. What just happened? How did we get so swept up in the insanity of competition for this stuff? It was as though we were starving and had to compete for the last few sacks of rice.

I realized I had to find a place in the store where I could go through my items and figure out which ones I actually wanted to buy. As I searched for a place to discretely make my choices, I happened upon a mother with her two teenage daughters who were doing the same. We were all embarrassed to look at each other. The past seven minutes hadn’t brought out the best in any of us, and we knew it. When I suggested that I go get an empty cart to use for our rejects, I saw relief on their faces. The opportunity to share made all of us feel better.

As we tried on various items and talked about what we’d selected, we began to laugh and joke about how crazy the competition had been. Each of us had seen a competitive side to our nature that in its determination to win had only one goal in mind: get the goods. Upon reflection, it all seemed like a crazy thing to do, particularly when you found items in your cart that were two sizes too big or something you would never wear even if someone gave it to you for free.

You could say that I accomplished my aim. I got some goods at a great price. But as I walked out of the store with a cart full of white plastic bags filled with items for me and my friend, I felt a little sick to my stomach. Was it the lack of breakfast or too much coffee before the early morning frenzy that brought about the nausea? Or was it the anticipation and anxiety I felt as I had rushed through the store? Perhaps it was the sudden realization that I had just spent a fair amount of money on clothes that I didn’t need, while people all over the planet actually do compete for that last bag of rice.

Four hours after Target sold out of most of the Missoni items, they began to show up on eBay for four and five times the price. Angry online customers sent vituperous Tweets and emails to Target complaining about their inability to buy online because the Target site crashed soon after the items became available. The following day, every major U.S. newspaper and newsfeed ran a story about Missoni at Target.

I believe competition in games and sport has its rightful place. We enjoy watching people win, especially when it’s our team, and the heightened inner state that occurs when we achieve our goals is a glorious experience. But when it comes at the expense of others, competition can seem displaced. Something about my shopping experience made me feel like my competitive instincts were not used for the common good.

This week, take a look at what you’re competing for. Do you find yourself at work getting overly aggressive like the woman who grabbed an entire rack of clothing in one fell swoop? Is the thing you’re competing for worth it? Perhaps you’re competing for a promotion or more attention from your boss or a family member. Have you ever competed in a passive aggressive way by withholding information from someone?

Two weeks after my shopping spree, the Missoni items hang in my closet with the tags still on them. I haven’t decided whether I’ll keep everything or return some of them. My husband reminds me that I work hard and deserve to splurge on myself once in awhile. And much of what I bought is just downright cute and will be fun to wear. But on the morning of September 13, I saw a part of myself that I am not particularly proud of. For someone who likes to say that her religion is kindness, I wonder who that person was who showed up at Target that morning?

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

9/25/11 “Engagement”

Good day, team,

The coach’s challenge this week is about engaging in your work and finding the energy with which to do it. Studies show that the average person puts only between 25 percent to 40 percent of available energy and ability into his or her work.

This percentage may be shocking, but time and time again, studies show that we could all improve our level of engagement on the job. There’s nothing more gratifying than working for or with someone who’s energized and always ready, willing and able to serve the customer. Each of us struggles with the same things: how to get all the work done, how to think of new and better ways to do things, how to improve our performance, etc. But when it comes to figuring out how to increase our energy on the job, we often fall short of solutions.

Here are some ways to increase your level of engagement and help your team do the same.
1) Get involved in the activities in front of you. Be present for what you’re doing in the moment.
2) Take ownership for your responsibilities and results.
3) Know where you have power and where you don’t. Stay involved where you can make the greatest difference and are most empowered.
4) Keep your network alive and well. Know who you’re affiliated with and continue to keep the energy flowing between you.
5) Understand what you’re most competent at. Leverage your strengths and don’t be afraid to face your weak spots.
6) Give yourself credit for your achievements. Find ways to reward yourself for a job well done.
7) Don’t be afraid to ask for recognition or to give it. Simply recognizing where we add value is often its own reward.
8) Make the connection between what you do and who you are. A job that has no meaning for you is the wrong job.

When managing teams, you can increase energy and engagement by giving your team the authority to make decisions and act upon them. Don’t forget to recognize all the different phases the team is going through, regardless of how smooth things are. Be alert to signs that the team needs additional coaching when times are tough. When things are going well, let everyone be involved in the rewards and recognition. Team members usually know better than anyone else what motivates them.

Try increasing your energy level this week by using some of these suggestions to re-engage in your work. In the words of Harry S. Truman, “I found that the men and women who got to the top were those who did the jobs they had in hand, with everything they had of energy and enthusiasm and hard work.”

