Author: Kathleen Doyle-White

Blindspots

Good day, team.
A former client of mine sent me an article this week about our blind spots — character traits or personal behaviors we don’t see but that show up in our interactions with others. This week’s challenge is about being willing to see our blind spots and what to do about them once we see them.
When I took my training to become a coach, I was introduced to one of my major blinds spots: I often interrupted people when they were speaking. I did this in a variety of ways. I interrupted them mid-sentence to express what I thought about their subject matter, I finished their sentences for them, and I sometimes asked them a question while they were still talking. This behavior was definitely not appropriate for coaching someone and, I painfully discovered, was extremely irritating to my friends and family who had been putting up with it for years.
Once I got over the embarrassment of having this behavior pointed out to me, I began to observe what was happening to me when I interrupted someone.
First, I was more prone to interrupt someone if I was really engaged in what they were saying. Getting excited about the subject matter raised the energy in my body. My heart would beat faster, and I felt the excitement of connecting with an idea or having thoughts quickly come to my mind. I had to do something with all that energy, so words would come out of my mouth before they were supposed to, often right in the middle of another person’s sentence.
Second, somehow I thought I knew exactly what other people were talking about, so I finished their sentences for them. This became such a habit that I found people I often talked with just naturally allowed me to finish their sentences.
Third, I was clueless to the reaction people had to my interruptions. I was usually so absorbed in what I was saying that I would miss their reaction. This kept my blind spot fully intact. I was missing all of their “this really irritates me” signals. I had no reason to change my behavior if I wasn’t aware of how irritating it was to others.
When I became certified in the Goldsmith stakeholder coaching program recently, I realized the importance of having others give us feedback so we have an opportunity to observe our blindspots. At the heart of this coaching model is the participation of the stakeholder, and that’s why it’s so successful. It’s the people you ask to observe your behaviors and give you constant feedback — or as Marshall Goldsmith calls it, “feed forward” — that make this coaching model so useful.
With this method (if you have the courage to do it), you ask your stakeholders to tell you if you’re using the behaviors you want to use to improve or if you’re still stuck in your blind spot behaviors. In my case, I asked my stakeholders to observe whether I was still interrupting them, and they had my permission and encouragement to tell me when I was. In the spirit of feed forward, they could also give me ideas for what I could do going forward to change this blind spot behavior.
I have a clear memory of the first time my coaching professor observed my interrupting behavior in front of the rest of the class. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. To make matters worse, within my body I felt like someone had just taken all the wind out of my sails. All that energy that was enthusiastic about what the other person was saying was stopped dead in its tracks, and I was left to wallow in it as it slowly dissipated.
I weakly asked, how do I stop this and what do I do with all this energy? What do I do instead? The teacher was smart enough to ask my fellow classmates. Many of them chimed in with great suggestions, and I realized that by being vulnerable and willing to listen, I got some very sincere and great suggestions:
“Try being present to your breathing while the other person is talking, and when the desire to speak arises, breathe your way through it until the person is done speaking.”
“Sit on one of your hands or put your hand in your pocket as soon as the other person starts to speak. Don’t allow yourself to say anything or move your hand until the person is done speaking.”
“Listen to your voice when you speak. Is it high and excited sounding? Or does it sound like it’s coming from deeper within you, from your belly rather than your throat? Try hearing the difference in tone, and when you do speak to someone, try speaking from your belly. You may find that speaking from there allows you to control the urge to interrupt and slows you down enough to catch yourself from interrupting.”
I was humbled by the sincerity of their suggestions. Everyone could see that we all have blind spots, and mine weren’t any better or worse than anyone else’s. And when they were caught in their own blind spots, I greatly wanted to help them see their behavior and find good ways to change it.
All of this encouraged me to ask for more feedback and suggestions. As painful as it was to receive it, I knew that this was where I really needed to do my work — in the places where I was most blind.
This week, have the courage to ask some of your stakeholders (the people who see your behaviors daily) what behaviors they see you doing that are not helpful or useful. Ask them how you could change your behaviors to better suit the situation and be more appropriate.
Maybe you get immediately defensive when someone gives you constructive feedback and say things like, “I do not” or “You’re mistaken.” This certainly won’t encourage the person to continue to offer suggestions. Maybe you’re someone who talks too much. Try becoming more aware of how people react to you in the moment. Do you notice that people stop listening to you while you are talking? How about the blind spot of always playing the role of the devil’s advocate? Do you find that you almost always disagree with what’s being said just to make sure the other side is heard? Or maybe you want people to see how smart you are by raising the other perspective? Sometimes this behavior can be useful and sometimes not — it all depends on the situation. But if you always do it, chances are there’s a blind spot there. Here are two more of my favorites: acting as the class clown or the cynic. Do you frequently use humor to buffer situations, even at the expense of others? Or are you the one who often makes a cynical comment, particularly when someone in the room is excited or hopeful about the work he or she is doing? One client of mine told me he was afraid to go into meetings with his boss. He seemed so mild mannered and polite with everyone most of the time, but occasionally, his boss would make a snide remark to someone in a meeting. It was so out of character that no one was even sure if he’d actually said it — except for the person he made the snide remark to. They never forgot it.
The best part about asking others to help us increase our self-awareness is in their sincere responses. We all know we need help, and it’s the loving kindness in us that wants to serve each other in the best way we can. When someone sincerely asks for help seeing their blindspots, we are more than willing to assist. It’s like seeing a blind person trying to cross a busy intersection, would we just allow them to walk into the street without trying to help them cross it?
Have a good week!

