The subject of this post is “no blame”. Here’s an opinion about blame that I like: Most blame is just unowned disappointment. When you own the disappointment, blame loses its job.
As you may remember, I have written about this subject a number of times. Blaming others is so prevalent that I find it useful to remind myself and others what a waste of time and energy it is. The definition of blame is, an expression of disapproval or reproach. It usually involves one person disapproving of what another person is saying or doing. Blame often goes beyond the disapproval stage and becomes a judgment or opinion on the part of the person who is blaming. It is then left to the person being blamed to respond in some way. Their response is often negative, since by nature, none of us enjoy being disapproved of. In “The Four Agreements” , Don Miguel Ruiz, the author, has a wonderful way of addressing blame. He writes, ‘the biggest assumption that humans make is that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. We are afraid to be ourselves around others because we think others will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves.”
We can see that blame arises when we take things personally and then make assumptions about others. Try to see blame when it arises in you and then try not to project it out onto others. When we realize that nothing good comes from blame and that no one, including ourselves, enjoys the experience of being blamed, we can have an incentive to catch blame and stop it before it becomes our reality.
Here are three good suggestions for working against not blaming others:
- Name your part first.
Start with:“Here’s what I did or didn’t do…”
It shifts you out of defense and almost always lowers the temperature. - Describe impact, not intent.
Say what happened and how it affected you without explaining why they did it.
Example: “When the deadline moved, I felt unprepared,” not “You didn’t think it through.” - Turn complaints into requests.
Blame looks backward; requests look forward.
Ask:“What do I want instead next time?” and say that clearly.
“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are they who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” George Bernard Shaw
Kathleen