Have a great week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

9/18/11 “Quotes”

Good day, team.

Once in awhile I like to share some of my favorite quotes as inspiration for the week’s challenge. Here’s my current list of favorites:

“The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.”

— Pema Chodron

“Love is saying, ‘I feel differently’ instead of “You’re wrong.’ ”
— Unknown

“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.”
— Francois Gautier

“When you judge another, you do not define them. You define yourself.”
— Wayne Dyer

“Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”

— Charles Swindoll

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.”

— Gandhi

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.”

— Frank Crane

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.”

— Eckhart Tolle

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”

— Sam Keen

“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.”

— Johann Von Goethe

“The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment.”

— Elbert Hubbard

“The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.”

*

Unknown

This week, I’m choosing the quote from Gandhi: “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” In my ongoing attempt to experience each moment with more ease and equanimity, I find the temptation to go faster and faster is one of my greatest obstacles. I’m always wishing I could get things done more quickly, and I frequently try to multitask, rushing from one thing to the next or not really focusing on the task at hand. This week, my challenge will be to slow down, take more in stride and live each moment to the fullest.

Which quote will inspire you this week?

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

9/11/11 “Every Second Counts”

Good day, team.

I opened the newspaper the other morning and read the following:

“What exists everywhere in the universe but occupies no space? What can be measured but not seen, heard, smelled, tasted nor held in our hands? What can be spent, saved, frittered away or killed but never destroyed?”

These riddles are on display at the National Watch & Clock Museum in Columbia, Pa., a fascinating place that showcases 12,000 clocks, watches, timepieces and timekeepers in 18,000 square feet of museum space. Truly, an horological wonder!

The New York Times article, “Where Every Second Counts” by Edward Rothstein, not only describes the museum but examines how measuring time has defined humanity. Time gives us a way to organize our lives within its boundaries. It makes planning and strategy possible. It allows us to form into groups and get things done. It increases our awareness of what remains constant and what changes. Since the beginning of time, humans have observed the patterns of nature (sunrises, sunsets, solstices), and these repetitions have given pattern to our experiences. Time has allowed us to see that each experience has a beginning and an end. Each measurement of time has a start and a finish.

Reading the article made me think of my own questions around this mystery we call time. Where does it go after it passes? What are we measuring when we tell time? How has the way we measure time fundamentally changed the way we live our lives? Why do I never seem to have enough of it?

I’m having a hard time, for example, realizing that it’s almost the middle of September in a year that has gone by at lightening speed. Today is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, and it’s hard for me to believe that a decade has passed. And as I get closer to my 60th birthday, I have very little understanding of what it means to be alive for 60 years.

Every week, my calendar — one of the major ways we organize time — dictates how I spend each day. I find myself thinking, “How can I save more time for myself or make more time to spend with the people I love?” And each week, I continue to go from one appointment to the next trying to get the most out of the time I have.

This weekend, I found myself sitting in a chair staring into space. It suddenly dawned on me that I had nothing I had to do, no place I had to be, no appointment that needed keeping and I could just sit there. The moments ticked by. The thought arose, “Am I wasting my time?” “I think not,” was the inner response. Perhaps in these moments, I am not allowing time to waste me.

This week, take a moment to be out of time. Let it go. Allow all the appointments and commitments and time-oriented things in your life to fall away. Just for a moment or two, allow time to pass without trying to control it.

As Golda Meir said, “I must govern the clock, not be governed by it.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

9/4/11 “Push Your Rock”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge comes from my good friend Dina Bright who heard the story at the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles. The challenge within the story is about persevering even when you think you’re not accomplishing anything.

Push Your Rock

There once was a man who had a huge desire to please God, so he prayed day and night until one day a voice spoke to him, “I want you to go and push a rock.”

The man woke up the next morning elated and ran outside to find a huge boulder. He began pushing it, but nothing happened, so he kept at it all day. The next day he did the same, yet it still didn’t budge an inch. He went on like that for three months, until one day he got so frustrated that he stopped pushing.

That night he had a dream, and the same voice asked him, “Why did you stop pushing?”

“Nothing happened,” he answered.

“Nothing happened? Look at you! Look how determined and focused you’ve become. Look how powerful your muscles are now. You’re no longer the person you were when you started. Besides, I didn’t tell you to move the rock; I told you to push it. I’ll move the rock when it’s time.”

This week’s challenge is simply to keep pushing your rock. It’ll move at the right moment, in the perfect time, when you least expect it. Meanwhile, amazing things are happening, even if you’re not noticing them yet.