Kathleen

Many thanks to Christian Buschow for sending me this blog entry about blind spots. Here’s the link: http://aslantraining.com/blog/what-does-your-sign-say.

4/28/13 “Learning”

Good day, team.

Over the past few months, I’ve been participating in a number of different coaching training and certification processes. My experience in these classes has reminded me how important it is to understand how we learn best — and this is the subject of this week’s challenge.

Research has uncovered three major types of learning styles. Auditory learners enjoy learning through hearing. They would rather listen to a subject being explained than read about it. Reciting information out loud and having music in the background while studying or reading is common for these learners.

Visual learners prefer to see examples of what they are learning. They learn best by looking at graphics, watching a demonstration or reading. For these people, it’s easy to look at graphs and charts, but they may have difficulty concentrating while listening to an explanation.

Kinesthetic learners learn by touch. These people enjoy hands-on experiences. Doing an activity can be the easiest way for them to learn. Sitting still while studying can be difficult, but writing things down makes it easier to understand.

It’s certainly possible for a person to learn through all of these methods, but many find that one is preferable. For example, I can’t concentrate when there’s a lot of background noise. I find it difficult to listen to music, for example, while reading a book. On the other hand, if someone is teaching me something and explaining it to me while giving me a visual representation of the subject, I learn far more easily.

Last week, while sitting in a training class, I noticed that the gentlemen sitting next to me was a very different learner than I am. The trainer presented the information in a number of different ways. First, she explained what she was trying to teach us. Then she gave each table of five participants an opportunity to do some activity that taught us the material. After that, we shared our experiences, and the teacher finished by walking us through the written material in our manual.

I definitely learned more by participating with the group at the table. The activity gave us an opportunity to experiment with what the trainer had presented and to learn it by doing it. I was least interested in the last part when she referenced the manual and walked us through the written descriptions.

On the other hand, the gentleman next to me made very detailed notes when the trainer first introduced the subject. His handwriting was small and neatly placed in his notebook. When it came time for group participation, he was quiet and didn’t seem very interested in participating. But when the trainer referenced the manual, he took out his yellow highlighter and highlighted the parts he found most important. Another woman at our table talked more than the rest of us during the group activity, and when we reviewed the manual, she spent her time texting. Still another person at our table seemed anxious for the trainer to move along at a faster pace and had trouble paying attention.

These observances showed me just how differently we all learn. I realized how important it is to understand what particular style works best for each of us individually. For example, I am a visual and kinesthetic learner. I often think in pictures, and the best way for me to learn something is to try it. I’m not afraid to jump right in because I believe that it’s not until you’re actually doing something that you can learn it on all levels. If I have to sit through PowerPoint presentations with more than three bullets per slide or a presentation that’s more than six pages long, I have trouble paying attention. If someone puts a spreadsheet up on the screen, I’m bored, regardless of how important the information might be. On the other hand, if someone demonstrates what the spreadsheet represents or tells me an interesting story about the information, then I can begin to learn it.

The gentleman in my class who wrote everything down is obviously not a kinesthetic learner. He found participating in our table experiments and exercises difficult, and he much preferred to read the information and pick out the specific parts he found relevant. The woman at our table who talked a lot needed to engage with the group and ask questions. She seemed to be an auditory learner and wasn’t distracted by other teams in the room or incoming text messages.

The week, observe how you like to learn. Watch your teammates in meetings and see if you can determine how they like to learn. Maybe one of them has to frequently repeat what someone else has said in order to get it. Or maybe someone on your team loves to take notes and refer to them often until he or she fully understands what’s being presented.

Do you prefer visual presentations of a topic more than reading about it in a manual? Perhaps you are like me and prefer to plunge right in before reading the manual. Maybe you like listening to audio recordings, podcasts, webinars and lectures. Or maybe you find that the tactile method of hands-on learning in labs, workshops or participatory classes works best.

Acknowledging how you like to learn can save you an enormous about of time and energy when it comes to learning something new. Don’t be afraid to let the people around you know how you like to learn. If you love to learn through visuals such as movies, presentations or whiteboards, tell your boss, your teacher and your other associates. Knowing this about you will help them decide which learning format is the one you thrive in.

Whatever your preferred style, try to create situations for learning that are enjoyable.

As Confucius advised, “He who learns but does not think is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/21/13 “Influencing”

Good day team,

This past week, I was working with a management team focusing on their individual strengths and teaching them how these strengths fit into the four domains of leadership – executing, influencing, building relationships and strategic thinking. These are the skills that leaders and managers need to effectively do their jobs and are the subject of this week’s challenge.

This material comes from a book entitled “Strengths-based Leadership” by Tom Rath and Barry Conchie. After many years of polling for-profit and not-for-profit organizations, the Gallup organization determined that the four domains of leadership are where successful leaders and managers spend their time. The book includes the StrengthsFinder assessment – a brief test used to identify an individual’s five top strengths and map them into the leadership domains. For example, if you have “achiever” as a strength, i.e. you like to get stuff done – then that strength is likely to show up in your top five and is an executing strength.

Finding your top five strengths is the first step. Taken further, discovering where your strengths line up in the four domains gives you an excellent way of determining how you like to lead others. It also gives your people a great way to understand your strengths and knowledge of how you apply them in the workplace.

