“Try not to be defensive.” It’s advice we hear often, yet it can feel nearly impossible when we believe we’re being unfairly blamed. I learned an important lesson about this during my time on a human resources management team at a fast-growing start-up.
The company had expanded rapidly—from a dozen employees to more than 2,000—and after a series of strategic missteps by the CEO, we found ourselves navigating layoffs, bankruptcy concerns, and constant pressure. Tension was high, and our team was exhausted.
A new COO was brought in to turn things around. Formerly a Navy SEAL, he was disciplined, direct, and had little tolerance for what he perceived as inefficiency. Within weeks, he called our team into a meeting and harshly criticized our performance. I immediately felt myself bristle. I defended our efforts, and as I looked around the table, my teammates were visibly angry as well. Our defensiveness only escalated the tension, and the COO quickly called it out.
One colleague, however, responded differently. Justin stayed calm and listened without taking the criticism personally. When he spoke, his tone was steady and constructive: “I understand the results are disappointing. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, I’d like to talk about how we can work more efficiently. You’ve helped other organizations through this—what would you recommend we prioritize in the next few weeks?”
In that moment, Justin shifted the entire conversation from blame to possibility. He transformed negative feedback into forward-focused problem-solving.
The lesson stayed with me: when we are genuinely doing our best, there is nothing to defend. Defensiveness closes doors. Curiosity and openness create pathways forward. By focusing on what can be done differently instead of what went wrong, we expand our options—and our impact.
Watching how often we defend ourselves with others is a great exercise. More importantly, notice how often you defend yourself internally. Thoughts like, “they really don’t understand me, I’m the one that was right, they just don’t get it” are a form of inner defensiveness. Sooner or later, this inner defensiveness gets projected out onto to someone else.
The key to neutralizing our defensiveness is acceptance. At the end of the day, things are as they are and no amount of self-defense will change them. However, looking forward to how you can do things differently opens up a world of new possibilities.
Kathleen