This Labor Day weekend, take the time to rest and relax. I have no doubt that we’ll all be pushing our rocks come Tuesday morning, so enjoy this time off while you have it.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

8/29/11 “Making a Difference”

Good day, team.

This past week I worked with two teams at two companies in two locations. At one location, I found myself standing at a whiteboard in a conference room talking about team dynamics as the team nodded in agreement about the challenges of dealing with others. At another location, I stood on the deck of a boat, watching whales swim just 20 feet away as the team ooh’ed and aah’ed.

What kind of job is this, I wondered? In all my wildest dreams, I never would have imagined many of the amazing experiences I’ve had while working for a living. In many ways “working for a living” is exactly what some of these experiences have been for me. My work has expanded my life and given it meaning. Each day I am given the opportunity to make a difference in my own life by making a difference in the lives of others.

I consider myself extremely lucky that a decade ago I experienced a mid-life crisis on several levels. I began to realize how unhappy I was with almost all aspects of my life. I was out of alignment, and each day this gnawing inside me became more and more painful. With the help of a coach and a therapist — as well as a health crisis that kicked me in the butt — I began to make better choices in my career and personal life.

Then one day, the coaching profession, very much in its infancy at that time, offered itself up to me when a close friend suggested, “Hey, what about coaching?” I thought he meant volleyball.

It’s funny how that one casual conversation changed my work life profoundly. Coaching has given me the opportunity to touch people’s lives in a way that I never thought possible. As I approached my 50s, making a difference became more and more important to me. The ability to offer something that helps people improve their lives is at the core of my joy.

This past week, I was inspired by one team because of how honest and open everyone was with one another. Managing difficult people is frustrating, and I respected the efforts of these managers as they worked to find good solutions and assume the positive intent of their people. Change the scene and team members, and I was again in awe of a different group of people who continue each day to try to make their company a better place to work. For many of them, the past few years have not been encouraging or successful. A lack of clear vision or mission and many changes at the executive level have left them feeling hopeless at times. And yet, they continue to come back day after day to make a positive difference.

In both cases, I was amazed by the dedication and willingness to serve others. I’m grateful that my job allows me to provide them with guidance in their quest to be better for themselves and make things better for others.

This week, see what makes you happiest in your work life. Perhaps it’s watching your people develop as you mentor and manage them. Maybe it’s your ability to bring a team together to keep everyone focused and engaged as they work on a project. Some of my clients find joy in acting as individual contributors by making a process easier for a team. Others have become subject-matter experts and enjoy providing insight, vision and expertise to their team.

Three wonderful quotes come to mind on this subject. This week, I hope one of them inspires you to make a difference for yourself and others.

“This is the true joy in life — being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” — George Bernard Shaw

“It’s easy to make a buck. It’s a lot tougher to make a difference.” — Tom Brokaw

“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” — Edward Everett Hale

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

8/22/11 “Restore”

Good day, team.

The coach’s challenge this week is about restoring ourselves. It’s a great topic for this time of year, as nice weather beckons us to relax and take some time off.

I’ve often gone on vacation only to find myself more stressed than refreshed when I return home. Vacation has more to do with our state of mind than how much time we take off. A lot of people try to use the skills that make them effective at work — organizing, planning and directing — to make their vacations a success. The trouble is, this approach is generally not compatible with a state of rest and relaxation. Putting ourselves in a relaxed mode is a real trick when we’re used to moving quickly and efficiently throughout our days.

One way to aid mental relaxation is to engage in a recreational activity that requires attention. Many people say that when they go skiing in the mountains, they don’t think about anything else because it requires their full attention. This focused activity allows them to stop thinking about anything else and just be in the moment — and these kinds of activities are highly restorative. Yesterday, while canoeing with my grandsons, I stopped thinking about work or what to fix for dinner or anything other than being in that canoe with my husband and the kids, paddling across the lake. It was glorious!

The key to taking time off to restore oneself seems to be in our ability to stay in the present moment, to think only of what we are doing now, where we are now, who we are with now. If we’re still thinking about work while we’re talking to our families, we are not very effective at communicating with them. If we’re lying in the hammock on the weekend worrying about something at work, how much are we able to relax? Conversely, if we’re in a meeting dreaming about our upcoming vacation, we’re obviously not being effective at work.

This week, try spending at least 30 minutes each day (outside of work!) just relaxing and allowing yourself to “vacate.” Try not to put any demands on yourself. In the words of Josephine Rathbone, pioneering professor of health and physical education at Columbia University’s Teachers College, “If we could learn how to balance rest against effort, calmness against strain, quiet against turmoil, we would assure ourselves of joy in living and psychological health for life.”