Over the past 30 years, I have found that the American workforce has moved steadily away from an authoritarian style of management (command and control), to a much more influential style of management (inspire and support). Most organizations used to be run by a bossy boss – almost always a man. Bossy bosses have autocratic, very direct styles that offer their reports very little support. Nowadays, it is common to find leaders of both sexes using a coaching style of leadership, one with emphasis on directing and supporting their people. Among the best leaders, you will also find a strong dose of inspiration that energizes and engages team members.

Here’s an article about the importance of influencing others in a work environment which I think best describes this shift in management style. It’s author is Beth Armknecht Miller, Founder and President of Executive Velocity, an Atlanta based leadership advisory firm.

“Webster’s Dictionary defines a “leader, as a person who has commanding authority or influence”. I would argue that in the 21st century it’s all about influence, not authority. If a leader only has authority and is unable to influence others, then his or her leadership will be short lived. And, with the shortage of talent, leaders need to create sustainability in an organization.

“Think about those leaders and individual contributors in your organization, whether for profit or not for profit, who may not have the title of VP, Director, or Manager yet they have followers because of their influence with others. These are the people who others listen to and respect but don’t have the title providing them with the authority to lead. They are able to use specific behaviors that align with the situation that will get others to change behaviors, opinions, attitudes, goals, needs and values.

“What are critical methods to leadership influence?

“It is important to understand that influence much like leadership, is dependent on the situation that requires influence. It may be that you are trying to influence someone higher in the organization, a peer, or a direct report. All of these are different situations in themselves. Other types of situations where influence may be needed include:

Change to project plans

Support of proposals by upper management

Agree to new assignments and tasks

Provide necessary information in a timely fashion

Stop ineffective or negative behaviors

“The Power Use Model outlined by Anita Hall, Extension Educator and Leverne Barrett, Extension Leadership Specialist of the University of Nebraska – Lincoln Extension, depicts someone’s choice of influence tactics in terms of the ‘softness’ versus ‘hardness’ of the tactic. The spectrum relates to the freedom the tactic leaves the person being influenced to decide either to yield or to resist the influence attempts.

“Hard tactics give individuals less freedom than soft tactics. They are perceived as more forceful and push the person to comply versus support. Hard tactics include “exchange”, “legitimating”, “pressure”, “assertiveness”, “upward appeal”, and “coalitions”. Soft tactics are considered thoughtful and constructive and pull the person to make the necessary change. Soft tactics include “personal appeal”, “consultation”, “inspirational appeal”, “ingratiation”, and “rational persuasion”. It is important to note that soft tactics tend to provide more lasting change because they create an emotion of support versus compliance by the person being influenced.

“And, there are certain methods when used to influence that are generally unsuccessful. These tactics are often associated with a leader who has the authority but lacks influence. Autocratic leaders will often make demands, threats or intimidation, which will generate short-term change but no support.

“When would this tactic be useful? In an emergency, demands are often necessary. A leader needs to have people move quickly when the office is on fire or the plant has been exposed to dangerous chemicals.

“Yet, for the most part, when soft tactics are used more than hard tactics, such as demands and threats, a leader can build influence capital. From my experience with leaders, those who are highly influential use these two tactics more than others:

Inspirational appeal – a request or proposal that arouses emotions and enthusiasm by appealing to others values and ideals, or by increasing their confidence in being successful.

Consultation – includes others’ in making a decision or planning how to implement a change that impacts them.

“So what if you’re a leader with authority, you’ve got the title, how do you know whether or not you have influence with the people you are leading? My suggestion to leaders is to start taking an audit of the methods they use to influence. How much time are they using the consultation and inspirational appeal methods to influence others? And if the percent is low, how are you going to increase your soft tactic influence?”

This week, consider the effectiveness of your management style. Are you using more hard tactics rather than soft. i.e. directing or supporting? Perhaps, you become impatient easily when others aren’t working fast enough and you become pushy, bossy or autocratic. Maybe your soft tactics have become too supportive and not direct enough and your people are confused about what you really want from them.

Try achieving balance when it comes to being direct and supportive. People need instruction but they also need emotional support to help them stay committed. You may be getting stuff done but your autocratic management style might be breeding resentment and disrespect within your organization. Try using some influencing techniques instead. You may find it works more effectively by attracting and inspiring your team members to the task at hand.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/14/13 “Acknowledgement”

Good day, team.

This past week, I’ve been hosting my coaching associate Kate Dwyer. She’s my backup when I need to rely on another coach to work with me on projects for clients. We’ve had the fortunate experience of being able to work together from time to time over the past 12 years. This week’s challenge is one that Kate wrote back in 2004 for me to post. It’s about the importance of acknowledging the efforts of others.

“This week’s challenge is to celebrate what you want to see more of. Throughout the work week, we often witness each other making an effort that goes above and beyond the usual standard of a job description. It may be a small gesture, which is over in a heartbeat, or it may be one of those bigger, more heroic gestures that makes a person’s day much more challenging. Regardless of the size of the effort, we see someone take an extra step on behalf of the whole. Part of great leadership is noticing and acknowledging.

“We have lots of good reasons why we often don’t reward others with acknowledgement. Perhaps we have a meeting to go to, or we don’t want a compliment to go to someone’s head. Maybe we’re concerned he or she won’t like being the center of attention, or we think the person is too busy right now. The bottom line is we miss an opportunity to celebrate great work.

“This week, aim for giving more mini-doses of positive feedback right when you notice things, in the moment. Weekly one-on-ones, annual reviews, scorecards or periodic evaluations are all valuable formats for giving organized feedback, but they’re not going to put the spring in our step that makes a work day fly by and feel fulfilling. What gives us that extra boost is knowing that the people we work with pay attention to what we do well. Acknowledging great work, however small, inspires ownership, quality and endurance.”

It’s difficult to express how much I appreciate and trust Kate’s integrity and abilities as a coach. But since this challenge is about acknowledging the extraordinary efforts of others, let this be my thanks to her for all her excellent coaching and support of me over the years.

“Correction does much, but encouragement does more.” — Johann Goeth

“Celebrate what you want to see more of.” — Thomas J. Peter

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

4/7/13 “Poetry”

Good day, team.

It’s April, and that means it’s poetry month again. As I always do in April, I’d like to share a poem with you that speaks to me. Your challenge this week is to find a piece of writing that speaks to you — maybe it’s the words to a song, a piece of prose, a poem or even just one line. Write it down and keep it someplace where you can see it each day. Let it remind you of what’s most important to you.

Here is mine:

A Noiseless Patient Spider

I mark’d where on a little promontory it stood isolated,

Mark’d how to explore the vacant, vast surrounding,

It launched forth filament, filament, filament, out of itself.

Ever unreeling them, ever tirelessly speeding them.

And you O my soul where you stand,

Surrounded, detached, in measureless oceans of space,

Ceaselessly musing, venturing, throwing, seeking the spheres to connect them.

Till the bridge you will need be form’d, till the ductile anchor hold,

Till the gossamer thread you fling catch somewhere, O my soul.

— Walt Whitman

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/31/13 “The Arrival of Spring”

Good day, team.

Today’s challenge is about appreciating the arrival of spring. I’d simply like to share an article I read this week in the New York Times, “The Farm From Afar” by Verlyn Klinkenborg:

“Last week I got an e-mail from one of the two young farmers living at my small farm in upstate New York while I’m teaching in Southern California for the semester. She mentioned ‘green spears’ shooting out of the ground. The thought threw me into a vernal prolepsis, a mental flash-forward to spring, for which there must be a German word or a Chinese poem.

“I imagined the barn with the woodchucks beneath it stirring. I can picture the horses shedding winter, and their hair drifting across the snow.

“There’s plenty of spring in Southern California. Spring comes every time it rains, and it seems truly protean — herbs, trees, shrubs and flowers jostling one another, a mob of blossom, a fog bank of pollen. But I find myself missing the intensity of expectation that spring brings to the farm, the sense that the weather is rushing to meet a deadline, a linear thrust toward the heart of May. The cues come in sequence. One day it’s the hellebores, then snowdrops and then unruly forsythia.

“None of the real farmers in my family have been very good travelers. They went to war — World War II, Vietnam — and when they got home, they didn’t do much leaving again. Once I met an older farmer who told me he hadn’t missed a milking, morning or evening, in 40 years. It was more than just a sense of duty. It was a worry that things won’t go right — the corn won’t grow, the calves won’t fatten —unless you’re watching.

“In a small way, I know how that feels. Of course, the goldfinches will brighten without me. And the wild mint is already expanding its empire, I’m sure. The barn-loft door stands open, ready for the swallows. I’ll be along soon enough, just behind them.”

As I look out at the new blossoms on the trees and the daffodils in my garden this morning, I am reminded of the freshness of the season and how glad we are when it finally arrives. This week, enjoy the emergence of spring, wherever you live. Revel in its newness, its beauty and its promise

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/24/13 “It’s A Mystery”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about allowing the great mystery of our lives and the things that happen to us be as they are. Here’s the experience that sparked this idea:

Years ago, I was in Ireland on a writing trip with the poet David Whyte and 22 other aspiring writers. We signed up for this adventure to learn more about writing and to experience the Irish countryside with someone who knew the land extremely well. Once there, we traveled, mostly on foot, throughout the countryside in Western Ireland with David and many of his poet, musician and otherwise eccentric friends.

Our days were pretty much the same. We woke in our lovely cottages in the seaside town of Ballyvaughn, had breakfast with our cottage mates, then walked to the main house for tea and coffee, and shared the stories and poems that we had written along the way. Then we’d hike together for the rest of the morning, which always managed to produce some amazing revelations, either from the earth or the stones or the animals, about life, love, the universe and nature.

After our morning jaunt, we usually had a hearty lunch at a pub or restaurant and then more ambling in the afternoon, followed by a late afternoon nap back at the cottage. In the evenings, we were entertained by local musicians or simply had a few pints at the pub and shared stories — with plenty of laughter. All in all, it was my idea of the perfect vacation.

One day, after a particularly strenuous hike, we arrived in a small town, anxious to plunk ourselves down at the pub for food and drink at lunchtime. As we drove into the town square, we all noticed a bright red phone booth and immediately expressed our desire to call home before lunch. We’d not had any Internet or phone access for about five days, so the idea that we could call loved ones, check voicemail or touch base with work associates seemed like a luxury. We exited our vans quickly and immediately lined up at the phone booth to make our calls. I ended up last in line — mostly because others seemed to have a more pressing need to call family and work. It was fine with me; I wasn’t in a hurry to call home.

As I stood in line, I noticed how much the light kept changing — not at all unusual for Ireland at the beginning of June when blasts of rain and wind can come up without warning to produce a mini-torrential downpour and, within the next moment, be gone as quickly as they came. I also noticed a gentlemen standing just outside the door of the pub, under a small bit of roof overhang, smoking a pipe. He donned a woolen cap and wore the typical wool blazer, you so often see on the farmers and field workers in Ireland, complete with a few holes and well-worn patches at the elbows.