Have a great week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2011 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

8/15/11 “Epitaphs”

Good day, team.

Your challenge this week is about how you would like to be remembered. First, I offer some context.

On vacation last week, my husband and I took a road trip to Idaho. We visited friends in beautiful Sandpoint on Lake Pend Orielle and then traveled to the little towns of Grangeville and Nez Perce to discover what we could about my husband’s extended family. Surrounded by miles of wheat and corn fields, these towns have hardly changed since my husband’s relatives grew up there. These small and quiet towns are home to middle class farmers and stay-at-home moms who still put up pickles and jams and hang their clothes on the line outside. The most important events of the year are high school football games, the harvest and the Nez Perce Indian celebrations.

The Sunday we arrived in Grangeville, the entire town was in the park. Kids played in the community swimming pool, and adults sat in aluminum lawn chairs under shade trees, drinking lemonade and chatting about this year’s strange weather, the price of wheat, and which piece of machinery broke down last week.

We sought out the town cemetery to look for the gravesites of David’s ancestors — the Overmans, Watsons, Sinclairs, and Whites. The prairie hill cemetery sits on a small rise with a gorgeous 360-degree view. The hot, dry breeze made wave-like patterns over the fields of high grass, and swirling clouds of dust surrounded the few harvesters out in the fields working to get a few more rows done. I realized that this view and this place had remained the same for many generations. It was comforting to feel its stability.

As we walked the rows of the cemetery, I read one headstone after another and pieced together a small picture of the lives of those who had lived here over the years:

Sarah, 1888–1902 — Darlin’ daughter of Ed and Wilma, whom the angels took too soon
Edward, 1904–1918 — Our brave and hearty son and brother
Leslie, 1872–1918 — True to every trust
William, 1872–1945 — Only game fish swim up stream
James, 1922–1945 — A valiant solder who died for us
Percy, 1891–1954 — Loving family man and famous fisherman
Clarisse, 1934–1935 — How brief and sweet was your time on earth
Forrest, 1902–1917 — His burden is lifted up to God
Cyrus, 1845–1901 — Here lies a loving man who served all with a smile
Myrtle, 1918–1982 — Sweet flower of the field
Florence Pauline, 1882–1899 — Thy memory shall ever be a guiding star to heaven

Who were these people? I wondered. Are their epitaphs a good description of who they were?

We stopped for lunch at the Hilltop Cafe, aptly named as it sat on the only hill in town. It was the typical cafe of the 1960s, with checked, plastic table cloths; dusty plastic flower arrangements; a bulletin board in the front entrance announcing local activities and services; bar stools covered in red naugahyde; and a large sign over the cook’s station that read, “If you don’t like it, don’t order it.”

The place was full of locals and a few bikers traveling through. “Sit anywhere!” a woman shouted as we walked into the restaurant. We took a couple seats at the counter, and it soon became clear that the place was run by that woman. Her name was Hilda.

“Order up!” she barked at the cook who was no more than 10 feet from her across a counter. “Where’s that tuna sandwich?” The cook’s downcast eyes reflected a combination of servitude and resentment.

“Fifteen years I’ve been runnin’ this place, and I still can’t get any decent help!” she said to a customer. Her servers and dishwasher just shook their heads and went about their business.

At another table, Hilda drilled an undecided customer. “You want curlys or French fries? I don’t have all day, so make up your mind.”

As I watched the scene unfold, I wondered what Hilda’s epitaph would read. “Here lies Hilda, the crabbiest cafe owner who ever lived” or “Hilda of the Hilltop — they ordered ’em up and she ordered ’em around.” Whatever it would turn out to be, I imagined Hilda’s dominating spirit would come into play.

This week, think about your own epitaph. What attitudes and behaviors do you show each day that people might use to describe you? Do you think people would say that you were brave, sweet, loving or loyal? Would they say you had a mind of your own or that you were nobody’s fool? Would you have a funny epitaph like one of these – “I would rather be here than in Texas” or “Here lies the father of 29. He would have had more, but he didn’t have the time.” My all time favorite came from a headstone in Tombstone, Arizona: “Be who you is, cuz if you be who you ain’t, then you ain’t who you is.”

Think about what others might write about you after you’re gone. How will they remember you? If you had to write your own epitaph, what would you say about yourself? And would it be different than what others would write? Most important, what attitudes and behaviors do you exhibit everyday that describe you?

Have a good week!

Kathleen

Kathleen Doyle-White

Pathfinders Coaching

(503) 296-9249

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