He watched us Americans in our waterproof jackets, hiking shoes and nylon pants, with walking sticks in hand and backpacks slung over our shoulders. Here we were, all lined up at the only phone booth for miles around, looking anxiously at whomever was on the phone trying to be patient for our turn. I wondered what he must think of us as he stood so still and contemplative, pipe smoke drifting up around his capped head. He appeared infinitely patient compared with the anxiety and anticipation that circulated within our group.

It seemed odd to be so excited about a phone call, but we’d all grown up with the ability to pick up the phone at anytime, anywhere and get the information we needed. So this felt like our big chance! I watched as each person emerged from the phone booth, some with satisfied expressions, having made the connection they’d hoped for. Others, with disappointed faces, not having been able to connect with the person they were trying to reach. Who could explain this phenomenon of picking up a phone receiver, holding it to your ear, putting some money into a box, and then within a few seconds, hearing the voice of another person who was thousands of miles away from you? “Hello?” they would answer, and there you were in a bright red phone booth in a tiny Irish town no one had ever heard of, speaking to them as though they were sitting right next to you.

Now that, I thought, is a mystery. I know someone could explain how it all works to me at least mechanically and technologically. But I was baffled by the idea itself. Perhaps because I’d gone for five days without using a phone, it dawned on me what an amazing thing it was that we could do this. I’d never thought about it before. But now it seemed to be nothing short of a miracle that technology had enabled this tool for people to connect emotionally and intellectually in a fairly intimate fashion over such great distances. I remember distinctly thinking, “Goodness me, what other mysteries exist in my life that I take for granted?”

As the line got smaller, I gave more thought about who to call. I began to get excited about talking with my mother to let her know how I was. She was always so happy to hear from me, and she would love the idea that I was calling from a red phone booth in Ireland somewhere.

Just as my turn for the booth was getting close, the skies turned black and a sudden downpour soaked me to the bone. The person before me was just finishing his call, but until he did, I stood waiting in the rain. As he quickly opened the glass door to the booth, I heard a quick, “I’m so sorry,” as he made a mad dash for the pub. I got in the booth and, as the rain beat loudly on the metal roof, I realized that the deafening sound would prevent me from hearing anyone on the other end of the line. I waited, feeling like an idiot to be standing in a glass box, while the rain thundered across the town square in huge sheets of water. The man at the pub’s doorway, continued to smoke his pipe and made a slight adjustment of his legs, so that his right foot scooted back under the overhang, which now dripped incessantly from the rain.

As the windows to the phone booth steamed up, it became impossible to see what was happening outside, and it made my waiting for the storm to pass even more vexing. Then, as the rain began to dissipate, I picked up the receiver in hopes of making my call. The phone was dead. I would not get to make a call after all. All I could do was wait for the storm to pass so I could make my way into the pub.

After five or so long minutes, I began to see the inside of the booth lighten up, and I knew that it was over. As I emerged from the booth, I was happy to see rays of light streaming through fast-moving clouds and everything within my sight was twinkling as tiny bits of raindrops sparkled in the sunlight. What a miracle, I thought. The world around me was refreshed and enlightened.

I made my way across the now muddy main street to the front door of the pub. The Irish gentleman still stood there, now poking at the bowl of his pipe with a well worn metal tool, looking intently at its contents. As I approached, he looked right at me, eye to eye, heart to heart. His eyes were so bright and present that they disarmed me. I was suddenly embarrassed by the intimacy and buffered it by making small talk. “Gosh,” I exclaimed, “that was quite a storm!” He looked up at the sky for a brief moment and then back at me. “It’s a mystery,” he responded. The total acceptance in his voice and the presence in his eyes rendered me silent. We stood, in that moment, looking into each others eyes in complete silence. There was nothing else to say. It was a mystery, and it was perfect.

As I sat in the pub a few moments later with a pint in my hand, I realized how right he was. It’s really all a mystery, I thought. It’s all a matter of how you see it. You can take it all for granted and not see the great mystery or beauty in anything, or you can experience just the opposite. Every leaf of grass, as Walt Whitman said, is a miracle. In that moment, I knew that the great mysteries of life are just that and need no further explanation. The wise Irishman at the doorway had allowed me to see it simply for what it was — no need to analyze, no need to investigate, no need to explain — just a mystery. And being fine with that was the gift he gave me in that moment.

This week, take notice of the mysteries in your life. Perhaps it’s the shrubs in your yard beginning to grow new buds. Maybe it’s the color of your teammate’s sweater that matches the color of her eyes. How about the first bite of a warmed morning muffin or a sip of scrumptious red wine? Notice the changing weather this time of year from cold and rainy to bright and sunny, all within a few minutes span. Last weekend, I saw three different rainbows emerge across the city and was reminded again of life’s great mysteries.

See these mysteries and try being content with just observing them. Try experiencing them instead of explaining them. Allow them to seep into you like water into a sponge. Be with them just as they are.

As the great author Paulo Coelho wrote, “We have to stop and be humble enough to understand that there is something called ‘mystery.’”

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/17/13 “Neti-Neti”

Good day, team.

I’m happy to greet the new week. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and if you’ve grown up with a name like mine, then you always celebrate your ancestors on this day. It’s a good way to start a week — with a day of celebration.

The subject of this week’s challenge is “neti-neti.” This phrase comes from Sanskrit and means “not this, not this.” These are important words for me. I first heard them from my wise therapist when I was 45 years old. I was starting to say “no” a lot more often in my life and couldn’t quite figure out why that was. I didn’t think it was bad. In fact, every time I said “no” to someone or some thing, I found it liberating. So it wasn’t the “no” that bothered me but rather the fact that previously in my life, I’d said “yes” to just about everything. And that turned out not to be the best response to many of the things that kept popping up in my life.

For example, once an old friend called and asked if I wanted to go out to a local bar to hear some music with her. We had a history of going to these kinds of places, drinking too much and attracting some rather unsavory characters at the bar or on the dance floor. Regardless of how the evening turned out, I always regretted waking up the next morning hungover and deeply depressed that I’d made such bad choices the night before. This time, when she called, a deep sense of certainty arose in me and I said, most emphatically, “No thanks.” She replied, “Maybe some other time.” And I remember thinking, there won’t be some other time.

As I hung up the phone, I felt free. I finally had the courage to say “no” to her, and I knew in that moment that I could let it all go. All the judgment I’d had about my actions when she and I went out drinking together, all the lack of self-trust that came from not making good decisions for myself, all the pain that came from wanting love and affection and looking for it in the wrong places. Just two words, “No thanks,” and poof — I was released from all that drama and destructive behavior.

It felt so good that I began saying “no” more often in a variety of different situations — with my family, at work, with my diet and even with my crafty cat, who seemed to have a way of manipulating me into saying “yes” to him more often than was good for either of us. I began saying “no” all over the place, and it began to worry me that perhaps I was becoming a really negative person. What if I said “no” to something that was actually a good opportunity for me?

In describing this to my therapist, she told me about neti-neti. She explained that with age comes wisdom, and part of that wisdom is the ability to make good distinctions. Understanding and being able to act upon what we know is good for us as well as what’s not good for us is key to our emotional maturity and well-being.

What I found most interesting about neti-neti was that I could say “no” to something and not necessarily know what the “yes” alternative was. Consequently, rather than “No, I don’t want this, but I do want that,” it was just fine to say, “No, not this.” I often didn’t know what the new “this” would be, but the space that was presented once I turned away from something and before I embraced something new was a wonderful place of innocence and curiosity. It encouraged exploration instead of certainty, and it gave me room to stretch and see the world differently. It became a place to rest without fear and without the pressure that comes along with taking on something new.

I began experimenting with neti-neti at work. I would be working on a project, and although the work I was doing was good, I also knew it wasn’t my best. But my constant urge to get it done would override my desire to do the best quality job. I tried objectively looking at the results from time to time, and rather than feel compelled to finish, I would allow myself to look at it in finer detail. I began to hear it in my head — I’d look at one part of the project and see that it needed refining. Then the words “neti-neti” would come. Other times, I could clearly see that the work I was doing was just right, and it got a resounding “yes.” I would find myself in business meetings, and when someone began to behave in a way that was unprofessional, I would hear it again, “neti-neti.” I would go to the museum to look at art, and the lack of good composition in a painting or the wrong color palette would evoke the words again, “neti-neti.” Listening to music became even more interesting as the discerning neti-neti would review the notes I was hearing and make its determination. Ironically, I remember thinking that if I listened to discordant music it would evoke the neti-neti more often, but the opposite happened. Now that I had a better way of making distinctions, I was more open minded to all kinds of music, not just familiar or simple melodies.

A more open mind was one of the major by products of cultivating the neti-neti. It helped me see things with a finer eye, a more discerning ear and a more open heart. I never would have imagined that the ability to say, “This is not for me” would offer me more and better choices than when I always said “yes.”

This week, try experimenting with neti-neti. Maybe you’re having trouble breaking an old habit — for example, having three glasses of wine at night for dinner instead of one. Try saying “neti-neti” to the second and third glasses. Perhaps you find yourself working late at your job too many nights a week and then feel guilty as you drive home, knowing your spouse will not be happy with you. Try saying “neti-neti” to the urge to stay late for one day a week and go home at 5:30. See how it feels as you drive away from the office. Or maybe you say “neti-neti” to the feelings of guilt and try accepting that working late, at least for now, is what you need to do to succeed.

One of my closest friends found herself in an abusive relationship with her husband. She called me one night and confessed, “You know, it’s not just him. I can clearly see how I provoke him and even though I don’t like the abuse that follows, I can’t seem to stop the pattern.” She and her husband had been working with a marriage counselor on this subject and both parties were seeing how their poor behaviors lead them into terrible fights and abusive actions. I knew about their history, and there was no doubt, they had lots of work ahead of them to increase their understanding and break old patterns of behavior. I thought about telling my friend about neti-neti, but it seemed too simple. But then, I thought, if it helps, why not? It certainly had helped me make better decisions in my life, so I told her about it.

Weeks later, she sent me an e-mail thanking me. She wrote, “Now Bill and I have this little tool we can use. When we start to go down that destructive path, one of us will say, “neti-neti,” and it’s just enough to break up the behavior patterns and give us a chance to stop. It doesn’t always work, but when it does, we’re so grateful.”

Try using neti-neti this week. See if it works for you!

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

Coach’s Challenge 3/10/13 “Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about the importance of disagreeing without being disagreeable in the workplace.

Last week, I acted as a mediator between two colleagues at a client company. Their disagreements had become so polarizing that the project they were working on together had come to a standstill. I don’t claim to be a professional mediator, but sometimes when coaching people, I find myself acting as an objective go-between to help people move forward when they get stuck in their opposite points of view.

Extreme extroverted and introverted behaviors lead to many conflicts. Extroverts rant and rave to dominate and drive others or scare them into submission. Introverts will not respond and often dominate the room with their inaction — what we refer to as “passive aggressive” behavior. Neither of these behaviors is helpful, and you can see how these polar extremes have no middle ground. They not only stop progress, but they can have a strong negative impact on other team members.

We often see behaviors that aren’t quite this extreme but fall into one camp or the other. It can be really frustrating to be part of a team with individuals who like to square off by either dominating or avoiding a conversation.

“The key to handling a conflict lies in how you approach it, not in the conflict itself.” This sage advice comes from “Disagreeing Without Being Disagreeable,” an article written by professional trainers Anne Baber and Lynne Waymon. In their piece, they outline examples of how you might disagree with a teammate’s behavior and offer good ways to communicate about it.

Here are some great suggestions for how to deal with disagreements successfully, paraphrased from Baber and Waymon’s article.

Let’s say you notice that many of your colleagues check their e-mail or text messages on their phones during your weekly staff meetings. This activity is disturbing when you’re trying to pay attention to whoever is leading the meeting, and you think it’s disrespectful. If the meeting leader says up front that it’s fine for people to check email, then that’s one thing. But generally meetings are called so that everyone can pay attention and offer input, and that’s hard to do when you’re multitasking.

How would you approach your team members about this? First, you could describe to your fellow team members in a nonjudgmental way that you notice they read e-mails during staff meetings. Second, you could describe the impact you see the behavior has on the rest of the team that is trying to pay attention. “I know that your experience with this project will help us avoid a lot of problems down the road. But I notice that we come to conclusions without your input because you’re often checking e-mail instead. We ask for your input, but because you’re not hearing what we’re saying, we have to repeat ourselves or start over to bring you up to date. Perhaps we should start our meetings later in the day so that you can take care of e-mail before we meet. I bet we could finish our meetings in half the time if everyone was really paying attention and actively participating.”

The four steps taken in the above scenario are as follows:

Describe what happened in a nonjudgmental voice.

Explain the impact of the behavior on you, a customer, team members or anyone else associated with the team.

Specify what you want in observable, measurable terms.

Explain the results that could come from the solution.

The next example is one that many of us have experienced. You work with someone who takes too many personal calls at work. This situation is difficult because many of us live complicated lives, and calls from family members, babysitters, nannies, teachers, contractors and such are hard to control — and we usually feel the need to answer them immediately. However, if your company has policies that restrict the amount of time taken away from work to deal with personal business, this phenomenon needs to be managed.

If you believe a colleague is taking a lot of personal calls, first observe the person to confirm that this is true. Then find a good time and place to approach him or her about it. Interrupting someone in the middle of the workday by walking up and saying, “I notice that you’re making too many personal calls,” won’t work. All you end up with is an angry, flustered co-worker who feels embarrassed and who most likely will become defensive immediately. Instead, ask if you can talk with the person later in a neutral space, such as the lunchroom or a conference room. During your meeting, let your colleague know that you think he or she is being frequently interrupted by phone calls or texting. Express that you’re worried about the impact this is having on his or her work and ask if it’s possible to keep personal phone calls or messages restricted to two or three a day. Remind your colleague that most of his or her teammates adhere to this standard and ask if he or she thinks it’s possible to keep personal calls to this number. Let your colleague know that emergencies are an exception.

None of us are born knowing how to deal with conflict. It’s something we have to learn. Baber and Waymon offer the following suggestions for communicating more successfully when dealing with conflict and disagreements:

Choose a good time and place for your conversation. Knowing that the message you’re delivering will probably not be easy to receive, pick a neutral place to meet with your teammate.

Say what you want. You’ll be far more successful saying what you want the person to do rather than focusing on what you don’t want. For example, “I notice that you take a lot of personal phone calls at work. It would be helpful if you could be mindful of how many calls you take so you’re not interrupted so often,” instead of “Don’t take personal calls at work.”

Use a firm but friendly tone of voice. Maintain a professional atmosphere and stay calm. This will invoke a similar state of mind and emotional tenor with your teammate.

Listen first. Don’t be surprised if your teammate is immediately defensive. Listen and ask more questions rather than making definitive statements.

Lighten up. Most problems and disagreements aren’t so serious if you can really laugh about them. Most behaviors we observe in the workplace are ones we’ve done ourselves, so take a lighter tone with someone you’re asking to change. He or she will get the message — you don’t have to shout or demand it.

This week, trying dealing with disagreements by not being disagreeable. We all have behaviors that are irritating to others at work. Learning constructive ways of dealing with them is one of the keys to success.

Have a good week!

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.

3/3/13 “Feedforward”

Good day, team.

This week’s challenge is about the usefulness of feedback and how we can use other people’s observations of our behavior to help us in our professional development.

Think about the last time you made a presentation in front of other people. How well did you do? How many times did you say “um” or “like” (sentence fillers that when repeated too frequently can send the wrong message to the audience)? Did you just stand there like an inanimate object? How did your voice sound? Was it high and squeaky or so low and quiet that others couldn’t hear you? What about your content? Did you rely on PowerPoint to do the presentation for you? And were your slides so detailed that your audience was completely bored after the first one?

We all know what a shock it is to hear our voice played back to us from a recorder. It’s even worse to see ourselves on film or video. Is that what I really look like to others?

Most of us are under the impression that we’re so nervous when presenting in front of others that we act differently from how we do in our day-to-day interactions. But studies show that when we’re “acting” in front of others, our actions and behaviors are very similar to how they are when we’re communicating normally with others. It’s hard for us to see, but we rely on certain patterns of communication. We use them everyday, and many have become habitual.

Long ago, I realized that many of my behaviors were invisible to me. I would communicate something to a colleague in a meeting and think I knew what I’d said. But later I would be surprised to find out that what I thought I said and what he or she heard were different. I recall one such meeting when I was talking with one of my direct reports. As I was talking, she began to give me a funny look. Her brow began to furrow, and she looked nervous. I remember thinking, “I’m just giving her information, why is she looking so nervous all of a sudden?” When our meeting was over, she left the room quickly, obviously wanting get out of there. Later in the day, I called her and asked if she’d come back to my office. She looked worried when she came to my doorway. After she sat down, I asked her what I might have said that made her so nervous in our earlier meeting. She was hesitant to answer me. I explained that I thought I had just given her some information regarding a process. There didn’t seem to be anything I said that should have been disturbing to her.

She finally said, “It’s not what you said but the way you said it. You seemed to be so irritated with me. I could tell by the tone of your voice that I’d done something wrong, but you never told me what it was. You just kept going on and on about the process, and yet, based on your facial expression and your tone of voice, I knew you were unhappy with me. It made me nervous that you weren’t telling me what was wrong with me directly. I didn’t understand why you were hiding how you really felt.”

I was shocked. Her impression of my behavior was not what I had intended at all. The truth was that right before our meeting, I had been driving to the office and had gotten stuck in traffic. I wanted to stop for a cappuccino before getting to the office, and because of the traffic, I was unable to do that. By the time I arrived at the office, I was irritated and missing my morning coffee treat. As I poured a cup of bad office coffee, I remember thinking, “I hope this isn’t an indication of the rest of my day — traffic delays and bad coffee, ugh!”

Five minutes later, I was in my meeting with her. I was irritated, and I’m sure my facial expressions and tone of voice reflected that. I was behaving like a five-year-old who hadn’t gotten the treat she wanted. What surprised me later was to realize that my team member saw all of this as her fault, and my behavior had communicated something totally different than what I had intended.

Our inability to see the impressions we make creates a great deal of miscommunication between people. We think we’re acting in a certain way, but if we could actually see ourselves communicating, we might see that what’s coming across to the listener is a completely different message.

Once I knew why my team member was so uncomfortable with my communication, I had an opportunity to tell her why I was irritated. I mentioned the traffic and the cappuccino, and she immediately smiled and said, “Oh, I’m so relieved. I thought I’d done something wrong and couldn’t figure out why you weren’t being honest with me. And,” she exclaimed, “I know exactly how you feel when you don’t have the right coffee in the morning. I’m a complete bear if I can’t have my latte before I get here.”

The usefulness of feedback from others in a business context cannot be overstated. Without the observations of others, we really have no idea how we’re coming across. We can’t observe our own behaviors like others can. With honest feedback from others, as hard as it can be to hear, we can begin to see how we impact the people around us. We can see why we’re often misunderstood and why others react to us in the way they do

But (and this is a BIG BUT) none of us enjoy getting feedback. No matter how it’s framed, we don’t react well to constructive criticism. Even when someone tries to break it to us gently by saying something like, “I’d like to share some constructive feedback with you. Is now a good time?” The normal human reaction is, “NO! It’s never a good time.”

In my recent coaching training, I learned about something called “feedforward.” Marshall Goldsmith defines it as “feedback that’s forward-looking.” For example, when giving feedback, I could say, “You’re not delegating enough responsibility to your subordinates.” This is a statement that describes what you’ve done wrong in the past. That same statement framed as feedforward would sound more like, “Going forward, you could distribute more of your workload to your direct reports so that you’re less bogged down.” In addition, asking team members how they would like to proceed encourages them to describe what they can do to effect this change.

Asking for feedforward from others gives us a great opportunity to discover how we impact others with our behavior. Plus, rather than focusing on the past, it focuses on the future. The intention is to help us improve our behavior going forward, not because we’re wrong or stupid but because all of us have behaviors that are not particularly useful in a work context.

Requesting good, honest observations from our teammates has multiple benefits for everyone. Asking for feedforward helps us be open-minded to what others have to say, and we have an opportunity to make a behavioral change. By offering observations about others, we help team members improve, and we become invested in the changes as we share our thoughts. In this type of exchange, both people have a chance to create a more trusting relationship going forward. Through feedforward, we can explore how to improve things and send a message to teammates that, from this point forward, we are invested in each other’s success.

This week, try asking for some feedforward from your teammates. Ask a fellow teammate what he or she observed about you in a meeting you both attended. Or you could ask a team member in advance of a conference call to pay special attention to your tone of voice and your messaging — did he or she think that others understood what you were trying to say? How about asking for some behavioral suggestions, such as how you might be more articulate at the up-coming status meeting or how you might share more information with others over the next month?

I used to have a boss who often asked me what he could do to improve. I remember how unusual I thought this was. We met every week to talk about the status of projects, any challenges I was having with my team, and generally, how I was doing. When we were just about done, he would always ask, “What can I do to help you be more successful? What can I do to be a better boss?” I remember how uncomfortable his question made me at first, but after a while, I got pretty good at sharing my observations of his behavior and even made suggestions I thought would help him. I never realized how important his question was and what a difference it made in my ability to share feedback with others.

This week, try experimenting with feedforward and see what kinds of suggestions you receive — as well as give.

Have a good week,

Kathleen

© Copyright 2013 Pathfinders Coaching, Scout Search Inc., all rights reserved.